How to Love Difficult People

On today’s show, we hear about:
- A man wondering if he needs too much from his girlfriend
- A mother unsure of how to care for her son with borderline personality disorder
- A woman struggling to love and respect her husband
Send John your questions. Leave a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or reach out via this page: Ask a Question - Ramsey (ramseysolutions.com) We want to talk to YOU!
As heard on this episode:
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- Hallow - www.hallow.com/delony
- Thorne (25% Off Orders) - www.thorne.com/u/delony
Resources:
• Building a Non-Anxious Life - bit.ly/3EL5ubR
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• Own Your Past, Change Your Future - bit.ly/47q7Skm
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• John's Free Guided Meditation - bit.ly/3MAGpEV
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The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel paralyzed, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well-and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!
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[@jennythomas3959]

Just for the record: "It's a Wonderful Life" is a great movie. ❤ I will forgive the negative comments 😊

[@christinamarin4875]

I like this movie as well!!

[@kevinglazier8950]

Best Christmas movie ever made if you ask me.

[@veronicadowdy4429]

I agree! It is an awesome movie! Classic! Puts me in the spirit! Most overrated to me is Elf, it’s just not that funny.

[@quiltmania58]

I forgive the negative comment, too. I realize that different things speak to different people. We are all at different levels, have different feelings, different experiences. I too, think the message of a A Wonderful Life is inspiring. On the negative comment on "Mary Did You Know"---again I've forgiven it; people who are not taught rhetorical technique have no way of understanding what this song means, so they mock it. I just chalk it up to poor education, and forgive them their ignorance. There is a beautifully written message in that song.

[@beastshawnee]

I think people who have been around actual trauma tend to hate it. I watched it once. That was too many times. I remember thinking “what a big baby. This man doesn’t have any real problems except his life is dull af.”

[@keelhe893]

My heart is broken for the last wife at the end. I don’t even think she should tell her husband she is leaving I think if his emotional abuse continues she should silently pack her bags and leave while he is away and then that will get his attention and show him that she isn’t playing

[@jynclr]

Absolutely. The TWO MOST vulnerable times for an abused woman is when she's pregnant, and when she tries to leave. If the woman who is the last caller in this episode is reading the comments, I hope she heeds your advice: leave. Leave quietly and don't say anything. Leave when he least expects you to.

[@annakopper3043]

That last caller. I feel for you. I was exactly you. Even down the the four kids and violent movies. And the attempts at help and him being unwilling to participate and continue. Walk away. It IS scary, and it is hard. But so is the current situation. I pray you find courage and strength to walk a new path toward a life of peace and healing, even though it is also lonely. ❤

[@cherylskiles8524]

I agree. But it looks like she is isolated, without trusted friends. This is where the abuser wants to keep her. I was there, living that s a child. I pray she finds strength to stand up for herself and make her plan for peace and safety for her and her children.

[@jared3235]

The last caller… don’t be afraid to trust your friends. Theres a lot of people who have gone through something similar. Sometimes we think our friends are going to judge us. But we don’t realize how much they’ve also endured.

[@NiRaSis]

Last woman reminds me of myself and my soon to be ex husband. Except he had been physically abusive on and off throughout the years and cheated multiple times. When you finally leave and the chains fall off, its such an amazing feeling.

[@blueseptember2174]

How many years til you think you felt less devastated on the day to day? It's a long process. I've heard 3 years.

[@NiRaSis]

@@blueseptember2174 Everyones situation is different. You might feel relief right away but still have to deal with the worry of uncertainty/unknowns. Getting away from people who dont value or respect you is worth the worry about anything else.

[@FreeSpirit47]

@@NiRaSis When I was married, I loved sex, I hated what happened afterward. I had to sleep on my right side that faced away from him. He would be facing my back, put his top leg over my hip with a *WUMP*. Then, he would put his arm over my waist & squeeze. I had many dreams of running from thick, heavy gold chains chasing me, then wrapping around me, making it hard to breathe. I would wake up gasping, having to extricate his leg & arm from me. We had a great sex life & I miss that; I don't miss constantly feeling bound with heavy chains whether asleep or going through my days. His severe control issues with all the ish that goes with it, kept me from so much personal growth. Post divorce, it felt like a tremendous weight was lifted, I began accomplishing so much. The dream career I had wanted to pursue was finally mine, I was free to do as I wished without his constant sabotage.

[@tinam761]

@@blueseptember2174it does take a long time and years… it’s good to make peace with a long time frame then to try and short cut it … it doesn’t work (🙋‍♀️) … it will keep coming and waiting to be dealt with and then … more has happened that now needs to be dealt with. A good friend once told me that she wished she waited 5 years to remarry after divorce… and I agree. I didn’t remarry quickly, but I did get into a very committed relationship and chose poorly and suffered and … and… I repeated that … for 20 yrs post divorce of a 20 yr marriage. Take time to heal … choose it before it’s thrust on you. My dad died and it opened up so much of what I had swept 🧹 under the rug to finally face. I’m glad I have, but I made my life so much more painful and difficult the way I did it. Heal. You will only attract people that will … in the end cause more … more pain, more trauma, more you are not enough… time will pass and you don’t want the first few years of working on healing to get in the way of the rest of your life. I WISH I took 3 years to heal so I could enjoy 25 years of love and peace.

[@oilnurturelady2347]

We have my sister with BPD all her 61-yrs since an infant. My mom always said, "If I don't set these boundaries NOW, what happens someday when I'm gone? Her care will fall on you siblings. I don't want that for you." So, mom let her hit it hard. Periodically we would have to help her out again, but in a loving way with attachment rather than get hooked to her dramas again. I see her maybe once a month and we hug and I tell her I love her. She knows that's true. But, I am grateful to my mother for setting it up in such a way that this particular sister can live independently despite her disability. Mom modeled for us that we couldn't do it for this sister. She said those boundaries at about the same age as your son.

