How to Decenter Men

[@veronikaljungberg7149]

I genuinly laughed when you talked about the fact that we as women are conditioned to think that we will be happy once were in a relationship or have children. 😅 The incongruency is so funny, but I guess its more tragic than anything...

[@charliestoolbox]

Right?! it is tragic

[@howtopaint3552]

men have seen me struggling to pay 5 cents at the cash register and holding up the line, they wont even offer to pay 5 cents when im struggling but im supposed to support them when they come around for their stuff, f them

[@WeWokeTheGiants]

How come you blaming the man who didn't give you 5 cent for the things the men you choose to lay with did? Why don't you take accountability for the fact that you choose shitty men based on superficial standards like how much he makes and what he looks like.

[@uncle_tones1222]

Yet you’re photo indicates your have plenty of funds to invest on your superficial appearance. Next time create a budget or get a 2nd job so you can have the required 5 cents to pay for the items You’re buying instead of holding up the damn line thinking a man should jump in a save You. Ridiculous

[@jessicagerou4132]

True true sista!

[@tonimartin8547]

Were there no women on that line as well?

[@YurinanAcquiline]

​@@tonimartin8547 Yeah. Like wtf. Then again no one had to pay for someone else either way. I occasionally do but that is only because I know what it is like to have little.

[@AAriesMoon]

I LOVE this video and content you're creating. We center men way too much in our lives and our ideals around them limit us from exploring and reaching our higher purpose. Thank you so much!

[@charliestoolbox]

exactly! we need to know what we like and not do what we think men like.

[@neandramc253]

Focusing on myself is one of the best moves I have made so forth❤the rest will follow. Thanks for your video.

[@charliestoolbox]

I love this for you!

[@rainbowsnsunshineverywhereigo]

This feels like the advice from the older sis, auntie, cousin, mama that I NEVER had! What a blessing to be able to hear this, thanks a million for sharing

[@charliestoolbox]

no problem! and I love this comment so much!

[@alicialawson5077]

Decentering men also means that women have to acquire the skills like home and car mentainance that we rely on men for. There is a tool, technique or device to solve most problems. Learning self defense skill is also important, for one thing, it boosts self confidence. Learn also to have fun alone, with friends or even virtually. Go where you want to go and do what you want to do. Dont wait on someone who may never come.

[@copiouscat]

Yes! I will be learning more in depth car skills soon! (YT is the biggest source) as for my home I do everything myself if it’s too big of a project I call the specialist for that particular trade

[@Brandiisbeloved]

true and I have no problem paying and hiring a man to do something

[@Fadi5000]

we rely is they key word, your reliance was born of convenience, you made that choice

[@MB-xv7er]

Sadly us women in poverty don’t have the same privileges you upper class women have. Y’all never address this

[@ericaherndon7228]

@@MB-xv7erpoverty is a choice. I’m not saying that there aren’t circumstances that occur such as illness, job loss, etc that can lead to the circumstance of poverty but staying there is absolutely a choice. We live in a world with unlimited resources and abundance. If we can get past the limits in our own thinking we can transform any situation.

[@anonymousa-uy1hk]

This video is so on point. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve heard go on and on about how wonderful/ amazing their boyfriend/ husband/ partner is and literally all he did to earn the title was the equivalent of taking out the trash or emptying the dishwasher once in a while. Women do all these things and so much more but no one praises us for it. You’re definitely right, for men, the bar is very low.

[@religion-free]

crazy!!!

[@folakebianca]

Am I mistaken, or is this the first face reveal? You’re gorgeous! Thank you for this video and all your content. Excited to see this channel grow!!

[@charliestoolbox]

yes, it is! thank you for the compliment and I am excited as well. Can't wait to really connect with you all.

[@iloveTool]

"the love, the kindness, the patience, the lessons that you wish you had from your caretakers - you are assuming or placing that desire on men" you totally nailed the root of what we are seeking in men in that sentence. And most men in the dating pool have low emotional intelligence/empathy. It's disappointing and lonely and tired of being seen as an object instead of a woman/human being. Great video, will be watching more

[@charliestoolbox]

Thank you! and you are absolutely right.

[@comeseeoselove2348]

I see an articulate Black woman, I stop every other videos and I click. Like always I was blessed with inspiring insights ❤❤❤❤

[@charliestoolbox]

Happy to hear it!!

