How to Love Difficult People

[@oilnurturelady2347]

We have my sister with BPD all her 61-yrs since an infant. My mom always said, "If I don't set these boundaries NOW, what happens someday when I'm gone? Her care will fall on you siblings. I don't want that for you." So, mom let her hit it hard. Periodically we would have to help her out again, but in a loving way with attachment rather than get hooked to her dramas again. I see her maybe once a month and we hug and I tell her I love her. She knows that's true. But, I am grateful to my mother for setting it up in such a way that this particular sister can live independently despite her disability. Mom modeled for us that we couldn't do it for this sister. She said those boundaries at about the same age as your son.

[@jared3235]

The last caller… don’t be afraid to trust your friends. Theres a lot of people who have gone through something similar. Sometimes we think our friends are going to judge us. But we don’t realize how much they’ve also endured.

[@annakopper3043]

That last caller. I feel for you. I was exactly you. Even down the the four kids and violent movies. And the attempts at help and him being unwilling to participate and continue. Walk away. It IS scary, and it is hard. But so is the current situation. I pray you find courage and strength to walk a new path toward a life of peace and healing, even though it is also lonely. ❤

[@cherylskiles8524]

I agree. But it looks like she is isolated, without trusted friends. This is where the abuser wants to keep her. I was there, living that s a child. I pray she finds strength to stand up for herself and make her plan for peace and safety for her and her children.

[@mirimalloy2758]

As someone with BPD being used to being hated and feared and cstastophised by the world, every time you say you LOVE people with BPD i almost cryyy

[@drewdelaney4166]

Dr D is right. Their is trauma in my life that my mother will never know. It’s something I will take to the grave with me. It would crush her soul if she ever found out. Plus things that happened in the military she never needs to know

[@peterlee584]

Marie, please, listen to Dr. Deloney. He's absolutely right. You and your kids deserve so much more than this.

[@keelhe893]

My heart is broken for the last wife at the end. I don’t even think she should tell her husband she is leaving I think if his emotional abuse continues she should silently pack her bags and leave while he is away and then that will get his attention and show him that she isn’t playing

[@jynclr]

Absolutely. The TWO MOST vulnerable times for an abused woman is when she's pregnant, and when she tries to leave. If the woman who is the last caller in this episode is reading the comments, I hope she heeds your advice: leave. Leave quietly and don't say anything. Leave when he least expects you to.

[@emilywire28]

💯

[@WendySalima]

She's talking so low and meekly that honestly it sounds like a bad situation and she needs to leave.

[@NiRaSis]

Last woman reminds me of myself and my soon to be ex husband. Except he had been physically abusive on and off throughout the years and cheated multiple times. When you finally leave and the chains fall off, its such an amazing feeling.

[@blueseptember2174]

How many years til you think you felt less devastated on the day to day? It's a long process. I've heard 3 years.

[@NiRaSis]

@@blueseptember2174 Everyones situation is different. You might feel relief right away but still have to deal with the worry of uncertainty/unknowns. Getting away from people who dont value or respect you is worth the worry about anything else.

[@FreeSpirit47]

@@NiRaSis When I was married, I loved sex, I hated what happened afterward. I had to sleep on my right side that faced away from him. He would be facing my back, put his top leg over my hip with a *WUMP*. Then, he would put his arm over my waist & squeeze. I had many dreams of running from thick, heavy gold chains chasing me, then wrapping around me, making it hard to breathe. I would wake up gasping, having to extricate his leg & arm from me. We had a great sex life & I miss that; I don't miss constantly feeling bound with heavy chains whether asleep or going through my days. His severe control issues with all the ish that goes with it, kept me from so much personal growth. Post divorce, it felt like a tremendous weight was lifted, I began accomplishing so much. The dream career I had wanted to pursue was finally mine, I was free to do as I wished without his constant sabotage.

[@tinam761]

@@blueseptember2174it does take a long time and years… it’s good to make peace with a long time frame then to try and short cut it … it doesn’t work (🙋‍♀️) … it will keep coming and waiting to be dealt with and then … more has happened that now needs to be dealt with. A good friend once told me that she wished she waited 5 years to remarry after divorce… and I agree. I didn’t remarry quickly, but I did get into a very committed relationship and chose poorly and suffered and … and… I repeated that … for 20 yrs post divorce of a 20 yr marriage. Take time to heal … choose it before it’s thrust on you. My dad died and it opened up so much of what I had swept 🧹 under the rug to finally face. I’m glad I have, but I made my life so much more painful and difficult the way I did it. Heal. You will only attract people that will … in the end cause more … more pain, more trauma, more you are not enough… time will pass and you don’t want the first few years of working on healing to get in the way of the rest of your life. I WISH I took 3 years to heal so I could enjoy 25 years of love and peace.

[@Riot_Bird]

My mother has BPD and NPD... growing up with her as a mother was hard... she is emotionally abusive and also physically and financially abusive to my father... I have a lot of childhood trauma from her.. I have suffered from an eating disorder and with self-harm since I was a teenager... I am in recovery 🙏 and I am so thankful for my husband and inlaws for all their support ❤

[@jennythomas3959]

Just for the record: "It's a Wonderful Life" is a great movie. ❤ I will forgive the negative comments 😊

[@christinamarin4875]

I like this movie as well!!

[@kevinglazier8950]

Best Christmas movie ever made if you ask me.

[@veronicadowdy4429]

I agree! It is an awesome movie! Classic! Puts me in the spirit! Most overrated to me is Elf, it’s just not that funny.

