How To Stop Being A People Pleaser

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This video seems quite hypocritical, especially on this channel.
Mainly because we talk a lot about impressing others, how to seem cool, confident and general tips to increase your charisma.
However, there is a fine line between genuine charisma and people pleasing, and the latter is exactly what we DON’T want.
So today, let’s dive into the subtle signs of people pleasing that you are likely doing so we can solve them and crush them for good!
⏰TIMESTAMPS⏰
0:34 - Sign #1: Mismatch Between What You’re Saying And What You’re Thinking
1:43 - Sign #2: Setting Up “Covert Contracts”
2:53 - Sign #3: Difference In Behaviour Between Groups
4:18 - Solution #1: Listen To Your Internal Voice
5:12 - Solution #2: Be Creative In Expressing Your Real Self
6:05 - Solution #3: Pay Attention To Consistent Personality Traits
7:25 - How To Make An Amazing First Impression
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#PeoplePleasing #CharismaOnCommand #SelfDevelopment
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Instagram: @CharlieHoupert
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[@xanthippus9079]

One important thing I learned is that I shouldn't expect people to return favours. If I decide to help someone, I must realise they may not be as grateful as I wish they were, and that's fine.

[@rrations]

Exactly.. beautifully put.

[@thesalaryman4601]

I wish more people would realize this. Being on the receiving end of this negative behavior is pretty nasty as well. Like when you accept help from someone and then they behave as if you owe them. Help for the sake of helping!

[@J4rj4r81nx]

I personally expect reciprocation at some point. I will accept that a favour can't be cashed in on, if I'm given a legitimately honest reason for their unavailability... but if I'm being ignored or the can kicked down the road too often, I consider the person to be unreliable or manipulative. I'm fairly lenient on those timelines too. But when I feel people are doing too much for me I will begin refusing their help until I can get to a point where I can begin repaying them. Which reminds me I need to take my friend out to few more movies. *edited to add some possible clarification.

[@hansennoah1]

Thats what im trying to remove but idk why everytime i help someone i always expect something out of it

[@barrowtouraysawo7661]

what a liberating mindset to have. I am inspired.

[@SeanLunny]

Draw a line in the sand and don’t let anyone cross it. Determine what you will accept and what’s unacceptable. Stick to it. You will be respected

[@louisfiorina7497]

Yes. Making decisions on your drawn line and experience. If someone asks you for a favor that crosses the line, just let them know that's that is too much to ask and they probably won't be that upset but will respect it.

[@waterbender19]

boundaries

[@oldleaf3755]

What if you're wrong? They're arbitrary afterall and could've been created with ignorance. Then you'd be stuck defending a mistake.

[@BadenHealth]

old leaf thats life

[@porknsteak]

What if someone deliberately crosses your line? What do you do when to not accept it?

[@MrBillDaBear]

Underrated aspect about this channel: No cuts. Just one continuous take. That proves you really know what you’re talking about and can share this information with confidence and conviction. Excellent video as always :)

[@crazymike1706]

To be fair, he does it quite frequently

[@PurplePinkRed]

@@crazymike1706 That's the exact point. I've watched many of his videos, and he has fantastic insights on a variety of charisma related topics and really does know what he's talking about.

[@adamoleoni2272]

He does cut

[@firstnamelastname5950]

Uh. ... ever heard of multiple takes? 😝LMFAO!

[@jackquinby6810]

I legitimately was researching this yesterday because I people please SO much. I swear to god you can read my mind

[@katyisgone]

Nah that's just google tracking your every move

[@bolobalaman]

Well i can’t read your mind now

[@bolobalaman]

Luke Robinett people keep saying don’t be people pleaser but it’s just stressful to live like that where everyone hate u

[@cruz6550]

@@bolobalaman if the people around you hate you bc you dont do what they want then they all are doing a favor to you and u havew to get new good people in youre life

[@bolobalaman]

Juan Cruz yes that’s is true but let’s say u stuck with them like in high school and place that u have to stick around with for along time. Sometime i think u gotta compromise abit to have a less stressful life. Of course i still have a line with such people.

