How Insecure Attachment Affect Your Relationships

Attachment refers to the bond you form with people in close relationships such as your parents, children, close friends or romantic partners. In this video, I focus on the 3 attachment styles developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth.
Secure
Insecure-Anxious
Insecure-Avoidant
The two insecure styles can be summed up as: anxiety about being abandoned or avoiding intimacy and closeness.
Here are four things you can do to improve your attachments.
1. Recognize your attachment style by examining your significant relationships.
2. Practice self-compassion.
3. Journal or reflect on your secure relationships
4. See a therapist for professional help with making this transition from insecure to secure.
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References
Rowe, A. C., Gold, E. R., & Carnelley, K. B. (2020). The Effectiveness of Attachment Security Priming in Improving Positive Affect and Reducing Negative Affect: A Systematic Review. International journal of environmental research and public health, 17(3), 968.
Mackintosh, K., Power, K., Schwannauer, M. et al. The Relationships Between Self-Compassion, Attachment and Interpersonal Problems in Clinical Patients with Mixed Anxiety and Depression and Emotional Distress. Mindfulness 9, 961-971 (2018).
Want to know more about mental health and self-improvement? On this channel I discuss topics such as bipolar disorder, major depression, anxiety disorders, attention deficit disorder (ADHD), relationships and personal development/self-improvement. I upload weekly. If you don’t want to miss a video, click here to subscribe. goo.gl/DFfT33
Disclaimer: All of the information on this channel is for educational purposes and not intended to be specific/personal medical advice from me to you. Watching the videos or getting answers to comments/question, does not establish a doctor-patient relationship. If you have your own doctor, perhaps these videos can help prepare you for your discussion with your doctor.

[@calistusjay60]

I used get attached dangerously quickly and would give my all to someone. But after a few times of them not being the same, I feel like I have completely lost the ability to be attached.

[@flyleelee5351]

Same

[@ashantiabadbish4981]

Me too

[@sven4627]

Same

[@babyslothawful5818]

Same

[@justCommando]

I know what you mean, I feel like I can't give my all to anyone except if I could split myself into 2, me and me would be best friends.

[@theadvocate3006]

"All relationships fail until they don't"-Dr. Tracy Marks 👏👏👏

[@AvitalShtap]

I loved this quote too! It reminds me of how walking is falling. I found a good quote about it: "Our very walking is an incessant falling; a falling and a catching of ourselves before we come actually to the pavement" -Thomas Carlyle, 1843, in a letter of advice to a young reader

[@ibanez856]

The turquoise jewellery really suits you

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Thank you B. I love necklaces. 😊

[@fatimahabunaji5530]

What if the only secure relationship I ever had was with myself? I always get me out of darkest places, heal myself and tell myself "everything will be OK" Thank you Dr. Tracey

[@adell7577]

The Lord is my helper. Jesus gets us out of dark places all good things come from above 💓

[@pammym1825]

Similar to insecure avoidant...a good counselor to help with learning how to communicate your needs rather closing up and retreating...just a thought 🌻🙏

[@rhianimal19]

Same, I always had to help everyone else. Maybe that's why I H8 being around people now.

[@rhianimal19]

@@adell7577 Superstition is a plague on humanity

[@rhianimal19]

@@pammym1825 What if you have no needs?

[@mnmlst1]

My mother is insecure anxious, my father is avodant. Great combination of dysfunctional family, because they both are toxic and control freaks.

[@snsnj7180]

😆

[@pinacolada1393]

Ouuuf 🙁 hope things get better.

[@Peanuts76]

same, my mother are anxious avoidant, but idk about my father.... im growing up absorbing her negative believe around people....

[@trinap.8904]

My father was anxious and alcoholic and my mothet was avoidant. Years of therapy fot me.

[@trinap.8904]

@@Peanuts76 wth are you talking abt?

[@starboiklem8381]

Im definitely avoidant style, most of the time i want to be alone and I don't think or care about my significant other not because I don't love them but because im an introvert so i usually like being alone and independent.

[@destiny9734]

My partner is like this, he smokes weed too which makes it even worse, sometimes I think he should just marry his spliff and he’d have a happy life.

[@starboiklem8381]

@@destiny9734 lmao 😂

[@ChrisLT]

Maybe check in with your partner to see if they're ok with that. I used to date an avoidant (as an anxious person) and being ignored would drive me crazy. It felt like I wasn't loved, and over time the distance became too much and our relationship ended. The fixes would've been relatively simple but we never talked about it. I'm an introvert, too, but romantic attachment is a separate beast.

[@zLiina]

@@starboiklem8381 but, why date then?

[@rachelsmename6]

That's interesting. I was thinking about this because I'm an introvert too.

[@aaliyahm.3176]

The algorithm finally got it right! I really needed to hear this today. I just started dating a really good guy and my anxiety about being rejected or abandoned was already starting to creep up. This video really put things in perspective. Thank you

[@patricethomas4947]

I'm in the same boat. I feel so bad that I put my insecurities on him. I hope I didn't lose him

[@aaliyahm.3176]

@@patricethomas4947 I totally understand what you mean. Just know that you are enough and that he likes you for you :)

[@emilyabernethy2422]

You are not alone. I am fighting with the same thing. Such a good man that I feel I am hurting unintentionally

[@2009Holleywood]

I just found out about attachment styles. I have anxious insecure style in romantic relationships. I literally thought I had a mental health disorder because I was obsessed with men who had rejected me. Now I know to have more compassion for myself. ❤️

[@Charlett2013]

“Anxiety” is a mental health disorder. Admitting is the first step. Recognizing your behavior wasn’t healthy and Self-Compassion is key. Secure attachment is the goal. Blessings unto you. 🙏🏽

[@JordanP.]

