How a Narcissist is Created

[@soundexperience5179]

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” Frederick Douglass

[@june-mariehamilton5455]

Beautifully said

[@tdang9528]

Define broken?

[@reelfly]

@@tdang9528 I take it, you didn't watch the video?

[@LuxMeow]

Define strong children. I was a strong child and now a strong adult and still ended up with BPD.

[@soundexperience5179]

@@LuxMeow Do you refer to yourself personally strong as in strong-willed or strong in resolve or resiliency? I would suggest that strength defined in that quote as an attribute of character, not physical strength. One who has not only been allowed, but encouraged to express themselves, to have a voice or opinion, validated, to be heard, and also acknowledge differing opinions. How many of us were constantly dismissed and invalidated by narcissistic parents who would say things like "children should be seen and not heard". That message over time can develop an inferiority complex into adulthood.

[@jolesliewhitten6545]

I survived a narcissistic husband-barely. They DO NOT IMPROVE. They get worse and worse. Plan quietly and run.

[@kdbee6086]

In the process of divorcing one after 31 years. You are 100% right. They just keep getting worse.

[@jolesliewhitten6545]

@@kdbee6086 , be SAFE! Be very aware.

[@m.anneblack2908]

I was trapped 19 years in a marriage with a "certified" narcissist. They ONLY get worse and destroys the entire family. LEAVE is the only answer.

[@livvyjos]

@@kdbee6086 omg I thought my story was bad… 25 years here, still in separation stage but definitely getting a divorce. He split with me in January ‘21 and it’s now May and he hasn’t mentioned doing anything to separate properly, except the other week, where he mentioned he doesn’t want to get lawyers involved and keep it amicable when i had to ask him some questions for my Social Security form. That’s it. He is going to make me do all the work, as per usual. So glad it’s over, can’t wait for my freedom back.

[@temirene]

@@livvyjos Same thing happened to me. I've found they don't want any third party involved that can't be triangulated. Goodluck on your journey to freedom.

[@cindyhutchins9216]

When I told my mother I was getting a divorce she got angry and yelled "how do you think that makes me feel?" That was the moment I knew what I was dealing with.

[@isabeauvollhardt430]

my condolences.

[@rebekahguilder602]

Ugh. I've seen this before with narcissistic mothers.

[@marazampariolo3200]

Sounds like my mother...

[@NaeK188]

Rang my boyfriend to look at the beautiful lunar eclipse and got told to "go to therapy. I can't deal with how you feel." Then he thought it was the topic of therapy that got me upset. No, it wasn't. It was the lack of empathy, over the phone, timing, and selfishness. It gave me such a physical reaction where I almost vomited. Disgusting.

[@Theresia66]

@@NaeK188 you broke up, right?

[@monkfrank9607]

Narcissist should only hang out with other narcissists and leave us alone 🤨

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Exactly!

[@Janie-i8d]

Ultimate Chaos ! Cannot imagine 2 Narcissists together.

[@MoreFootWork]

like a hornet's nest

[@shobhanamathew9551]

Not possible .. Negative + negative 😂😂😂

[@margaretgjerdrum1394]

Would love to be a fly on the wall of that gathering! 😅 Is there a collective noun for that? A mirror of narcs perhaps? 😂

[@lydias.coaching]

It may not be their fault that they ended up a narcissist but us being their punching bag is not going to fix it.

[@PersonalGrowthNow]

Precisely.

[@ankicazander3464]

Hm. If one is surrounded by narcissists, he or she will probably adapt some of narcissistic behavior and not even realize it's hurting others. If one is among narcissist, there always will be that need for validation because they were always devalued but once removed from narcissistic environment, that behavior might change because the person can be herself/himself without fear of being devalued at all times. Maybe there is hope, at least for some.

[@malliekai9694]

Exactly!!!

[@samuelsurbrook1428]

Right on.

[@mitchh3092]

​@@ankicazander3464 I think what you're referring to is 'fleas'. The nasty behavior you pick up from an abuser without realizing it. That's MUCH more treatable than a core personality issue, unfortunately, so the hope for full-blown narcissists is slim.

[@JasonPhillips30]

As Carl Jung once said: Most people never make it out of adolescence.

[@ellenwuzhere]

And I know quite a few of them.

[@niraerlich3016]

Very interesting perspective

[@dollymadison2397]

Agreed

[@ericagilvin1859]

And as Jimmy Dore says; we are all children of alcoholics.

[@nikkijo9999]

I never made it out of infancy

[@heartsmyfaceforever8140]

Someone being hurt in the past does not give them permission to hurt you.

[@jamestaylor3805]

Although you are correct, damage doesn't typically self repair, trauma never does.

[@Lisa_Lisa312]

That is rational thought, I don't believe narcissist operate using rational.

[@gmohler]

Very true- spot on

[@joemann7971]

Plenty of people grow up hurt. They don't all become narcissists. Some become empaths. If being hurt was a prerequisite for narcissism, every scapegoat in a narcissistic family system would be a narcissist. Narcissists are just people that never became adults (mentally speaking ). They never grew to accept accountability for their own actions. They could care less if they hurt you as long as it doesn't affect them in any way.

[@BBB-rd2qi]

We are not required to set ourselves on fire to keep another person warm.

[@patriciamurray1924]

I endured 68 years of narcissistic abuse by my mother/brother/husband. I am now 69 and on my healing journey...my head is spinning!!!

[@jeffsordyl7430]

I'm 62 and in a🎉 similar situation. it's almost unbelievable anyone could treat a child or adult this inhumane way😢

[@dr.olgagraham6736]

Keep moving. You are in the right direction. Now learn to spot the red flags. Today narcissism is pandemic.

[@cmullenmusic]

I felt the same way, thankfully it has stilled, and I'm better in EVERY way. All thanks to God. I focused on positivity and growth, being kind to myself... patient, loving myself. Greyrock the narc, for my child. 💪💚✞

[@jackiesimms547]

Just entered counseling. We are the same age! The fact that we are not alone is both encouraging and discouraging. Learning soooooo much.

[@berealrb1496]

I get it. Mother, sister, brother. Mother enabled severe abuse from sister because she's narcistic too.

[@user-bt9by6kx6j]

Love when she said an adult narcissistic tantrum can put a 3 year old to shame so true!!

[@ThesySurface]

Narcissists are also expert at triggering you into a tantrum (without anyone seeing what they did) and then acting like you’re the three year old ;)

[@twjull]

Bam!! Stop the video right there!

[@karenslaughing]

SO TRUE!!!

[@DNA-dc7jz]

@@ThesySurface omg this is so true thank you for making me not feel like I’m crazy.

[@mogiehope8056]

It can also scare the 💩 out of you!

[@missminti]

Never met a narcissist that had a normal relationship with their mother.

[@PoojaSingh-pt3sw]

Normal...??? KINDLY EXPLAIN A BIT

[@missminti]

@@PoojaSingh-pt3sw They either despise and have utter contempt for their mothers or they are so deeply enmeshed and dependent on her that they put her above everyone else. In my experience.

[@PoojaSingh-pt3sw]

@@missminti in my case my husband and mother in law both r narcissist

[@PoojaSingh-pt3sw]

@@missminti they together plan plot verbally abuse threaten me

[@missminti]

@@PoojaSingh-pt3sw Where there is one narc, there are several more. They foster each other's disorders.

[@chieromancer]

I think anyone who has a child should be required to take parenting classes.

[@easygii]

i think so too. how much difference would it made in the world.

[@dianelamorticella6053]

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@tatejones3164]

Yes

[@riccardocarbo2479]

And that will change them, just because they "know better"?

[@easygii]

@@riccardocarbo2479 yes. that pretty much how education works.

[@kellyyork3898]

Can you imagine spending your whole life with a narcissist with all the damage he/she did to you and your children over the years. And now, in old age, you’re stuck with this monster of a person who expects you to wait on him or her hand and foot, while you have no help. And, you’re older, getting older, have health issues of your own….and have nothing but bitter, horrific memories of your past. What an awful waste of your precious life. If you can, get out early and move across the country and start a new, better life.

[@melisssaappelo9314]

Yes I can..it happened to me.

[@alisonwoods3385]

I’m in my 50s. Hope it’s not too late. 😢

[@nataliegary7]

⁠@@alisonwoods3385 I’m still trying to forget the memories of what kellyyork3898 described. I grew up with a narcissistic father and a mother who supported his narcissism and still does. They were both physically and mentally abusive and I would disassociate making me very passive. I had a hard time making friends and was bullied a lot throughout school but also because I was very poor. After that, I got married, and my first husband whom I had two children with not only mentally abused me but also cheated on me for six years. I then got into a nightmare of a relationship with someone even worse than my narcissistic father. This man got to the point of punching me and doing drugs behind my back along with every kind of abuse even in public! I was in therapy way before I met that monster and I'm still in therapy. Shamefully but thankfully that relationship only lasted for about a year from 2005 to 2006. But since then I've had to work on my self-esteem and other issues of course. I'm almost fifty now and like I said before, I’m still going to therapy and I also forgot to mention that I take an anti-depressant but I also lost my two oldest children in car accidents when they were both 18 years of age and went through leukemia twice within the last seven years but right after the monster I was with in 2006, I thankfully met my husband whom I'm still with and we have a 15-year-old son and our marriage has been pretty happy. But overall, I know how it feels when you feel stuck and hopeless, not just for a year but for at least half of your life, and even though it seems impossible, you can still get out of it. If you want to talk about it please reply! God bless you.🙏♥️

[@nataliegary7]

I’m still trying to forget the memories of exactly what you have described. I grew up with a narcissistic father and a mother who supported his narcissism and still does. They were both physically and mentally abusive and I would disassociate making me very passive. I had a hard time making friends and was bullied a lot throughout school but also because I was very poor. After that, I got married, and my first husband whom I had two children with not only mentally abused me but also cheated on me for six years. I then got into a nightmare of a relationship with someone even worse than my narcissistic father. This man got to the point of punching me and doing drugs behind my back along with every kind of abuse even in public! I was in therapy way before I met that monster and I'm still in therapy. Shamefully but thankfully that relationship only lasted for about a year from 2005 to 2006. But since then I've had to work on my self-esteem and other issues of course. I just hope and pray that you are not going through the same situation dear! The way that you describe things, it sounds as though you have. I'm so very sorry if you also have gone through it and I hope you have gotten or are getting help too. If you'd like to talk about it reply here. God bless you.

[@nataliegary7]

@@alisonwoods3385 I subscribed to your channel for notifications but if you don't want me to then please just let me know and I will unsubscribe, no problem!

[@loevet2]

Long before I realized that my husband was a narcissist, I thought that he was a "difficult" man. Since I knew some bad things about his childhood, I excused him all the time. Just as Dr Ramani says, I thought that it wasn´t his fault. I felt sorry for him. Then I read a book where the author wrote "You can not blame your bad childhood for everything. At some age you must take responsability for your own behaviour instead of blaming people in your childhood". Now, everytime I make up excuses for my ex-husband, I think of Hitler. A poor little boy with a mean father. His father used to beat him regurlarly. Can I pity the little boy? Yes. Do I think his bad childhood gave him the right to kill millions of people when he became a grown man? Of course not!

[@AlonnaMarie123]

Great analogy

[@sagittariusque8932]

Thank you. When mine would try to blame other people for his reasons being that I now understood I don't side with him. There are plenty people who have dealt with worst and they would never be so evil. It's excuses at this point. Once I speak facts he wants to end the conversation.

[@Kaniala-l7s]

Hitler was Rothschild's son and its way deeper than him getting abused by his "fake father"

[@Abr022575]

Hitler was a choir boy compared to a large swath of people in the world. He only killed your body.

[@pauladuncanadams1750]

@@Abr022575 You need to brush up on your history.

[@juliesmith8645]

They need to teach healthy parenting as an elective in highschool. This was great. Thank you.

[@lioydwilliams1850]

Julie Smith, hope you are not with a narcissist cause you are too pretty!

[@ladybaabaa3294]

Um...?

[@sexygabby30]

Psychology period!!!!!!...the whole 4

[@kissit012]

@@lioydwilliams1850 gross

[@mellio9077]

teachers who show unconditional love/appreciation, might be the only example some kids have growing up

[@1c2h3e4u5n6g]

NOTHING justifies abusing others. you are NOT helping the narc by enduring their abuse, you are NOT making them better, you are merely ENABLING them

[@jillg5934]

yep, and enabling them makes them worse because they keep getting their narc supply, which continues them down their narcissistic path

[@brockb3692]

Agreed. Understanding how narcissists are made is helpful so that parents can learn to make better parenting decisions so we hopefully break the cycle, but you're right that nothing justifies abusing others. If you had a crappy childhood and poor parents and you turned out to be a toxic person, I am sorry for what you had to endure, but YOU need to take responsibility for your actions and change your behavior.

