How To Put Yourself First Without Feeling Guilty - Nick Pollard

[@ChrisWillx]

Hello you savages. Get my free Reading List of 100 life-changing books here - chriswillx.com/books/ Here's the timestamps: 00:00 The Trap of People-Pleasing 11:24 Learning to Be Honest With Yourself 17:18 Why People-Pleasers Struggle to Find Joy 22:02 The Cost of Being a People-Pleaser 26:55 When Does Being Considerate Go Too Far? 29:34 How Men & Women People-Please 40:02 Why People Struggle to Advocate for Their Needs 55:37 First Steps to Correcting People-Pleasing 1:05:21 Biggest Misconceptions About Boundaries 1:18:14 Maintaining the Boundaries You Set 1:22:43 How Sensitive People Can Be More Assertive 1:31:09 The Guilt of Choosing Yourself Over Others 1:43:51 The Role of Triggers in People-Pleasing 1:47:35 When to Give Up on Someone 1:50:37 Highly Successful People-Pleasers 2:01:38 Impactful Books for People-Pleasers 2:05:15 Where to Find Nick

[@peopledispleaser]

I was honored to be a guest, Chris! Thank you for having me.

[@downscreen129103]

As a former people pleaser one thing I have noticed is that you will get a HUGE push back from some people in your life when you finally decide to create boundaries or learn to say no. That was the hardest part about it, for me at least. The good thing is as you get older you just don't GAF anymore, so it gets easier to implement.

[@gabriellamclellan1102]

Spot on..💯👍

[@Valley_West]

I lost my 2 girl friends. When all I did was back off how much I put into the relationship & realized how one sided it was. Two yrs later. One apologized & we are slowly trying again. The other i haven't heard from for 2 yrs. Now family aka mother & mother in law. That's a different story. 😭🤣💀

[@polysaturated]

This isn’t too dissimilar from people who get sober (or lose weight) where some people in their life try to drag them back down. You gotta leave those people behind.

[@tinamara1160]

Yes! it triggers the shame and gets u to question your decision again! Have to resist that strong shame

[@MuhsinAshimi-gc4so]

Totally unrelated but you could see how Chris's face lit up when Nick thanked him at the end. It's Nice that two guys can be so genuine!

[@lpzolob8365]

I think the bigger learning of this episode is that you need your own vision for your life and healthy set of goals (work, physical, spiritual, rest, etc). Lock in. Once you've done that, then you can please others and displease others with much more intent and clarity. Otherwise, you just dragged along in other people's lives, problems, needs etc. It becomes your default and you lose your way as a result.

[@goldilocks913]

This is the biggest thing! I realised it in an early morning epiphany that I didn’t know what I wanted to do if I wasn’t dragged around by my gf’s routine and wishes .And the saddest thing was l had done it to myself. Understanding my life is as precious as everyone else’s was key- maybe more so because other people have no idea how precious it is. 👍

[@Dank_Lulu]

I think I now understand better why I love adult art so deeply. It's the one thing in my life I picked for myself because I liked it. And it's quite liberating to know that if someone trash-talks what I like that we don't have to be friends!

[@NarcSurvivor]

You may have been conditioned by your parents to abandon yourself and please others. Your parents may have been well-meaning or people pleasers themselves, or they may have been narcissistic. Either way, this childhood conditioning sets us up to put others first, at the expense of ourselves. To stop being a people pleaser you need to take a leaf out of the narcissist’s book. Become a little bit more narcissistic. Focus on your own wants, needs, desires, goals, and ambitions a bit more. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries or say no.

[@Doberman_6773]

Agree 100%; large numbers of people spend the first 18 years of their lives (the 'formative' years) being conditioned to be people-pleasers.

[@Superdisco199]

There was a really good podcast a while ago about depression, and they said that alot of it came down to a broken "inner wanter". I know a lot of very happy narcissists who see life as a big candy store and alot of people on the other end of the spectrum who haven't had a holiday in 15 years because they can only see things like responsibility or guilt.

[@CarolCarolDoddDodd]

And Chris is right on being compelled to do the action. It’s not that we want to say yes, but that we just absolutely don’t want to hurt their feelings so much, we can’t say no. That’s not me anymore, but it was me for most of my life.

