How to Support Harm Doers in Being Accountable

[@kittylvithn]

The idea that we cannot hold people accountable, that being accountable is a process people enter into... Is really powerful and something I will be chewing on for a long time. We can use tactics such as public shaming / protest to hold institutions accountable, but this tactic is not always safe or effective for interpersonal accountability. While we can certainly take steps towards holding someone accountable (primarily, naming the harm, asking for accountability & forming support networks to begin setting up a process)... we can't really force it to happen, and if we do - how effective and transformative is that process?

[@makedaboone7216]

You dont have to force it...We just have to stop suppressing Newton's 3rd Law... Then social balance and harmony will proceed...

[@gabetalks9275]

I'm so sick of our culture dehumanizing and shunning harm doers from society, and committing to never, ever forgive them. How is anyone supposed to take accountability when we actively make accountability so much more terrifying than it needs to be? The way the culture handles accountability, we're making it harder for harm doers to take accountability because we're putting them in a situation where they put their emotional and psychological barriers up, and then we shame them for "running away." But even if you do take accountability, you still get shamed for "lying," "manipulating," and "damage controlling." No matter you do, you're forever hated and condemned forever with no hope of change or a future. You're now less than human. Just a monster. Oh, how I wish all people treated accountability the way you all do.

[@kevinfrench9720]

Abusers don't deserve forgiveness, but they do deserve material and mental health support from people unrelated to the trauma that they caused

[@kevinfrench9720]

Forgiveness is not owed or deserved, but I understand how it is hard for abusers to fully hold accountability when they fear abandonment from other people in their life that they haven't personally harmed, as well as the fear of material harm that will happen especially job loss

[@gabetalks9275]

@@kevinfrench9720 Society thinks accountability is outcasting harm doers and leaving them to rot, forever alone, but how is anyone supposed to be able to change if they are treated as less than human? They need people to walk with them through their growth. You're right. Forgiveness isn't deserved. It's earned. But very rarely are they ever truly given the chance to repent and earn forgiveness because any effort they make it automatically invalided. Do you know what it feels like to want to atone and do good to make up for your mistakes, but have every genuine effort you make shamed upon as just another evil plot? What reason or motivation will harm doers have to actually change then? They'll just go back to abusive coping mechanisms and straight up abandon their humanity all together.

[@linkwarior5]

@@gabetalks9275 yup well some people seem to only build that trust up again to actually do another 'evil plot', from my experience unfortunately. when someone abuses every effort at reconciliation or restorative justice instead of just expelling them from a group or organization where the harm was committed, then the harm doer gets off scot free because there's some people who just don't care

[@Starfolife]

@@gabetalks9275 wel said!!! This resonates so deeply.

[@neskebeks]

So healing just listening to y'all. Thank you so so so much.

[@justinehecht1197]

There's a lot of harm circling in my community right now, really needed this, thank you

[@bloodandsprinkles]

I work with DV abusers and SO's and this was INCREDIBLY helpful.

[@anitarodriguez6717]

This was absolutely wonderful, deeply informative and helpful.

[@InvitationtoAmy]

This is the best thing I have seen. You are all incredible

[@TheBlahblah86]

Makes me think that simply invalidating ones pain causes a backfire effect anytime someone tries to correct the patients' behaviors.

[@inbalamit-palombo6125]

Love this. Are there transcripts for this series?

[@np4541]

Man, I wish I'd had this video a couple years ago. Do you think there comes a point when it is too late to go back and check in with that harmful person/make amends? They never admitted to their wrongdoings and I was too scared to confront them about it; our friends just cut ties with the person and they retreated, then found new friends. And it all felt wrong, but I didn't know what else to do. This video is really helpful for that, should it ever come up again. Thanks

[@hannewb]

it's never too late to check in !!!

[@TheLordgene]

No, never too late, no matter how strange it gets. If you are willing to be vulnerable to making it happen, accountability can be beautiful and liberating and reconciling and good

[@kevinfrench9720]

The victim does not owe their abuser forgiveness and the abuser needs to hold accountability only with the assistance of someone who hasn't been personally harmed

[@gabetalks9275]

@@kevinfrench9720 Every victims heals in different ways. If confronting her victim will help her, then let her. If she wants to forgive him, then let her. That's just her way of letting go, and it's transformative for some.