[@howchen8529]

The funny thing is that charisma always felt like people pleasing to me For a very long time

[@ElectrikkPaperClipxx]

The r/niceguys shoutout gives me life

[@livla6759]

I feel called out but heard at the same time 😂

[@tiffanypersaud3518]

Livla, that’s the best thing about his videos tbh.

[@angelaaranjo7949]

Girl, same

[@MikeHersnt]

If you keep pleasing others, you can't be ever happy with your life. Accept who you are and be it. Great message bro!

[@chickadeeemily7045]

Spot on! People pleasing can be a subtle form of manipulation (possibly well intentioned) that covers up insecurity and the belief that "others only like me for what I can give them". Instead, a healthier mentality might be, "I like me and I like others, so I treat both myself and others well with consistently high standards". Love your videos! :) Keep up the great work.

[@mackenziiee.]

Chickadee Emily this is by far the better tl:dr I’ve read! 💜

[@lenonfreire3235]

Great analogy!

[@theshimmering2064]

A subtle form of manipulation? I love how you turn something that is created in order to survive a wrathful childhood into a person trying to manipulate others. People learn that others only like them conditionally early on in life again in childhood. These aren't beliefs they just created out of thin air. A people pleaser would be happier not doing that so much and being more authentic. But you don't need to go making it something so negative and shadowy, like they are trying to trick you by their people pleasing.

[@lelelew2735]

@@theshimmering2064 @The shimmering everyone's a people pleaser it's actually smart because it comes from not wanting to be outcasted by the tribe for survival. Humans are social creatures so we learn early on in order to maintain peace we need to somewhat people please to maintain relationships you wouldnt be able to be bluntly honest with your spouse or friends all the time or they'll eventually leave because people would rather accept a lie that makes them feel good than a truth that makes them feel bad. So when ever people say stop being a people pleaser I do this 🙄 because we are this way because evolution and the need to survive.

[@DCMarvelMultiverse]

I have lived in fear of cruel bosses and co-workers for so long, I have put myself in a shell, dissembling to a point where my old charisma is gone. Your videos are helping.

[@Hubjeep]

0:34 Saying "No" to others is saying "Yes" to yourself.

[@0utder]

The best part is when you’ve helped and didn’t expect anything in return and you got something.

[@FunkyPeanut7]

Hey Charlie! I've been thinking about this lately. You said that you used to be shy and more introverted when you were younger before you learned all the charisma tricks you're teaching us. After you changed, have you ever thought that the new you isn't genuine anymore? Are we actually charismatic or just shy people that know how to appear charismatic? Is it just a mask? I know it's a heavy question lol but I really don't know how to answer it. Thanks!

[@Adloquiem]

This is an amazing question. Wondering the same

[@imane8537]

I keep wondering abt this too everytime i think abt changing myself and it scares the shit out of me

[@leticia3299]

great question! I'm leaving a comment so I can check this later

[@cagataysunal1130]

Imposter Syndrome? You're not changing your personality. You're changing the way you project that personality.

[@chasingdaydreams2788]

Having charisma does not mean changing your personality. Charisma refers to creating an impactful positive impression on someone. A quiet person can also have charisma. Think of Zayn Malik or Ryan Gosling.

[@therunawayrascal]

i feel like the selfish and lazy part of everyone should also be talked about with this. in the first point, that inner voice could simply be not wanting to help someone or give up your time because you're being lazy or selfish or prideful. also, sometimes doing the right thing isn't enjoyable, and that can't be the be-all-end-all measurement. your insights are much appreciated as always! and being able to say no is hugely important. but i think the above clarification should be made so people don't take it to a negative extreme. a follow up video on the difference between being a people pleaser and being a servant/a person who brings great value would be awesome to see!

[@devanshigupta7567]

I used to think that it was bad that I would behave the same way around different people. Whether it's a driver or a servant or it's a teacher in my school or it's my best friend, I would--at the core--behave in the same manner with all of them. And I used to think that this was wrong, that the people whom I interact with are different, so I should behave with them differently. This video has eliminated that doubt within me. Really cool, man. These videos are really relatable and authentic. Thanks a ton!

[@ZacharyLaid]

Everyone in the rat race is trained to please people... You wouldn't tell your boss "No" to any task even if you know it is ridiculous on the inside. It is not your fault, it is social conditioning, but being aware of it is important, this is a great video.