[@philipcallado5693]

This episode came at the perfect time. I’ve been wanting to quit my job for some time, but I’ve been afraid to because I don’t want to let people down. But I’ve realized not being true to myself is more important than how other people feel.

[@MrStolenpictures]

What a way to start the year, this is exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks fellas, great discussion.

[@KenaiPaani]

idky its so insanely wild to me that this video is how I found out im a people pleaser, but not only that, this video has been the eye opener to what I've been feeling in my gut and asking myself how to turn it around. Im 75% through the episode and it has completely warped my reality from what I thought was just life and a matter of fact to understanding that its not exactly normal/healthy to be this way. What an amazing episode

[@joshuaacosta6823]

Same here. When they talked about the part of as a kid being a caretaker. It hit home and I didn’t even know that it was unconsciously embedded into me from childhood. Probably need the 4 stages to truly understand why and how, and how to deal with it.

[@charlesnardi5750]

This is tremendously helpful- I heard something the other day but can’t remember where; the idea was something like being a ‘buyer’ vs the ‘seller.’ People pleasing might be something like living in a perpetual state of trying to ‘sell’ oneself. Approaching things as if buying, not selling, is a bizarrely different thing. Kind of like going to a job interview, but with the perspective that you would be a valuable asset, questioning if the company is worth it for you, rather than trying to convince the company that you are worth it.

[@grahamvandyke]

This podcast just made it click for me that since I grew up with an abusive (at the time) mother who had a QUICK fuse to explosive anger, even if just trying to advocate for myself or ask for something, caused me to be extremely scared to ever try to advocate for myself as an adult.

[@deluxeassortment]

Absolutely hands down the most helpful and personally relatable podcast episode on personal growth I have ever listened to. Thanks Nick and thanks Chris for having Nick on. I cried. I was screaming inside. I booked a call with Nick. I'm all in. Thank you so much!

[@chenaevanniekerk]

Phenomenal episode and a slow walk walkthrough of the change in my perspective over last 4-5 years and confirmed my gut feeling. So grateful to have watched this episode to find further peace with what I have hoped are the right decisions. It all makes so much more sense so thank you Chris and Nick. Stellar

[@resiliencecounsellingcoach1870]

Fawning is a recognised stress response, along with fight, flight & freeze

[@wrxman16]

Nick has helped me change my life. Thank you for all the free help on ig etc..... I've slowly taken back control of my decisions and life overall.

[@Yuukirai]

This episode just feels so real. I always have my doubts on anything I see, especially on the internet but when the things described hit so close to ones own life experience, the realness just punches you in the face.

[@drivenafrecovery7480]

I Love Modern Wisdom as a whole and really, truly enjoyed this episode and learned some very useful wisdom to take with me and implement in my life. Appreciate you Chris and all your guests.

[@ATthunder11]

This was a difficult episode for me, thank you Chris and thank you Nick. Needed this one written in stone for reference. God bless!

[@flops314]

I'm going to have to watch this several times to let it sink in. This is one trait I don't want to waste anymore life on.

[@meiamba05]

Nick, you did a great job! I appreciate the authenticity and vulnerability. I’ve learned a lot from this podcast. Thank you very much!

[@JackSaturday-y1z]

While listening to you both chat a sentence arose for me to explore the truth of: "They have something I need from them in order to feel content with myself." Thank you for this investigation into raw functioning.

[@Sub0Kate]

I think people pleasing and being bullied as a child have a huge correlation.

[@mead-wf1xu]

I totally agree. Struggled with it my entire life.

[@francesbeth2077]

Yes, I don't like confrontation. I like peace. I dont want to let someone down. The best way to break this habit is watching people who just dont care beyond their small circle and put their needs before their own. I need to learn this method.

[@armywhammer-dc9qk]

As someone who has never pleased anyone but myself, I have learned a lot from this video

[@godswatching2863]

I've been a people pleaser for so long it's hard to break the habit I was raised in a home by a mother that was like a drill instructor. I didn't even know I could say no when I was younger

[@Carpe-Diem-gg1hg]

Dude I took a break from modern wisdom for a holiday cus I wanna regress to being unaware temporarily and now I can't keep up with Chris's upload schedule. Cus I watch it 2 or 3 times to really understand the lesson but Chris uploads 3 times a week and that's a lot of Chris.