[@quiltmania58]

I forgive the negative comment, too. I realize that different things speak to different people. We are all at different levels, have different feelings, different experiences. I too, think the message of a A Wonderful Life is inspiring. On the negative comment on "Mary Did You Know"---again I've forgiven it; people who are not taught rhetorical technique have no way of understanding what this song means, so they mock it. I just chalk it up to poor education, and forgive them their ignorance. There is a beautifully written message in that song.

[@beastshawnee]

I think people who have been around actual trauma tend to hate it. I watched it once. That was too many times. I remember thinking “what a big baby. This man doesn’t have any real problems except his life is dull af.”

[@sharonbland9061]

If someone comes across controlling, this is such a turnoff. In my younger days, when i dated, if a guy was like this, im sorry he would be gone.

[@drewdelaney4166]

That last caller was living in total dream world and Dr D dropped nuclear reality bomb on her life.

[@bloomingale7868]

Lady needs to Run from this guy…he needs to focus on himself after stepping out on his last marriage and heal instead of dumping his emotional void on this woman. It’s too much. It’s like she’ll have another child to take care of financially and emotionally instead of a self sufficient and whole partner. Plus he’s a cheater so she probably feels like all men can’t fully be trusted so she needs time to feel like she can totally trust him. He’s rushing things instead of showing his character overtime.

[@DRAGONFLYmanor]

Agreed! So obviously she not into him! Raise your kids, it goes by quickly! Plenty of time to meet a decent man! This guy scares me on so many levels! Cheaters cross boundaries! Nope

[@IrisCarlson-tf5yc]

Take the advice You could endupINDANGER

[@IrisCarlson-tf5yc]

Think ofurchildren.

[@ivegotbees]

Dude is head over heels for this woman. He talks so highly of her and owns full responsibility of this and past relationships. She may not be into it for her own reasons but she sounds like shes sabotaging the relationship because she doesnt trust herself. Hope they work out.

[@rosedevereux2391]

​@@ivegotbeesNo, he is/was very dishonest and even during the call never accepts that HE HID his debt. "She found out.." uh, sir, YOU did not tell her the full truth about your debt and act like she had her hands over her eyes. And something is very clingy and pushy about hum, to me.

[@maniarine7807]

I'm currently sitting in a bath tub feeling down and damaged. i just came back from a date with someone who made moves too quickly ( I've been gaslighted after sex before)... I'm feeling overwhelmed right now cause i couldn't defend my boundaries again.... So... I'm sitting here trying to breathe again and decided to listen to you... Seems like your channel is my comfort zone and I'm happy to know you. ❤

[@hollytalbott7291]

I feel for the last caller! She sounds like me when I was determined not to get divorced because of my religious beliefs, but if only one person is the marriage is making the marriage work, then it’s not a marriage anymore 😢

[@nicme]

Wait til daughter is 18 and be together. She needs to put her finances and time towards her child. Not a new family. Her taking a step back was the right decision for her child. He doesn't have to wait for her by any means but he should know that she became that child's mother and that child deserves to not have to compete for her mothers love, time, effort, etc.

[@L-M-O-1]

Her daughter can be loved & not consume 100% of her mother's life. She needs to realize that she is NOT the only nor first person that matters on her mother's life. The mom matters too. Her mom has needs that she can't meet & those needs need to be addressed so she can have a fulfilling life as well. That's why airlines have that oxygen mask rule. Secure your mask before securing others. Make sure you're good & your needs are being met, not JUST your child's.

[@ltwhite1313]

Fc

[@m.935]

​@@L-M-O-1 that child would probably be okay if it was another type of man. This guy is emotionally immature, cheater, and she senses it. She is alarming her mom.

[@123verona1]

Still weird that the daughter would support her cheating dad by moving in with him, but be so hardh on her moms small slice of happiness 😢 but yes, her daughter does come first

[@Myster-Man-Channel]

Listening to these makes me realize more people need to walk away from bad situations. Some of this isnt livable.

[@susanburrows810]

Shouldn't the adults focus on their kids, their primary responsibility? I applaud parents who do this. They made kids, now take care of them, & stay committed TO THEM. THEM! THEM! They look TO YOU. Please prioritize THEM.❤🙏

[@aya123444]

No. Parents should commit to themselves first. (Not by neglecting kids.) However, putting our desires first is the healthy way to model happiness.

[@marilynnelson3559]

You have no idea ! Boundaries are healthy. There is such a thing as enabling a child so they never grow up!

[@GranmaSam]

I'm almost 62 and adopted 3 of my Grands in 2012. My Daughter, their mother has many mental issues and is unable to care for them. My Mother was BP and committed suicide in 1975, I was almost 13. All of this has trickled down onto our family. I choose to not have a relationship because of kids but also because of my own disorders and my mental issues. Their Mother has been in an 11 year relationship with a young man and she's mentally abusive to him. The kids have no good male/female/parental relationship to look at and I'm worried about that. I'd rather not put them through emotional turmoil though and I know if I were in an intimate relationship, it would be tumultuous.

[@kellyelsen503]

@@GranmaSam aren’t you worried about your own mental health problems doing harm to the children? Is there any form of stable person in their life so that they see how wonderful a healthy life can be?

