How To Grieve | Coping With Death

[@latteARCH]

Lost my mom to COVID a few weeks ago. She was so young. Still feels so surreal.

[@Elrohof]

Loss always comes too early. I hope you're doing okay friend.

[@shallowgrey]

I want to say first I hope you're doing well and I wish you and your family peace at this time. The surrealness is normal, and healthy. I lost my mother to cancer 8 years ago, I was 18 at the time. I had no prior experience losing someone so close to me. I've realized and rerealized a handful of times over the last 8 years that I hadn't grieved correctly and still wasn't done. I'm still not done. That being said, you are in the right place. No one knows the right way to grieve but seeking guidance will bring you so much closer to peace so much more gracefully. I trashed my life as result of having no guidance. I wouldn't want the same for anyone. I hope you find your way. I hope you find the closure you need and deserve.

[@latteARCH]

@@shallowgrey Thank you for your kind words. I also wish you well.

[@jf6636]

@@Elrohof so sorry to hear about the passing of your mom. Hold close the special time you had with her and pass that kindness on to others. That might keep her spirit alive in you. Best to you....🙏

[@devonwhite9398]

I lost my father to covid a couple weeks ago. I feel your pain. Stay strong much love ❤️

[@Martha_My_Dear]

Recently lost my 16 years old dog. We shared life since I was 8. I don't even remember a birthday without him. I feel like life will never be the same and the sadness won't go. I don't even like living in my own house anymore. Thanks for this

[@emilka2033]

Losing animals is hard, it's a different process than grieving people but it hurts nonetheless. I still dream of the pet I lost years ago :(

[@shinyary2]

@@emilka2033 Same. I lost my cat about two years ago and just had a dream last night about her jumping up into my lap, curling up, and gazing up at me lovingly, like she used to. I still miss her so much that it's hard to think of getting another cat.

[@juliai6656]

I feel that so much right now.

[@samuri2011]

I feel you.... My dog passed in 2017. I had her since I was 10. She was like 12 years old ... Still hurts to this day. Pets are family. I didn't even feel like being in my house either. .... You will heal from it. But it might still hurt and that's okay.

[@emb7854]

I have grieved the loss of my dog more than the loss of people. It's been more than a year, but that dog was the only support system I had, and loved me unconditionally. It's not a contest, but the loss of a pet is profound.

[@Densoro]

I've had a long time to think about this -- what a 'normal, natural' death looks like, and its opposites. In 2013, my stepdad died of lymphoma. I had been trying to get a job and help him support our family for _seven years, but I couldn't get a single godforsaken interview._ My prospects didn't get any better after he died. My mom, sister, and I became homeless. Living in squalor killed my cat. I held her as she died screaming. It nearly killed my mom too. Now I'm her full-time caretaker while she's on an oxygen machine, in addition to _finally having a job._ My jobs kept sending me to the hospital from stress-induced seizures, left me bedridden for nine months. _And then_ we got a pandemic dropped on our heads. My partner got covid and we feared for their life, talked about the end. Thankfully, for once my worst intuitions didn't come true. I can't help but respond to every situation as a life-or-death threat. Especially when there's a direct causal link between my stepdad's lack of affordable care, and his early demise in his 30s. Between stagnant wages and _more death, more starvation, more hopelessness._ People say I'm 'lashing out' because I want people to _stop killing my fucking family while I still have one._ I don't have the comfort of a next life. This is it for us, and I don't know how to protect it. Bereavement is my new normal. I didn't realize how unnatural this was until Dr. K started measuring it in _months._

[@HJOTech]

You're doing an incredible job and are so strong. My situation isn't close to yours in terms of direness, but the responding to every situation as a life-or-death threat is very relatable. My dad died in 2016 from brain cancer and I helped care for him the last year and a half of his life. Multiple midnight trips to the hospital which kind of forced me to have to set aside my emotions in order to do what needed to be done. Now 6 years later and any kind of stress just boils over and I panic. I took a year and a half off work and i'm only just now fully recovering and processing everything. Trying to not look at everything so black and white is really difficult and any kind of stressor gets me from 0 to 100

[@RitheSLy]

Thank you for answering this Dr. K. Personally, I've just lost all of the adults in my immediate family (Dad, grandma, and grandpa) within the past 5 months due to Covid and it's hard to get through some days without them.

[@Noltur]

My condolences, Hope you find the power to cope with the current situation. May your loved ones rest in peace.

[@joshuavanzant962]

I am so sorry

[@TeamArcain]

I'm so sorry for you. Sending loving energy :)

[@peylmao]

damn, man. that fucking sucks to hear. as someone who went through the exact same thing, i can tell you that it DOES get better. just keep pushing bro. make them proud. ❤

[@soyandoat4106]

I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family

[@afriendofepicproportions]

I lost my dad a few weeks ago unexpectedly. He loved to collect and polish rocks, and tried to walk across the frozen river to collect sandbar pebbles when he broke and fell into the ice. It was very sudden, and has made life hard to handle recently. Your videos always arrive at just the right time! Thank you for this.

[@paulmoore5392]

Man, I really needed this. I lost my dad back in January to a workplace accident. Wasn't sick or anything, just one minute he's here and then the next he's dead. Grieving has been hard when me and my family have been getting calls from insurance companies, my dad's work and tons of other things that needed to get done since he didn't have a will. Its been hard, but we are doing the best we can

[@SkyForceHunter]

I suddenly and horrifically lost my dad 7 months ago, not too long after my 21st birthday and officially becoming an adult. a few months after he passed I left my stressful but promising career because I was struggling with the PTSD that I had from his passing, and it didn't help when I started having an identity crisis, because my dad worked in IT and I was pretty good at it too so I ended up going down a similar path in life that he did and I was happy with that because he was my role model, I think I wanted to be just like him so I probably mimic'd a lot of aspects of him. So when he passed my whole life changed, I didn't really know who I was supposed to be or what I was supposed to do anymore. I didn't feel so invincible, if someone who put his family and everyone he met before himself could disappear like that then idk. I'm still struggling to figure out what kind of life I want to live without him here, I just know I want to live without regrets, so I think I want to start by travelling with a friend of mine, meeting new people and visiting new places in my country and hopefully the world when covid passes, it was something I've always wanted to do. So hopefully I can learn more about myself and what I want to do in this life.

