How to Know if You're Transgender: A Different Approach

[@arthur_rockwell]

docs.google.com/document/d/1QsEcCjvwC4FWkSDBxf_1Xo2yk3-9g9GFXkUPeKMgBkM/edit?usp=sharing Link to the Google doc where I list out the eight steps! Also ugh the last 15 seconds got cut off somehow?? I was wrapping up by saying, if you go down this journey of reflecting on your future and goals - something *will* get better. And that this is the reassurance I think many gender-questioning people are looking for when they watch "Am I Trans?" videos. I can't guarantee that you're trans, but I can tell you I am hopeful that one way or another, things will get better ❤️

[@CoolestSwordFighter]

ywnbam + 52%

[@CapitanaGabs]

As someone who is questioning if is trans/queer/???? this is incredible helpful and the idea that things will get better make me choke my tears a little bit. Honestly, thank you!

[@FirstRebel89]

I am super happy to be able to catch up with your clips, permanent fan here🌹🏳️‍🌈❤️

[@ShadowWolfVR]

i have a question. if i am a boy, BUT, i've literally learned how to change my voice, act and speak feminine, and being cute and girly makes me happy. does that mean im trans? and yes, i have tried on girls clothing.

[@deszcz33]

​@@ShadowWolfVR I'm pretty sure that you are trans

[@terraexcognita6637]

A lot of people ask "If you could push a button and change your body forever, would you?" I find it more useful to ask the inverse: "If you woke up as [another gender] and found a button that would turn you back forever, would you push it?"

[@pokemonbrickbronze5947]

Yes I would, and gender dysphoria feels just like being in another gender, except its harder to push the button

[@ChibiKami]

if I woke up tomorrow with an undeniably female body, I would carefully disassemble that button with a vengeance. It never gets pushed. Never

[@Avi-qn1sm]

Aaa that actually helps so much more! Knowing that I have the chance to go back makes me more comfortable if I ever change my mind. I probably wouldn't wanna push the button in the scenario

[@flarblesnarp]

that actually made me think about it differently lol, thank you

[@aWERFRGT6545BGFG]

idk a bout body. why do people gender body. I know transmen that love their breasts cuz they see breasts as a boy thing

[@KingRevvi]

I HATE the theory “if you’re questioning if you’re trans, then you are.” I 10000% disagree with that.

[@boycub]

its one of my biggest pet peeves... People of all ages have a right to question themselves and their identity and take it at their own pace. with support and space to grow rather than someone shoving them in one direction or another. Whether they come out the other end trans or not, they got to explore their relationship with their identity, expression and the way they interact with the world and learn more about themselves while doing so, and that should be the end goal, no matter what.

[@Mia-vm6pl]

I will save you many years of questioning. If you were born with a penis your male. Vagina than female. That's it. Do something productive with your life and stop wasting your time on this insanity Get therapy and live.yojr life as you were born naturally. This generation is fdfd up. Trust me if you were thrown in a 10 foot ditch for work you would not even be thinking about his garbage. No good.

[@flarblesnarp]

yea. part of life is about exploring your identity, not just slightly questioning and then sticking with it.

[@Jaime-mq8lj]

Fr, putting on labels when you're unsure just makes it more difficult to discover what you want

[@thecabbageman1]

That's not what the saying is. What it is id you're questioning you're PROBABLY trans. There are some cis people that question and realize they're cis but that's a minority. Especially if you question for a long time. So yeah pointing out probabilities is fair.

[@d_lynn421]

Thank you for saying it! Transitioning is a choice. Being trans is not a choice. I didnt choose to be a trans man. I DID choose to transition. I'm trans either way, I'm just much happier living as a man.

[@sadizm]

better luck next life ya!

[@flowerstem733]

But you did

[@nbb7208]

Transitioning is not a choice for some of us. Our choice is to either live and transition or not transition and kill ourselves. Just being blunt about it, that was my experience.

[@DinosaurNick]

It's sad that this is true for so many people. Especially those in situations where coming out is dangerous. You do what's best for you and your mental health. People shouldn't be actively trying to silence us.@@nbb7208

[@Kai-j3]

@@nbb7208that’s not our only choices and your experience isn’t all of ours

[@moaze2401]

What i dont like about 'childhood' signs is that behaviour doesnt determine gender. How you behave, in any situation has ansolutely nothing to do with your gender. Thats something ive struggled with a lot. By myself, alone, i feel really masculine i dont want my hips and my chest etc. Im 99% sure. But whenever i talk to people i sink into this "female" behaviour im used to. And that makes me dysphoric because i question myself again and again. But than i asked myself: What determines weather you're trans or not? Its not behaviour, neither hobbies. So for me the only 'real' thing was dysphoria. But than i realized, you have to ask the question the other way around. I always wanted to be 100% that im trans, to then tell my family and transition. But im not a cis guy, i was socialized differently so ill never be 100% like a cis guy. And ill never be 100% sure before i try. So the question to ask yourself isnt: Am i really trans?, Its rather: Do i want to have a flat chest, no hips, a beard and a deep voice, and live as a man? For all the physical things, the answer is yes. Do i wanna live as a boy? I dont know, i havnt tried. But i definitly dont want to live as a girl. So if i want all these physical things. It doesnt matter if i am actually trans. Thats just a term we invented anyway. What is important is that i feel good in my body and my identity. If transitioning insures that, than i can say that im indeed trans.

[@mailam8846]

This just reeks of inteligence, in a good way

[@moaze2401]

@Blue Marble I woulndt put it that way, no. Being trans is about feeling good in your body. If that is achieved by transitioning, so be it. We invented the concept of gender anyway, ultimately it doesnt matter. We are so tiny compared to the whole universe, our life span on earth is very short. If you want to transition, and youre sure that it will improve your life, do it. The reason to live is to find happiness.

[@arthur_rockwell]

Blue marble had a weird reply to you so I've removed them from the channel... Sorry about that!

[@Mandy-nt2cs]

​@Mo Aze I don't believe we invented gender.. I truly believe gender simply came to be through human existence, through the undeniable differences between men & women.. it just naturally came to be in society.

[@moaze2401]

@@Mandy-nt2cs What you are talking about are two different things. What came to be through human existance, is a persons sex: chromosones, etc. Gender is what came to be in society. Its the characteristics we learned to associate to each sex. Obviously those two things are strongly related. In the past, these two were the same. "You have xy chromosones, therefore you will be called a man. Therefore you will wear pants, not dresses and like the color blue instead of pink. Anyone who thinks otherwise will not be accepted by society" But today we dont ignore the existance of trans people anymore. Some people just dont want to have the characteristics they were born with, physical and social. Gender is so strongly implicated in society that your life is drasticly different, living as a man or a woman. Thats simply a fact we cant deny. But thats not the case "by nature". Nature did not decide that man can be shirtless and not woman. Nature did not decide that men are handsome and woman are pretty. Yes, you can be shirtless as a woman, you can call a boy pretty without him turning into a girl. But thats not the norm. The reality is simple. The vast majority of people conform in these gender roles. Even if they try not to, the way people treat you is different. Being seen as a boy is different as being seen as a girl. And that has absolutely nothing to do with your sex. And therefore Gender was invented by society.

[@breadboyism6773]

"if transitioning makes you feel good and authentic then you're trans" this is such a simple and healthy way of looking at it. i try not to measure my transness by how much pain or dysphoria i'm feeling and let my desire for comfort guide me instead. it's put me in a much healthier state of mind trying to figure everything out

[@flitefulwantssubs402]

this comment was actually really insightful, thank you

[@nicoleorr8843]

@@flitefulwantssubs402rt

[@Atreyuwu]

"if transitioning makes you feel good and authentic then you're trans" is NOT a simple and great way of putting it, and could be quite damaging. Let me tell you why. What about a kid (lets call *her* 'Sarah') who is a biological female that has never questioned her gender and has always felt 100% comfortable being that way, and has always felt right being that way - but then begins to feel 'not so good' *because most of her friends are trans and tell her she might be* because when she got her period and says 'being a girl sucks' (or whatever other of a million possible similar scenarios), and she then starts feeling unsure of her identity and not ok because of being bombarded with the very influential input of friends, media, etc. And then *convinces* herself she is trans - and then happily voices it to her peers, where she now no longer feels like she is missing out and finally belongs (but because she feels like she properly fits in - *not* anything to do with with any inherent dissatisfaction or dysphoria/dysmorphia related to being in the wrong body, only she doesn't realize that is what it is)? Do you think that is a healthy scenario, or is likely to end up badly? It happens more than you think!

[@yaakarkad1]

@@AtreyuwuActually, what are describing is an instance of negatively-driven transition, aka what Arthur and the commenter is advising against. So, theoretically, you should agree that the given quote IS a simple and great way of putting it. In other words what you seem to be against is NOT the given advice but rather the underlying assumption behind it that being trans could ever be valid.

[@jdatlas4668]

Yup. I never got much dysphoria, but I got absurd amounts of euphoria when I started embracing my nonbinary identity, in ways I honestly didn't see coming. like, "*oh*, this is what feeling nice about your body is like, huh?"