[@R0291-l1l]

"perhaps they don't know how to communicate with humans" YES lol that was the majority of my experience on dating apps. I'd get thousands of likes but it would just depress me because when you message these guys, they are so BORING. The ones that could actually carry a conversation, show genuine interest in me as a person, my interests, my life, etc....well they got a lot further but turns out they can't act right either. It's depressing tbh. You grow up thinking the biggest challenge will be to attract a mate; but then you become an adult and realize attracting people is easy, it's finding one that is a fully fleshed out and decent human being that's a struggle.

[@Alieortwo]

Datingapps are full of avoidants and narcs. Normal healthy men dont go there.

[@copiouscat]

🎯🎯

[@kembaI.]

💯

[@Karina_Engr]

Yes! I came up with the term, “no more half-baked dudes.” I want my bf cake fully cooked. 😂

[@Karina_Engr]

@@Alieortwoa lot of men are really selfish.

[@paigealicious90]

I could listen to you ALLLL day. Screw centering men, I will center YOU Charlie! Thank you for your calm, rational and empathetic wisdom! The purgatory in our mind....seriously

[@charliestoolbox]

hahaha thank you!

[@NisiaRuth]

Definitely needed and makes so much sense. I felt like I was at a pause waiting for this ideal man and then I could continue on to other aspects of my life. I still desire to be a wife but I'm no longer centering my life around that aspect.

[@charliestoolbox]

love to hear it!

[@sarkie3927]

Please understand that desiring to be a wife is not about what you have seen in movies is false. A wife is a free cook, janitor, caretaker, nanny, babysitter, decorator, $ex machine even if you are not always enjoying it. And you will be doing most of these things by YOURSELF!! Let’s stop glamorizing being a wife as some kind of special privilege when it’s actually about $lavery basically glamorized $lavery

[@applejackzo]

Ya know. I was talking to a guy on a dating app & texts for hours. Everything seemed to be going fine. He was a bit younger & admitted he doesn’t have much money & he hesitates to date because of it. I said that’s fine. He’s a strict Christian (I’m not - I’m a free spirit) and he was talking about gender roles or whatever. I’m still iffy on that, but I was agreeing with him because he’s cute & I thought it’d get somewhere. We started talking about going to church & I said I don’t go to church. He asked if I’d ever be a Christian again (I grew up as one), and I said idk I can’t say. I like to study and read all kinds of spiritual texts. Welp…too bad for me. That was a dealbreaker for him. INSTANTLY I got a lightbulb as big as the sun. I’m giving men all this ROOM to be imperfect and not my ideal, when all I gotta do is one thing not aligned with what they want and they’re done?!?! My perspective changed that day.

[@kembaI.]

Wow, what an interesting perspective. When I think about it, that’s exactly how they are. Being in a relationship with them is exhausting unless he does a lot right.

[@starchildofthe90s7]

My favorite part was BE REALISTIC …….. Like BE for real foreal 😂😂😂😂 Im so blessed that at 30 years old i am no longer under the trance. Im not impressed. When I saw men for what they were I freed myself from the Matrix. Its so freeing to not be in the game anymore. All these women spiriting out of control having nervous breakdowns ….. GOD Bless. Now back to this money and this life of luxury I’m creating.

[@charliestoolbox]

Isn’t it so relaxing? It’s like something clicks and you are like no I don’t want this!

[@lareal5929]

For real, once the veil lifts and you see the romance Matrix for what it is, you keep it moving. The only men in my life are cousins, and platonic male friends I've had for 10+ years who have NEVER disrespected me or stuck it on me.

[@folababe26]

Charlie u woke up and chose to eat me up today !!! I love this , our relationship with ourselves is tarnished at such a young age as black women. Thanks for the Tools !!

[@charliestoolbox]

haha! I said come get this lesson right now!! But you are right. society harms us and our community continues to reify those messages. So, as the great learners we are, we adapt these lessons that do more harm than good.

[@yasminpaws3011]

Pl 111iqik

[@gc4007]

i love how you think. please keep creating. women need more women like you

[@charliestoolbox]

will do!

[@jameelia1086]

Lovely to finally see a face to the content that I've been loving for a while now! Excited to continue to grow w/ you. Your message is spot on and necessary.

[@charliestoolbox]

Thank you so much!!

[@thelizmcgee6035]

Wow this amazing. I mean I say men aint shit every day but you came with the receipts! I am on the journey of decentering men. I'm just bored and disappointed.

[@charliestoolbox]

hahahaa, that boredom ain't no joke, but you will have to start bringing excitement to yourself outside of men and dating. It will help in the long-term.

[@TheOnlyJasmine]

CHARLIE!!!!!!! You are beautiful! To finally see your face really brings me joy. You had me at your tweets alone and I’m so thankful to witness your journey. Thank you so much for sharing your gifts with us. You’ve changed my life.

