"How do I get over my fear of intimacy as a sexual abuse survivor?" ep.122

[@melk.3485]

Thanks Katie 💛 Timestamps and some notes: Q1) 00:38 - Anxiety about being a “bad patient”, CPTSD ... talk to your therapist about it Q2) 05:47 - Advice on intimacy after sexual abuse ... "The Courage to Heal" workbook, exposure therapy, working with a therapist, go slow vs flooding Q3) 33:19 - Are some people too damaged to heal? Add on) 39:53 - DID and integration Q4) 43:31 - How do you get to a place where you can talk about certain topics in therapy? Includes medical trauma Q5) 53:04 - How to cope between therapists Q6) 55:47 - Struggling while on the waiting-list for therapy ... contact crisis support, seek support elsewhere eg NA / AA etc Q7) 1:00:13 - On nonverbal sexual consent 1:08:41 - ⭐️ Q8) 1:09:39 - Is there such a thing as too many diagnoses? Fear of not being believed.

[@cindyc]

Thank you for the notes and time stamps. 🤗❤

[@belleblack8619]

Thank you for talking about this stuff!! Also specifically thanks for talking about the issues with DID integration. I have DID and fusion is NOT our solution, because our most common fronter (me) only developed six years ago, so trying to smash all the rest of us into just me is simply impossible. The last time we were singular was when we were four years old, so to fuse we would have to massively regress. It might work for some people, but it’s not practical for many.

[@GiraffesEatStuff]

I cannot express how scary it felt when you mentioned exposure therapy (or when people do, I just need to zone out), but actually thanks sm for making it sound easier or more simple right after.

[@heatherblack8311]

20:00-21:00 min on video what you said. that saved my heart. thank you. im going to find your book at the library. i understand the red deer.

[@LessThanThree76]

Yay, finally Thursday again and a new ”bed time story” from my favourite podcaster and therapist with the most soothing voice. Extra thankful now, since my own therapist is on vacation for a month atm. But hey - two weeks down and ”only” four more to go. 😬 Thanks for being here, Kati. ❤️

[@yb4691]

Whoop, new podcast! 💛 Thanks! About question 1, I'm also overthinking therapysessions and 'what would my therapist think'. Just wanted you to know that my therapist never reacted in a weird/confronting/angry/etc way when I told her something about our patient-therapistrelationship or about thoughts related to her. She always reacted in a calm way. (For example, I'm struggleling with recieving critisism. And she knows I'm 'scared' that she wil lash out on me.)

[@lauren11112222]

Thank you so much for answering my question(6) I’m going to look into better help and talks space to bridge the gap. It’s sad to hear about the mental health professionals burnout but I’m glad people are caring for themselves not taking on too many patients, taking off extra days ect, i think it sets a good example that it is okay to take a step back and care for yourself. Thanks again Kati and happy Thursday.

[@justv3289]

Government mental health care in the U.S. sucks too. My sister has a “therapist” (aka regular person without training) who basically tells her to think positively and sounds like she gets her info from IG posts.

[@quail2455]

I had the same as well, it was through expensive insurance too and that was my best option. Through the poor people state insurance I have now I’d only be able to see a therapist once a month and I wouldn’t count on it being helpful.

[@FreyaGem]

That answer stood out so much on the later question about nonverbal consent- "If we can't talk about something, then we probably shouldn't be doing it." Thank you for your thoughtful response to that question, Kati. I'm afraid to date again because my last ex was one of those "dickwads" (plus sexual trauma before that), and this question in particular really helped give me some ideas for how to approach intimacy with new people in a way that feels safer, slower, and fully consensual for BOTH parties involved.

[@nikkimckay860]

Very good list of mental health questions and intresting always hearing about other people s mental health issues and learning about them everyone who gets there question answered by Kati know that she is amazing and careing very helpful and supportive and gives the best answers and advice 😊

[@cindyc]

Thank you, Katie. Have a wonderful weekend. 🤗❤🙏

[@sarahmartin7987]

Re medical trauma - I'd really appreciate a video of how to deal with it and move on, while you're still having to interact with medical professionals (and often being retraumatised) and how to prevent (as much as possible) being retraumatised. I have so much anger and fear towards medical professionals now and cannot trust them. Part of the problem is that I keep having negative experiences (and have chronic issues so have to interact) so it is just adding to the problem. Almost all negative experiences have been with male doctors but it's the UK so you don't get to choose who you see. I just don't know how I ever move on from this.