I always feel like everyone doesn't like me and that they're just gonna leave me so sometimes I leave in advance. I end up having one favorite person and it feels like they're everything to me. It's not even romantically but it feels like there's no point in living without them around. That scares me though because what if something happens to them.

[@CheeseBurgerSugar]

I know how you feel, I wish there were something I could say to make it better but just know you’re not alone. I’ve been through that too.

[@savannahloring6898]

Hey Good morning, you’re not alone. I do that exactly thing.

[@vivvy_0]

wow you guys have someone to care about, envy

[@lunaromance2243]

So you're the insecure anxious type

[@communistcat3226]

Happens to me too though I'm not my favorite person's favorite person and knowing that hurts. So I just leave or push them away

[@jamies.8045]

I love your videos because you address possible “root cause” issues such parenting style and childhood trauma but tend to focus more on solutions. Thank you.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Thank you Jamie. That's actually kind of a big deal to me. It takes more work to think through solutions but it feels incomplete to present a negative idea with no information on what to do about it.

[@rhianimal19]

I don't have a root cause. I had a very supportive parent. But I've never been good at being close to people. I push them away if they get too clingy. I H8 codependency

[@3dglobal]

⚠️⚠️⚠️You always mention problems....but you don't mention radical solutions to them.... It's as if I'm listening to a crazy person who believes in metaphysics and alternative medicine..... Madam.... Depression and mental illness do not need spiritual advice from you... but you need effective treatments.... Psychiatry has become the most failed branch of medicine because of you and your fellow crazy psychiatrists..... who criminalized magic mushrooms and ecstasy pills without The slightest study... and innocent psychiatric patients die without guilt.... Fuck you and your fellow ignorant psychiatrists.⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️ Mental illness is only felt by those who suffer from it....and you dance on our sorrows as well as your fellow psychiatrists with these crazy words

[@swarnikasingh3983]

It is one of the reasons why I subscribed to her. There is so much diagnosis going around the net for so many issues but very few actually are interested in giving genuine and realistic solutions for that.

[@guccirobinson92]

I love how well spoken she is. Very clear to understand.

[@lanaj.3877]

she reads everything she says off of a paper behind the camera

[@Pugetwitch]

@@lanaj.3877 Either way, her cadence and tone is a pleasure to listen to. I am autistic and I have sensory processing issues, among the misophonia. For the most part I don't like the sound of many female voices (some men I can't stand to listen to either, but for some reason I can generally tolerate those voices better. I am almost 99% sure it has to do with the level of Base, but I'm awesome I have to do with universe by a narcissistic mother who constantly would call me shrill and whiny (ironically, I now have a very deep voice for a woman!). There is something deep inside of me that believes a lot of women use a performative speaking voice because they come off so pitchy. Sounds contrived to me! But I really have taken a liking to this Doctor's voice. I could listen to her lecture all day!

[@eboneelyonsdnp]

@@PugetwitchThought I was the only one who noticed! Her tone is very well paced and soothing

[@user-kx7oi9co6w]

I'm almost certainly autistic and have the same issue with many female voices - especially newsreaders and journalists who come across as shrill and attention-seeking.

[@scizard1079]

“Your fear of rejection can lead you to end relationships” I felt that lol

[@Adriana-fb5cb]

Your profile picture is weird and gross.

[@lildebbie997]

I wish you were my next door neighbor. I imagine sitting on my front porch with you sitting next to me, rocking in the rocking chairs, drinking mint juleps and discussing these dynamic, mind blowing topics you choose to discuss.

[@kiyahb5106]

Clingy.

[@cazadoo339]

Insecure anxious right here, separation anxiety since I was a toddler

[@olivia8979]

I am anxious/avoidant, but I don't know if I fit into any of the categories you describe. I feel I am understanding and forgiving of myself. I might occasionally kick myself for something I said, but I don't hate myself for saying it. It doesn't consume me or make me inhibited about talking. I feel like I am way to sensitive to vibes I think the other person is giving off. The slightest hint that someone doesn't "like" me makes me back off. It isn't that I don't feel I need them. I am just very sensitive to the "vibes." At the same time, I am fully aware that I am likely misunderstanding vibes much of the time. It is perplexing to me why I can't change this. I am close to very few people. I am ok with it in a sense because I am very independent and happy enough on my own. But I know I am missing a lot and don't really know how to change.

[@QuietlyCurious]

You sound similar to me. I think we're simply products of our time too. People have a very low tolerance for social risk these days. Before, you had no choice but to reach out to people and establish relationships quickly as a matter of survival. This meant a society where social graces were better practiced and folks suffered less awkward vibes. I'm older and long out of school so I push myself to try and make friends when meeting new people. If there's a hint of a connection forming, I give my number or have lunch with them. It pretty much never becomes anything long-term, but that's ok. The point for me, is to build my tolerance for awkward vibes and rejection because one day, who knows, a friend will come along. The adventure along the way is nice too. You have good stories to tell 🤷

[@olivia8979]

@@debmadden4157 Thank you Deb, I will search for that video!