[@yerchick]

Lost my mom today. And I agree it feels so surreal. But I'm glad there is plenty of helpful info on this channel.

[@huevonesunltd]

How are you feeling right now that its been 7 months? I lost my mom to cancer yesterday.

[@アレンR]

Thank you so much Dr. K for doing a video on this topic. It's something that I struggle with a lot after my Dad passed.

[@louiserasmussen1903]

Lost my husband for 13 years in October to suicide. Thanks so much for making this video, it really hits alot of things i was wondering about, like how do I accept mentally he's no longer here, the identity issue, ptsd comments, etc. It also helped on the part how to relate to our 7 y/o son, how do i help him in this mess that it still is. Amazing video❤ thanks for making amazing videos in general.

[@Sarah-sq8fk]

Sending so much love, I'm so sorry for your loss.

[@bakamono2630]

""What is grief, if not love persevering?" -Vision

[@likejuggler5751]

Grandad died on new years eve been thinking about him the last few days I needed this thanks

[@cchris3026]

Had just lost a loved one just a few days ago (my step-cousin who I saw as a mother figure to a mom (who passed away when I was younger) that was abusive to me) and the reddit post for this video really hit home to me cause my dad dealt with both the losses of both in a religion view where I'm more of a flexible kind of person when it comes to religion. Thank u for this really, I'm still dealing with both of their losses step by step at a time

[@AerickCristobal]

I wish I had this 6 years ago. But it still helpful for me today, I could finally understand myself now, the grief I have to go through and why I feel all those emotions. Thank you so much Dr. K!

[@disneybunny45]

My grandpa died this past Christmas Eve. I haven't really grieved in the way where I am crying for hours at a time. Because my family isn't on my mind all the time, and because I don't live with them anymore, I kinda forget that he died. When I do think of him, grief just washes over me. I have two songs that I loved before he died, Distance by Mammoth WVH and Legend by Twenty One Pilots, but now makes me so sad every single time I listen to them. One day, all it took was seeing a postcard for the Vietnam memorial to make me start crying. Just writing this is making me cry at work. I really miss that grumpy old man.

[@rizzardofaus]

I lost my mum two years ago, entered some unhealthy gaming habits afterwards. But thankful I was able to be kind to myself, and with some support from my partner and therapist was able to make positive changes

[@GrampaPiggie]

I moved out at 18 and my dad died four months later. I didn't cope well at all and continued to grieve for another five years. Just as I was beginning to really process and unpack those emotions his mom passed away. I was several hundred miles away and couldn't attend the funeral. That same week my husband and I had a divorced. I moved back in with my mom and brother and two months later my brother committed suicide. Fast forward about 14onths and my mom's dad passed away. Leaving me with no dad, no grandparents, no brother, and my closest friends gone (i.e. my brother and ex.) I still have my mom, and I still have a few close friends, I still have my passions and drive for life. I still push to be happy and to be a good father for my son. I've had an incredibly trying time as a young adult dealing with tremendous loss. I know that in one, three, five, ten years and beyond I will look back on this time in my life and know that I am better for it. The aspect of that I still struggle with is knowing that they won't be there to see it. I'm not religious, but I am spiritual, and there are times when I feel that those that have passed are still with me. Whether that's legitimate or something I tell myself to feel better, it genuinely brings me comfort. I have become a stable person at 25 years old. I'm still living with my mom which some might look down on, but I know that for right now it's what's best for me and her. I have a home with support, she's getting old so she has someone to help take care of things, she has the opportunity to be in her grandchild's life, and I know that having her last son around is comforting for her. She pushes me towards my passions and encourages me to be the best human I can be. Despite the circumstances, things are going really well in my life and I can't lose sight of how special that is.

[@samuri2011]

I'm not currently grieving a death... But my mom has cancer and it metastisized in many places.... I feel like I might loose her and she doesn't want to be treated with chemo. I know I have to respect her journey and I don't get to choose what she does. I feel like I'm addition to anxiety and panic, im grieving potential loss .. and grieving the quality of time lost. This isn't how I wanted to spend my life with my mom .... I'm grieving that everyday .. ...

[@deceasedblujay]

how do you grieve someone who hasn’t died? like a father who abandoned you?

[@catcraze8673]

You know, one of my cats passed away back in october, and that cat has been with me pretty much since I was born. For some reason when he died I cried a bit, and was sad, but like I couldn't never really had time to think about it since I literally started my job the day after we put him down and that's pretty much always on my mind. I'm not really sure how I should feel about death. Should I feel sad? I'm not sure how to think about it so I usually cope by spending large amounts of money or video games.

[@MunchMeisterVT]

My two dogs passed away within the last 2 weeks, my husky in particular had to be put down due to cancer. I'm broken, life has been too tough and cruel for me... I was already broken to begin with but life decided to just screw with me and make it worse.

[@Rafael-iv4mw]

It really hurts. My dog passed away yesterday. How are you feeling today? Did you find a way to cope with it?

[@Mio_Takahashi_]

But for real, thank you so much! The bit about accepting that you depended on them for identity and other things And having to learn how to move on without that source of identity, and find optimism in replacing said source my allocating it amongst other things and loved ones and whatnot It means a lot

[@BSENKevin]

46:20 thank you. I needed this for not talking to my dad for 6 years and then when I saw him on his death bed I could not have a back, and forth with him (due to lungs being full of fluid). I just wish I would have talked sooner.