[@gingganggoolie]

One thing I'd add is that when you're trying stuff out, disliking one Trans Thing doesn't mean you shouldn't try other Trans Things you're interested in. For example if you didn't like binding but you're thinking of changing your pronouns, you can just do that. Try stuff out and keep only what you like

[@arthur_rockwell]

Totally!

[@whyareyoulookingatthislol]

yeah I've never seen a trans person with all the possible dysphorias. they exist but a lot of ppl like to keep certain aspects of themselves as is

[@chloesmith6714]

So true I changed my name but I won't do surgery so I can be fluid I guess I can call it.

[@youremyfavoritesong9868]

Writing five pages about how I wanted to be a boy in the span of 30 minutes was genuinely the best thing I could've done today. I keep thinking I want to be a boy. I keep thinking I'd be happier as a boy, so I schedule a haircut or decide to buy some tape to bind but I never go through with any of it in the end. I think I'm scared. Because I know that I would be happier as a boy and part of me knows that there's no going back, once I've fully realized that. I've been in stages of denial for years. "I want to be a boy" and then I buy another dress and put more makeup on and try to look more feminine because maybe it'll make me feel better about myself. But it's always like I'm cosplaying as a woman. I haven't figured it all out yet, but maybe that's okay.

[@KxmpleteKxllapse]

Question. Do u think u can see urself as a guy in a dress?

[@youremyfavoritesong9868]

@@KxmpleteKxllapse Yeah definitely, right now I think it just causes too much dysphoria because I very much still look like a girl in a dress

[@PGOuma]

Like a femboy?

[@m.1050]

you do not need to look feminine to be a woman. people might still recognise your gender as female but you are allowed to express yourself in any way you want to. google gender non-conforming people. transitioning isn’t the only answer. it’s also a long and difficult process

[@youremyfavoritesong9868]

@@m.1050 I get that transitioning isn't the only answer for everyone but it's definitely the only answer for me

[@Stargirl33318]

I'm a trans woman who has recently been having some anxiety around transitioning, thank you so much for making this video, I feel much more confident 😊

[@arthur_rockwell]

I'm happy it helped!!

[@theparadigm8149]

Yes, but what _IS_ a woman? 🤔

[@Firefusioncosplays]

@theparadigm8149 A woman is anyone who calls themselves a woman, a man is anyone who calls themselves a man 🫶

[@our12silly]

They will come for you... so arm yourself and get a big dog. Believe me. Be ready.

[@chloesmith6714]

You got thissss, I thought I was but I am gender fluid most definitely

[@vi_pravi]

I had a really weird way of realizing I was trans. I went to summer camp and a male name became my nickname there (my last name includes the name in question). I didn't care that muck about what pronouns people use, so people gradually defaulted to he/him, because it sounded less weird. But the thing was that I kinda liked it. I felt better when being referred by a male name and he/him pronouns. And after an entire year of experimenting with my gender I've come to the conclusion, that I was trans. And when I look back, I've experienced dysphoria and there were some signs. But the most crucial part for me was realizing that I wasn't aroace, but I just didn't like the idea of being in a relationship as a woman. And I really had to experiment a lot to get to the point of understanding everything.

[@magicpigeon_]

That’s a really cool story! I started feeling off about she/her pronouns and my birth name when I was 11, but I definitely knew something wasn’t right when I started puberty. Anyways I always thought I was aroace, but now I’m thinking I might be in the same boat as you and I just need to be seen as a man before being able to be in a relationship.

[@user-bu5ps7cg1u]

this is unrelated but i love your sholmes pfp

[@chloesmith6714]

This thread was super relatable started at puberty I believe and the new name and pronouns are a must and feels great hearing my chosen name!!!

[@lillientruong6350]

This story just open a can of worms inside me which makes me question my aroace identity as well and I don't know if i should fall down this rabbit hole.

[@gabe33_01]

oh god this sounds like me but i am terrified right now 😅

[@wikiak_]

I am very much a cis girl so I don't know why I'm here but I love how well articulated you are! Those were really interesting points, keep it up!

[@rosl.]

Yeah also a cis girl, I'm watching mostly out of curiosity. Whenever I see any "Are you ___"? I just click it. I'm confident in my identity I just think it's interesting and useful to learn more about how others are wired. ...but also my little brother came out to me, so this just feels a little more personally relevant than any other topic lmao

[@addiesuggs1692]

I'm in the same boat here, and I also like watching these vids to understand my trans friends more lol

[@kiedisboughen5318]

It's always good to know if you are or aren't something! Confidence in your identity is a great thing

[@cradica]

I'm a Cis male (with a bit of femininity) , but I came here because I was just curious what he had to say.

[@Damianskull]

I love this comment thread

[@JoKar-jr7fb]

My main problem is that i basically confirmed in my head already that i‘m trans but it‘s just too scary so i keep trying to convince myself that i might just be non binary or a feminine man or something because that way i could hide it if needed because I already know a few people that I would probably lose if I transitioned and idk i grew up in a tiny conservative village I only have very few people around me to begin with, i don‘t have any queer friends or people that could atleast somewhat relate to confide in and so i just feel like i‘d end up extremely lonely and sad, i‘ve never been good at making friends and i feel so akward going somewhere alone i just sit around and stare into my phone or something like that the whole time

[@Chrissy717]

Crazy how good a random comment under a random video can sometimes describe the feelings or experiences of a completely different person living several hundred kilometers away (I'm just assuming you don't live in Germany, haha, sorry). But I can really relate to all of this. I'm scared what may happen when I transition. My family is also somewhat conservative and if I ever transition I will probably encounter some problems or may even lose some close friends/relatives. I also thought I might just be very very feminine, but let's be honest here for a second, there are just some things I can't not explain and there are also some things that just don't feel right. I'd like to give a helpful advice, but it seems like we are in the same boat. All I can say is your not alone. I bet we'll work on this out eventually! Hold on. You got this. A random dude (or woman, this is really confusing for me aswell) found your comment and replied and told you he/she feels the same, so there must be so many more out there thinking the same. Take your time and then do whatever feels right!

[@CoolestSwordFighter]

ywnbaw + 52%

[@artikulv731]

I feel this so hard, I’ve pretty much confirmed to myself I’m a trans guy and don’t see any real evidence as to how I wouldn’t be, but I’m also STILL nervous that I might not actually be trans 🫠

[@CoolestSwordFighter]

@@artikulv731 ywnbam + 52%

[@Ilumina17]

​@@artikulv731oh god, same. I am so confused and sad rn and the worst thing is, that I would like to talk to a professional and I don't know where to go.

[@southernheretic]

Arthur, I hope you know that this video has genuinely changed my life. I had previously come out as nonbinary at 15, but my view of my own gender was very narrow because of the pressure I felt to be cis. I was the "good" trans person who didn't correct misgendering, who would never disrupt norms by getting hormones or surgery, who didn't get offended; I basically only saw myself as Girl Lite and so did everyone else. And it was an important step and phase of my life, but I obviously wasn't ready to tackle the depth of my feelings and fears relating to my transness yet. In fact, I even recently went through a phase where I took away my trans label entirely just because I didn't hate my body for that period of time; my excuse was just that I "didn't care" and that gender "didn't matter to me anymore" when I came across your video. And I clicked on it. And I was like, dude, I'm not trans, and "how to tell you're trans" videos usually give terrible advice, so why am I here? But I absolutely loved your approach, and I started keeping a gender journal and asking myself all of the questions you suggested immediately. And since I already had prior experience of experimenting with gender and being out, within probably less than an hour of writing, the signs already couldn't be clearer that I was trans. Not only trans, but a trans guy. When I first started questioning, I didn't even consider that I could be a guy; my only option felt like nonbinary, yet it was staring me in the face this whole time. It's been about a month since I first found this video, and I'm still making my Gender Notes almost every day and so much has already happened and changed for me. I've experienced more happiness, fear, excitement, sadness, you name it in a month than I think I've felt at any point of my life. I can tell this is much more of the "real deal" for me than my identity as nonbinary was because... Wow. Being a boy just feels so deeply personal and fucking beautiful and borderline terrifying in that way where you know it means it's right for you. After all, one thing I'd noted is that all of my best life decisions, somehow, come from initial paralyzing fear. I make my worst decisions where I feel too comfortable; when things come to me suspiciously easily and eventually fall apart. That's definitely why nonbinary didn't work out for me. Because, sure, coming out as anything isn't exactly easy, but I can now tell that what I thought was soul searching was extremely surface level and easy in comparison to all of the analysis and planning I do with my gender now. It's still hard; I'm still having trouble accepting myself as a boy sometimes, but I'm still so much better at it than I was before and the closer I get, the better I feel. I was literally lightheaded and nauseous as I put boxer briefs in my mom's cart, but it's ended up being a life changer for me. I'd never go back to women's underwear ever again. Hormones are on the table for me now. Changing my name to Elliot feels scary and too disruptive, yet it was one of those things where it just...came to me. For weeks, the name "Elliot" just wouldn't leave the back of my mind, and I tried ignoring it since the name I'd given myself as a nonbinary person was gender neutral anyway, but it kept pestering me until I claimed it lol. Sometimes you don't choose the name, but the name chooses you. The next step will be changing my name on Discord where my sister will inevitably see and telling my mom about it... Wish me luck! And thank you so much for this amazing video ❤️