[@findinghappiness4800]

My mother has BPD and NPD... growing up with her as a mother was hard... she is emotionally abusive and also physically and financially abusive to my father... I have a lot of childhood trauma from her.. I have suffered from an eating disorder and with self-harm since I was a teenager... I am in recovery 🙏 and I am so thankful for my husband and inlaws for all their support ❤

[@bloomingale7868]

Lady needs to Run from this guy…he needs to focus on himself after stepping out on his last marriage and heal instead of dumping his emotional void on this woman. It’s too much. It’s like she’ll have another child to take care of financially and emotionally instead of a self sufficient and whole partner. Plus he’s a cheater so she probably feels like all men can’t fully be trusted so she needs time to feel like she can totally trust him. He’s rushing things instead of showing his character overtime.

[@DRAGONFLYmanor]

Agreed! So obviously she not into him! Raise your kids, it goes by quickly! Plenty of time to meet a decent man! This guy scares me on so many levels! Cheaters cross boundaries! Nope

[@IrisCarlson-tf5yc]

Take the advice You could endupINDANGER

[@IrisCarlson-tf5yc]

Think ofurchildren.

[@ivegotbees]

Dude is head over heels for this woman. He talks so highly of her and owns full responsibility of this and past relationships. She may not be into it for her own reasons but she sounds like shes sabotaging the relationship because she doesnt trust herself. Hope they work out.

[@drewdelaney4166]

Dr D is right. Their is trauma in my life that my mother will never know. It’s something I will take to the grave with me. It would crush her soul if she ever found out. Plus things that happened in the military she never needs to know

[@nicme]

Wait til daughter is 18 and be together. She needs to put her finances and time towards her child. Not a new family. Her taking a step back was the right decision for her child. He doesn't have to wait for her by any means but he should know that she became that child's mother and that child deserves to not have to compete for her mothers love, time, effort, etc.

[@L-M-O-1]

Her daughter can be loved & not consume 100% of her mother's life. She needs to realize that she is NOT the only nor first person that matters on her mother's life. The mom matters too. Her mom has needs that she can't meet & those needs need to be addressed so she can have a fulfilling life as well. That's why airlines have that oxygen mask rule. Secure your mask before securing others. Make sure you're good & your needs are being met, not JUST your child's.

[@laurawhite1313]

Fc

[@m.935]

​@@L-M-O-1 that child would probably be okay if it was another type of man. This guy is emotionally immature, cheater, and she senses it. She is alarming her mom.

[@sharonbland9061]

If someone comes across controlling, this is such a turnoff. In my younger days, when i dated, if a guy was like this, im sorry he would be gone.

[@susanburrows810]

Shouldn't the adults focus on their kids, their primary responsibility? I applaud parents who do this. They made kids, now take care of them, & stay committed TO THEM. THEM! THEM! They look TO YOU. Please prioritize THEM.❤🙏

[@aya123444]

No. Parents should commit to themselves first. (Not by neglecting kids.) However, putting our desires first is the healthy way to model happiness.

[@marilynnelson3559]

You have no idea ! Boundaries are healthy. There is such a thing as enabling a child so they never grow up!

[@GranmaSam]

I'm almost 62 and adopted 3 of my Grands in 2012. My Daughter, their mother has many mental issues and is unable to care for them. My Mother was BP and committed suicide in 1975, I was almost 13. All of this has trickled down onto our family. I choose to not have a relationship because of kids but also because of my own disorders and my mental issues. Their Mother has been in an 11 year relationship with a young man and she's mentally abusive to him. The kids have no good male/female/parental relationship to look at and I'm worried about that. I'd rather not put them through emotional turmoil though and I know if I were in an intimate relationship, it would be tumultuous.

[@Shan0714SLS]

PENATONIX Baby! Little Drummer Boy and Mary Did You Know… both incredible renditions by this group. 😊

[@brightpage1020]

*LOOOOVE* their ‘Mary, Did You Know’!!!!!

[@treblemaker33]

I love it too. It’s somewhat of a rhetorical question I think, I still feel quite moved by the lyrics ❤

[@grateful7420]

Kelly, “Mary knew” ?!?! It’s insightful - the depth of this mystery- fully God, fully man- humans can not truly comprehend. Profound, thoughtful, deep questions in a brief 3 minute song: Mary did you know your baby boy… …Would one day walk on water? … would save our sons and daughters? … would give sight to a blind man? …Would Calm the storms with his hand ? …Would one day rule the nations? Is Lord of ALL creation? … when you kiss your little baby, you kiss the face of God? … this sleeping child you’re holding, is that great, I AM. Mary knew?!? Lol. I’d venture to say she didn’t comprehend all that. I can hardly comprehend it & I have the entire Bible as historical evidence.

[@brightpage1020]

@@grateful7420 didn't she and Joseph both get angelic visitations? One letting her know and one telling him it was ok to marry her even though she was pregnant because it was God's baby - when he was asking friends and familial advisors if he should call off their wedding?

[@brooke9847]

I get what he means about the teenager shouldn't have power over her mom's dating life but if my daughter was struggling with self harm and she relates it to my engagement then I would definitely call it off like she did.

[@elizabethbrown5289]

💯

[@drewdelaney4166]

That last caller was living in total dream world and Dr D dropped nuclear reality bomb on her life.

[@libertyna933]

I'm worried about the last caller Marie. I'm afraid this has already escalated and that's why he didn't want to continue in therapy. She has to have a long term plan , money, a place to go, and safety for the kids before she gives an ultimatum. This guy is capable of some extremes and you can hear it in her voice.