[@kunkunaku]

I agree. I was abused every way imaginable and I'm not like that. My ex was a malignant narc and her life was much better growing up. We choose to be mean, hateful and abusive. No excuses.

[@wiseowlTex]

IMO - some religions inadvertently or in some cases deliberately encourage people to accept narcissistic behavior.

[@inira7418]

@@kunkunaku very true, but this psycologists dont think by themselves, theyre just debiting whats accepted on their psicologie comunity, they re just robots repeating something they ve heard

[@sansankudo]

As an Empath, Learning Lesson from this vid: I'm not a rehab center for Narcissists!

[@gooakk1784]

Thanks. Repeated it twice. But still feel pity on him...

[@christinaashcroft8716]

Exactly

[@EahabIbrahim]

i'm learning to stop doing this to myself to.

[@katherinecrawford936]

Abusing others is a choice, not a justification for the abuse the abuser experienced. Troubled pasts is not a justification to abuse others. You can have pity for them, but at a distance for the sake of your sanity and protection because they will not hesitate to use your pity against you in malevolent ways

[@higgaroc]

It’s so difficult for me to wrap my head around this. It seems completely natural to me that if someone is lashing out because of their past damages, it’s pretty much my job to care for them (which of course is like standing in front of a moving train). I feel like I’m SUPPOSED to excuse them for acting the way they do...gotta retrain my thinking somehow...

[@elanahammer1076]

Like we have heard many times... hurt people hurt people! Sad but true!❤️

[@elanahammer1076]

Well said! ❤️

[@samuelsurbrook1428]

Yes. Exactly.

[@katherinecrawford936]

@@higgaroc I completely understand. You feel like you’re obligated to excuse them and help them. I’ve realized for me why I’m like that. It’s because my mother was that way. Bent over backwards, took the abuse and mistreatment and toxicity and continued to still do for them. Then there’s the religion I was born and raised in that added to the mindset and conditioning. So in my adult years the abuse got worse and my excuses and justification for them increased while I was dying inside. So much so, look where it got me.. 12yrs dated/married to a narc. Not everyone has that outcome but it’s crucial to dig deep to find out where it came from, why we’re like this and do the work needed to better ourselves. The most important thing is to remove the denial and see the facts for what it is. Once that’s done, the hard work follows.

[@LilMsLorelei]

Narcissists “don’t do disappointment”. They will have “adult tantrums”. You nailed that.

[@angaeltartarrose6484]

Histrionic fits is more like it.

[@sarahstrong7174]

@@angaeltartarrose6484 My mother used to go completely berzerk. I was the main target of her violence. She wouldn't just put a three year old to shame, with her behavior, she would put that child at risk of death.

[@CSAcitizen]

They hate the word NO ! They didn't get that kind of discipline and responsibility for themselves as children. They also didn't learn how to entertain themselves and never developed creativity as young children - they were always indulged and catered to instead so they never had the opportunity to develop those skills.. If they are raised that the world revolves around them - THAT is the beginning of teaching them to become a Narcissist. They will grow up thinking that the world owes them for just existing with no effort on their part. Read my longer post above.

[@angaeltartarrose6484]

@Gemma Dann You are so right! I was unprepared, having never before been saying anything about her behavior. My "no more" unleashed an evil genius scary monster, that i had no idea was lurking within my oldest girlfriend.

[@imadielariel3109]

@@sarahstrong7174 I am so sorry you suffered so!

[@pamelamorgan7596]

I spent 14 years married to a Narcissist. Before we married, we had extensive conversations about our childhoods. His childhood wasn't terrible. I'm assuming it was his temperament. My dad died at a young age when I was 8 years old. My mother turned away from my sister and I. We felt totally abandoned. I did NOT go on to become a narcissist. We can have terrible childhoods. But when we become an adult, we have to take responsibility for our behaviors. I tried my best to help him during our marriage. When I realized it wasn't going to help, and possibly he would take me down with him, I made him leave. I'm free! He totally destroyed my trust, and financially destroyed me. I'm happy being alone now. I'm 64, chances are I will be alone from now on. But I now have some peace in my life.

[@Ziabetus]

It makes me sad to read that, but I'm also glad to hear you have some amount of peace. Bless you, stranger.

[@angelinakendall]

If you were near we'd meet for coffee weekly. I'm of the same mindset as you. Soft hugs

[@gailremp8389]

24 years…barely made it out alive. Congrats. Truly. .

[@pamelamorgan7596]

@@gailremp8389 Wow, fourteen was all I could stand. But he was also an alcoholic. Alive is the thing. Some don't. Now we can make our lives what we want to. Good luck!

[@Cherokee004]

Congratulations Miss Pamela. You deserve peace. ❤

[@jenbrennan4884]

An observation I have made about narcissism: Once I discovered trauma may contribute to narcissistic behavior, I was less angry at the person (healthier for me). However, I was traumatized often times and did not attack or berate people. So while a person can be messed up by trauma, we all still have a conscience inside that signals right/wrong behavior. Being traumatized doesn't excuse bad behavior or justify allowing it to continue, or enabling it. Thank you Dr. Ramani!

[@lisastenzel5713]

This brings a thought to mind...what if... those who get narcissists...have a tendency to be sociopaths too? Cos I always think of these things like...they are not just black and white. There are nuances. Like, with neuro divergent people. It's a spectrum....not a yes or no.

[@derrickcox7761]

caption?

[@ShunyamNiketana]

​@@lisastenzel5713 -- Cluster B personalities?

[@rainbowcity911]

ive learned the best way to help narcissists is to sometimes walk away. they need to learn that people have boundaries.

[@brettweary8491]

Absolutely Grey Turtle

[@sconnorshandle]

They sure don’t like that, though. Lol

[@Chatndiva]

Thats what I did..had to walk away. Or rather, kicked him out because he was living in MY house

[@gracegeek4678]

"They need to learn"....it will never happen. Spare yourself the grief of thinking you are going to "teach" them a lesson. It will never happen.

[@zigzag9133]

They learn nothing. They are sadly broken beyond repair. And they suck the life out of everyone around them. Like vampires.

[@theaspiebridge]

“The Golden child becomes narcissistic and the scapegoat becomes the anxious child!!! Exactly!!

[@sandyhenry3238]

Golden child? I think Narcissist are born from parents who don't know how to show love themselves. A child learns what is needed to get attention good or bad. Sadly, my husband including himself has 3 brothers..He is oldest and a low self esteem Narcissist..His mother and her mother suck at affection and pooh pooh dreams..All 3 brothers are messed up..Oldest and youngest both think highly of themselves middle is shy, can't talk to womem and now has a farm fell for a Narcissist womem so he just prefers to be on his own. My husband was alwzys told you can't do that and lack of love from mommy...His dad is a male pig. I've watched mu husband try to impress them his entire life and they don't seem impressed, even though he has achieved way more then his parents ever could. The entire family is screwed up..Me nieve when I met him. Saw family and realized my husband needed someone to say Yes you can do that..I did and as he achived his ego grew.

[@dimeolas777]

exactly, as the younger brother I am the scapegoat, big bro is the golden child and now a narcissist, dont want it.

[@foreveryoungsiberianhuskie6771]

@@sandyhenry3238 I've got two in my family. Both were "the golden child" in their families - one child is the "the golden child" of a narcissist father. In the case of the second, part of what you said is true - the mom, victim of dad's narcissism (and her mother's) - did not love herself. She was conatantly beaten down by both of them and knew no other life. However, since Dad himself was a narcissist, he learned his overinflated sense of self and sense of entitlement at the hands of his father, hands down. He was raised BY one to BE one.

[@k-BlazeWuthringwaves30]

Lmao my sister is a narcicist She thinks she is always righteous

[@LittleMsShine]

That’s not always true. I was the golden child and my brother was the scapegoat but now he lives with our parents still at nearly 30 and is the narcissist while I’m being treated for anxiety

[@craftwhimsy4776]

“Childhood is the time when a child must learn disappointment in a safe loving space.” Ma’am I’m going to get that framed 💜

[@78KellyS78]

That really stood out to me too! 👏

[@visionvixxen]

I agree. But just wanted to know what does that look like? For. Example, you came home w a bad grade?

[@kellywright1489]

I would ask my child did they do their best? If they said yes, then I would tell them that was more than enough. Give them a hug. And explain to them that mommy and daddy sometimes struggle too when trying new things. But the key is to keep trying, and you will get better and better each time. Using phrases like, "Would you like for mommy to help you with this? It can be hard to do things alone when you need help. We can do this together" 💙 Crazy part is I'm not even a parent. Lol But I have the patience and empathy for it one day.

[@niteal1255]

Childhood is the foundation of adulthood. If the childhood is rampant with neglect, abuse, instability you have a house built on sand.

[@catherinenelson4162]

Yes! I watched my mother turn my sister's into narsicists. I got none of that, and am healthy, even though I also didn't re eive love or even kindness. So, I allowed my daughter to deal with a very nasty tea her who was being very emotionally abusive. I had my daughter re-write a report 5 times, but on the fifth , I watched through the corner of a window. I saw the teacher through the report straight into the garbage can. At that point I walked into the room with a box, and we cleaned out my daughter's desk. We stopped by the office, turned in her books, and left. That was me letting my daughter go through a difficulty that she did her best to fix, and the fifth grade teacher with a PHD, who insisted that the children call her "Dr. OBRIAN" not even bothering to read the report. Her issue with my daughter's report, which was on an area that we knew well, was that Dr. O'Brian had never heard of the SIERRA Buttes, and kept insisting that it was the Sutter Buttes, therefore. she was giving my daughter F's on her reports. Each report became more specific. As to the location of the Sierra Buttes (about 50 miles due North of Lake Tahoe.) Dr. O'Brian only knew of the Sutter Buttes, which are in the Sacramento Valley. therefore refused to believe that there was any other mountain mountainous area called "Buttes". I homeschooled my daughter for the next. 3 years

[@JoanneRodriguez-h5l]

I’m finally separated after 29 years of marriage. I planned quietly and finally got the courage to serve him w divorce papers. He’s upset because I have a divorce lawyer and he swears that I’m having an affair (which I’m not). He can’t accept that I’m leaving him and he calls me a narcissist. I’m looking forward to my new found freedom in life!!!

[@berealrb1496]

Well of course you are having an affair because that is the ONLY reason you would leave your narcistic hubby. This is all sarcastic.

[@francydennin7650]

The more I understand narcissistic behavior, the less personally I'm able to take the way I was abused and the more I'm able to heal myself. So thank you.

[@KarineTKnudsen]

Good luck, Francy ❤️

[@isabeauvollhardt430]

me too.

[@BEING1111]

Same as me. Thank you

[@juneelle370]

Ditto 💖

[@dirtysanchez941]

🎯

[@jaimesanders5715]

At age 64, with an aging narcissistic mother with dementia, I am learning once again that I didn't cause it, and I can't fix it. But I can protect myself and my children from abuse.

[@lisaann6866]

I am 62. Dad was the only normal one, but has been gone 10 years. Mom is 86, and the other two siblings are both narcs and have managed to tell enough lies to her about me that she removed me as POA of her trust and put the two of them in charge. She has been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's/dementia, but is apparently coherent and of sound mind enough to change her trust. I still haven't been able to have a phone conversation with her without speaker being on and sister listening in. Our lawyer said that is elder abuse, pure and simple. It's affected my health and my emotions tremendously. My husband has been able to converse with her on the phone with my mental case sister shooting off her mouth in the meantime (lives 3 hours away). He was second in charge after me on mom's POA, as both parents knew my husband and myself are trustworthy and can actually handle finances. My dad would be rolling over in his grave if he could see what has taken place.

[@jaimesanders5715]

@@lisaann6866 what a hard situation! My mother, similarly, took back control of her finances and filed a restraining order against me and my husband alleging theft when her dementia was in its early stages. My father was still alive then and was enabling her. The combination of narcissism and dementia is absolute poison! So sorry your siblings are afflicted too:(

[@lisaann6866]

@@jaimesanders5715 I am so sorry you've had to go through it as well. It's so damaging and painful in so many ways, especially knowing you are the "normal" one, while the others are just plain evil.