[@tamiemi]

My mom died today unexpectedly. I'm scared for the future. During my teenage I figured if I couldn't live for myself I might do it for the most important person in my life, my mom. My dreams and goals revolved around her. Get a good job doing what I love, take her to nice restaurants and trips. Let her live a calm simple life without having to worry about money. She was my spark. I will keep going for her but I hope I find my own spark because right now I'm just wandering with borrowed lights. Thank you doctor.

[@miut7995]

So sorry for your loss.. I can definitely relate.

[@omnithewolf3628]

Both my parents went on trips to visit their own dying parents. My dad went to Mexico, my mom to California. What timing.

[@nickx1754]

41:30 They probably want me to be happy...they might want me to be happy...when I die and go to Heaven we can talk it out...maybe they'll be pissed...we'll find out. That whole scenario had me losing it XD Very useful information on this topic. I don't think I can express just how grateful I am for Dr. K.

[@zad0k91]

1:02:00 comparing never getting laid to never scuba diving is such a joke. If the two were comparable, every lonely or rejected guy could just pay for sex and be fine with life. Most guys who do this still feel lonely. Getting laid is tied to a woman liking you and being attracted to you enough to want to share that intimate experience with you. We want women to *want* us. She could've had sex with any guy but she selected *me*. Its a self worth thing. Study after study shows that not having an intimate relationship takes its toll on men psychologically and physiologically. You literally die younger. Its not like fucking not scuba diving. Dr. K is smart enough to know this.

[@5u5annah]

David Kessler videos has been helpful and John Delony. For me it's like I can't stifle my emotions and have to cry it out but know that they are in a better place. There are so many things to grieve si like it's not only just death of a person but loss or death of things/situations. Also my faith in God had been helpful.

[@FedericoResnizky]

Hi everyone, I don't want to be insensitive, but I was wondering... I had to cut my relationship with my parents because it was becoming an unhealthy relationship in which they depended more and more on me for almost everything, they did not respect my limits or my schedules, for example they called me during my work hours just because they were bored and they wanted to talk for hours, and if I didn't answer they took it as if I wasn't interested. It may be that some aspects of bewilderment, grief and mourning look very similar or are the same, even if I have the fortune to restart the relationship with them again?

[@levelup2014]

How come Dr.K doesn’t post interview’s anymore?

[@sebastianmartinez5508]

Apparently it is because some drama haters made. I hope it's just a temporary pause because interviews are so helpful

[@hFactorial]

Because he has been reported to the board of psychology for unethical practice

[@whackoization]

What if the grief hits you after 16months

[@99sins]

Free Churro type beat

[@WillLarkin]

6:52 that youtube chick on her smear campaign is not gonna be happy about this

[@WillLarkin]

16:00 uh oh shes gonna be back for this one

[@jimjam751]

Thank god for Dr. k

[@painandpleasure8704]

Healthy gamer. I recently lost my girlfriend of 2 years to suicide. Idk im at a loss for words. Its only been a month. Yea the world is just a dark shade of grey. Im getting better at hiding my sadness from coworkers and family. I feel like im getting colder and meaner

[@capricious_cat]

Hey I'm so sorry for your loss. My boyfriend of almost 2 years passed away recently. It feels so surreal and I don't know how I'm going to continue without him. I wish you the best my friend.

[@capricious_cat]

@ChrisJohnson-lh9qb I'm sorry you have to go through this as well. I hope you are doing well. I'm trying my best and that's honestly what I can do right now. Sending love and support from California.

[@painandpleasure8704]

@xiaolinwen2928 I'm so sorry for your loss. I know this is absolutely the worst time of my life still I can only imagine of what your going through yourself. I hope you find peace and solace

[@painandpleasure8704]

@ChrisJohnson-lh9qb I'm from west texas. I'm sorry for your huge loss and what your going through and what you been going through.

[@emilka2033]

When I was 12 I lost my mom to an aggressive cancer that took her life within a year, it was very traumatizing for me. We couldn't afford treatment in the U.S. so she was gone overseas in Poland for 6 months over the winter. When I came to visit after the school year she was unrecognizable to me. The cancer had withered her away, she couldn't even walk without assistance. After she died I couldn't close my eyes without seeing her. It was like everything around me reminded me of the tragedy that had unfolded. It took a very long time (3 years) before I would say I was done "grieving" but, honestly, I don't think the pain ever goes away. You just learn how to deal with it.

[@latteARCH]

Sorry for your loss... When my mom passed that feeling of 'tragedy' stayed with me. I still feel it sometimes. Hope you're dealing with it well.

[@Sean.F]

Summarizing for myself, thought I'd post it too. *Mourning Process - Adapting to Grief:* 1. Accepting the *Loss* - the absence sinking in over time, not all at once. A noticeable gap in everyday life. 2. Accepting the *CONSEQUENCES* of the Loss - the way it changed your life and trajectory, the things you might suddenly not have due to it (Like Safety, Constancy, Support, etc) 3. *Identity* - Comes from external world, and the people around us + how they perceive us. Identity might change from loss, if they provided us a sense of identity. Both the world and our place in it becomes uncertain. 4. Change our *relationship* to the object of loss - The lost stick with us in how they changed us and affect us even after they are gone, the relationship is still there but it has to change to not hurt us. 5. Regain capacity to *Thrive* - happens slowly over the process of mourning, not really an active step? But the main focus, to process / integrate the aspects of grief that bring us low (Confusion, Uncertainty, etc) and return to baseline. 6. *Optimism and happiness* - FeelsGoodMan

[@i_enjoyed_codghost7802]

I just wanna see my grandma again. I'd do anything... After she passed away in August my life has gone to complete shit. She would know what to do and help everyone. God it's just not fair.

[@TheDBZEDITOR]

I relate to this so bad. My grandma died in 2011 and I still wish I could see her one more time.