[@carolepoirier1924]

Dear John, You’re truly the best! I can relate to two people you gave advice to recently. I enjoy listening to your analysis. I’m learning a lot. I feel as if you are a close friend. Great show! Thank you for everything! 🌼

[@Hope4Life26]

Out of a range of diagnoses, one of them was BPD for me. Honestly, these emotions are disgustingly heavy that damn near every time I feel suicidal I really do feel like I am about to take my life. I hate every emotion except for being happy, grateful, and a little mellow so I can rest those days. I HATE depression. I HATE suicidal feelings, and I HATE when my insecurities rise to the surface. The main outlet that saved my life was poetry. Poetry helps me work through the trauma I witnessed and took in. I'm on the way to releasing everything and poetry is helping me to heal.

[@starlingswallow]

I have a friend who has BPD, and she is incredibly intelligent! I loved having conversations with her and pulling things apart regarding human behavior, especially. She ended up burning the bridge between she and I and two other friends, it was really really sad. I have been on my own healing journey, and I could not handle the behavior, especially because she refused to admit she was part of the issue we were having and refused, needing help from a professional. I needed to remain in safe and healthy relationships so I had to leave the friendship. I still think about her so often and I miss her! I am just not strong enough to be OK when she is not OK.😢

[@bethl]

Same here. My friend cut me off twice through the years because I told her she needed professional help.

[@Keersten]

I have BPD. Learning to take responsibility and be self aware was very very hard for me. My BPD stems from childhood trauma and the other trauma i have as I got older. I will say.. I have hope she’ll get there. There are days where I take 5 steps forward and 2 steps back. 😢. But I am trying. It’s a struggle.

[@hollytalbott7291]

My sister has BPD and I use to feel sorry for her because she didn’t have friends. The smallest preserved slight and she is done with those friends. She didn’t speak to me for 27 years at one point. I keep her at an arms length.

[@melissazabower339]

It's A Wonderful Life was not meant to be a Christmas movie. It was supposed to be a "soldiers returning from war" movie, and it was supposed to release the following spring. But the movie that the studio wanted to release at Christmas wasn't ready. It only became a Christmas movie in the 80s when the copyright ran out and EVERY station played it ad museum between Thanksgiving and christmas.

[@Shan0714SLS]

PENATONIX Baby! Little Drummer Boy and Mary Did You Know… both incredible renditions by this group. 😊

[@brightpage1020]

*LOOOOVE* their ‘Mary, Did You Know’!!!!!

[@treblemaker33]

I love it too. It’s somewhat of a rhetorical question I think, I still feel quite moved by the lyrics ❤

[@grateful7420]

Kelly, “Mary knew” ?!?! It’s insightful - the depth of this mystery- fully God, fully man- humans can not truly comprehend. Profound, thoughtful, deep questions in a brief 3 minute song: Mary did you know your baby boy… …Would one day walk on water? … would save our sons and daughters? … would give sight to a blind man? …Would Calm the storms with his hand ? …Would one day rule the nations? Is Lord of ALL creation? … when you kiss your little baby, you kiss the face of God? … this sleeping child you’re holding, is that great, I AM. Mary knew?!? Lol. I’d venture to say she didn’t comprehend all that. I can hardly comprehend it & I have the entire Bible as historical evidence.

[@brightpage1020]

@@grateful7420 didn't she and Joseph both get angelic visitations? One letting her know and one telling him it was ok to marry her even though she was pregnant because it was God's baby - when he was asking friends and familial advisors if he should call off their wedding?

[@darralansman9895]

21:54-22:45...This is a powerful piece of truth... "Look in the mirror with your fist in your chest and say, 'I love this guy.' None of the rest of the stuff gets better, none of the rest of the stuff heals until you're okay with you because if you're not okay with you, everybody feels you trying to get something from them but that always ends up in an unhealthy dynamic." Unfortunately, this is the truth. When your spouse craves the love and attention that is like oxygen to them, they suck the oxygen from you. They become manipulative in so many ways, just to get what they need, like an addict looking for the next fix. It's exhausting, physically and emotionally, to try to be everything someone else needs. We are all responsible for filling our own needs; from our faith and our inner self. Sure, others can nourish us but they can't sustain us indefinitely; and if that's expected, it's very selfish.

[@BellClan37]

Book Recommendation: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. More about romantic but really good on taking care of yourself and holding healthy boundaries

[@DigitalLogicCircuit]

My partner of 16 years has BPD. He’s been hospitalized a few times and went in patient in Utah. He really has to be in therapy or things get bad. I’m also in therapy. I feel like we’ve both learned a lot about ourselves. With all the therapy and medication and staying strong in sobriety- the BPD seems to almost be non existent. Like John said - he’s brilliant and wonderful ❤. Thank you for calling in.

[@brooke9847]

I get what he means about the teenager shouldn't have power over her mom's dating life but if my daughter was struggling with self harm and she relates it to my engagement then I would definitely call it off like she did.

[@elizabethbrown5289]

💯

[@chloeholmqvist4798]

It's obviously not about her mother finding a new partner as she is living with her farther who left her his wife (her mother) for someone new. Why can't mum find someone new after have been left by her ex husband for another woman?

[@kellyelsen503]

The daughter had problems BEFORE boyfriend showed up. She is manipulating her mother to get her own way. By her saying I will do self harm it almost like a temper tantrum “ I will just show you!!” I have children and have been divorced, so I understand the kids behavior when dating someone new. When my new husband would call before we married, my daughter would say “ what’s his face is calling “ After we married they were great friends, he didn’t attempt to parent them and left that to me their mom.

[@runnergrandma9171]

O Janelle! The BPD mom! I feel you! My daughter has it! I am in the valley and sure wish I could go to lunch with you!!! Dr John I totally needed this!!! Being a parent of BPD is so hard and such a roller coaster!!