[@sardot4960]

My mom declined with dementia for at least 10 years. For the most part, it was actually an improvement. She finally croaked about 4 years ago. I couldn't shed a tear if I tried. She was mean to me and cruel to my wife and kids for decades. At family gatherings she never failed to disappoint and have something mean to say. At her funeral I could only think, "Ding Dong! The witch is dead." I hope I didn't think it out loud. I had always thought she was bipolar, but after finding Dr. Ramani and Lisa Romano, I finally understand why she acted the way she did, and why my siblings, her enabling Flying Monkeys, are they way they are. Can't change them, went no contact long before I heard that term or knew what a narcissist is.

[@normaburkhardt4572]

@@jaimesanders5715 I'm not trying to add pain to your situation or in this instance add some understanding and legal weight. Why oh why is your mother allowed to do this seeing she has Alzheimers (Dementia). I understand so how you would feel in this situation for my mother had Dementia before she passed in 2014. I realize you don't want to take it to court, but the time come when you have to protect yourself. You said she is probably coherent and sound of mind enough to change her trust, but the fact of her diagnosis has to play some weight in court, especially as time goes on, and her condition progresses! This is sad to complicate, but necessarily all too possibly important for you in a court case. I'm mentioning this only in case this becomes necessary for you. Please know I'm thinking and praying for you and your family.

[@joshuacarton391]

This woman is brilliant, not just because of her wisdom and learned knowledge on these topics, but also her ability to explain and describe it all in a way that is easy to listen to and understand. Great stuff

[@Ashley-ye6yt]

ditto!

[@janan5570]

Yep.

[@nikkiw5406]

🎯

[@cardinalflower6959]

My sentiments exactly!

[@TightNinja]

Agree!

[@kristirajandu9900]

Listening to this the times when people asked me:" How on earth did you come out of this so normal?" I never understood them. But now I do. My childhood was a mess with nothing stable and lack of care, love, and empathy were my daily struggles. Today I am kind of a people pleaser exept I do not let anybody push me over. My moto is..."This world has enough pain in it. Don't be a part of it. Do good where You can." My pain taught me how aful it is and how being left alone could do more harm. So when I see my classmate, collegue, friend etc sad I have to ask if they are ok and do they want to talk about it. Treat others as you want to be treated. I want to be cared and loved so I care and love. ☺️

[@valeriedorsey7527]

Very nicely stated. I would love to have a friend or someone like you in my life. They're hard to find. God bless you.

[@trishagoodwin4069]

Yes, I was the same; beaten in childhood, stuck in dark cupboards by a middle class mother who had not wanted to have children, bullied at school, 3 attempts to take my own life before 25, but I live such a happy life now and try to care for others feelings. I have a wonderful husband and friends, and people always ask me how I am so normal, after being so badly treated for the first 18 years of my life. I put it down to the cognative therapy I had weekly for three years and a wonderful therapist, who encouraged me to turn my life around, going to art school as a mature student, plus all those wonderful people in my life, I have met since childhood.

[@johanson8233]

❤

[@Ann-eb8dp]

I always felt my ex was very angry with his parents and did not want his children to be happier or more successful than him ie have a happier life than he had

[@Justice4Mica]

@@trishagoodwin4069I’m so sorry you endured that as a child, I wish I could give your inner child a huge hug 😢❤huge props to you for not being the way your mother was to you. You’re doing so well & that is a massive accomplishment ❤

[@TheLastAvenger1000]

I got hit with a belt from my dad and a wooden spoon from my mom, they even fought a lot, and I spent majority of my life with my dad coming in and out of my life due to his work being in a different country, I also kept traveling from country to country, trying to rebuild my circle of friends, but guess what, after all that, I still didn't become a narcissist. I am thankful to be an empath.

[@elanahammer1076]

Good choice empathy rock! ❤️😜

[@Babka113]

Self proclaimed empaths are often narcissistic (their supply for their False self is more along the line of pity for their plight and praise for their "altruism"). Not saying that this is what you are, just pointing out that sometimes the cloth of humility can be hiding a grandiose heart.

[@elanahammer1076]

@@Babka113 Did you get hurt by one of these types?

[@steffaely]

@@Babka113 True. If they bragging about their humility, then they're probably narcissists!

[@TheLastAvenger1000]

@@Babka113 you guys are right but in this case I can't really prove to you I am or am not lol, I'll tell you one thing for sure, I didn't take no narcissistic injury from your comment 😂 hope everyone stays safe!

[@technerdchic]

Listen everyday... I'm on day 11 of leaving the abuse! So far... Still breathing... Working on my happy!

[@ruthherring5684]

Congratulations Tammy! A very very brave thing to do. Good luck and hope you find MUCH happiness! xx

[@skim3415]

Congrats! Each day will get better & better! Keep watching Dr. R she helped me stay strong when I questioned myself- should I go back or keep moving forward! I now know that the ONLY answer is to move forward!

[@technerdchic]

@@ruthherring5684 Well, I don't know about that beings that he was the one who discarded me for another woman. A new source of supply who hadn't seen the mask fall off yet like I have... Too attractive to let go of... Certainly more attractive that our 18 years history I guess... Ughhhh... It hurts. Bad. And my moods are all over the place just like my perception of this disaster! Sometimes I'm depressed, others I'm relatively positive... And then others I'm just plain confused. And it changes moment to moment. It's exhausting ALWAYS - Which is my only constant right now. Just sucks all the way around. And I think the hardest thing to accept about this is knowing I will probably never get any justice or validation from him about this whole thing! He blames me ENTIRELY for the unraveling of our relationship, and played the victim in the end, turning everyone against me. Knowing he will more than likely never realize the reality of the situation, us what eats me up every night. But it's a process that I know will take time... For today? I give myself permission to be a bit of a basket case and will view my days as successes if I am still alive and breathing by the end of them. Thank you for your encouragement! I need all the pep-talks, all the hope, and all the motivation people can offer these days, as my tank is bone dry with those things. 👍

[@ruthherring5684]

@@technerdchic Hi Tammy, it just sounds utterly horrific for you at the moment. No wonder you are constantly exhausted! But what you are saying sounds so wise, recognising it will take time and allowing yourself to be “a bit of a basket case” - but I bet you feel anything but wise at the moment . Does it help trying to focus on just a really short period of time - like the next hour or getting through the next five minutes? It’s what had helped me when I have been finding life really difficult. Mind you, things may be too “all over the place “ for you atm. Thinking of you often. xx

[@technerdchic]

@@ruthherring5684 thank you ️❤

[@jennrobi38]

Was raised by a narcissistic father & emotionnally unavailable mother. Am a survivor of abuse & trauma. Am so grateful I had a good therapist. Was over 50 before I was able to be in a space where I could say am glad I am here and I love myself. Thank you. Knowledge is Power!

[@roobiebreastnut4983]

Me too!

[@jenniferhaynes8625]

My story as well. I wish that I had knowledge about this decades ago.

[@coletteterrasson5350]

This is so enlightening.. Very dominant father and my mother died when I was two.. My father remarried a woman 20 years his junior. This woman just didn't have the bandwidth to handle a Dominant man and a n immediate family..

[@roobiebreastnut4983]

yes!

[@barbaracantlin5886]

That is my childhood story too. My father was abusive and an addict and alcoholic, my mother was an alcoholic and suffered from mental illness. Mom was badly abused by my dad.

[@Lucid874]

Narcissism is the most unbelievable thing in the world. It absolutely just breaks my heart how people can come to be and become this way. Truly just utterly unbelievable

[@precioussobamiwa5881]

So sad really.

[@nadiafedorenko491]

When you are tempted to stay with a narcissist because you feel you understand how they became that way and you feel sorry ask yourself this "Do I want a partner or a patient?" because I can tell you now you WON'T have a partner.

[@skim3415]

That’s the sad truth!

[@giuseppezabatta1424]

you sleep with your enemy.

[@mellio9077]

That’s a brilliant way to put it. “Do I want a partner or a patient?” That’s probably a good thing to ask if a relationship has any unhealthy dynamic to it.

[@hccarson7938]

You nailed it! Do you want a partner or a patient? I think I'll frame that and hang it on the wall.

[@MoscaFlux]

Thank you for this statement.

[@yatenkun]

Thank you, Dr. Ramani! You've been a key player in my journey through healing.

[@BastettheGh0st]

Same here. Also, Discoveringthenarcissistfather :)

[@deadislander]

She's the best

[@katekouri254]

Me as well. I love this woman.

[@thereisnoninadria]

Ditto! 😁

[@sinkit444]

Amen! 🙏

[@TheMagpieOfficial]

I used to see my friends’ parents paying for school grades. $20 per A, $10 per B etc. I asked my parents about it and they said “we don’t pay for good grades, we love you no matter what, your best is all we ask and you’re on your honor so we know you’ll do your best.” They were showing unconditional love. ❤

[@jennifercampion7095]

You don’t realise it but your comment about your loving parents and happy childhood will only serve to make some people on here who weren’t so lucky, feel worse.

[@juratin7]

I could only dream of that, childhood was a competition for love

[@user-kf6lu4dn2r]

Poor families are honest about "Sorry sweetie, we just can't afford it". And even my mother, on welfare in the 1980's, managed to find $5 or $10 at report-card time to reward me for good grades. Pretty sure your parents were shuffling you off with a song-n-dance routine there ;-)

[@user-kf6lu4dn2r]

​@@jennifercampion7095 Your entitlement is showing. The internet is already a place people treat each other like sh*t and you seriously make a post just to bitch someone out about posting happy stuff? Wow. Just wow. The nerve of you!! If the mere fact of seeing someone else post a happy comment or memory makes you sad, you have got a serious mental defect and you should seek professional assistance for your problems.

[@slothisasin8240]

​@@jennifercampion7095 Yes, and in some cases it gives people hope. Whenever I hear about people with good childhoods I'm happy, because it means that someone didn't have to go through the same struggles as I did.

[@Hubertt-tp1yq]

It is so hard to accept that they cannot change. It took me 50 odd years.

[@ArtistJenTucker]

Same. Going no contact was a life saver.

[@nbf_279]

God

[@leahtamar8000]

I'll never forget looking into my narc's eyes while they were blowing up at me and seeing a scared, broken child. Still not an excuse to act that way, but it gave me a sense of pity rather than anger.

[@ladybaabaa3294]

I fully agree with this. Pity is not a reason to stay with someone though.

[@leahtamar8000]

@@ladybaabaa3294 oh heck no! Boundaries are definitely in place now.

[@freewoman]

Absolutely true. I have felt a whole lot of pity for my narc

[@Tom-hl8nx]

@@leahtamar8000 same pitch

[@jovannawacheleski2630]

You are so right! I told my mother that she is a narcissistic because she's been telling that she is tired of been miserable. I told her to look into the reason why she's a narcissistic but I have learned that narcissistic have a hard time taking on full responsibility and justifying all of their actions. It's a never ending loop because if they truly wanted to get better they would at least try but they can't even get past taking on responsibility of their own life's.

[@KL-bc1eg]

The problem is society's overall view on abuse. Unless there's physical harm from the parent(s), very little is done to emotionally abused children.

[@mullcrumthesage6303]

In the same sense that there are far worse things in life than death...I agree.

[@nickrogers4352]

'very little is done' what do you mean by that, gaslighting and other disastrous behaviors have very negative effects that people internalize for years

[@southbug27]

Exactly. Society doesn't even do a very good job of protecting kids from physical abuse; I know from my own experience; sometimes you get victimized even worse by cops & social workers. I think if a group of us actually petitioned children's services & family courts to begin protecting kids from emotional & psychological abuse, they'd laugh in our faces. America had groups to protect animals from abuse before we ever even considered started an agency to protect children from their violent parents because we believed they had the right to discipline their kids how they wanted.

[@michaelwalker217]

@@southbug27 Great answer

[@alexcase9150]

I agree totally from experience first hand. I still fighting and been seven years since divorce. Narc. got custody of children. Didn't was refused visitation for 3 years. Now they don't want anything to do with me.

[@kathleenclarke1823]

As a teacher of young children and the ugly reality behind no touch policies, I had a little teddy bear called Lovey Dovey Bear that I would give to upset children to hug and cuddle. I would give the bear and time to a child to self-regulate their emotions. In my classroom I made room for negative emotions. I did not allow shaming of tears or fears by saying in our classroom it is a safe place for all emotions. Generally I had happy busy safe classrooms. Community Circles where we shared thoughts ,feelings and life experiences with rights to participate or pass, active listening and no cross talk were also key to the social emotional health of our classroom. Teachers can make a life changing difference for children and teens.

[@janetewin4819]

What incredible teacher you are!!! Things are not getting any better on our days, we need more teacher like you!🙌🙏😘

[@eritreanmus]

❤️

[@garyneilson3075]

Yes. A change for good or ill! I have experienced both. A narcissistic teacher can make a child feel suicidal.