[@AmoritaStorre]

30:16 Dr K is being playfully savage tonight, lol. Thank you for this video. I experienced my first loss a bit over a year ago. What struck me most was how ill-equipped I was to think about it, to make any sense of it. Surprisingly, the best analogy I have to date is with a video game. For a while, I felt like I was teleported to an unknown location, separate from my usual world map, everything around covered with fog. There was only one interactable item in this location, which was something like an empty portal. I kept coming to it and kept trying to interact with it, even though the rest of my world map was available to me. But I wanted figure it out, what that portal was, and what I'm supposed to do with it, since the developer had put it there. I kept at it, as if it was a puzzle. Until one day (about 11 months in) I finally realized where I was. I've spent nearly a year on the doorstep to the kingdom of the dead (saying this shit as an atheist is weird, but it is what it is). I kept trying to send signals to the dead (i.e. my regret, my sorrow, my grief, my fears). I also realized that the interaction was one-way only. This item would take however much energy I wanted to pour into it, no problem, but it was never going to give back. That's its mechanic. It's not evil, it's just how the player-item interaction had been programmed. Upon realizing it, I suddenly felt relieved; the puzzle felt solved, even though I did not get much from solving it directly. What I did get, was the feeling that I can, and I should, return to my usual map, because there are more rewarding and more plentiful things to do there. I still have so many unfinished quests; I can remember my lost cousin by visiting the places we knew together, by doing the things in the world we used to do. Basically, Dr K's 'you have a life to live'. My mom, who lost her brother and both parents, told me the same thing when I asked her about her loss. I can now relate.

[@skatejessem]

As a gamer I like this analogy a lot.

[@EtamirTheDemiDeer]

Much love to everyone here that has lost, be it a person a pet or even a romantic/platonic relationship. I’ve read them all since it’s only at 57 comments, but one day I won’t be able to read them all and I just want to say my heart hurts with you

[@vuyanimavuma308]

Lost my best friend to suicide a exactly a month ago... watching this helped, Thanks Dr. K

[@lulah3783]

My sincere condolences dear.

[@vuyanimavuma308]

@@lulah3783 i appreciate it, it’s gotten a lot easier

[@TheTintedHalo]

Commenting before watching, but I've always felt that there was something wrong with me because of how I responded to my grandfather's passing. My grandparents' house was connected to ours through the backyards, so I saw them all the time, so it isn't like we weren't close, but they were much older than my friends' grandparents. Enough that they were never really close confidants who knew my deepest thoughts, fears, etc. I was probably too young to recognize how lucky I was to even have grandparents alive, much less ones that lived next door, so I probably took them for granted. Now to the actual part about his passing. My grandfather was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease at the latter stage of his life, well after I was born, and although he was strong and took care of himself, Parkinson's doesn't care. I had to watch it turn him into a shell of him former self, all the while knowing he was petrified of dying in general. It would end up being that same disease that would take his life, and despite being just outside of the hospital room as he took his last breath, I never truly knew, and still don't know, if I ever grieved, or if it was/is necessary that I do. I loved him, of course, but the only time I felt any extreme welling up of emotion related to it was when I saw how it impacted the other people in my life. His passing absolutely wrecked my sister (as I thought it would me), and it was in trying to comfort her grieving that I found myself finally crying, or when my other grandfather, a World War 2 veteran, stoic as a stone, walked down the church isles to salute at my grandfather's passing that I found myself breaking down. In fact, oddly enough at the wake I broke down when one of my uncles asked me if I would be willing to carry the casket. But in none of these memories do I remember myself crying to the fact that my grandfather, who I loved so much, was gone. Not at the wake, not at the funeral, not even at the hospital. I don't know if it's just a concept that my brain still fails to comprehend, but I've lost countless pets and all but one grandparent at this point, so I don't think that's it. Maybe it's somehow related to the fact that I know that his passing ended his suffering with Parkinson's? Who knows. I don't think I'm at the point where I can say that I've made peace with the fact that I'll die one day either, so I genuinely don't know if how I went about "processing" my grandfather's passing was somehow "incorrect". I hope this video provides me with some insight/closure in that regard. For additional context I like to think I'm super emotional person who has no problem crying in front of others. My girlfriend will readily admit how easily and comfortably I can and will cry to/at life events, shows and movies, etc if the mood strikes.

[@savagedoggo]

I've had a similar experience. When I was 11, my older sister passed away from cancer. She drowned in lung fluid in her sleep, which was a horrific thing for 11 year old me to see, thankfully I wasn't there for the last breath. The only time I cried was when we got home from the hospital that day, and it hit me then that she was really gone. I didn't cry after that, didn't cry at the funeral, nothing after that, just numbness. I haven't finished the video, but hopefully I can figure out if that's normal or not? Just know you're not alone in feeling that way.

[@oliverpinder7221]

I had the same thing with my grandfather. I believe due to my autism I felt very unaffected and instead found the people around me being sad affected me more.

[@just_dont_do_it2883]

same, i can cry to anime or even to manga but when my close friend died to suicide i didnt cry at all and i barley felt "sad" i tried to force myself to cry but i just couldn't and i think it weirded out my friends and family when it just seemed that i didnt care that much. my mom took away my knives because she was worried (i have openly told my parents that i have thought of hurting myself in the past) and my dad had a long talk to me about "making sure im happy" i was just unaffected. i haven't had any close family die, but when that time comes i really hope i at least cry

[@_Malvar]

congratulations, you are made of stone. i would rather feel nothing than feel grief for people I've lost

[@TheTintedHalo]

@@_Malvar lmao I wish. For some reason, it's just deaths in particular that have never seem to hit me all that hard. Maybe it's just the fact that it's inevitable that I subconsciously accept. Who knows. In all other realms of life I'm as emotional as they come.

[@orly2663]

i got hella anxiety about this Ukraine war, a stream about how to deal pls

[@TheSolaceOfSilence]

I wish he went into the eastern perspective! I just went through a bit of an existential crisis myself being agnostic/atheist and it would be helpful to see other perspectives on life. It's easy to slip into nihilism as an agnostic/atheist. Dr.K if you're reading this, can you make a second part of this video?

[@mofire5674]

It seems he's been getting a lot of crap for talking about those things so he seems especially hesitant. Maybe i'm wrong but that might be why.

