How to Repair and Connect After Yelling at Your Child

[@MacKenzieleigh]

Thank you for this I yelled this morning after much progress these past months and am still crying hours later The space to regulate is hard I was never taught to regulate so learning and teaching at the same time has been the hardest

[@colleenadrian1590]

You're welcome. I get it and I hear you on this--it's *so* hard to learn and teach at the same time. I hope you've been able to (or will be able to) give yourself some compassion and grace. Our children benefit immensely from every (big or small) step we take to regulate and do things differently, and they especially benefit from learning how to repair by experiencing it with us. ❤

[@halo9lady]

Is there a “quick” technique, or thing to say, when I’ve become panicked and stressed and then yell? Most often I tell when my child is stalling and dragging her feet to get ready for school, or when I’m getting her ready to go back to her dad’s (she never wants to go over there). I yell because my anxiety over being late kicks in, especially when she is supposed to go to her dad’s, as he and I have had many arguments about it (he is the most stressful and insane person to deal with). She bursts into tears and then we have to clean up her snotty face, the poor thing… I’ve already been trying to change things so that we can avoid the situation altogether, but that hasn’t worked very well. Also, I have already been in the practice of apologizing and owning up to what I’ve done, and letting her know that I didn’t mean to scare her and that I should not have yelled or lost my temper. This is most often happens in the 5 minutes before we need to be leaving for school, or before her dad’s girlfriend is picking her up. I was in tears today because , although I smoothed things over and she seemed fine when it was time to go out to the girlfriend’s car, it didn’t feel like I’d done enough, and like she would be carrying this moment with her through the day. I hope that makes sense… I just need the best wording or method so that I can accomplish what your video is about in a very short time.

[@shannon1542]

I'm right there with you ❤

[@WhisperingEcho33]

​@shannon154Im going through the same thing. My son is 3 and I come from an abusive home. I wonder if I've scarred him. I've even had s*icidal ideation over this because I think I've turned into my mom and cry myself to sleep over it.

[@OceanLover1188]

I know you commented years ago, but I am struggling with the same. I was taught to just stuff my "bad" emotions down because I was punished for them, like most kids that grew up when I did. Which is not an excuse, but I had no idea.

[@rainynightz7573]

I am under severe stress. This video was helpful ..

[@colleenadrian1590]

@rainynightz7573 I'm sorry to hear you're under so much stress, and I'm glad it was helpful.

[@jennifergrimes5401]

I needed to hear this so badly today

[@colleenadrian1590]

I'm so glad it was helpful @jennifergrimes5401! Repair is so valuable. There is no perfect ❤❤

[@kammynyx5025]

Thank you for this ❤❤ I’ve been feeling so guilty for yelling, I’ve done it a few times in the past few days. I’m really trying to learn to regulate my emotions.

[@colleenadrian1590]

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you found this video on repairing--there is NO perfect--and repairing helps your kids learn to make amends when they lose their cool. I hope you've been able to offer yourself some grace and forgiveness ❤

[@c.k.1958]

Thank you 🌼

[@colleenadrian1590]

You're welcome :)

[@meagdur1]

How do you know if you've left trauma? What if your child says they don't forgive you or still seem upset about something that happened long ago and was apologized for/attempted to repair.

[@colleenadrian1590]

Thanks for watching, and your situation sounds hard. Are you asking how to know if your parenting has caused trauma to your child? If so, *all* parents sometimes cause emotional wounding to their children--even when they're doing their very best, and they love their children immensely. There is no perfect, and we've all had emotional wounding in life---it's impossible to parent without passing some of that on. And. It's possible to do healing work and repair, and it's a journey--and rarely happens quickly. I imagine that having a child say they won't forgive you would be especially painful. One approach to that would be to acknowledge that they're still angry, and empathize. But most importantly, doing your own healing work around the situation, so that you can let go of expectations for them to change and give yourself grace and forgiveness even if they won't, can help ease your pain. It can also potentially open doors for healing the relationship. I wish you well.

[@deelin100]

You mentioned doing our own repair work in this video and suggested some somatic work. Could you please link some resources to this type of therapy? Truly appreciate this video

[@colleenadrian1590]

@deelin100 Thanks for your feedback and question. I'm glad this was helpful. Here's a couple of links, and I've also posted these above in the notes. I wish you well ❤ colleenadrian.com/parent-coaching/#relational-somatic-therapy

[@colleenadrian1590]

Short article: colleenadrian.com/somatic-therapy-for-parents/#more-5968

[@shannon1542]

Great video thanks so much very refreshing

[@colleenadrian1590]

You're welcome! I'm glad it resonates ❤

[@katiea8014]

Thank you so much for mythis video.

[@colleenadrian1590]

You're so welcome ❤

[@deelin100]

thank you so much for this video on repair. So in the example you gave about a young child(5 yr old)drawing on the wall despite being told not to do so and by now knowing not to draw on the wall; and we as the parents lost our temper and yelled. In this case I would own my behavior by saying it's not their fault I lost my cool but it is their responsibility to keep our house clean? I am trying to tease out the details of how a repair would actually sound/play out. Thank you so much for your response.

[@colleenadrian1590]

@deelin100 Thanks for this question--the details are important! I would separate the "repair" (for your yelling/behavior) from the "teaching". We know from the current neuroscience that kids (and all humans) need to feel safe and connected before they can learn. So you could apologize for losing your temper/yelling, etc. That's letting them know you're responsible for your own behavior and not blaming them--and then connect, and reassure them of your love. Later--it could be the same day or a day or two later--you can have a conversation about--"in our family, we care for our belongings, this is how we do it, I can give you some paper to draw on instead" etc. Whatever fits for your family values and the situation.

[@jeneeday3110]

How do we get started with somatic healing?