[@treatshow900]

Gosh, thank you ❤

[@rosalindarevell9868]

I'm having intimacy problems but my wife is a sweetheart. This is her account, I was sexually abused by my uncle he was a boy scout leader in vermont I'm now in litigation with boy scouts. I've been hospitalized several times for this and have been diagnosed schizoaffective for about 35 years

[@ellerose1268]

Aside from the deer in Russia, everyone (I think) has seen a cat panic over the mere sight of a cucumber. Housecats with no connection for generations to any snake are still terrified. That was my first "a-ha" about possible genetic memory.

[@LessThanThree76]

When you mentioned ”the parents did the best they could” it’s the way I try seeing my childhood. My therapist though, says that ”HECK NO, they should have done so much more for you and been there for you”. So now I’m confused.

[@searipple91]

Idealistic expectation vs reality aside. I agree that before taking up the role of parenting you should have a somewhat level of maturity. You can't just go along with the flow, with the attitude of expending just enough effort and hoping that things will sort themselves out somehow. I for one would hesitate bringing another human being in this already s***y world if I myself am not in a enough healthy mental space. Desiring to have children just for the heck of it without first podering what resposibility that entails it's just selfish imo. Those unfortunate enough to have miserable childhoods once turned adults, will have to spend energy money and time to sort through neglect, trauma etc to be able to function properly. I think it's not fair virtually dumping your unresolved bagage on someone else, its yours to own up and you'll have to raise the standards bar for the family wellbeing, period. It's understandable to have hiccups, a bad day along the way but that should not be default mode.

[@LessThanThree76]

@@searipple91 My mom thought having a kid might cure her desire to be with women. Surprise - it didn’t. So she left when I was 1.5 years old. My dad then remarried and he took his new wife’s side in not liking me and emotionally and psychologically neglecting me until I moved out at 18. Happy times.

[@searipple91]

@@LessThanThree76 I can relate with you about the less than bright childhood experience, which for me is mostly a tornado blur of memories due to the frequent dissociation. My dad tried his best to truck along and keep a somewhat semblance of family together, but it is/was mostly an empty husk of what it could have been. My mother is a living nightmare. Thus, I grew up a paretified child and I managed to align and process things into perspective the last couple of years. I don't blame my parents for their shortcomings. I am well aware that they are just like any other human, they come with flaws. BUT that doesn't negate the fact their best was not best suited to my needs as a child. I understand, but I don't deny that they could have done a better job. At least you're not alone in this wonderful journey called ✨️life✨️. Here's hoping that going on we'll be doing more of thriving and less of surviving.

[@outsideaglass]

This was really helpful, thank you so much for your videos and answers.

[@ellerose1268]

On the subject of D.ID. and integration: more people are seeing integration as the break down of barriers between alters so there is open communication and no amnesia between alters. Fusion is the term becoming popular for when one or more alters come together. Also those with D.I.D. will always retain the ability to "split" or create new alters due to traumatic or stressful events so even if they did fully coalesce their consciousness into one singular identity, who know what will happen in the future?

[@NatureHeadSupreme]

Very heavy stuff here. God bless you ma'am.

[@maddie_142]

Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice Kati ❤

[@shaniquejoe5108]

Really wanna watch this but the topic alone is a trigger for me. But please let me know if it's a good video. Personally I still struggle with this but communication is key the second I start feeling uncomfortable or having flash backs I explain and get the hell outta dodge

[@nikkimckay860]

Kati after listening and watching you talk about question 6 I was on a waiting list from the NHS for weeks just waiting to have a assessment diagnosis for therapy I finally got my call and I have a assessment diagnosis appointment in September but even after my assessment diagnosis I was told I'll be doing CBT therapy but don't know ill be seeing a psychologist or a therapist before covid I was meant to be getting help and support from the assessee and assessment team mental health services things are different In the UK

[@elizabethbed649]

Don’t know why, but feeling bit anxious to watch this episode 🫣

[@nikkimckay860]

Elizabeth bed. Hello I see you said that watching this AKA podcast episode made you a bit anxious I like to share that Kati s AKA podcast sometimes makes me feel anxious too💟

[@djenne514]

Same, listen to it with some breaks. For me it hit quite close too home.