[@olivia8979]

@@QuietlyCurious We may be close in age ... not sure. I am also out of school many many years. I was always more or less like I am now. I like the way you say you build a tolerance for awkward vibes because that is a good way of thinking of it. I have always struggled with that. I used to put myself out there a lot more than I do now ... of course, i also used to drink a lot to help me with that. I dont drink anymore so I have to find better ways of coping with those awkward vibes.

[@olivia8979]

@@debmadden4157 Ohhhh, I just Googled Highly Sensitive Person. Yup! That is me! I am glad to find out it is a "thing." Not just me!

[@Jadedgems]

You might be projecting your fears onto other people. That comes from having a lack of energetic boundaries between yourself and others. It’s hard to tell where your opinions of them start and their opinions of you begin

[@CheeseBurgerSugar]

My mother left me and my father when I was a little over a year old...I knew I’ve had abandonment issues and my insecurity in relationships has been devastating. I’m taking a lot of time for myself to try and reparent my inner child. Hopefully I can be a good mother to the inner child.

[@d.w.3325]

Your mother is responsible for her choices in her life. You choose to be responsible for your life, be kind to yourself.

[@CheeseBurgerSugar]

@@d.w.3325 It took my a long time to come to that point

[@_BioKnowledge_]

@@d.w.3325 that's the secret about this, be pacient and kind with oneself...

[@ownSystem]

@@CheeseBurgerSugar Never too late to be the parent that was never there and become a better adult.

[@CheeseBurgerSugar]

@@ownSystem 34 is still not too late right? 😕

[@lona9461]

I'm a very emotional person so when I am going through alot of pressure or guilt, I would either cry for long periods of time and go to sleep. I would write down and then go to sleep or do anything to avoid my feelings instead of actually dealing with it. I noticed that this habit has affected my relationships aswell

[@NS-xt5wv]

I am only realizing now, in my 30s how much my mother damaged my underdeveloped psyche. Since I was born she was neglecting me and I remember when I would get back home as a little girl and no one was home, I would walk from one corner to another, literally howling because I believed that the day my mother abandoned me for good had come. I desperately need re-assurance in relationships because I am an anxious attachment style, but all I get is avoidant type. I used to be in a stable relationship with a secure type, and despite us having lifestyle issues (he was a pothead and didn’t have any ambition/didn’t work), I NEVER felt stressed in this relationship, I just knew he was faithful and was there for me, so I know it’s possible to find someone who meets your needs and won’t bring you any stress.

[@_helmi]

I feel really sad when you said you were howling corner to corner as a little girl 😢

[@lucymisti]

That’s not great though, it means we settle from what we might really want just to feel secure

[@NS-xt5wv]

@@lucymisti that’s why we broke up, now I have to find a full package

[@NS-xt5wv]

@@_helmi thank you for your sympathy 🌸

[@jm543]

Yup. It is anxious-avoidant trap that you fall in. I read about it in the books. Somewhere they even make a division between dismissive avoidant and fearfull avoidant. The main difference is because fearful avoidants still wants intimacy but they fear being hurt. I was dismissive and fearful during different times in my life. I am only secure in friendships. For me breaking point in relationship is after having sex. I feel very vulnerable after that. One of my exes was anxious one and he was jelaous and was accusing me of cheating. That wasn't true but he believed that so I broke up in the end with him. After him I dated dismissive avoidant while I was fearful avoidant at the time. That damaged my selfesteem greatly. I never stumbled upon secure man in my life to be frank. Most of my life I was single. I struggled with depression for 6 years and in that period of time I wasn't interested in dating. I struggled with myself mostly and panic attacks. After reading many books on various subjects I finally found out what was wrong with me..My attachment style of course. 🙄

[@IceGoddessRukia]

I'm so avoidant I've never had a romantic relationship... The older I get the more of a freak I feel like haha.

[@juanitaskoky4947]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤘

[@biancardi1518]

Just to tell you that you're not the only one. This is also me. It is still me now.

[@armybebe6622]

I’m in my 20’s and never had a romantic relationship and I get that feeling of feeling like a freak…but honestly just take it at your own pace and don’t feel pressured by what society or other people tell you what your relationships “should” be like.😁

[@JaimeBlackBird]

Think of all the time you didn’t waste on someone else! I’m jealous 💜

[@sasb3675]

I only started dating at 28 for the same reason, now at 29 and 1.5 years of dating experience under my belt I have learnt so much about myself, what I want, what I like, don’t like, my attachment patterns etc, haven’t managed to get into a formal relationship as I had self sabotaging issues but I am hopeful, trying is a lot better than sitting back and doing nothing at all I promise! I discovered I have more of a disorganised/fearful avoidant style which I’m actively working in in therapy

[@angelicaocon1461]

I belong to the insecure avoidant attachment. At the same time, I wanted to try being in a relationship again and apply all my learnings in psychology 😊. I have a therapist so I'm quite confident.

[@ChrisLT]

Been learning a lot about attachment theory this year. Glad to see more and more people talk about.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Interesting. I just happened to talk about this topic. I didn't know it was a trend.