[@onthewall425]

This is the only podcast that I dont mind when a guest is remote, the production quality is on par. Thanks Chris!

[@luisrobles5906]

Very relatable episode! For me I reached a tipping point where it was just too stressful to please others.

[@spfcrod]

Heard this on Spotify. Thanks for this. Have so much in common with Pollard. Identified myself almost the whole podcast. I've been trying to change a little bit last 2 years, trough terapy also. And this has great insights on it.

[@chriscurley6571]

Hi Chris, I can’t believe how much the latter part of your video, where you spoke about algorithms, has struck a chord with me. Recently, I’ve been through a lot-it’s felt like a war at times-and I happened to stumble across your podcast. I was absolutely blown away by your intellect, diligence, and the depth of thought you bring to your conversations. Thank you so much for creating content like this. It’s rare to find something that resonates so deeply and feels like it arrives at exactly the right time. Your work is truly appreciated.

[@mattanderson6672]

Fantastic discussion Excellent analysis I always love listening to you Thank You Gentlemen

[@Xalord7]

We can’t advocate for our own needs because a habit of thought was deeply formed in childhood to keep the adults ok so we WOULD be able to survive. The trick is to hand that s**it back to mom and dad. Everyone is grown now. ACA rocks at this!!! ❤❤

[@muhammadjfp]

Appreciate you Chris, pleasing people has always looked like cancer to me, it has roots in what you cannot know with mere intelligence, but fighting it is so fulfilling and makes me feel rigorous and proud. Sometimes I think that our only purpose in life is to just coordinate our behavior like that is my top goal in pursuing living a happy life.

[@cajkobonaparte]

I cant describe my joy listening to this conversation. Thank you.

[@benstanfill363]

While I learned to say no some time ago, hearing the phrase about your yes meaning more if you say no was eye opening. I saw people do things they didn’t want to do, or they wouldn’t say something because someone might not like it and the whole time all I could think was “just say no” or “just say what you think”. Sometimes people won’t like it, but it’s better than being fake, and those that stick around for the real you are the best people to have in your life.

[@DaniShugs]

This was the best lesson I could've heard at the beginning of 2025. I listened to the podcast on Apple and am now watching and sharing the video.

[@articulatethought2932]

Sir, I hesitate to even comment, but there are so many things that are absolutely spot on with this, and it hurt to hear, but it's true, and I hate that it is, but I thankful to hear someone say it. The funny thing is that I started thinking about this months ago, and I watched this about a week ago. I've been playing catch-up. The first episode I "watched" or listened to, since I drive for a living, was with Dwayne for Dry Creek, I've been hooked since. This program is so good. I have been struggling to push myself back into exercise and doing the things I need to do. Knowing that the journey is going to be very arduous makes it more difficult, I think, because when I was younger, I shed the weight off and kept it off and felt amazing up to the point I got injured in the Army. That's what I get for trying to play a young man's game. I say that because I was 30 going in the Army as an infantryman. Now, a couple years over 40, I have had a tough time getting myself back in kind of exercise, making better choices in the foods I consume, how I spend my time outside of work. I have a family to take care of and a bit of a unique situation with that, that I feel I have to put myself at the bottom of the totem pole, which in stupid, but I have put everything in front of me. I am very slowly making a little progress with it, but I realized how big of a mess it really is. I am surrounded by people, but feel like I am doing this alone, because I don't want to ask for help, I do not like upsetting my wife, and I am trying to figure how not to tip the balance over to being an asshole in lieu of being a people pleaser. I also realized how quick that anger can come out. Usually, when I drive, a lot of drivers are shit. I don't want to be that angry fucking guy, I have fought enough, and yet I am fighting myself. I have been trying to use the mind to heal the mind, which I think was in a more recent show. I have been noticing there some patterns in every show that discuss topics like this. Thank you for an amazing program. I appreciate all the work you have put into bringing these discussions to all of us.