[@metasamsara]

>You wouldn't tell your boss "No" to any task even if you know it is ridiculous on the inside. The difference here is being a people pleaser is something you do because you fail to assert your boundaries, while not telling no to your boss is just respecting hierarchy. If your boss is abusing his role and being unreasonable, feel free to tell him no, the law is on your side.

[@Furchtfliege]

Sure I do. I don't do a definitive "no", because then I would not do what I am payed to do. But I do voice my concerns about certain tasks and say "I don't want to do this, because...". More often than not my boss says "Do it!" and I will. Sometimes though he sees what I am seeing. As mentioned in the video: Not everything is black and white and not every boss is only that. Some are real leaders and really try to do a good job.

[@gnarthdarkanen7464]

Sorry to burst this bubble, but actually, you are INCORRECT about that. Most of the time, due to hierarchy, a person tends to be agreeable to a boss's demands. BUT there are rarer instances when the boss is demanding something simply TOO ridiculous, obviously abusive of office... OR worse, as in my own case a couple of times, outright ILLEGAL... In which case, I heartily recommend not only a stern, "No, sir." but even the freedom to respond flat-out, "Go fuck yourself, sir." ...or even worse depending upon just how egregious the demand. The fact is, regardless of social climes or conditioning, we live in a society based on LAWS and RESPECT. The so-called "caving in" to demands over monetary gains absolutely must be weighed against the structure of that society and we individually must support it. This comes at a constant cost of personal responsibility. Regardless of a command or requirement, it is still the person receiving that command or requirement who must "pull the trigger" and commit to the deed itself. Otherwise, the courts asking "Why did you commit murder?" really CAN be answered with "I was just doing my job." OR perhaps, "Why did you commit MASS murder?" can be answered the same... ;o)

[@koolaidjerk]

Plenty of people would tell their boss no, or at least voice their concerns/opinion. Especially someone who has been there a long time and feels comfortable. The people-pleaser would just go along with it, being resentful or thinking the whole thing was stupid, the confident and authentic person would question it first. "Hey, I know you wanted me to do X but that seems redundant because of Y. I think working on Z would be a better use of our time." "I think this assignment would be better handled by ..." "I don't think X will add enough value for the amount of work it will take." "Can we postpone this assignment until after we finish X?" "We don't have the manpower to take on that project right now" All those responses are not only true to what you're thinking, but they are also more useful to the boss and company. Of course if your boss says "do it anyway" you would, but it's important to let them know your opinions. That's how you get noticed and demonstrate your worth. If you have suggestions on how things could be done better any sane boss would be thrilled to listen. If a project isn't worth doing for whatever reason, that's important information too.

[@DawidWarpas]

Your comment is wrong on so many levels that I'm actually not sure whether you're trolling or not.

[@MegamanStarforce2010]

I can see you've transitioned to genuineness rather than simple 'putting on an act' type of charisma. The change is great to see, I've been going through the same thing and this is helping immensely!

[@MrSmallANDLoud]

I became happy, after I stopped caring what other people thought of me. That doesnt mean you dont still try to be charismatic to gain respect, be a better person, etc. But you need to have grounding in who you are.

[@fredweeks9451]

word, just started to get to this point in my life, bliss isnt it haha

[@jaiyash0]

I’m an opposite of this personality and that doesn’t afford me a lot of friends. No problem with that, though! At least the friends that I do have are real 😄

[@akhaled4990]

I like how you do this all in one take, really shows that you're speaking from the heart and from pure experience. Props man, loving the content.

[@tiffanypersaud3518]

Anas Khaled, one take wonder.

[@JohnnyValmaggia]

We all know Charlie's only got one shirt, but the real question is: Does Charlie have legs?

[@shreyat7844]

😂 😂

[@ooooooo2967]

Obviously nOt😂

[@janeleonard985]

Lieutenant Dan! You got legs!

[@flicc2x769]

I believe he’s a centaur

[@historynerd7549]

😆🤣💀

[@chuyistheshiz6811]

Very happy to have found this channel.

[@beingpras]

This was really helpful video ! There is a thin line between being Charming and showing people pleasing behaviour.