[@tbk6494]

@@DrTraceyMarks psych2go made an animation about this topic. Your's was more in depth. Especially on the overlap of personality disorders (which was new to me).

[@ChrisLT]

@@DrTraceyMarks I've been seeing it with various KZbin videos and several articles. Of course, that just may be the Google algorithm showing it to me after I picked up the book "Attached."

[@tabouchharkouch8244]

@@DrTraceyMarks "the school of life" videos also do a great job explaining it.

[@Benni777]

Yeah, it’s a HUGE topic in sociology and psychology. ☺️

[@ro0121]

It feels like a big step forward to know that there’s an actual NAME for what I’ve been feeling and going through. I could never figure out how to help myself because I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling. I just knew this feeling sucked. Thank you!

[@LunaGray13]

I have anxiety about being abandoned, I have great parents but I've been ghosted a lot by friends and people I liked and or dated, you'd think it would make me crave physical affection but I'm autistic and I don't like physical touch except in romantic relationships, I also have a hard time knowing when, how and how much physical touch to use. I find it very stressful and confusing so I typically let other people use physical touch when I'm comfortable with them or avoid it altogether. Relationships as an autistic person are difficult.

[@SonyaKhanOfficial]

Fellow autistic here and I felt this in my soul, my parents aren’t the greatest but I struggle with physical touch a lot and not knowing how to navigate through the early stages about it is super overwhelming

[@lolaherrera3906]

I have the ability to have both anxious and avoidant attachments to people. I always switch between the two depending on what kind of person my partner is.

[@SonyaKhanOfficial]

Same!!

[@michellement2158]

Wouldnt tht just be secure at that point? Or are you morphing into your partners attachment style?

[@buddylove3640]

My mother was uncaring. A cold fish. Not able to to show affection. I am very insecure. I don't feel good about myself.

[@thelegendkillersshittyduff1335]

Sorry about that man hope things get better

[@GetWellSoonR.E.M.]

It's okay, your mother chose to treat you badly, but you can treat yourself better than she ever did

[@judahriggins8403]

one thing ive noticed about myself is that i have an anxious insecure attachment habit. my fear of losing a s/o would completely overshadow everything to the point where id see everything through the lens of that fear of loss. i've been doing a lot of self reflecting and making progress. this video along with your others have been a huge help. thank you a ton

[@KaitlinJarboe]

I’m a type 1 diabetic suffering from depression, anxiety and an eating disorder. Your videos have helped me a lot but I would love to see one dedicated to discussing the effects of chronic conditions and mental health. Thank you

[@soysaucetina]

attachment theory is so important! glad that it's getting the attn it needs!

[@DrJustininJapan]

This is one of my favorite videos of yours of all time. You clear research-based videos highlight so many fascinating topics. The work you are doing here on KZbin for mental health is important now more than ever with the discussion of Olympic athletes like Simone Biles and Naomi Osaka entering the global spotlight!!

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Thanks a lot Dr. Adam! 😊 I'm glad to see that we are getting to the point where we can talk more openly about mental health issues. These things are new we're just talking about it more now. I'm glad you entered the scene to contribute to the conversation. 👍🏽

[@destiny9734]

This is such a powerful video. I’m thanking God that I watched this because I was about to do something stupid in my relationship 😐

[@AghoraNath]

Hold it, sit with it, hold your emotional experience. Breathe. Your future self will thank you for your impulse control. 😉🙂🤗

[@destiny9734]

@@AghoraNath thank you

[@BantuAzania]

Thank you Dr Marks. I'm on Risperidone and had almost doubled in weight on the medication. I watched your video on Metformin and have since lost almost all the weight. Now I'm comfortable in my skin and happily taking my meds. Some members of my family are also on the meds and manage the weight by stopping the meds every now and again. I've since recommended this to them as well.

[@D_Jilla]

It's awesome to see how much work you put in! So amazing this channel has made such an impact on you

[@KishBish]

that's the main reason I am afraid to take meds now, especially psych meds.. you end up needing to take another med to manage side effects of the first med.. then you'll need a third med to manage side effects of the second, and on and on.. I'm not saying people shouldn't take meds, I'm just saying why I am hesitant now.. I've been on a gazillion pills in my life so I have the experience.. it gets sad and scary.. blessings to all, be well.❤️

[@BantuAzania]

@@KishBish I'm scared for myself.

[@KishBish]

@@BantuAzania I'm sorry.. at least you are taking proactive steps to manage.. congratulations on losing the weight.. I remember I was on a pill where the doctor warned me I could gain 100 pounds within a few months.. I thought he was kidding until I suddenly craved BAGS of mini Twix bars 24/7.. needless to say I dumped that med- and that doctor.. hang in there!💞

[@BantuAzania]

@@KishBish ❤️

[@deborahmillette]

Early trauma can impair character however long term therapy almost equalizes functional and dysfunctional behavior. I go from being extremely confident in myself to feeling totally incapable of performance.

[@dougaduncan]

You're awesome Dr. Marks. Thanks for bringing all of this information to the masses in such a straightforward and professional way. It really helps!