[@Audreyreagan.s]

Yes I have an incredible fear of intimacy

[@madisonberto6430]

Hi Kari, I don’t know if this has been ask or not, can’t remember, but I had anorexia when I was younger, about 8 years ago. I’m 21 now, but can anorexia cause gastroparesis?

[@quail2455]

It def can and it sounds like it’s v common actually. I didn’t know what that was till just now but I think I had that! I was hella bloated all the time and had stomach pain and a difficult time eating enough for years after I started eating again.

[@mikedenver5341]

I don't have a fear of intimacy, it just so happens that women take no interest in me

[@meierlinksd4996]

Okay, on the third question, I think your initial comparison or analogy is wrong in an "apples and oranges" kind of way. For a broken down car, particularly if the insurance company rules it as a "total", then that means there is not much a repair shop can do. It would cost more than just buying a new car, even a previously owned car altogether. However, if we are going down that route with human beings, then yes, it is possible to look at someone and say that some of their decisions in life, such as finances, have put them past the point of repair. It is a point of looking past the problems and looking at accountability. Worse, there are some patients that we can see as a lost cause. That is, there just simply is not enough psychological medications and various types of therapy that could ever change a person enough to be deemed "healthy" or "productive" anymore. It is sad, but realistically true. Sometimes you just have to give up on vain hope and saccharine induced positivity and look at the reality of the situation.

[@scenepunk09]

I think that since nobody knows the future nobody can be considered a "lost cause" until they give up and believe that they are. It can be highly unlikely but there could even be breakthroughs in mental health in the future for all we know. But thats just my opinion.

[@ethanpoole3443]

By fixating on “healthy” and “productive” as the only goal of therapy I would argue your are focusing in the wrong goal. Even in individuals where the likelihood of achieving the absolute best outcome is unlikely one could still focus on working to make them “healthier” and “more productive” than when they started and that such is still a valid and worthwhile therapy goal. So, unless the patient is forever regressing and going backwards on that evaluation then they are not truly a lost cause. But it can take a long time and a great deal of work to turn some around, especially those of us whom have lived with severe past abuse and trauma for many decades without any effective outside help. When I was in my late teens to early 20s (some 30 years ago) I started seeing a psychiatrist while I was in university because I was struggling a great deal with depression and anxiety due to failing physical health and a childhood with considerable trauma, though I was unaware of the latter at the time. There was also an incident with a certain serial killer targeting university students in my university town around that time that may also have added a bit of unneeded stress and trauma as well as my city resembled a dystopian police state, complete with multiple helicopters airborne at all hours throughout the night, for awhile. All that psychiatrist (and his wife and professional practice partner) ever really did was try me on seemingly every known antidepressant known to man at that time (beginning 1990-91) and when all those antidepressants failed to “cure” me he then declared me to have “failed him as a patient” despite my doing absolutely everything asked of me precisely as instructed while under his care. He never did ask any of the right questions to pick up on a childhood rampant with abuse and neglect, something I was not even personally aware of at the time as it all seemed so very normal from my perspective, so we never once worked on actually addressing the underlying cause of the depression (as well as the medical trauma I was experiencing at the time with the complete collapse of my health, due to the past trauma), nor the anxiety, fear of others, social isolation and withdrawal, etc. But none of that stopped him from declaring me to have failed him as a patient, a designation that so very nearly ended with my ending my life at 21. It would take another 30 years coupled with the reemergence of all those past memories before I would ever receive any actual professional help from a psychologist willing to genuinely work with an adult trauma patient. In those years that I was effectively an abandoned patient, I had little to no trust of anyone associated with the mental health profession and had little real choice but to fend for myself as best I could with Complex PTSD, major depression, dissociation, DID, AvPD and all that goes along with those diagnoses as well as the total collapse of my physical health due to so many years of stress breaking my body and leaving me physically disabled with Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, IBS, myofascial pain syndrome, severe chronic pain, and other unrelated health issues. Only in the last few years have I actually found any help with respect to my mental health through several psychologists whom actually gave a damn about past abuse and made the effort to help me begin addressing my past. My 50 years upon this earth have been quite challenging and lonely years and I have had to spend them almost entirely alone aside from a few intermittent close friends over the years (as an empath I tend to heal others trauma until they no longer need me and move on) as included in that abuse was religious trauma from years of exposure to Evangelical Fundamentalism and their unholy fixations on non-biblical sexual purity that have so damaged both my sexuality and capacity to express physical affection (touch) that I have never experienced sexual attraction (due to sexual repression since puberty) and have never been on a romantic date in my entire life as I have always been perceived as the perfect best friend to women but never anyone they would date since I come across as entirely asexual (I’m not, but the religious trauma makes any expression of sexuality or physical affection/touch all but impossible due to the terror tactics the Church employs with respect to sex and sexual thought). As it turns out, in the absence of any expressed sexuality absolutely nobody will ever date a person - they will be very close friends, but they will never experience any attraction themselves! Everyone likes to insist otherwise, but it has been my observation that lust is truly the only reason any two people EVER start dating, without lust they may well be close friends but they will never be anything more - romantic love only plays a role long after lust has already played its opening part. Imagine how much different the past 30 years might have been had I been properly helped when I originally sought help rather than trying to do so at age 50 after this trauma has become so fixed and generalized after so many decades unaddressed? Might I have had the opportunity to have a proper career, fall in love and marry, and most of all started a family of my own as my greatest wish in life was to have children and be a good father - all things that I have had to give up on due to untreated trauma (the children part will absolutely NEVER be a possibility at this point in life and age)?! All because a therapist chose to write off a patient after a minimal effort 30 years ago!