[@pencil6965]

agreed I hope he talks more from non-western perspective

[@karrrot]

you should check out his interview with Ludwig, he talked about his beliefs regarding death there

[@emb7854]

I was wondering if there'd be a link to that somewhere. Also interested!

[@some_hollow_bones]

It's eerie how well timed this dropped, I just came back from my grandma's funeral. First time I've lost a loved one.

[@Yellow.1844]

damn im sorry bro take your time and take care of yourself

[@sweg8862]

Been there. Wishing you well bud

[@captainmickey4084]

Yeah similar situation here, just today I found out that over the weekend one of the seniors in my schools marching band got in a car wreck and it killed him and his dad and now most of the school is grieving. This is really my first experience with this stuff and it’s really rough seeing my friends all shut down and teachers break down in class.

[@Rachel-uq1bn]

Same. My grandma died last week and I’ve never lost anyone before

[@RedfernInkanina]

Thank you for this, Dr. K. I have to put my 16y/o dog to sleep in 6 hours and I don't even know where to go from there. I hope all of you watching can grieve and heal in time.

[@saybecks]

I'm hoping everything is well with you. I lost my soul-dog at 15.5 years November 23, 2020. Definitely at the point where it's considered prolonged grief and getting help for it. But from what I've gathered so far... Remember the good times. When they visit you in your dreams, be thankful, not sad. They're always with you, even if they're just waiting over the rainbow bridge.

[@ConnorKrohnicles]

When I lost my older sister 15 years ago, I was 8 years old. It’s quite different because I was so young, but even though I think I’ve “moved on” I still think about her or feel sad and cry. But I no longer think about her actively every day. I’m able to do things and talk to people without her death lingering in my mind. If something comes up that reminds me of her I’ll talk about her or the things she did for me and others and I feel comfortable doing so. Saying that she’s gone doesn’t feel as crushing anymore. It’s sad, yes. But my memories of her are bittersweet in a sort of nostalgic way. I’m glad to have had her as a sister and even after my parents divorce and remarriage to different partners, and getting another sister through this, I always say that I have 2 sisters.

[@aximat]

This was so perfectly timed and I thought it was actually recommended to me based on recent search history. My cat who’s been a member of our household for 17 years passed away 2 nights ago. We had to put him down due to a severe and untreatable blood clot that caused him intense pain and it hurts so much to think he’s gone now. I wasn’t even there when it all happened since I’m currently in college away from home. I was kept up to date on everything through phone calls with my parents while they were at the vet, and it was obvious each phone call they got more and more worried and I could hear the hurt in their voice more and more. This is the first death I’ve dealt with since my grandmother passing when I was only like 5. This one hits different though because I couldn’t imagine not having him around so suddenly after living with him for most my life. I’m exactly like OP in how I’ve been trying to deal with it so far. I still don’t think I’ve fully processed the whole thing yet. I feel like next time I come home to visit my parents, it’s gonna hurt a lot when I notice his absence since he’ll usually greet me immediately with head rubs and lots of excited meows. Just the thought of not having that experience anymore hurts a lot. I wish I could’ve spent more time with him before he passed, but there were no warning signs, and no way we could’ve known this would happen so soon. RIP Ivan, I’m gonna miss you so much little buddy 😢

[@JediBunny]

I’m really grateful for this video. I feel death, dying and grieving have been so sanitised in the modern world; it often feels impossible to process them in a truly meaningful and organic way. I myself am a skeptical agnostic, but with an inclination toward wanting to be more spiritual, at least toward more Eastern modalities. I’m still grappling with losing my mom two years ago - with many of the same sentiments OP has regarding struggling with the notion that I’ll never see my mom, nor anyone else I’ve lost, or will lose, ever again. It’s a very hollow, nihilistic and existential dread-inducing feeling for me. Thank you, Dr. K through walking us through many of the steps and concepts I wish we learned early in life either through family, school, or culture.

[@Xarkom89]

My stance is totally the same as yours, I have yet to lose a loved one and I dread the day it happens. But honestly part of skeptic agnostics stance on life is giving me honest questions as to if I should ever have children almost to the level of antinatalism. If I'm to suffer my days in the future with the loss of my parents and siblings, would it not be cruel to just make a new life and make them suffer those same issues when I pass?

[@Power_Cosmic27]

Lost both of my parents to a car accident recently. They were everything to me. It was so sudden and the aftermath so surreal. I didn't get to say goodbye. Our situation was not the best beforehand either, employment, covid and issues with other family. I had to sort and pack up or throw away all their things and leave our residence within a week. Have been bouncing from place to place since then. The parts about losing enthusiasm for life are so dead on. I don't feel like doing anything anymore and keep asking myself "whats the point?". They will never see my future, marriage, kids, any level of success. It all seems impossible and pointless now.

[@flatbread42]

I’m religious and it’s still difficult for me. I lost my grandpa a few months ago and got a rough diabetes diagnosis just a few weeks ago. It’s shaken up my world a lot and I’ve been angry. Really glad you make these videos to respond to specific community members and give general advice as well, you’re making a difference.

[@pikachuuprising637]

I am too. I lost my mother to Ovarian cancer. But listening to the notion of "She's no longer suffering" or "She's in God's Glory" does not help sometimes nor feels comforting.

[@pandurlolgg5780]

Guy from Europe here. I would love to know how to deal with anxiety about an upcoming war, which might end up in WW3. Any help is welcome, not only Dr. K's ...

[@yapparichuuni]

In general mostly ignore medias and social medias. They sensationalize and fear monger while never painting the full and accurate picture, because fear is what makes them money.

[@TheGlowingOnee]

Relax, it’s not gonna get to that point. No country would let Russia do that shit

[@mahaleygarland5751]

Great video. I lost my husband 2 years ago to an autoimmune disease. I lost my grandmother who raised me a year ago due to liver and kidney disease. I lost my dog of 13 years in January. I definitely understand the change in identity. I was lost after caring for my husband while he was sick. You have so many great points and the video was just overall helpful!!

