How to Spot an Abusive Relationship (from inside and out)

[@talistheintrovert]

Even if they're not doing it "on purpose" or maliciously, it's still abuse! A lot of people will forgive their abusers because they're "not trying to hurt me" but their intentions don't matter when their actions are causing pain. If you call out the behaviour and they don't change or double down, it's abusive. Healthy relationships rely on communications and growth together, and if you're the only one trying, that's not a relationships worth saving. You deserve better 👏 AUSTRALIA: 1800RESPECT Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week www.1800respect.org.au/help-a... UK: 0808 2000 247 Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ USA: 800-799-7233 Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week www.thehotline.org/plan-for-s... ITALY: 1522 Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

[@theodoraarampatzi6131]

Helloo I might wanna show this to some people. Of course the people needing to see this will probably be sceptical and ask me for sources. Might you add references for your research? I know you have some, but I'm expecting to have long arguments about this so the more the merrier Thank you

[@StarShade-l7q]

I was coming down here to say something to the effect of "like 80-90% feels like my relationship, but I don't think it's on purpose. I think she has all this trauma and I want to help her heal too." Also "well she would say I do all this too...maybe I'm abusive?"

[@cloverplayssnakegame]

To put it briefly, cults work a similar way on an organizational scale. You should be allowed to criticize your organization and say no or leave for any reason. You should be able to feel safe talking to former members of your organization. You should be able to have a life and social group outside your group. Be careful and be safe

[@talistheintrovert]

👏👏👏👏👏

[@ww3196]

YES EXACTLY

[@ixfalia]

If you're a man and you find yourself upset when folks factually point out that men are significantly more likely the preparator, please take a moment to stop and think with empathy. Yes men suffer abuse too, but the men who have been abused and know such torture do not want others to experience that, they want others to know the signs and be informed. And the truth is unfortunately men do it much more often because of cultural and power factors. Male victims wouldn't want others, of any gender or relationship configuration to suffer the way they have. It does hurt though, when others laugh at you and tell you "what could they possibly do to hurt you? You're a dude." And never have you ever felt more emotionally unsafe. It does hurt when the aggressor tells others you're the manipulative one and you lose social links because your gender is often the perpetrator. But that is not the fault of women and femmes. And they have plenty of ways their gender impedes their safety and well-being in this conversation. In no way does that mean victims of abuse would rather others suffer because they need to be heard over others. If you have issues with the inequality of gender in this realm, then let's together encourage solutions to the conditions that lead men to disproportionately do such things. And on the flip side support the men too afraid to come out and seek help. Be constructive. Be an advocate. Why take, when you can build?

[@talistheintrovert]

👏👏👏👏

[@ixfalia]

I just want to say thank you for sharing this Talis. I'm going to share this video with my friends and social circle. I know it can't have been easy to explore this and be so vulnerable with us. I appreciate your clarity, your research, time, and incredible communication skills. Thank you. I am familiar with this subject in ways that I wish I wasn't. You've definitely still taught me some extra signs and things I didn't even know or realize would be great signs. The flag you mentioned where they are refreshed or have energy after an altercation, enough to put on the show again the next morning, was utterly eye opening. Once again, thank you and I hope you get some deserved rest for your hard work.

[@teddywtheknife57]

As someone who has had paranoid thoughts about getting into an abusive relationship down the line (even though I've never dated anyone ever), thanks for this video. Glad to have a comprehensible and accessible guide.

[@talistheintrovert]

I hope you never have to need it! 💜

[@teddywtheknife57]

Thank you for the well wishes, I probably won't all things considered, but low chances never mean zero. Though I'm sorry you had to learn this. ❤️

[@fannikarpati5563]

Your description of abuse really clears up to me that my mother is abusive and my dad just has c-ptsd (his childhood was a hellhole), a cronic illness and sometimes bad mental health. Not that I questioned it in the first place anymore its just really valideting thanks.

[@talistheintrovert]

🫂🫂🫂

[@AnnaCatherineB]

Elder abuse is so common and feels so impossible to change or help with.

[@talistheintrovert]

🫂🫂🫂

[@dolleene]

Especially when ur a child

[@alyssafitzgerald83]

Hearing about your father love bombing you has given me a name to put to what happened with me and mine. Thank you, I wish we never had to go through that, but thank you

[@talistheintrovert]

I'm so sorry you also had to deal with that 🫂🫂🫂

[@TheAzul_Indigo]

Hey Talis! As a survivor, thanks for this video. I’ll never feel bad again about being the villain in an abusers story.

[@talistheintrovert]

🫂🫂🫂🫂

[@JC-mo7by]

Just left an abusive friendship recently and appreciate your video a lot. I hope she gets help

[@talistheintrovert]

I hope you find peace away from that 💜🫂

[@martymcflown3707]

You discussing your therapy session reminded me of the first good therapist I had as an adult. When I unpacked the abuse I'd experienced as a kid, it started out with me being pretty cavalier about it. Because I'd grown accustomed to minimizing it around others. But then she asked me how I felt about people who watched abuse happen in public settings without stepping in (i.e. a parent hitting a child in public), and I broke down in just angry tears. I was like barely coherent, just saying "I would never, ever let that happen to a child. I could never let that happen." And she said something like "You deserved someone who would have felt the same for you. You deserved an adult who would protect you, not harm you. I'm so sorry you didn't have that." Anyway, for anyone who needs to hear it, you deserve to be protected. You deserve to be loved. Treat yourself like you are an outsider looking in if it's what helps you to admit that you're worthy of that love. I know it's hard sometimes to admit that to yourself, but it's worth it.

[@talistheintrovert]

🫂🫂🫂

[@namesake7885]

Commenting from an alt to say thank you for this. After 4+ years, I'm just now admitting to myself that the friendship/situationship I've been living with has become abusive. Growing up surrounded by abuse and neglect, I always thought I knew all the red flags, what to look out for, and that I'd never find myself in a situation like the one I'm in now. When I finally let my guard down, allowed myself to heal, and trust this person more than anyone else I've ever trusted or showed up for in my life, they realized the power they could have over me. It started out so perfect the first few years. Then it began to feel like I was holding on to a dying dream in hopes of a fake future where things will be better and work out if I just make an effort or do more or fix whatever is wrong with me to make him act like that towards me. It happened so fast, and the episodes happen so fast, I'm still reeling in confusion from it all. This was a person I trusted the most. A person I told anything and everything too because they seemed so perfect I never thought there was a way that they could possibly hurt me, harm me, or do anything bad to me on purpose. Then the passive aggressive jokes and savior complex quickly turned to put-downs, degrading, shaming, and telling me I'm either stupid or gaslighting and am actually the abusive one. The once kind and open-hearted person I could cry into the arms of and tell anything to was now verbally abusing me, telling me it was my fault I wasn't enough or meeting his needs or was responsible for triggering his trauma, and the verbal abuse quickly turned physical through the guise of 'just rough-housing' and 'you're so sensitive' even when the things he would throw at me or the way he would hit me would hurt. I'd just laugh as he would choke me and bring me to the ground. Pretty soon, he was joking about casually murdering me or "what he would do if I ever betrayed him". But what counts as a betrayal to someone with such a broken moral compass and respect for others? Last time we were out in the middle of nowhere together, I upset him so much just by disagreeing with his judgements of me that I was actually scared for my safety in the woods. I know I need to leave. I knew a while ago I should've. And now it feels like I'm in too deep, and even if I wanted to it's hopeless. Maybe it's the sunk cost fallacy excuse I'm using as a way to justify staying despite knowing there's nothing left to be saved except for myself. But I hope that this is a warning to anyone who might need it, who might be in the beginning thinking that it's just a little red flag, or it's no big deal, or he didn't mean it, or he was just joking. He wasn't. He was testing the waters to see what he can get away with. And eventually he will push the bar so low that you don't recognize him anymore, you don't even recognize yourself anymore for the person he has degraded you into. And by then it will be even harder to rebuild the self-confidence, assuredness, and your own truth to realize that it's time to run. Please do yourself a favor and if you're here even asking yourself the question, don't risk it. And don't think you deserve it, or that it'll make you stronger, or a better or the bigger person for staying and trying to make it work. You already are the bigger and better person. And good love could've taught you that too. You deserve better.