[@peterlee584]

Marie, please, listen to Dr. Deloney. He's absolutely right. You and your kids deserve so much more than this.

[@starlingswallow]

I have a friend who has BPD, and she is incredibly intelligent! I loved having conversations with her and pulling things apart regarding human behavior, especially. She ended up burning the bridge between she and I and two other friends, it was really really sad. I have been on my own healing journey, and I could not handle the behavior, especially because she refused to admit she was part of the issue we were having and refused, needing help from a professional. I needed to remain in safe and healthy relationships so I had to leave the friendship. I still think about her so often and I miss her! I am just not strong enough to be OK when she is not OK.😢

[@bethl]

Same here. My friend cut me off twice through the years because I told her she needed professional help.

[@Keersten]

I have BPD. Learning to take responsibility and be self aware was very very hard for me. My BPD stems from childhood trauma and the other trauma i have as I got older. I will say.. I have hope she’ll get there. There are days where I take 5 steps forward and 2 steps back. 😢. But I am trying. It’s a struggle.

[@eloisemarie5219]

Last caller - When the cycle of a relationship is good and then bad and then good, that could be the beginning of a cycle of abuse and the abuse only gets worse. You don't sound safe. Silently save up money, get your own bank account & credit card. Get your own storage unit or safe deposit box to put important papers and items in. Call a women's abuse shelter and ask them what to do if you have to leave. Get your own phone not on the family plan. Prepare.

[@GranmaSam]

I have chosen to not have a relationship for almost 10 years because I am still trying to love myself.

[@NopeNotToday26]

I've never been in a relationship for the same reason. I'm not waiting for BPD to disappear rather learning that I can trust myself to deal with it myself without draining anyone else.

[@JamesBond-lt5tr]

There needs to be dbt for families so they can learn the skills and reinforce them with their loved ones. Individuals with borderline personality can be very difficult to work with, once you make the break through, it’s very rewarding for them.

[@Epiphany_nz]

I really couldn't be bothered trying hard to work on a relationship after I'd already been with a difficult person. To anybody who dreams of changing somebody difficult they love, get real. Run!

[@NeuroSeasoned]

Second caller's son is almost certainly undiagnosed autistic. (And this developed into BPD after a couple decades of living in a world that assumes & demands that everyone acts neurotypical). This story is so common in the late-diagnosed ND community. When she said, "he's been like this since he was born!" I thought, yup. His "trauma" is that he is a brilliant, high-making neurodivergent who was treated like he was developmentally on track. So when he made the little mistakes that all kids do, he was parented like "normal". But his little 4-year old autistic (or ADHD, or AuDHD) mind couldn't actually understand the rules and expectations and why he messed up or even how he messed up! So even with the gentlest parenting style, these kiddos internalize that they are unworthy of being known. Their sensory overwhelm and meltdowns are a personal failing. And it's their choice as a little 8 year old, 12 year old, or 26 year old that they feel things so internally and devastatingly. And his internal message his whole life is, "I'm the problem" ...

[@blueseptember2174]

Maybe but i always say 'they can learn". It might take longer, it might be harder but they can learn.

[@sherrygonzales3434]

Not if they are already internalizing their the problem, "learning" different isn't an option

[@TesriaT]

@@blueseptember2174 We can learn, but the thing is if you're in trouble over and over for failing more than others, and you're not learning at the same rate as everyone else, and you're told it's all because because you're not trying/lazy/selfish/there's something morally wrong with you, etc (usually not by *everyone* and not all the time, but often and by enough people or the most important people) you internalise the heck out of that. The stress and shame created then either makes it even harder to learn until you give up (which everyone takes as evidence of your laziness), or you become an overachiever but develop mental health issues and eventually completely burn out, because you're functioning by living in a near-constant state of internalised panic while also hating yourself and hurting yourself daily (eg by subjecting yourself to sensory overload that is literally painful). So yes, we can learn, but that doesn't negate anything in the comment you replied to and by itself will just perpetuate the same problems.

[@rubyb7252]

well bpd is under the Neurodiverse umbrella just like asd/audhd is. Your comment is the story of my husband's life as an audhd individual. Definitely have heard him voice what you've written in your comment before.

[@swan9491]

That's a ton to assume based on the info you have... But what you said is definitely possible. It's SO important for the caregivers of children with ASD to get them the services they need to thrive as early as possible (ABA specialists, speech pathology, paras and aids in school, specific learning programs, etc.). Something I see way too often, being in special education, is parents that basically refuse to accept the fact that their kid is on the spectrum. It's heartbreaking and does nothing but hold the kid back from their full potential. If parents of these kids understand this and accept their kid for who they are, they will have a much easier time parenting in the long run.

[@NopeNotToday26]

Out of a range of diagnoses, one of them was BPD for me. Honestly, these emotions are disgustingly heavy that damn near every time I feel suicidal I really do feel like I am about to take my life. I hate every emotion except for being happy, grateful, and a little mellow so I can rest those days. I HATE depression. I HATE suicidal feelings, and I HATE when my insecurities rise to the surface. The main outlet that saved my life was poetry. Poetry helps me work through the trauma I witnessed and took in. I'm on the way to releasing everything and poetry is helping me to heal.

[@melissazabower339]

It's A Wonderful Life was not meant to be a Christmas movie. It was supposed to be a "soldiers returning from war" movie, and it was supposed to release the following spring. But the movie that the studio wanted to release at Christmas wasn't ready. It only became a Christmas movie in the 80s when the copyright ran out and EVERY station played it ad museum between Thanksgiving and christmas.