[@charliestoolbox]

thank you, Jasmine! you are the one who inspired me to put myself out there! thank you for all you do!

[@TheOnlyJasmine]

Wow, thank you. ❤️

[@UniquelyHerz]

Thank you. I am de-centering men going forward into my 30s !

[@charliestoolbox]

Best of luck!

[@nikitaniki19]

This advice spoke straight to my soul

[@charliestoolbox]

love to hear it!

[@womanofvalor7]

That 'how do you plan to keep a man" message triggered me! I block black men from my dating apps, cant deal!

[@charliestoolbox]

look!!!! same

[@truffaut650truffaut6]

I don't keep them anymore❤

[@MsjennyForbes]

My mum said that to me so much I grew up looking for someone who will accept me the way I was cox I never felt perfect enough, now I’m learning to be my own person without them.

[@emilyd8706]

I am seriously so grateful I found you! You really articulated a lot that was on my mind! Thank you so much for making this💕💕

[@Karina_Engr]

I needed this. I was feeling like a wanted to date, and this reminded me what I’m not missing out on. ❤

[@murunwamafadza3577]

Arrived here 2 years later and this is just as relevant. I literally have my notebook out now and I'm taking notes!

[@charliestoolbox]

happy to hear it!

[@Synquette]

I really enjoyed this I feel like I need to listen to this again

[@charliestoolbox]

you can listen as many times as you need to lol

[@carolbegumisa4382]

I have been following you for a minute on twitter, glad to be part of the community here!!

[@charliestoolbox]

So happy to have you!!

[@gee.kay.4787]

Please keep doing videos - just found your channel. Love the content. You’re so pretty!

[@charliestoolbox]

will do! and thank you!

[@lesliegrace5986]

Just found you. Please more on this. My soul is crying for the fact that I’m losing my bf of four years because he SA’d me a few days before my birthday. I suggested we go to couples therapy because I was willing to work through it, understanding his boyish tendency to not listen or want to comprehend how I feel. It’s been 7 months since then. He’s resisted therapy (once he even threatened to turn himself in to the police & tell his whole family that he SA’d me instead of just going to therapy) and has since ghosted me for the past week. I feel so alone and distraught about this. Reflecting on the countless times he’s told me that I’ve changed his life in major ways for the better. But won’t lean in to make me feel better about the trauma he’s caused me. 😢

[@charliestoolbox]

So sorry to hear that! Glad you are getting help.

[@leoa4755]

Hey I’m so sorry you went through this, I hope you are doing better now! I just wanted to let you know that you are worth more than that man. Even giving him the chance to come back into your life through therapy was too much for him. He should be locked up. I hope you are doing better now and growing and healing without him 💕xx

[@LakiaS-pb5nw]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you're in a better place now.

[@kembaI.]

I’m so sorry you went through this. Please go seek professional help (therapy/counseling or finding a healthy outlet)

[@kembaI.]

I’m so sorry you went through this. Please go seek professional help (therapy/counseling or finding a healthy outlet) also report him

[@monica-renee]

I love all your content!!!! Beautiful inside & out. So glad you decided to reveal the face behind the brand. I’m sure it’s only going to open more opportunities 💕💕

[@charliestoolbox]

I hope so too!

[@j.wynona8342]

Echoing everyone else in that it's so amazing to finally see your face! Truly a beautiful person! Beautiful voice, beautiful content! Your content has definitely gotten me into a better place!

[@charliestoolbox]

This drives me. I am so happy that I've helped in that way and thank you!

[@jessiekalff]

You are so wise… An inspiration for me… On my journey to reclaim my power.. 🌼🌷

[@charliestoolbox]

You can do it!

[@jessiekalff]

@@charliestoolbox thanks lovely….feeling it more and more every day!!!!!

[@Misstaryn]

This video was great! I needed to hear a lot of these points

[@charliestoolbox]

Glad it was helpful!

[@samenchanted7776]

This is so good. So so good.

[@charliestoolbox]

Thank you dear!

[@AngelaEliaMusic]

Ahhh hi Charlie! Been following you since the beginning of your IG, so wonderful to see you and thank you for all your incredible work! ♥️

[@charliestoolbox]

thank you! I am so happy you are here. I can't wait to chat with you all more.

[@GZN22-p5v]

You are so profound 🙈 Thank you

[@charliestoolbox]

No problem!!

[@JanessaGarvin]

Charlie!!! You're gorgeous! Thank you for all your content. It's amazing in all aspects. ♡ So happy to see youuu.