[@mariannatatarska1140]

just in point, entering my "friendship ending" moment

[@Polibo3836]

Literally just needed this as well, friendship has ended long ago but I haven't given myself much time to grieve. It's been on my mind a lot since yesterday

[@7TwistedAshes]

@@Polibo3836 I'm doing something similar. My friendship with this group ended a year ago, haven't had the time to grieve until now..

[@bapbirb]

Yeah. I grew up with adhd and as an adult, moving to new area really took a toll on my life. And I realised how my friends and I are at a very different place in life where it makes it harder for us to connect.. I know it has to do with my personal struggle of not being able to catch up to my neurotypical friends and watching them thrive, but I know that I need to let go. Because I was continuously living in the past and being unable to let it go where we were all kids with no worries and responsibilities. And having a common ground was kind of a given thing different from how it is now as we are adults. But they all have moved on long time ago and are happy in their present life. It hurts and I hate myself for it but I just need to let go so that I can work on myself and not be discouraged.

[@mariannatatarska1140]

@@bapbirb I'm not adult yet and I haven't had many friends as a child so I don't exactly understand your perspective. but I understand having hard time with letting go and :((( I know it hurts. hope you will be better 💜

[@owie2813]

@@bapbirb this really spoke to me thank you for this

[@SeiichirouUta]

I once read these few, scary, but true words... of all the places it was on boredpanda. The question was "What is nobody ever prepared for?" Answer: "The death of a parent. No matter how young/old." I lost my granny 1 1/2 years ago. She was old. 91. She had a very good life. Her death came in the form of cancer, but one that kills you within a few weeks. We always knew she would leave within the next few years. Yet it tore our small family apart. Especially my cousin (a woman mid40s) could hardly cope and so she was angry at everyone who didn't "grieve enough". My mum didn't have time to grieve. She was the one who had to take care of everything, because her mother had only given her authority. My cousin outright hated her. Even at the funeral she refused to talk to my mother. So pitiful. The disappointment, the anger.... it all took our chance, to properly say goodbye to our great/grand/mother one last time. When my grandfather died, we all had healed the pain within half a year. Thanks to my cousin's hate I'm still not quite over this loss. It took me so much time to process, that - except for my mother - I don't have a family anymore. So the thought of losing my mum... uh... no.

[@pnw8836]

Lost my mom last week although it was somewhat expected, good timing on this upload

[@brendyturo]

As someone who is dealing with two important friends deaths within a week apart, I really needed this, thanks Dr K

[@EtamirTheDemiDeer]

Oh damn, that’s rough. I’m sorry for your losses

[@brendyturo]

@@EtamirTheDemiDeer thank you

[@miguelalvarado3433]

My mother passed this Wednesday morning.thank you for this.

[@samuri2011]

Sorry for your loss. ... This is so hard

[@avoidthevo1d]

Strangely enough, i have the exact opposite of this problem. There have been many deaths recently in my family, and well, i didn't care for even a single one of them. I don't think i cared about that even in my childhood. However, back then it was because of confusion, rather than ignorance. And in the end, i never cared for a death of anyone in my life, when even my dad was crying, i just stood there thinking about my stuff.

[@dale6947]

I'm like you. I think its only a problem if you were close to them. If it was an aunt you barely knew then its understandable. If its something like losing a parent or sibling and you don't care then I would be concerned.

[@fionafiona1146]

I would imagine it also could be an issue if it was in authentic or you generally suppress your emotions to the point of not coping. On of the families I babysit for had the mom cope with PTSD 5 to 20 years after the traumatic events since she couldn't gett 400hours of work in months she needed distraction in.

[@TheThorRs]

The fact that his person is able to notice this is pretty cool. When I lost my dad when I was 12, I was told the same thing "it was his time to go and we'll see him some day". It wasn't till I grew up and started to greive him in my special way that I felt some sort of sad happiness. I still cry when I think of the future I was robbed from, but at least that crying is real as appose to fake crying that I was conditioned to do.

[@pencil6965]

yea i was in my teens when he passed and it doesn't get easier tbh, the grief just changes form

[@sincalo]

same here tbh it just didn't get any easier

[@Xaelyrion]

My dog died three months ago, and my dad died a few weeks ago. On top of recent events, this has caused emotional reaction in me I never thought I'd have. My anxiety has attacked me in a way I've never felt before. It has been mental torture.

[@missdragon5892]

Hey - how are you holding up now? Things going okay?

[@Lilcabinfever]

This is very interesting to listen to I’ve been going through a big health scare lately, I’m only 22 and I have a unknown lesion in my head and mass in my neck (neck biopsy inconclusive)and chest. I am getting everything checked but a big fear of the unknown and I keep listening to this channel lately to distract myself.

[@ouranji76]

Having the same trouble too. Thr thought of the unknown really scare me

[@FaalKoriim]

I had a rough childhood filled with very little love. Two years ago, I adopted two kittens, one named Pastel and the other Little Lady. Lady was the only living thing I have ever bonded with. We were so good with reading each other and learned each other quickly. The memories I have of her are of the very few memories that make me smile. She absolutely made life seem worth it. She was a strong anchor in why I hadn't opted out of life. I had to put her down in December due to fluid buildup around her heart. I still cry every single time I think of her. I'm terrified I will never love another creature again. My favorite memories of her were how she would stand up into my hand when I went to pet her. God, she loved to practically slam her head into my hand. She was always so excited to see me when I came home. One time she saw me standing in front of the front door looking outside. From a different room, she comes hauling ass toward me, bounces off a table, into a counter, onto a box, and then onto my chest where I barely catch her. And then she just stares outside, happy as can be. I still have no idea what compelled her to do it that dramatically, but goddamn I loved her so much. She was so freaking cute and warm and affectionate. I miss it. I miss her so, so much. I don't know how I'll ever get past it, losing the first thing I ever truly and deeply loved.