[@wonder12374]

Caller 1 - Sounds like this person doesn't realize that the woman is dodging a huge bullet. (Lying about debt🚩, cheating on his ex wife to feel a spark🚩, falling in love immediately with new woman🚩, being really needy🚩)...yeah she is trying to dodge him and I hope she does.

[@Nikitaxo24]

Hes a love addict. He needs to work on himself.

[@runnergrandma9171]

O Janelle! The BPD mom! I feel you! My daughter has it! I am in the valley and sure wish I could go to lunch with you!!! Dr John I totally needed this!!! Being a parent of BPD is so hard and such a roller coaster!!

[@starrpatrick2905]

I’ve been telling this person inside of me and she’s 14/15/16 and I tell her, I’m going to be the adult now, you can rest. I love you.

[@darralansman9895]

21:54-22:45...This is a powerful piece of truth... "Look in the mirror with your fist in your chest and say, 'I love this guy.' None of the rest of the stuff gets better, none of the rest of the stuff heals until you're okay with you because if you're not okay with you, everybody feels you trying to get something from them but that always ends up in an unhealthy dynamic." Unfortunately, this is the truth. When your spouse craves the love and attention that is like oxygen to them, they suck the oxygen from you. They become manipulative in so many ways, just to get what they need, like an addict looking for the next fix. It's exhausting, physically and emotionally, to try to be everything someone else needs. We are all responsible for filling our own needs; from our faith and our inner self. Sure, others can nourish us but they can't sustain us indefinitely; and if that's expected, it's very selfish.

[@jcszot]

Yes, Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Lol. 😂😂😂😂😂

[@m.935]

Guilt tripping doesn't lead us anywhere, yet I think there is so much healing in accepting responsibility as a parent. Yet oftentimes parents have no idea (or cannot deal with it) how their kids end up that way. I lost count on how many times I've heard: "We are such a good family, I don't know how my child ended up like that, but I know she/he is like that since birth (implying it is not them, but child's fault)". Trauma is not only some major event, it could be literally a parenting style that was widely accepted but in reality very dismissive, harsh and emotionally neglectful in that critical period of growing up. For example: 1. Invalidating or critical parenting, where the child's sense of self is not acknowledged or accepted, can contribute to a fragmented or unstable sense of self. 2. lack of appropriate emotional support from parents during times of distress, can increase the risk of self-harm or suicidal behavior in the child later on in life. 3. Modeling of aggressive or explosive behavior by parents, or experiencing frequent conflict or criticism, can lead to difficulties in managing anger. 4. Lack of emotional warmth, affection, or attention from parents can leave the child feeling empty and unfulfilled. 5. Emotional neglect, emotional abuse, or invalidation of the child's emotions can lead to difficulties in regulating emotions and extreme emotional responses. 6. Lack of consistent discipline or boundaries, or inconsistent consequences for behavior, can contribute to impulsive behavior in the child. 7. Invalidating the child's experiences, emotions, or identity, such as dismissing the child's interests, preferences, or beliefs, can lead to confusion and uncertainty about one's own identity. 8. Modeling of unstable or chaotic relationships within the family, such as frequent arguments, separations, or divorce, can normalize this behavior for the child. 9. Inconsistent caregiving, frequent separations, or emotional unavailability from parents can create an underlying fear of abandonment in the child.

[@peterlee584]

The third call definitely refers to an abusive marriage. The wife is in complete denial and would rather put the blame on his religious conflict rather than call out his behaviour for what it is.

[@youcanthandletheheat]

John I called in to your show last week and left a message. I need help. I have two parents who I believe are narcissists they are draining the life out of me and my siblings. There are 3 of us kids but as the oldest I have take the brunt of the abuse my entire life. I have been financially supporting my father since I was 14 years old. The last few years I have cut him off and only buy him food as he has a severe heart condition and is in disability only. My mother, I don't know where to start. I need help learning how to deal with her. I have so much anger. For at least 4 years I begged her to go see a doctor and she would go nuts on me if i pushed. She can barely walk and she has a horrible constant cough. Last year she had a stroke which didnt havet to result in her being as disabled as she is now. That day is where alot of my most current anger comes from and i feel that your the person i need to tell this to. I just want to know what I can do to survive better. I feel like that's all I've ever done. Just survive.

[@bethl]

I’m sorry you are in this situation. Dr D doesn’t answer comments here. Send in your question again on his website. I hope you have a good counselor helping you figure out where your boundaries are. It sounds very complicated.

[@schrysanthemum]

You say you need help learning how to deal with your mother, I've found myself in a similar situation. I got help from Dr ramani, she teaches the DEEP technique and it is an amazing tool in navigating these relationships. She has youtube videos that explain step by step. Sad thing is no matter how much you beg for people to change it may not happen. We gotta focus our mental energy towards things within our control. Most days I'm in survival mode too. You're not alone

[@maybhicks9596]

Fr

[@dabd8175]

Submit

[@sackettfamily4685]

If you believe in the states, there's stare medicaid that will take care of them. Seriously....if they are abusive and manipulative, leave. Strangers can take care of them and you can live your life with healing and peace. If you don't live in the states, I would figure out a bare minimum involvement and get someone else, possibly a more sheltered sibling(s) or a stranger to care for them. You don't have to torture yourself because they have made a pit of bad decisions. (I'm a stranger on the KZbins with hardly any information or experience. Get a therapist for creating boundaries and exploring your damages.)

[@Jmc989]

I'm not making excuses for the last caller's husband. However, if someone is unsure of their worldview and it has shifted, it can make you so stressed, you turn angry. How you view the world is your foundation to life. And the transition can be hell.

[@BellClan37]

Book Recommendation: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. More about romantic but really good on taking care of yourself and holding healthy boundaries

[@kdesha6130]

Thank you for this program. The first two calls have spoken differently to my heart.

