HOW TO COPE WITH AN AVOIDANT PARTNER: 5 VULNERABILITIES

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This video breaks down and explains the 5 main vulnerabilities for those with an Avoidant Attachment Style, and how to cope with your partner if they have Avoidant Attachment.
Next, we explore the steps needed to best heal and cope, alongside your Avoidant partner, also focusing on your vulnerabilities in your Attachment Style.
If you would like a list to access questions to ask yourself and your partner about their childhood to help understand their vulnerabilities, please see the link below:)
Link to PDF "Partner Questions: Attachment Edition
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[@coyotefeather4896]

I have recently discovered that I myself am an avoidant. I want so, so desperately to change. Like literally will do whatever it takes, let go of whatever I need to let go of, push myself in whatever uncomfortable situation I need to...literally whatever it takes. And I really hope I can do it

[@iggyzane]

Don't give up and you will make it 🧡😊 Wishing you the best

[@agnieszkabackup]

All the best for your journey! ❤

[@wessel7919]

I think it's amazing you are able to self reflect like that. Talk to you partner and let them know you are aware of this and you want to learn how to change.

[@Solaris501]

Same. It sucks.

[@stephensegal5187]

You will.😊

[@stormvet3806]

They should come with a label: “Do not try this at home”

[@dancorson5822]

You telling them your needs is “attacking them.”

[@MotivatedPony]

My father and especially my mother, a narcissist and a borderline. Only body needs mattered, emotional needs were attacked constantly. Living without connection, bonds, without emotion, own self. Emptiness. Dissociative Identity Disorder.

[@rosieunderscore]

Yes

[@cheynaespinoza5875]

Wow yes

[@michaelrandall09]

Bruh... they're terrible lmao

[@smokingcrab2290]

Normal person: I desire baseline levels of affection, attention, and communication Avoidant: Omg you actually are requiring me to participate in the relationship?? You're such a needy asshole!! This is literally the holocaust!!

[@thepuffin-ss9ln]

I am 53 yr old guy and was just ghosted after 5 yr relationship with a dismissive avoidant woman. I never understood why she was so cold and non warm of a person. I even expressed this a couple times. Add about the 3 1/2 yr mark the mask got dropped and everything changed. These people are not able to express themselves like an adult. They come off as cold, aloof and obtuse. I didnt know what a DA was until after but after learning about it, she hit every check mark. Sad part is i really loved this person and i was a good dude to her. Not overly needy. She was always talking about what her "needs and wants" but to this day she never clarified what they were. As i started to point stuff out, things got more and more distant. And then POOF! . Gone like a fart in the wind and by TEXT no less. Ive had breakups and dissapointments before but this one reaaaaallly hurt. No wonder her ex husband of 20 yrs cheated on her with multiple women. He was looking for something he wasnt getting at home.

[@patrickburns4821]

Wooow my female friend is the same..her husband is divorcing her despite how many times he cheated..I had a feeling she is crazy..I got confirmation a month ago when the mask came off towards me.

[@snakeeatingkiller]

I can relate to every sentence of yours it's sad. Despite doing the best you can, you are human. You too make mistakes. Sometimes silly mistake but DA face crisis like it means "the end". They just gone like the relationship means nothing to them and continues their search for their "perfect person".

[@jedtulman46]

I had me ex leave me at the 3 & 1/2 year mark. Just totally shut off/ no contact . It was mind bendingly hurtful . She had reconnected me after 20 years apart..somehow I fell for this all over again. .😢😢😢 I err Anxious attachment style .

[@karltan9461]

its amazing you lasted 5 years with her. LOL. Most people dating avoidants say the mask starts falling off around 3 months if you exhibit healthy consistent behaviours. And yes, my fearful avoidant ex's husband cheated on her and when confronted he said he doesn't know why he cheated. He is also emotionally unavailable and, even as that kind of person wasn't having connection needs met at home. Because initially how she showed up was essentially a PERFECT woman. I was thinking who on earth wants to cheat on such a wonderful, hot, loving and sweet person? I got my answer when she slow faded, discarded, asked to be friends and then i found all this out via attachment theory and everything she did and said finally CLICKED. I know how a normal breakup happens, i know when someone doesn't like you enough. This, this is some sheer mind fuckery at the highest level.

[@thepuffin-ss9ln]

​@@karltan9461 i hear you my friend. Its hard stuff.. i honestly think one reason we made it 5 yrs is because of the rona and the shutdowns. I am thankful i had her during that time even tho ultimately i got really hurt. The rona would have been real tough to get thru as a single person

[@stormvet3806]

Their need for space will always come first. It will drive the direction of the whole relationship. Be prepared for your needs to not be met while all the focus is on not being too intrusive. Good luck 🍀

[@Pacifica74]

It just like feeling single while being with someone.

[@maranatha8148]

​@@Pacifica74100%

[@caesarbasti19]

Avoidants and anxious attachment styles both might indirectly violate, be misunderstood and put each other in emotional limbos. We have completely opposite ways to deal with emotions in order to feel good. Avoidants feel like anxious people make everything worse by being too emotional and forcing it onto others while anxious people feel like avoidants to the same by supressing and walking away. Healthy attachments are somewhere in the middle because sometimes you need both. Be humble.

[@dreamstateshealing]

@@caesarbasti19 That is SO BEAUTIFULLY STATED.

[@sashar5646]

Being single is wat better than being with an avoidant - less mindfuck.

[@josepablolunasanchez1283]

The best is to avoid the avoidant. Everyone is happy.

[@gaygoc]

lol thats what i tell myself an avoidant who avoids others to keep them away from my shit

[@Oceansta]

😅 does it work?

[@Matts130]

@@Oceanstayes

[@wizardofaus2985]

Not sure why they even want partners. For love they should get a dog. Then they can lock them in a kennel when they feel overwhelmed. At least they won't then project their trauma on others. Being married to one is the lonliest I've ever felt in my life. I may as well be married to myself. The lack of intimacy is so apparent we have no children. So I literally have no one but myself and the causal factor was I married a DA.

[@bjdis33]

11 years of changing how I communicate. chopped it all down to the only thing left is not talking...Now he is happy!! And guess what??? He attributes this happiness to him changing....He never changed!! ugh.