[@charliestoolbox]

Thank you so much!!

[@Vivacious.rabbit]

Thank you for this video

[@charliestoolbox]

My pleasure

[@crippledworm6047]

Incredible information. Absolutely top tier info that much more people need to consider to increase their quality of life by atleast 3x

[@Willa_West]

I love this perspective! All women should hear and understand this

[@zakiyyahambrose2531]

I Struggle with this at 44 years old, I hate that society looks down on single women

[@charliestoolbox]

It sucks, but our community is going so strong and we are all starting to see through the BS.

[@gwenbby2]

It is a treat finding your content! Thank you for sharing your wisdom 💐

[@charliestoolbox]

You are so welcome! also sorry for the late response. For some reason I did not see this comment.

[@iluvdant]

New subbie!!! Thank you! This was amazing. I had to watch a few tikes & take notes! A blessing 🙌🏽✨💫

[@charliestoolbox]

Hey love! Glad you enjoyed it.

[@ruthwangui4966]

This is so deep!

[@charliestoolbox]

happy you enjoyed it!

[@mikealaroberson4906]

Yay! I love that you’re doing this. Please keep it up! I look forward to more content from you 🥰

[@charliestoolbox]

More to come!

[@askew9976]

I have zero self esteem and am an empath. I know that I do this and it sickens me. I have to STOP. I’ve got me.

[@charliestoolbox]

I am so sorry to hear that love! However, I totally believe you do have you. I know for sure you can be the love of your life. Take some time with my content and ask me as many questions as you desire.

[@AWholeVibe96]

This is similar to me also. I’m making progress though. I’m almost 2 years abstinent and don’t date. Every day I find another reason for why I never want to date or have sex again. Me being an empath is a challenge on its on. I don’t need to be with another human being 24/7. It’s so draining.

[@LakiaS-pb5nw]

I'm right along with you ♥️

[@mercedesmumbela.4185]

Disclaimer: I love men and always enjoy them. Now comment on video. Thank you for this good video. It is eye-opening. Society has its expectations of women, just for them to be able to take good care of men and their families. But no demands to very few demands are made for men to be good husbands. Men get away with a lot of things coz we women are taught to tolerate the men. When a man cheats it's not that bad but when a woman cheats its bad. We need more videos like this one. Let's make this video viral to all women and little girls on the planet.

[@charliestoolbox]

Thank you!

[@kembaI.]

🎯🎯

[@ЧёяКтоя]

I was never a girl or a woman who paid too much mind to real men. I've never dated even (more than like two weeks once) but I hate internalised male gaze that I really struggle with. And also I'm afraid of men and center my life in a way around them but backwards, I always try to stay on their good side or be invisible. I just want to care a little less but how

[@charliestoolbox]

I feel you! it's a process that we all are trying desperately to do. I will circle back on the how. Maybe in a video.

[@glowupjess]

Omgg I listen your podcasts but never saw your face! I didn’t even realize it was you until I notice the voice resemblance and looked at the channel title! ❤🎉

[@charliestoolbox]

ahhh welcome!!

[@allygong]

Love this 💞

[@melsfarmstand]

Can we get a video of how to decentralize men while in a long term committed relationship with one? 👀

[@charliestoolbox]

I'm always hesitant on this one. Let me think about it and come back to you, but thank you for this suggestions!

[@TaraWalshMusic]

This is so powerful 🌌 Thank you for the download

[@charliestoolbox]

No problem! happy it helped.

[@rukkygaruba8886]

Do you sell paperback copies of your book?

[@charliestoolbox]

Unfortunately, I don't, but I am in the process of making a paperback edition.

[@tatamigalaxy-i5r]

I'm a man and when I first heard of this concept, I thought y'all just hate us. But it turns out this concept is actually very sensible and I wish more men would also live like this. We also focus too much on getting validation from women, proving our masculinity to them. The endgoal is always to be in a relationship, and then, society tells us, we are supposed to be happy. But we don't do anything to be happy ourselves, and when we work on ourselves, it's only to get women. This goal is toxic, because you can't control if other people like you, so you are setting yourself up for failure. It just makes you dependent on women. Really great stuff!

[@charliestoolbox]

This is a great perspective and an excellent bridge to use to talk to men.

[@Sindrijo]

Yeah, it's sensible but I am a bit worried that people will misunderstand this and turn it into something that it isn't e.g. some kind of man-hating movement. The sensible thing about this is that it should in theory help foster women confidence in what they actually want. Most of these women I see have had some realization that their whole life goal should not centre only around men, honestly young men often fall into this same trap but I can see how it is much easier for women to fall into this because of culture. Fulfilment in life is about so much more than just finding a man/woman to be with, and honestly most people who are like this rarely last in relationships because they have no personality of their own and their partners get bored or they themselves get bored because they have no other goals etc. Honestly people need to be more picky across both genders.

