How To Forgive When It Hurts

Why you can't forgive them. Forgiving someone can be really hard. It's hard to forgive when it hurts. Especially if we think that after we forgive them we have to forget what happened and get close to the person again. We think we have to forgive and forget because the saying says so, but we can absolutely forgive and not forget. You can let go of the past without forgetting that it happened and today I'm going to teach you how.
___
Join The SHIFT SOCIETY: courses.juliak...
-----
Come connect with me on both Facebook & Instagram:
Facebook: / juliacounsellor
Instagram: / juliacounsellor
#forgiveness #lettinggo #forgive

[@NenaLavonne]

Forgiveness is more about taking the bricks off our own shoulders. I does not mean we are ok with what happened, it just means we are willing to let go of its weight so we can move on. As incredibly difficult as it can be, it greatly reduces suffering. Excellent video, Julia

[@lessismore8533]

True. Dwelling on this makes it easier for me to move on especially when the person doesn’t own up

[@TenaciousB20]

Great analogy!

[@tararichter1897]

"Keep yourself out of swiping distance" - this is a key one for me. Doesn't mean running back and being "ok" with everything they do - but taking personal accountability to say I forgive you, and I need to look out for myself too.

[@delmeshiabrown8480]

I have the hardest time forgiving myself.

[@juliakristinamah]

Do you know why?

[@delmeshiabrown8480]

Not at this time. I’m still trying to figure it out.

[@pamelac.5600]

I'm right there with you. And I do know why. I look back at my mom/family mistreating/attacking me and get angry at myself for not sticking up for myself in the moment.

[@LM-ht7sd]

Thank you for saying that "hurt people hurt people" just that alone allows me to look at my husband differently and understand why we've both put each other through some things that we have. We are becoming stronger together because of it...

[@juliakristinamah]

I'm so glad to hear that. Good for you 2 for doing the work.

[@LM-ht7sd]

@@juliakristinamah ❤🤗

[@luisterrust]

Radical forgiveness from Colin Tipping changed my life SO MUCH! Forgiveness is not for the other but for yourself! ❤️💕

[@juliakristinamah]

absolutely

[@YDdraigGoch1]

Thank you so much for this, Julia! God bless you! I needed to watch your video when you did, as I am currently in a situation where I am trying to break off a friendship gone wrong, but I don’t want to be completely nasty to this person; just kind and polite until it’s time for us to both move on, and then from there, keep my distance. I truly hope that you have been taking good care in these testing and unusual times! ♥️☀️

[@shirleykaye4344]

I forgive in my heart because to not forgive only hurts me, it doesn't hurt the person who wronged me. If they have deliberately hurt me, I forgive in my heart that the person is human and has their own issues but I cut off all communication and do not tell them that I forgive them as they do not deserve to know.

[@veronicabruce2078]

Forgiveness to me releases my spirit from carrying pain slimed by another. I love the way you care about our emotional safety. Distance, space & expectation adjustment is healthy. Self-respect & honest to ourselves allows us to be comfortable & confident in our own skin. Thank You Julia for turning on the lights so we can see.

[@2L8BYE]

im having a VERY hard time forgiving my dad and my ex boyfriend who was narcissist. i broke down while watching this video. i realized im afraid that if i forgive, what i went through wasn’t valid. like drinking poison and hoping the other person would feel the consequences. im learning and im healing. thank you for this video Ms. Julia!!

[@juliakristinamah]

Sending you love Reyna. Forgiveness can take time and that's okay.

[@magydimitry8181]

Me to learning and healing omg

[@victoriya4487]

True foregiveness erases the matter, both for yourself and for the other person. So when you do forgive, you forget. You treat the person like like you would treat yourself when you forgive yourself. True forgiveness lets the matter go. I think when you don't forget, you're still holding on to something.

[@tallspicy]

How about a video about forgiving yourself???

[@sonjiavowell8659]

Thanks for speaking on the subject of forgiveness. I've had a hard time with this in the past, but I've since forgave those people that have hurt me. It wasn't easy, but I've basically been focusing on personal growth within myself.

[@juliakristinamah]

Good for you for doing the work Sonjia. I know it's not always easy and takes a lot of courage. Sending you love sis.