[@gavinmcfarlane5312]

I have been married to an avoidant for 43 years. I knew she was very “shy” when we met, but very beautiful and very sweet and nice (people pleaser). Intimacy….she would fall asleep every night at 8 pm, including our wedding night..should have gotten an annulment! Years of lack of intimacy except when she wanted kids, we had three, then life was completely about them, went years without sexual intimacy, dove into work and became highly successful, but still nothing. Later, years of therapy, thousands and thousands of $$ worth…determined she is an Adult Child of an Alcoholic…now she is a victim and has no time for anything with us…sabotages everything. I am 65 and finally leaving her as I can’t stand who I have become in all of this mess. Don’t ever stay for the children when you are miserable, as you all suffer!

[@luminouscali]

Sorry to hear that. Your response sounded familiar! I just finished dating an avoidant who went to bed every night at 10pm on the dot. On the dot! He broke up with me and I’m feeling now it is for the best.

[@FeynmanFan]

I'm about ten years behind you, but it's downright eerie how similar our stories are. Very sweet and nice (people pleaser): check. Same with intimacy - check. I gave her six children because that was the only thing that made her happy - of course, I thank God for every one of them, and I have no regrets with that. It's a lonely life.

[@patrickburns4821]

MAANNN...im sorry for all that. I believe God is protecting me from an avoidance lover...she humiliated me recently by playing games and treating me like an accessory. Our friendship may be over

[@smokingcrab2290]

Avoidants are not looking for a relationship. They're looking for someone to always be there when they need just so they can put you on the shelf for later. And if you dare ever want reciprocation, they will gaslight you into actually believing you are "needy"

[@wizardofaus2985]

How do you know they're not cheating on you when they're "busy" getting their space but never telling you where they are or what they're doing?

[@chandellschofield6260]

These people are too hard. Walk and find some one that is not going to destroy you. It’s all about their needs their avoidance not one thought about you have needs. We all have baggage somewhere but we all have a responsibility that it does consume us and destroy people around us. Do we let a person get away with it if they hit you ? No ! This emotional abuse from them is worse and needs be treated so rather than justified.

[@renohk]

How to cope with an avoidant partner. DON'T! Let them cope with them selves. Being exposed to their behavior is very damaging and should only be delt with by professionals. We all deserve a partner that can love and choose us fully, who's genuine and honest. Stay safe everyone. 🤗❤️

[@walkertranger5746]

On point!

[@jenniferlorence1950]

@RENOHK: Great Answer!!! Love Your Healthy SELF-LOVE.

[@schuyler6476]

Would you say this about someone with an anxious attachment style?

[@HikerGirl-ct3nd]

@@schuyler6476i have an anxious attachment personality they are different than avoidant attachment personality l.They actually attract people with avoidance personality and get hurt in the end

[@ivya3242]

Agreed. Even I have a secure attachment style, an avoidant partner still pulled away and broke up with me 😅. I was sad tho, but my task is not to fix him. I accept and move on.

[@DJ_Kruz]

I let my "Avoidant Wife" avoid it all, I walked away so now she can avoid everything !

[@mrsherwood2599]

Ahhh...finally. Some sanity. These comment threads are horrible, codependents looking for MORE work to do, MORE pain to feel. All deeply validated by middle aged white ladies with letters after their names.

[@koreypaul6698]

💀💀💀

[@Traslan]

How mature of you... 🙄

[@josepablolunasanchez1283]

I respect avoidant attitude. If someone wants to avoid, I avoid and move away from that person, so that person does not feel an invasion of personal space.

[@xavierparent3767]

​@@Traslanuntil the wife communicates the desire to change the dynamics of the relationship... Walking away is the best thing he could do. Because that's what she wants.

[@evaollie9208]

Have you noticed that the avoidants can retraumatize people who have had difficult childhoods?

[@sunbeam9222]

That's the point of romantic relationship. It will trigger our every wound, no matter how dormant. And then we will blame the other person for giving us the gift of healing .

[@mdjwbd]

Yes, maybe someone with an anxious attachment style will try longer... Feeling the fear of intimacy... and want to fix that.

[@EugeniaPortobello]

omg on point! 🤦‍♀️

[@Ytdeletesallmycomments]

They make traumas even by healthy people. It is a gift they have 😂

[@sunbeam9222]

@@Ytdeletesallmycomments no one healthy will accept to be treated like they don't exist 😁

[@Kay-po4pl]

0:00 intro 2:37 avoidant attachment styles 5:00 vulnerabilities: shame for needs 6:10 vulnerabilities: feeling intruded 7:10 vulnerabilities: feeling trapped 7:35 vulnerabilities: fear of intimacy 8:03 vulnerabilities: fear of blame 8:42 knowing one another’s vulnerabilities 9:13 avoiding triggers

[@Tadjuel11-11]

Who are you?

[@ruggedlifejewelry]

Even if you began secure...having a DA partner will create an anxious partner as they cannot get their needs met

[@buttse12]

Most definitely experienced this

[@allangower4643]

Yeah very true for me

[@Cakewalkingbaby]

Absolutely agree with your comment. The question is do you confront a DA with their behaviour or not? I’m struggling to know if I should just leave the whole situation and move on or I tell him he is a DA because he ticks all the boxes. I would tell him because I hope he realises then again it could blow up into an argument where he accuses me of triggering him. Some advice would be greatly appreciated.😊

[@walkertranger5746]

And I feel like a dumb ass for giving so much of myself and love and treating her like a QUENN in the hopes she would seee what love is and change. The pain I suffered is my fault. Loving a DA is foolish and I felt so pummeled and drained. A DA should come w a warning label. And basically be friends w benefits since sex is a need for both. Do not ever fall in love with a DA … Don’t let their love bombing fool you .

[@lunasims5849]

For me the opposite happened actually, when I met him I was so anxious all the time but with time I learned to be patient and also learned to control myself and my emotions from spiraling, I know now when he needs his space and I can give it to him and don't take it personal and I know that space is beneficial for myself I became more secure still working on it both of us and both of us always trying to meet in the middle. We both became more secure.

[@jooliagoolia9959]

28 years married and finally realize my partner is an avoidant.... It all makes sense and breaks my heart. The truth is the truth... I've done everything possible to help. It's up to him now. 🌈 💜 🌈

[@NutmegRose]

Did you mention this to him? How did it go? My 25 years of marriage with an avoidant husband but I’m not sure if he’s open to hearing me or it will close him off even more.