[@seskionavioneth9130]

Hey Elliot, I know this comment isn't at all addressed to me but I'm wishing you well. Glad to know you're feeling happier now ❤

[@arthur_rockwell]

I absolutely loved reading this comment and am so honored to know I played a part in your journey. I wish you luck in fully accepting yourself as a boy ❤️

[@johndoeiii6103]

I just always wonder why the names trans men choose are always these same kind of feminine esque names? Elliot, Ezra, Milo, Oliver, Kaiden/Aiden... Like you literally never see trans guys named Dave or Rick haha

[@garden_creature]

Unnecessary comment. Dave and Rick are massively outdated traditional names while the others are more modern.@@johndoeiii6103

[@thebestesttrat4861]

@@johndoeiii6103I’m trans and my name is Kyle 🫡

[@al.trash.41]

This helped me realize that a lot of my worries and second guessing with transitioning has more to do with my overall difficulty in making decisions for myself. I honestly hadn't related the two but now it makes a lot more sense. Thank you so much for this video

[@arthur_rockwell]

What a big revelation! I'm happy to have played a part in that :)

[@zeldomaine]

related to this so hard. i've always been a very passive figure in my own life and my parents swooped in to take care of a lot of things so now that i'm thinking of this big choice by myself i'm shitting my pants to say the least.

[@Juniperrrrrr]

Ugh seriously relate

[@VincentValentine33]

I'm 43 years old and am 7 weeks into Testosterone. I knew I was born in the wrong body when I was 4, but was repressed and abused by my Mother for it. I'm Trans Male.

[@mineralnoodles]

very proud of you good job out there :D

[@Lol-tr6cu]

glad you get to finally be you !

[@VincentValentine33]

@@Lol-tr6cu Thank you. Still on Testosterone and I'm noticing definite changes. I had to start shaving because of the facial hair. My voice is getting deeper. It's just an awesome experience. Like going through puberty, again but this time I know what to expect.

[@Lol-tr6cu]

​@@VincentValentine33i hope to experience something like this too

[@VincentValentine33]

@@Lol-tr6cuAwesome. I wish you the best luck.

[@Autoluminescentt]

Very helpful. I'm like 90% confident in my transition because I've partially transitioned socially and I prefer it so much but every once in a while part of my brain is like "heyyy are you faking it though 😃" and this really helped!

[@arthur_rockwell]

Yup, sitting in that space of "probably?? But I'm not entiiiirely sure" can be really hard... I'm happy to hear this video was helpful!

[@wren_.]

ME TOO, i’m non-binary and socially transitioned to my friends, but i still look very girly and it’s not like i can just transition to looking nonbinary, because most people will probably just lump you into “boy” or “girl” anyway. on top of that it’s a much harder concept to explain to people than being a trans man/woman, and if they don’t get it then they’ll just lump me into “basically a boy” or “basically a girl” again. i wish i could just be a binary gender so bad but they both make me uncomfortable, i don’t know what to do

[@Onefishygal]

I think, for me at least, that the idea that "if you think you're trans you probably are." is much better worded as "if you're unsure if you're faking being trans, that's a pretty good sign that you're trans." the latter speaks to me personally a lot more than the former.

[@Onefishygal]

@@wren_. take this with a lake of salt because I'm not non-binary and am not very informed on the subject but what I would recommend is wearing what makes you happy and just generally trying to be yourself as much as possible. correct people when you can and the people that really care for you will make an effort to understand and respect your gender. I apologies if I've said something dumb, please feel free to correct me if I misunderstood something.

[@OllieOllieOxenfr33]

“We make choices under uncertainty all the time.” Love this so much. Sometimes you just have to make the choice and go for it

[@seronimo__7735]

1:56 "I didn't want to center my adult choice to transition on what I was like when I was six years old." Holy crap. When you put it like that...wow

[@sskeletonhell]

as a 24yo who has been questioning their identity since they were 14, this really, really helped me. you have such a wonderful way with words, thank you so much.

[@lostotter1956]

I’m in the same place- although I’m only 20, and I’m pretty comfortably identifying as non-binary, but still open to questioning myself

[@user-gg8tl5yt7d]

Wow same here. Hope 6 months later you are doing well ❤

[@percyscythe]

you're just like me

[@gertvandenberghe5914]

Literally same, age and everything hahahaha

[@lauratyler4863]

My daughter is trans. When they came out, all of a sudden, everything made sense. It was a relief.

[@Urlocalcatonpaws]

I'm very happy you support your daughter, I love those parents.

[@livi1088]

i am a person who transitioned to be a man then detransitioned, and GOD i wish i had seen this sooner. the typical narratives misguided me. i fit all of the boxes - childhood gender nonconformity, questioning my gender, etc - and took that to mean i should transition. i ended up being a very unhappy trans person. perhaps i was (or am) trans, but i should not have transitioned.

[@artikulv731]

Sorry to hear that, hope you’re doing better now. The typical narratives are super weird

[@kl3321]

I hope you're doing all right now.

[@toonatime]

As someone who is analytical to the point of exasperation, this video has helped me more than you can know. Thanks

[@arthur_rockwell]

As someone who has also been (at times) analytical to the point of exasperation, I'm so happy to hear I reached you ☺️

[@kiraoshiro6157]

what if we put our minecraft beds together and got analytical to the point of exasperation

[@tylerrslays]

such a great video arthur. i’m about 2 years into my transition now, and that last point resonated with me the most. The quiet moments pushed me into knowing for sure that i was trans. my friends casually calling me he, responding to my name in a coffee shop, being confident to shop in the mens section without being judged. not coming out or going to pride or anything like that. the casual moments of day to day life that are like hey this feels right

[@arthur_rockwell]

Aww that's amazing you've reached that place of contentment too! I wish this for everyone 🥰

[@WillaSalam]

I really loved your perspective on transitioning. I relate in a lot of different ways. I didn’t wake up one day and recognize that I was a trans woman. I, quite literally, slowly transitioned away from my assigned gender and felt it out as I got along. The narratives you described that are more commonly talked about aren’t necessarily the end all be all, but they’re commonly treated as such. Kudos to you 👏🏼👏🏼

[@arthur_rockwell]

Yes exactly! It's cool to hear trans people of different genders relate to this experience 😀. I remember feeling at the time like my female-ness was "slipping out of my hands" but now I appreciate how that slowness made my transition healthy for me.

[@jonielisbordoy]

Hi

[@eggggsbenedict]

I really appreciate your perspective and relate to it more than probably any other trans person I’ve seen content from. Questioning has been a crazy difficult process for me out of a combination of having an extremely analytical approach to everything and that I haven’t experienced dysphoria the same way most trans people describe it. I’ve always coped with stress through escapism, dissociation, and avoidance. I’ve always been able to find ways to occupy and enjoy myself even in between low periods by letting myself be completely consumed by hobbies and projects, but throughout it all I never really felt like I had a body or really existed in the external world. But I was still generally stable and I never hated myself so I didn’t even consider the possibility I could be trans. I’m aroace and as soon as I accepted that I would never fit into the picture of cis straight and married I didn’t even realize I was clinging on to I started to really feel the pull inside to be a guy. It caught me off guard. Thinking about transitioning as a major life choice rather than the stereotypical image of it really clarifies my feelings on the matter. I don’t think I have a single major life choice I’ve regretted. Even the really big stuff like starting and ending a relationship, dropping out of my prestigious high school, or the college I attended, or sending an email to a stranger that lead to my closest friendship. And every step along the path to transition I’ve held myself back until the moment where it no longer feels like a choice but an internal force pushing me to do it - the same way I approached every one of those decisions. Cutting my hair in increments, buying new clothes, wearing a binder, even soft coming out in college classes. I don’t regret any of it and I can’t even imagine wanting to go back. I may not have had tangible dysphoria before, but I was shut out of my own life. I didn’t realize just how much of my life I wasn’t letting myself experience. I went from having no real friends and being so quiet and awkward that I had classmates genuinely surprised that I could talk, staring at my face in the mirror and in pictures trying to find a person in there, to the most passionate voice in the room. People don’t put enough emphasis on how central simple comfort is to the trans experience. With every step I’ve taken my life has gradually gotten better in ways I didn’t realize I was lacking. For me transition hasn’t been defined by pain or suffering, but in starting to feel grounded for the first time. I’m still not there yet, but I’ve finally fully come out to myself. I’ve been pulled to the next ledge and I think I’m finally ready to take the leap. Thank you Arthur, your videos have helped me a ton in getting to this point.

