How To Calm Down An Angry Person

[@MrCLAASS]

I work as a bouncer at a couple of night clubs. 4:03 "listen to the words that are leaving their mouth" I totally agree with, but letting them vent only works with rational thinking people, that is, I find, about 12% of the population. Distracting them or moving them from their environment, and then engaging with them, showing interest and respect for their views helps me 90% of the time. I may deal with 40 drunk or angry customers a night.

[@emotionalintelligence]

I love this perspective. I grew up in a pub in Ireland and I have so much respect for bartenders and bouncers. I think you are real students of the human person and the signs you pick up. Of course we are also adding alcohol into the mix here which only complicates things. I love the separation approach you advocate.

[@Anudorini-Talah]

Thank you for your well spoken and written dialogues. Keep doing what you love, hope you have a wonderful life.

[@lulee7375]

I have cptsd from living with an angry father , I have no time for people who display volatility aimed at me , even though I stay calm (or freeze with fear) but I'm not interested in people who ha e zero self awareness of how their actions and words can affect others , wake up to your anger and get help angry people !!!

[@emotionalintelligence]

That is a very wise approach.

[@RobinSummers-m4q]

I do too and it goes both ways. I’m triggered and respond with a word I hastily. It would be nice if people could see more times that not it’s not they don’t feel good about it and not who they really are. Maybe try and realize that they need some understanding and forgiveness.

[@hannahpearlmusic]

That’s a good point. You have a trauma response to anger. So have you gotten help with that?

[@PraveenSrJ01]

I’m sorry to hear about your father

[@alcy0ne1]

If they're chronically, habitually angry at you, it's so hard not to personalize it.

[@emotionalintelligence]

Yes you are so correct. When we are dealing with a habitually angry person it takes so much energy just to deal with it.

[@carolinebjerkelund767]

If someone is angry at you all the time, stay away from them, you are the problem as to why they are angry. I can't believe I have to point that out.

[@markmessi9020]

​@@carolinebjerkelund767 How do you do that when it's their family? What if they're broke and can't move out or they're handicapped and have to take that person's garbage personality for the time being? You answered this person rude with your last sentence without knowing any context. Some more sympathy please

[@carolinebjerkelund767]

@@markmessi9020 Oh, the good old rude response. Keep talking about whatisms

[@markmessi9020]

@@carolinebjerkelund767 k

[@ochieng769]

1. Listen 2. Stay calm but don't tell them to calm down (allow them to vent) 3. Don't personalize it 4. Show empathy and validate (an attitude of "I understand how you are feeling'' even if you don't disagree) 5. Move to solutions.

[@osamaqtaitat]

What about body language?! Like facial expressions!? Is it good or bad to look directly at their eyes? Especially a very intense state! And don’t get it. With what don’t you disagree?

[@justasomeone7860]

@@osamaqtaitat He meant "even if you don't agree" - he just misworded it.

[@lornocford6482]

​@@ZFabia2010 it's for reasonably healthy relationships. If it's a dysfunctional relationship, get out of it.

[@ZFabia2010]

@@lornocford6482 can't just get out of it.

[@aaansari2537]

I've never seen a better video on youtube. Eternally grateful. I never understood what to do in these situations

[@emotionalintelligence]

So happy you enjoyed the video and you found it useful!

[@elizabethlindzy3219]

I would like to see you do role play of an actual anger incident and showing us examples of how you use your skills in a real time situation. This would help me more than anything.

[@emotionalintelligence]

Hi Elizabeth, thanks so much for the suggestion. I will try and do this in a future video.

[@nancyblu2640]

Thank you. I learned a lot from this information. It’s harder to remain calm when it’s your partner who is angry but if we look at it as the anger is stemming from frustration about not reaching a goal, it helps to remind us not to take it personally. Most often, no one likes to be in these moments of mutual anger. If one of us can not be triggered, I can see it having a better outcome overall. Grateful for your insights.

[@emotionalintelligence]

Nancy I am so happy you found the video helpful. You raise a great point in that when the angry person is your partner it adds an extra emotional weight. I totally agree with you about learning your unique triggers so you can better manage those moments when anger comes. Take care.

[@ateachableheart2649]

IDK...what if your spouse of 22 years whom you love with all your heart says to you that you hate them???? This during an argument just recently. It hurt me to my core.