[@talistheintrovert]

I'm so so so sorry you've had to deal with this. You deserve so much better and you deserve people who love you for YOU and are there for you in the right ways. I hope you manage to get out of your terrible situation. I hope to one day read an update in the comments that you're away and you're SAFE 🫂🫂🫂

[@dragonflies6793]

Everything you said in that last paragraph, I turn it back at you. You deserve better. You deserve so much better. Best of luck. Sending love and hope

[@clegs8356]

hey, im so sorry this is happening to you, and you're right - you DO deserve better. i know i don't know you, and im fortunate to have not gone through abuse, but i do know about the feeling of having spent SO much time with a person, sharing SO much LIFE with them, doing endless emotional labour for them that felt justified bc that was supposed to be an investment into your future TOGETHER, and how that shared future can feel like the most important thing in the world... but you WILL be okay without it. even if it doesn't feel like it, or you don't believe it yet. i really didn't think id ever get over the loss of what felt like my "whole life" (our whole adulthood from 19-25 together, + extensive future plans) but i AM ok, and getting better all the time, to the surprise of my past self im sure. im sure as hell not perfect now at 26, far from it, but i know im better off for it. for me personally, it helped to make a point of "mourning" this part of my life - to say thank you to all the nice moments, to all the growing up we did together, and to ultimately say goodbye to both this past, and our potential future. the letting go is tough, and it's ok to feel grief, but like any loss, it becomes easier to bear with time. and i say this as a person with very intense attachment, who could hardly imagine living without them, that it's gonna be okay. please, please remember, and truly understand: you are a WHOLE person without them, you are WORTHY of love & leaving this situation, and there is SO much out there for you to experience beyond this that's gonna make your life feel whole and vibrant and full of love, *even without this person*. sorry to yap so much, and ik it sounds cheesy, but you really are often stronger than you may think. even when you feel your weakest. and im so looking forward to your future for you, because you can do this. 💛

[@Karishma_Unspecified]

I'm really glad you're talking about absuive family and friends as well as abusive romantic partners. Our society acts like romantic partners are the only intense relationship you're allowed to have, but friendships and familial relations can be, and often are, very intense. And as is true with all intense relationships, have the potential of becoming abusive. Glad you're discussing it too!

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜

[@Lukee-22234]

Thank you for making this video. I’m disabled and still reliant on my abusive parents and it’s getting so hard to keep going. All I do is watch KZbin because it makes me feel less alone. So thanks for helping me feel less alone and reminding me I’m not the only one in a messed up situation beyond their control. Much love to you and anyone else who sees this

[@talistheintrovert]

I'm so so sorry you have to deal with that, I hope you're able to get out, but even if you can't yet, know that you are not alone and they do not own you 🫂🫂🫂

[@dragonflies6793]

We're also disabled and reliant on our abusive parents. It's terrifying all the time. You're not alone. And even if we can't get out right now, that doesn't mean there isn't hope. We're still here. We're still living. That matters. You matter. Sending love and hope

[@the_d12rose]

Saving this video to my "show this to my kids when they're older" playlist

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜

[@HumbleWooper]

Mother Gothel in the Disney movie Tangled is a textbook example of gaslighting, and IMO that makes her one of the most evil villains Disney has ever created. Controlling her "daughter" with love bombing, controlling the supply of necessities, literally needing Rapunzel to stay with her or she'll die, literally walling her off from any other person who might poke a hole in her story or give her a chance at escape, constantly reminding her the outside world is a horrible place and she needs protection... it just goes on and on. I hope that example helps some kids who have parents who use similar language realize what's going on.

[@talistheintrovert]

I went to see that movie with my dad and the whole time I was so scared that he was going to realise that she was him, and instead when we left he talked about how evil she was. Some of the most intense cognitive dissonance I've ever felt fr

[@FairFeline]

Thank you for making this. Every woman in my family would have needed this video, and I am constantly in fear that I might fall into an abusive relationship. Now I can increase my awareness of the signs.

[@talistheintrovert]

I'm sorry the women in your family have been through that (unfortunately it happens to the women in my family tree too) 🫂💜

[@hpoz222]

I truly believe this video is going to save lives. thank you so much for making this, it's so important and I don't think I've seen a better or more comprehensive video on this topic. special shout out for calling the manosphere out for the massive red flag it is - it's literally a bunch of men stating outright that their ideal relationship is one where they have complete control over their partner, and it's not hard (if you're not being willfully dense) to make the leap to what they would want to do with that control

[@talistheintrovert]

Thank you 💜💜

[@lilalawrence1453]

I’ve been a little worried about someone in my life recently. I just saw this come up and I’m going to take some time a little later to really sit down and absorb it. Sincerely, thank you.

[@talistheintrovert]

that's exactly the kind of thing I made this video for, I truly hope it's helpful!! And I hope your friend is okay 💜💜

[@AllHailTheJane]

I am just now, having watched this, realizing that a person I've recently cut out of my life was abusive. I've thought about it multiple times, but I've always thought 'abuse' was too harsh of a label for what I went through, it couldn't possibly apply. This was eye opening and is overall such a valuable resource. I am only one person and this video made me feel incredibly validated. Thank you.

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜🫂🫂

[@GelatinSkeleton]

ooooof the point about arguments!!! i had such an abusive friendship where the person really took me under their wing and made me feel special at first, then just constantly kept ripping me apart and criticizing me and constantly getting into arguments with me (despite me constantly saying how much i didn’t like arguing and how i knew i wasn’t good at it). they even admitted to sometimes just getting into arguments just to win and saying whatever they needed to say to make me feel bad just so they could win the argument, not because they actually believed anything they were saying. they thrived off of creating conflict with me while i was constantly feeling exhausted and weak from having to defend myself all the time. like, i’ve been in lots of abusive relationships, started when i was a baby being emotionally + sexually abused by both parents, and it just kept continuing throughout my teen and adult life. but that one point about arguments resonated with me so much bc it’s not one i’ve ever heard before, but it is So True. i’m in a very healthy and happy relationship now and while we’re not perfect, both of us are always willing to put our ego aside fro the other person. we’ve also both been in abusive relationships so we know how it feels. but we both make each other better and help support and encourage each other no matter what, and when we do need to offer critique of each other, it comes from a place of compassion and love for that person (and/or to make our own needs known if they weren’t spoken about before). the difference is staggering and i’m so grateful.