[@jooliagoolia9959]

@@NutmegRose It was at a critical time so I think that helped. He had just quit drinking and was open to learning how to be healthier. I'll say maybe find a video with someone explaining the different personality types and ask him which ones he thinks each of you are? I like Instagram short videos about my personality type and send them to my hubby sometimes for him to better understand me 🍀 🤞 As long as they aren't dismissive, keep trying as long as it feels like your also being honored. 🌈 💜 🌈

[@calebhelmuth]

@@jooliagoolia9959 ♥Hope things are turning around for you. Do you have any updates?

[@jennyeccles980]

He won't change because they probably see it's you that has the problem it doesn't even cross their minds that there is something wrong no matter how much you discuss it.

[@Electrowave]

The first two minutes of your video were a real eye opener. I've always thought I had a wonderful childhood and have never been able to understand why I have so many problems, including AvPD. You just exactly described my parents! I can't remember ever being hugged or held by them, even now they are in their 80's, there's never any public display of emotions or physical contact. Thank you for your videos, they are very interesting. Unfortunately I've not been able to find any therapy here in Wales, and can't afford private therapy, so I'm trying to learn to handle things through videos from people like you.

[@kropkowka]

These days you can find online therapy. Check it out please because that’s one amazing benefit of the pandemic.

[@jasondodge2780]

People don’t ever realize the heavy weight that lodges itself onto the back of a fearful avoidant. Lots of people don’t realize it comes from childhood traumas that forced that person to build an impenetrable armor, that they never know is there. I had a stepfather that would lose his shit every time I cried or showed any type of vulnerable state as a child. Took me 39 years and almost losing an 11 year marriage to see that in myself. But if a FA isn’t ready to see those traumas for what they are, you will never be able to do it for them.

[@sashar5646]

I had a f-ckef up childhood too. I understand. Still, i don't want to have any relationships, friendly or romantic, with avoidants because it would damage me more. And I get it when my Complex-PTSD is too much for people too. I lost some frii that way.

[@christinefinn6180]

It’s difficult to be with an avoidant as they tend to magnify the negative and make it bigger than the positives.. it would be really helpful if you Kim were able to offer advice to the partners of these attachment styles especially those of us who are secure but being with an avoidant brings out our anxious side at times..

[@alexblainelayter7703]

I think there is only so much one can do as the partner of an avoidant partner in terms of expectation management. Being triggered into separation anxiety is based on the feeling that something is not right in the relationship based on the feedback one gets from one's partner. Avoidants have deep issues with reciprocity but we rely on positive feedback, consciously and unconsciously, to know that we're in a safe relationship. With an avoidant partner there is a very real possibility that, whenever they feel trapped or too close, they will dismiss and avoid their partner and maybe even the relationship altogether. So with avoidants the fear of being abandoned out of nowhere is ever present which is not conducive to feeling safe. Unless the avoidant partner works on becoming secure this risk won't go away and there is no way that this will not trigger their partner's separation anxiety, unless that person is not attached.

[@Oceansta]

You are absolutely bang on right with this assessment.

[@mrperfect5046]

@Alex Your right on point.

[@Alixir1228]

It brings out your anxious side because your spirit is telling you that relationship isn't right. Listen to it. I listened to mine after 8 months.

[@woman290]

@@Alixir1228 The relationship isn't right for sure. If you are healthy and stable and you need to deal with a disordered person there is a real disbalance. I think it is their responsibility to take care of their issues not ours to deal with this heavy problem as we risk our well-being in the process.

[@sage2181]

I dealt with this for five months. I gave a ton of patience and felt breadcrummed with my own needs most of the time. I was always the one to have the heart to hearts and always online in texts. She made promises at my request she never worked on fulfilling. Simple things like going on cute dates with me that I would take her on and pay for. So many assurances she would step out of her own way. By month five nothing was changing and every week there was another excuse. She told me her aunt died and I told her I'd be there if she needed comfort or anything. No response. Day six my dad goes to the hospital and we think he is about to die. I wanted to talk to her and be comforted by her but she was peaced out. Day seven, I hit block and blocked her from being able to message me. I hated feeding into her abandonment issues but I had to prioritize myself and I realized no healthy or mostly healthy person with intimacy should pursue or be involved with an avoidant. They need to go to therapy and deal with the roadblocks that prevent them from real connection. I couldn't have given more over the months. I always had thoughtful gifts and the focus was always on her. Finally I had enough. I also had to step back and look at why I would accept so little from someone I was so deeply wanting to connect with. It's very painful and sad. If you don't have to be in such a relationship, get out and run. It may hurt at first but it hurts more getting scraps when we deserve so much more.

[@fringbabyross4718]

I was with a fearful avoidant attached women and I just walked away forever. That shit broke my heart and absolutely crushed me. I loved her and would have taken a bullet for her and her daughter. She said no one ever treated her so well yet I’m the guy she kept pushing away. Then I find her on a dating app. Absolutely crushing. Now I’m in trauma therapy. Never again will I get involved with an avoidant

[@sage2181]

@@fringbabyross4718 Yeah. Similar experience. Mine was not out as female with anyone but me and she said no one ever made her feel so feminine before. I bought her gifts and clothing and always focused on her. I loved making her feel good. I felt like she parroted everything I would say. If I said I miss you a lot she would say it back. She kept promising to get out of her own way and while part of me believes she wanted to have mental intimacy in a way that was real, in reality she wanted to keep it online with hook ups. She couldn't handle the intimacy. She would disappear a few days after we were together and then tell me she never had experiences like that before me. I knew she was scared and had abandonment issues. But how many months do MY needs need to be neglected to make someone comfortable ? Five months in there was no real movement to step out of her comfort zone to be there for me and be more present so I had to block her for my own mental health. It's strange to get so much pleasure in someone else's pleasure while they are completely consumed by their own self. you and I are both better off figuring out why we persisted in these relationships and finding people in the future who are present in healthy ways to fully connect. I feel very hurt and sad but know I did the right thing. I wish I had sent a compassionate email beforehand but she was checked out on me for six days and said she was dealing with a funeral. We were supposedly together and a couple and yet she didn't communicate even once with me at this time. When she knew my dad was being hospitalized she never checked in. Although it hurts it's also a relief. Being breadcrummed is so unhealthy especially when you've been so present to for your partner. I wish they didn't have the injuries they do that doesn't allow them to connect deeply with those who care about them. We need to make sure not to fall in with others like this again.