[@brightpage1020]

Whoa 😮 the silence - the woman whose husband swears and shows the kids violent movies… This is deep. This gal is just realizing it really is as bad as she fears it might be. But then she has to change. Because he won’t take responsibility. But she has to. For her kids’ sake. And she will. But this moment feels like dawn to her of a scary reality. That guy doesn’t get boundaries. Doesn’t see them as valid, valuable or important enough to respect as normal human decency. I’m sure he has his reasons… but that’s not her problem. She depends on him for at least something or some things… that’s why she struggles to leave him. And it’s not always bad like this. But now it is. She’d never let another person act this way towards her or in front of her kids so why does she grant him that luxury? Without consequence. Does she feel she can’t control or predict his flare ups because that’s how abusive relationship cycles work to keep the victims off track? So they have to hyperfocus on their abuser for security with, for, and from them. Right? Jee whiz. With a kid, too. That’s the rub. All of society knows what happens to single parent kids. And with the economy like this… Which risk? The clear and present danger and harm that might seem nameable even though it’s beyond the bounds, or the unknown future? Which would be more mitigate-able at this point? Tough choice. For sure. I hope she gets qualified, caring help today from ongoing counseling and makes a safety plan for either way no matter what. She certainly is not alone.

[@brightpage1020]

At least 25% of the country probably dealing with this, now, too. At least.

[@blueseptember2174]

I live this life currently. It sucks. But you do what you have to and hope one day you see you made the correct choice in an impossible situation. And you understand many wives and exwives before you and after you have lived through this same scrap storm so you will make it too. ❤

[@mimiann2372]

Prayers to the last lady. Hoping she is safe

[@mandy3486]

Ive struggled with depression by while adult life and when diagnosed my parents definently fell down the rabbit hole making it about them and their fault. It wasnt. It was about me and how my brain works

[@leigh-anneobrien3299]

Hand on heart. "I love this guy". YES!!!! Thank you.

[@rozee1507]

To the last caller, i am here for you.I am going through something similar.

[@ariellemiles1464]

Love your show!

[@carolepoirier1924]

Dear John, You’re truly the best! I can relate to two people you gave advice to recently. I enjoy listening to your analysis. I’m learning a lot. I feel as if you are a close friend. Great show! Thank you for everything! 🌼

[@jaimelynne3514]

This was so helpful (the part with the Mom and son with BPD). Thank you for your videos. Keep them coming!

[@zacharyfair6738]

He down played the teenage daughter cutting/suicide attempts soooooo much. My girlfriend is with her "kids" and just doesn't have time for me. HELLO, because her daughter is trying to kill herself...........

[@tinam761]

He’s not fully getting it … maybe 🤔 it is part of a plan to manipulate the mother … also, her dad blew her life up and she wants stability with her mom and siblings “like it used to be” I think it’s maybe not the right time now. So much is going on.

[@storyofzero]

This is my favourite episode. The grounding and caring in your approach is inspiring and heartwarming 💕

[@andrewwhite2164]

I think everyone here in the comments is missing some information. Matt said that he had told her he was in financial trouble but when he showed her, it was more than she thought. He even said they were working through it together. And he never stated that he lied or hid the previous affair. I actually give him props for admitting to it considering a lot of people wouldn’t own up to something like that. Doesn’t make it right or mean he’s clear of it. It’s still a lingering thought in your significant others brain, but it genuinely sounded to me like he was looking to grow and help himself. She needs to be there for her child, especially with the angst and resentment I’m sure she’s feeling towards her father for ruining the family and then marrying the paramour. But Doc is right, that child shouldn’t hold the power to choose who/if mom can date. I’m sure between his financial situation and the rubber band that has been the relationship, he’s being super hard on himself and feels like he’s failing and he’s been grasping at her to have something he can feel proud of. They need to communicate better and he needs to feel like he can love himself. “Only women, children and pets feel love unconditionally. Men are loved based on what they can provide”

[@keelhe893]

I agree. Matt didn’t sound like a terrible man. Honestly I thought Dr. John would’ve told him to leave her because she is emotionally unavailable and seems a bit selfish. I know her child needs help but why drag him along in oblivion maybe she needs to not date and focus on her child. Matt sounded self hating to me because he kept saying how wonderful she is and she is his everything because that is not normal but idolatry. Hoping Matt is learning to love himself and I hope his girlfriend and her daughter receive healing and help too

[@marijagrinevica8809]

An excellent 3x1+bonus episode. Very educative, just listening to all this. The speed how you switch from serious talk to jokes and back again is startling indeed! Greetings and best wishes from a teacher in the far-away Europe! Keep up the fantastic job you're doing!

[@FreeSpirit47]

That first call! WOW! There were so many important details left out that could have been contributing factors to the relationship problems. How many children did Matthew have? What are the ages of Matthews children? What is the custody arrangement between Matthew & his former wife? If Matthew is, indeed, a Marine (once a marine, always a Marine), how could he have student loan debt? The military usually takes care of that or at least part of it. Adultery is a crime under the UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice). When he cheated on his wife, was he AD or R? Matthew brought a bag of venom vipers to the relationship. It would benefit him plus others he brings into his life, for him to stop dating, start working on solving his inner turmoil. Learn to be happy alone instead of depending on someone else. When a person is happy, having learned to be happy, being single & celibate, they will be happy with or without a romantic relationship. Having debt & lying about it? OMG! That's another whole bag o venomous vipers. The guy has more problems than a math book. His girlfriend's teen age daughter or really any child of divorced parents, already loses being a focus for one parent when that parent re-marries someone else. When Matthew & his girlfriend became engaged OF COURSE the girl was angry! She was already on the back burner with her father. Then, she was put on a back burner again as her mother's attention became sub-divided with mom's boyfriend, proposing marriage. This 14-year-old NEEDS to be someone's priority. Matthew doesn't like it when his girlfriend gives her 14-year-old, her mostly undiluted time & attention. This can easily set the 14 yr. old up for drug use, an abusive romantic relationship, a teen pregnancy, mental health problems, just needing to be someone's priority. If Matthew is so needy, if the two do, actually get married, he will further occupy her as his wife, hurting the 14 yr old already aching for love, attention. If Matthews girlfriend is smart, she will break up with this needy, lying, cheating, financially strapped guy, put her focus on her daughter, which her daughter needs, keep building her career.