[@Mindywright27]

God Bless Your Beautiful Teacher Heart! Are you able to share this with others and get programs into schools? Many of our children desperately need this love and support. ❤

[@Twigliz]

Beautiful teacher!!!

[@lindapratt3342]

Narcissists don’t always throw tantrums. They manipulate in many ways.

[@jjb1974]

Yeah, for sure. I've been going through this for years with my dad. Now he has dementia and has gone over the top with his narcissism. Not an easy thing to deal with. . . not even a little bit.

[@odrade99]

Yes, like giving you the cold shoulder, not speaking to you even though you live together. I could only last 3 days. Then i gave up and made peace.

[@bunnybird9342]

@@jjb1974 why not just give him up to a nursing home and free yourself

[@helentaylor7132]

Mine liked to rant (my memory fails on topics) about things one would never expect. Walking away wasn't an option. I finally walked away once and found out why not to...contacted an agency for help and finally got away. Now that I'm older and wiser, I don't need or want a "romantic" (hah!) relationship. I have a full life (work, family, friends, interests, activities) and no room for the distraction, the "servitude," or the BS.

[@amygrigevan]

My narcisist doesn't throw tantrums. He has no empathy and he's manipulative.

[@Kelly-oe8kr]

Having a difficult or abusive childhood is no excuse for abuse. The person who perpetuates the abuse is more malevolent than the original offender, since they know first-hand the devastation that abuse causes a child. I have compassion for victims of abuse but NO sympathy for a narcissist with a sob story who CHOOSES to harm another.

[@Acetyl53]

I don't think it's entirely a choice.

[@brianwilson5426]

I agree with you. They do know what they are doing to you, they just don't care. When the narcissist goes to jail for whatever they have done their behaviour changes as they know they are in danger in prison. they become all good, so they can control themselves when it is in their interest to do so but not when it comes to you. They are horrible things by choice. When they can bully they bully. I don't have any pity for them either. I just pity their victims.

[@raelonewolf]

@@brianwilson5426 I agree with you Brian. It is a choice because they completely change their demeanor when they are in situations where they know they won't get away with poor behavior: when supervisors are visiting at work, when they are in social settings, when they are on a first date, etc. In fact, narcissists are notorious for being "two-faced", which makes things much more difficult for their victims. No one will believe the victim because outside of the circle in which the narcissist chooses to abuse others (in the home, certain employees they view as "beneath" them at work, etc.), the narcissist can actually be quite charming and fun to be around. It's not like they can't help themselves.

[@tiredtears4177]

@@Acetyl53 exactly. They cant change because they cant even tell themselves what they do wrong. It's an evil cycle.

[@Acetyl53]

​@@tiredtears4177 Yes, that's one of the first layers which prevents change, however deeper down, even if the person does become aware of and accept the gist of how and why they harm others, they are still likely incapable of changing their core design. The narcissist and codependent both have a diminished ego and a core self which is either too painful, too limited, or too damaged and infantile to be useful. Even if they morph their false selves into something which does not cause harm or is even net useful, the fact remains, they are an incomplete being. More like a program, or a child, mimicking an adult. The deficits in capacity to connect still remain, no matter the disguise they wear, other people will come looking for something they cannot have. In the case of children this is just as bad, perhaps they overcorrect, perhaps they emotionally starve the child, perhaps the child is still morphed and unseen regardless. In my case I see the world as hostile and in terms of moth and flame, therefore I will always either remain disconnected, or try to erode people's boundaries to alleviate my anxiety by "protecting" them, ie, turning them into what I need them to be and placing within them some variant of the horrors in my own mind. Realizing I can only bring misery, disappointment, and frustration, the only solution is isolation.

[@waterearthsunshine856]

This strengthens my resolve to break generational narcissism and raise my children with healthy emotional foundations. Thank you so much for this.

[@acecerberus8230]

It's a battle I have lived, you can do it. When the dark times come, be good to YOU, because you need to take care of YOU. Reason: you are the only person that can provide a healthier path for yourself and your children. I failed to do so at first, and it cost my children and me until I got a handle on this important point. Get help, you go to therapy; often we need clarity from educated support - well meaning family and/or friends just can't understand or handle the situations you'll face. My sons are grown, living fulfilling lives now - it's definitely worth it!

[@jacobsmith1366]

I am just breaking free from the shackles of my Violet ex wife whom has always been volatile and aggressive for the duration of our 16 year relationship. I’m caught up as to whether her symptoms are BPD or narcissistic traits, the more I listen to Dr Ramani I think it’s narcissistic traits. Dr Ramani is my new best friend. I am free of absolute guilt. Empathy and sympathy has now turned to pity. I wish her no harm, but I also pity her future partner, as she behaves in a manner that suggests she is not willing to address the core issues. How liberating it is to break free from the trap. Lots of support, love and understanding for all those whom have left or are still trapped.

[@moonraker30]

@@acecerberus8230 Thank you for this! It's a trait I definitely want to change

[@Tiffanysmith339]

I try to but always mess me up.

[@QuidamByMoonlight]

@@jacobsmith1366 I’ve met exactly the kind of woman you’re describing. I’m glad I got away in just a couple months…

[@lewskaanen812]

"Maybe whatever happened to you was not your fault... but it wasn't mine either... and I don't owe you a damn thing. See ya bye."

[@LG-kx8xl]

💯

[@veronicaana]

You don't have to be with anyone you don't want to be with....but there's no need to put them down more. They know they have issues. If you are so balanced and stable you won't let someone mess with your life anyways, so thats on you. People think of emotionally damaged people as jerks, like they want to be like that. Its not a choice.

[@lewskaanen812]

@@veronicaana Yes I agree - when the emotionally damaged jerk comes to me asking WHY am I dumping them, divorcing them, disowning them, firing them, or resigning from their employ - my actual real world response may be a bit more polite. The bottom line is still "see ya bye" however. I'm nobody's therapist. I have neither the qualifications, nor the time, nor the inclination to help some emotionally damaged jerk work through their issues. You don't have to be a botanist to pull weeds from your garden.

[@veronicaana]

@@lewskaanen812 and I agree thats fine you don't have too deal with them, just send them on their way to deal with their issues or find someone else to take on all that damage. Not everyone handles emotional trauma the same way. Its great that some people are able to overcome it but not everyone is that strong. All I'm saying is if you know someone has issues dont make it a point to damage an already damaged person.

[@TheLakingc]

@@lewskaanen812 I have never met a narcissist who thought they had a problem, so did not think they needed anyone or help. Others should be grateful he/she included them in his/her life or found them worthy to be assaulted in every way possible. If they got dumped, there was a payback, not sorrow. Even a perceived snub got a vicious payback without getting caught. They are geniuses of evil plots. Trump was surprised by non approval, not saddened. He was angry that anyone thought little of him and immediately went to payback mode and taught it well. Narcissists cannot be helped. They are unable to have sorrow or regrets. They are incapable of empathy. They learn to act it out, but it is an act. Maybe the wicked twin of autism, I don't know , but I lived with it. I am sorry for their tragic disorder, but so glad to be free of those people. It is like a strangle hold. They build a box around you like a spider's web! It is hard to break free. I seemed to just go from one to another determined not to, watching out, but there I would be again. Mostly men, but even some "friends" were like that and just as dangerous. My mother was an incredible narcissist. Recently, I realized my sister was, too. After 40 years of thinking we were friends, I mean I called her twice a day sometimes, she told me she hated me for something i said 30 years before. She died a month later and I discovered she had indeed hated me. And confusing family problems suddenly made sense. She determined to destroy me and my family. Long story, but her terrible lies were well orchestrated and she almost got her wish. She and my mother and my oldest daughter are like generational clones of the same person. I do not think they could be any other way. I am extremely careful with friends now, because I am like a magnet for narcissists. I have been free for 20 years, but had to work hard. I am sorry I responded before finishing watching this. Comments caught my eye. It is a very sad disorder.

[@Victoria-c4n]

Never heard an “I love you” from my parents to each other, to my siblings, or to myself EVER.

[@ip2489]

This woman is so helpful to us I'd go as far to say she's as delightful as Christmas in human form! We're lucky to have access to these free resources daily!

[@moonchild66]

We deffo are lucky xxx

[@niraerlich3016]

DR. Ramani is really amazing highly intelligent reflective woman . And we cant not 100%believe in what she says, when it's so overwhelmingly so humanely compelling

[@Thandeka_IM]

Same view point as mine 😉

[@laughsalot3992]

Yes we’re definitely blessed. ♥️

[@risinglotus-chinesenpdvict3111]

She is a blessing to me.

[@charleskellas4919]

My wife's father would make her cry as a child and then he would yell at her and make her go to her room to cry. My wife would watch a sad movie with her mom and my wife would cry and her mom would say "What's wrong with you, it's just a movie"! One of the things I love most about my wife is the fact she is sensitive and has a big heart. She moved out when she was 17, need I say more.

[@Abbasprincess10]

My mother did the same to me. I also moved out young. I left at 16

[@EphemeralProductions]

❤️❤️

[@elanahammer1076]

Been there too! I moved out when I was 17. Lived with a girlfriend and some older friends in an apartment for a while. It was like I was already on the college schedule in high school. I am so thankful for that opportunity. I worked several jobs outside of high school to support myself and still graduated on time with my class in high school. It was not a free pass to do whatever I pleased. It wasn’t easy but nothing in this life worth while is. At the loss of her parental control I was hoovered/manipulated into coming back home. Luckily by that time the clock was almost out to 18. In my parents house 🏡 and I was there with just my mom, I did my time. I focused on development of my work ethic to escape gaslighting.

[@saijanaswamy7210]

I wish i had left earlier. I was naive and unaware. Too many ppl didn't see the toxicity and encouraged me to stay. Still, i finally was able to leave at 23.

[@nd2705]

I wish I had been able to attract a partner that would appreciate my deeply sensitive personality. It has taken me 51 years to truly see this. Thank you for valuing your wife as she is.❤️

[@staciwhite4276]

I know some terrible things must have happened to my mother to make her narcissistic. I do feel very bad for that, but I refuse to let that be a reason to subject myself to abuse. I can’t save her. I can only save myself in this situation.

[@laminage]

Amen! My Cousin is a Grade A Narcissist. The Reason why he is the way he is has to do with the fact that his Parents never taught him morals, values or Lifeskill Lessons. His Parents gave him so much or Friends and even myself (guilty as charged). He was so charming and manipulative, he knew how to butter you up and play on your feelings and then he gets what he wants (A Loan). Yet when he has to pay back, he hems, haws, gets defensive and wails "You shouldn't have lent me the money if you couldn't afford to lose it, and I'm sick and tired of you bothering me about it, I told you how hard a time I'm having right now, so why bother me!"

[@annasamuelsson8096]

Same here.

[@kathyalex778]

You are very smart! To me, it shows that you acknowledge how people act and that a lot of what they know (or don't know) is not their fault, but it is not your responsibility to "teach" them or "take care" of them either. You are your own person.

[@the1betterpodcast84]

same situation ...

[@corsicanlulu]

you didnt break her so its not your job to fix her!

[@AlexandraRosenqvist]

Some narcissists haven't been through barely anything, but still turn into a narcissist. My step mum hadn't really had much traumas or anything. She had good caring parents. She is still the one of the most verbally abusive humans I have had the misfortune to live with.

[@DeepakSharma-rw6ws]

That could be because of the company she spent most of her time with growing up. My sister in law was an empath and really smart and fun but my brother is a narcissist and so is my mother and eldest sister. Since she spent so much time with all 3 of them they all used her, manipulated her and made her miserable with too much work. Then when she started putting boundaries they all talked to her and said that it is because of me she is suffering bcoz i have taken my wife with me and we are not helping her and she is suffering all alone due to me and my wife not helping her for household works. My sister also got inside her skin by knowing her insecurities and used them to redirect it to hate me. Out of all the family members its just me and my wife who didn't make my sister in law's life miserable but that is not enough. They have literally turned her into the same narcissistic monster that they are. Now my sister in law also tries her best to create discomfort in my life just like the other 3. So i can speak from experience that bad company can also turn someone into a narcissist.

[@PassionsDE]

Not every act of abuse is malicious. Being over spoiled in childhood can cause NPD.

[@mikes5764]

Yes, I know one like that. I used to always excuse people, because of their bad childhood, but this person did not have a bad childhood. Now I think the person was born this way. Missing some part in the brain responsible for empathy. Which, off course, if true, is also something the person cannot help. It is sad. Like someone said it the comments: broken and beyond repair. Best thing that you can do I think, to some extent, is be aware and try to limit the damage the person causes to you and your loved ones.

[@cutie3020]

So true, like the child who cries for weeks because they didn't want a younger sibling.