[@fringbabyross4718]

@@sage2181 that’s pretty much what happened to me. I changed my phone number, shut down Facebook and messenger, changed jobs, and moved to a whole new city. She was like a drug to me and it’s been an absolute mind fuck. The beginning was beautiful and thought she was going to be my person. I have a 7 yr old son and she has a 7 year old daughter. We were like a little family. I could see she was getting uncomfortable and almost dissociated at times. First three months it was great sex then suddenly wouldn’t hold my hand, slept with a body pillow between us, and returned my messages less and less. My anxious attachment went absolutely nuts and I knew it. I didn’t react at all, gave space, and compassion. Then she’d say she didn’t want anything in the future so I said goodbye then she came back around saying she was “terrified” of losing me and my son from her life. Did everything to push me away and I was so good to her. It was absolutely shocking and devastating to see her dating profile. It broke me in a way I can’t explain and now I’m in attachment trauma therapy. The grief feels catastrophic and my system wants to reach out but I absolutely will not…ever. It was the most painful experience of my life.

[@crystalo3402]

I relate to this verbatim. You have no idea how much this paragraph makes me feel seen.

[@joymelaniecloke6222]

The best response & comment 👏 👏👏

[@dmc522]

Just listen to your gut people! People reveal to you who they are. Don’t lie to yourself & continue on with these “head up their own ass types. Stay away , from the self help help yourself folks & you’ll have a fulfilling life. People talk themselves into the fairytale & don’t pay attention to their gut in the first place. Much better to be living free than saddled next to a doorknob for 60 years ❤

[@ashelisaa]

my partner doesnt avoid me completely, but he avoids any emotional connection / deep feelings / conversations that illicit emotional reactions from either myself or him- and I think that's worse than him being completely silent from me as I don't know how to not want him to speak to me with care and compassion and show an interest in my feelings. he doesn't like it when I want things he feels like he cannot provide, but he doesn't explicitly tell me he doesn't want to provide them, so I'm just left feeling horribly alone and ashamed for wanting the things that I feel like I deserve...

[@beatricearie]

I feel you 😣

[@russgrimes5531]

As a disorganized, I feel avoidant towards 99% of people in my life. But the one person I actually want to feel close with, I get anxiously attached and it’s viscous because that anxious feeling is alien and very rare to me. Stuck between a rock and a hard spot

[@ayayasin4363]

Same here

[@Justyna-dg4hs]

Even towards friends? Or only towards interested people like really who are into you

[@sherolie]

Just realizing my husband is dismissive avoidant. We've been together 26 yrs. I can't believe non of the psychologists ever mentioned this. He is not available emotionally and does not show vulnerability. He was abused when he was a kid. Had substance abuse issues. And, acts like a martyr with his Dad's business. He gaslights me and belittles me when he feels cornered. I feel like I have been dealing with an abusive partner that doesn't understand what he is doing. I always wondered why he couldn't be authentic with me. I'm exhausted.

[@jcimsn8464]

Only he never meant to not meet your needs. Sending love to you ❤️

[@reck0n3r]

Had he been "vulnerable" with you, your marriage wouldn't have lasted as long as it has. He did it the right way. Good on him.

[@mrsherwood2599]

​@@jcimsn8464 what does that excuse?

[@mrsherwood2599]

​@@reck0n3r "good on him"? Seriously? Did you hear how distressed this woman is? Read a f*cking book. Gross.

[@dianalereve5402]

@@reck0n3r that's *incorrect.* If a reliable woman loves you and you've known each other for a while, you can be vulnerable sometimes -as long as you also take action outside the relationship in order to *heal* and also show/ed *some ability to be protective* of her altogether...

[@laurabeigh283]

Understand that when a person gets into a relationship with an avoidant, he/she will become insecure. However, he/she will eventually leave.

[@shebutter3195]

Maybe an avoidant should marry another avoidant.

[@Eg-jd9zt]

@@shebutter3195 usually there is no one to hold it together so to speak when you have two people avoiding. They will probably just find another anxious person who will stuff their needs down and leans more codependent. Most secure people won’t have their needs met and leave too

[@freeandcriticalthinker4431]

@@shebutter3195well who would be around to be the person the was insulted, name called, blamed, shamed , gaslight, to hear the little digs on their friends and family or the grand daddy of them all, the Complete shutdown of sexual intimacy for several years or so…………. Yes I know this surpasses any bar and the person 🎉on the receiving end of this, me, is certainly partially responsible for putting up with this fuokking bullshyyte. It doesn’t matter if you were being “hopelessly optimistic for change.” Or “just damn ignorant and oblivious.” No one with any common sense should tolerate this , as if you do THEN YOU also screwed up as well. Yea, again, I am fully aware this is me. Yea I screwed up incredibly, doesn’t matter if it was trying to keep the peace or avoid conflict as she demanded, THAT IS WRONG. I OWN IT. She offered the posion and I took it. Horrible mistake of course, now in retrospect it’s painfully visible but I admit it, I knew something was wrong year 1. Don’t make this same mistake as I did and remain oblivious and a stupid optimist. Cause if you do, you just bought some of the culpability………. Just the way I see it now, in this new era of “oh it’s NOT MY FAULT, must be someone else.”……

[@katherinestahl7641]

Did you watch the video? She said at the beginning this is about avoidant people who are healing. I’m avoidant and in therapy for years and working on healing. I’m now in a pretty secure and happy relationship. It’s not fair to generalize a whole group of insecure attachers (traumatized people) like that

[@codydorn9715]

​@@katherinestahl7641 Was/Is your partner anxious or secure? My wife is avoidant. How can I give her what she needs while also feeling love?

[@eloisemarie5219]

Really good. I hadn't put into words how calling my name through the house was so triggering.

[@HummmUhHuh4]

I needed this sooo much today!!! Please post another video on Anxious attachment style too. You are awesome and get my story without even knowing me!! I’m so glad that I found your channel!!

[@kimbari9972]

I’ve been married for 38 years and I feel like a single person. My husband has walled himself off from me completely. Even the most basic level of social interaction with me or anyone else is viewed as insurmountably burdensome. I can’t bear the grief anymore.