[@NenaLavonne]

Such an important topic! Thanks for sharing!

[@Charismaoncommand]

~ Happy to share!

[@riyasharma-eq5lq]

Can you do a video on Rami Malek? I think he would be an interesting person since his charm and humor is quite different from most people and he has a unique body language and way of speaking. He's one of the most intriguing celebrities, I would love to see your analysis!

[@DoubleOhZ]

I feel like I'm really learning from your videos, because I was genuinely able to teach myself these tricks before this video came out!

[@amandagalloway1213]

This was one of the most original and useful techniques I’ve ever heard about understanding your own personality. Thanks.

[@mischake]

Your videos are always exactly about what I'm working on in my life and they give me a brilliant new way of looking at things.

[@Creative.w.color_]

Great content. I feel like this is spot on me. My anxiety makes me feel like I never want to disappoint someone by saying no even though my inside voice constantly tells me to put myself first. Thanks for the confirmation. ❤️

[@jacobsosa7229]

Like that you mentioned the convert contract. I discovered that concept from “No More Mr.Nice Guy”

[@themosquitomaster2181]

The Alice Cooper song?

[@Stophurtingmelol]

*Covert contract. Me too 😉

[@lynnmckenney1987]

@@themosquitomaster2181 no, it's an amazing book. Definitely worth checking out.

[@animetherapy2796]

Good book

[@janetmiller2160]

"covert" contract. like covert action. By mistake I first typed "overt" which means out in the open.

[@sweetlife343]

It's just amazing how you do this stuff in ONE shot!

[@myfriendcassie3551]

literally thinking the SAME THING! so impressive!

[@QuanticDreamer]

I have a real big problem with people pleasing. Thanks a million! This was really enlightening!!!! I have lots of communication difficulties in general, and your channel helps me a lot to understand stuff. Thanks for all your work!!!

[@bbqvocalist]

Uuhhhggg.......this hit close and hard. I'm in the autumn of my life and I'm *STILL* attempting to learn the difference between people pleasing and practicing kindness and treating people as I want to be treated. These videos are helping. For that I truly thank you.

[@A8Y9N]

People pleasing basically means being unnecessarily nice even if you dont want to

[@helishah6903]

I love this video, Charlie. It really opened my eyes and I realise I was once in that people pleasing mode but have worked out of it. I like making everyone feel comfortable around me and it's not specific to particular groups. But then sometimes I feel like I'm losing their respect in doing so...

[@charleswheaton4057]

Hey I just wanted to say thanks. For this video. This is something I've noticed about myself recently and had no clue where to start. Thanks for the first steps!

[@xxdarkknight420xx2]

Been waiting for a video like this

[@bobnavonvictorsteyn9017]

The four emotions segue is always so flawless and well executed

[@chadschmaltz9790]

Thank you for covering this topic.

[@TypicalUnderscore]

thank you for posting this video, I've been mismatching a lot

[@yaircohen9664]

That's exactly what I needed. Thanks Charlie

[@theworkingman5191]

This video is immensely helpful. Thank you!

[@obiverse]

You improved a lot in your personality in the past couple of years since i followed your videos, and looking at it i noticed how much i improved my self

[@neiltalbert7091]

Insightful. Good practical advice.

[@sidatphan3082]

Love your channel. And your experience. I wish i can just have enough hardwork just to watch a full video from your channel.

[@solomontan1619]

So incredible how he made this video all in one take

[@russglen3968]

thank you for all of your hard work I really had a feeling but you have confirmed and help me overcome. thanks again keep up the great and selfless work

[@romii642]

Thank you , that's really helpful . You're amazing ✨👌

[@ricardoneira2013]

I like how you organize your points

[@3rdBrother]

Hey charlie just wanted to say thanks for all the videos, they all helped me out with presentations, performance and even on videos in my channel. keep up the great job love from Jerusalem ✌😜

[@andrewboudreau5279]

I definitely needed this video

[@williamday3521]

Love this channel. I wish this sort of information was taught to people earlier in life. I wish I could of had this resource sooner. thanks

[@vladislavkaras491]

Thanks for the video! It is really revealed me some things!

[@bhaumikpandya3082]

Great content !! You are doing really awesome work !!