[@talistheintrovert]

I'm so sorry you've been through all of that, but I'm so happy youve come out the other side, you deserve nothing but peace and happiness 💜💜💜

[@GooseIsLord]

I knew my relationship wasn't healthy after reflecting on it after he broke up with me, but I am actually surprised how many of these points you listed overlapped with what he did. Now I don't think he was doing those things on purpose because he was actually too chickenshit to go 100% in on them, and I was too hardheaded to not call him out on what he did, but I do know that it is a good thing that relationship ended. Thank you for making this video and helping me and others see important warning signs that may be missed.

[@yelena86]

🙏❤️💕 wish you all the best. Stay safe and well ❤

[@talistheintrovert]

Even if they're not doing it "on purpose" or maliciously, it's still abuse! If you call out the behaviour and they don't change or double down, it's abusive. Healthy relationships rely on communications and growth *together*. You deserved better 👏

[@dr.bandito60]

I had a relationship in my early 20s very similar to this. Thanks for sharing.

[@s0ulcode]

Hey I really like this video but it might get worth it to look into physical/etc abuse carried out by psychiatric facilities/providers/etc! I know you’re probably mentioning distrust of professionals because of the anti med crowd, but theres a fair amount of violence that comes from these places because people assume they’re always safe. Psych wards specifically have a high rate of nurse neglect + patient violence.

[@elsik2332]

I really wish I'll never need this video, but I'm so very glad you've made it

[@talistheintrovert]

I hope you won't need it too, but I'm glad it might be able to warn you ahead of time and help you in the future 💜💜

[@BooksRebound]

Thanks for this. I just went to the police the other day about someone I'm worried about. Great timing.

[@talistheintrovert]

I hope that person gets to safety!! 💜

[@BooksRebound]

@@talistheintrovert Thank you. I wrote that kinda unclearly, sry. I'm worried for myself in regard to a guy I was seeing. I don't really know what he's capable of, and while I don't think he'd hurt me, he's certainly vindictive and might try to ruin my life. So I went to the police so it's on record and I can press charges or escalate to a restraining order if need be in the future. Turns out the likelihood of being 40, single and friendless because HE is the problem is higher than the likelihood that every single one of his exes and ex friends were all narcissistic abusers who abandoned him cruelly for no reason whatsoever. I really appreciate you making this video. I've never been in a situation like this before and it made me feel a lot less alone.

[@fairylesbyaintdve6536]

@@BooksReboundI absolutely hope YOU are safe and happy continue to be so indefinitely.

[@amirajiahe460]

This is extremely detailed and helpful. I think I am able to shake off a huge amount of shame after watching this.

[@talistheintrovert]

I'm so glad to hear that! 🫂

[@echoandnoise6121]

Thank you so much for this video. I left an abusive relationship 4.5 years ago and I still struggle with the trauma from it. This was hard to watch but also so helpful and validating.

[@talistheintrovert]

I'm sorry you went through that but I'm so happy that you're out the other end. You deserve the world 🫂🫂🫂

[@almostahamburger7507]

My former best friend was very emotionally distant and treated all of our conversations like professional debates, calling it a guilt trip any time I expressed any negative emotion towards her or any of her actions. Even months after we stopped being friends I still thought she was right, because she was always right, but this video has helped me to realize that asking your best friend to care about how feel isn't guilt tripping and isn't something I or anyone else should ever have to do, and for that I cannot thank you enough.

[@talistheintrovert]

I'm sorry you had to deal with that, you deserve better!! 🫂🫂

[@Yi-em3xr]

Looking forward to properly watching this later when I have more time!

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜

[@xRiriRebel]

Same!

[@dylanthompson5421]

You talking about your experiences with abusive relationships and your anecdote with your therapist was incredibly raw and powerful. I’ve really found your videos eye opening and inspirational ! Thank you for being so vulnerable and open x

[@talistheintrovert]

You're such an angel, I miss you 😭🫂🫂

[@dylanthompson5421]

@@talistheintrovert I miss you too!

[@transrightsdinosaur]

Hey, thank you for making this video. I can tell your heart is in the right place and you will do this topic justice. I need to tap out at the 3:19 mark, I can tell this is triggering my ptsd. But thank you so much for raising awareness. I wish I saw a video like this 2 years ago.

[@talistheintrovert]

I hope that wherever you are in your healing journey, you are keeping well and finding peace 💜💜💜

[@transrightsdinosaur]

@@talistheintrovert thank you 🫂

[@scoogt]

Important thing to note if it's necessary to get the police involved in an abusive situation: whatever you do, DO NOT let the abusive person know that the police have been contacted, that only gives the abuser time to prepare for any police interaction, and they will likely retaliate against the victim or even whoever contacted the police.

[@talistheintrovert]

👏👏👏👏

[@ginger_L3]

I had a bad experience with someone who I thought was a friend where I was actively being trapped by them. I was also given the excuse that they would not "have to" trap me if I would just behave. I've somehow never heard those circumstances outright described as abusive or unacceptable before. This video is taking me forever to watch because it keeps bringing up things, but its also a very helpful and validating resource. Thank you.

[@TheArvenduri]

Very heavy. But very important. Thank you so much for this video.

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜

[@ronancaerus7793]

Even tho I'm in a happy relationship, I found this really informative and eye opening

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜

[@alexandramoore8200]

I seriously hope i never need this information in the future, and am also so glad you put it all together in this way. My only experience of this with a friend was very much a hindsight is 20-20 situation that i wish I'd recognised earlier to be able to support my friend earlier. Thank you for your hard work on this.

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜💜

[@212kirch]

This should be viewed by literally everyone 😭 thank you for being you and discussing this with such grace and eloquence 💕

[@talistheintrovert]

thank you 💜💜💜💜

[@runawaythoughts5183]

As someone who grew up in an abusive family and has had friends get roped into really bad relationships, thank you for making a resource like this. It would've helped me a lot when I was a child, and I’m sure will help others in the future

[@talistheintrovert]

🫂🫂🫂

[@aliceharper4087]

I was in an emotionally and s*xually abusive relationship halfway through high school and a physically abusive mostly platonic relationship near the end of high school and it's really difficult to look back now with the benefit of hindsight and recognise all the signs I overlooked because I loved them and was just generally in a poor place with my mental health. It's so easy to convince yourself in the moment that the situation you're in is all or more than you deserve. And it's sometimes difficult when you get in another abusive relationship afterwards to see the signs even then because not all abusers are the same. What worked on me in the first relationship wasn't what happened in the second. This video is really difficult to watch at points, seeing the things that were leveraged against me so well, even by family, but I thank you from the bottom of my heart for making this. It's so important for people to know these signs and know how to recognise them in relationships and their friends' relationships. I hope this can help even one person avoid or get out of a situation that it took me too long to get out of myself. It's never your fault and you always deserve someone who truly loves and cares about you.