[@colleenadrian1590]

@jeneeday3110 You can do somatic healing work with a practitioner who's trained in somatic experiencing or relational somatic therapy. I do that work with parents, and you can also find practitioners by looking online or in your local area for practitioners who do that type of work. If you have any other questions, just let me know. 🌷❤

[@praseethayoganantham8068]

Hi ma'am, i have a query. My 7yr old daughter is actually a very understanding child in all the ways. But at times due to my personal stress i used hard words at her. Though i say sorry every single time to her, she says to me most of the time that mom u scholding me lot at home. I try to make her understand its u who testing my patience all the time.. thats y mom got anger and bursted out. But she says ok and repeats the same behaviour like crying for everything even for no reason. I really feel guilty is that whether i m the reason for her to behave and say like that. I feel so hard maam

[@colleenadrian1590]

@praseethayoganantham8068 Hi, thank you so much for your query. I totally understand,, and I hear this question from many parents. I think you will find it helpful to separate the issue of "her behavior" from "your behavior". I totally understand how and why you lose your patience with her sometimes. Parenting is hard, especially at times when you have other stresses. I have a suggestion for you to try. When you apologize to her, let her know that it's not her fault. Your behavior is not her responsibility, no matter what she did or said. You are an adult--and you are responsible for your own behavior, regardless of what she does or says. You could also say to her, "It's my job to learn how to calm myself down--I'm sorry I yelled. I'm working on learning to stay calmer but sometimes I make mistakes." If there is an issue with her behavior, you can deal with that separately, later, when you're both calm. And then it's best to NOT tell her she has to change her behavior so you won't get mad--you want to help her learn behavior that will serve her well in her life and her relationships. And it can be helpful to remember--she will make mistakes or lose control sometimes--we all do. That's normal (just as it's normal for us to make mistakes or lose control sometimes). I hope you can be patient and gentle with yourself. I hope that makes sense, and I wish you well. Also, have you watched this video? You might find it helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/iZOliX6an62jhpI

[@hannahazman]

Thank you for this advice. i really needed to find a way to reconnected with my childen after i loose composure. I do have a question regarding how to help a 3 year old child to be calm with another parent. Because, i have trouble with my2nd child whenever i need to go elsewhere or perhaps toilet and so on, she would cream and shouted wanting me right away, even though i have told her ill be right back. on top of that he father was around trying to help her sooth down, however she always rejected him and throw tantrum, this got me worried. because my husband has try his best to get connected with her. yet the screaming can go on1 hour or so. what should we do to co-operate to help her to regulate her emotion. because it trouble me whenever i need some 20 minute me-time to regulate my own emotion.

[@colleenadrian1590]

@hannahazman Thanks for watching and for sharing your experience and a question. That sounds really hard, and I totally understand your need to step away sometimes to regulate your own emotions. Here are a few questions to consider as you look for a way to help your 3yo calm down with her father. Does your 3yo have a pretty strong bond with her father? Does he spend a bit of time playing with her, even when you're there? Could you try separating from her for a 2-3 minutes at a time, at a time when you're not needing "me-time", so that she can build up her ability to separate from you in shorter periods at first? That way she gets to experience you returning to her, before she gets to the point where she's intensely distressed. Lastly,, but very importantly, is father able to simply say empathetic things to her while she's upset--and rather than trying to *stop* her from being upset, can he trust that she'll stop when the emotion has run its course--and know that his job is more about being present with empathy (e.g., "aawww, it's so hard for you, isn't it, when Mom is away for a few minutes")? Sometimes we think that to soothe our child, we need to be able to stop their crying--but what they need even MORE than that, is for us to be present with them and ACCEPT their emotional expression, and trust that it will run its course and end when it's ready. I hope that makes sense. I also have a course you may be interested in--it's about helping kids to calm and regulate. I'll post the link below in case it's of interest.But either way, I wish you well! colleenadrian.com/calm-self-regulate-package/

[@DF-dx4sj]

What about a child that doesn't seem scared and tends to withdraw? "I don't want to talk right now." (but the "now" never comes)

[@colleenadrian1590]

That's always hard. And it's hard for me to say for sure without more information, but often that can be a sign of shame. Do you think that might be a possibility with your child? I'll post a link to an article I wrote a few months back (just in case this might be a fit for your situation), regarding kids who don't want to talk to parents after they've made a mistake--and some suggestions for what to do if you think they're having some shame. And a reminder that shame is a super painful feeling, for both parents and kids--it makes you want to *hide*--so if you think your child is experiencing shame, go gently with yourself and your child ❤ colleenadrian.com/raise-a-confident-child-prevent-shame-when-they-make-mistakes/

[@JeffSayYes]

Are you Canadian? I'm trying to place your accent

[@kevinfogarty5081]

Is it okay to cry in front of your 3-year old toddler?

[@colleenadrian1590]

Thanks for your question @kevinfogarty5081 I think there's probably some contextual factors to consider. First, if tears are coming up for you, it may not be possible sometimes (in that moment) to change it? If that's the case, one important thing would be to make sure they know it's not their fault, nor is it their job to fix it. (E.g., using whatever words feel right for you, something like "I'm feeling sad right now, but I don't want you to worry about it. Sometimes grownups feel sad--it's not your fault, and you don't need to fix it. I can help myself feel better.") If it feels like some unprocessed emotions from your past are showing up, you could consider doing some work with a therapist on those. But I want to remind you--this isn't an either/or situation, in which you expect yourself to to *never* have unprocessed emotions from your past show up with your child. The parent-child relationship always triggers stuff from our past, and as long as we have some awareness of it, and do our best to own our own stuff, gain insight, and make changes when we can (with therapy if needed, and if possible)--it's just part of the journey.