[@vrrrumvrumvrum8195]

Dr. Tracey, thank you for the knowledge you’re sharing. I’m from a country where mental illnesses are not recognized(even though the rates of people with mental illness here is insanely high), so hearing to you speak about mental health with so much knowledge, research and scientific backing is so soothing. I feel so seen and validated in my condition. Also, this dress with this jewelry is a beautiful choice! Suits you very well and I love the puffy sleeves, I wear puffy sleeves myself all the time😄

[@bonniemartinez-jackson]

Thank you so much for this. I love how you had suggestions to process your attachment, in addition to ways to identify your type.

[@samtech79]

Whoa... Avoidant as the day is long. I don't want or need anything from anyone else. If I do, I feel needy and ashamed... For me, unrequited love is perfection. I have no needs to meet, no expectations. I can give love freely with no desire for it to be reciprocal. It is completely selfless. To give love freely and without wanting anything back makes me feel satisfied. But... I am lonely.

[@conniewolf7300]

You're pretty damn good! Usually I won't bother to listen to psycho-babble types because I worked in that area for years and just don't believe anyone has anything else to offer that might help me. You, Dear Doctor, have proven me incorrect! Thank you.

[@violetmurphy5177]

Evidently, when I was quite young my dad was very involved with me...I was the last child and the only one to receive his attention. The attention ended when I was 3 or 4. I definitely have the anxious style. A great therapist and I summed it up as if I was a cute little puppy and at a certain point I became an adult dog. I always craved his attention and finally learned that to get it I had to misbehave. Really messed up my life for quite some time.

[@OneDayChange]

This video is so informative. So easy to understand without going all over the place.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Thanks a lot glad it was informative. 🙂

[@yes_anotherone3260]

Agreed. Straightforward and understandable.

[@secondchancehomestead]

This is the BEST explanation I have heard without the heavy lingo. Thank you, Doctor!

[@Sunshine-yk2eg]

Dr. Marks has such a warm and comforting presence, I wish she had one of those therapist talk shows as well...i feel like it would be really therapeutic just to watch her listen and give advice

[@lordfarquaads_mom3683]

Dr Tracey Marks not only is helping me overcome some TOUGH emotional hurdles, but is also looking so stylish while doing so

[@smeanslandon4317]

I know a man who can help you with your problems. He is a spiritualist. He helped me with my relationships,

[@smeanslandon4317]

Whatpp him

[@lordfarquaads_mom3683]

@@smeanslandon4317 no

[@Curiamacabre]

Dr. Marks needs to be the world’s counselor. Everyone should be required to watch her vids at an early age!! She is brilliant and the best communicator, what a gift to humanity she is!!

[@pam164]

I have always chose men that have been unavailable so i got hurt. If i like a man from day one I'm on Fight and Flight mode i lose weight and can't concentrate and any sign like longer txting me back or not txting i get super anxious! But i never reach out to them i wait for them, but i nearly have breakdown until they do.

[@medulgurlroxx885]

Wow this is so me! I definitely know how you feel you explained exactly what I have been through my whole life.

[@pam164]

@@medulgurlroxx885 Horrible isn't it?

[@rhianimal19]

LMBO, I'm your exact opposite, prolly like one of those people you H8. I H8 clingy people but I attract them like crazy or did. Now I just avoid everyone which was easy during Covid. My therapist is pressuring me to get back out into the world and I'm all, hells nuh, I'd rather be alone.

[@pam164]

@@rhianimal19 You have a therapist? So you are obviously not happy and have problems. I'm not clingy if you read my comment i go through inner turmoil but i never cling to the man I'm with. So really we are alike we both have problems!!!

[@rhianimal19]

@@pam164 Therapy is a condition of my freedom. They think I need it more than I think I need it.

[@andrzejmaranda3699]

Dr. Tracey Marks: this video is VERY IMPORTANT!

[@leilahacholla7934]

Insecure-Anxious, I’m happy to be learning about myself

[@AghoraNath]

It makes more sense to call insecure avoidant "Ambivalent Attachment" thus not to be confused with insecure anxious. Ambivalent is the self reliance PDs, which all of those labels can be described as artifacts of complex PTSD. Helps me learn the difference, to exposit the terms.

[@Dr_Nutrition]

Yes, I can really relate to that

[@D_Jilla]

I don't ambivalent is the right word there because avoidance doesn't have ambivalent motivation like anxious attachment; avoidant is very independent and your feeling of security is not dependent on your partner.

[@milkyshakes]

Thank you so much for this video. I think I finally truly understand the links between my childhood, my parents and My “shizoid/asexual” tendencies that have distanced and hurt people who were just trying to form a connection with me. I love my parents and we have an excellent relationship currently, but like any family, we had our issues. I became very self reliant, with the upmost desire to be the one who can provide confidence, acceptance and stability for myself. Being self-reliant has helped me professionally and personally but everything has to be in moderation.