[@lessismore8533]

For me forgiving is easy as long as the person owns up. But when they don’t it’s a lot harder and I don’t even think it’s fair. I only forgive for myself just to move on

[@admirbarucija2018]

I have so much trouble with forgiveness and letting go, thank you for this video! 💜

[@jennyhagen1205]

My issue is knowing the steps to take with forgiveness. It’s not fear of forgiving but being able to truly let go, forgive, and be able to move forward.

[@user-kj1nf2ki6p]

Ask yourself what they are offering toward the relationship was a big lightbulb 💡 moment for me. Thank you❤

[@captaindan1000]

Forgiveness involves setting healthy boundaries. If you aren't forgiving someone it can only mean they violated a boundary of yours. That person needs to convince you it's not to be done anymore.

[@amiruladdin8743]

i'm really goin through this prob rn and it's been months since quarantine started, i do forgive but i can't easily seem to forget, almost everyday i will have flashbacks about it and cry sometimes, it's really hard as it haunts my mind, i've never feel like this before, your vid helps me in some way :')

[@Xyz-wy5zf]

I loved this video, something I actually needed, You never fail to make your viewers feel good, Could you please make a video on loneliness and how to deal with it? As in having no friends, these thoughts are really getting overwhelming for me :))

[@danicesouza9004]

Me too ram lonely 😞 I have a brother and sister I talk too but I miss my kids and grandkids if I say anything they say I am on a pity potty it hurts sooo bad !

[@danicesouza9004]

How do I do the shift Society

[@juliakristinamah]

I will do one on lonliness soon - thanks for the suggestion. Sending you love.

[@reaper_of_the_crimson_knig8557]

I’m 25 years old and the last day I truly cried was when I moved from my childhood home before my last year in high school. I’ve had some close calls but that was before today when I found this channel. As I type this, I’ve only watched one of your videos about being passive aggressive and what it’s about, and I’m only a few seconds into this one and I’m not strong enough to hold back the tears. In this moment I feel like I’ve finally found the reason why my life had felt so empty and dark and why I’m always so insecure with what I say. There are no words to accurately comprehend the astronomical joy I feel for what you have done to change my life. I’m going to watch all of your videos and I hope to come out a better person then I was when I woke up this morning. Just saying thank you isn’t f enough for me to say and is beyond an understatement, I’d consider it an under-appreciated thing to tell you.

[@reaper_of_the_crimson_knig8557]

Sorry, I made a typo and can’t figure out how to fix it please don’t get the wrong idea: “... Just saying thank you *isn’t enough* ...” I’m a little sensitive towards strong language so I didn’t want any one reading to get the impression said typo “f” meant what a lot of people use it for

[@VideoCesar07]

Just because you forgive someone it does not mean you have to wipe the slate clean as if nothing ever happened. . Forgiveness means you are willing to give them another chance but they also have to put in their fair share of actions if we are going to let them stay in our lives. Forgiveness is also for your own sake of not remaining resentful since that feeling really only hurts you. You choose to keep them at a distance for the short or long term.

[@m.saleem9249]

Forgiveness is one aspect of self love. It's letting go of the past bad situation. Your technique I like much.

[@therealnightshade8367]

Thank you me and my gf been struggling I was very self obsorbed at one point in time this really gave me hope among other videos I've watch

[@deannahamiltonwatkins4843]

It is hard to forgive sometimes. Depending on what it is, you know? I'm going to try to do this. Pray everyday for those people for 2 weeks straight and all should be good. It's hard but can be done. Ty for you 🙏 Also, not all hurt people hurt people.

[@excxmoody]

Forgiving is one thing but I'll never be able to forget them doing that just to get their way in life...which in turn makes it more difficult for me to even forgive. That's partially why I've found it extremely difficult, when you say as if it wasn't important.

[@leoniecollison-bryant5429]

How did we manage to live our emotional life before Julia came to us. Thank the Universe for Julia and modern technology.

[@LensofLove3061]

Very helpful! Thank you. This answered what I instinctively knew to do but when its family and its chronic. Thank you.

[@alisonholding7319]

Hi my name is Alison I relate and my journey is me trying to forgive myself for being angry, for feeling hurt, I am trying to learning how worthy I am. I had learnt to believe that I am unworthy so I am learning that is not true and how much this belief has held me back!