[@joannew3905]

I am autistic, and believe my mother was a narcissist. Interestingly, I believe the autism somewhat protected me as I did not have quite the same need for human and emotional interaction as other children.

[@CJbrieflittlecandle]

I have recently discovered my autism and have been married to a narcissist for 28 years. I don’t have a lot of earning potential and don’t know how to get out. I can’t go to my parents because my mom is also a narcissist. Where does one turn? Feeling hopeless

[@loribruno6389]

Praying for you

[@kissit012]

Same, but it would have been nice to not feel like I couldn’t trust my own mother with anything or like she was my enemy

[@jmcoffeecat7]

@@CJbrieflittlecandle I do not have autism but my therapist says I'm a highly sensitive person. I'm in a very similar boat as you. I've been with my narc for 21 yrs, I have no money of my own, no college degree, no great job prospects (ones I could fully support myself with), and nowhere to go/no support (narc parents or friends). Some of us just can't up and leave, as much as we wish we could, and there just aren't enough resources to help. Sending you a hug and hoping one day we can both be free.

[@CJbrieflittlecandle]

@@jmcoffeecat7 Yes I know I really need to get out but I’m so afraid of how it’s all going to go down and that I might end up back at my parents house after all these years. But most of the time I’m afraid and anxious here too so I think that may be preferable. My son is getting married in June and moving out and my daughter is leaving for grad school sometime this summer. I don’t think I can stay alone with him in this house after that. But I’m trying not to think about it right now. Thank you for your kind response. You are definitely in my prayers!🙏

[@idellekell]

My mom's response to "mommy I'm sad/sick/in pain" was usually "what do you want me to do about it??" said with anger and irritation. So she wouldn't make my feelings about herself, but basically disowned any responsibility to parent me in those moments. As an adult, I never go to her with my problems or difficulties because it always ends in humiliation.

[@jodizellmer994]

Some women have absolutely no clue how to be a mother. They get themselves knocked up and see that poor innocent child as a burden!!! How sick!!!

[@YasminMahnaz]

Why ru winning to your mother about being sad all time... she can't do much... pain yes. And if it's same pain or period pain.. pills r what they give. She Probably sucks at mother too. Maybe she was better with boys. Maybe u will never know

[@YasminMahnaz]

My mother was witch to me but great to boys... boy crazy... she should licked and sucked my brothers dry... women so obsessed about boys. But I never went to her saying I'm hurt, I'm sad I'm in pain. She not my friend.. go to friends

[@Karll541]

Getting the same cold response weighs on you and shuts down communication

[@truemordecai2996]

That was my dad. He grew up in multiple fosters homes. I feel hurt and pity for him. He still continually hurts me with neglect but I love him so much.

[@jillcummings8810]

Can’t imagine how people traversed through life looking for answers without the ease of videos like this from doctors like you. Much appreciation!

[@lsmmoore1]

In many cases they didn't. They were left flailing in the dark with only the explanations of the abuser. Especially without the Internet. Sadly, in many areas talking about abuse in a lay context you find a lot of authoritarian concern trolls siding with the abuser. Flying monkeys, really. Mind you, this type of flying monkey usually shows up when the person being abused is a child, because such concern trolls believe their authoritarian abuse techniques equal "good" parenting while non-authoritarian and/or non-abusive techniques equal "bad" parenting. And I think in some cases it can be kind of a "bonus" if non-authoritarian abuse (i.e. neglect) is used - that's the kind of thing that can be used to rope people into siding with the authoritarian.

[@jillcummings8810]

@@lsmmoore1 Authoritarian abuse or most likely an overt narcissist is usually the one people side with, yes. But the covert narcissist is equally abusive. It does take time to educate ones self but it’s a win win because by doing so one learns much about themselves in the process. Thank you for your insight.

[@lsmmoore1]

@@jillcummings8810 Abuse is authoritarian by nature. Authoritarianism isn't just dictatorship, it also manifests in a "my way or the highway" attitude. Even in covert narcissists. Because "my way or the highway" is inherent to abuse, because abuse is meanness/violence enacted to control another.

[@jillcummings8810]

@@lsmmoore1 that makes sense. Just a means to an end. Both are authoritarian and need control. Just go about getting it in a different manner.

[@godswillm575]

Well, back in the day people used to talk to real people around them. A lot. More than today's folks can imagine.

[@fernandoalegria4240]

Thank you Doctor,Ramani. I've been married to a narcissist for almost 50yrs. I'm not going anywhere, but now I know what's going on. Have taken your advice, realize that they are incapable of empathy or real love, so I don't expect much to begin with, rately disappointed.

[@ultravioletgaia]

That was a lifetime. Hope you find peace. Sending lots of hugs😢

[@fernandoalegria4240]

@@ultravioletgaiaI have found peace. I have looked into myself. All my answers are from within, and I can't fool myself. Thank you for your understanding.

[@oagrintel]

You had me at ... "You can learn about where these patterns come from, but you can't change them." So true, and I think that is the most important thing that any person should take away from this process of learning about the person in their life who is a narcissist; it's not about the narcissist as much as it is about you learning and growing to be healthy enough to either resist their narcissistic abuse or move on from it.

[@louisemerian3073]

I am someone who has been dealing with my own narcissistic personality traits (the tantrums, the rage from the shame and insecurity, with the emotional abuse as a result), and I too really wants to stress the fact, that no one else, no matter how well you understand the narcissistic persons background, can fix their childhood trauma. The only person who can take the role of the parent and teach them how to self sooth, is the narcissistic person themself. The only way out of being an abusive asshole is to take responsibility - and you can not do that on another person's behalf! So leave the narcissists alone, do NOT wait around, let them ruin their own lives and show them that the tantrums will not work - perhaps they will then turn their lives around and pick themselves up. You can't help them do it. Edit: I just want to point out, that I am talking about my own traits here, not a diagnosis. I just wanted that to be clear. And thanks for all the kind words - though it feels a bit funny given the subject. I am still a flawed person and honesty is the least I can do.

[@kittyblack1538]

Thank you for speaking up, I imagine it was difficult. I think I was developing narcissistic traits because of my family, it took leaving home and finding friends completely seperate to that life to show me that a) my childhood was fucked and b) my personality is problematic and needs to change but I am loved and in a safe place to seek healing. I have since come so far and can barely recognize my past self. I don't know if thats helpful to read, but thank you for sharing and I hope your healing journey is hopeful 💙

[@edwardlozinsky2969]

I pray that you find your own inner peace... and don't be too hard on yourself...

[@dhkngdkkdhkzcm6695]

Thanks for telling about that. I just found out that I am narcissistic and all the people around me are trying to "show" me this for years lol... I will do all I can to get better and not make everyone's life so miserable anymore 😢 Well, I know they just want to help and that they know how broken I am so I'm very thankful

[@dhkngdkkdhkzcm6695]

@@kittyblack1538 that's very helpful to read, I'm going through that too ❤️

[@edwardlozinsky2969]

You will get through this...I will be praying for you... stay strong...

[@josecgaltier5038]

This video should be daily played in every train station, airport, doctor/dentist/.. waiting room. Even at schools!

[@dflier52]

The narcissicism I have seen shows itself also in ALWAYS being able to turn self into the victim in any situation.

[@darodniel]

Realizing I have narcissistic tendencies, it’s the scariest and best thing that ever happened. Sorry and thanks Sebrina❤️

[@Devian016]

Being aware will help you better yourself to who you want to be. Also we can smell it once we are aware lol and you learn to avoid those type of people. At least the main redflags.

[@juliechen8710]

Yeah it’s one of the most horrifying things for sure. But be kind to yourself and don’t shame yourself for it. Realization & awareness can help us stop and heal!

[@diane4488]

You are unlikely to be a proper 'narcissist' if you can admit your faults /tendencies. We all have flaws but narcissistic people are usually too arrogant and entitled to admit they have any problems.

[@johnlondonbimeetup7961]

You might have learnt narc patterns from parent/guardian/role model when you were young, but if you also learned empathy young and can feel for other people then you can recognise and unlearn any harmful patterns and associations with time, and as others said: if you're here learning about it and can accept your faults and still value yourself and honestly work at being better, any narcissism is probably more minor.

[@lillired857]

@@johnlondonbimeetup7961 This is something I worry about. I can be very manipulative. Equally I feel undeserving of being treated well, so expect rejection. I have been a people pleaser and mother to people since I was small!

[@DeyaIV]

Lovely video, I read a phrase in Spanish about childhood wounds, it goes like: “heal your wounds, so you won’t be bleeding over the innocent ones” my translation. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge.

[@lesleybrown1583]

ONLY Jesus your maker can heal them! No therapist can ,they can ONLY capitalize on them and most have munchausers !

[@andrewmiller480]

Don Miguel Ruiz talks about in some of his toltec wisdom book's about emotional wounds. And how to heal them.

[@DeyaIV]

@@andrewmiller480 thanks! I didn’t remember where I read that. Sometimes I can remember what I read or what I heard but most of the time I forget who wrote it or who said it. Unless I had a deep knowledge of the author of those words. I know a little about The Four Agreements and I recognise Don Miguel Ruiz now. Thanks 😊

[@DeyaIV]

@@lesleybrown1583 yes, you are right. Those of us who know that, can start the healing process from narcissistic abuse, with Bible knowledge and the example of our lord Jesus. Sometimes the innocent ones suffer and make others suffer with them. You can see how they have been abused, but can’t do anything for them if they can’t accept their own open wounds and forget their painful past no other human can improve their life for them. For some people it’s easy to justify the bad behaviours of others but condemn themselves, that’s a sign of emotional abuse, Jesus said: And if any man hear my sayings, and keep them not, I judge him not: for I came not to judge the world, but to save the world.- John 12:47

[@andrewmiller480]

@@lesleybrown1583 thier is a sign in the bible that Jesus said that shows he had an over inflated ego. He said I am the only way to the father.

[@ashimaearthsky]

It's horrible that so many people have to watch this. It speaks volumes about our society. There are so many videos on trauma, narcissists... Our victimization needs to stop and we need to become the strong confident caring people we were meant to be to change the world. The Narcissists in my life may never change, but I have. And despite what they've done to me I'm rising above it and I'm choosing to see the good qualities in them and the people they were meant to be but never had a chance. Thank you for your channel. The world needs you! It needs us all!

[@jamieostrowski4447]

I agree there's so many hateful videos towards narcissists. What the victims don't see is that hating on narcissists only makes them damaged. Part of the path towards healing is to look with some measure of compassion towards the narcissists.

[@myafaire1682]

I've never heard my relationship with my mother described so well and so succinctly. Whenever I went to her because I was hurt (e.g., name calling at school), she would interrupt me and say, "That's nothing. When I was young..." She would then proceed to tell some horrific childhood story (e.g., her father and her twin brother beating to death a sack of kittens she had rescued). I learned fairly young that my feelings were trivial, shameful, stolen. So I kept them to myself. To this day (I'm 62), I literally cry when I have to ask someone to adjust their behavior because of my feelings (e.g., asking a co-worker not to wear perfume in our very cramped office). In that case, I cried at my desk for weeks, suffering silently. I didn't believe my feelings had value. I cried when I talked to her, apologizing all over myself. To my astonishment, she had no problem not wearing perfume...for me! I was dumbfounded. Anyway, that's a lingering effect of my narcissistic mother, may she RIP.

[@juliapavlicova365]

Thank you for sharing. It really resonate with me. Today even I am not surrounded by narcissist I still have inside such tendencies as walking on eggshells around another people, fear of voice my opinion without apologizing and setting healthy boundaries.

[@deborahszafraniec4829]

Powerful testimony!

[@michelmurphy1979]

I have felt those same things. You have helped others by sharing this. Thank you 🙏🏻

[@damyantivdevi]

You went to her someone else calling names. Reversed she called me names. Always blame me for not doing enough. Says I need you in my life starts back ward. Shes 75yrs iam only daughter knowing who she is .makes me a better person thats whats gives me strength to do to be in her needs. I don't have a father. Therefore I understand to her needs. I don't let her get to me.

[@anneg8]

Thank you for sharing this! This made me cry. I struggle with things like this too... it’s really so difficult. Take care of yourself love 💜 🌺 ☀️

[@deborrastrom8559]

As a Peds nurse & Foster Care nurse, I took parenting classes to be foster parent certified. Many of those in my classes were educated parents but clueless about appropriate discipline & bonding for children. This must be taught in Highschool & the lower levels of college... As a standard.

[@gracerawson2393]

You think developmental care when they are still a Baby can help prevent it?