[@pammym1825]

I was definitely insecure anxious and my early marriage years were a roller coaster. However I married a narc so that was so confusing. We both became followers of Christ and learned about healthy love over time. We were both comitted to grow which was a blessing which not every Christian couple experiences. I now recognize the critical voice and practice self nurture through prayer and positive thoughts and affirming words. Love a gratitude prayer too🙏

[@lunavieira3616]

I’ve been doing a dance with a man for eight years. We both endured abandonment and abuse in our childhood. We are like powerful magnets to each other. We both used to abuse alcohol. I stopped 509 days ago. He still drinks. When it’s good- it’s the best in the world- and when it’s bad- it is soul-crushing. I know that he is sabotaging our relationship due to his insecurity and his fear of abandonment. I will continue to seek therapy and get better- it breaks my heart to have to break things off with him for good- but after 8 years- and him not taking steps to get professional help, I can’t and won’t do this alone. And if I am going to do this alone- then I will be alone. He is making me feel really guilty, and my co-dependent ways scream inside, but I KNOW I have to take care of me. I know there are other people out there that I can have a healthy relationship with. Until then, I will keep learning to love me properly. Thank you for all your videos. They are so helpful and I appreciate you so much.

[@smeanslandon4317]

I know a man who can help you with your problems. He is a spiritualist. He helped me with my relationships,

[@smeanslandon4317]

Whatpp him

[@cocochynel]

Amazing, Amazing, Amazing, Amazing🙌🏿🙌🏿 Can’t say this enough. Restoring the years that the locust have eaten.

[@_ImAngieDenise]

I have an anxious attachment style , and I’ve also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, interesting to see how they connect! Sometimes I feel like I’m growing to have an avoidant attachment style, I get scared people will leave me, so why bother 🙃 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@moniqueabundance]

Based on all my personal shadow work and therapy, there is definitely a link between anxious attachment style and BPD, which I also think I have. This link needs to be heavily researched so people like us can get some help. Hope you are doing OK. Loads of self care and self soothing can help in the mean time x

[@jimcaputo99]

Don't know if you'll see this but Thank you for your practical, relatable style and content, Dr. Marks. Keep doing what you're doing!

[@smeanslandon4317]

I know a man who can help you with your problems. He is a spiritualist. He helped me with my relationships,

[@smeanslandon4317]

Whatpp him

[@QuietlyCurious]

I feel like I jump between anxious and avoidant depending on how I think the other person is behaving. Secure attachment is such a rare feeling that I can't tell for sure if it is, in fact, what I'm thinking. So again, I just chalk it up to the moment (i.e. "He's a good friend to me. It was nice of him to listen to me today"). If I had to pin just one label on myself tho, it would be anxious.

[@Iluvrocket]

I remember my mom telling me that on my first day of preschool I didn’t cry or cling, but just went to play, and I didn’t care that she left. She seemed proud of me for that, but that’s almost a direct example of an avoidant personality, isn’t it?

[@alinaamosova9025]

This channel is a gem

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Thanks so much Alina!😊❤️

[@mokshalani8414]

For anyone further interested in this topic, Adam Lane Smith has AMAZING content on attachment styles Some things that I learned from him: Anxious Attachment is soothed by context & reassurance from their partners; Avoidant Attachment is soothed by fairness & respect for personal space from their partners Insecure Attachment in general can be reflected in one's neurochemistry & bonding hormones, and they can be modulated/balanced out by the behaviors and & attitudes one chooses to adopt With a little practice, you absolutely can adopt a Secure Attachment & turn your life around; it's a skill set, all it takes is practice & self-forgiveness, shame is never an effective motivator

[@literally8647]

Hello, I have trouble asking for help. I rather struggle before I turn to anyone. I was wondering if you can make a video on why some people struggle with asking for help.

[@SonyaKhanOfficial]

Second this

[@TR-eu8yi]

She is so good at this.

[@AndrewDeSimone]

In my last relationship I started out as a secure attachment style. After 2 years with a dismissive/anxious girlfriend I became more anxious than anything. I began accusing her of cheating because she was so unavailable and i wasnt used to that. My needs were not met, she was distant emotionally and physically. Wasn't nurturing or feminine like I want in a woman. After 2 years it fell apart. She was constantly triggered by everything and pulled away. I ended up leaving after she didn't acknowledge our 2 year anniversary. I'm now self reflecting and becoming my secure self again learning to be comfortable alone.

[@KDADDYSGIRL]

I read that book “Attached” with the magnet 🧲 on the front .. A male friend I was talking to at the time noticed my insecure attachment style and wanted to pass along information. I thought that was such a mature and thoughtful thing to do

[@reejay2098]

that's so productive and mature

[@pennyck9468]

Was it a good book?

[@veryberry39]

I read that book too! It was really good!

[@kendallspinas605]

I wish I had found you sooner. Trying to promote your channel to friends and family. I appreciate you thank you sm

[@jadejones5206]

I love how your videos include solutions and resources to help. Thank you! It would be great to see a video on how to find the right psychiatrist for you, how to get the most out of therapy, and what it looks like to work with a mental health specialist.

[@rebeckasvensson838]

I just ordered my own copy of "Fierce self compassion" and let the journey to security begin!

[@ilovemelodyjane]

Does anyone else feel the only hope they have is having Dr. Marks as your doctor? I can't imagine having trust with anyone like I have with her. 😭

[@allisonwilliams3714]

Yup, insecure anxious, that's me. Thank you for this!

[@foxybyproxy]

wow- i very much appreciate your explanation style. i'm looking for a therapist/shrink and you just helped me out bigtime! i can explain right away what i'm wanting to focus on. thanks, dr. marks!