[@arthur_rockwell]

Thanks for such a nice comment! I definitely relate to feeling like transition has left me "grounded". Good luck on taking the leap ☺️

[@Rocket8848]

Oh wow, your perspective is surprisingly similar to mine (it might be helpful to mention that I am autistic). A large portion of my life has consisted of being enveloped by special interests largely related to hobbies and such, until at some point I came across the word asexual and realized I was that as well as aromantic. Shortly after, I began experiencing a gender identity crisis because finding out that assuming I was "straight by default" was wrong made me realize that the assumption of "cis by default" is also wrong and that it is worth properly thinking about it. This was not very long ago, now I consider myself trans & nonbinary and have started some transition steps such as having close friends & people online use they/them to refer to me, as well as keeping my beard shaved & growing my hair. Although I have a hypothesis for where I'll end up (which I maaaybe gave away by calling myself nonbinary 😉), I don't actually know for certain if I am going to stop there or if I will end up closer to woman. However I do know that the steps I've taken thus far have made me feel happier and more comfortable with myself, and I should keep going until I reach a point where that is no longer true. Though I'm replying to an old comment on an old video and it's unlikely that it'll be read or I'll get a reply, I can't thank you enough for writing it! Finding people who have gone through similar experiences is one of the best ways to make sense of yourself I feel, and I'll be eternally grateful for your (probably unintentional) help with that. ❤

[@essendossev362]

This is such a grounded approach, and it's also a really valuable lesson in how to evaluate big choices in general, not just in terms of gender.

[@frogman1]

ohh shit, its the same conclusion i came to! i didn't fully feel comfortable in identifying as trans or deciding to transition until i started using different pronouns, binding, and cutting my own hair. maybe it means something that i went that far, but it's even more concrete to know that it just... raises my quality of life. (sorry im only five minutes into this but i can really relate, and i love the analogy with college, along with that other analogy with marriage that you made in a different video.)

[@frogman1]

unfortunately i'm still stuck with the big question i have for myself right now, which is... is physically transitioning worth it? it won't kill me to never go through with it, and doing so will probably mean i have a big falling out with my family and relatives. i used to think i could figure out the best possible way to do it, and i just needed to wait til i got that sorted, but now i think it's inevitable :\

[@arthur_rockwell]

Aw 😔 that sounds like a super hard situation. I wish it was as simple as "do what makes you happy and those around you should respect that." Wishing you luck!

[@sasho_b.]

As a cis guy, this really affirmed my understanding of myself. Our relation to gender has expanded, however, bigotry, and in turn, the standard narrative, have sort of hidden the fact that most people dont conform to the "tough macho man" or the "pink dressed damsel", you dont need to be trans to relate to either, and at the same time, you can be trans without conforming perfectly to your desired gender. In conclusion, do whatever you want, see if it makes you happy.

[@blaaze1513]

this video really made me realize just how much thinking about other people has influenced my fear of making a decision that should really be about myself. i express myself in public to be a feminine man because to me its a way of making myself less dysphoric whilst also not making other's uncomfortable but its not my authentic self, rather a mask to keep other's happy. when I'm at home in my room, wearing female clothes and expressing myself as female, that's when I'm the most comfy and happy with myself, but i get scared of showing this vulnerable part of myself to the outside world as there is no worse pain to me than being attacked or put down when I'm being the most vulnerable to true version of myself. so yeah this video sort of made me realize I need to focus on myself and how i really feel, it'll take a while to be comfortable with showing people my true self, but i hope it can make me happy in the end :)

[@kindchennn]

Thanks for sharing Arthur. I really appreciate your perspective. Without really knowing what being trans looked like, I have recently come to the realization that many of my aspirations have to do with a ftm transition. I have watched some of your videos and started a gender journal because of your advice. I’m closeted after coming out was a struggle with family and friends. Your perspective on a different approach really resonates with me. I feel dysphoria, as well as dysmorphia, and I have all my life about my female identity. But it’s scary to rely totally on the negative… I’m obsessed with Asian tea ceremony and I’m focusing on it because you recommended that you have more interests besides just transition. The relationship you mention from before you transitioned is the type of relationship I’m stuck in now. Just rambling.. but I really, really appreciate your perspective as a fellow gay trans man. Thank you for being brave and sharing ❤

[@arthur_rockwell]

Aww the comments I get, like yours, which end with the person saying they were "rambling" hold a special place in my heart. I love hearing snippets of people's lives. I'm excited for what life will look like when you're through the rough spot of being closeted and in a challenging relationship. That time in my life simultaneously feels like yesterday and so distant it's nearly a dream. ❤️

[@EclecticECD]

Hello! I am a (probably?) cis woman raking gradual steps towards gender non-conformity. I appreciate the way you articulate this. I heavily question every part of my life, as as someone comfortable with my "female-ness" but not the idea or my "womanliness" has lead me into the world of the transgender experience through others stories. The way you word it was the first time I ever got the impression that gender is embracing growing up in a way that suits you as opposed to stepping in line with a destination predicted by every factor outside of your current self. Thank you! 😊

[@hazelsherbsoup3189]

I usually don’t spill my guts in comments sections, but maybe someone out there will see it and feel seen, or help me feel seen… I especially love getting the reassurance that I don’t have to have had “trans child experiences” to validate my questioning. I’ve never felt noticeably /uncomfortable/ growing up as a girl, but I’ve often felt subconsciously detached from it. It wasn’t until I got older and learned more about the community that I started questioning. I can say with confidence that I am not a girl. At least not all the time, or at least not entirely. What I am not confident about is exactly how I want to identify. I started going by the name Elliott within my friend group. My friend group is mainly queer people who are have been endlessly supportive of me through all of this. I started going by she/he/they pronouns, still only within my group, and I don’t feel specifically uncomfortable with she/her, but I definitely prefer they or he pronouns. I eventually started questioning if I was trans. The main reason for this is because I have felt more drawn to specifically masculine terms, and want to be seen that way. Like you said in this video, I could go on identifying as a girl, but sometimes I think I’d be happier if I identified as a boy. I got a haircut which which felt great, but anyone can have short hair anyways, so it’s still back and forth. I very often prefer wearing clothes that are more masculine, or wearing baggier clothes that hide my chest, but I still am fine with wearing clothes in a more feminine way, though I never wear makeup and don’t plan to. Despite this, I still find myself making more assumptions about my own gender based on how other people might react. My family is very supportive, and I think that it wouldn’t be difficult to explain my situation. But I also have four younger siblings who might not understand as much. A very close family of neighbors is a huge part of my life, and I find myself wondering about how they would react if I were to come out as someone using they/them. I think me coming out as trans would be easier for them to understand, which draws me more to the idea, before I stop myself and remember that it’s my gender, and that how they understand it shouldn’t effect my decision as much as it does. Whenever I picture myself coming out as trans to my family, the thing that makes me most happy about it is the support I know that I would get, and I think that thought makes me more confused when I try to imagine living as a boy. I also have a lesbian partner, and I worry about this affecting our relationship. I know that they would support me, too, but I worry about us both getting hurt. All-in-all, I’m very confused. I’m going to start journaling to see if that helps me think clearer about this. If anyone out there is seeing this, feedback would be great if you have any, but I’m generally just trying to put these words into the world, so that maybe someone out there in a similar situation doesn’t feel alone. ❤️

[@qwerty9797]

Good luck on your journey!

[@finngriffith3563]

This is very validating because as a trans man i didn't show very clear signs as a child or at least my parents didn't see the signs i show and now they don't believe me but nobody else can know but me and as long as it makes me happy living as a man that is right for me :)

[@LillyCox777]

You're point about moments of peace really resonated with me, I think theres a tendancy to over think these moments as boring or a non thing. But observing happiness and normalcy as the gender you're transitioning too is a really good sign. Thank you so much for putting it into much better words than my silly brain could

[@arthur_rockwell]

Awww absolutely! Thanks for the comment 😊

[@harper5378]

Off topic, but I love hearing snippets of what sounds like a very healthy relationship with your parents. They seem really great, and it just makes me so happy to see someone so supported in his journey of self realisation. Thank you for these really well thought out and articulated videos, as I'm sure you realise these help a lot of people during a very difficult and confusing time.

[@arthur_rockwell]

Yes I'm super grateful for the relationship I have with my parents and it really helped that they were supportive of my transition 🥺. And thank *you* for all of your sweet comments. It absolutely makes making these videos worth it to know that my content affects people

[@_dot_]

it’s so weird because it’s like i’m subconsciously super confident that i’m trans i feel, it’s almost something i take for granted, but on a conscious level there are all these doubts and i think the stuff you suggested will really help me :)

[@WindowIntoMyWorld]

I have never come across such a well spoken human before, idk what it is but hearing you talk is comforting in a way

[@jadebull3897]

i cried when you talked about the 8th step. The quiet moments...i started remembering times i was "mistaken" by a man and also like, just being with friends that saw me like one and treated me like one in parties or just at home playing. I was so happy, so at peace and i long for those moments to happen again and again... Maybe is time for me to do something about it

[@mudkip_btw]

I'm not trans so I'm coming from a slightly different place, but I really relate with what you say in this video. I've been very anxious and questioning myself about being gay, but in the end it's as simple as you make it. I know I am because this is how I want to live and be. I want to get away from the "born this way" narrative because I feel it sometimes limits the freedom I wish people had when it comes to lgbt+ issues

[@plastictouch6796]

What you said at the very end about being unhappy about being trans resonated with me a lot. I have a lot of fear and anxiety and internalized transphobia, like I hate myself for who I am. Not hating myself is really easier said than done, but I'm working on it. I'll try journaling and see if it helps.