[@jolynn89]

👏🏼💯

[@CaliCoast805_lovin_life]

I was so thinking the same things and agree 100%. Thank you for doing all the typing for me!

[@annakoon5563]

Janelle, stay strong with the boundaries. We adopted a 12 year old who had RAD. We didn’t know that prior to adoption. She’s been hospitalized 10 times for suicide attempts/ or desire to end her life. One of those attempts was because I had friends over and she felt I wasn’t giving her attention. Another time was because my older daughter had surgery and she later admitted she was jealous of the attention she got post surgery so she attempted suicide. Another landed her in PICU where I had to witness her being revived twice. (You may have your own PTSD because it can be hell on the family). She had instigated arguments out of nowhere to the point of running away. It’s been SO hard!!!! I come from a family of origin with a personality disorder so I knew a little bit about boundaries, thankfully. Anyway, our trauma counselor was against us sending our daughter away to get help (she’s 19). However, we had been trying connected parenting for 6 1/2 years but continued to be held hostage emotionally in our own home. It just wasn’t working. I’m the trauma community it’s referred to as the “nurturing enemy”. It was hurting relationships with our other children. We made the choice to send her to residential treatment and I’m so glad we did! We are starting to see improvement. We went to see her in September. When we left, she attempted suicide. When she got out of the hospital, she asked us when we were coming back to see her. We told her that we couldn’t come back until we saw sustained change and unfortunately that would mean she wouldn’t see us again until 2024. This gave her incentive to work hard in therapy. The phone conversations with her have been much more pleasant. And honestly, we needed a break to have normalcy again that we haven’t had since early 2017. I can now look back and see what a war zone we were in. It was awful!! Boundaries will help everyone. Mom guilt is real! You’re so right. I’ve felt it. I also had to understand that my daughter had figured that out too and used it to her advantage. Give yourself a break and know that you’re absolutely doing the right thing. Virtual hugs to you.

[@bethl]

Bless you. How incredibly difficult.

[@annakoon5563]

@@bethl thank you for that validation!

[@keelhe893]

Thank you for loving an and adopting a child who has no one else. Thank you for adopting this child and seeing her as your child despite the difficulties in raising her. Praying healing and help for you and your family ❤️

[@annakoon5563]

@@keelhe893 Thank you! ❤️. We love her and are glad to see her healing. I’m praying she can continue to heal and grow so that she can have a joyful and abundant life!

[@Ciera_Banks]

How did you send her away if she’s 19?

[@eecneihappy]

Awesome advice and deep episode

[@chilloften]

Nowadays, the thinking is that BPD is CPTSD. So folks are going to need their own work on how they may have passed this on to the children. I heard not one word out of that mothers mouth on what her contribution has been to this. If the child was sensitive he needed you to help him with it.

[@traddydad1997]

The solution you presented for the kid with personality disorder is probably VERY close to what God is doing as our Father in Heaven.⛪😇

[@Nikitaxo24]

That's sooo true. Reminds me of this verse..For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. Like a person filled with sin angry at himself for keeping doing what he hates. God giving him many chances to get rejected again and again. God loves us more then we deserve. Loved your comment.

[@momoffive1081]

Oh, Marie. Sweetie I've BEEN there!! And now I'm a single mom of FIVE!! My ex did the EXACT SAME THING!! He was a devout man of faith or I wouldn't have married him!! And now? Post-divorce he's paying for s3x and just a horrid shell of the man I married. I made it 18 years but prayerfully she can get away SAFELY!!

[@CaliCoast805_lovin_life]

❤sorry for pain but glad you are not being mistreated any longer! ❤💪

[@momoffive1081]

@@CaliCoast805_lovin_life thank you ❤

[@findingaway5512]

It's a wonderful life is my absolute favorite Christmas movie!!! But I don't even get to watch it every year I think everybody watched it last year with me or the year before which was honestly one of the first years we watched it as a family I feel like because it's the one Christmas movie that my husband isn't completely in love with he is a very big Christmas fan of all of the other movies that are Christmasy. So anytime I actually get to see It's a wonderful life that makes it even more special we used to watch it all the time when I was growing up at Christmas. I need to go watch it with my mom or something. She loves it too.

[@read4me]

KELLY… you are my long lost Christmas sister. Hate It’s a Wonderful Life. Make my students and family watch Muppet Christmas Carol EVERY YEAR ❤

[@CHrisPetE056]

I love your show. It’s been my beth week ether. 😂

[@gvintage]

I think the female caller is beginning to realize it's a far worse situation that she thought. When loving him is hurting you.. is a great book. Emotionally destructive marriage by Leslie Vernick.. if she reads those or listens on Audible she will find more answers to her situation. Marriage counseling won't work. Go on your own. Been there done this. 29 years and divorced. You have to heal and be better regardless if he ever does. This is painful to hear.