[@jrandall1131]

I find your videos engaging and informative. It broke my heart when you chose your mom to be the one to stay elsewhere. It's true they can cause stress sometimes, but I can't think of anyone more deserving of the opportunity to do so.

[@brinyabain]

Wow... this is so true 😬👀

[@vgamemaster99]

All of your videos are on point. 👌

[@kiriakizikou2447]

My inner voice was in mute for years so I felt lost in others' will. Then I was getting upset feeling betrayed after all this people pleasing. It's so nice you made a video for this!

[@osse1n]

*Needy* *Have bad self-esteem* *Zero awareness* *Work on yourself, by looking within and trying to master your mind. It will make your life miserable, if it has control over you.*

[@SNinjaQK]

you're on here too it seems

[@mommasboy34]

That's a BOLD statement

[@Silverburstnelson]

Thank you. Your videos really help me.

[@wilfredooooo]

All of your videos are great! I have to point out one thing in this one, specifically when you mentioned having consistent personality traits among all groups/situations you are in. Although true to an extent, it is well-known in psychology and sociology of the concept of different "social selves", where it is perfectly normal to show different aspects of our personality depending on the setting and the people we are around. It's a very interesting topic that would require more reading, but wanted to point that out! So don't feel like you are fake if you see yourself acting "different" in one social group vs. another, as long as you don't feel like you are not acting like yourself.

[@stevejohargy1224]

Perfect video I needed

[@sayyourmind1]

Thanks ever so much for this video.

[@DEDAStudios]

Damn this hit mega hard. Thanks for the advice man!

[@magnetlips]

this is a good one!

[@fahimrezwankhair7344]

Thank you. It was helpful.

[@ArtificialPerson]

Amazing 🙏 thank you for your advice 😄

[@sum_andres31]

Nice videos! Cant wait for got analysis for new season haha!

[@loiuseries4219]

Talk about giving value!! You would be a great mentor!! Amazing stuff!!!

[@salonyshah7790]

I feel attacked.. I needed this thank you!

[@Sheismypluggg]

Amazing video definitely a better perspective how to see everything

[@monke12354]

I've always had an inkling that I was a pure people pleaser in life and after taking it seriously for a moment (I've been really into self improvement the past few months) and watching a couple videos it's like so apparent that I'm ashamed of myself haha. I remember at times I'd question my own interests and ask myself "Did I actually like this thing or did I just want to like this thing to be accepted?" Many things ended up getting thrown out like videogames, books, music CDs, etc. because I figured out I actually didn't like them. Sometimes I've felt like I've said stuff too often while immediately feeling some internal conflict or guilt/regret that I've actually questioned if I even know what I actually like or what kind of person I really am. After watching another video it's apparent that it's come from experience with one of my parents. Thanks for making this video man, this is one of the first stepping stones in helping me figure out this issue with myself!

[@SideEffectsmusic]

So true. How I keep myself in abusive situations

[@speakofthedevil3216]

Yesterday in the middle of school I horrifically realized that I'm so used to doing this very thing that when my ears hear 'can I...', without my brain even catching up with the question or sometimes even letting the person finish the question I find that my mouth has already said 'Sure' and vice versa when my ears hear a person start a sentence with 'would you like...' or more likely 'Do you want...' my mouth is already saying 'No thanks' and more and more I find that not even a second later I look like a deer in headlights and regretting my answer because either 'no you absolutely cannot' or actually 'yes I would like some' but I feel way to embarrassed to actually correct myself

[@ailemasvega]

I didn't even realized that I was people pleasing until now. Thanks, really.

[@britbrithey]

Wow. Extremely useful video. Gotta get back in touch with that inner voice.

[@aurorap.7578]

I’m not as much as a people pleaser than I thought I was, thank you

[@viviwildsadventure]

People pleasing is such a big problem! Your videos are amazing!

[@Moop666]

Hey hottie

[@nikodowling1942]

You r awesome! I love how you chose to do something you guinuonuy like to do

[@zack4543]

Wish i could like this more than once. Its such a hard thing to overcome but this video seems like a great first step

[@leeclements323]

Great vid mate. Related to that a lot

[@Charismaoncommand]

~ Glad to hear it resonated with you!