[@Suzy3223]

I forgive from a distance. If/when I feel there is a willingness on my family’s part to treat me kindly and lovingly.. I will continue to stay away. That’s up to them. I accept who they are and what they did.. it’s over. It brought me to here.. I didn’t force myself to forgive.. I just naturally started to as I was healing and focusing more on what I value, who I am, and behaviors I did and didn’t like in myself. Thanks for the video. 🙏

[@shireenfrancis]

Something I saw: The foolish never forgive or forget The naive forgive and forget The wise forgive but never forget - herein lies the lesson!

[@turisteandoentexas]

The wiser forgive, but don't forget! How interesting way to say it! Absolutely agree😊🙏

[@change4me]

What crazy timing you have. Thank you for this...it helps me to figure out the next step. ❤️

[@juliakristinamah]

Really glad it connected.

[@217scdou]

Hello!! I new to your channel and honestly I love every minute of it. Thank you for your encouragement and your uplifting words. Forgiving is something I take seriously even when I am very hurt with someone. Also, ask forgiveness when I hurt someone deeply. I can not move on or think straight until I forgive someone or ask for forgiveness from someone I deeply hurt. God can’t forgive you if you can’t someone so I have learned to that and be at peace even I don’t any relationship with that person anymore. At the end of the day, I know I am the bigger person and ask the person I deeply hurt forgiveness and I feel good about it.

[@meahstarr]

Never fear. The deepest truest desire ever to forgive but not knowing how. No one ever explains how.

[@michaelfletcher214]

Thank you, Julia. I've always been able to forgive without too much difficulty. Depending on whether something was done by accident or carelessness, intentionally, and/or with some degree of malice. After something wrong or hurtful has been done to me, the act forgiveness is kind of an organic process for me where the time between the hurt and beginning the process of forgiveness, and the duration that process are tied to the seriousness of the of the hurt. And all of that rests under "who am I not to forgive someone" when, in fact, I have in the past, or may, in the future, need to be forgiven. Lots of Love back to you.

[@roccorubino6288]

I am very appreciative of the work you do on KZbin. Personally, it has helped me a great deal get in touch with what is going on in my life; things I was not aware of. Thank you, Julia Kristina.

[@beckypfaff1462]

OMG. This was amazing! Thank you so much. You simplify complication. ☺️✨ Bless you. ☯️

[@beeblebomb]

I went through a situation in Mexico with a community member whom I had thought was a really good friend. I know that the basis of my hurt comes from the expectation I had towards this person. I was going to move to Mexico to my “community” and I had been working 7 days straight for almost 2 years before I could finally see them and when I did, I experienced intense and terrible treatment from this person. So besides the sap story, it’s been difficult for me to forgive her, not because of what she did, but because of where I had placed her in my priority list. I had deemed her a part of my “safe place” and realized she was not safe. And since then, it’s been difficult because I want to move abroad, but I can’t help but think that I will be obligated to see this person again as a common courtesy thing. Ugh. What a gross feeling. I like the explanation of someone not being emotionally safe. It reminds me that I’m not obligated to be around someone who is not safe to be around. Now it’s just the work of me leaving this experience behind and not dealing with this emotional weight anymore. I’m not quite sure how to do it… my logical mind is set and knows, but my emotional mind is still attached to what happened.

[@christianlamb]

Solid vid and discussion!! This was impeccable timing for me as Im just finishing up today a webinar on how and why to forgive. This gives me even more material and perspective to present. Thx!!❤❤ 😁

[@janekiceniuk1578]

This is exactly I am. Trying to figure out a friendship that has just about destroyed me(there were other factors too) unbeknownst to her she does what she does. Soon, (when I work it out & gain strength & courage) she will get an explanation, she deserves that. As far as the friendship, I don't know where that stands right now.

[@gracer5923]

I had put some distance between myself and the other.. But wasn't sure what to define it as-out of swiping distance is certainly the right phrase for it. Thank you so much. This clarifies what I am experiencing now.

[@WritingYogi]

I truly tried to just keep my mother at arms length but her to I it’s became too much so now I’m estranged from my parents. It was one of the best decisions of my entire life. She was a wound that festered and oozed until I cut it out. I forgive her and feel sorry and compassion for her, but I’m much healthier without her abuse and drama.

[@queerstars1]

Thank you. Tough one. Complicated.