[@nancydtrujillo2389]

Oh marie. 😢 i can relate to your story 100%. Youre not alone. I wish you well. I hope you find help. And a friend to talk to. Im here all alone and I wish i had a friend to talk to. Wish u the best ❤

[@mimiann2372]

Prayers to the last lady. Hoping she is safe

[@NeuroSeasoned]

Second caller's son is almost certainly undiagnosed autistic. (And this developed into BPD after a couple decades of living in a world that assumes & demands that everyone acts neurotypical). This story is so common in the late-diagnosed ND community. When she said, "he's been like this since he was born!" I thought, yup. His "trauma" is that he is a brilliant, high-making neurodivergent who was treated like he was developmentally on track. So when he made the little mistakes that all kids do, he was parented like "normal". But his little 4-year old autistic (or ADHD, or AuDHD) mind couldn't actually understand the rules and expectations and why he messed up or even how he messed up! So even with the gentlest parenting style, these kiddos internalize that they are unworthy of being known. Their sensory overwhelm and meltdowns are a personal failing. And it's their choice as a little 8 year old, 12 year old, or 26 year old that they feel things so internally and devastatingly. And his internal message his whole life is, "I'm the problem" ...

[@blueseptember2174]

Maybe but i always say 'they can learn". It might take longer, it might be harder but they can learn.

[@sherrygonzales3434]

Not if they are already internalizing their the problem, "learning" different isn't an option

[@TesriaT]

@@blueseptember2174 We can learn, but the thing is if you're in trouble over and over for failing more than others, and you're not learning at the same rate as everyone else, and you're told it's all because because you're not trying/lazy/selfish/there's something morally wrong with you, etc (usually not by *everyone* and not all the time, but often and by enough people or the most important people) you internalise the heck out of that. The stress and shame created then either makes it even harder to learn until you give up (which everyone takes as evidence of your laziness), or you become an overachiever but develop mental health issues and eventually completely burn out, because you're functioning by living in a near-constant state of internalised panic while also hating yourself and hurting yourself daily (eg by subjecting yourself to sensory overload that is literally painful). So yes, we can learn, but that doesn't negate anything in the comment you replied to and by itself will just perpetuate the same problems.

[@rubyb7252]

well bpd is under the Neurodiverse umbrella just like asd/audhd is. Your comment is the story of my husband's life as an audhd individual. Definitely have heard him voice what you've written in your comment before.

[@swan9491]

That's a ton to assume based on the info you have... But what you said is definitely possible. It's SO important for the caregivers of children with ASD to get them the services they need to thrive as early as possible (ABA specialists, speech pathology, paras and aids in school, specific learning programs, etc.). Something I see way too often, being in special education, is parents that basically refuse to accept the fact that their kid is on the spectrum. It's heartbreaking and does nothing but hold the kid back from their full potential. If parents of these kids understand this and accept their kid for who they are, they will have a much easier time parenting in the long run.

[@msdixieblues]

A red flag is when the first guy said that the girlfriends daughter having "classic" problems as mental health. Yikes

[@joanlovelace7338]

JOHN you are what makes want to watch the show. I love your humor,quirks everything,🫵 you are real ‼️👍👍👍 We all have quirks and you make me feel comfortable.

[@starrpatrick2905]

I’ve been telling this person inside of me and she’s 14/15/16 and I tell her, I’m going to be the adult now, you can rest. I love you.

[@mommakimmins5554]

Love languages do not need to be the same to be compatible. They need to be understood and utilized. I know my love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. My husband's is acts of service. I spent years screaming at him in my love language, wondering why I was going unheard. It was when I took the time to learn his love language and start using it that he began using mine in turn. It's very nice to not only get love in the way you understand it best, but see the love in their face when you love them in ghe way they understand it best.

[@eloisemarie5219]

Last caller - When the cycle of a relationship is good and then bad and then good, that could be the beginning of a cycle of abuse and the abuse only gets worse. You don't sound safe. Silently save up money, get your own bank account & credit card. Get your own storage unit or safe deposit box to put important papers and items in. Call a women's abuse shelter and ask them what to do if you have to leave. Get your own phone not on the family plan. Prepare.

[@mandy3486]

Ive struggled with depression by while adult life and when diagnosed my parents definently fell down the rabbit hole making it about them and their fault. It wasnt. It was about me and how my brain works

[@youcanthandletheheat]

John I called in to your show last week and left a message. I need help. I have two parents who I believe are narcissists they are draining the life out of me and my siblings. There are 3 of us kids but as the oldest I have take the brunt of the abuse my entire life. I have been financially supporting my father since I was 14 years old. The last few years I have cut him off and only buy him food as he has a severe heart condition and is in disability only. My mother, I don't know where to start. I need help learning how to deal with her. I have so much anger. For at least 4 years I begged her to go see a doctor and she would go nuts on me if i pushed. She can barely walk and she has a horrible constant cough. Last year she had a stroke which didnt havet to result in her being as disabled as she is now. That day is where alot of my most current anger comes from and i feel that your the person i need to tell this to. I just want to know what I can do to survive better. I feel like that's all I've ever done. Just survive.

[@bethl]

I’m sorry you are in this situation. Dr D doesn’t answer comments here. Send in your question again on his website. I hope you have a good counselor helping you figure out where your boundaries are. It sounds very complicated.