[@lydia397]

I'm so sorry for your pain 😢

[@Appreciate2704]

Sorry for your pain 😞😞😞😞.. I too have a partner like yours .. he gives nothing 😢

[@karenhulseberg4329]

They bring lots of pain

[@anitalawson7917]

Same

[@joymelaniecloke6222]

It nearly killed me. I left.

[@christianyaerger1751]

I'm pretty sure I have fearful-avoidant tendencies. This helped crystallize in my mind some things about myself; it's very useful being able to have these traits mirrored so I can see them more clearly, and be able to articulate them more fully to friends and partners - and work on them myself!

[@edgreen8140]

Thank you for the refresher. Enjoyed your series on attachment.

[@mendingmandy869]

I think my husband is avoidant and I'm anxious so this is creating issues in our marriage. We've been together for a total of 9 years (dating included). I hope he will answer these questions. Whenever I have asked him about childhood, he just says I don't know defensively. I feel so lonely and frustrated with the lack of intimacy in my marriage. I've been seeing a trauma therapist because of my tragic childhood. She just told me I'm having flashbacks. I'm assuming I have PTSD from childhood. I don't want my husband to fix me. He can't. I just want some intimacy and empathy. I also don't want our children to suffer because of our attachment styles and my trauma. I want to have a happy healthy and intimate family unlike the ones we came from.

[@hadeedtahir8590]

Same😖

[@mendingmandy869]

@@hadeedtahir8590it's so rough:(

[@brittanypowers7893]

I could've written this verbatim. I see this was two months ago, I hope you're doing okay figuring this out. It's been a long process for me

[@hadeedtahir8590]

@@brittanypowers7893 i hope you heal

[@mendingmandy869]

@@brittanypowers7893 awww thank you. It's going ok. I have a new therapist who told me I have a disorganized attachment style so I got more insight about myself. We haven't made that much headway. I'm just trying to attack the problems not my husband and also be assertive about what I need. I'm trying to spend time together more and do little things to make him feel loved. If I can help him let his guard down I think we can get somewhere.

[@annieG08]

I didn't realise that I need to really fully understand this person that I'm dealing with, I thought he's just shutting me down. Thank you so much for opening my understanding about these qualities and hoping I can be able to help him and help our relationship 🙏❤ I was tiptoeing around him, trying to be careful with words and things I do with him coz he does gets upsets easily or take things negatively and he does suddenly stop everything when things becomes intense and overwhelms him to much especially when he gets too much attention... it stresses him to the point I don't understand him anymore ... I would get very anxious and think negatively like maybe he's seeing someone else or he's not into me anymore ...

[@izzyg.2615]

How are things going? I’m in a similar situation

[@russgrimes5531]

I’ve learned so much about myself and my relationships because of your channel. Thank you.

[@jessicakolbusz9550]

I appreciate your content Dr Kim, it is very helpful ! Thank you so much !!! 💗

[@tammy2534]

Omggggg, thank you so much. I think that I just figured out what my partner is going through and now I need to shift all my gears.

[@trashboat115]

Very wise woman, this video is truly an inspiration for mental health and a deep dive into true motivations of ppl like this

[@tmreaves1]

Thank you for this channel. I am doing everything I can to heal.

[@kennethjmcarthur2428]

Excellent. Helped immensely. This a new relationship potential with someone I have been struggling to understand for 5 years.

[@eddy2561]

Perfect video doc!! You described my relationship with my girlfriend in her early 60's... getting to talk about her emotions is like pulling teeth, one tooth at a time. Thank you.

[@thurstonb5035]

thank you for making these videos on attachment types! i like how clear-cut and concise you are. it almost feels like i'm talking to a therapist

[@carl5764]

One of the most helpful videos for me, having a very avoidant woman - thank you so much❤

[@lesliegirl1514]

I was looking for this list of questions to ask about their childhood. This was great.

[@njbenson1524]

Ty T 0:40 t😮😮iiiy I hi 😮😮😅t

[@linda-akaswjosdotschka8648]

I was ghosted out of a (what felt to me) deep friendship with a Fearful Avoidant. I am mostly secure but his behaviour brought out some anxious tendencies due to old wounds. Anyway, very little people talk about all that stuff in friendships, but your video really helped me still, as I expierienced most of the problems mentioned here in our friendship as well and it helps me get rid of the self-blame of being too pushy or needy and maybe that's why he ghosted me. I actually did most of the things right by instinct, without even knowing about attachment styles. So I feel it was very little my fault. That eases the self-blame - not the pain or the feel of missing him. I love him, I love our friendship and I hope after learning so much about him the universe or whatever will give us a second chance.

[@linda-akaswjosdotschka8648]

@@meeraraj0 Then I hope for both of us it resolves for both of us and for them to the best way possible. I still love my friend.

[@joymelaniecloke6222]

You deserve to be with someone who is emotionally available

[@linda-akaswjosdotschka8648]

@@joymelaniecloke6222 So? Not everything is about self-concept. Actually, you are making it about it, I don't. It's a little high-horsey to assume a random stranger on the internet doesn't know what they "deserve". I deserve to have the people in my life that I love and whether those people have their own childhood wounds or not - for me personally and in a friendship - does not matter. It's okay if you see it different, does neither make you or me wrong. But a comment on a YT video tells you nothing about other peoples self-concept and at the same time a random "you deserve XY" does not change what people think about themself or another person.

[@DianeNewman-xt6cm]

Dear Linda, I was also somewhat "ghosted/broke up with in the last five minutes of a breakfast by a male friend about four months ago. He is also a fearful avoidant, that sabotaged our friend relationship, fearing I would abandon him, so abandoned me first. Shortly after, I texted him how I deeply felt about him. I know he then went into shame and through "Dark Night of the Soul." I have concluded through research that he is very likely my "Twin Flame." He is now what they call a "runner." I have learned not to chase. You mentioned the Universe and hoping for a second chance. You might want to see if your friendship fits the criteria of this type of Twin Flame relationship. If so, there are helpful videos on KZbin as to how to navigate it. Wishing you the best! Namaste

[@linda-akaswjosdotschka8648]