[@juliakristinamah]

I agree 100% - I hope you found this helpful.

[@LunaTheFae]

Hi! I'm brand new here and this video resonated with me. I am just beginning to forgive myself. And yes, it's really hard. Thank you for sharing this!

[@Marie-ve2ml]

Could you please make a video about forgiving ourselves for self-sabotage?

[@yansomade]

Your videos are an oasis of sane reality and helpfull advice in the wide offer o bad "info" on youtube. Greteings from mexico.

[@juliesisson6977]

Your advice is so helpful to me with several dysfunctional areas of my life. I listen and relisten almost daily

[@StephanieArtsIs]

I don't have to forgive. I don't have to give one red cent of thought to a toxic person that has wrecked havoc In my life. I don't owe them anything, I owe myself healing, Comfort and care. When you have love for yourself you don't have to give energy to negative people. The word Forgive is a offensive term And pretty explanations won't make it any nicer of a word in my opinion.

[@tallspicy]

The problem is this vitriol will only poison the rest of your life. Is that what you want??? It will manifest in other ways.

[@StephanieArtsIs]

@@tallspicy The more love and respect you have for yourself the less you give time for your thoughts to rumanate on toxic people. Healing begins with the self, not focusing on them, thats" Letting go"

[@kathleenwharton2139]

Stephanie.Arts.Is I agree with you! Focus on better things..is how you Forgive. My problem is..I am drawn to those who I should simply forget and let go. I am my problem!

[@ivetteboutwell8606]

I am a Christian and I am a firm believer that just because I have forgiven my narcissistic mom does not mean I have to have a relationship with her. Forgiveness does not mean Reconciliation Especially when the person who hurt and abused you does not respect your boundaries, feelings and will not acknowledge any accountability or responsibility from their past or present behavior. So, that being said although I have forgiven my mom I still have to protect my heart and mental wellbeing and the only way to do so was cutting complete ties from her.

[@theepshika3614]

To be honest, even if I do something really small and something that won't cause a big problem... the small problem tends to be so hard for me to forgive myself.

[@hayley3663]

New here. Just subscribed, thank you for all the hard work you do in this field! I need videos like this and soo much more. Very happy I found this channel 🎉❤🎉

[@lilyangiolini3837]

Yes, this was helpful. I appreciate your videos and take so much away from them. Thank you.

[@juliakristinamah]

Glad it connected Lily, and am really glad you're here.

[@pure-pisces9470]

I don't feel fear, im disappointed, pissed off, hurt, they owe me an apology, answers etc, but i know I have to somehow forgive for the apology that i haven't & probably will not get in the best way possible...

[@lessismore8533]

Agree I don’t think it’s fair that I have to forgive if they don’t own up

[@jeffvarley9792]

Wow. This was a good one. Thankyou for this information. Thanks for bringing this video to us.

[@dlees5895]

Yeah, "swiping distance". My sister, who is 2 yrs. younger, and I fought a lot growing up. She would hit so i hit back- then she'd cry and I'd get spanked for hitting my little sister... Until one day my dad was watching and saw what she would do...Well, that helped but as the years went by she would still do things to get me into trouble. And in her later years it was not fun because she had a mental illness which made her say crappy things and write letters with, well, crazy stuff in them. I tried to forgive because she wasn't well. But it was very hard and Then she died and I actually felt relief. So did our two younger sisters. There was no real closure..She thought all was forgiven because she "confessed" to god...Sure didn't do much for me or the sisters...Thank you for your words and I'm glad I found your KZbin! Peace. I was going to hit send but i had another thought... I would trigger her when I saw and felt her wrath coming on.....so it wasn't all her doings. Lots of edits...

[@Eduardado]

Very helpful. I love the mental image of the wounded bear because this is what I'm able to remember in the heat of the moment or maybe 1 month ahead. Thank you very much.

[@juliakristinamah]

I like that image too - glad it connected.