[@schrysanthemum]

You say you need help learning how to deal with your mother, I've found myself in a similar situation. I got help from Dr ramani, she teaches the DEEP technique and it is an amazing tool in navigating these relationships. She has youtube videos that explain step by step. Sad thing is no matter how much you beg for people to change it may not happen. We gotta focus our mental energy towards things within our control. Most days I'm in survival mode too. You're not alone

[@maybhicks9596]

Fr

[@sackettfamily4685]

If you believe in the states, there's stare medicaid that will take care of them. Seriously....if they are abusive and manipulative, leave. Strangers can take care of them and you can live your life with healing and peace. If you don't live in the states, I would figure out a bare minimum involvement and get someone else, possibly a more sheltered sibling(s) or a stranger to care for them. You don't have to torture yourself because they have made a pit of bad decisions. (I'm a stranger on the KZbins with hardly any information or experience. Get a therapist for creating boundaries and exploring your damages.)

[@sheribrougham4863]

Your parents are adults. They need to take care of themselves. You need to take care of you.

[@emilywire28]

Been doing DBT for a year and a half. I tell you it is the most compassionate and grounded therapy AND it is also therapy boot camp!!! I have a very mild bpd (no suicide threats or risky behaviors but loads of disregulation). I manipulated people with my emotions because of this intense emotional pain i would experience. I tell you i did not know i was doing it. The painful emotional sensation was so REAL. I was young and couldnt understand the difference between real vs true.

[@Jmc989]

I'm not making excuses for the last caller's husband. However, if someone is unsure of their worldview and it has shifted, it can make you so stressed, you turn angry. How you view the world is your foundation to life. And the transition can be hell.

[@leigh-anneobrien3299]

Hand on heart. "I love this guy". YES!!!! Thank you.

[@peterlee584]

The third call definitely refers to an abusive marriage. The wife is in complete denial and would rather put the blame on his religious conflict rather than call out his behaviour for what it is.

[@karen-if7zq]

True, no one can heal you, you have to do it. Don't expect her to fix you.

[@helianabanes4875]

I have BPD, and can confirm it is a lot of, "come here, I need you, I need you, love me, love me...and get the EFF away from me.". I am so much better, but it takes first self awareness, second actively seeking out how to obtain practical empathy, and third it is making a series of choices every day, for the rest of your life after stopping and processing the emotion(s), and putting yourself in the others shoes. Every day for the rest of your life. It is both soooo hard, and soooo worth it, and obviously practice makes it easier every time.

[@rozee1507]

To the last caller, i am here for you.I am going through something similar.

[@libertyna933]

I'm worried about the last caller Marie. I'm afraid this has already escalated and that's why he didn't want to continue in therapy. She has to have a long term plan , money, a place to go, and safety for the kids before she gives an ultimatum. This guy is capable of some extremes and you can hear it in her voice.

[@marijagrinevica8809]

An excellent 3x1+bonus episode. Very educative, just listening to all this. The speed how you switch from serious talk to jokes and back again is startling indeed! Greetings and best wishes from a teacher in the far-away Europe! Keep up the fantastic job you're doing!

[@storyofzero]

This is my favourite episode. The grounding and caring in your approach is inspiring and heartwarming 💕

[@sheribrougham4863]

BPD is so hard to deal with. I had a friend with it. Exactly as he described. Impulsivity, stupid decisions, the rage is scary as hell, its a roller coaster that you cant get off of. I ended up setting boundaries. She blew through every one. It was a blessing when i finally ended it. It was exhausting beyond belief. Im so glad i dont have it. Their lives are one drama after another. It must be exhausting, scary and just want the pain to stop.

[@jaimelynne3514]

This was so helpful (the part with the Mom and son with BPD). Thank you for your videos. Keep them coming!

[@hollytalbott7291]

My oldest sister has borderline personality disorder! Very challenging! She is 13 years older than me. The first time she got mad at me (because I figured out how to do something before she did) she didn’t speak to be the rest of the day. The next time I did something differently (than she thought I should have) she didn’t speak to me for a year. The next time (I was severely depressed because my husband had become an alcoholic she was going to come see me and then she backed out and wanted me to come see her, but, “Don’t bring your kids” (age 5 & 7), and I lost it when she thought leaving my kids with a alcoholic was a good idea. She didn’t speak to me for 27 years, changed her email address, made her phone number unlisted, and moved.

[@JuliaCloonan]

Marie’s story is so much like my own. I hope her and her kids are safe and well ❤

[@wonder12374]

Caller 1 - Sounds like this person doesn't realize that the woman is dodging a huge bullet. (Lying about debt🚩, cheating on his ex wife to feel a spark🚩, falling in love immediately with new woman🚩, being really needy🚩)...yeah she is trying to dodge him and I hope she does.

[@Nikitaxo24]

Hes a love addict. He needs to work on himself.

[@brandyk]

Yeah like many people he may be an ok person n of course has his positive traits but he has not learned much in therapy n sounds wicked immature. The things he said they have in common are just ordinary things n not enough to sustain a relationship. I don't think a 14 yr old should dictate a relationship but why can't they all just chill for a bit n focus in this teenager at a difficult time n her relationship with her biological parents.

[@johnnyringo0506]

My daughter warned me about a man I was friends with when she was 9 yoa. We weren't dating or engaged. I listened to her and ended the friendship. She was right; he ended up in jail for Medicare fraud.

[@Epiphany_nz]

I really couldn't be bothered trying hard to work on a relationship after I'd already been with a difficult person. To anybody who dreams of changing somebody difficult they love, get real. Run!