[@AlgisKemezys]

Thank you! Amen.

[@emotionalintelligence]

Thank you and happy you found if useful!

[@leeboriack8054]

Some people are emotionally limited and it’s either anger or happy for them. Some people unknowingly dump unresolved emotions on others.

[@emotionalintelligence]

Hello Lee, yes you are so correct. For many they are unaware that they are dumping these unresolved emotions on others. Its this lack of self awareness which prevents them seeing what they are doing.

[@joliejohnson1098]

I'm in situations right now. Everything you are saying I'm saying thank you for this. I'm sharing❤ love it all way around

[@emotionalintelligence]

My pleasure I am thrilled it was so helpful for you!

[@joliejohnson1098]

@emotionalintelligence yes I share it also because we had death our family and the person that help us out alot is angry with daughter because not acknowledge how helpful she was. I understand this. I share it so a more understandable calmness that need to learn. Thank you once again ❤️

[@pavithraeswaran9551]

Thank you for this information. These tips are very helpful. Something more that is challenging - When the anger is a direct attack at you and your loved ones, even if you don't personalize that at the moment, you did hear that and it is going to haunt you later. How do you deal with that? Especially, in the case, where, after the angry person has calmed down, he/she does not want to discuss this further or doesn't want to help you get over the pain. Another challenge - what if the goal they are trying to achieve, which triggered their anger, is not the right goal in your opinion. It could be an unreasonable goal or an unethical goal, so you don't actually want to help them to achieve that goal. In that case, how do you prevent the angry outbursts?

[@Lexi_Con]

It depends on how the anger was displayed & its intensity & frequency. Remember it's more about the angry person & their lack of emotional regulation, lack of coping skills & ability to reason (especially in the heat of the moment). Do they typically have healthy communication skills, such as focusing on the goal/problem vs personal insults? Is there a capacity to see other POV's & consider alternative solutions? IMO, if angry outbursts are frequent & seem directed at you or anyone, whether triggered or for no apparent reason, this person may be having stress overload &/or suffer from anxiety. You cannot reason w/ someone in a state of dysregulation (aka meltdown, anxiety attack, rage). Please remember it's NOT you - even if you're the convenient target.

[@Lexi_Con]

Forgot to add: If a narcissist, this behavior will be commonly be used as a manipulation tactic to maintain control (perhaps unbalanced or unfair authority). It can be subconscious but that's the ultimate selfish goal. A lack of insight & empathy or regard for others is a red flag. Look at Dr Les Carter & his channel Surviving Narcissism or Dr Ramani for more info. Take care ❤

[@4ncrblz]

I really like everything but #5. My experience is if someone got angry, offering advice suggests you don't trust them to figure it out, or that you think you are better than them at figuring it out. Instead, I try not to offer advice unless someone specifies that they want my advice.

[@emotionalintelligence]

Thanks so much for your comment. I really love your insight.

[@cravingattention2771]

This was so useful, thank you! I wish they taught such things at schools.

[@emotionalintelligence]

So happy you found it useful and yes I so agree. It would be great if emotional intelligence was taught at schools.

[@annjoyce579]

My real respect for you, yet intermittent explosive disorder and a lifelong violent repeat offender status of the big guy I live with-- convinces me that no one on earth can " keep" a man calm as this. Corrections officers are well trained yet die or are attacked because some men chose a lifelong pattern of behavior. You're an optimist, positive thinker and will do well on other goals.

[@emotionalintelligence]

Ann thank you for your comment. I agree with you wholeheartedly. What you are dealing with is a disorder and a person who has an inability to regulate anger which as you say can lead to some very violent acts. I hope you have some support for yourself.

[@sitharangan6451]

Thankyou so much it's really very helpful and is indeed the need of the hour...

[@emotionalintelligence]

You are so welcome Sitha. I am happy you fund it helpful.

[@footlongsubzero1128]

Thanks for this. There was an Angry dude at the train station yesterday who was yelling random stuff angrily and punched a bin making a loud sound. I went into defensive mode, just a heightened nervous system in case he gets violent. Once he got on his train, I felt sorry for him and hope someone didn't hurt him and/or him affecting/projecting his anger towards others along the way. The mindset I was in at that time, If he would've approached me in a violent fashion, I'd punch his lights out. I don't like violence. Now thinking back to yesterday, if I approached the situation differently with a calm mindset and gave him a chance to vent, to listen according to these steps here, I think it would've been better for all parties. I'm watching this again and taking notes.