[@grandmastermario3695]

Me and my sister were just talking about how trauma affects the development learning and how it can cause alot of issues problems and even can cause native behaviour later in life

[@yui1564]

Thanks for this video! I display the avoidant attachment tendencies for everyone except family. However, my twin sister (who does not have these avoidant tendencies) complains about my aloofness, which surprises me because I was making an effort. I found this video insightful and helpful.

[@joymckenziewendt4013]

At eight years old, I decided that I would not share my problems with my parents and that I would just figure out everything for myself. I made this decision on the day that I tried to share a fear with my mother and she became angry. So I didn’t feel safe sharing things with her and then I didn’t feel safe sharing things with my dad because I thought he would tell her and then she would get angry with me. This decision in my life caused me to become a very anxious person who tried to figure out everything for myself. And I think it did affect my relationships. I’m not sure if I am an avoidant insecure person and I don’t know. But I’m gonna look over my life and see where I fall in these categories. I do have faith in God. I am a Christian. And God himself actually helped me to be less anxious. Because he guided me to share everything with him. And then I came to a level of inner peace and security where I was able to then openly share with people close to me if I was having a problem. So my faith in God did help me to come out of some of these fears. But for years I wouldn’t share things with my parents and it did affect me going into adulthood in a healthy way. I was a very fearful and anxious person Because I never learned to lean on my parents and trust them in some areas. I did trust them in many areas but I didn’t share things and I kept everything to myself and tried to solve all problems on my own inside my own head and that caused a lot of anxiety for me. I can say one thing, is that I would be very anxious that a boyfriend would break up with me. Always on the first date I’d be afraid they were not going to show up. But I think in my marriage I acted like I didn’t need my husband. I wouldn’t turn to him. So I’m going to listen to this video and study carefully to see where I fall in the attachment insecurities

[@tbk6494]

I'm glad I watched this. I saw your post on insta about this video. I'd like to think I'm very introspective...I take inventory, and try my best to ask myself hard questions. This has been one of them. After watching, I actually feel that I've made some improvements in my close relationships. I've had to ask myself what I really want in a partnership, and what that looks like. I've worked at re-framing the way I approch close relationships; just like in the exersizes you recommended. Dr. Tracey, you're a blessing. I'm so thankful that yo share your knowledge with us. It's sound information that I can explore on my own. Love ya Doc!

[@kwon99]

I appreciate the clarity you provided in this segment as you detailed the differences in the types of insecurity. It allowed me to identify the insecurity type within myself and the one in my partner. Very helpful. Thank you

[@decoyCoyote]

Thank you so much for making these videos. Healing can be so hard sometimes, it helps to have someone be straightforward and gentle talk about these subjects.

[@Ozmni11]

Your videos really impact me. Its like you are here to tell me about me. Thank you!! 💛💛💛💛💛

[@skinnypete3104]

I can’t express how much I appreciate your videos. I share them with friends and family

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Thank you so much Krissy I'm so glad are helpful for you. And thanks for sharing them. ❤️😊

[@OneDanae]

Ran into an avoidant attachment style a few months back for the first time in my 40+ years of life. It's very sad (to me anyway, I'm guessing he doesn't care, or if he does I'll never know). I hope I never run into someone in that condition again, especially if they are not aware/unwilling to face what's going on and actively work at changing those thought patterns. I've been thru some pretty terrible things myself so please believe I understand changing those patterns is NOT easy, but by golly I'm determined to overcome my own crap. I would expect the person I'm seeing to be willing to meet me halfway at minimum!

[@user-mh6lj3ox8b]

its currently really late so im not going to watch this video right now but i just want to say that is a very cute top Dr Marks and you are amazing providing free resources like this!

[@broGabiza]

U was just reading Dr Jasmin Lee Corris book ," the emotionally unavailable mother" and was on the section on attachment styles. Your explanation is simple and very easy to follow. Thank you so much for the video👌

[@Nescnobody]

I appreciate this coming up on my recommendations.

[@russellrobinson5780]

This is good because often they reconize and fix the damage person and not what causes the damaged person as much as they should which Dr. Tracy does well and often like how the stomach is affected by our thinking and thoughts. The saying is more often true you're not crazy the people around you are. Thank you 😊

[@anthonyaguilar3949]

You would be a good professor. You make your videos so interesting and you are good at breaking stuff down and making it seem simple.

[@elizabethsteele4633]

Thank you Dr. Marks . You covered so many topics in a 10 minute video ! Tomorrow I'll watch again . You gave me a lot to think about . You have the gift of presenting complex ideas in a manner that I understand and want to know more about . I'm having a hard time quitting drinking , and of course I realize that it's a lousy form of self medication . I feel that it goes back to way back when ----- attachment .