[@JamesBond-lt5tr]

There needs to be dbt for families so they can learn the skills and reinforce them with their loved ones. Individuals with borderline personality can be very difficult to work with, once you make the break through, it’s very rewarding for them.

[@beancheese3148]

22:40 leaving this here for myself in case I forget how powerful self love is.

[@annakoon5563]

Janelle, stay strong with the boundaries. We adopted a 12 year old who had RAD. We didn’t know that prior to adoption. She’s been hospitalized 10 times for suicide attempts/ or desire to end her life. One of those attempts was because I had friends over and she felt I wasn’t giving her attention. Another time was because my older daughter had surgery and she later admitted she was jealous of the attention she got post surgery so she attempted suicide. Another landed her in PICU where I had to witness her being revived twice. (You may have your own PTSD because it can be hell on the family). She had instigated arguments out of nowhere to the point of running away. It’s been SO hard!!!! I come from a family of origin with a personality disorder so I knew a little bit about boundaries, thankfully. Anyway, our trauma counselor was against us sending our daughter away to get help (she’s 19). However, we had been trying connected parenting for 6 1/2 years but continued to be held hostage emotionally in our own home. It just wasn’t working. I’m the trauma community it’s referred to as the “nurturing enemy”. It was hurting relationships with our other children. We made the choice to send her to residential treatment and I’m so glad we did! We are starting to see improvement. We went to see her in September. When we left, she attempted suicide. When she got out of the hospital, she asked us when we were coming back to see her. We told her that we couldn’t come back until we saw sustained change and unfortunately that would mean she wouldn’t see us again until 2024. This gave her incentive to work hard in therapy. The phone conversations with her have been much more pleasant. And honestly, we needed a break to have normalcy again that we haven’t had since early 2017. I can now look back and see what a war zone we were in. It was awful!! Boundaries will help everyone. Mom guilt is real! You’re so right. I’ve felt it. I also had to understand that my daughter had figured that out too and used it to her advantage. Give yourself a break and know that you’re absolutely doing the right thing. Virtual hugs to you.

[@bethl]

Bless you. How incredibly difficult.

[@annakoon5563]

@@bethl thank you for that validation!

[@keelhe893]

Thank you for loving an and adopting a child who has no one else. Thank you for adopting this child and seeing her as your child despite the difficulties in raising her. Praying healing and help for you and your family ❤️

[@annakoon5563]

@@keelhe893 Thank you! ❤️. We love her and are glad to see her healing. I’m praying she can continue to heal and grow so that she can have a joyful and abundant life!

[@Ciera_Banks]

How did you send her away if she’s 19?

[@momoffive1081]

Oh, Marie. Sweetie I've BEEN there!! And now I'm a single mom of FIVE!! My ex did the EXACT SAME THING!! He was a devout man of faith or I wouldn't have married him!! And now? Post-divorce he's paying for s3x and just a horrid shell of the man I married. I made it 18 years but prayerfully she can get away SAFELY!!

[@CaliCoast805_lovin_life]

❤sorry for pain but glad you are not being mistreated any longer! ❤💪

[@momoffive1081]

@@CaliCoast805_lovin_life thank you ❤

[@brightpage1020]

Whoa 😮 the silence - the woman whose husband swears and shows the kids violent movies… This is deep. This gal is just realizing it really is as bad as she fears it might be. But then she has to change. Because he won’t take responsibility. But she has to. For her kids’ sake. And she will. But this moment feels like dawn to her of a scary reality. That guy doesn’t get boundaries. Doesn’t see them as valid, valuable or important enough to respect as normal human decency. I’m sure he has his reasons… but that’s not her problem. She depends on him for at least something or some things… that’s why she struggles to leave him. And it’s not always bad like this. But now it is. She’d never let another person act this way towards her or in front of her kids so why does she grant him that luxury? Without consequence. Does she feel she can’t control or predict his flare ups because that’s how abusive relationship cycles work to keep the victims off track? So they have to hyperfocus on their abuser for security with, for, and from them. Right? Jee whiz. With a kid, too. That’s the rub. All of society knows what happens to single parent kids. And with the economy like this… Which risk? The clear and present danger and harm that might seem nameable even though it’s beyond the bounds, or the unknown future? Which would be more mitigate-able at this point? Tough choice. For sure. I hope she gets qualified, caring help today from ongoing counseling and makes a safety plan for either way no matter what. She certainly is not alone.

[@brightpage1020]

At least 25% of the country probably dealing with this, now, too. At least.

[@blueseptember2174]

I live this life currently. It sucks. But you do what you have to and hope one day you see you made the correct choice in an impossible situation. And you understand many wives and exwives before you and after you have lived through this same scrap storm so you will make it too. ❤

[@Theninjakid2012]

My daughter has BPD, and this helps me understand so much better what’s going on.

[@kdesha6130]

Thank you for this program. The first two calls have spoken differently to my heart.

[@jenandreb]

I LOVE It’s a Wonderful Life! It’s not a classic for being a bad movie

[@chilloften]

Nowadays, the thinking is that BPD is CPTSD. So folks are going to need their own work on how they may have passed this on to the children. I heard not one word out of that mothers mouth on what her contribution has been to this. If the child was sensitive he needed you to help him with it.

[@ariellemiles1464]

Love your show!

[@zacharyfair6738]

He down played the teenage daughter cutting/suicide attempts soooooo much. My girlfriend is with her "kids" and just doesn't have time for me. HELLO, because her daughter is trying to kill herself...........