[@emotionalintelligence]

Thanks for sharing that incident. So as humans we are wired to go into defensive mode when we feel threatened and rightly so. We have survived because of this. Therefore its much more difficult to deal with a person showing violence and needs practice. You ability to reflect upon the situation and feel empathy for the person is impressive.

[@ellenoid]

Loved your video. I have an angry coworker who is in his fifties, but extremely emotionally immature. He flew off the handle the other day and told me to put my "f*cking chair away at the end of the day." I told him to ask me nicely and I will. He argued with me. I told him not to talk to me like that and that he needs to be respectful. He said, "I don't give a f*ck. I'll talk to anybody any way I want. I don't give a shit about anybody's feelings." I literally had tears streaming down my face and he had the nerve to be this confrontational. Taking this to HR is not something I want to do unless absolutely necessary. I strongly felt the urge to stick up for myself. I know he was still in irrational thought mode, but I felt I was being reasonable. Telling someone to be respectful is perfectly appropriate. But nasty people don't like being told what to do. Do you think this conversation would have gone better if I'd not stuck up for myself? It's hard to imagine letting anyone stomp all over you.

[@emotionalintelligence]

I am so happy you found this video helpful. I am so sorry you had to experience this. I would say that this behavior should never be accepted in the workplace. You have a right to feel safe and not be attacked. After you reminded them that you deserved respect and he responded like they did then I think you did well to withdraw. I am not sure about the situation with HR and your reluctance to raise this issue but I think it is an issue for HR. Perhaps you are not the only one who is experiencing this behavior and if no one escalates it to HR then they can continue.

[@ellenoid]

@@emotionalintelligence Thank You so much for your reply. We have a tight group in my department and it has always felt very family-like between the three of us. This guy is not actually a bad guy; he's got undiagnosed medical issues. He's usually very sweet with me. If I didn't care about him at all, I wouldn't mind going to HR. But we have a friendship. He's just a little nuts. Going to HR would ruin all the camaraderie, which is what makes the workplace so enjoyable for me. He would probably get fired or walk off the job, and then it would be awkward with the other guy who works with us (who is my favorite person there) since the offender is his brother. I do not want to lose that relationship. HR is a last resort.

[@godog4744]

Great video.

[@lachele7099]

thank you for the video, my concern is when the emotion is also presented with aggressive/threatening behaviors. The person may be gesturing, posturing. What then?

[@emotionalintelligence]

So the most important thing is that when you feel threatened you seek safety by withdrawing from the situation. When another person is in that position they are rarely open to listen and its important you feel safe otherwise its difficult for you to be present.

[@lachele7099]

@@emotionalintelligence that makes sense. Thank you.

[@anthonydavythompsonstevens4297]

Thank you. Much Appreciated Keep up the good work!!!!❤👍

[@emotionalintelligence]

So happy you enjoyed it!!!

[@poojashakya4650]

I think I get the solution for my partner...thank you so much .. wonderfully explained.....

[@emotionalintelligence]

So happy you found the video useful!

[@anthonydavythompsonstevens4297]

Thank you, Very Much Appreciated!❤️👍😀❤️

[@emotionalintelligence]

You are welcome. I am so happy you found it useful!

[@thomasnugent3836]

Very informative and educational. Lieutenant Colonel Thomas Francis Xavier Nugent, US Army Retired Reserve , New Jersey Licensed Clinical Social Worker

[@emotionalintelligence]

Thomas thank you for your feedback. Nice to hear from a fellow Nugent Thank you also for your service.

[@nick109]

Thank you Sir

[@emotionalintelligence]

Glad you found it helpful!

[@mathieuvallerand6772]

This can actually be broken down in 3 steps: regulate-relate-reason (Dr. Bruce Perry)

[@emotionalintelligence]

Yes this is a great summary. Thanks for sharing.

[@Skateforlifelad]

These videos are funny, they explain the understanding behind the method. We all if we think about know these tips by our personal experience of what works and doesn't work

[@nathippo]

Thanks great vid x

[@emotionalintelligence]

You are welcome!