[@rodanart]

Thanks for the video! As for me, I've never felt connected to womanhood, yet not actively hurt by it. I always admired men, and eanted to be like them. At this point, I don't feel comfortable being entirely masculine, yet being a woman feels not right. Since I adquired the mentality of "fuck it, Imma be myself", I encountered myself being nonbinary - GNC, but I haven't stablished my gender yet. Thank you, you made me realize I wan't alone with no relating to most trans narratives!

[@crimsonsica]

I'm a 34 y/o trans woman whos only about a year into her transition. A video like this probably would have helped a lot when I was questioning because like you I question everything. But I've loved all of the changes in my transition, I learning to love my body. Thank you for putting yourself out there

[@Jameown]

I really can't describe how thankful I'm right now. This is one of the most important videos of my life, not because of "cheap tips" or "scores", but cause I really felt how trustworthy my heart actually is. It's been a pretty long while I've started wondering my gender, wether I'm a trans guy or not. I've finally got my haircut despite of not being outted to my family yet. But I've told my friends and my partner and they've accepted me, and I wanna scream at the top of my lungs about how happy I'm. My life is working! I mean... I was a happy girl, I know everything would be "fine" even if I'd decided to ignore this part of me... but once I've started dressing the way I'm dressing now (as a man), once I've started using the he/him pronouns... this is absolutely crazy. I'm happy. And that's what really matters! Thank you. You're kind. You're absolutely incredible. ❤❤❤❤❤❤ THANK YOUUUUU

[@mattazerty]

thank you so much for this video, im a trans guy/transmasc person and i've actually been out for a while (around two an half years). I began questioning my gender in quarantine, and then slowly transitioned socially. At first i changed how i talked about myself, i talked about it to a few friends, got a binder and got used to how it felt, changed my name at first with my close friends, than with a bigger circle of people, and eventually even openly at school. Over a few months i went from she/they to they/them to they/he to he/him. Everything was quite progressive, i didn't really had a big revelation moment, i don't have a lot of childhood signs and i struggle to feel "trans enough" even though, on the daily i live as a trans guy. This whole journey started right when i turned 15, and i'll soon be 18. I've been re questioning lately because as i'll turn 18, i will be able to medically transition. I've been dreaming of getting on t for years, but now that it seems doable im so scared of making the wrong choice. I just realised, thanks to your video, that i've been having these quiet peaceful moments, where i get gendered and named correctly and i don't even pick up on it because it just feels right. It isn't a big, spectacular feeling but i feel in the right place in a way i don't have when im seen as girl by people around me. I'm still scared, i don't really know how to build my masculinity, i'm scared i won't know 'how to act as a boy', but as i was watching this i thought "it will be alright". I don't know exactly when i'm going to start testosterone, but deep down i think i know that it is going to make me happy and that it is the right choice. i hope my journey will be as calm and open to my feelings as it was, even if its hard sometimes to take the time. I still wonder "but why?", but i guess we'll never really know. Sorry for venting here but i had a lot of thoughts after watching this, thank you for offering us your different approach :)

[@KxmpleteKxllapse]

I wish u well with ur journey!!!

[@pebbles3609]

This is how I've been as well, cool to see someone with a similar story!

[@shegabaonmygool]

hi

[@trashcanman9357]

Holy shit I wish I’d seen this video YEARS ago!!! I see so many similarities between your journey and mine… I’ve also been thinking about transition in this way, but it took me a loooong time to get to this point. And I’m still pre-t!! So even now, after being out as trans for years, it’s really helpful to see an example of a trans guy who didn’t go on t because of all those reasons you listed in the beginning, and still came out of it very happy. Thank you so much for making this video, for me and for all the people navigating their transness who follow. ❤️ best “am I trans” video to ever exist

[@FluffyPupperArt]

thankyou so much for this video. As someone whos been struggling feeling "out of place" feeling like maybe i am not trans with all these different experiences from others, not quite feeling the same as them, questioning everything. I feel comforted to know that in the future, I, with time will be comfortable in my own body for who I am! and in time, I WILL choose to transition and live as a man! Thankyou for all of these helpful tips and questions to ask myself and to just really focus on what I want in life!

[@Hhhhhhhhh186]

Thank you for your videos, Arthur. I come back to them again and again. Your voice is so calming and I relate to it. I am a trans man in my mid-30s, just 4 months into my medical transition and times are hard right now and I am scared, but I am holding tight to the euphoria I feel every day in this changing body. I love myself even through the storm of coming out and the strangeness of androgyny. Better days ahead. Cheers to you and wishing you all the best.

[@joidss]

what helps me a lot to feel confident about transitioning is to remind myself of how genuinely pleased i feel when i'm having a good voice day, or how much i like to admire my hands when they look especially masculine. before i figured out i was trans, i really celebrated my masculine traits, even when i was trying out the "i just need to be more feminine and then i'll like myself more" route. it helped a lot remembering how i would see (and still see) girls my age dress themselves up and i felt bad for them. i was uncomfortable dressing myself up like them, and i thought that they would feel the same, but after a bit of thought it came to me that they wouldn't dress up in a casual setting like school if it didn't make them confident. i guess really the only thing making me uncertain in my transition now is honestly my family, i'm more afraid of their lack of support than the possibility that i'm not actually trans or that medical transition isn't the right path for me. but i hope they come around at least when they find how much more comfortable and content i am.

[@_Bees]

I have never questioned anything about my identity when it comes to gender. I felt pretty comfortable for who I was in that regard and I am fortunate to feel and have that. Like I am cis and there's nothing wrong with that as much as you are trans and there is nothing wrong with that. But this video brings up similarities on my ADHD journey about my place in society and my reflection on how I experienced things compared to others. It definitely helped me understand and sympathise more with trans folk and their journeys because of my own unique journey in understanding that I have been neurodivergent this whole time... I am happy you have parents that are like that and you deserve it as much as everyone deserves it, same with me and my parents being supportive with my ADHD journey and aiming to get treatment for it. I hope we all continue to build a society of one of understanding and providing everyone with not only bodily needs (Food, water, shelter, energy...), but also providing people with their emotional needs (comfort, care, love, affection, understanding...) (Only watched the start when I typed this)

[@ohmygawdneilcicirega]

i’m a young…i don’t even know how to refer to myself. i guess i’ll just say human being, because i am definitely a human. my parents and general community is super transphobic or homophobic and i have no money or transport to go to a place to talk about what might be dysphoria with anyone…i feel like a guy. i hate everything about being a girl. i feel like i look super feminine and i hate my traditionally girly clothing. my face is all roundish and feminine, my body is feminine, every time someone calls me a girl or refers to me as a she/her i feel like i wanna cry. i want to wear boyish clothing, have a flat chest and all that…i want binders, too. imagining myself wearing a suit and cutting my hair short makes me smile. wearing backwards sports bras while im home alone makes me feel like myself. if there was some magic button i could press to turn myself into a guy with nobody remembering i was ever a girl i would. if i could just start over i would be a boy. i dont know what to do because i know my parents would flip out and i have no place to go if they do. my community is very religious and everyone takes it super seriously. i’m uneducated about lgbtq+ because i’m so sheltered and i therefore don’t know how to name my feelings. i feel like a guy, i don’t know if i’m attracted to people at all, but then again i kind of am, sometimes i feel like i would want to be no binary, but there’s also gender fluid and demi gender and…it’s overwhelming and underwhelming all at the same time…i don’t know. i wish i did. wish i knew what to call myself, because without the labels, i feel like im falling down a rabbit hole with no end.

[@CONSUMEDBYMYYOUNGERSISTER]

Hope you figure everything out! Good luck on your journey! We will support you :)

[@Sg_hrtts]

I've been questioning if I'm trans or not for a long long time already and I don't think anything is helping right now but It does take time to figure it out, gender is a confusing thing. I started questioning my gender due to me being uncomfortable being a female and even being called one, I've been really comfortable being called a male and I have always thought of being one. But I'm still questioning it because again, gender is very confusing after all.

[@5q1d87]

Of all the viedos I've watched, Yours has been BY FAR the most helpful : I've recently started questioning my gender identity and whether I'm trans and was looking at videos to better find answers for myself, your advice and anecdotes feel personal to me and I've decided to take up a journal of my own. Thank you so much I appreciate people like you.

[@jimbomyboy9679]

Thank u so much for posting this, man. I've had suspicions since I was 13, and have been actively questioning since I was 16, and I never feel like I'm any more certain than I was the day before. It's been extremely stressful, and admittedly my current life circumstances do not make it any easier. I relate really heavily to ALL of this, I'm gonna try doing all this stuff. Wish me luck 👍

[@arthur_rockwell]

Good luck and thanks for watching!!