@@DianeNewman-xt6cm Dear Diane, you wouldn't believe what I write now, but I still hope you do. First of, thank you very much for your kind and thoughtful comment. As a matter of fact, a few months after I commented under this video, I actually did find out about Twin Flames by accident and YES! Yes, he is my Twin Flame. I wish there was a way to exchange private messages on YT because it's absolutely crazy how much he even fits with my childhood wounds to weird details, which makes the spiritual connection even stronger. And I actually had moments of feeling physically when something was off with him and all that kind of stuff that come with Twin Flames. So, I was living these last months with knowing he's my twin flame, knowing I'm the chaser and that I need to heal myself and he will do so simultanously, even if not in contact. But I worked so hard on myself and still see no movement yet (by the way, I also found out about the Law of Assumption and am delibartly manifesting him), so I kind of had a moment of lost hope for a twin flame (re)union and thought to myself THIS VERY MORNING "maybe he's not my twin flame". An hour later you commernt this and it's even also a friend (most people just talk about twin flames in romantic context and it is annoying). I guess the universe just answered me that I was never wrong and he actually is my twin and I should keep doing what I'm doing. Diane, thank you so so so much for taking the time and being brave enough to talk about spiritual stuff under a highly scientificate video, I really appreciate you doing that and can't thank you enough! I wish you all the best and hope you'll expieriece a beautiful reunion and union with your twin soon!

[@DarleneLMora]

love you doctor! You bring peace to my crazy thoughts.

[@bienfaitmboni]

You describing my partner like exactly how they are. I am getting so tired as much as I love them, I am mentally exhausted

[@sally5256]

So incredibly helpful 🙏❤️

[@ultraaamotion]

Sempre bom ver profissionais que se importam em tratar os pacientes com esse quadro. Tenho tpn e já sofri bastante estigmatização até de outros terapeutas. Sempre é possível mudar com vontade.

[@sifublack192]

Unpopular opinion: It's more important you find a partner who supports your goals/ endeavors than someone who meets your needs. You should be able to take care of your own needs as an adult UNLESS you have medical issues, etc that don't enable you to take care of your needs. When you look for someone who supports your life goals, everything else will fall into place.

[@sifublack192]

@@joshmills1354 because having a partner is meant to enhance what you already have, not fulfill some void that you don't want to address. It's that very attitude as to why the divorce rate in the US is so high; everyone's going into relationships with the WIIFM (what's in it for me) attitude.

[@sashar5646]

Yes and no. When you get close to someone, you bond, and your emotional state depends a great deal on them. It's nature. It's naive to pretend it doesn't. And expecting kindness and emotional support from a close person is normal.

[@sifublack192]

@@sashar5646 bonding with someone and dumping your emotional baggage on them are two completely different things. Just because it's considered "normal" to dump all of your emotional baggage onto someone once you've become close to them doesn't mean you should be doing it. Deal with your emotional issues BEFORE entering a relationship because happiness is an inside job. Let's stop making dysfunctional relationships "normal" and start addressing the elephant in the room.

[@sashar5646]

@@sifublack192 what is the point of a relationships if not emotional closeness and mutual support? Just sex? It's not a relationship then. I'm glad I have a secure partner who wouldn't write or tell me that dribbel you just did. The only emotional issues I ever had were caused by narcissists or avoidants in my life. I dealt with them by cutting them out of it. Take care.

[@sifublack192]

​​@@sashar5646 I've explained position TWICE to you already. If you're not going to bother to read, I can't help you. Furthermore, if you had such a great partner, my so called "dribble" wouldn't bother you, so I clearly struck a nerve. I'll humor you though and answer your obvious trolling question for a third time. The goal of a relationship is two fulfilled people coming together and ENHANCING the fulfilled lives they already have with each other. The fact that you're looking for someone to fill some emotional void (which I suspect in your case is your happiness) is a combination of selfishness and a lack of respect for your partner. Assuming that it's overall happiness you seek, that's an inside job and it's not something you should be looking to your partner to fulfill. It's clear I triggered you. If you actually read my comment, I spoke about support SPECIFICALLY. And the fact that you say you only dealt with narcissists and avoidants (which I'm not convinced is the case since everyone throws those words around these days), shows you have a habit of picking men who hurt you. That's a HUGE red flag. You're clearly damaged. I hope you get the help that you need.

[@aubreyj.tennant1123]

I really enjoyed this vid. I would appreciate using more examples of the avoidant vulnerabilities such as you did on the last one: 9:20 when you notice them try to make quick repairs. I also appreciate when you described the physiological expressions 5:26 of an avoidant together with the corresponding vulnerability, like not wanting to show their neediness or weaknesses. Thanks Kim, great stuff! 👍

[@debrahbond962]

😂why would a avoided man have a cheating problem. Has sex with any women not looking for any strungs

[@CC-qf6zz]

You know I find it interesting that most of these videos on avoidant styles give excuses.. this happened in their childhood.. and therefore we need to treat them this way... screw that they're adults! We all had stuff happened to us in our childhood why is that they get a pass? Why does the anxious attachment style have to be one to adjust? I'll venture a guess!! It's because they're too narcissistic to try and meet anybody in the middle is there a way or the highway! Just stay away from this type of person it's not worth the heartache you will endure over and over

[@caesarbasti19]

But if you read the comments avoidants are usually the bad guys who should be avoided at all costs! Maybe there's a blindspot on both sides? Anxious and avoidants indirectly violate and destroy each other for opposite reasons. It's a misunderstanding on both ends.

[@scarlet132011]

perhaps its best to leave this style alone, just as they want.

[@joygibbons5482]

True, we prefer that to be honest.

[@tiablasangoriti8347]

Thanks for the helpful post.

[@chrisgilliam4886]

Thank you for this video.

[@joshmills1354]

My ex was textbook avoidant. Blaming, stonewalling, would never listen, would cut me off in conversation and rarely let me finish a sentence without her interrupting. Breadcrumbing, her way or no way, Projection, twist the words I would say. Wow. What an impact she made on me. Depression, sadness, hurt, guilty for how she behaved towards me. Yet I still pursed her because I loved her. I never felt so low. I offered to go to couples therapy so I could work on things together and also work on myself. Hoping she would go she adamantly refused saying she didn't have anything to fix. And there shouldn't be compromise in relationships. I'm floored. How can someone act this way and think this is ok ...

[@redpilljesus]

Because she isn't just an avoidant - she's a narcissist. Accountability - which could heal her - resides in a place of deep regret & shame. It's too scary to access.

[@joshmills1354]

@@redpilljesus agree.

[@JayB-cj1jl]

Everything you just said resonated with the person I was dealing with and I just couldn't take it anymore and went into No Contact about a month and a half ago. I am slowly getting better everyday.