[@annabee922]

I am a recovering codependent. As hard as this healing journey has been, I can't help but be amused at the people who rage at me when I actually say NO to them or don't do what they want me to do because they are so used to my people-pleasing ways..I've never been more flattered to be called an a-hole lol. Take your power back!!

[@chadschmaltz9790]

Best of luck in your journey to recovery.

[@annabee922]

@@chadschmaltz9790 Thank you!

[@simonoosthuizen184]

Love your channel

[@CreeperShorts]

Thank you Charlie. Amazing video! I unfortunitely noticed all these signs in me :((

[@AnthonyRecenello]

COC is my favorite! I love COC! You were such an inspiration that I made my own channel with video essays (and other dating stuff too) The last one I made was on Pete Davidson. I’m surprised you didn’t make one about him too! Anyway, hope yo connect in the future and meet you one day. -Anthony

[@andym0rand02]

Thank you sir!

[@omega6872]

Only legends know it was reuploaded

[@thatguyk.5306]

I am legend

[@alifarhat5193]

Facts

[@yannin.4700]

Dab

[@ArtificialPerson]

I was looking for this comment

[@AugustoXRock]

This is a kickass video Charlie, thanks! I foten see myself as a people pleaser and I got into a ton of stress because of it. I'll try to apply the three things you pointed out to see if the people around me will notice If I'm acting differently. I already had people around me saying that I've chnaged a lot in the spam of a year, maybe I can do that again for the better :D

[@alecubudulecu]

The second point. Covered contracts. This is something we all do in DAILY life. Sometimes it’s ok. Sometimes not. It’s VERY useful to start analyzing ourselves when we do it. Easy example is when we tell someone “I love you” mainly hoping to hear it back

[@andreay.s.escasa95]

This is so timely for me 😂😂😂 was about to start a WHOLE LOT of people pleasing 😂😂😂 thanks for the great videos they've helped a lot!

[@JazzJackrabbit]

Except when you are employed, you don't always get to say "no" without risking your job.

[@zsomborszanto5600]

I think only the most charismatic people can afford that, people that are born/on the way of becoming great leaders.

[@danielleo1227]

You can take a stand without being obstinate. Tact & grace. Sometimes even taking a stand on what is right is risky unfortunately. But hopefully your principled nature will serve you in the end.

[@GetGwapThisYear]

I find that "No" is okay, particularly if you offer an alternative. Provided you frame it correctly, your boss is likely to start asking your input on their ideas, rather than just implementing them.

[@Creed-lp4wj]

Well you can, say no and get the job that shows the respect you deserve

[@deepwoolds1354]

My friend learned something new from this video after I showed her and now hopefully she'll learn to stop being a people pleaser and make sure to take care of her well being first before automatically helping others.

[@firstnamelastname5950]

Just to add a different perspective. Some of those people could have been abused, not that anyone should fix another person. But if you were to engage, in general, it might add wisdom to what you might say or see. My parents just plain made me feel like crap for having my opinions, feelings or desires. When they weren't busy "dealing" with each other. So, especially one parent in particular, utilized guilt like a club; also loving to gaslight at any chance when I would be vulnerable. Being born and raised into it, is messy. I knew, I wanted to be NOTHING like them; so I did accidentally go polar opposet. Being "too nice" {heard that a lot} On top of it, at times people being "genuinely" kind, showing interest or honest towards me felt kinda like fire on my skin. Make my whole being clutch in fear. Perspective is getting somewhat better. Life can be confusing sometimes, for some of us. Keep strong!

[@urskavidensek2000]

Wow, yes.. nice explanation of everything

[@averageguy6242]

I love this channel

[@mariammaslouhi2543]

I love it!

[@metheyoshi]

Wow thanks for the phrase if I knew that ‘’ would handle it beautifully I would ..

[@knivesinmediaog]

This is good stuff

[@hermesdavi8406]

Thank you for the video

[@Charismaoncommand]

~ Our pleasure!

[@ebbyc1817]

Your videos are amazing. Thank you.

[@Charismaoncommand]

~ Glad you're liking them!

[@Assoumy87]

Great video ❤👌 Thanks a lot Greeting from Morocco