[@Abulina09]

I guess this video is assuming that the person who is angry is not narcisstic and chronically angry, but a secure person who is wiling to reasonably and rationally cooperate in a relationship dynamic instead of taking advantage of someones' kindness?

[@emotionalintelligence]

Yes you are correct. There are those who are not able to control their anger without professional help.

[@alicias312]

Great stuff

[@emotionalintelligence]

Hello Alicia, so happy it was helpful for you!

[@budyza180]

This is actually dangerous advice. It is very simplistic to suggest that anger is only induced when someone is “prevented from reaching their destination”. That is simply justifying, entertaining and condoning anger. It is absolving the angry person of all responsibilty and making culpable the person being angrily abused. If this is what always triggers someone to lose their temper, they really need to self-interrogate. Anger is most often a fallback for someone who is socially, emotionally and intellectually inept, to bully and intimidate others to get their way. This guide will only (possibly) help in a very narrow band of likely experiences of anger between two people who are “equal” on a social, position, status and age level, as examples. Many instances of anger are crass demonstrations of power just because people can. If the angry person is of a higher social, position, status or age level, it makes it impossible for the other to engage them like this. For example parent/child, teacher/pupil, employer/employee, famous/unknown, rich/poor etc etc. Instead of encouraging and teaching people to humor and enable narcissistic behavior, you should A) try and teach them to extricate themselves and get safely away from angry people B) teach people that anger is not acceptable and how to control their anger. Anger is the social weapon of the emotionally unintelligent - end of.

[@waheguruwaheguru9176]

Nicely explained 🙏

[@emotionalintelligence]

You are welcome! I am happy you enjoyed it!

[@MattMobility]

Doesn't the term 'angry people' already defines the person as inherently angry, rather than a temporary emotion that should go away?

[@emotionalintelligence]

Hi Matt, yes I think you point out something very important. Perhaps a better title would have been "How To Calm Down a Person Feeling Anger"

[@MattMobility]

@@emotionalintelligence thank you! Fantastic video, by the way!

[@cindyrobertson3780]

Don't assume things to an angry person but give them positive feedback

[@emotionalintelligence]

Hi Cindy, thanks for listening to the video and I love your strategy suggestion.

[@ivyclark70]

Why do some people seem to default to angry outbursts when things don't go their way?

[@emotionalintelligence]

Hello Ivy, this is a great question. What we often find is that people develop patterns of behavior which is their default. In this case it could be that a person gets triggered emotionally when things do not go their way and anger is their default response. A universal trigger for anger is someone or something getting in the way of a goal which seems to be the case is this situation.

[@sukanyapatra3371]

What if it's my life partner who uses to have this explosive anger almost every day. Does he need therapy?

[@emotionalintelligence]

Not knowing the full situation I would say that if someone is showing that level of anger daily that they do need help in managing it. Therapy or anger management classes could be very helpful in this situation.

[@shirazmoolla3753]

It's not a healthy relationship where your partner is angry everyday. How do you keep him happy.? How does he initiate love ? They take good hearted people for granted

[@user-lilana]

My mom is angry cuz there r ppl who r hurting her, She says she will no longer be silent and will resort to violence if necessary. How do I make her understand that this isn't the solution ?? cuz every time someone tries to tell her, she starts screaming and refusing to listen, and she says that she isn't afraid of anyone, and she doesn't care what ppl will say about her.

[@emotionalintelligence]

Anger is an emotion we have when we feel threatened. From what you are saying your mother feel threat and therefore it is natural she is angry. If this has being going on for a while she may need help from a professional.

[@user-lilana]

@@emotionalintelligence thank you 🤍

[@tiniegaming9404]

I have an angry younger cousin he's a teen right now i feel like his anger is directed at me and i'am scared of losing him what can i do?

[@emotionalintelligence]

Hello Tinie, this is not an easy situation. The best thing I can suggest is keep being present to themand not to return their anger. If you let them know you are always ready to listen it might be rejected initially because of where they are at in their life.

[@tiniegaming9404]

@@emotionalintelligence thank you will they come around eventually?