[@Furin_]

Oh boy, I needed that. I was having a rough time questioning my gender because I'm not sure if I'm enby/girl or just a feminine cis guy, but you just made me feel hopeful and secure about my decisions.

[@Cruciian]

Every time I question If I'm trans, I ask myself a question "Yeah... but would you really want to live as your gender assigned at birth?" and the answer is always no.

[@nolla6337]

The answer is mostly yes, so if you feel like you don't like your gender - you should talk to someone about it

[@Cruciian]

@@nolla6337 I meat "my answer is always no" sorry If I didn't make it clear 💕

[@JosilyneTwigg]

​@@nolla6337 I have talked to people about it I've had 4 therapsists so far who have all recommended transition, I'll be moving out of the house by the end of the year, going to my 5th therapist now to start said medical transition Thanks for the advice 😊

[@itslails9868]

This is one of those rare moments when youtube algorithm actually throws a video you resonate with out of the blue. I have no idea who you are, what your other content is like and if I resonate with it or not. But this video I found relatable and extremely helpful and refreshing. Thank you. Oh god do I wish there was a blood test type like test for being trans or not or whatever. And always questioning and not being able to make choices, even on simplest of things, certainly doesn't make it easier.

[@pyroteknik8415]

I’m only halfway through the video, but this has already just alleviated so much stress already. Thank you! This really helps!

[@ekronprinz]

This actually really helped me clear my head up! I've transitioned socially and lived as a man for the past couple of years and felt comfortable with it, but I recently had to move to a different country where I just can't do that, and therefore, have to act and be seen as a woman. I was questioning a lot because I'm not exactly uncomfortable as a woman and I'm 100% sure I could just live on as a gnc lesbian, however looking back at how I was just one or two years ago really makes it hit on how much more happy I am when I can "act" as a man and how freeing it feels to just be a guy. I never had any specific childhood moments that yelled transness other than my overall personality, so many of the videos just didn't help much with that aspect. Appreciating the quiet daily moments where I'm comfortable as a man and journaling them REALLY helped, too! Thank you for this video, truly!

[@lankthedank6931]

I’m definitely happy as a man, and was born a man, but I’m a proud supporter of my trans friends and actually looking into becoming an activist. I’m actually unsure where to start with that though.

[@ws6778]

Oh, Arthur, nothing that I believe you are not already aware of, but there are somethings that I would like to add further to weight into the "economics of gender": This may sound very clichè, but I once was advised by someone who was also advised by a therapist that "if you wonder whether or not you are something, you are probably somewhere in a spectrum of that something", gender is a very broad and diverse spectrum, just because you are questioning your gender does not mean that you are necessarily trans, but also does not mean that you are the "most normal person to ever normal", either, that is also very clichè, but your feelings are valid, there will always be someone out there who will support you. That being said, does also not really matter much what you say that you identify as, instead, I would recommend taking slow steps into exploring your gender expression, finding ways in which you are comfortable in "your own skin" is more important than living to please others and finding a precise label to stick with forever, also no one needs to stick up with anything forever, whether you identify as a feminine man, masculine woman, genderfluid, non-binary lesbian, or even as an he/him lesbian does not make much of a difference if you are comfortable with yourself, that is what is the most important in the end of the day, if you asked me. I once had to come up with an explanation for one of my therapists for why I am trans, the only thing I found to compare my gender with was my race, for some reason, even if I despise gender and race both just as much, and even that being possible to change my appearance, I never had a desire to change the racialized ways in which I look like (on a sidenote, I have nothing against transracial people who would, they have as much right to be happy as us), however, on another hand, I never felt comfortable with the gendered ways in which I look like. Perhaps mostly importantly, paraphrasing the philosopher named Søren Kierkegaard, there are very few things that you can be sure of about existence, but one of them is that you will inevitably have to pay taxes and have regrets until the end, you will always regret what you did do, and, on another hand, you will also regret what you did not do, no one can escape having regrets. Existence is really something unpredictably unreliable, I had no idea I would someday ever be listening to an anxious economist from another side of the world advising me how should I invest my life time and energy in regards to gender, but here we are, we made it this far.

[@arthur_rockwell]

Yes absolutely!! Finding a gender expression which makes you comfortable can be just as profound as finding a gender identity label. I know people who still identify as cis women but find that cutting their hair short has been radical for their self image. So many good things can come out of questioning!

[@ws6778]

@@arthur_rockwell Yup, I even know people who identify as women but seriously want to get a "wand" added surgically to their anatomies, she still calls herself cisgender, she still wants to be socially read and treated as a woman by others. Behind labels, what bothers me is that we have to keep coming up with justifications that we are humans worth the right to be happy... this should be common sense.

[@5lovestarr]

Thank you so much for making this video. I definitely resonate with your experience of not fully vibing with the typical narratives of the trans experience and feeling like I wasn’t valid for it or feeling like I was wrong. I’ve been socially out to some friends and my sister for almost 2 years now and even put my new preferred name and identity as a trans man on my transfer applications for college (idk if I’m fully ready for that but it’s my little leap). Making big decisions has always scared me, but hopefully going about it with this approach will help me solidify to myself who I am and who I’m meant to be

[@sand_eater101]

It’s not that I’m unhappy with my body. I could be skinnier yes, but I don’t care about how I could look, as long as I’m healthy. What does nag me a bit is that I always test myself in the mirror. I go to take a shower, take off my shirt and bra, stare at my chest, flatten it with my hands and then remove my hands to reassure myself that the flat version is more accurate and comforting. I always do this. Flattening my chest and looking at it feels relieving, it looks right. Then I let my hands flop to my sides and I feel either numb or just silent dread. Just a rant. Been out as trans for almost two years, I haven’t regretted a thing

[@Theofficial_Jay]

I do that same thing😭

[@heyfell4301]

I think the "if you're questioning it, you probably are" is really good for reaffirming your identity as trans after you've already figured it out. It's easy to fall for impostor syndrome being trans, especially when you've lived as your assigned sex for a long time. So when I questioned my gender for the first time, did my best research and found out the evidence I needed to confirm my theories, I was still about to back off in denial because there was still that doubt in my mind. So... someone saying how cis people don't usually question their gender really hard, and saying that "if you're questioning it, it probably means something" helped me come to terms with the fact that my conclusions were correct. I've already started socially transitioning slowly, and my impostor syndrome would still be a huge issue if it wasn't for the confirmation that "if I was wrong about being trans I wouldn't have gotten this far. I would've stopped at my very first step." That thought alone wouldn't have convinced me though. I too question everything all the time, so I wouldn't have believed that if I hadn't actively worked on my questions and found the answers for myself.

[@Mcpollo_Justdonalds]

I’ve always felt disconnected from my gender and did not like the idea of s3x because my body is female and having female parts makes me feel disgusting. I don’t know what to do now that I’m experiencing this at a much later age. When people accidentally refer to me as he/him it feels nice. This whole thing is kinda scary because if I were to present myself differently, my family might hate me or shame me for it. I want to try different pronouns and see how it feels but it will be a long time until I can express myself comfortably.

[@opowiescidziwnejtresci1490]

Thank you for this video, this didn't solve my problems but made me think some more what was the point. You and people in the comments caused me to tear up a bit, I can relate so hard to you. I don't watch many trans videos since it tends to cause a whirlwind of thoughts in my head, but it is necessary to keep looking for the right path for oneself so here I am. Don't know if someone else feels that way, but one of many problems with me is that I am afraid that I'm using transition as some magic trick to cure my social problems and phobias. Functioning as a female causes me a great deal of anxiety, fear and unhappiness, and I have this strong feeling that I would be happier and more confident as a man (I love so-called passing, but I'm also constantly afraid of being seen as a female). But then there are these questions - why should I conform to the social stereotypes and be someone else because of how I want others to treat me? When I'm alone with myself, I don't feel 'transgender' - but I guess that is because gender is a social concept as you said, and I don't need it when there's no people around. This leads me to further doubts where I have this feeling I'm /not trans/ - I don't feel that I AM a boy, I don't think of myself as he/him, due to my female voice/body and such, I just /want/ to be a boy, be perceived as one without trying so hard. Or, to be precise - I don't want to be a girl, and in this cursed binary world, if I have to choose, I choose to be a boy (someone described it this way before and that is SO true, so relatable). And I start to wonder that maybe this is exactly what makes me trans. These are just some of my personal experiences, sorry for venting in the comments :')) this film is a blessing and a curse in one, it makes my poor brain think so much

[@bangtanghoul4948]

I fully relate to you and I do the same thing with avoiding trans videos sometimes. Even though I have been considering myself as trans guy for two years now I have doubts when Im by myself or feeling nostalgic to my childhood cuz I feel a sense of loss sometimes and fear. It feels isolating to my own identity sometimes but when out in social situations, there's no doubt that I want to be perceived as a dude and am extremely uncomfortable in general.