[@joannawert3095]

Because they only think in terms of me, not we.

[@sarahbodibe2923]

Very inspiring and insightful 👏 👍

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I had compulsive self-reliance I can do it by myself.

[@Oughut88]

This is a common attachment style in those that were sent to boarding school as children.

[@freeandcriticalthinker4431]

Christina, attachment styles develop in very earlier childhood. Forms prior to 3-5 years old. So no boarding school didn’t come into this. I wish it did. I am in the same GD situation with decades invested and still ……………. Yup

[@gogogolyra1340]

Not boarding school but day care.

[@frankwhite7128]

I've noticed a big correlation with "avoidant" partners. Really being people who want to do what they want, and not accept responsibility. Maybe because their parents didn't respect their responsibility. With that said, we are adults, and it's on you to fix yourself. It's not your parents' fault you won't step up and correct yourself.

[@JayCK246]

Honestly this video does help my understand, I know she wants to try and I understand how hard it can be for it and I want to be able to help her maybe ease into everything so that she can have that ability to reach out for comfort instead of always relying on herself, which I do too but I’m not as much of a struggle since I talk with my mom a lot so That I’m able to ground myself and just understand from different perspectives.

[@Nyumc99]

My wife , whom I still love after 37 years and much trauma, I believe is FA. I’ve researched for 10 years on psychology. ( not qualified). This is a great video Dr. Sage. Before I understood any of this, I used to tell myself that she was in the, “self preservation society”. ! ( see Michael Cane film. The Italian Job. They sing that song). After having also looked at the similar traits of avoidants compared to vulnerable narcissists, I am resigned to what many others have correctly said in that, the label doesn’t matter. It’s how they treat you that counts. ! God bless all those that want to help them. Although as Doc Kim says at the beginning of this video. It’s their job to seek growth ! Offer help yes, but they have to want to do the work ! Great video Dr. Sage 👌💕🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

[@Squirrel112169]

I have an avoidant and he drove me nuts til I understood what I was dealing with. Now I can deal with it better

[@smokingcrab2290]

How to cope with avoidants: You dump their avoidant ass and find someone who actually knows what a relationship is 🤷‍♂️

[@catherinesimon4182]

My avoidant husband blames me for his avoidance and we are going nowhere! Now he wants a divorce!

[@unvaccinatedmgtowfitness]

Find a better Man. They are out there!

[@afsahassan6745]

How are you now? Because i am on the same page now

[@sylph99]

ONE time when I mentioned that he had mentioned lack of communication/real relationship with his mom, he got so triggered that he deactivated completely, literally shut down to me.

[@ChiloTarot]

If someone is avoidant…just let them be. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@Muchaspass]

Intergraded without choice. Family intergraded lifestyle alongside never seening homelike relationships. BIA schools kept us years in and years our. Holidays were unhealthy an physical abuse. Tough kids at school something else . Looking back now im relax because fighting thur out childhood with lack of courage an understanding. Not sure what im trying to reach or remember. Thank You once again Dr.Sage

[@Nyumc99]

There is a great new song out just recently. ‘The Door’ by teddy swims. It explains quite well, the avoidant/anxious dance, without even mentioning those words! Top tune. Great lyrics for this community 🖖🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿💕

[@TadanoCandy]

I’m avoidant and tbh I don’t know exactly why. The only thing I can think of is that I had gastrointestinal problems and other health issues growing up, and because they happened so often, my mom got tired of them and got angry at me because she believed that eating unhealthy was the cause of those problems (I didn’t see a correlation because sure they tended to happen when I ate junk but I ate junk often and didn’t have problems the majority of that time). If I could hide the pain, I hid it just so I wouldn’t have to deal with pain AND my mom’s reproaches. It sucks that for everything else my mom was helpful and encouraged a secure attachment style, but this one thing made all her efforts go to the trash… My bf and I have had trouble because he expects a level of intimacy that I wasn’t providing. I started doing what he wished I did, like hold hands and ask to spend the night at his place (we’re asexual so I didn’t know there was a need to share a bed). But I wonder if there’s more things. If my bf was more comfortable sharing his needs, I’d be happy to oblige, but even though I have been nothing but understanding and welcoming of his opinions, I still think he hesitates to tell me things with the fear that I might be hurt or something idk

[@iCarryBoatsAndTheLogs]

My girlfriend is avoidant and she’s taking closer steps towards me (anxious style) and yes she falls back into a avoidant position but all in all she’s definitely sending more heartfelt messages and trying

[@Vladd7]

Effort is everything. Good luck.

[@MS-ns4ki]

Every man that likes me is this

[@Rachel43688]

I think you’re right, i didn’t even realize the underlying issues. I’m an avoidant. I’m the only child with a very strict mean abusive narcissistic single mom. Being vulnerable makes me feel uncomfortable and devalued, I know it’s wrong, but that’s how I feel. I feel guilty, very guilty. But I can’t help. I became who I am already.

[@mypersonalities101]

Let them find their perfect there is somewhere their who focus and busy on themselves. That what the avoidant needs. Its really terrible when both have different needs. Life is short😢

[@NutmegRose]

I printed out the questions, but I’m not sure what to do with his answers. Or how to even present it to him. He’s so insular and “I do byself” I’m skeptical if he would even answer these. 25 years living with this detachment has been really difficult. There’s no intimacy.

[@HezOmanjo]

Sorry for your experience. Certainly doing things by oneself is classic avoidant. Question is though, is he intimate to some degree e.g. physically, spiritually, intellectually, recreationally, but not emotionally?

[@kylin9417]

I’ve realised I had overlooked a few situations which hurt me, where I felt replaced even, because I didn’t want my partner to feel guilty. We still talked it through several times but I didn’t let myself realise the extent of her actions and now I’m too scared to bring it up for the nth time again. She probably has avoidant attachment and I think I have anxious attachment. At the start of our relationship, we had a lot of arguments and kept triggering each other without knowing why. Now almost two years in, I understand it a lot more and I’m putting my faith in the universe. It’s tough when you’ve both healed each other’s inner child in many ways but are also hurting each other unintentionally!

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I hate my name being yelled out in the house Dr. Sage.

[@mikyl-fo8rh]

If they are not in therapy or a 12 step group, the the question is not 'how' but 'why".