[@AmericanCalliope]

My son gets angry with other kids on Xbox. He yells all kinds of swears, does a bunch of vindictive things to them and then gets quiet and won't eat for the rest of the day. When I try to help he just tries to send me away and says MYOB. PLS help, He is 10 now but I don't want to raise a bad person.

[@emotionalintelligence]

Hello Gina Marie, thanks for your comment. I can totally understand your concern about your son. Here is an article I think is very helpful with practical strategies. www.verywellfamily.com/ways-to-help-an-angry-child-1094976

[@JustCallMeCeles]

@@muggerston lol

[@misbahailia3345]

2:33 Unfortunately I'm not Muhammad (peace be upon him) or Jesus (peace be upon him). I'm tired of dealing with a "mother" yelling in my face. Now and throughout my whole childhood.

[@emotionalintelligence]

Yes I can only imagine how difficult this has been and your emotions around it.

[@Try_Hard_Dad]

@@emotionalintelligence Bro you mad empathetic for responding to a comment imma subscirbe just for this, tbh thats the kind of interaction i didnt even know I wanted to see but needed.

[@agungjackson4370]

Great video, but i got a question i have a problem with my big brother, he has so much problem in his life.. he doesn't have friends and always breaking things when angry.. like destroying mugs, plate even a bucket. almost every single day i heard him shouting and tantruming. i mean he's already 24 years old. i thought he would change but he's never change. me and him living with our parents. me and my parent feel annoyed by him cause he always angry and destroying things. and when he did that, what do i do? i'm still confused. i try to listen and calm then give solution.. he is calming... but tomorrow he will do that again because something bothered him in his past life. what do i do? i think he is like this because my dad always angry since me and him were a child.. i saw him breaking things... and he doesn't even have friends. so he doesn't know that social life has impact to our emotional control..

[@emotionalintelligence]

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such trouble with your big Brother. It certainly seems that he has difficulty with anger control. And this case it's not so much what you can do but rather having him find some help so that he can learn ways off managing his anger.

[@abrianakiarawilliams2675]

Today I was mad when my mom got a new sponge with soap in it and I pushed her and I almost made her drop her phone. I was just angry and upset and I don’t know why I act like a 2 year old but I need to start acting like an adult. It’s okay to be mad and angry but that doesn’t mean you throw a fit over something you can’t do. I just try to take deep breaths and calm down it sometimes helps but sometimes it doesn’t. I try to listen to music it puts me in a relaxing mood I just feel a lot better. I can’t control my anger issues I just can’t. I sometimes can’t get what I want because it doesn’t work like that. If my mom gets something from the store she didn’t get that. I just need a break and I need time to myself. I probably shouldn’t be acting up and throwing tantrums because there’s no need for that. I’m not a kid I’m an adult I am a kid but I’m still an adult. Look if my dad saw me acting like this he will kill me but my dad isn’t here so he can’t control me. I need to learn that when my parents tell me to do something I should listen to the rules. I shouldn’t be complaining about everything because if I do then there will be problems. It’s just I don’t like helping my mom with groceries. I understand she wants me to help but I don’t like helping. My parents can knock me out if I’m gonna act like a damn fool.

[@Exploratorium360]

I just subscribed

[@emotionalintelligence]

Wonderful! I hope you enjoy my other videos!

[@gnoffmouse8325]

I only need us to call myself down because I have depression and I am literally scratching my arms it is painful but also quite lovely it’s relieving the stressful pain inside my stomach so yes is this what it’s like to have suicidal thoughts I have no idea but the pain currently going through my arms is quite relieving

[@Opa_Joke]

Anger is bad because it's all emotions that can lead to a harmful action. You need to be calm and rational to be able to communicate.

[@nipaparekh1678]

Thanks ! PHow do you not take it personally when they are swearing and insulting you?

[@emotionalintelligence]

Nipa, In this situation there is personal attack and therefore it will not be possible not to personalize it. I would also be careful with boundaries and making sure that you are safe and respected.

[@torreycat7716]

Their bad behavior is not your bad behavior.

[@emotionalintelligence]

@@torreycat7716 So true!