[@Whosgehan]

Hey Arthur I just want to say thank you so much for making this video. I have been ultimately questioning my gender since i can remember. Moreso for the past 2-3 years, I've watched a lot of videos and have always struggled with the fact that i might be trans. Your video has by far helped me the best and I know that even if i do move to transition or not following your advice will lead me closer to who i want to be and being who i am confidently. I view this as a huge life choice for me and i know that there will always be a voice in the back of my head saying that i will be happier as a man how i deal with that is for me but i am just glad that other people out there view it the same way i do, I am currently 16 years old turning 17 this year so things are getting real for me but i thing these next years i am goin to have to confront and do something about this recurring theme. Thank you so much for helping me.

[@DxityDoo]

I’ve recently attempted to get on hormones. I’m not 100% sure if its “right” for me but its not like its gonna happen overnight so I wanted to try it and see how I felt and if I didn’t like it, I could always stop. But when I think about transitioning, I feel excited and when I think about not transitioning, I feel numb and down. But when I got to the meeting, I was really nervous and they didn’t think I seemed super confident in my decision so they told me no which was an awful feeling. They weren’t convinced that I *really* had dysphoria because they were really going off those three (well the first two in particular) ‘signs’ you mentioned at the start and I was so nervous that I wasn’t explaining very well. I’m pretty confident in my gender identity and there will be some days where I’m so certain that I want to medically transition, and I’m so excited about it and about the future it’ll help bring, but there are some days where I’m just really nervous about it, or I’m convinced that its not going to change anything so whats the point. This video is a really good approach and thank you for making it.

[@FutureMint]

KZbin really calling me out 💀 Thank you for this! I have only watched 6 minutes and this has already helped!

[@arthur_rockwell]

Ahaha thank you!!

[@FutureMint]

@@arthur_rockwell Mhm! and for step 3 I literally just convinced my parents to let me get a semi-masc hair cut (not out yet bc I would get kicked out :/) and I have never been happier so I think that worked lmao

[@arthur_rockwell]

That's so exciting! Congrats on the new haircut

[@FutureMint]

@@arthur_rockwell Thanks!

[@froggy2128]

Coming out to just a couple people first is definitely something i would recommend! I was feeling 80-90% sure that i was trans and then i talked to my gf about it first. She was super supportive and the first time she called me her boyfriend i knew that i was 100% sure and this is what i wanted bc it just made me so SO happy!

[@danielle7760]

cuz living as a girl feels fine, but living as a boy, that feels just. right. man i have a dentist appointment in 10 mins and im having a breakdown over this 😭

[@guisorefrito5927]

Fr

[@SevenOh7o]

Christian here. This video is extremely interesing and imformative, and has helped me understand trans-people more. A lot of the culture nowadays is not listening to the other side, because we deem each other as monsters and what not, but it shouldn't be this way, because if we want change in the world, we need to talk to each other. And of course, show respect, and compassion. If you do end up replying to this comment, let's try to keep it as civil as possible. We don't want war, we want peace!

[@wanewah212]

I needed this as a wake up call. I’ve been freaking out being home for the summer between semesters at college, because I’m socially transitioning there, yet live in a community where trans people aren’t accepted at all here at home. It’s been eating me up not knowing exactly how to maneuver all the social complexities related to being trans. Ive been trying to get healthier perspectives right now, but I needed permission to see it as a potential choice for myself and not as a way to solidify my validity. It’s okay to take time to understand how I want to approach it, because ultimately this is a big decision and most big decisions require a lot of healthy introspection 😊

[@talesoftableiii1584]

Thank you, I've never thought about transitioning this way before, and I think it feels like a much more "me" version of viewing my gender identity. I really appreciate you sharing this!

[@moosboeke2160]

I've been medically transitioning for almost two years now but it's funny how uncannily similar my experience is! If I lived in the 1900's I probably would've been off OK just living as a female. But thank god I live in this day and age and got to CHOSE the path in life that felt the most authentic and made me the happiest. Really good video, thanks for sharing!

[@kyrusvinter]

I let the ads run fully so that you can get a little boost for helping unrealised-transmen

[@maybe.yellow]

I don't usually comment but I just wanted to let you know how grateful I am that you are sharing your experiences as a trans guy with us. I don't feel so horrible about being trans when I watch you, and I wish that I can someday be as confident in my identity as you are. A lot of your videos have changed the way I view my own transness. So I guess I just wanted to say, thank you, and your videos have genuinely had a positive impact on my life and comfort in my queerness.

[@arthur_rockwell]

This makes me so happy to hear! And I'm sure you'll get there! It took me years to feel confident in my identity and it's absolutely normal to struggle leading up to that point and feel like you have to put in a lot of work. You just don't see most of that because it happened pre KZbin and/of off camera. It's all worth it in the end ☺️

[@nashkoleko]

wow. i’ve never felt so valid - not *validated* per se, but just truly valid. your laid back and matter-of-fact approach made me feel so at peace and calmed so many of my meta-analysis-prone anxieties.

[@acroissant3721]

thank you for this video. im going through a difficult period of questioning, and this offered some comfort and peace.

[@meobeutter2695]

This is such a great video and exactly what I wish I had seen when I was first questioning my gender. I think this is such a healthy way to look at transition that takes it as seriously as it deserves to be taken without turning it into rumination and obsessive self-analysis, which is a trap that's easy to fall down with other methods. I'm glad that people currently questioning their gender have this video as a resource. I'm not really in a process of questioning, having socially transitioned a year and a half ago, but with my eighteenth birthday coming around and an appointment to start testosterone on my calendar, some of those old anxieties about making a mistake did bubble up a little, and in that regard, what you said about how anxiety isn't the right mindset to make decisions, and how those quiet moments of peace are your best guide really resonated with me, so thank you. :)

[@arthur_rockwell]

Aww thank you for such a sweet comment!! That's super exciting on both fronts - turning 18 and having the T appointment scheduled!

[@VivianBostelman]

I've probably watched this video four times now. Thank you so, so much for sharing your experiences. I'm constantly second guessing myself, and my questioning phase has mostly consisted of me trying to "prove" to myself that I'm trans instead of just listening to my own brain and accepting my feelings and desires for what they are. I'm going to start thinking more about what I like about myself and what kind of woman I want to be instead of rooting my identity in self-hatred. Wish I could subscribe twice. You rock dude.

[@jsalt3800]

Thank you for the video! I love listening to the unique introspective of other people who live the transgender experience. I’m a late bloomer (36) and only came out 4 years ago. For the first 3 years I dealt with significant internal transphobia before I seriously started HRT 12 months ago. I tried to make transition a chance. I really gave it a lot of thought as I radically changed from one gender extreme to the other. Ultimately, the thing that made me commit to transitioning was accepting that despite not wanting it, I am trans and that I believed I would rather live my life as a woman. Since making my decision, I have seen a lifetime of chronic depression and anxiety just stop being an issue I’ve found that I can actually live my life instead of my life living me❤

[@inalucky2]

i really appreciate this video. i'll probably watch it again tomorrow. i started really questioning my gender a little over two years ago. and it didn't take me too long to come to the conclusion that it was a major life choice, more than anything else. i'm not certain that transitioning is the right one, but i'm so tired of narratives of transmess as finding some inherent truth inside myself. i'm still very young and feel i've never made a major life decision. i'm inexperienced in the art. i also have terrible trouble imagining a life for myself past next week. i feel both that not transitioning and transitioning will doom me to an unhappy life.

[@arthur_rockwell]

Life gets so, so much better. I marvel every day at how happy I am relative to my youth. When you start feeling able to make major life choices, you're able to shape your world into one that works for you (which is far more than just transition!). Hold out hope - you have a lot to look forward to when you're no longer "very young"

[@AvatarSwiftie]

I don’t know whether or not I’m actually trans. I often think about what it would be like to be girl, and when I do, that life seems like a happy life. My biggest caution with it is that my whole life, everyone has known me as a boy. If I were to change that, then I don’t know how it would go over. I’m just very confused.

[@mineralnoodles]

same

[@wiremouth]

hey just know that you’re not alone, i completely relate to this

[@slyko738]

I can’t really speak to that experience as I transitioned pretty young, but I think starting to meet and connect with other lgbtq people that you know will stand by you no matter what can be comforting. I know a lot of people deal with that and it can be really difficult to try to figure out who you are and how you want to live all while having to consider the consequences of coming out and while Mabye for the better, flipping your whole life upside down. Hang in there, these things are complicated but you have time to consider them and go at your own pace. In the end all I can say is that no matter what you are deserving of love and life and the trans community (at least most of us?) will have your back 🩷🩵🤍

[@thecrystalliaguild]

That last part is so real omg

[@koni5883]

Ye

[@elislater7693]

as someone who also relentlessly questions everything, I've never resonated so hard. this is so good.

