Thank you for this video. I needed this.

It's totally fine that you talk fast, slow talkers drive me crazy. I talk real fast when excited too 😆❤

3:54 tf this sht sound just like me 😂😂😂😂

Thank you for making this. I will follow your videos and try to use the resources you provided on your site and here.

When I got married almost 11 years ago (I was 28) my mother didnt attend my marriage. I received a notice from her that she is disappointed that I am getting married. It disgusts her how Im only getting married to be the center of attention. I still shake my head in disbelief thinking about that statement. Almost 11 years and 2 sons later and Im still married! She just wanted to disturb me mentally to come back running to her, as she was left alone bec I was the last one to leave her. My father already left 1989/90 🫥😶‍🌫️ Meanwhile I know that every word of love and affection is a lie. These kinda people cannot love. And every negative word is actually a reflection of their own self.

This is 100% me.......thanks for the help Kim 💗

Dr Kim. I have a friend that is autistic and she is triggered so greatly at people she isn't able to be around people it's not good for her because she is alone and can't advocate for herself. How can she get medical help if people make her disassociate?

I had to do that with my narcissistic mother, sadly. I tried and tried for most of my life, to no avail.

Dr. Sage, thank you for the wonderful video. I CANNOT BELIEVE you are 56. 36 maybe! You are lovely, inside and out.

my highly narcissistic mom always invalidated me and usually ignored me. and i forgave her for that. but what i didn't forgive her for, years later, was her clear DELIGHT in my suffering an abusive ex partner who was putting me through h*ll. She laughed at my pain, laughed when i was sobbing, and never admitted that he was an abuser - she wouldn't give me that. She'd use every other word to describe him but never narc or abuser. I stopped talking to her for good after she said on the phone "well, you let him get to you". i threw the phone against the wall, and that was it. haven't spoken to her since. dont intend to.

How to spot avoidant asap?🥺

My mom argues with me even when I'm agreeing with her

This was my life. I never felt good enough. I was too skinny, too fat, to big for my boots, I was criticised, ridiculed and belittled. Thank goodness for my mother. I knew she loved me and always tried to defend me but the damage had been done. Relationships were hard for me because I was constantly looking for what he never provided. I am learning though. Its a slow journey but I think I am getting there. Thank you for the video.

In learning about trauma one of the items that frustrates me is the repeating theme of trauma childhood and relationship to ‘care taking’. I grew up with a fairy tale home with zero trauma and with an amazing family. My husband had suppressed cPTSD. He is a horrible caregiver. Zero empathy, insanely selfish, almost no compassion and super emotionally neglectful.

My mom told my toddler son that he can call her “mom”. She went into a fit of rage once and told me that she’s taking my son away from me so she could raise my son and that my son was really her son.

Unrelated, your flowers are dead. My OCD can’t unsee them.

So the trauma of being autistic in an allistic world looks a lot like trauma. Enlightening. /s

She looks like stiffler's mom!

What was the image you had flash for a split second w the newborn image? It was incredible fast but I saw it when rewinding.

How do one tell the difference between covert narcissism and BPD? Is DBT of any use of the latter? Interested as my relationsship is struggeling and I am about to invest time and money on DBT for my beloved partner 😢

Having a narccistic mother is miserable..I'm trying to survive..complete emotional validation,guilt trips my mother said it would be fine if I just kill myself. I must go no contact

Also: it's been shown through research that avoidant parents didn't just leave their babies in the crib to cry. They are actually faster to respond BUT they don't soothe or provide emotional comfort. They just attend to basic physical needs. The crying makes them uncomfortable, so they do pick up the baby but only try to make the crying stop through practical care, not emotional soothing/bonding.

Polyvagal theory is NOT accepted by the scientific or medical community at large and has been thoroughly debunked in many ways. Even the creator of it admitted that it wasn't meant to be "proved" or tested, which makes it no better than magical thinking. Any "theory" that can't be proved is by definition unscientific and unsupportable.

Not being able to speak until calming down is something that I can very much relate to. I guess I'll never be a bouncer lol.

Isolation keeps knives away from your back. With me there's nothing wrong with that. Let everyone believe in friends and let them follow the silly quote "keep your friends close n enemies closer" No such thing as friends and as about enemies stay the ....away, life's too short to be surrounded by bs n dramas

Just WOW about 'epigenetics.' I've always had a phobia of black racing lines at the bottom of a swimming pool. It wasn't until I was in my 40s that my dad told me he did, too! And there were no events we shared around this. Freaky!

I sometimes miss the consideration that our parents in addition to being immature, violent, narcissistic, borderline or whatever - they might have been autistic, too, given the fact that it is highly genetic. It really helps me to understand my childhood experiences to aknowledge that for my parents, whom for many of the above mentioned reasons I broke off contact with decades ago until they both died, being most probably autistic must have been hell on earth, even worse than it was for me, because there was NO understanding, NO interest, NO compassion for ANY psychological issue at that time. There was only abuse, shame and rejection for all their autistic traits in their entire lives, external and internalized. They had NO chance to find out about their autism and develop any healthy self-concept. That doesn't make undone what they did - but it puts a different complexion on it and helps me to understand the reasons why.