[@Jan-uo3so]

Thank you for making these videos! This subject was particularly illuminating and couldn't have been more timely! My younger and disabled sister who lives with me is the swipe. After our fallouts I always find myself saying "I'm done." As her legal caregiver I can't be done but it doesn't make it any easier living with a cynical, negative, and short-tempered person. For the most part I simply carry on. However, there are clearly moments such as today that my mood is still effected and a couple of nice things I had planned to do I no longer feel like doing to make her life easier during this pandemic lockdown. I can her forgive again. But staying out of swiping distance I have to learn. Do I still need to do nice things or set them aside? We're both in our sixties and have been living together for about two years due to her health circumstances. Thank you again for all that you do. Jan

[@kathleenwharton2139]

Jan2 So Hard! I would pray to Jesus to Save me! From her. We can choose our friends..but not our family. Those are the hard forgivenesses.

[@standufrene93]

Thank you for this teaching. Glad you posted it.

[@silentgrove7670]

The strangest experience for myself is the people I have loved and trusted have by far caused the most damage. I suspect this to be so for many people though seldom discussed. There is a clear connection between forgiveness and letting go and I cannot quite find the words to give that a proper context. Often I think of forgiving people from the realization that they have no idea what they have done and in order for me to move on I must find my way to forgiveness. Part of the fear is that to truly transcend it brings me to a place of becoming vulnerable again, even with the knowing that it might occur again. There is the fear component for myself. What I do differently now with everyone I feel some kind of connection regardless of what it is. The next step is to let them go. If they find value with me they will step up and give the experience space to grow.

[@Xpytraffic]

This was a very helpful video. Thank you for breaking it down on how to forgive and what it means when you do or don’t. Thank you!

[@rtgerstner5705]

So helpful! I definitely struggle with proceeding in the relationship because it feels like forgiving gives them a pass. But I like the framework that you described it in.... and am going to try really hard to implement that idea.

[@lessismore8533]

Agree. I used to feel like forgiving them was like letting them have an award without earning it

[@thenebraskan6977]

Thank You 🙏 so much for the wonderful video. You are the best Julia.

[@ceciliasantana2013]

Thanks for this video... It really spoke to me and I'll definitely be sharing it 🙂

[@mariascodella6143]

Thankyou for your comfort ❤

[@elanahammer1076]

Thank you and happy new year! 🎈 If I was a Facebook member I would join. Facebook is not me, (socially speaking). I want to thank you for wisdom and insight. I have been working on this topic since 2007 when I experienced defamation of character from a car accident I did not cause and it literally destroyed my family. Since then (some people who are not even worth the letters of this keyboard as I type), have been nothing short of a side of humanity that I find sickening. These ideas are good reminders from the perspective of anyone, any organization and humanity. I find some peace ✌️ in the goodness of your counseling. ❤️

[@candacekooiker2129]

Thank you for addressing this. It's very important to me.

[@TenaciousB20]

This was great! Thank you 🙏🏾

[@phoneticsofart8286]

Thanks for the best help, i needed this most right now, ❤

[@starshine3933]

Thank u for sharing such a informative video That’s what I needed to know I got watch it once agin!!!

[@aminnoory7975]

Hi Julia!!! All of your ideas and advices are great, beautiful and fantastic. I think I have issue with forgetting ( I got get it what people did to us) which is not healthy as you said. Thank you so much !!!

[@marciahuang8617]

I love, love, love your videos!!! Thank you appreciatively!

[@andrewwalker5174]

I don't have any fear about forgiving... My question would be do I want to forgive them ???

[@juliakristinamah]

It's a good question, and one that you get to decide the answer to.

[@timothygablein]

So much so in relationship with others!

[@GS-st9ns]

I really like this video. It's so practical and pragmatic and emotional at the same time. I've always had trouble with forgiveness I still don't understand it. The thing I do understand is you can forgive and avoid, not trust, treat people as human beings. My Philosophy is, hello how are you nice to see you goodbye. I don't know what famous person said the following, , but "not forgiving is like swallowing poison and hoping it kills the other person." Not likely Now if you're married to the person, that's a different animal. I really love that wounded bear analogy. I'm thinking that bear would be a member of your household or your family , hopefully that family member has forgiven themselves for what they did to you oh, then you can move on with them as usual. Yes? because everybody else can be kept at a distance.

[@missy1093]

Thank you Julia for this helpful video. Let’s get deeper

[@michellebegin4965]

I can forgive easily ~ but my daughters can't 'forget' ~ so our estrangement remains. To me, that is not forgiving fully. They are no longer close to me because they feel I have hurt them emotionally . . . I could never emotionally hurt my children on purpose. So I have to accept this.