[@sammerham]

For medical trauma as it relates to past trauma - I had a horribly painful and horribly triggering iud insertion experience. Literally cried the whole time and it took an hour for the procedure and had a panic attack the whole time and laughing gas made it worse emotionally. Now I’ve been in pain everyday for four months and want to get it out but I’m terrified to go back and feel like I’m gonna end up in the psych ward if I go back to get it out. They won’t sedate you in Ontario. The only thing they will offer is laughing gas. So yea idk what to do. (I plan to bring this up to my new therapist on Monday)

[@AMNIyes]

Wow I'm sorry. I got general anesthesia for my IUD insertion.

[@nikkimckay860]

AKA&OTDM.podcasts Kati your podcast means so much too me every week on a Thursday I have been struggling with my depression more than usual for the last few weeks and my mood has been bad my emotions have been sadness/anger/ thoughts of feeling hopeless and unimportant cross my mind everyday I know my comment isn't realated to the question s your AKA is a comfort too me ❤️❤️

[@nikkimckay860]

Hello everyone here in the comments how are you doing how was your day or evening or afternoon as I know people here are from different countries how are you coping with your mental health? I'd like you all to know I always offer support and advice and care to anyone who needs it we all suffer from mental health ❤️❤️

[@quail2455]

I think we should do away with the idea of talking about what we want or don’t want during sexual intimacy being a “mood killer” it can be a little awkward at first but if checking in the whole way through just becomes a part of the process it’s actually v hot and enables us to feel safe and be able to open up more fully. Nonverbal consent is valid, AND it shouldn’t be the only way, and especially the first way we communicate. We make our relationships work for us, we don’t have to settle for subtly just cause vague is the norm. Normal has been v bad!

[@Durermac]

What is your advice for someone who fears physical Intimacy and has deviant sexual fetishes?

[@handeliescheepers6386]

Good day Kati What id I was sexualy abused as n child and lost all boundries or selfrespect as a teenager and had premarital sex with my mow husband. He also tried to rape me when we broke up before marraige... Now i dont find it easy to relax and just trust him. Been maried 30 years but sex is a big white elephant in the room

[@sheiladarbey7380]

Why are you advising survivors to manage intimacy when the body says No! Why would your partner coach, coerce, pressure or need sexual intimacy when the survivor is still hurting? Please advise your listeners that sexual abuse trauma can't be healed by 'more' sexual intimacy! Survivors need ALOT of spac and time to heal without the selfish demands of a partner 😢

[@richardm654]

As a married survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I agree with all of what you say. I also have to consider the needs of my partner since we are in a relationship and we are not healing on our own. I know from my own experience that if I neglect my wife's needs as I am working through my own traumas, it only adds to my problems. It's definitely a tough balance. Hope this adds some perspective. Wish you the best.

[@jaydenalexandriah]

I so deeply wish I could just sit down and talk with you for hours, literally everything you say resonates with me. you’re reaching people 🫶🏼

[@MarkKent-o2t]

have you done any thing ,disability.sex//sexuality.mark

[@MarkKent-o2t]

have you done any thing ,disability.sex//sexuality.mark