[@al-muwaffaq341]

As a gay Muslim man I've ben trying to reflect as this is somethin I've buried down my whole life

[@rameirasocial9531]

I am 10 minutes into this video and I have to say this is the realest video I've ever seen. I struggle so much to relate to how most people describe being trans. I am also deeply exhausted and frustrated with the insistance on the whole childhood, dysphoria, etc narratives. I talked to a psychiatrist about transitioning and she insisted on a lot of those things, and I couldnt put into words succint enough the reason that I was trans, but when you said that being trans is a lived experience I was literally like "RIGHT!?" I think that's why it's so hard for me, like how do I describe my entire day-to.day life though the lens of transness.

[@SapphicTeen]

For me, even as a baby/toddler, I can look back and remember tubbing around the house shirtless yelling "I'm Pete! I'm Pete! I'm Pete" and that's where I got my name. I also begged my mom to get me a "boy" haircut and I can't believe how long I was in denial

[@SapphicTeen]

Running*

[@slyko738]

My childhood was similar. I was here and there when it came to my expression but I never once that I can remember felt like I could say “I’m a girl” naturally. Being a boy was a fact for me, it was just a matter of when other people would find out. Obviously when that time never came and I was stuck heading for a puberty that felt like hell I went through a mental health crisis and eventually with the help and support of my parents came out when I was still pretty young. It’s interesting because while I’ve questioned if I’ve made the right choice (never all that seriously though) I do find confidence in my younger selves decision over my older decision. While I’d consider never transitioning to avoid the transphobia and struggle im aware of as a teen, when I chose to transition as a 12 yo I made the choice oblivious to how the world would treat me, which I think ended with me making a choice that was authentic to my own feelings and not other peoples biases and expectations. Obviously I spent a lot of time experimenting (mostly because my parents wanted me to try different things, I was pretty confident I was a boy) and even up to now I still question things here a there but I feel happy and confident in myself and I don’t think I could have felt the way I do as a women.

[@Nienna_Asyare]

This is probably the single most eloquent, well worded, thorough, and helpful video I’ve seen to answer this question. Thank you so much for making it! I think I understand myself & what I need to do a bit better now, more so than after any other video, that’s for sure lol 💚

[@sebastiantoutetsu6742]

Thank you so much for this video. I have socially transitioned for around two years, and I’m about to start the process to medical transitioning. It has brought a lot of anxiety (and anticipation), and it was like I was back to the questioning phase. Your video really helped to figure out what I really want. I know I am ready for my medical transitioning:)

[@Goldenskies98]

It’s so interesting that I went through such a similar journey of introspection as you and such a similar process. I haven’t really met or spoken to anyone in real life who figured out their transition this way.

[@Lee-nl1tg]

Arthur I cannot thank you enough. This is the video I've been needing for so long now. You are the first person who has laid things out clearly with care and room for nuance. I'm going to get myself a journal and get started on these steps :))

[@arthur_rockwell]

Awww I'm so happy to hear it!!

[@SuperGeneralCrazy]

You are the first person that seemed to resonate with the way I feel a bit stuck and lost, but also afraid to make a mistake. Not just fear of judgement, but fear of jumping into something that might not actually be what I'm actually wanting, or rather the fear of it not being as perfect as I'm want to make everything I do. It keeps coming back to my mind, but I always keep thinking "what if there's something else I'm discontent with instead". Still I've been softly trying to find some excuses to try and feel a bit of what it's like to live as a female, but it's extremely scary and until 6 months ago I felt quite alone, with not a single person that I would trust with this in person and so no where to attempt to understand my feelings. But this video kinda gives me the confidence that the subconscious idea I had gotten until now for getting a little bit more certainty and comfort was alright. Actually it gave me better point for where to look. At least a friend secretly kept calling me with she/her and that didn't feel wrong at all. Not when someone else says it anyways. The pointer of the anxiety is one I will try to keep close to heart. Saved this video just in case I need to hear it again. Thank you very much 💜

[@VizzyInks]

I think this is the first helpful video I have seen here and on TikTok! Thank you so much! I found a therapist who might help me now, and I am already so excited I could explode!

[@switposting]

As much as I relate to the usual "childhood signs" and "dysphoria" tips, I am not someone who can take things at face value, and I often doubt myself. Your video is by far the most helpful one I have ever watched, thank you :)

[@arthur_rockwell]

Definitely relatable! Thanks for the comment ☺️

[@VioletJewel1729]

Hey, I love how you approached this. As a trans person, there is an obligation to discuss these issues carefully and avoid placating yourself in order to make yourself feel better and more reassured in your own dogma. I am a trans woman and *very* carefully evaluated my choice to transition as an adult, and I now know that I made the right decision, but it was scary to make this big seemingly life-saving decision at the time. Trans joy is very important, but so too is it important to have meaningful discussions that help navigate people who would potentially be misled. I think you did an excellent job and have earned another subscriber. I look forward to more videos

[@kiwimiwi5452]

I've had an interesting journey so far. I noticed that I've always tended to like more "masculine" things. I liked all the boy things, I always wanted to be the father or the brother when playing hosue and I had a guy best friend. If you photoshopped my long hair out of many of my childhood photos you'd be greeted by a little boy in sluggish jeans and blue shoes. Two years ago I did a lot of thinking, also thanks to being taken out of my school environment and being alone a lot. I cut my hair short and I LOVED it. I learned how to use makeup to make myself appear to have a faint moustache, and though I had never shown it to anyone (except in a joking manner. I starred in a school movie as a father with a full stache) I've taken hundreds of pictures with it. I deeply wanted a real one and to have a lower voice. Then I learned more about autism and after consulting with my mom, my dad (who also displayes a lot of symptoms, he thinks he has ADHD and I think he has AuDHD), my moms therapist and autistic friends I came out of it pretty sure that I have it. And a part that comes with it is the gender disconnect, how if I was just a floating soul in space I wouldn't have any gender at all. I just loved feeling masculine, being perceived as such and presenting like that, but at the same time I still liked my body and feminine things. Now I do not feel like I fit into any gender. I've grown my hair out into a bob and wear crop tops and dresses, but I'm still not a girl. I'd still like facial hair, an adams apple and a lower voice, and online I still pretend like I'm a dude. I'm not a man though. I'm just me, I like whatever I like and gender has nothing to do with who I am anymore. I do what makes me feel good. Still want that dang moustache tho

[@user-gg8tl5yt7d]

Maybe you need angel bites. They are just piercings but they give mustache vibes.

[@kiwimiwi5452]

@@user-gg8tl5yt7d you're awesome

[@mynametia]

Thank you for making such a well-put, clear video. It’s very helpful to remember the difference between being trans and the decision to transition. The journey to decide whether to transition is such a stressful and confusing process and I often find myself lost in it, so I really appreciate the you listing out clear, actionable steps and the reasoning behind them

[@michaelgamel5915]

0:35 i have never been able to connect with the "look for child hood signs" sign becouse simply how on earth do all of you rember your child hood to that much detail!? All i can rember is fussy thoughts that are more emotions then clear images at this point and even if i can rember something ive started to realise that half the things i rember were just memorys of vivid dreams not stuff that actualy happend!

[@fenixescarlata8171]

THANK YOU for making this video Arthur 🥰 I found it randomly by a KZbin recommendation and instinctly opened it because I've been doubtful of my own decisions in life _every_ time. Such a huge decision like this makes me stress over it a lot and I end up not acting on it and waiting, always waiting. Questioning myself on a daily basis, overthinking about all my thoughts, all my actions, asking myself am I really a man though? am I trans enough? I've literally cried when you said that starting to live as your gender and being happier about it _is_ enough. Thank you ❤

[@julielindqvest7718]

hi. im a cis girl, 14 currently, and i question my gender a lot. i think that i might be trans. but its not that i hate being a girl, no, i like my body, but i know i would feel way more comfortable being masculine, (wearing ''boy'' clothes, having short hair and yappayappa) but iam incredibly scared of not looking good with short hair. i mean, i have a hormonal imbalance, which means i naturally have a ''buff'' and masculine body, but still. when i was a bit younger like 5 years ago when i didnt knew what being trans meant, i wanted to be a boy so badly. i would ask my mom for boy clothes, short hair. but i was told no because that feeling could change. and now, im having troubles with it again. i think if i were trans, male, i would like myself a lot more. often i wear hoodies, (it has gotten worse that month) to hide my hair. i also sleep with them even if its hot. just so i wouldnt have long hair. also i dont feel convedient transitioning. im scared. so, what i actually wanted to say was: its not that i hate being a cis girl, but: i know i would feel better as a male. so, would that be okay? would that make me trans? ( i know i can be simply a masculine girl, but thats not what i want to be. ) I dont do well with changes, so people calling me a different name, calling me he/him, would be a big deal for me. but i dont want it to be a problem to me :(

[@name-nam]

you dont need to hate being cis to be trans. from what i heard, being trans isnt about dysphoria about your assigned gender, but euphoria on the gender youre not assigned as. try to test the waters first and see if it works for you. maybe start with asking your friendgroup to address you as a guy, or if you dont feel comfortable with that, make an anonymous account where you present as a guy. these are pretty reversible so if it doesnt work for you, theres no harm