Avoidants will continue to be rejected and thus cementing their attachment style if they continue to starve their partner of love and validation. Work on your attachment style and work toward being secure. Avoidant destroyed my life and I'm secure.... or was until I encountered an avoidant

holy crap, anyone else freak out around 4 minutes when a fluffy pillow started moving in the background? LMAO the cat blended in so well!!!

I think you just described my life. I was told I had “anxiety” and I didn’t even know what anxiety was bc I don’t freaking have it! I do sometimes get anxious with demand related things though which is why I feel like maybe I have a pda profile

I like living alone but I could use a little female companionship from time to time!

💯

Interesting because my marriage was the same. I married my husband thinking I would be financially secure, looked after, have the house, husband and children and happy family I never had, I even thought my inlaws would be the sisters and parents I never had. It was a nightmare. My inlaws couldn't have cared less about me (while I was trying really hard trying to get them to like me), they bullied me, I ended up with mental health problems I had a nervous breakdown and was suicidal, my ex was playing both sides and gaslighting me (ie saying he's on my side, when he was whiteanting me), and unbeknownst to me he was mismanaging our money and gambling. I left our marriage with no money and emotional trauma and the bullying continued for years after. It was a repeat of my childhood x 10.

I get what you say about asking for help - just can't do it. My mother was just horrible. She didn't hug me - not even once, not even to comfort me, never said she loved me or made me feel wanted. To this day if I am upset I hate it when people try to hug me, I just want to be alone. She never said a nice thing about me and took everyone opportunity to put me down. She loved to laugh at me or humiliate me. My father was a narcissist and like the cuddles so at least I got some physical affection from him but I was a prop to make him look good. I couldn't talk to them about anything, on the other hand I had to hide everything from them. They isolated me and didn't let me socialise so I spent most of my childhood locked up in my room - I literally had a lock on my door. My brother who was abusive and separated lived with us for a while and used to beat his kids. I've spent most of my life pretending to fit in.

the executive function has been such an issue for me. I have completely shut down so many times in so many areas. Perception... omg I could just list and go on with this list. I feel so seen!

It's like I can't ignore her also. I love her but also hate her at the same time

Avoidants are not looking for a relationship. They're looking for someone to always be there when they need just so they can put you on the shelf for later. And if you dare ever want reciprocation, they will gaslight you into actually believing you are "needy". I'm married to an avoidant woman and we have almost zero emotional connection. I feel alone every day I'm with her. And I cannot express how I feel or any bid for attention at all otherwise she will take it as an attack. Best she can do is be awkward, robotic, and boring. Yet when she's with her family, she all of a sudden comes alive. She baited me with a facade. If I would have known this about her while dating, we would not have made it.

So here's my mother's story: I never got motherly love from her. She's always negative. She made my father's life hell. She's anxious depressed idk what other mental health condition she's suffering from. Now she emotionally blackmail me that I shouldn't go out of the house. I can't go anywhere. My studies are suffering because I hardly go to college now. I'm tired of this. 😢😢😢😢😢😢

I know what you mean about being naive. I was voted 'most gullible' in high school. I trusted my ex husband (checks off all the narcissist/psychopath traits) implicitly, it just never occurred to me that he was cheating me and not on my side. I just wanted someone to look after me, and thought he was it, but he was just using my adoration to feed his ego. I've been through so much emotionally in my life I feel as though I could just write a whole book about it but no one would even read it. I had no trauma bond with my parents because there were no bonds at all. I knew they were bad parents from a young age.

I have both so that's fun. Found out about the autism as an adult because the behavioral/stressor aspect was masked w Cptsd symptoms and traits.

I have recently experienced a personal betrayal and it has cut deep ❤️‍🩹 I trusted this person more than any other person 😶

Dr. Kim, you are such a blessing. I've been seeing a female therapist for 15 years. She has helped me tremendously. Listening to you is like listening to a mother's soothing voice that I didn't get to experience. Therapy would not be the same with a man - I've tried it. Please continue to teach us how to overcome these childhoods we all have experienced. I look forward to your next video. Joe.

Congratulations! I'm Erwin, and when the weather changes, that's when my end comes..., in other words, I feel the sudden change in temperature, from cold to warm and vice versa, like fog, I can anticipate the weather forecast through intercostal neuralgic pains. I want to write to you that I had a respiratory virus when I was 20 years old, but as a small child I had "nerves in my stomach", as I explain in a simplified way that anyone can understand. I would like to ask you what you think happens when the weather changes, because only when the weather changes do I have these manifestations, mood changes, anxiety, palpitations, even from the wind blowing irregularly. Do you think it's about the autonomic nervous system, sympathetic/parasympathetic, only, or also the vagus nerve, and what exercises would you recommend?! Thank you very much. With respect and honest friendship, Erwin. 🤗

you say it realy easy

im trying to watch this but as someone with both DID and ASD, (and adhd), its kind of silly to say "people with CPTSD and people with autism have similar brain differences" without also acknowledging that most kids with autism end up getting ignored and abused and neglected and develop trauma disorders because of their disability. It's so hard to watch this while knowing that truth.