[@torreycat7716]

@@emotionalintelligence Thx. A counselor at my job told me that one sentence and it changed my world at work. I have ADHD but sometimes it’s not just me having a meltdown, it’s another coworker that has me in the grips of their problem. When I would tell someone about the workforce dynamic, they would give a pat answer like, “It’s not your problem.” And I would think, well, it IS my problem because it’s a problem for my work day to have to be part of someone else’s “bad behavior”… a term I hadn’t thought of yet. So, when I told the counselor my workforce dynamic dilemma, he simply said, “Well, their bad behavior is not your bad behavior.” Mind blown 🤯

[@Try_Hard_Dad]

This is actually such an emotionally intelligent video its astonishing. Good looks homie, kept me from smacking this bi&%$. lmao

[@emotionalintelligence]

So happy you found it useful.

[@joliejohnson1098]

❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@user23qwerrtyy]

Right👍

[@emotionalintelligence]

Glad you enjoyed the video

[@theredbaron335]

Well i pushed my friend and he is very angry please advise

[@emotionalintelligence]

Do any of the methods in the video resonate with you.

[@bunchofuploads9977]

My anger comes from my emotion I literally hate it today was the worst day my sibling got me so angry now I feel bad 😔

[@emotionalintelligence]

Thank you so much for your response. I am sorry you had such a bad day. Sometimes it is the people closest to us that can trigger us the most. Some days are like this and just like you say we feel bad. We just have to try and learn from the situation, reflect on it and try to have more thoughtful reactions next time.

[@bunchofuploads9977]

@@emotionalintelligence thank you so much after that I read the Quran

[@mythicalally249]

How can I calm down a person who hates literary everything, and have a better understand of reality

[@emotionalintelligence]

Sounds like the person you are dealing with is very negative. That is very difficult to deal with. I think it is very important for you to create healthy boundaries with this person.

[@mythicalally249]

@@emotionalintelligence thank you, I'll try that

[@matthewmiller4747]

Tell them to calm down. There is no way they'll say, don't tell me to calm down lol.

[@emotionalintelligence]

Hey Matthew, thanks for the comment. I would love to know what you think the response might be. What are you thoughts?

[@matthewmiller4747]

@@emotionalintelligence I was being sarcastic, that's exactly what they'll say.

[@emotionalintelligence]

@@matthewmiller4747 lol I thought it was but just wanted to make sure!

[@joanbrooks619]

Well, my hubby is narcissistic 😮😢

[@mariahconklin4150]

I’m hoping mama Helena talks to him to see what I did wrong but I always feel like I’ve done something wrong. It’s sad to always have to feel this way. This person also has harassed me and told me that I’m a woman so I should be in the laundry room. I mean who says that? All I can think is that maybe he’s a bit jealous because apparently to him I’m doing “a mans job” 🤔🙄

[@emotionalintelligence]

From what you are saying it is clearly not what you have done and indeed he seems to have no respect for woman. I think its therefore best for you to have strong boundaries with him and protect yourself and continue do the great job you are doing.

[@Sky97260]

what if alcohol started the anger

[@Sky97260]

and they are addictive and can't stop

[@emotionalintelligence]

@@Sky97260 This is a great question. One of the problems of alcohol is that is makes emotional regulation more difficult, for example controlling anger episodes. Over time it also impacts brain functioning and impairs mental health.

[@Jenna-ky8dl]

So you just… let someone verbally abuse you?

[@emotionalintelligence]

Verbal abuse can never be tolerated. However I see a difference is trying to deal with an angry person and permitting them to verbally abuse you.

[@johndoe5743]

There is no way to know what the woman is angry about. It is probably something you said or did months or years ago. Just nod and apologise 😅

[@timequake2864]

Unfortunately, it's the price we have to pay in a liberal Western society. These headcases know that there are no consequences for their bad behaviour, so feel free to go around making decent people's lives a misery. It's probably best just to avoid people as much as we can, cos our (especially in cities) society is screwed!! 🤕

[@scorpiorob7986]

ANGER MAY BE JUST AN EMOTION. HOWEVER, ANGER IS A NEGATIVE EMOTION = FACT!

[@emotionalintelligence]

Thanks for your comment. I would offer a different approach. Anger like any emotion conveys information. It can be destructive and indeed anger can easily generate anger in another. However anger can also lead to very constructive action. Many social movements which saw improvements for humanity were fueled by anger at a situation which was unacceptable.