[@sharonlujan9497]

Hey I can really relate to what you are saying . I basically never bonded w anyone till i got my cat!!! I ve always bonded well w animals , cause I basically had no one growing up also I kinda raised myself/

[@Moose92411]

When my grandfather passed in 2018, it took me about 4 months to reach the “normal living” mark again. I chalk that up to being raised in a home with very clear, open communication. I was able to get my feelings out in a safe, open atmosphere where everyone else was feeling similar things and expressing them in their own way. I’m very thankful, in retrospect, that I was able to remain at my job, be present for my family, including two young children, and begin grad school shortly afterward. I didn’t understand at the time how lucky I was. Now I do.

[@Nyan_Kitty]

Oh thank God, hallucinations are normal! I'm so glad to hear this ^-^'

[@davif3272]

My dad passed away last night. We didn't have a horrible relationship, although I wouldn't call it healthy either. He was highly religious, and I have shed religion and become an atheist/agnostic. We were ideologically and philosophically a world apart. Our conversations were always tepid, but we always hugged and told each other I love you. Unfortunately, I came to the somber and salient realization that I still have so many I Love You's left, but he's not here to receive them anymore. It's so unbelievably crushing. Hug your loved ones and smother them with I love you. I love you dad.

[@16ShiningUmbreon]

I had to put my dog down in August. She was my soul mate/spirit animal/etc. Very deep bond. I still have dreams of her coming back to life. I am a survivor and she was one of the very few "safe attachments" that I have in my life. I must have missed something in the video because I didn't really get much of a "how to" rather than a "why." She really helped me feel less alone in a world full of humans that are unsafe.

[@dk.2991]

Thank you, Dr. K. I think I needed this.. 6 years since my father passed. Was horrible finally realising how strong he is and then to see him wither away after a battle with cancer.. It triggered a lot of things from past/childhood. I'm still healing. You have been great help in the process. Thank you

[@stormz_cloud]

my best friend went missing in italy and was found lifeless this morning... I'm all over the place rn\

[@Shay416]

💔❤️‍🩹

[@Racers03]

I remember the day I lost my grandma... (not sure if this is related pretext) I had hallucinations, mostly auditory, when I was home alone on that day and I became very very paranoid. I decided to lock myself in my room until my parents came home. It surprised me when they came home in the dead of night, and then I was told that my grandma was admitted to the hospital. My heart dropped. I didn't know what to think, I was still trying to be optimistic throughout the duration that my grandma was admitted in the hospital, after all, she's still alive, just not well. A few days later, she was officially declared dead. At that point, everything came to me. All the doubts and fears I've had for the past few years just rushed into my mind - Questions like "Was I a good grandson?", "Did my grandma resent me for my disobedience sometimes?", "Did she have anything that she wanted to tell me before she passed?" (this last question was because I never got to talk to her since she was unconscious and unable to talk during my visits to the hospital). It all came to me. I barely interacted with her since the pandemic happened, so I didn't feel that much pain at first. However, as the memories came back to hit me, it became quite painful for a little while. Although it didn't strike as hard as my "depressive/panic-attack-ridden period" back in mid 2020, it was still hard to take in. I suppose I got "lucky" with this grieving process as I'd gotten over it (or at least I think I did) in about a month or two. After all, there's still my life for me to live, it would be a shame to just stop living because my grandma passed away, I'm sure she didn't want to see me like that either, so as life moves on, so should I. I do think about her at times and feel slightly melancholic about it, but I would just indulge in it for a little while before I move on with my life again. PS: I am not that religious so religion didn't really play a part in it, it's just me and my thoughts.

[@Chitu_8]

I hope you find your peace in life as I'm sure your grandma would too!

[@sharonlujan9497]

I was pretty stunned when my grandma died because I wasnt allowed to go to her funeral I was heartbroken, because she really was there for me as a child as well as later on!! I MISS YOU GRANDMA.

[@kayanono]

I am extremly scared of losing another person thats important to me. I am extrenly emotional and i know that i am horrible at dealing with death.

[@poiewhfopiewhf]

K i needed this so hard its so validating

[@SatyreIkon]

I'm kinda sorta dual-using this to cope with the death of a cousin whom I didn't really get to know as much as I wanted (I met them for the first time just about a year ago, we got along extremely well, and now he's suddenly dead from a heart attack) and a divorce (no hostilities, no major assets, but my wife will still be... gone). The symptoms and process relating to both are interestingly similar, I find. But this framework helps me accept and deal with both.

[@johndogwater]

I wish I was religious and believed in an afterlife. I think it would make everything so much more manageable. It's a shame you can't just make yourself believe.

[@TheCurlyWonder]

Thank you Dr. K very much for this comprehensive video. I don’t know if questions are ever answered on KZbin or if it’s better for me to go to the subreddit, but I’d love to hear if there are any further thoughts you might have for grief specifically regarding the loss of a partner (as this is specifically what I’m going through), is there enough for an addendum, for example? I ask because I feel like.. it’s such a different grief. Not to compare losses, as that’s impossible, but I wonder if you find that certain types of losses put you more at risk of prolonged grief. It has been nearly a year and I have made no improvements, and in fact, worsened. Maybe it’s because the loss occurred at a time in life where I was still building (late into medical school), rather than the relationship, but, I’ve found widow/widower communities and it seems many many of us have fallen into prolonged grief, because of the nature of the relationship that comes with a spouse. It has so far been an insurmountable loss to deal with and I’ve truly been destroyed by it. I’d love to know your thoughts/your experiences with those who have lost their long term partner, their true love.

[@ciaraskeleton]

Lost my dad when i was 16, then lost about 6 friends, this year i lost another friend, and several more people that i know well but didnt speak to often anymore. Plus around me now people are dealing with grandparent loss or parent loss and are telling me about their passing, funeral arrangements and all death related things. My dad dying never made me fear death, it made me hate cancer, and hate 'God' and hate life. But losing young friends to s*icide, drug abuse, car crashes or illness is another boat entirely. I feel like death hangs around me and that somehow ive cheated it and its gonna come for me soon. I dont understand how so many people in my life are just gone, and how im still here. Life doesnt stop to let you process death, you have to keep living life while your family or friends are literally gone, and gone when they really shouldnt be gone. I think ive probably been in a period of grief since 16, that was the first blow and since then its just been loss, loss, loss, loss, and i understand that it isnt personal, but it sure feels like it at times.