[@vibesmom]

And in elementary school. My son said this to me once. We never learn about ourselves in school, and I’ll spend more time with myself than anyone else in the world. I should know who I am. Knowing who you are helps you understand others . Knowing how you learn, knowing how others learn, and supporting each other. Some schools are good at this but not all.Most are just work, crime and punishment situations. In my experience anyway.

[@vivsgm7538]

You must have a Licence to drive a car, You must have training to get mostly any kind job, Parents? What kind of license or training are they asked for? Becoming a parent is just so easy, and NO ONE, not One Law regulates a mandatory training at school, college, or anywhere.

[@deborrastrom8559]

@@gracerawson2393 perspective's are often distorted by the ways they were raised. Unfortunately. Communication is a deficit in American homes now days. Parents in the last 50yrs too tired to spend the time it takes. This seems to be highly because of the cost of living rise with the salaries staying the same. I think these things are at the core. Privileged non- struggling people will never understand how real these issues are. Perspectives must be changed to get change.

[@williambeaumont1312]

Parents who never correct their children. The child is always right, the parents give in to the child’s tantrums. They grow up with a sense of entitlement. Cannot take rejection or criticism.

[@kaymuldoon3575]

That’s exactly how my neighbor grew up to be a narcissist. Her mother spoiled her, coddled her, and basically handled all of the difficultly of life for her. She was an only child and did not have a father (her father bailed when she was a baby or maybe even before she was born). Her mother did not teach her how to handle life so when her mother, who was her major source of supply, passed away, my neighbor fell apart. She went on permanent disability due to severe depression. It’s kind of sad, actually.

[@hannahpumpkins4359]

That's how my dad grew up with NPD.

[@annatom4629]

My brother would match that description. He was over spoiled by my dad.

[@jillmeraz7542]

Or, parents who constantly belittle their children....

[@jaimesanders5715]

That wasn’t my mother’s experience - in fact, the opposite. She was orphaned young and her stepparents were abusive.

[@geminisfl]

14:06 the moment she says "a parent saying: 'I LOVE YOU' ... done" brought tears to my eyes... So simple, and so powerful ♥

[@KA-mq4wj]

I know my narc mother and my narc ex husband were abused by their parents but there’s absolutely no reason why they had to abuse me or my children the way they did. I was a loving daughter and wife. I didn’t deserve the years of humiliation.

[@visualapologetics4891]

To a great degree, being a loving daughter, and wife only fed the beast. I am older now, and I am so sad that I did not understand this 30 years ago.

[@marjorieharrington4953]

You married your mother.

[@yolandavillavicencio844]

I’m so sorry for what you went through

[@hazeleyes0071]

no one does now you need to heal

[@BruceLee-fd7uw]

You're diagnosing ur parents when ur not qualified

[@dewdrop4330]

Wow. It’s a miracle I’m not a narcissist! I do have other struggles, anxiety, over sensitive, not knowing how regulate my feelings....it’s a lifelong chore to parent oneself and grow into a better version of ourselves 🙂

[@AnitaD28]

So true. Right on ... 👍

[@TheCarolgibbons]

Same.

[@Jared_Michael]

I was thinking the same while watching this

[@earthbarnes6694]

Me too the same

[@Tarotcooks]

👏👏👏

[@stacyrosa6672]

My Mom was horribly abused and neglected, both physically and emotionally. She developed heavy narcissistic tendency, and extreme depression, for which she was hospitalized when I was 4 years old. She told me from as early as I can remember, that God had given me to her in order that I could heal her pain. I didn't realize until the past couple of years (I'm 60)what an awful responsibility to put on a four year old. Being placed in that role had a huge impact on all of my adult relationships.

[@Bhappi137]

My Mum was neglected emotionally by both her Mum and Dad , she was very intelligent but this wasn’t valued as a daughter born in the 1940’s none of her School Parents evenings were attended and she wasn’t allowed to go to University, she grew up to be horribly narcissistic, she had me in the 60’s she never to me she loved me and I had a horrible trauma bond with her, I was the black sheep , my cousin was the golden child (he’s one year older than me ) and she idolised him, I was always too fat / too thin , too stupid, never ever enough, and she left to move away as soon as she could, I was just turned 16 years old when she left me alone in a City with no home , but somehow I’d caused this ? Nothing was ever her fault.

[@susanparker9877]

​@@Bhappi137 HI True North. So glad you've reached out in this safe space, learning about narcissism. Your mom had serious issues that didn't belong on your shoulders. I wish you a future of healing with the wonderful help of Dr. Ramini, and the rest of this motley crew of Healers❤.

[@TheSofres]

I feel I went through pretty much the same and was recently diagnosed with adhd at 46. Add cptsd and cluster C PD, I am a jumbled mess. How can I even try to have a healthy relationship with anyone as I always draw narcissistic people to me. My people pleasing nature is hard to rewire. My mom passed on Aug/22 and I would say she too had ptsd and adhd. But I still had to take care of her because of dementia. I’m trying to heal but just ended a relationship with someone I had a very deep connection with.

[@staceykochanek5713]

Same

[@katdancing7152]

I’ve been married to a narcissistic for 32 years. We haven’t lived together in 7 years. I hope to get divorced from him this year. I always felt sorry for him because of his absolutely awful childhood. I didn’t know his dad that well but from what I know, he modeled horrible behavior. Probably a narcissist himself. I do still feel bad for him but I’m not interested in ever going back to him now that I know about narcissism. I’ll never put myself in that position again now that I got away. I wanted to watch the video because I want to help my grandkids. I can definitely see how narcissism, ocd, depression etc get passed on. I wish I knew this information 32 years ago. Thank you Dr. Ramani for sharing this important information.

[@ImBalance]

Viewing children as “performative extensions of themselves” is a very apt description

[@ss-wo2rw]

Growing up in a narcissistic family and being the scape goat , I'm deadly afraid of becoming a narcissistic myself .I want to unlearn all the "survival" instincts I unconsciously learnt .I'm not sure how.. I never want to put someone through the things I went through.

[@acceleratedlearning9327]

Study and do tons of self reflection! I'm sure that will do the trick, the truth shall set you free

[@KatieDarden]

Just the facts that (1) you are conscious of and understand what happened, (2) you do NOT want to continue any learned behavior you may have absorbed, (3) you do NOT want to treat others the way you were treated, all goes to show that with your sincerity you can learn to recognize when you might be either falling into the problem behavior and you have the potential to shift your experience so you don't repeat any of it. I highly recommend finding someone you trust who is trained in Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) - NLP is all about results, not about dwelling on all the reasons why. Good luck, and congratulations.

[@Bryan-uw1ny]

Seek help. The best you can afford. Be a narcissist, atleast for me is terrible.

[@tadpole7396]

Me too, its like carrying a sack of crap around 24 hrs a day, every day for years 😢😢 xxx

[@tadpole7396]

@@KatieDarden thankyou 💗💗💗 xxx

[@M11TS]

I as a mental health professional thought I knew about narcissism. I come to realize I know so little. Thank you for your work, you're a great person and educator.

[@elhadjdiallo633]

Narcs have ruined billions of lives ...I have been experiencing cptsd , and anxiety at this time I'm in the shelter I shouldn't be in the shelter at all I deserve better I know my worth and value !!!! I just need help in the shelter it's not safe in the shelter narcs are there more than ever I don't look at them in the eyes at all I'm always silent because I don't ever wanna talk to anyone who is toxic , narcs et .......

[@Truthseeker-lf5kn]

More mental health professionals need to learn more about Narcissistism and the abuse that they do to their kids, spouses, & etc. There are millions of us who have been physically, mentally, & emotionally abuse. We suffer from all kinds of disorders. I have C-PTSD, Anxiety (GAD), insomnia, & fear of abandonment. I know others that are suffering with the same things. My NM did the abusing and I didn't even know it her for decades. She was a Covert Narcissist probably with some soicalopathology. My point is "We suffer in silence."

[@slim12345]

As a narcissist who has been coming to terms with his condition for over 10 years I found this the most informative and balanced description that I have seen. You explained almost everything about myself and my siblings. Thank you

[@ajw7971]

If you are trying to find out why you are how you are, you might not even BE a narcissist. That kind of willingness to engage in self-introspection doesn't sound like your average Joe Narcissist to me. Not to invalidate your description of yourself, but I reckon you might be moving away from that old pattern if you can view yourself so dispassionately. The ones I know/knew have NO IDEA that they are narcissists; it's the OTHERS who are the problem.

[@slim12345]

@@ajw7971 I have no doubt I am a highly deceptive covert narcissist. Being well educated and having tried to change for the past 10+ years makes it easier for me to seem non-narcissist. The article covered every aspect of my childhood in detail. Thanks for your reflection on my comment.

[@lmd2752]

@@slim12345 a highly deceptive covert narcissist playing the part of a highly deceptive covert narcissist ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)

[@prairieN]

I watched my emotionally and physically abusive grandfather and uncles make huge changes and become truly more loving and compassionate people. All three had major life changes that instigated the deep painful work they had to do to work through it. Since I watched these transformations take place as a child and teen, my take away is that you had to endure abuse before relationships got better. That was the wrong message. My ex got more and more abusive and I feel lucky to be alive. I hope you can do the work to face the deep shame and come through it a more gentle and loving person to yourself and others. It's possible. But it isn't anything anyone can do for you.

[@ajw7971]

@@slim12345 Now you are sounding a bit more like a narcissist. I hear know-it-all arrogance and a bit of condescension in your comment, which are typical features of narcissists. I take it all back LOL

[@Holdup1986]

My childhood was a mess. I was raped around 8 years old by my father. My family chose to treat me like the problem child despite knowing what was going on in my house. And what's more they kept the truth from my mother and tried to turn my mother against me. She had no idea why I acted out like I did. I was bullied at school by my teachers and my classmates. I grew up to have depression and PTSD but not narcissism. I married a narcissist though. And we are now divorcing. He abandoned my son and I three years ago and refuses to have any contact with us. I know how it feels to be treated like an outcast. Like you're unworthy. Like you're ugly, stupid, and any hurt you feel is your fault. No one's pain should ever be invalidated. I treat people like I want to be treated. If I don't want to be unloved and unappreciated, why the heck would I do that to anyone else.

[@kathybrem880]

I’m so sorry you went thru that

[@AnnMariePastor]

Be strong,,you can, I know you went through hell, be strong, it's over. Try to live for you get away from the past

[@TeresaIrvin]

Bless ur heart baby girl, my ❤ goes out to you the Good Lord is with you..

[@DeeAlexev]

sending love you way, you got this! 🤍🤍🤍

[@Joe-Phoenixxx]

Look up, see the sky, beautiful isn't it.

[@schrodingerbracat2927]

everybody has a responsibility to deal with his/her inner demons. no exceptions, no excuses.

[@Barbara_Banks_1]

As the scapegoated child, and now an anxious adult with cPTSD, I think this is 💯. Thank you for your work and dedication Dr. Ramani.

[@adrienne_despisespronouns]

That's me as well

[@AlonnaMarie123]

Me three 🙏🏽

[@JesusIsTheWay.Truth.Life.]

Me four.... I wonder sometimes if I'll ever feel normal.

[@user-qf6gw7uk6l]

I'm so sorry Barbara. May Christ open up your heart and may you seek Him all the days for the rest of your life for healing and true relationship. He will NEVER abandon you. Christ gave His life for you, will you receive Him into your life? This is a question to definitely think about. Much love xx

[@mona-o7r1l]

Same

[@fluffyclouds555]

So good. Entitlement is a narcissist’s way of protecting their insecurity.

[@SisterSunnyFreeSpirit]

Social Media is not to blame. We must take responsibility for our usage of these tools.

[@tim57243]

To summarize, causes are: * Traumatic past events * Insecure attachment * Difficult temperament leading to caretakers withdrawing and making the attachment issue worse. * Plenty of practical resources but no emotional support. * Modeling narcissist parents. * Narcissist parents treating the child's emotions as a statement about their own emotions. * Conditional love, especially parents who love the kids only when they win contests. * Lack of opportunities to learn to deal with disappointment. * Modeling of financial success resulting from entertaining people on social media. (This seems oddly specific.) * Adults around the child enabling narcissism, either in the child or in other adults. But not all people exposed to this treatment turn out narcissist. We don't have long term longitudinal studies about this, only case studies and retrospective research. None of this provides a lever to change a narcissist who doesn't want it. It is unclear what causes someone exposed to this stuff to become narcissist or have other problems. The golden child of a narcissist parent is more likely to become narcissist than the scapegoat.

[@olenawagner80]

Thank you

[@KatieDarden]

Sometimes the narcissism is genetic - even without that parent being present in their life. I only recently discovered this about someone close to me, but it explains so many things about her behavior while growing up. AND also about why she clings to victimhood and can't be alone for very long.