[@euchiron]

In the spectrum of Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn my default is Freeze. Now I only look like I freeze while I go hypervigilant and I listen and take in everything I can. It didn't stop me from being a people pleaser. Watching a silent family meltdown while I was closeted and terrified of everyone, family or not, put me in a pretty broken place for a while. Nobody chose my actions for me but where I came from left me seriously messed up. Being gay was a serious wrench in the works of an already warped reality. I tend toward agreeableness but I have often dumped my self-esteem into being more so than I tend to. It's not a good place and it's just not worth it.

[@cynansharpley]

This is a truly phenomenal episode. Well done Chris and Nick for putting this together.

[@anthony.sobrightie]

1:13:20 “ when somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time. “ Maya Angelou

[@cor3944]

It was a really deep interview and brutal honest. Thank you!

[@raselhasan430]

The best modest and stoic podcasts I've enjoyed. Thank you guys. God bless you 🙏

[@JulesK6]

What great questions and what great answers!! Thanks for the conversation guys

[@lemmyrocker6209]

Awsome Ep CW and NP - TY!!!!Loved it!!!!

[@ME3WarrantyVoider]

I love how hes almost exploding in happyness when talking! You can see how he tries to hold back alot of times :D

[@Stoic_Poet]

who? Chris?

[@ME3WarrantyVoider]

@@Stoic_Poet no I mean Nick, mostly towards the end. Chris is just super as always :D

[@johnokidneys]

i really liked this one, thank you for this one chris and nick

[@chrisshaw4632]

This was such a great conversation, pretty eye opening for me to recognise some of the behaviours that were listed resonated with me.

[@solomondavid9811]

6:13 I relate to what he just said so much. So glad for raised awareness on this.

[@ragstoriches919]

Most helpful video for me ever. Thank you so much.

[@8PurpleSquirrels]

“The only lives that truly matter are those who respect the lives of others“.

[@ldkbudda4176]

100%

[@kandacepereira795]

I relate to him on so many levels. This is a very useful video

[@lisam9866]

Powerful discussion, for males AND females. Thank you! ☮️❤️🌞

[@kellyrachel35]

Yea, I'm definitely just agreeable.

[@Richard_Albrecht]

I agree

[@evanbrooks8737]

Same. It’s mostly cuz I feel like most conflicts aren’t worth it.

[@jerelfoster1187]

Education just keeps getting better. Thank you.

[@ashes_no]

This may just be my favorite episode yet.

[@TimeSkip-Chapters]

⏱️ Timestamps by TimeSkip ⏱️ 00:00:00 - Introduction to People Pleasing 00:03:16 - Childhood Influences on Behavior 00:09:35 - The Importance of Saying No 00:14:01 - Play and Self-Invention 00:17:23 - Finding Joy Amidst People Pleasing 00:21:29 - Struggling with Joy and Celebration 00:26:55 - Distinguishing Generosity from Pleasing 00:31:25 - Shame and Masculinity 00:38:45 - Navigating Male Emotions 00:42:40 - Understanding People-Pleasing Patterns 00:46:32 - Identifying Personal Opinions 00:55:51 - Emotional Awareness and Reflection 01:00:03 - Curiosity Over Cure 01:05:18 - Understanding Boundaries 01:08:42 - Creating a Bill of Rights 01:17:51 - Maintaining Boundaries Over Time 01:21:30 - Daily Mindfulness Practices 01:25:11 - Breathing Techniques for Resetting 01:31:09 - Navigating Guilt and Self-Choice 01:38:25 - Loneliness and Personal Growth 01:42:07 - Understanding Self-Worth 01:46:22 - Responsibility for Triggers 01:51:42 - Challenges of People-Pleasing 01:58:50 - The Importance of Authenticity 02:02:31 - Impactful Books for Growth 02:06:02 - KZbin Algorithm Insights

[@Gailey379]

People pleasing is often learned in early childhood, dysfunctional homes.

[@RinamaCurace]

Great conversation. Thank you!

[@amandaleerobertson5674]

I really appreciate this video and the vulnerability demonstrated. Recently realizing I need to steer a bit differently. Working on it. Side note...it is dangerous to listen to you two while working out!

[@resiliencecounsellingcoach1870]

Fawning is a recognised stress response along with flight, fright, fight

[@Mark-yb1sp]

This has helped me so much. I NOW understand.