[@Ghoulia17]

I think I disagree with the way Dr. K answered the questions towards the end, I think that the loss people feel about being late bloomers or being bullied is less about identity and more about learning to acknowledge that you didn’t get the kind of life that other people speak of so highly. I was bullied for several years in my childhood, and combined with a lot of rejection around that time, I generally did not get to have a happy and carefree childhood. People always talk about how their childhood was the best years of their life and how adulthood sucks by comparison, but to me, adulthood has allowed me to have the power to not constantly be around people who hated me. But, I do still feel like I’ve lost something, and maybe I wouldn’t feel that way if people didn’t talk so much about their experiences, but it still hurt for a while. I think actively going through the “milestones grief process” helped me deal with that years later. That being said, I really appreciated this video. it helped me better understand the grief I felt when my grandfather passed away a few years ago. Thanks for the great vod once again:)

[@turnipslop3822]

I lost my grandfather when I was 3, I basically grieved for 9 years because I couldn't cope with the lack on the constant "people live forever". I had an existential crisis as a young kid. I lost another grandparent and pets during that time and each time it was extremely devastating. Thank you for making this video, just understanding what happened is very helpful.

[@its_bobby312]

Lost my dad a week ago. I don't know how to feel (Edit. Now I have an idea)

[@Katzerax]

Thanks for making this. Learning to grieve can be such a hard process

[@newbiegain117]

I just hold it all in. There's a time and place to grieve, but currently most of us don't have the luxory.

[@Klay_Dubya]

I think it's really a necessity more than a luxury. Not grieving can twist you up inside and mess you up

[@newbiegain117]

@@Klay_Dubya yes.

[@w00lleymam0th9]

This came out a couple days after my dad died. I watched your interview with aba atlas for like.. the third time before this came out just to hopefully understand what's happening with the emotions i'm feeling and all that

[@SeaGlassAndKiss]

When I was in rehab recovering, I met many amazing people on the same journey as me being there. 5 of them died during that year. Before that I had already lost my grandparents that raised me and cut off the rest of my family due to their addiction. I don't think there is a cure, but thinking about their funny qualities, sometimes even talking to myself and thinking about them when I am alone can help lift my mood. It is anyways something I've used therapy for, not because I judge myself when crying but because I sometimes find myself isolating and not wanting to bond with people out of fear.

[@tasenova2717]

Man it's kinda messed up, but the view count is going to go up randomly from his subscribers seeing this video, once they have their moment of grief. And perhaps it may not be a loved one, but my grandma died Feb 2nd and no he's making this video. It happens to everybody one day more than once.

[@kurarieshiiunanaliakaira1985]

Thank you for great video. I lost my mom to cancer in November 2021 this helped navigate my life and understand my situation.

[@Netbase2000]

This should be taught in schools.

[@scrunky8683]

This is so sad but this helps so much, thank you so much for the words of wisdom.

[@Hayssss]

Pre watch. hoping this helps me, lost my dad back in 2019, then my SO in june 2021. Its been one big downward spiral.

[@gabbyjohnson758]

just lost my grandfather, thanks for video.

[@poli7997]

i told multiple therapists over the course of a few years from when i was ages 16-20, that i had lost my mom since i was 13 and that i don’t think i’ve ever got the mourning and grief about her right and that i’m still dealing w it and it’s bothering me and none of the therapists never went through the grief system with me… why are the best things - including therapy - just found online on youtube for free? thank you, dr.k 🤗🤗

[@bennymountain1]

Dr K, how do we deal with existential dread of war and/or creeping feelings of fear and helplessness in the face of dictatorship overtaking our nation? Last week has been real bad on a lot of people's mental health over here here.

[@meatcube5238]

I've actually had a lot of difficulty with death. The problem I keep running into is that I don't grieve. I don't feel anything. Whenever a friend or family member passes, there's a brief period of shock from the news, then absolutely nothing. I feel guilty for not feeling sad. And it's not because I don't care about people, but because I... don't care about the dead? I feel terrible for the people they left behind, but I don't really care about the person who died. Which makes me question my empathy/humanity and leads me to feeling guilty.

[@donumbenhower7097]

I just lost my 90 year old mom very hard i feel lost im by myself im 54

[@LeMagnifiquePetiteEspirit]

I am sorry that happened. Hope you are doing much better today

[@Chessaisthere]

ur words are like chicken noodle soup for the soul :)

[@allenwalker4703]

This was posted the same day my mom passed away. I still don't know what to do with my life, everything reminds me of her.

[@mono_whenever8080]

I need this since I had 2 close relatives that died and I didn't even cry once? Yes, I occasionally thought of them and felt sad but I don't think I ever grew out of it. And I feel guilty since I didn't even cry once for them and I feel like I am heartless for not doing so when I don't even know what to do.

[@rizzlehizzle]

I appreciate you and your work Dr. K. Would like to mention that I'm a big fan of you spreading information about Eastern philosophies, and I'd be interested in more of your content centering on this aspect of things.

[@Darkox101]

Lost my doggy Pawz of 12 years today. Honored that this video will help me through it.

[@archaedeos]

I saw this right now. I don't think I'm ready for the contents of this video even though it's been almost 5 years since I lost my mum to cancer. Maybe someday when I ready I'll come back to it. But thank you for addressing this topic, Dr. K!

[@VioletEmerald]

Why aren't you ready so many years after the fact? i think this video might be exactly what you need to watch as soon as possible...

[@ivragi]

Interesting point about loosing part of identity through lack of confirmation from lost person. Never thought about it this way but it makes perfect sense.