[@talistheintrovert]

I hope live a life completely free of that from now on 🫂🫂

[@JemRuby]

This is such an important topic for everyone to learn about, this vid is very well done ♡

[@talistheintrovert]

thank you very much 💜

[@darthcass1210]

First off great video, I have a background in psychology and social service work and during my time in school I've taken 2 different classes on IPV (intimate partner violence) and abuse, and al the info in here is done so well I want to email it to my profs and be like "hey here's a great resource to teach these topics". Second of all, a lot of what was brought up here reminded me of things that I have see with friends/family and myself on occasion. Thankfully the people in my life are all in better situations now, myself included, but the most recent abuse scare was when my sister was with her ex-husband. He fit a lot of the criteria here he convinced her to move to a different province, he insulted/wasn't close to her friends, he was controlling, he was an andrew tate fan! And the scariest thing about this situation was the fact that they do have a child together which made it difficult for my sister to leave at first, but was ultimately the reason she did leave. While my sister still struggles with self-love and self-esteem she LOVES her child more than anyone and found the strength to leave to protect her. thankfully both my sister and niece are doing a lot better, they're far from my sister's ex and my sister is in a new relationship with a man who is a great partner and a great father figure to my niece. If you're reading this comment and you have left an abusive partner and you feel scared and guilty, if you feel like you don't deserve love or your happiness I'm here to tell you that you deserve it and you can find it, because my sister has. As a follow-up, a factor that helped my sister's ex have control over her for so long is that he was able to use his culture/religion as an excuse a lot of the time. My sister's ex is muslim and would use that as a basis of control (mainly in how she dress/her friends) and it didn't help that other family members (like our parents) would say "yeah he's muslim of course he thinks that" or be upset about things that aren't abusive just different (i.e. possibly deciding to not tell their kid about santa which further isolated by sister because it made it difficult for her to discern what is an acceptable cultural difference vs. what is a form of control. If you're in a situation like that or you know someone who is my advice is to seek resources on cultural difference and talk to other people in that culture if you can. I'd also recommend being wary if they use their background to justify hate (sister's ex used being muslim as an excuse for his homophobia and transphobia), and if they force all aspects of their background on you/ aren't willing to compromise or allow you to share your culture/background with them equally. Wanting to share in something with your partner because of their background (i.e. choosing not to eat pork because your muslim partner doesn't) is fine as long as that is your choice and not something you were shamed/guilted into. I hope my advice here makes sense and helps to whoever is reading this

[@talistheintrovert]

Your sister's ex sounds terrifying and he's abusing a religion that is already do stigmatised which is truly horrible. I'm glad she's doing better and I'm glad you're also doing well!! Like you said, it's nice to tell the good stories too, where people get out the other end and they're (mostly) okay. 🫂💜

[@aleacuna2794]

i'm definitely going to come back to this video on a later date to describe some of my specific experiences, bc for a long time i wasn't able/didn't have the resources or the words to describe what i was feeling, not so much what was being done to me. but i have to say that, having an abusive father to this day (even tho the dynamic has absolutely change during my lifetime), one of the hardest parts of the process was actually realizing me and my younger sibling were victims of domestic violence just as much as my mom was. i used to see her as the ultimate victim of the situation, after all, she was the one trapped with this terrible man bc of the children she had with him! i was being abused too, but i couldn't conceptualize what my abuse entailed completely bc i had internalized that domestic violence is when a partner abuses another, an that's it. i'm was trying to be brief, but i think one of the moment's i started to understand i was a victim of domestic violence was, as expected, pretty fucked up. i was raised always made to feel responsible for the emotional well-being of my parents in very different ways, and when my little sibling was born i was 100% parentified from day 1. around the time my sibling was 4 or 5 or maybe even 6, we had moved to a new place with more neighbors around his age. i wouldn't play with them most of the time, bc i was almost always too tired and definitely old enough i couldn't entertain myself around children that younger than me (i'm 7 years older than my sibling). at some point the oldest of that group had started picking up on my sibling whenever we met up, bc the adults (almost all of them men, i might add) wanted to play dominoes and would let all of the kids run wild any way they wanted, so they weren't paying attention. i remember the children would be in a different room, the men smoking while eating and shouting and playing, and i would be maybe in the kitchen of by a balcony, already overwhelmed by the entire situation, so i really wasn't aware anything was wrong. idk what happened to make my father finally notice my brother being bullied, but when it happened i couldn't believe what he did: he blamed it on ME. the 11 or 12 or 13 year old who didn't even want to be there. blaming a child. i'm so upset to this day bc i was a child. i look at pictures of little kid me and i still cry thinking how an adult that was supposed to care for us could treat us with such cruelty. and he did anything to deflect the blame when i confronted him: he called me a liar, he said i had to know and that i didn't do anything bc i hated them, that i should've watched the kids all the time and that was on me, that it was my job to make sure at any moment that my baby sibling was safe. as if i left the baby in a bathtub with a toaster with murdering intent. he was so absorbed in his own enjoyment he didn't even noticed i didn't play with kids almost a decade younger than me as a literal pre-teen. he didn't even noticed when i found out about my sibling being bullied like that i cried and felt guilty, bc i WAS their big sib, and all of the movies taught me i had to protect them (which i think it's still a good impulse within me, bc i think it's natural to want to protect the people you love). i was so out of it. there was no way he could make me believe it was my fault. HE was the adult. HE was OUR FATHER. he should love us and want to protect us not only when he has the time or the attention span, or when it's coming from someone he already doesn't like. it made me so much more concretely aware, maybe for the first time, that my father didn't love us, not like a parent should love a child. we were trophies to show off. we were pawns in whatever war he rained on my mom that week. we were pets when he wanted to take us out to play or dress us in cute onesies, but we were never really... people. none of us were. i don't think none of us are still in his head, bc what's changed is that the grasp on his control over us has slowly dwindled. he can't hurt me now, not with the same power he had over me before, so he knows he has to be more docile to make me slip and trap me again. but as much as i could say i am stronger now, for the most part i'm just tired of the bullshit. i'm an adult with a life now, the one thing he never wanted me to be.

[@aleacuna2794]