[@tinam761]

He’s not fully getting it … maybe 🤔 it is part of a plan to manipulate the mother … also, her dad blew her life up and she wants stability with her mom and siblings “like it used to be” I think it’s maybe not the right time now. So much is going on.

[@jcszot]

Yes, Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Lol. 😂😂😂😂😂

[@FreeSpirit47]

That first call! WOW! There were so many important details left out that could have been contributing factors to the relationship problems. How many children did Matthew have? What are the ages of Matthews children? What is the custody arrangement between Matthew & his former wife? If Matthew is, indeed, a Marine (once a marine, always a Marine), how could he have student loan debt? The military usually takes care of that or at least part of it. Adultery is a crime under the UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice). When he cheated on his wife, was he AD or R? Matthew brought a bag of venom vipers to the relationship. It would benefit him plus others he brings into his life, for him to stop dating, start working on solving his inner turmoil. Learn to be happy alone instead of depending on someone else. When a person is happy, having learned to be happy, being single & celibate, they will be happy with or without a romantic relationship. Having debt & lying about it? OMG! That's another whole bag o venomous vipers. The guy has more problems than a math book. His girlfriend's teen age daughter or really any child of divorced parents, already loses being a focus for one parent when that parent re-marries someone else. When Matthew & his girlfriend became engaged OF COURSE the girl was angry! She was already on the back burner with her father. Then, she was put on a back burner again as her mother's attention became sub-divided with mom's boyfriend, proposing marriage. This 14-year-old NEEDS to be someone's priority. Matthew doesn't like it when his girlfriend gives her 14-year-old, her mostly undiluted time & attention. This can easily set the 14 yr. old up for drug use, an abusive romantic relationship, a teen pregnancy, mental health problems, just needing to be someone's priority. If Matthew is so needy, if the two do, actually get married, he will further occupy her as his wife, hurting the 14 yr old already aching for love, attention. If Matthews girlfriend is smart, she will break up with this needy, lying, cheating, financially strapped guy, put her focus on her daughter, which her daughter needs, keep building her career.

[@jolynn89]

👏🏼💯

[@CaliCoast805_lovin_life]

I was so thinking the same things and agree 100%. Thank you for doing all the typing for me!

[@DestinyA83]

I'm 97% positive my daughter has Petulant BPD. I just found it a couple months ago and had her listen to a 20 minute video explaining it and she about crapped!! Edit She's 20

[@sheribrougham4863]

Marie is in an abusive relationship. The husband will just escalate if she pushes back. She needs to get support from family, womens refuge, etc. The most dangerous time for a women is when they leave. Shes in danger. Shes isolated.

[@findingaway5512]

It's a wonderful life is my absolute favorite Christmas movie!!! But I don't even get to watch it every year I think everybody watched it last year with me or the year before which was honestly one of the first years we watched it as a family I feel like because it's the one Christmas movie that my husband isn't completely in love with he is a very big Christmas fan of all of the other movies that are Christmasy. So anytime I actually get to see It's a wonderful life that makes it even more special we used to watch it all the time when I was growing up at Christmas. I need to go watch it with my mom or something. She loves it too.

[@freespiritwithnature4384]

If we can all learn to choose our battles wisely, we'll be okay. I used to be a workaholic, working 86 hours a week, including making everything from scratch, including bread ,raising 3 children. One day, while canning my veggies from my garden, I popped a snap pea into my mouth and burned my tongue. 64 neighbour's sprayed their lawns with insecticides and pesticides and landed on my vegetable garden, and I got sick with autoimmune disorder. I stopped processed foods, and I chose to remove toxic people from my life. It was hard , but it actually made e healthier. IMO ,my favorite Christmas movie is " [A Christmas Story ]" with Ralphie. If you haven't seen it ,it's worth watching. I hope everyone has a very merry christmas and a safe one at that.❤ 🇨🇦 . We're going to buy the movie because you probably have to rent it, but we love it ,and it's crazy.

[@missclover7781]

The first caller sounds like attachment issues! Adam lane the attachment specialist would be a great person to have on your show to interview!

[@gvintage]

I think the female caller is beginning to realize it's a far worse situation that she thought. When loving him is hurting you.. is a great book. Emotionally destructive marriage by Leslie Vernick.. if she reads those or listens on Audible she will find more answers to her situation. Marriage counseling won't work. Go on your own. Been there done this. 29 years and divorced. You have to heal and be better regardless if he ever does. This is painful to hear.

[@RiverPaisley]

You’re helping a lot of people.

[@MiamiChica]

Don’t tell someone you’re leaving. It’s dangerous bc they can murder you.

[@Mynamesjeff-y8g]

It’s respectful and is the right thing to do. Your just scared from past experiences or something

[@livmaxfield1728]

The last caller broke my heart. I don’t live far from Provo and I wish I could find some way to help her.

[@VikingBetty]

PTSD shatters your self value 😢 Thankyou for your service 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸❤❤❤

[@selmamartin8737]

My mom says the best thing that ever happened to her brother was when his wife dropped the kids off with his mother and left. She was arrested for writing hot checks to the grocery store while he spent his paycheck drinking. She told them I am going to make a life for me and my kids without you. He decided that his wife and kids were more important than running around. They built a great family life after that. The marriage was strong until the day he died, many years later.