[@joannawert3095]

I have asked my DA husband the most innocuous questions about his childhood. I always get the same response. I don't remember. It seems ludicrous to even make some of these suggestions because the DA will have none of it!

[@Oceansta]

Really well explained.

[@gigistrailsandtales7203]

I am not going to change much of who I am…I have lived too long with this neglect. He can do the work now.

[@roccovert4351]

My girlfriend was adopted so it makes since why she’s avoidant but it’s so frustrating like right now she’s really cold with me and were long distance she’s 2 hours away rn it’s so difficult but now I understand and I’m gonna pull back till she reaches out first

[@beatricearie]

6:41 that is so right abt my husband 😔 but because of this I don’t remember when was the last time we ever had any quality time spent.

[@ruggedlifejewelry]

what if you have conflicting core vulnerabilities? What hurts/terrifies/harms one partner is what the other one craves and will not compromise on?

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I can do it by myself.

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I had to learn to be autonomous and independent very early on.

[@diansimpson2839]

This powerful

[@jakahl1470]

My wife is avoidant when it comes to intimacy and romantic stuff, but definitely not self reliant or self sufficient. I know she loves me, but I mostly feel like I'm around to pay the bills and keep my feelings, and my hands, to myself. Kinda sucks...

[@erinh.665]

How would I go about "informing" a person that they have an avoidant attachment style without sounding like I am psychoanalyzing them or triggering the "I don't have needs" response? I have seen him grow a lot, and he really tries, but I think if he knew more about the attachment styles, he might just do a deep dive and work to fix that as well.

[@miaduana]

He doesn't need to know attachment styles. He needs you to be specific and forthcoming with your needs without attaching your self concept to his reaction or the outcome. He needs you to do right by yourself.

[@rachaelhill7146]

Get both of you to do a test on it “for fun” and spark an interesting conversation ab their result. Make it seem like its their idea to go and research on it on their own

[@sunbeam9222]

I agree with both comments above. Maybe don't focus on them any more than you focus on you. Sometimes we scrutinize someone s behaviour and find so much weirdness but if we did the same with ourselves what would we find. Ofc we think our behaviour is the most reasonable one. Cos it's ours ;) It takes two to form/ continue a relationship whether it's romantic or friends. I'm the same person and yet I have very different dynamics with anyone I meet depending on how my unique complex beautifuness meets their unique complex beautifuness. It really does take two to tango. And I would also agree that testing for fun is a good idea, only if you genuinely take it that way. If you sit there analysing their answers like a shrink that might not make them feel very at ease lol

[@AISynthar]

i'm married to one, It's draining. How do I tell my wife that she has this Avoidance Attachment personality. It's terrible being with someone who avoids showing intimate emotions.

[@Ikr2025]

I’ve been married to one for 21 years. Very unhappy marriage. They want their physical needs met - but that’s it. It would be better if they got together with a robot. They have zero need for emotional connection.

[@herblapp6134]

When is it time to cut bait after repeatedly trying to accommodate an avoidant person? I find them to be abt the hardest personality to deal with as they can be passive-aggressive. Maybe that's just her way of behaving.

[@olgasampis9745]

Don’t bother with the avoidant people. It’s like walking on egg shells. To raw against the current

[@CaseyP]

We could say the same with anxious attachement, except it feels like walking on dynamite

[@itsrx870]

@@CaseyPNot true at all. I rather date an anxious any day of the week. At least they love you and actually show it and express it. Screw your opinion.

[@babyz5491]

I plan to slowly distance myself until all emotions are gone then I’m ghosting him. After 4 years I’m going to ghost him. And it will be payback for all the times he left me anxious and crying for days on end wondering where he is and how he feels about us. I’m done

[@taliesinangling3564]

Communicate don’t ghost. Ghosting is not what a securely attached person would do. If you have an ounce of respect for him, You will just communicate and follow through with your words. Ghosting hurts.

[@thebirima91]

@@taliesinangling3564 He probably didn't want to communicate hence the problem. I can relate to it and also have fantasies of revenge but won't follow up on it.

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I had to learn to be more autonomous.

[@BeelzeKid]

ok ... makes sence ... dankeschön

[@herblapp6134]

Sorry but l really heard l have to make all the adjustments sort of walk on eggs. Everytime l speak to her l have to evaluate what words must l use which must l avoid...it's taxing. The avoidant l live with has standards of perfection. If l try and make a mistake or fail l'm not reliable enough...so she goes more deeply into her shell.

[@smileycat767]

Never ever waste your presious time with an avoidant person! They are broken and cost you time!

[@pravolivo]

I’ve searched everywhere on KZbin - there is no advice for people who suffered from an avoidant partner and DOESN’T want to cater to their needs anymore. There is also very little advice for an avoidant person how to love a secure person without completely destroying them

[@Vladd7]

As the saying goes: “in a negotiation the one most likely to win is the one who is most willing to walk away.” Avoidant partners are always willing to walk away (emotionally and literally).

[@user-ds8fq8cp2f]

May have to give up,to save yourself

[@kyanite4818]

how do you best approach these questions early on in a relationship?

[@jill8573]

I am married to my avoidant husband for 25 yrs. In 25 yrs we have had sex maybe 30 times. It’s been 9 yrs since the last time.

[@Yeahimalright]

😢

[@itsrx870]

I’m so sorry you deserve better

[@jill8573]

@@itsrx870 thank you 😢

[@itsrx870]

@@jill8573 I’m also with an avoidant partner but I honestly have a gut feeling they’re torturing me so I could end the relationship. I don’t want to simply because I feel if I do, they win. I’m just going to invest less and less in the relationship and focus more on my own happiness until they see how pointless their neglect has been.

[@itsrx870]

@@jill8573 For me it’s not even about ending the abuse anymore, I want them to realize that avoiding only hurts them. If I end it, it will only strengthen their ego. They torture us so we can end it because they want to blame us and hold zero accountability. I recently feel more peace on my alone time than when I’m interacting with them to be honest. I have like zero desire to date at all or anyone ever again now. Don’t over invest, focus on yourself Jill. Invest as much as they invest. Otherwise you’ll only be taken advantage of.

[@Appreciate2704]

How do we learn to live with these emotionally avoidant people .. what’s the best therapy support ? Would you recommend? Please 🙏 help all of us 😥🥴♥️🙏

[@vonnstracy]

Just discovered I was battling with DAA some weeks back😢