also! maybe i have a point from the perspective of an dv survivor about why it's so hard sometimes when your loved ones don't speak up about your abuse/keep having relationships with your abuser after you've opened up about it! i'm going to share some details about my own dv, so i hope anyone who could be triggered takes their time for this one or skips it if that's too much. my dad is a very large man, so physical abuse, or the threat of physical abuse was always on the table for my sibling, my mom (even tho she almost never was the recipient) and me. in one occasion (i have to admit it's hard for me to remember exact dates and ages, also bc of said abuse), he slapped my mom or threw a glass of water to her face bc of something my little sibling had done, and started shouting and threatening her, so i jumped to him to stop them. i think i scratched him and punched him a bit to disuade him, and i honestly can't remember if he hit me clearly. i do remember my mom warning me to leave him be so he wouldn't hurt me. i felt extremely upset and unsafe immediately after the fact, so i took my laptop (i worked online), maybe a couple of personal items (including ones i was afraid he'd destroy in my absence) and the little money i had and called a friend's dad to beg him to pick me up. he took me to my best friend's house, and asked me if he had hurt my mom. i couldn't respond, i felt like i was dying, and i'll forever be grateful he didn't push me. he handled it as good as he could with the information he had. i was 17 or 18, same as my best friend, and she lived with her older sister. when i got there i was a mess, and i think i cried perpetually for the first two days i was there. i didn't want to report him bc i knew that could put my mom in danger, and i was absolutely sure my mom wouldn't leave him or might even protect him from consequences. i told my friend and her sister everything i could remember, from all the years of past abuse to the current situation, and they did their best to make me feel safe. i unfortunately went back home a week later. and life went on. the abuse didn't stop, but we didn't have an incident like that again for years. and i always talked about how much i hated my father to anyone who would listen. still, he's always been really charismatic, so my friend already liked him. she didn't have a relationship with her father (whom was absent from her life, and definitely traumatized her by his own neglect), so i felt in many ways she viewed my dad as her father figure. not much time passed before she was making friends with him again. like i wasn't telling her all the horrible ways he treated my family every couple days. and that just made me feel so devastated, and honestly, less and less capable of reporting him. why would it matter anyway, if everyone i loved could look past the abuse so they could have him in their lives? i don't think i'll ever forget her letting me stay at her home in a moment like that. that was the first time i semi-ran away from home, and i'm glad i didn't have to stay in the streets just so i didn't have to be around that beast. but i still have extreme trust issues whenever i talk about my abuse to anyone, in case they meet my father later and think "oh this guy is neat, who cares whatever the mentally unstable bitch thinks". i know he probably took advantage of her own daddy issues, but i don't think i'll ever forgive her for being so willing to keep loving my father the way she did. i felt so alone in the world.

[@talistheintrovert]

I can't tell you how much of this I went through as well, and because I know how it feels I know there's nothing I can say to make you feel better except that you're not alone, and we can make our futures better for ourselves 💜🫂💜🫂

[@cassiesamuel8785]

I've said it before but the content you make is genuinely incredible. This is such an immensely helpful and in depth resource on a topic i know so little about due to my personal privilege and the lack of public discourse. and you do all this whilst keeping the content really engaging!! it's amazing and im so glad i found this channel thank you

[@talistheintrovert]

that is so kind, thank you!! 💜💜

[@dylanthompson5421]

The animal montage was so cute (and much needed in the middle of the heavy topics) x I really appreciated it and you!

[@talistheintrovert]

🫂🫂🫂

[@dylanthompson5421]

@@talistheintrovert 🦔 🦒 🦓

[@thepeculiarmaple]

The music is a bit overwhelming for this topic, but I like their video because it's VERY informative and accurate!

[@NihilisticWhim]

Thank you for this video. I have a friend who's come back into my life after a year+ of being out of it and I'm finding out how abusive their family and psychological help they were getting has been. It's odd to think of medical abuse, but it happens - especially with those who don't seem to truly care about the help they give. It's crushing to hear you talk about people not being able to trust themselves as I hear her say that a lot when she's venting to me - it takes a lot to not be hurt by her not trusting me but I'm trying to rebuild that slowly and surely. This has given me some words for her, and I will always be grateful for that.

[@talistheintrovert]

I'm sorry your friend has been dealing with all of that and I hope they find themself and their peace again soon, I'm sure with good friends like you they'll be okay 🫂🫂

[@Pxlatn]

Thank you for this video. It's given me a lot to think about and process.

[@talistheintrovert]

Thank you. I hope whatever processing you have to do helps you move further into a safer future 💜

[@asahitora]

This video hit very close to home in more dimension than one. I won‘t get into too much detail, but essentially there was a push and pull contest between my abusive caregiver and my abusive partner shitting on each other for several years. With the caregiver I still have contact at times, because they connect me to people important to me, which otherwise would be way more difficult and they are in my rent contract as second party because otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten my flat, but I try to keep it to a minimum and set boundaries with consequences if I see them crossed.

[@talistheintrovert]

I'm so glad that you've been able to work out a safer situation and I hope one day you're free of them entirely 💜

[@Shadowfan5371]

It feels crazy to say this, but I feel like I really needed to see this video today and hear the things said in it. Thank you for making this, I just hope I gain enough strength and courage to do some of the things you mentioned in this video sooner than later.

[@talistheintrovert]

Even if nobody else knows how brave you are yet, I know you can do this, and you don't have to do anything right now except take care of yourself and know that you deserve better 💜

[@jaxofspades549]

For the algorithm! I hope it gets the message and actually starts showing you in my feed and I don’t actively have to search for you!

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜💜

[@jimn1716]

I'm in a weird position where my one friend is INSISTING I'm in an avusive friendship but my other friends are telling me that THAT friend is showing abusive tendancies too so I'm hoping watching this video will tell me which friendship to end 😅

[@talistheintrovert]

it could be nothing, it could be both, it's important to take note of all these behaviours and make sure. 💜

[@gogreen2496]

I think this is a really great video! Very important but I feel you hinge a lot of these behaviors on being intentional. I was emotionally abused by an ex friend and one of the reasons I stayed for so long is that I knew they weren't doing it "on purpose". They were someone who was extremely traumatized from previous abuse and had developed incredibly toxic protective behaviors. That does not excuse those actions at all and it is does not make it any less abusive. (ironically this person was obsessed with the Daniel Sloss specials.)

[@talistheintrovert]

AGREED!! Also I'm sorry you went through that!! 🫂🫂

[@NattiNekoMaid]

Man this is always so hard for me because most people dont understand my complex reaction to this abuse. It changes your brain chemestry it puts you in a different world and its just made me want to want to return to that world even after being out of the abusive world for 7 years. I finally have a partner to help me through the complex feelings, but its been driving me mad and when I hear about all the tactics I'm just in this mood where I miss the rush of what they'd do to me. the emotional high. I'm fairly sober from the high of it all but the addiction isn't gone, its always there always life ruining..

[@Rachel-lo6if]

Thank you for spreading important information

[@adcaptandumvulgus4252]

Hope the universe pays you back for the nonsense you endured. You've my empathy.

[@talistheintrovert]

Thank you 💜🫂

[@dylanthompson5421]

This was such a heavy watch, but I’m so glad I watched and that you made it.

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜

[@dylanthompson5421]

@@talistheintrovert 💕💕💕

[@Alikeablepeach]

Thank you for spreading this and thank you for always saying what needs to be said even if it’s upsetting to hear. Thank you for being so supportive, love you so much!

[@talistheintrovert]

🫂🫂🫂🫂💜💜💜💜

[@BronzeGolem]

Thank you for this. I am on the other side of this. I was in a 10+ old friendship and a few months ago they cut off the friendship and blocked me everywhere. They were absolutely in the right to do so, they said in the last message they had had toxic friendships in the past and they wouldn't do it again and they were right. I had been in a terrible head space for a while, unprocessed traumas, depression leading to a lot of stupid behavior and the AuDHD definitly made everything a lot more complicated. I've been processing and working throught those cause I don't want to hurt someone like that again, and I think I done a lot of progess, but one part that had yet to click, that use of the word toxic, I don't think I knew what that meant. This video helped a lot. And the thing is I can look at the tactics described and see a little bit of myself in it, not to this extent, gods no, but I can look back and I can remenber when things were fragile saying I was disapointed in them, cause I knew they are extremelly competetive and feel that need to be praised and have you think the world of them and that would get them not to go away, it was manipulative as fu*k and disgusts me and makes me scared that I have it in me to be the kind of person described in the video. I really don't want to be, i want to be there for people, make them happy, be the sort of people people speak good about behind their back, but I can't deny that spark is there. I'm so glad she broke the friendship off, I'm so glad she rightfully pointed out that message as vile, and i wish I could send her this video cause she is definetly the sort of person that could fall for this in the future, though clearly she has already taken great strides to make sure she doesn't again.