[@lorrainebaker1029]

I understand so well what she's going through.. My daughter has BPD and I'm afraid of her at times because when angry she takes it out of me.. I feel like walking away sometime but how. I'm a divorced women and live on a Greek island.. Luckily there is help but she doesn't except it.. Thank you. because your advice has reached me also. I am in counselling to keep me sane. Perhaps it would help this women also..

[@yeah6281]

The 3rd caller is relatable. I have a friend who's on the same situation, it's a sad situation. She keeps asking how to be invulnerable with his attitude, like what? The worst part is, he's alcoholic.

[@GranmaSam]

I have chosen to not have a relationship for almost 10 years because I am still trying to love myself.

[@Hope4Life26]

I've never been in a relationship for the same reason. I'm not waiting for BPD to disappear rather learning that I can trust myself to deal with it myself without draining anyone else.

[@yesseniaduran921]

I just faced this issue, I am not communicative, but I love strongly and I am there to take the food out of my mouth for my partner. It’s hard for me to send texts but the guy I was dating wanted me to reply at least every hour or two.

[@andrewwhite2164]

I think everyone here in the comments is missing some information. Matt said that he had told her he was in financial trouble but when he showed her, it was more than she thought. He even said they were working through it together. And he never stated that he lied or hid the previous affair. I actually give him props for admitting to it considering a lot of people wouldn’t own up to something like that. Doesn’t make it right or mean he’s clear of it. It’s still a lingering thought in your significant others brain, but it genuinely sounded to me like he was looking to grow and help himself. She needs to be there for her child, especially with the angst and resentment I’m sure she’s feeling towards her father for ruining the family and then marrying the paramour. But Doc is right, that child shouldn’t hold the power to choose who/if mom can date. I’m sure between his financial situation and the rubber band that has been the relationship, he’s being super hard on himself and feels like he’s failing and he’s been grasping at her to have something he can feel proud of. They need to communicate better and he needs to feel like he can love himself. “Only women, children and pets feel love unconditionally. Men are loved based on what they can provide”

[@keelhe893]

I agree. Matt didn’t sound like a terrible man. Honestly I thought Dr. John would’ve told him to leave her because she is emotionally unavailable and seems a bit selfish. I know her child needs help but why drag him along in oblivion maybe she needs to not date and focus on her child. Matt sounded self hating to me because he kept saying how wonderful she is and she is his everything because that is not normal but idolatry. Hoping Matt is learning to love himself and I hope his girlfriend and her daughter receive healing and help too

[@dannmurray1199]

If I were a mother and my husband became abusive I would have him removed from the house with a no contact order rather than uproot my children and become homeless. He can support himself and get his own place.

[@janellewallis4343]

It’s a wonderful life is soooo underrated! Yall are wrong. Every year my husband and I watch it Christmas Eve and we ball our eyes out. The day to day grind can be tough with 4 kids and it’s so easy to take it for granted. The little things that seem like the worst things in the moment would be missed if it wasn’t for friendship! If you don’t like that message then your heart cavity is empty!

[@BodyLanguageAnalysisInterrogat]

Awesome advice and deep episode

[@elainaweeks7937]

Mom, it isn't about what you feel. What's more important is him LEARNING, the consequences of his adult behavior.

[@apiary1]

Mom is in his way. He will do better if she gives him the opportunity figure it out. It must be his decision.

[@maritahartmann591]

Last caller... This woman feels powerless. Cussing is one thing. Cussing at someone is another. Unacceptable. She needs to find her power.

[@karen-if7zq]

This really helped me understand some things that I never fully understood before. Thank you so much. 😊

[@TraddyDad1997]

The solution you presented for the kid with personality disorder is probably VERY close to what God is doing as our Father in Heaven.⛪😇

[@Nikitaxo24]

That's sooo true. Reminds me of this verse..For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. Like a person filled with sin angry at himself for keeping doing what he hates. God giving him many chances to get rejected again and again. God loves us more then we deserve. Loved your comment.

[@catlover2223]

As a fellow “It’s a Wonderful Life” hater, you rock girl!

[@SaystheTruth3]

Its plain & simple. It's sad but... She's just not into him.

[@valeriezaric]

He's very into her, and may have freaked her out with it all!

[@SaystheTruth3]

@@valeriezaric Yeah I agree...

[@GrabThatPopcornAndChill]

He sounds exhausting to me. Using big words, but can't get his finances in order. Nah, no thanks.

[@timm1139]

Someone needs to call the show & when John asks, “What’s up?” They reply with,” I stayed in school and I didn’t do drugs!”

[@maralinautube]

The first caller, he's Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style & she's Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style. I was Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style & my most recent ex is Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style.

[@LizzieEstelle]

Thats why its important to just stay home with ur children during those formative years🤷‍♀️ is it fair for women no... but its the healtiest option for ur kids

[@jcszot]

In regard to the Marine . The late, great Louise Hay used to talk about mirror work, and how therapeutic it was. Thank you for your service. Merry Christmas and happy New Year.

[@SarahGee808]

🤣🤣🤣 Kelly is such a great sport!! Dr. John… you’re awful!! Lol! That Marlboro Red comment was hilarious. You guys crack me up!

[@jennifertiitinen9006]

My son wants to blame me and not acknowledge the world I dedicated to him and our amazing experiences

[@malteserjones1502]

What I don’t understand is why didn’t the mom with bpd son get him help when he was smaller? I feel like she swept it under the rug to not deal with it and now he’s an adult and she can’t control his behavior. She said he’s been like this since he was born for crying out loud!!!!! Sorry but she did NOTHING for him and now she’s riddled with guilt and wants to wash her hands clean.