[@ChristinaMartineMuse]

Amen

[@everythingispolitics6526]

Beautiful content ❤

[@charliestoolbox]

thank you!

[@EfromThaNYC]

You are beautiful! I had to subscribe immediately. I love the content on your podcast (and tweets), so it was a no-brainer!

[@charliestoolbox]

thank you so much! I am so happy you love it

[@elizabethbrockob3889]

Just subscribed !!!

[@charliestoolbox]

Welcome!

[@_missbirdie]

Thank you for this video 🙏🏼✨

[@charliestoolbox]

You're so welcome!

[@ohyeah2269]

Wow beautiful

[@charliestoolbox]

Thank you so much

[@alinas.6701]

Thank you so much

[@charliestoolbox]

Glad it helped!

[@frejaninnacaspersen1829]

Thank you !!

[@charliestoolbox]

You're welcome!

[@oo5240]

Love this ❤

[@Nyxwerk]

I’m bisexual and just broke up with my partner of 2 years I’m taking a huge break from dating but I know for sure I’m never dating men again and I’m super excited about it

[@charliestoolbox]

IKDR!

[@Nyxwerk]

Hehehe thank you!@@charliestoolbox

[@joelleweir9535]

I want a delicious life😮 how do I get one of those?

[@charliestoolbox]

It's sitting down with yourself and being honest about what you truly want and never giving up until you get it. You deserve it and no matter how much your mind may try to manage you down, you have to overwrite those thoughts with a deep down knowing that you deserve it.

[@starchildofthe90s7]

Whewwww that is deep purgatory. Whewwwww exactly . The purgatory is real. Wow i have a 35!year old girlfriend that refuses to buy a home because ahe thinks some man is going to buy her a home. 😂😂😂 im like ok sis like BE FOR REAL you just never gonna invest in a home for yourself because your waiting for a man that doesn’t even exsist??? Llike women especially blk women are ending up homeless due to things like gentrification and you looking for a man ……. I fckng cant.

[@charliestoolbox]

Pausing your life for men is always a bad idea.

[@AWholeVibe96]

I hope she’s woke up by now.

[@gravityclarity]

Exactly!

[@violetlight8138]

I literally went to a different high-school and a different college because I liked certain men near them or at them.

[@charliestoolbox]

Wow

[@k.rebuilding]

How to Decenter Men: 1. Be realistic about men 2. Go Beyond the statistics, the bar for men is SO low 3. Take the steps to be happy NOW 4. Expand your imagination 5. You are the main character

[@charliestoolbox]

thank you!

[@amethystlake]

How do you deal with a boyfriend who is clingy? Every day I have off he expects me to drive to his and gets sad when I don’t? I want to decenter him but how do you do it where he doesn’t notice 😅I want my life back and he makes it all about himself. He has good qualities but unfortunately his bad quality is he can be selfish and thinks I’m only here for his existence, TIA!

[@charliestoolbox]

To be honest, tell him that you can't do it and explain your reasons why. Or end it and date someone who is compatible.

[@amandaspaintinglessons9908]

You need to have stronger boundaries and not care if he gets upset. I am sorry if that sounds harsh. If he doesn’t respect your life and wishes then maybe he’s not mature enough to be in a relationship. Why can’t he drive to you?

[@Enriquez2222]

Your boyfriend sounds like the draining men I meet on dating apps. I usually chase them off one way or another. Can’t stand selfish men

[@Enriquez2222]

Btw I hope you know he doesn’t see you as a person….

[@tif8266]

The "getting sad" when you don't come over sounds manipulative Also someone can be a good person but a bad match for you personally.

[@princesspeachy4862]

7:50 !!

[@dianelaure4425]

2024❤ depuis l’Afrique la France et Monaco 🙌🏾👩🏾‍💼

[@Mara.Isabelle]

you’re so beautiful damn

[@charliestoolbox]

thank you!

[@Katleespe]

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

[@gabbypage6929]

I decentered men many years ago.

[@TabithaPeter-l7u]

chileeeee that text message on the “they don’t know how to communicate with humans” text gave me PTSD… men can be sooo 😅

[@charliestoolbox]

hahaha I get it!

[@winniekahubire902]

Oh babes, you are so beautiful 😍

[@charliestoolbox]

thank you love!