[@mcnassy]

Thank you for making this video! I hope it reaches everyone who need it!

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜💜

[@femmemeow]

my friend and i were just talking about stalking and DV in relation to contestants on dating shows. i was particularly disgusted by a conversation had between a female dating show contestant and the mother of the man she was set up with to marry. there was some sort of issue or conundrum mentioned about men and women and who has the power in a relationship....the mother told the female contestant that she should submit to her man because he has all the power....i think i watched this on netflix in 2020 or 2021. in that same show, and others, producers are apparently aware that some of the men have stalking and/or DV charges against women filed against them, some even were broken up at the time of filming but with the women being coerced by their contracts to film as a couple anyway. that's just on tv what the public can see. i'm also one of the people who knows too much about DV due to having lived thru it on more than one occasion and it makes me terrified and sick to see violence against women and violence within families and relationships be promoted as normal on tv and the internet. i'm here watching in real time as part of my country tries to backslide human rights policies in an attempt to turn women back into property and shove domestic violence behind closed doors. on the subject of financial abuse out here it is easy to end up in a situation where someone controls your finances and it isn't abusive, so when it becomes abusive or controlling there isn't much help and the state or government help is absolutely not enough to survive on. if you don't already work or have your own money then leaving a relationship when you don't have financial self reliance you face homelessness, hunger, a lack of proper medical care, and loss of reliable transportation. if you are chronically ill then this can be a death sentence. if you don't have family or friends to help then all of this is even worse. in america some forms of financial disability will be denied to a married disabled person because their needs are only calculated by what their partner or household provides. that means if you're established as disabled while you are single, get married, and your spouse has a job that pays them money and provides health insurance then the government can and will deny financial food assistance, bill pay assistance, and monthly financial assistance for general rent and utility needs because the spouse makes enough money, according to the government, to provide for you both. you would then have to reapply and requalify for these assistance programs if a divorce were to take place, and approval is not over night, it often takes weeks or months, some times years, and you need somewhere to live while you wait but you also cannot live in a place where those people have money or help you because then the govt would accuse you of not needing the help soooooo it is a nasty set up here that gets people stuck. it is absolutely scary out here and half the country doesn't even want to notice.

[@talistheintrovert]

👏👏👏👏👏

[@StarShade-l7q]

I dont feel comfortable talking about this with people. I told my therapist once that it feels like im holding up individual grains of sand and describing them, but just off screen is the desert im dying in.

[@catherinemeno6030]

I'm going to keep watching these videos until I can keep myself out of Abusive relationships 😮‍💨 The next level of challenge is if You're anxious/ have anxiety disorder/ anxious attachment and your abuser has adhd Are they _really_ forgetting or faking it? Are they neglecting you or hyperfocusing? Do they just not know how to express their emotions or are they truly unfeeling? I spent 12 years being the person my ex wanted and when we finished, the thing that struck me that my mom said was 'you changed so much of yourself, I'm happy you can start being yourself again' I hadn't even realized I had changed

[@tymondabrowski12]

If they hurt you, it doesn't really matter why that is - you can still leave. It might be that you're just simply incompatible. Not in your case, I assume - since you said it was abusive - but in that imagined case.

[@talistheintrovert]

sometimes they don't even know themselves! one of my abusers used their diagnoses to wave things away all the time and I could never tell which times it was real and which times it was being used on purpose. maybe you never will - intent doesn't matter when their actions hurt you. 🫂🫂🫂

[@bb823]

Everyone needs to watch this.

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜

[@DisasterAster]

What an important video. Commenting for the algorithm 💛

[@talistheintrovert]

thank you!

[@weatheredwizardwitch]

the main issue with being Young (20 years old currently) and Neurodivergent (AuDHD) is that people will not believe what you experience is real regardless of whether you are a man or a woman. this is a problem when you are a trans man (meeeeee lmaoooo) who was born a Perfect Female (ew) yet has STILL grown a happy trail darker than some men have it (androgens play a role in Stress Regulation and my system(s) were VERY stressed. androgens are otherwise called 'masculinising hormones' and EVERYONE has them, just in diff quantities) anyway who knew being in a country currently Literally at war would be better, than in a household with our birth parents. who could've POSSIBLY known ! sincerely, the words of a rus-ukrainian perpetual migrant

[@talistheintrovert]

🫂🫂🫂🫂

[@irisv_d_h2251]

a relative of mine used to be in an extremely abusive relationship. a while after he had been caught, his psychiatrist said that he was "making strides, but that it would be best for him if he could move back in with his wife and kids", the judge approved and he moved back in after which the abuse immediately continued until my relative fled the house with her kids and basically went into hiding. the fact that he continued abusing isn't even what makes me the most angry when i heard this story. what angered me the most about this is that instead of doing what's best for my relative and her kids and never letting him near any of them ever again, they completely ignored their needs and safety in favour of what's "best" for the abuser. hell, even if he had somehow changed, why on earth would anyone think it's a good idea to bring the ex-abuser back into the home, as if my relative or her kids would ever be able to forgive or forget what he did to them. i'm glad that they're all safe now, but a lot of hurt and trauma could've been avoided if the justice system would've protected the victims instead of the abuser. thanks for making this video, it's a really important one

[@faith-by-faith]

Thank you for making this video that KZbin apparently did not want me to know about! There is not an emoji good enough to express how much I hate the way this website works (or DOESN'T)! Anyway...even a couple years out from separating myself as much as possible from a former friend who I realized (after years of friendship) was..."bad", hearing some of this was...jarring. He was like a father to me, which now that I think about it...yeah, that checks out. It's still wild how many things I haven't noticed until watching this, but I've been told folks who do this know how to spot a vulnerable person. Jesus.

[@talistheintrovert]

🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

[@Authentistic-ism]

Thank you for this and i haven't watched yet. i had to learn these things the hard way as many of us did and are still doing. Hugs to all, you deserve a life worth living

[@talistheintrovert]

🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

[@maitev.2629]

Thank you very much for making this video

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜

[@very_nervous133]

Thank you for this video!

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜💜

[@liquidsonic9438]

I hope this gets to people who need it and we can spread the knowledge. Thank you for covering such an important topic in such an easy to understand and in depth way 🧡

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜💜💜

[@grrrl.pusher]

Within the last few years, I've become surrounded by stories of dv specifically against women. Earlier this year, the very strong ex girlfriend of a musician/twitch streamer, that I looked up to immensely, bravely came forward and recounted the horrifying abuse he put her through. Never in my life had I felt so shocked and absolutely humiliated to have supported someone, who had deliberately hurt someone so profoundly. It broke my heart to discover that a man that I admired, championed feminist rhetoric while committing atrocities he claimed to denounce. This situation has impacted me in ways I did not expect it to, namely it made me more aware of the manipulation tactics men in my own life have used to hurt their family, friends, or romantic partners and it made me more cautious in my own life to look for the warning signs. It's so incredibly important to have these discussions so that more victims can be avoided and those who are already victims to find freedom and safety. Thank you eternally for using your platform to share this, it will help more than you may understand ❤

[@talistheintrovert]

I too hate Wilbur 🙏💜

[@Rose_Haw]

This appeared in my recommended basically right after my first date with my first bf 😅 I hope I won't be needing this and that everyone that does shall find it

[@aceoflights.]