[@aaronlopes5307]

Banger to kick off 2025 🔥

[@mauriciobori]

I love nick nice! Thanks for the episode! ❤❤❤

[@silvermoonuk]

Great video. I am a people pleaser. I'm trying to learn how to be more assertive and insert boundaries but it is a very slow process. People pleasing is sadly a toxic trait. Obviously, no one wants to admit it's a toxic trait to but sadly it is. 😪

[@melglobes]

2 favorites. Real conversation ❤❤

[@BabsScott]

Care takers, people pleasers, addictions of all sorts, etc most fall into codependency. And it’s how they navigate life to survive due to dysfunctional upbringing and/or traumas . There’s a twelve step program for anything these days.

[@BabsScott]

And people pleasers are really good at looking all together and telling others how to fix their life

[@ChrisHops22]

Chris letting us in on his therapy session

[@kagisowealthmoseki5100]

People pleasing is the biggest form of self sabotage

[@cyberbird8683]

What an episode ! 😮 Great conversation

[@flowmovementtherapy2096]

This tracks. Last people pleaser I dated didn't ever have anything to talk about because he was only ever interested in making others happy and didn't know himself at all. Deeply insecure but went to great lengths to hide it. Always had the Sunday Scaries because he never got to fully rest on the weekends. My greatest wish for him is to get to know himself, what he likes, what his needs are, and how to say no. The whole time we dated I had a niggling sense that I couldn't trust him. It's because I couldn't trust his yes or no. He also had no friends and couldn't explain why.

[@Sub0Kate]

I had a similar experience. When I met him, he had a deep southern drawl and liked woodworking. 4 months later he talked like Michael Jackson and liked musical theatre. Figure out who you are and just be yourself people.

[@Burnenwhysee]

This episode was huge for me.

[@erikgalvan152]

Great episode!

[@davepenny1199]

Lots of good things in this conversation... loads! One of the pull the car over to the side of the road moments....what reflecting and also asking myself what is - a bill of rights.... And the point about boundaries and how they work is definitely one definition...in that it's not about other people can and can't do around me. .... Not telling one how to play the game. But what game we are playing and these are the boundaries "rules" that define how one can play within the game. Eg in soccer you can't pick up and run with the ball without getting penalized. But in rugby you can. So it's not an absolute right or wrong thing. But defining what game we are playing and how that is governed

[@donnieowens6656]

Since it seems people pleaser is based out of insecurity, it it seems fair to suggest that by serving others and meeting their their needs they are creating evidence to demonstrate their own internal value to others and themselves. If a people pleaser was to advocate for their own needs that would increase the internal voices of insecurity and not being enough..not worthy as well as having to face their fears of being rejected by others because if they are in “need” they are no longer of value to others. As the cycle progresses it provides more and more effective that it is a worthwhile trade off..minimizing and overlooking needs for the “ultimate payoff” validation and acceptance of others….it becomes well worth the price.

[@angelacacace3705]

This is so profound! And honestly just eye-opening...Thank you for this video!

[@MoparPhil]

Id love to inform you of your pondering Nick,i believe youre actually talking to God. Its difficult for me to Let Go and Let God as well. Ive always been introspective as well but it came in useful when i got Floxxed from antibiotics and had to wrestle with my own mind while my body was tearing itself apart at a time it was hardly known about in the medical field and everyone i trusted in didnt believe it was either. Almost 10 yrs later they still hardly cant believe i went from being so athletic,healthy and happy to a manic tryhard,sick and depressed of my situation. It took me alot to come back to God after feeling I got so screwed just from trying to get over a cold. At this point im realizing,Everything is Everything. Things are gonna happen,good and bad. The seas cant always be high and the sun will shine again. Keep your head up ol son. Ill try the same

[@CaptainManic2010]

FIGHT FLIGHT FREEZE AND FAWN. People pleasing is a form of Fawning. Loving people into Loving you into safety. Often due to trauma.

[@nickk9499]

some good man talk boyz cheers

[@gobabawonan2199]

I rarely manage to please people

[@realsatoshihashimoto]

Sometimes the harder you try to please people the more you put other people offside. As the old saying goes, "you can't please everyone." I've also learned that no matter what you do (or don't do for that matter) you'll still be criticised. So may as well do whatever pleases you!