[@selmamartin8737]

My mom says the best thing that ever happened to her brother was when his wife dropped the kids off with his mother and left. She was arrested for writing hot checks to the grocery store while he spent his paycheck drinking. She told them I am going to make a life for me and my kids without you. He decided that his wife and kids were more important than running around. They built a great family life after that. The marriage was strong until the day he died, many years later.

[@freespiritwithnature4384]

If we can all learn to choose our battles wisely, we'll be okay. I used to be a workaholic, working 86 hours a week, including making everything from scratch, including bread ,raising 3 children. One day, while canning my veggies from my garden, I popped a snap pea into my mouth and burned my tongue. 64 neighbour's sprayed their lawns with insecticides and pesticides and landed on my vegetable garden, and I got sick with autoimmune disorder. I stopped processed foods, and I chose to remove toxic people from my life. It was hard , but it actually made e healthier. IMO ,my favorite Christmas movie is " [A Christmas Story ]" with Ralphie. If you haven't seen it ,it's worth watching. I hope everyone has a very merry christmas and a safe one at that.❤ 🇨🇦 . We're going to buy the movie because you probably have to rent it, but we love it ,and it's crazy.

[@RiverPaisley]

You’re helping a lot of people.

[@nancydtrujillo2389]

Oh marie. 😢 i can relate to your story 100%. Youre not alone. I wish you well. I hope you find help. And a friend to talk to. Im here all alone and I wish i had a friend to talk to. Wish u the best ❤

[@bdaniwithpeople]

Dr. John, my mom loves the little dummer boy song and the cartoon. Couldn't agree with you more 😂

[@MiamiChica]

Don’t tell someone you’re leaving. It’s dangerous bc they can murder you.

[@user-pl4pi5hp6m]

It’s respectful and is the right thing to do. Your just scared from past experiences or something

[@elainaweeks7937]

Mom, it isn't about what you feel. What's more important is him LEARNING, the consequences of his adult behavior.

[@missclover7781]

The first caller sounds like attachment issues! Adam lane the attachment specialist would be a great person to have on your show to interview!

[@mommakimmins5554]

Love languages do not need to be the same to be compatible. They need to be understood and utilized. I know my love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. My husband's is acts of service. I spent years screaming at him in my love language, wondering why I was going unheard. It was when I took the time to learn his love language and start using it that he began using mine in turn. It's very nice to not only get love in the way you understand it best, but see the love in their face when you love them in ghe way they understand it best.

[@jcszot]

In regard to the Marine . The late, great Louise Hay used to talk about mirror work, and how therapeutic it was. Thank you for your service. Merry Christmas and happy New Year.

[@hansonallie]

BPD = I hate you don’t leave me.

[@Shan0714SLS]

Sing it Dr. John!!! 👏🏻🤘🏻🤣❤️

[@pejisan]

caller 1 - she is putting kids first as she should.

[@karenlubeck3294]

DBT is a very good method for treatment for son that has BPD.

[@31Sunshine]

Its plain & simple. It's sad but... She's just not into him.

[@valeriezaric]

He's very into her, and may have freaked her out with it all!

[@31Sunshine]

@@valeriezaric Yeah I agree...

[@Grabasteakandchill]

He sounds exhausting to me. Using big words, but can't get his finances in order. Nah, no thanks.

[@jenandreb]

I LOVE It’s a Wonderful Life! It’s not a classic for being a bad movie

[@catlover2223]

As a fellow “It’s a Wonderful Life” hater, you rock girl!

[@DestinyA83]

I'm 97% positive my daughter has Petulant BPD. I just found it a couple months ago and had her listen to a 20 minute video explaining it and she about crapped!! Edit She's 20

[@thereflextester]

The woman's always right with John

[@bettybutterbean5759]

HaHaHa we call it the wasp dance here! 🤣 Good analogy!

[@lorrainebaker1029]

I understand so well what she's going through.. My daughter has BPD and I'm afraid of her at times because when angry she takes it out of me.. I feel like walking away sometime but how. I'm a divorced women and live on a Greek island.. Luckily there is help but she doesn't except it.. Thank you. because your advice has reached me also. I am in counselling to keep me sane. Perhaps it would help this women also..

[@yeah6281]

The 3rd caller is relatable. I have a friend who's on the same situation, it's a sad situation. She keeps asking how to be invulnerable with his attitude, like what? The worst part is, he's alcoholic.

[@DestinyA83]

I've actually never heard anyone say their love language is the reason why they can't date someone. It's ONLY ever been just so the other person can have something to go off of when trying to please the other person without the person having to spell out exactly everything that they'd ever want from the other person. And I always recommend people retake the test every few months

[@jennifertiitinen9006]

My son wants to blame me and not acknowledge the world I dedicated to him and our amazing experiences

[@sarahcouture24]

YES! I was just gonna say Muppet Christmas Carol!

[@jennifertiitinen9006]

Moms will always feel guilty when they care so much 😊

[@brightpage1020]