In my case, my dad had ADHD I think(undiagnosed) and my mom may be autistic. Both are hereditary, unless I am mistaken, which explains a lot as to how I am . I have struggled my entire life with school, work, and relationships. I was horribly bullied because of my symptoms, which I now know I have spent a lifetime(52 years)trying to mask so I could appear 'normal'. To add insult to injury though, I grew up in a toxic family where there was rampant bullying by family members (Golden Child sibling and an enabling mother)in which I was scapegoated. As I grew up and started trying to defend myself, the bullying increased as the narc sibling trained everyone else on how I was to be treated. Now, I have softly gone no-contact with most of the family and any other toxic people outside of it that were messing with me. As someone who has autism, ADHD, RSD, and extreme anxiety which includes skin-picking disorder, life has been extremely hard but I had to care enough about myself to walk away. I now surround myself with people who respect and treat me well, and I can be myself around them. I have been in therapy since junior high, and well into adulthood on and off as I try to work past all these things. I just started with a new therapist and have been working on coping mechanisms when my sensory issues, particularly with noise, upset me to the point that I cannot function. Over the last two years, I have struggled with that tremendously as I am living in an apartment building with no sound dampening and neighbors over me who told me to 'suck it up', 'you're home ALL the time(which is why you hear barking from our dog - a trigger of mine btw)', and 'this is apartment living'. Yes, they know I have these issues due to my autism and ADHD but they didn't care. The management didn't care. No one cares, as there appears to be ZERO accommodation for those suffering from sensory issues due to autism and ADHD.

Your work is so helpful to me. 54 managing what I feel is autism. Didn't really have a clue till recently. Elderly mother lives on my property. 82 and realising she is adhd. She has been tricky over the years. I've spent my whole life trying to cope. Did okay for what I had on my plate but I'm exhausted now. Lots of childhood trauma and family rejection to this day. Felt like I parented both of my parents. Your work gives me rest to say I'm doing my best. Time for me. Thank you.

Also, your kitty in the back is so adorable.

I think it would be interesting to tie in how parenting as an undiagnosed autistic person how that could cause you to be a parent you had to walk around on eggshells around which would make sense if you are feeling that you may be autistic bc it is hereditary and there was Way less information on it back then, we didn’t have Google or social media etc. it could also serve as a way to understand and reconnect with parents like this and help them understand why they are the way they are and also seek out help. I was constantly overstimulated and burnout but I was a single mom and the smallest things could make me have a meltdown I know it had to have been traumatizing and scary for my oldest back then, but I had no idea how people could just be and live. I also was beat into my brain that this is what Good parents parent and this is how bad parents parent their kids and if you do it this way you don’t love your kids. I thought well I love my daughter so if she gets a bad grade or does something bad she has to get a spanking because I thought if I didn’t then that would mean I didn’t love her and care about her future. Every time I spanked her though I hated myself and would ball my eyes out and feel this heavy weighted chest and turning in my stomach and I would feel so horrible I couldn’t understand why I felt like such shit (obviously I understand now bc I was being a shitty person and that was shitty parenting) I would also always think to myself why are kids supposed to be perfect but adults don’t have to be which is something I got in trouble all the time for when I was young bc I had a smart mouth or talk back or disrespectful to my elders etc so I would be hit yelled at etc but I never understood that. The spanking didn’t last long, I would hide the fact I didn’t spank her at first bc I thought other ppl would think I didn’t love her or was a bad parent but I treated her like I wanted to be treated bc she is a person too, I had her go to therapy and told her therapist all of this so that he would know everything and help her bc I didn’t want her to not say anything about it thinking it wasn’t important or made me look bad but that parenting can have a significant impact on a kid and the bond between parent and child it shapes the rest of their world really. It’s very important for someone yo talk about this aspect of being undiagnosed and a parent bc I know it couldn’t just be me, I know it may be uncomfortable to talk about or shameful or scared to talk about for fear of looking bad but if this could even help one person that would be great. It is confusing trying to be an autistic parent especially an autistic parent of an autistic child. This ended up being one of my special interests learning about these things so I can understand myself, be a better parent to them, help them understand themselves and also help them navigate life and also heal from any trauma that I caused and from anything else. I want them to have the tools they need to succeed. The generational trauma definitely happens and is probably pretty common in undiagnosed autistic families and if we can be open and talk about it then we have the ability to make a change.

So 3 years ago my wife- a social worker- said I fit criteria for FAS - since then I’ve focused on the trama of growing up in 60s early 70s w alcoholic parents I’m still learning to listen and hear people such as yourself