[@saetae9208]

Thanks 😊

[@michaelwalker217]

@@KatieDarden genes tell all

[@CClausen85]

To summarize, it's a complex set of behaviors, and the children who do not become narcissists are those who are clever enough to figure it out. Children who are surrounded by 'flying monkeys' have even less of a chance to realize that this is 'abuse' and not love, care, and unconditional attention. This isn't just about how parents and children react, proxies are also a prime factor.

[@triciasimon283]

Our high needs ( extremely fussy baby), who is now 34, was my life’s challenge and I defied all suggestions from well meaning friends, family ( and spouse ), by meeting his needs. He was my third son and I felt confident that by allowing him to cling and by attending to his needs and misunderstood whining, there was a purpose that was not a form of infant manipulation. He did have some minor health issues which I was not, at the time aware of. However, I learned to trust my own instincts and he is an awesome, compassionate, intelligent and very creative man. As an infant, he expected to be held, but facing away from me due to sensory issues, which I was unaware of but instinctively understood.. I am proud and grateful to have been chosen to be his mother! I used to say to my critics; “ Don’t worry, I’ll put him down when he goes to College.” As an empath raised by a narcissistic mother, I feel I broke the chain.

[@triciasimon283]

@@sfc5774 Thank you so much! Best wishes and good things for you and your family!

[@jenniekelly571]

KUDOS to YOU!! You obviously did a great job raising him. I'm glad you listened to yourself and not others, when you feel that strongly, it normally means you're right. Enjoy all of your children, and may Yah bless you!

[@teachermichelle9632]

Beautiful! Well done Momma!!!

[@cyndimoring9389]

I did the same and my most 'difficult' one is my most wise and empathetic one now.

[@aicerg]

Beautiful ♥️

[@FredSlocombe]

13:50 Conditional Love. 16:39 Helicopter Parents 19:20 Suspended Emotional Development. 22:40 Enabling.

[@epic1761]

Your a hero

[@g.strobl4458]

Thank you for taking the time to do this!

[@tinadraper9143]

My 11 year old son is starting to throw tantrums when told no, I'm telling him no and sticking to it so I don't become an enabler but now he is taking it out on his sister, when mad at me he goes and hits her. I love my son, I don't want him to be a narcissist, I don't know how to make him behave, I'm 5ft 5 his sister is 5ft3 and he is growing, gonna be taller than us soon but at his narcissist dad's house his dad keeps him in check but he acts up at my house. I had a talk with him this weekend, hopefully it did some good.

[@myleonisd]

Thanks, this is really useful

[@Amy-tk3wv]

@@tinadraper9143 get him in counceling & use appropriate consequences like teaching him how to be empathetic to other’s such as doing more chores or having phone taken away & especially take away gaming systems & never let them play violent or narcissistic games with self entitlement & killing or hurting

[@renee55]

I was born into narcissistic family structure. I had a mental breakdown in 2017 and saw how it was so. I noticed the traits I had and tried breaking the cycle. My mother in law was one. I feel eventually the only way to survive is by mirroring their behavior yet even that seems narcissistic but at this point going no contact Means mentally going back in time and breaking the bond. They hold you to an obligation based on titles. Guilt, shame and constantly making you believe you need to keep fixing yourself. I'm 45 and just now realizing what I need to do to be at peace.

[@Lilyflygirl]

Maybe you can help me. I got divorced to a narcissist and I have share custody of our kids( boys 12/10 yo), who have been consistently used to hurt me. I’m really afraid about how my kids can be affect by him. That’s why I’m here, to learn how to help my boys. Any advice ?

[@renee55]

@@Lilyflygirl they will realize it later. I know that doesn't help right now but I imagine you don't do what the narc does and smear your ex. It's extremely hard to do. Being the bigger person in front of your children is the best thing you can do. I highly recommend counseling to provide yourself an outlet. I look back now and wish I had. I was losing my mind from the crazy making and my children saw it. They're now adults and since I didn't return the smearing, it just appears as though I had a mental breakdown on my own. It affected them, it shows but I know they'll eventually come around. I protected them from the truth because I was more afraid of how it would affect them and as a result it protected my ex's image. They will figure it out. At 10/12 they aren't thinking about that stuff. Your ex is trying to shape their perception. This generally backfires because it generates anxiety in the child. They will resent your ex for feeling like they are in the middle. I hope that helps

[@clintonnagy1662]

I can appreciate your comment. I too, did the same. I didn't have a breakdown but it was more like a breakthrough. I saw bad habits I adopted from my parents. It wasn't till I was in my 40's I started to change into the man I was born to be ( after making changes ) but I had to put my old self to rest first. I still have relationship issues but seeking help to understand how/why I react to abandonment/ past break-up issues. I didnt see the damage I suffered over the years until every relationship would fail because of me. I thought it was normal to break-up and blame the other person. Now I'm forced to take accountability for the part I play in all this, because I'm the main character in a movie that I'm the hero and the villian.

[@Itsrickbicth]

Dr. Ramani, I am very close to becoming able to escape (financial independence) the shackles of my narc "mother." You have awakened me to just how serious this is and how she actually is my enemy. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Wish me luck for the next 3 months. I'll need plenty of it.

[@suzumiBreizh]

Good luck to you and be brave. The financial independance is what allowed me to start to unchain myself from the relationship with my narcissistic parent. I believe in you, you're on the right way for yourself.

[@Itsrickbicth]

@@suzumiBreizh thank you so, so much.

[@LukaszJarochowski]

Luck favors the prepared, and you're preparing. Otherwise where chance is a factor, your conciousness illuminating the moving parts will shift elements in your favor. So, that's me saying "Good luck!"

[@simplifylife3304]

Get away when your prepared and never look back.

[@gladiammgtow4092]

Top 10 ways to deal with your Narcissist kzbin.info/www/bejne/gGTaoKCBbJWUnJI

[@competiti22]

This woman is amazing! Beautiful, seems to have a lovely nature. Knows her stuff, speaks so clearly, able to explain in such an effective manner.

[@flounder1011]

She is amazing! Soft soothing voice with strong, clear, intelligent delivery. A difficult subject, no easy solutions, She provides understanding.

[@Juke582]

Yup thousands before you said this about this doctor! She is an amazing person!

[@sandradee1579]

I agree. Dr. Ramani is my favorite speaker on this topic. She's well versed & on point. The viewers tune in to get a better understanding of a Narc's wiring & how it effects their victims.

[@johanson8233]

❤

[@savannaharcher7561]

My mom was covert. All her boyfriends were overt or malignant... One is in jail. The other I barely speak to. And one who was an alcoholic. My grandma was also narcissistic. I eventually cut all out of my life for good. Unfortunately, after going through all of these experiences with these people, I have empathy that I do believe is a blessing in disguise. At first, finding out what psychological abuse I was put through made me enraged, but now I am liberated and feel only pity for them. May they find peace without me.

[@katydid6920]

Have you experienced being preyed upon because you are alone? I have

[@lightpainteddoll]

❤

[@annchristine47]

Brilliant programme answering so many questions about so many varied situations.For the 70 plus generation,we lost ourself worth now you’r restoring our sanity just in time!

[@LeilaJane]

It's annoying the way people tend to sometimes feel more for the narcissist than for the non-narcissist who had just as much hardship as the narcissist. I guess part of it is that the narcissist wants to draw pity from others, whereas healthy people have been able to deal with their own issues and don't want to burden others with negative feelings.

[@katelynnwoods]

My mom never came to my games but it was because she was working so hard to raise her 6 kids with a grade 2 education. She loved us so much. Our dad was the narc and walked out on us.

[@sa9110]

The “mom, I’m sad” thing hit pretty hard. My mom is definitely narcissistic, and I told her when I was 16 that I thought I was becoming depressed (it was actually the beginning of c-ptsd) and she told me “you live a charmed life! You don’t know what depression is!” And absolutely lit into me for not considering my words around someone who actually was depressed like her. And I don’t have a single memory of her saying “I love you” first. It was never a statement she made to me. Ever. So I tell my kids constantly that I love them. I don’t want them to ever doubt that mom loves them. And both my kids are severely autistic, so they have a difficult time regulating emotions. We spend a lot of time working on that. It’s healing to give them what I never got. It still hurts, I’ve never felt really loved (I moved out of my moms house and immediately married a narcissist), but I’m trying to be a good person in spite of the treatment I’ve gotten.

[@kidkanoo]

I can relate to you so much, depressed narcissistic mother, still making all about her. I don’t remember as a child being told I love you or being cuddled and comforted by either of my parents (father a narcissist who left) so like you I tell my children I love them every single day and how special they are.

[@redflamearrow7113]

It's so important for your children to tell them you love them. Congratulations for breaking the narcissistic cycle!

[@melanieduke5816]

Hang in there - it sounds like you are doing amazing! Being a parent of child with autism has to be super hard so you deserve a trophy.

[@abigailestherrobinson2204]

Sending love! 💗

[@traceye.6428]

My experience is so similar to yours. In addition, I lost a pregnancy during surgery. I was “recovering” at my mothers house. One day it hit me hard that I had lost another pregnancy, and I needed some motherly love. I went downstairs crying, when my mother saw me, she said “what are you crying about now?” I just said “I lost another baby and I’m sad about it”, and I walked away. She never came to console me, and never did even though I’d lost many more after that. I don’t think she wanted me to be pregnant anyway. I was fairly newly married, and she didn’t really like my husband, who was the sweetest man I’ve ever known. My second marriage ended up being to a narcissist. Why didn’t I recognize him as such?

[@lizbayert4848]

I really love the way you explain things. My daughter is married to a text book grandiose narracciist. He is 50 and she is 30. My daughter is a beautiful person who see the best in everyone but as smart as she is does not see thru this man. She believed he has become a better person when in reality he's just became a better actor. They own a ranch and I think she's starting to see a little bit because she has a 2 yr old and 9 week old baby. He has nothing to do with the newborn and only gives attention to the 2 yr old because she adores him and he goes out of his way to give her everything she wants. While my daughter is a wonderful parent and sets boundaries and is the only disaplinary he goes right behind her and destroys it by letting her have her way and making my daughter the bad guy. I don't know how many times she's cried to me about how bad it hurts when she is the one that is with the children the majority of the time but as soon as he walks in she doesn't like her mom. I am very close to my daughter and grandkids and the only reason he accepts that and me is because I have a purpose. Either cleaning or babysitting so he can make my daughter do more chores on the ranch. He is so entitled grandiose or whatever the words are... Nobody can hardly stand to be around him. If there's a family function he will fake a phone call and be as load as possible throwing out bullshit numbers to try and make people think he's a big shot. Everyone sees right thru it. I could go on and on....I just don't see why my beautiful intelligent daughter doesn't. Oh ill add one more piece to the puzzle...my daughter has always loved animals. She has a calling with them..she has learned to doctor all the horses cows goats etc....she has always been very aware of any health issues and makes sure they are not suffering but because she just had a baby she has not been able to do as much and the animals have suffered. They are only dollar signs to him. An example...we live in Wyo calving season is usually end of April or May. Until she begged and pleated to him he was calving at the beginning of March! Do you know how cruel that is? First of all if you are not patrolling 24/7 they are dead before they hit the ground (our job because he's to good to actually work) and if they do survive some of them lose their ears to frost bite or end up with Pneumonia and die anyways. Sorry sorry I can't seem to stop myself when I start talking about this. I really need to find some sort of Help to get me through some of my Issues. Watching this happen with my daughter

[@Rhonda9199]

Hopefully she will come to her senses and just keep praying!❤

[@tennysonparks2059]

Oh no, can she leave him and take her kids?

[@fayvandunk8347]

Until your daughter comes to the realisation that she is married to a narcissist and he will beat her down emotionally she won't leave him. Just continue to stay in her life, as she and the children will increasingly need you.

[@Hatbox948]

Don't feel bad about unloading here. It does sound like a troubling situation. Was there ever another wife? Sad to say, but her marriage may end up on the skids. My heart goes out to her and the children.

[@Hatbox948]

She'd probably worry about the animals.

[@jean-pierrep6844]

I'm a failed narcissist. I'm most probably a covert borderline with codependent compulsions. Luckily recovery is teaching me to balance my emotions and be helpful to others while looking after myself.

[@jodyyy8752]

Omg wtf!!!! This sounds like me too! Are there any sources linked to this specific situation? I would love to delve more and recover like you.

[@donnavorbach215]

You have quite a name!

[@donnavorbach215]

@@jodyyy8752 Chessy, I think you will succeed, you have spirit!