[@kathleenwharton2139]

Michelle Begin I have five children. I am the same mother..but they all saw me differently! You can’t please all the people all the time! I have found that I rarely please anyone! And I am beginning to not care.

[@journeebell7119]

Thanks for this video ☺️

[@VonnieVon86]

Thank you for this video❤️

[@AshleyGarian]

Perfect advise! 💓

[@jarynnelson8445]

Extremely helpful. Thank you!

[@MJ-od5sh]

Love this saying the wounded bear 🐻 taking a swipe . I have realised I got out the area of this unsafe zone . I don’t forgive easily especially people that treat me so bad such as narcissist. Or an ex bullying boss . I will come round to other hurts in time.

[@sssttt2211]

Very good videos, very helpful. Impressive work Kristina. Can you make video series on dealing with narcissistic people, workplace toxicity

[@BrotherTree1]

Forgiving and excusing aren't the same thing. Once you understand that difference you'll know what it means to forgive yourself correctly and responsibly. Oh and say how you're feeling as truthfully as you can without blaming your feelings on the other person; how it hurts and it's implications/affects on you and that, if you want to, you look for the situation to be repaired by sketching out as accurately as possible (even if it's done badly - just go over it again and edit and/or add to it like you've written or expressed a bad first draft of an essay) - about what happened, what or who is responsible for any actions carried out, who involved is at fault if applicable (figured out if it was done intentionally knowing full well what would happen detrimentally if the action is carried out, rather than as a genuine unintentional mistake that wouldn't be repeated if known through hindsight), and it's impacts, and what we can do to repair it, as well as how and, as an extra motivating incentive, why. Once that process is delved into, you'll get closer to figuring out how to make insightful use of the problematic situation to lessen the harm as well as to work towards a better place simultaneously. That way, you can begin that process of forgiveness and justifying it with a stronger, compelling reason to remove holding onto the heavily crippling burden, and along with that, justify your emotional pain and suffering and consequently answer them so that they then begin to stabilise in return for you walking that process through, theoretically/psychologically/analytically and practically. With this, you don't forget or have excused or "brushed it off"... but you justified it by learning about it. And that's good because it's a piece of wisdom that serves as memorable tool for your toolkit.

[@leighwatson1861]

I forgive someone but I will never forget just lose trust

[@tammybettiga6263]

People don't own .. their place in the pain and usage of another human being..

[@emkruz9391]

I needed this so badly today thank you

[@selfhelpchampion9664]

Thanks Julia🙏❤️, forgiveness is a process. I use a recording of Leo when I struggle to forgive. It's available at our blog selfhelpchampion under Therapy

[@camillemorse5039]

this video was very helpful

[@KoolT]

3:29 major point

[@jenniferlee1410]

So glad I found this channel :)

[@sarabrooke6710]

So refreshing and helpful - thank you :))

[@yossora3892]

I hated myself due to someone who broken me . I am scared he would be stronger than me and got what he wanted from me. He is studying the same sbject with me , this drove me so anxious

[@ret4128]

Love your videos! Thank you so much!

[@dorismorales9382]

This was very helpful

[@rbc143]

Hi! I am back. Your videos are really helpful & supportive. Thank you.🌹

[@rbc143]

Is it possible to keep from swiping distance from a spouse? There is no divorce in our country. We live together.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

Super helpful, thank you so much 😊

[@sugarandspice2136]

I feel super stuck. I'm wondering if unaddressed traumas would be a contributing factor.

[@bryannelee5636]

Hi Julia! What if the person that we're struggling to forgive is our spouse?

[@brianhotaling5849]

Forgiveness implies acceptance of the wrong. That what I bridle against.

[@beccarees2795]

Great video. Thank you! How do you communicate that to the person you're trying to forgive? How do you say you're keeping your distance? I don't wanna hurt her, but can't afford to be around her. She's toxic, and we share a father. Struggling with this one.

[@MariaSantos-gm7ps]

Thanks was great.

[@nicolestamegna5887]

Thank you 🙏

[@Shan0714SLS]

Introducing myself… Hi I’m Shannon, I’ve been trying to forgive for years and I don’t know how to let the hurt go

[@naturewitch8687]

Love this thank you 🙏