This seems like a lustful and addictive relationship. It has trouble written all over it. If he feels like he can’t breathe without her… he needs to work on himself. He may be in a vulnerable position right now: - About to leave a firm that undervalues his work - has gotten a divorce already for stepping out on another wife…so might feel insecure. Does he have an income to land in or is she it? Did he step out on that wife with this fiance? This feels like limerence to me. If he needs her to complete him, then he should work 1st on completing himself or they’ll both drown trying to hold him up. Love that he says she is the light of his life. I wish my husband felt that way about me. 😂 But real marriage isn’t one peak moment after another. It isn’t just sparklers and lights all the time. It’s dirty laundry piling up, dishes in the sink, bills, kids throwing toys at you for telling them they can’t always have life their way… a dog chewing up your best dress shoes and pooping Italian leather on the floor getting sick. It’s choosing between being late an umpteenth time or wearing mismatched socks because you were busy doing dishes or cleaning somebody else’s physical or emotional puke and haven’t matched the box of socks out of the dryer yet. You see the whole person, proverbial warts and all (or literal, these days). And their baggage of issues doesn’t ruffle your feathers enough to throw the baby out with the metaphorical bathwater. You respect each other more than you want each other or “crave” each other. So if they slow down calling, you get that it’s that they need a little space or are busy because you trust them and you back off to give them that space, presuming if anything was wrong between you they would communicate that clearly out of respect for you as soon as they are ready. You don’t push. A good marriage can’t handle the constant ups and downs or highs and lows of like bipolar relational cycles… Really great marriages are stabilizing. Not up and down in dramatic fashion. Not hot and cold. They make you feel like you can exhale… not that you’re a fish out of water, desperately flip flopping to jump back in the lake. This woman’s kid is needing more support right now. If the dude in her life also needs extra support for his woman needing to be there more for her kid now, then he becomes another emotionally needy kid in her life competing with her actual child for her attention. That’s hard to respect and impossible to meet. I mean, the lady is trying to help her kid save their own life from suicide. They need a break from the responsibility of helping another adult breathe for now. The real kid has to be her priority. It just has to be that way. She is a mom. She can’t breathe if her kid commits suicide, right? Emotionally? I mean… ever met a mom who has been through that? I have. Listen, this is just how it has to be. If you need her to focus on you when she needs to focus on her daughter then you’re soaking up the resource of her energy which is already pretty stretched thin right now. You gotta give her space to take care of herself and her daughter. You gotta show her you are that secure with yourself and your relationship. That will impress her to respect you more, not less. That would show respect for what they’re going through. And would be stabilizing. If she feels like she’s good with you, you are a grown up and you’ll get her focus shift as necessary at this point, not take it personally. Otherwise you could risk coming across as selfish.

[@sairaphilip437]

It's healthy to have some form of communication when apart from your partner. It's also about respecting the partner who needs communication. Other than that I agree with you.

[@treblemaker33]

This is very well written imho

[@brightpage1020]

@@sairaphilip437 oh yeah there are healthy levels of communication for sure but he called in on himself because he related to the other called who seemed obsessive.

[@brightpage1020]

@@treblemaker33 thank you!

[@Nikitaxo24]

Agreed..some who is in recovery from love addiction. He needs help. I seen the signs in the first instance.

[@jennifertiitinen9006]

He’s 28 and super intelligent and super funny

[@AlexandriaBozza]

I get and agree with dr D on the first call, but also what if she really isn’t giving him the bare minimum?

[@ariellemiles1464]

That is true.

[@mmkvoe6342]

This mom in call two needs Co-dependents Anonymous. And as one expert in eating disorders and working with inpatient treatment taught, what is mainly taught to those with disorders (and all the rest of us need more work on learning it too most of the time) is to isolate and identify five things: 1. What the Spirit of God is saying 2. What our heart is saying 3. What our mind is saying 4. What our emotions are saying 5. What our appetites are saying And emotions and appetites should then never be "listened to"/"trusted"/"obeyed." They are at the bottom of the list and as John often teaches, once we listen to and know what they are saying, then the goal is to demand evidence from them and ultimately not live according to their dictates. And really, the Spirit of God speaks through the combination of our mind and heart. But the expert reminded that when we have trouble identifying what's actually being said on the "1" level, then what we go with is what our heart is actually saying, and so we also obey our heart's dictates over our mind too. This can be practiced and taught to kids starting pretty young too.

[@jennyf308]

It's a Wonderful Life is the best movie ever made. I'm now questioning all of this show's advice 😂

[@maritahartmann591]

Last caller... This woman feels powerless. Cussing is one thing. Cussing at someone is another. Unacceptable. She needs to find her power.

[@veronicamoo6380]

If that last husband did have some good beliefs and morals and loved his family, then I think it's a perfect example of spiritual warfare.

[@melissashelton1447]

The lady that that called about her husband changing values...100% he is abusing her. Her voice sounds hushed like he is in the house and she is scared of him.

[@malteserjones1502]

What I don’t understand is why didn’t the mom with bpd son get him help when he was smaller? I feel like she swept it under the rug to not deal with it and now he’s an adult and she can’t control his behavior. She said he’s been like this since he was born for crying out loud!!!!! Sorry but she did NOTHING for him and now she’s riddled with guilt and wants to wash her hands clean.

[@sharonbarlow1506]

What??? It’s a wonderful life is a Great movie, we watch it every year

[@soul1380]

The last caller.... her husband is questioning the LDS Church. He is in a stage of opposition to the belief system he was raised with. She's having a tough time accepting the marriage image she had that is now going on a different direction because he is choosing a different behavior.

[@karij8113]

I’m LDS and I get the whole thing of people changing over time in their beliefs…..that can be worked with. What this woman’s problem is her husband being contentious and having contempt for and towards her. Dr Delony was spot on in advising her to set boundaries with him, and to serve up the consequence of leaving if his behavior continued. The religion isn’t the problem, his behavior is.

[@tinam761]

I also don’t like It’s a Wonderful Life !!! To me it’s an energy and joy sucker and I never told others because it’s so famous etc. I have tried over and over and I quit. I do hit like “It’s a Wonderful Life” and I don’t have to - to love Christmas 🎄

[@dannmurray1199]

If I were a mother and my husband became abusive I would have him removed from the house with a no contact order rather than uproot my children and become homeless. He can support himself and get his own place.

[@diggernash1]

Where can a person find motivation for self growth if they do not desire better relationships with others?

[@JonOldAccount]

When is John’s show live??

[@melanieb2132]

It's not live.