[@Earthether]

I wish you were near WV DR RAMI. I am exactly as you describe here. Your videos are very helpful .

[@Earthether]

Dr Rami I am a failed Narcissist. I think. Any suggestions on who I should see in WV on this topic. Thank you for your videos . I feel you describe me pretty well although I am a very successful professional I have issues w my emotions. THank you. Any suggestions. I’m in WV

[@shadowishl5396]

Before I learned any of these from Dr.Ramani, I called out my mom as a toxic mother, and a few days later she told me that “I got pneumonia because you called me a toxic mother”

[@brettweary8491]

Wow That Does Happen they Blame you for Everything

[@jessicacole8404]

Science ceases to exists

[@pamelajulian9159]

Mom just like a narc👎🏻🤢

[@ThingsILove2266]

Oh that’s rich

[@therealJamieJoy]

I had to laugh at this statement because it seems like a parody, or a joke. Having been raised in a family with narcissists I 100% believe this statement as true! 🤪🤪🤪 You almost have to experience it to believe it!

[@mullcrumthesage6303]

The first 7 years of a human life are immensely critical. That's when the lifelong programming, positive or negative occurs.

[@monicageorgson4870]

Don't underestimate the first TWO, and don't think that because your toddler won't remember that you left him for two weeks to go on a vacation, that it won't mess him up for life

[@mullcrumthesage6303]

@@monicageorgson4870 You're 100% correct Monica..thank you for your comment.

[@gracegeek4678]

Please research Neural plasticity

[@cherriedelucia9254]

I am so grateful to have come across these videos by Dr. Ramani about Narcissism. I didn't know that the abuse that I have been enduring from my sibling is a by product of Narcissism. It drove me into major depression and chronic anxiety. Now I am more equipped in finding ways to handle them. Thank you so much.

[@edwardlozinsky2969]

Now I understand why my wife of 19 years told me she couldn't afford me because of my degenerative spinal disease and dropped me off at a park and was homeless for 2 years trying to get my disability claim settlement...GOD Bless you for all you do to help people understand this tragic illness..

[@katelynnwoods]

😮😡😥

[@Treebard]

I'm so sorry you went through that. It was unconscionable, what she did.

[@jessicacole8404]

Man that is just fucking cold

[@pamelajulian9159]

Wow, until you live it most people don't get it. I pray your doing well. My ex kicked me to the curb in similar struggle. ✝️🇺🇸☦️🙏🏻

[@donnahamilton7850]

I am so sorry you went through that! These people I will never be able to understand. I pray that you are in a better place emotionally,mentally and physically as well as living in a safe home. I have been staying with roommates for a few years and she is a full blown narcissistic. I understand how hard it is to get away. For me its financial but I will get out. Sending you blessings!

[@philipjohnkaye8890]

You are absolutely correct doctor, so many people feel sorry for narcissists the moment they learn about their upbringing, and all it does it lead to devastating consequences. It's a vicious cycle that unfortunately millions of people have become blind to.

[@verlieannejones6661]

I'm nearly 70 and have spent a lifetime trying to understand my narcissistic mother - the sixth of 8 children in a very poor family, her experience of the London blitz during WW2, her pregnancy - all traumatic experiences that maybe explained why she treated me (and others) the way she did. For me this video is important because it tells me not to condone her behaviour, not to sacrifice myself to it (tough one that!), that I can't resolve her pain. Thank you! If only there had been such videos when I was young.

[@christophlanganki7507]

My grandmother was trapped under the rubble for 3 days in WW2. My mother had a hate love relationship with her and may have been the cause for my sister to develop schizophrenia due her manipulations. She is now dead for more than 15 years, but she planted the seeds of damage. I was the golden child so to speak, as my grandmother didn't make the effort to manipulate my father into punishing me. She however did it with my brother and he was quite jealous, that I wasn't beat up by my father.

[@nowthenzen]

Trauma is inherited. The goal is to break the cycle

[@mumcmillfields]

If only!! x

[@sunbeam8161]

I am 60 now and hear you loud and clear. So thankful for Dr. Rameny and this wonderful group! I have cried over spilled milk long enough (so many wasted years, emotions and energy) and am now working on my healing vs. trying to understand my narcissistic mother... Wishing you healing and happiness🌻

[@charlyb7231]

Apologies for the long post. There's just no way a comment about a narcissist can be short. Or sweet. Although it may just be interesting. So here it goes. I'm proud of myself and I'm experiencing a little more peace, because at this point in my life I have come to the realisation that my mother probably went through some sort of hurt, abuse or trauma. So it's a big step from how I used to see her and feel about her. I previously really disliked her, (sometimes to the point of hatred) I resented her, I was bitter towards her, I was embarrassed by her, and I struggled to get over all the things she did to me. And just when I thought I had finally forgiven her, or just when I thought that I could maybe try again with her and have a better relationship, she would start her nonsense again, or my past feelings towards her would come up again. I have struggled with this woman for 33 years. My entire life. I am absolutely finished. She just never quits. The older I get and the more I get to know her and get to know myself, the less she causes drama or the drama is just less severe. This is also due to the fact that I'm learning to just ignore her or to not retaliate, and also because some of her crap finally just doesn't bother me anymore. However, it wasn't like this when I was a child and teenager/young woman. My teenage years were the absolute worst. She really did so much damage to my life. Like my good friend (who is my mother's age) says, "that woman absolutely destroyed you!" Or as my other friend says "you are better off without her." But it doesn't end there. I can word for word quote what other people have said as well- either just by knowing my story or they had an encounter with her themselves. And I can tell you that none of my friends have ever wanted to come back to my house, and not even I at times have wanted to come back to my house. So my point is, my mother is an absolutely impossible person to deal with. She is toxic and abusive, and sometimes even purposely creates discomfort. Her words, her attitude, and her behaviour towards myself and others can be absolutely diabolical. Rude, aggressive, abusive, narcissistic, manipulative, entitled, and gaslight behaviour with little shame, remorse, consideration, or empathy, all actually constitute as evil. I understand that something may have happened to her when she was young, and I do feel so much pain and empathy for her. I regularly bless her and ask God to help and save her, and I have asked Him to reveal to me what happened to her. But I am also not going to roll over and just accept this nonsense anymore. I still stand up for myself and actually put myself first and don't always allow her to disrespect me. To me it is absolutely unacceptable that after 79 years she still hasn't changed. She still carries on and ignores all the cries from us. She refuses to humble herself and to learn and change. So I do hold her accountable. There comes a time when none of us can hold onto things and blame others for what happened to us years ago. Or to excuse behaviour because of trauma. We all have a responsibility to help ourselves and to change the situation now. We've all gone through pain and trauma. Many of us listen and learn and grow and have to change our ways, so what excuses others? And because my mother and some others hurt me, I also used to hurt others at times. But I eventually realised my wrongs and humbled myself and made an effort to become a better person and I even apologised to a couple of people that I had hurt years before. I love her and I forgive her, and I will be there for her, but I'm sorry, I just cannot excuse and forget about the pain caused, especially since I am still living her with. I'll finally be moving out into my own place over the next few months, mostly because I just don't want to be around her for much longer, but I will never cut ties with her or break our relationship. I love her, she can be a great person, she has raised and rescued me and done a lot for me, and she has some cool and nice qualities, but unfortunately the bad behaviours and attitudes have far outweighed the good, and the dominant side is the toxic side.

[@annelousteau9799]

I have come to realize that someone had probably messed with my mother when she was young. Now that she is dead, I have forgiven her, but I am still, at 77 years old, suffering from her verbal abuse,even after years of psychiatric counseling. I will probably take this to my grave. 😢❤ Y'all take care. ❤

[@Rhonda9199]

So sorry...Take Care!

[@valeriedorsey7527]

Where there's life, there's hope. Don't give up. All the best to you going forward.

[@tanjarepside9999]

I tried to "save" him, but end up saving my soul.

[@H.Lindgren]

I was the same but I could not last of gas light and rage and Accusation. Drove me mad and only one way out.

[@samanthashaw7188]

What you're saying about not being able to "undo their history" hit me hard. I remember thinking exactly that with my ex, that I could fix him and show him the love that he never got. Suffice to say, it didn't work. Knowing what I know now about narcissism, I can see it that much clearer in not just my ex, but my mother as well, and the patterns that have repeated in my own life. I grew up in the scapegoat role, I see the golden child in my older sister, and the lost child in my younger brother. Leaving my ex, getting into therapy, and finding your videos, it's been life changing for me.

[@ChristoWilfredblr]

I've recently left a very abusive relationship and tomorrow is my first day of therapy. I really need it. I'm struggling to understand why my love and genuine affection and care was met with such rage and abuse. I have so many unanswered questions. She lied to me about everything and I'm no longer in touch with her (thank goodness), but I always have this feeling that I want to confront her. I dunno.. I'm really broken

[@samanthashaw7188]

@@ChristoWilfredblr I know it's really hard to see this now, but please trust that their behavior is not about you. Its about them. Therapy is good to address the root causes behind why we gave people like that the green flag in the first place. There is always signs in the beginning that, for whatever reason, we choose to ignore (no judgment, I've been there, and it's largely unconcious). You're in for a rough road ahead. I'm 8 months out and am still working through shit. Once you stop and face the music, your life and your relationships with every single person in your life will begin to change. Its going to suck for a while, im going to be honest with you. But it's worth it. I promise.

[@ChristoWilfredblr]

@@samanthashaw7188 Thanks for that Samantha. I'm happy to report that I am making some progress even if it's at a snail pace. It's shocking to me just how many people are going through this. It also hurts deeply that we didn't deserve this. After all that, the thing that gets to me the most is that I still care about her you know.. I STILL only want the best for her and I was supposed to be that person that have her the life she never had and she just threw it away. I keep wondering where she is and what she's doing... All of this just sucks. Sorry, don't mean to sound like a bummer but, I'm sure you get it.

[@Jellybean-fj4cn]

I was the scapegoat and my twin sister was the golden child in a narcissist father and schizophrenic mother household. I ended up with BPD and PTSD. I’m 42 and just now learning how to love myself.

[@Loriburnett]

Omg. My story is exactly the same as yours.

[@Soralella71]

My story is exactly the same as yours, except for the fact that my mother was not schizophrenic but she was an enabler. I understand you, I have BPD and PTSD as well, plus depression and anxiety. Sibling is a malignant narcissist.

[@_HeARTSconnection]

Sending you love and healing energy 💚. I have BPD too and am doing the work to better regulate it. The label just helps us understand ourselves more and know our triggers. It sucks that it has such a stigma but no one can judge us...even though they might think they are. No one is perfect. I'm on the self love journey too and we got this!!

[@beniron5807]

That’s why we need to educate people on how mistreatment of children can result in troubled adults who then perpetuate the problems. Ground breaking, I know

[@mildsyndromes]

Any time I cried around my mother her response was “You have no reason to cry, my childhood was much harder.” Only at 28 am I realizing my mother may be a narcissist and it hurts knowing she robbed me of a childhood that is almost blank and black from all the trauma she caused.

[@rodneycaupp5962]

My Childhood was aloneness, day by day by day, for right about the first 10 years. The new neighbors and a new city helped save some of it. Fish ponds and pastures are good... like a creek with minnows. That was age 10 to age 19.... PEACE MEGAN... Adding finishing touches I went to War right out of High school. Class of 1969... 4 long brutal years for this No-Body.

[@YasminMahnaz]

Depends.. if you cried over superficial stupid stiff often, it toys or things other ppl had...or if you keep crying about a friend that won't play with you, or vacation u wish u sent on, or better food, bigger home, or more fun, etc etc.. then eventually yes u don't have reason cry about. Thanks for giving us Zero context.. we have no idea what hell you cried about but boo hoo. Unless u had disability or angry mother.. we don't get your story

[@lcflngn]

So sorry, but the sooner you can disconnect emotionally, the better.

[@lisawentworth6831]

you are lucky you are 28...I#m turning 60 in a few days and just realized it. I thought she was so perfect but now I realize those backhanded compliments and insults came from her, not the people she was 'protecting' me from

[@lcflngn]

Just realized I should’ve really said it took me decades to see the truth & disengage. A supportive husband and later amazing adult kids, and more supportive fam and friends. This takes a village, or at least helps a ton if you can build one. Not a trial for the faint of heart. Get fam on your side. Not in a mean way, just be totally honest, unblaming as possible, & tbh many will already have figured it out. Best of luck to you. It’s ish and a damn shame, but you don’t deserve it, and most folks who love you will know that’s the truth. Keep your head high, and you will be well and fine. The real goal is to have healthy relationships of your own, and that is absolutely possible.