[@Logan-fo1gs]

My mom was 18 and going to college when she had me. I was raised by "the village". My mom couldn't control her stress and anger and I was the victim of that or neglect. She never played with me and didn't like me playing by her because I was too loud. In 1st grade we wrote mothers day cards and I couldn't write anything nice about mine without help(that i eventually just said yes to any suggestion and theyed write it). I'll never forget that, everybody else had a full page. I was thrown against a washing machine in kindergarten for calling her a bitch. In 3rd grade i was beat with a pillow(complete blindside) while watching TV because the dirty house overwhelmed her and I was just chilling(I knew it was bad because my dad forced her into the bed room yelling at her). My mom also had a grudge against me for reminding her of my Bio-dad, I knew this because she HATED his guts. "My worst fear come true, you're just like RooBerTT" she would hiss (among other things of the sort) when I got in normal teen trouble. Break- I'm 20 and I didn't expect to be ranting all this, I thought all these emotions were gone by now. Back to the story- In my elementary years I remember asking her who my real mom was, because there was no way it was her, since my real mom would love me. I grew up fast and independent because of all of this and it's made me strong, it still hurts though. Nowadays she's mellowed out and I have exceeded her and my dad's competence. We're mostly good these days, I love them and it makes it easier that I'm on top now. I respect them for being my parents at the end of the day, but who they are as people and they're abilities, I see them as inferior. (There was always some love, enough to keep me from completely disowning them)

[@emp4th783]

Your top looks absolutely amazing on you ✨♥️

[@Dmoon1234]

What a treasure you are Dr Marks.

[@lunavieira3616]

I just ordered one of your shirts “Insight is the beginning of change” and I can’t wait to get it and wear it. ✨🙌🏽❤️

[@iromez1812]

"complete psychological independence" sums up my entire life Edit: I have to actively choose to look for help since its not my default.

[@smeanslandon4317]

I know a man who can help you with your problems. He is a spiritualist. He helped me with my relationships,

[@smeanslandon4317]

Whatpp him

[@bluesinsideout]

Hi Dr. Marks just wanted to say thank you so much for posting these videos! 😁 They have been and continue to be a great help for me.

[@brianarbenz7206]

Fine vid! I see several facets of my own experience in what you say here. Those Self-Compassion assessment scale items were really eye opening to me, because as I thought about each one, I realized how much progress I have made on them. That gives me a good feeling. I still have very poor attachment skills, but I'm not standing still on the problem any more.

[@trippshow3541]

Dr Marks: you should run a live channel with real life experiences. I'd be happy to be the first episode. Trust me.

[@29vegan]

I would like to thank you for your videos, they are great, your language pronunciation is perfect. I'm from Brazil, (São Paulo), and I'm loving your channel. Thank you very much and congratulations for your work.👏🏻💐

[@Valeria-sx7uv]

Lol, my safe base to return to have always (since I was about 4 y.o. at least) been me. I was not kind to myself, but at least I was there for me. I have an avoidant type, so it is really hard for me to invite people in my life. I make connections easily, but then I tend to hide and avoid people. Thankfully, everyone important for me knows of this and gently takes it into account ☺ Their kindness has helped me a lot in the past few years to lower my guard and learn how to trust them. Also I am practicing self-compassion 😘

[@Linda2]

Thankyou Dr Tracey. I am going to start a journal about this topic. I think it will help me understand myself. Your knowledge is very much appreciated.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

Wonderful! That's a great idea Linda. 👍🏽

[@jayelsteveson]

I just realized I have an Insecure-Anxious attachment style tonight. . Only a few hours before the year year began. I randomly googled my feelings after spending all day sad/upset that someone I just met two days ago wasn’t texting me back like she was the day before. I often get anxiety over things and it makes me behave impulsively and cause me to need reassurance

[@oliveacres]

Thank you, Dr. Marks! This actually came at a very important time in my life.

[@DrTraceyMarks]

I'm so glad K Olive! All the best to you. 👍🏽

[@selah7702]

After listening to this, I believe I am an anxious attachment style in the relationship in question. And they are an avoidant attachment style. This friend has even voiced that this is something they struggle with so I at least understand why we’re at the place we are and your video has helped me understand that better. But it doesn’t change the fact that I feel as though I give my all and they barely give anything or are extremely sporadic and inconsiderate of responding to messages etc. I am aware of my tendency towards attachment and insecurities, so I have tried to back off and be reasonable about my expectations as I can see this is a pattern that has repeated a few times with very important friends in my life. However, after careful consideration this week I decided to let my feelings out and explain how I felt about this. Ironically, no reply so far after two days..🤔🤔🙃 but at the same time, I felt such a sense of relief of finally sharing my feelings about the imbalance of our friendship and that I want and deserve more in my friendships. I don’t know what will happen, but I know I feel better about myself having expressed my needs. It feels like this is a very important . step in growing through my attachment tendencies. This is someone I know cares about me deeply, but the way it is played out ends up being hurtful. Thanks again this video really helps me understand these relationship dynamics. BTW, I was very kind and loving in my message yet expressed the truth and see the situation I was not belligerent or accusatory I knew that would not help for sure!

[@SantyOrtegaBanegas]

Dr Tracey GOOOOD 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[@Ms.TiaPoteat]

Dr.Tracey just told me about myself all in one video 😩🙅🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️

[@VladaldTrumptin]

I’ve always suspected I had a streak of anti-social in me. This explains it. I don’t rip people off or steal or bash people, I just like to stay arms length most of the time. And have no problem in telling people to jump if they deserve it. You do you, I’ll do me. Guys absolutely love it for the first year and a half…until I actually eventually trust them and start warming up, but not before a lot of pushing away and fighting so it ends at about 3 years. Older and wiser now so I’m nowhere near as bad as I was before but now I’m so burnt out I’ve got nothing left to give & can’t be bothered

[@CoCo-yv3hl]

I’m an abuser of BOTH however I’m also guilty of bringing ppl in that I shouldn’t have ever entertained