[@avaceleste]

If you can’t trust their no, you can’t trust their yes. Powerful. Who did you say told you this? Would like to look him up.

[@acceleratedtrainingacademy]

Great video

[@boigarashi7473]

Genuine question - Do some people actually have a problem being too selfless? My experience has been that most people (99%) are self-serving. Trying hard not to be skeptical rn. Would love to from y'all about this.

[@jaredmello]

Many people consider themselves selfless but they actually aren’t. Being “selfless” is actually their way of getting their needs met.

[@AnthonyJGianotti]

What an interesting guy and conversation.

[@makelifematter1896]

😅😅😅😅the end I love you 2..thank you ❤❤

[@deluxeassortment]

I'm most definitely people pleaser and I'm tired af. Thankfully, at least my personal time isn't invaded because I also have pathological demand disorder.

[@dvonders8469]

Hey thanks!

[@bumpupsapp]

Hey Everyone 🤠 Find the parts that interest you: 0:00 - Introduction to people pleasing trap 1:00 - You can want better without self-hate 5:00 - Signs you might be a people pleaser 9:43 - Seven-day challenge to say no 12:10 - People pleasers struggle with authenticity 14:01 - Importance of play for self-invention 18:35 - Overview of training programs 20:06 - Struggles with experiencing joy 24:01 - Consequences of being a people pleaser 28:37 - Recognizing resentment in the body 30:12 - Differences in people pleasing by gender 38:16 - Way markers for men and women 40:49 - Fear of rejection feels like abandonment 48:01 - Disconnect from successes and praise 52:57 - Beautiful parts don't die with toxic traits 1:00:03 - Learning to sit in your emotions 1:06:00 - Boundaries define your value system 1:09:01 - Understanding your personal Bill of Rights 1:15:47 - Falling in love with potential, not reality 1:19:50 - Read your boundaries daily for reinforcement 1:24:56 - Reset your nervous system with deep breathing 1:27:00 - Take two seconds before responding 1:31:02 - Is it guilt or just discomfort? 1:35:26 - The loneliness of prioritizing yourself 1:36:58 - Finding freedom in loneliness 1:41:34 - Self-worth and self-trust explained 1:44:56 - Understanding childhood trauma triggers 1:51:15 - Challenges of successful people pleasers 1:55:51 - Following leaders with faith 1:59:13 - Be yourself to receive love Chat with videos via Bumpups 🌲

[@astatine0085]

Interesting topic; WSJ just posted ‘U.S. Surgeon General Calls for Cancer Warnings on Alcoholic Beverages’

[@kylekermgard]

Small world. I haven't seen Nick in years

[@matiaschaparro823]

China Miéville was great on this Podcast

[@posterestantejames]

Oh boy did I need to hear this! Thank you Chris!!

[@ladnebulavideos]

Lads, do you think I'm a people pleaser when I do these things they talk about but only with people I really like? watcha all think?

[@en.4392]

He’s got a relaxed borrows

[@conorthompson943]

53 mins (note to self)

[@thewineguy248]

Hey Chris don’t take me wrong but this guest is quite not at your level. Next time just book the guy to have a therapy session with you. Just managed to get 50min. Learned nothing, zero good insight, just calling himself a piece of shit. I need he needs some serious help. Keep up the amazing work

[@simxcenter]

making millions of dollars and being cool on screen are the two things you should never aspire to be, especially when it involves lying about your figure to all your clients 1:00

[@Agent-hc7mn]

1:16:00

[@CarolCarolDoddDodd]

I’m not sure he’s the exact kind of people pleaser that I know because the people pleasers I know we’re super popular. They’ve been like the most popular people their whole lives and have tons of friends that’s why your calendar is super full so on that part I kind of disagree. And Chris is right you’re compelled to do it because you so want to make the other person happy-- not that you want to say yes, but you just can’t say no .

[@WORKOUTSOLUTIONS]

✝HAPPY NEW YEAR ✝ ❤🔥✝GOD GIVES US STRENGTH 🙏🚀