Thanks so much for making this video! This really is such an important topic. And this video was so informative and well made. I hope i never need it, but it's always good to know what to look out for. Especially also to know what to look out for in other people's relationships as well, and how to support them.

[@talistheintrovert]

Thank you 💜💜

[@wen6519]

I feel weird about hwo kany memories of random things came up from my interactions with people, both things they have done and things I did that were technically abusive. Not to the same people, it was done to me by some people, and i did it to others. I think my sense of those beginning signs is warped, and i need to reflect on myself how i show up in conflict. And what i let others get away with, instead of facing the list of receipts and asking myself if this makes sense. I will be saving this video.

[@talistheintrovert]

🫂🫂🫂

[@simrabawany2546]

This is such an informative video. Thanks Tal

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜

[@grittysurrealism]

Could you name or link the comedian please? I'd like to watch it but didn't write his name down when you said it and now I can't find it

[@talistheintrovert]

Daniel Sloss!

[@emh.1178]

Thank you! I was looking for this as well:D

[@trevorstewart1308]

comment of positive support. this is a very important video with a lot of very helpful information. thank you

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜💜

[@sarahchillomg2946]

this one's a banger, chief

[@sarahchillomg2946]

also, as someone who has been in several abusive relationships, both romantic and platonic, I gotta say... I can tell you have too just by the way you're speaking, and I'm so sorry. and to anyone reading this comment, please listen to the advice in this video. it could save your life one day.

[@talistheintrovert]

🫂🫂🫂🫂

[@ness.ness.]

thank you so much for making this

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜

[@Me-tp5eg]

my mother isn't physically abusive. since being rejected from uni because of a missing credit i've been taking a gap year and spending a lot more time at home because i'm not in physical school. i've had way more time to spend journaling and caring for myself, and it makes interactions with her so much more bearable. and it raises the question for me, if i should really cut her out of my life as soon as possible. when i ask myself why i wouldn't, i think of how unfair it for her, that she so clearly loves me but then also still takes the time to degrade and yell and criticize. i feel ridiculous thinking of how just a few months ago she yelled at me and it scared me so bad i packed myself a bag so i could run if i ever needed to. i constantly feel like im walking on eggshells, and then feel crazy for 'over reacting' in every situation where things are fine. the only reason i consider keeping them in my life is because how bad it must hurt to love someone and then not have them reciprocate. and i think of my dad who also clearly loves me, but will always side with her. then i think, no that's insane. because they're the ones who fucked me over. even if things aren't bad as they used to be, aren't as bad as they could be, doesn't mean i shouldn't take myself seriously. yknow this probably could've worked well as a journal entry. but instead im saying it here. anyways thanks a lot for making this video. it's reassuring to me. i've had a very messy friendship with this guy i care a lot about, and despite everything, none of his actions fell into anything here. and it really helped me understand difference between honest mistakes and intentionally hurting someone. and of course giving me some more perspective on how i feel about my mom. anyways! thank you so much for all the great videos! hope you have a good day ♥

[@talistheintrovert]

I'm sorry you're struggling with this, and I hope manage to get out of there and find peace and safety soon, and I'm glad my video could be of any help at all 💜💜💜

[@kjhorne2698]

This was a heavy video. Thank you. ❤

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜

[@poppixie101]

I wish this video existed three years ago. I was in an 8 year long abusive relationship and it was so slow I didn't realize the I was cooked until the water was boiling and things got physical, but all of the jeckyl and Hyde stuff you mentioned and the turning things back on you when they hurt you. Dealt with all of that for too long...

[@talistheintrovert]

I'm so sorry you had to deal with that, but I'm happy you came out the other side 🫂🫂🫂

[@poppixie101]

@@talistheintrovert Thank you. I'm sorry you had to go through it too 🫂 also I love your videos!! Tysm for making this!! It couldn't have been easy but it's a great video! ❤️💕

[@w1lstar.b425]

An amazing video I hope I'll never need

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜

[@metmanik]

thank you for posting this.

[@talistheintrovert]

💜💜💜💜

[@adcaptandumvulgus4252]

Heads up, you're going to look amazing, this time next year. G'luck & dith

[@talistheintrovert]

🫡🫡🫡

[@Me-tp5eg]

27:23 it's fucking insane how many of these my mom checks off. i bet anyone with a list of logical fallacies would have a field day with her. TONE POLICING IS CRAZY. MY MOM LITERALLY DOES THAT ALL THE TIME. (very satisfying to know all the names of my mom's BS 'strategies'. because suddenly it's not just her and what she does. it's a genuine problem that you have to take seriously. )

[@talistheintrovert]

🫂🫂🫂🫂

[@Karishma_Unspecified]

So, because of this video, I looked up Daniel Sloss on my (uncle's) Netflix, and watched Jigsaw. It was interesting. I should preface this by saying that I'm single and haven't been in any romantic relationships before (unless you count the 7 month long distance one where we met literally only once). The jigsaw analogy is a good one, but only if you also work with the assumption that completeness is not the goal. Some people have several different pieces that fit in that hole and some of those pieces might be from a partner, and some might not. And later in life, the proportion might change. I do not know what the meaning of life, the purpose of my life is - but I know nobody's sense of fulfillment is static, because humans, like all living beings, are one big dynamic set of metabolic reactions - to be still, to have those reactions to stop, is to die. The meaning of life must be built from the fabric of life, which necessitates that it be fluid. Pretentiousness aside, I do believe that Love MUST be the centrepiece of the puzzle. Both the Love you give and the Love you receive; both the Love for yourself and Love for those around you. How that Love manifests depends on circumstance. And like Sloss posits, your Love for yourself is your metric to figure out the magnitude of other's Love for you - I love the line about being impressed by 30% if only 20% is what you know. What this equation does not talk about, is your Love for others. And in that, I agree more with you Talis - you cannot regret the Love you gave someone because that is a beautiful part of who you are. I think it is a human need to both give and receive Love, and that that Love must be True. I just don't think that True Love has to be romantic: it could also be platonic, familial, parental, community-based, career-passion-based, spiritual, or (most like) some linear combination of the above. And the whatever the True Love space looks like, the pieces that fill it will always be changing. How they will change though - and how much control you have over the matter - is the real mystery of life. And I don't think a cynical 26 year old (at the time) on the internet can answer that for me - who is also a cynical 26 year old on the internet. Anyway, a comedy special made me write this long ass essay, while also making me laugh pretty often, so I think Daniel Sloss's specials were pretty good all things considered. Thanks for the recommendation. I hope you're doing well! :)

[@egg_bun_]

As someone who was in an abusive marriage to a libertarian Christian cishet white man, I'm glad you made this video. I support all efforts to help get this information out there.

[@talistheintrovert]

I'm so glad you're out and I hope you're living a much better life 💜💜

[@egg_bun_]

@@talistheintrovert I am! Every day I'm so happy I'm divorced. I may have lost everything else, but at least I have my freedom, and the ability to be whoever I want to be.

[@rainyfeathers9148]

I realise the seriousness of the subject but that 'I'll kill/harm myself' bs always gets me in the funny bone. Saying he'd drive himself into a wall? I'd be part of the problem; 'And that's bad for me how? You'll be dead and I won't go to prison for it'. If he doesn't want to die, just to control, it won't work. Then he'll have to try 'She tried to kill me/wants me to die' but that brings too many eyes onto the relationship, especially if he involves any authorities. Lotta work he ain't gon do if he's smart🤣

[@brianc4632]

It’s definitely different, and silly, when looking at it from the outside. That’s probably why abusers work at hijacking their victim’s empathy and fears so they can, as the video points out, flip the table and the victim ends being the one trying to appease/comfort them. Whether or not an abuser goes through with it isn’t important to them. What’s important is that they remain in control over their victim.

[@talistheintrovert]

Yeah there is a certain point in time where it does get old. And you do get hardened to it, and you want to be like "okay do it, then" but then there's always that 1% chance that they will and then you'll never get over it. it's a hard tightrope to walk

[@rainyfeathers9148]

@@brianc4632 For which they have to be alive🤣🤣🤣. You're right though, even if they die the victim will blame themselves and that is also control.

[@brianc4632]

@@rainyfeathers9148 Yes. An abuser may feel that whether or not they are alive is not necessary for them to maintain control over their victim. The abuser’s suicide is just another tool because the abuser does not view their victim as equal. Whatever consequences their actions may cause is inconsequential. If the act of suicide will leave a permanent, lasting scar on their victim then that might be motivation enough to go through with it.

[@MxPokirby]

It's notably not great when you have chronic anxiety, abandonment issues, and a literally debilitating fear of death which is constantly being weaponized against you. You don't exactly "become numb" to the threats.

[@Rachel-lo6if]

Commenting for the algorithm

[@talistheintrovert]

thank you!

[@EinarTheGoatGod]

I have someone in my life that I am worried about in regards to abuse. I've slowly come to notice the abusive nature of the relationship their in. But they are a person that I've cut off contact with for being abusive. I don't know how to reach out because while I want them to be safe, I also need to be safe. I still do care about them and I know they need help but I don't know how to help without compromising myself.

[@talistheintrovert]

That's a really tough situation, I'm not sure how it would be best to navigate it, but (at the risk of sounding selfish) you should definitely prioritise your own needs and safety first 🫂

[@availanila]

46:45 my cousin is in an abusive relationship. He kept telling me all these disheartening things and expressing tge desire to get out of it. I told him to do his best for himself and painted out the way the things she does are abusive or selfish. He's cut me out of his life. Your mother might gave been frustrated but those people did the best in light of a bad situation theu saw their loved one put themselves in and not see. My friend was killed by a man everyone kept telling me to get her to leave. She never left no matter how many people kept begging her to leave. It was so bad teachers and strangers would stop her, me, her family etc to beg us and her to leave him and get her to keave him. She stayed till he offed her and their son. I cut out of my life people in abusive relationships nowadays. It's draining and the wins are rare (I've never seen a win myself).

[@talistheintrovert]

Wins do happen, like Caelan said bringing it up CAN make somebody cut you out, but that's a risk a lot of people see as worth taking. If they don't follow your advice then you need to make your peace with that and walk away if it's too distressing for you, that's completely okay, that's your boundary.

[@wordsonpaper]

I just... thank you. Thank you.

[@talistheintrovert]

🫂🫂

[@Minakie]

Easily the biggest trauma of my life is the one I'm living through right now: trying to come to terms with the fact I will be stuck living with my abusive family until the day I die, because I don't make enough money to move out on my own but also make too much money to be eligible for aid from the government or charities. I have wanted to "get good grades, get a job and move out" before I was even old enough to attend school but I am now 2 years away from being considered "too old" for the bank to give me a proper loan to buy a house and there's just no way I can make enough money in the next to years to be able to move out. So yeah, I'm permanently stuck living with my abusers for the rest of my life and having a really hard time processing this. I feel like I let that little child down. It's also exhausting to have to put on a mask and have to pretend that all is well because, if you speak ill of your family, most of society still think that you're the one at fault, or you get comments like "That's not abusive" or "That doesn't sound that bad", which just make me die inside faster because I feel like no one really understands what it's like to die on the inside a death by a thousand cuts, slowly over time, since you were an infant.

[@talistheintrovert]

God I'm so so so so so sorry you're dealing with that. If I had access to money and resources I'd do everything I could to help people like you escape situations like that. I know there's nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I'm thinking of you, and on all levels except physical, I am offering a hug 🫂🫂🫂

[@Minakie]

@@talistheintrovert Thank you, that means a lot. I know trauma survivors would gladly help one another if we had the means, but life doesn't always work like that. But it's still nice to know that, in the midst of all the bad, there are also some good people in the world.

[@fairylesbyaintdve6536]

If it’s possible you could make a go fundme or a ko-fi, maybe even if the amounts are small over time a bit of extra money will come in and make a difference???? I know I would give at least 5-10 depending on where I’m at to any fund like that….

[@alexbistagne1713]

1:03:41 Personally, I think the standard should be: believe victims are injured. whether they are in an abusive or toxic or more complicated situation is where the salt should be assigned.

[@talistheintrovert]

👏👏👏

[@hollo0o583]

So many dangerous australian creatures! I’m surprised you survived this long!XD

[@hellofwinnie]

Yeah it's crazy how most NS in my life were either teachers or social workers. And without a fail I see some of my automatic behaviors are def fall into abusing others even if I don't realise it. I wonder if it's just a learnt dynamic or a legit need to cover insecurities and fears 🤔

[@faithgrins]

I'm sorry that you've had these experiences. It's disgusting that people need to make videos like this because this behavior is so common. It's disgusting that you have to say "not _all_ men." It's disgusting that you have to change your language so that KZbin doesn't demonetize a video that's _trying to help._ I don't have anything useful to say, here. I'm just sorry that the world and men are like this.

[@talistheintrovert]

🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

[@Alikeablepeach]

DUSTY IS A KZbin STAR NOW 😮😮

[@talistheintrovert]

HE SURE IS!! 🥰🥰🥰

[@rainyfeathers9148]

Ever heard the saying 'Duppy kno hu fi frigh'en'(ghosts know who to frighten). That's how people keep ending up in abusive relationships, they're being targeted. It's like people get marked or something, I don't know how to describe the "marking" with words, you just know. I'd get the feeling that a thing had happened or they did something, then it turns out I was right. They'd either mention it themselves or someone else does, they're not always talking to me (I'd go to get coffee and hear or the person would mention it to me or tell me, something like that). I never ever say/do anything or act differently (for obvious reasons) because... it sounds callous but can I mind my own business please? Please??? But that's not how you help people is it😑.