[@Ninsidhe]

@@kevinfrench9720 *absolutely this*- putting the responsibility for this process *onto the victim* is completely harmful in and of itself. "forgiveness' is NOT healthy in a lot of situations and should not be required of ANY victim, even if the harm doer has 'repented'- let the victim go through their OWN process, which may or may not involve 'forgiveness'.

[@badger1296]

Great video🎉

[@hamptonkashikyri4404]

~^< ❤ >^~ and ~^< ❤ >^~ WE ARE THE SANCTUARY, THE HEALING PLACE..

[@JaneSiberryOfficial]

such intelligence.

[@JenTheulen84]

🙌🏾

[@frederiquedesrosiers2946]

Is there a transcript of this video I can access?

[@hauntednokia]

I'll write one out for you if you'd like, it would help me too.

[@Argulas]

@@hauntednokia If this exists in the meantime, I'd be very interested in it!

[@malaikitamin]

I love this Video. Thank you. Can you please work with the entire american police force?

[@lauramarieriver]

I really like these ideas but could use more concrete examples. how to support without getting sucked in seems almost impossible. the loyalties are so tricky. checking in is good, but befriending people who harm can be such a mess. cancel culture is what I think of here. I want a world where we can acknowledge that everyone harms, and we all have reasons for that, but some harm way more than others. we need advanced emotional, communication, and relationship skills, for everyone, not just radicals and progressive abolitionist people. there are these tired phrases I hear over and over, that people are hiding behind. this video, these people say things that seem fresh and real. I can think of glossy magazine success stories of transformative justice and healing. but in my own experience, I'm familiar with chasing our tails in a circle stuck in whacked power situations where there's a bully who bullies a bully, and where do we even begin. who can we trust, and what can we trust? I'm grateful that people are talking about it and working on it. but truth feels so rare. critical thinking skills are too rare, and so many people just disappear rather than having a difficult conversation. I love the idea of transformation as one way--we can't go back to what we did before. feels like hope.

[@GoddessInTheMaking]

I would love for this to take into account the actual IMPACT of the harm done, and WHO is responsible for holding them accountable. For example, the actual IMPACT of white supremacy is extremely much more harmful than the impact of any other group of people, throughout history and across the entire globe. Being “loving” and “gentle” with those supporting this kind of extreme violence seems inappropriate and an opportunity for those harm doers to manipulate their consequences to me. There needs to be severe consequences and comprehensive justice in those situations, and a SMALL amount of care and compassion.

[@TheShellThatIsYou]

This is so well said. There are absolutely instances where compassion and sympathy are not needed and shouldn't be used at all. Thank you for sharing your words.

[@KM-pm6qe]

Actually look into stories about people who do deradicalization. Successful deradicalization really is this. You’re not wrong that there are times when self-defense is necessary, but this is not about supporting the violence, it is about assisting the violator in stopping their violent behavior. They do have to want to engage at that level. I agree also there is opportunity for manipulation, so good judgment and I assume extensive training would be necessary on the part of the facilitator. Sorry for replying on such an old comment, hope it doesn’t disturb you.

[@kevinfrench9720]

Thank you, the actual victims do not need to be forced to hold their abusers accountable especially victims of racist or sexual violence, accountability needs to be willingly held by the abuser and people who have been subjected to the same trauma do not owe them the emotional labor

[@KM-pm6qe]

@@kevinfrench9720 You’re right, but I don’t believe this protocol is meant to be performed by the victims, but rather by highly trained intervention specialists. Nor does it mean that the harm doer is given any immunity from legal or other social consequences. It only means that the harm doer is offered a path to a kind of personal redemption that comes with a psychological acceptance of responsibility for the harm they did. It won’t work with everyone, but I don’t think there’s anyone qualified to say with certainty who will or won’t respond without trying. The cost is potentially some wasted time and effort; the payoff to society is potentially a better functioning, less dangerous person.

[@designergrl59]

If a person fits the description of a Narcissist, from what I have learned, they Cannot be helped or heal. That they are simply Wired differently. This theory made me both Relieved (I had tried for sooo long to help my Love !) and sad...because I Want him to be happy !

[@PinkElfHSP]

Check out the channel Mental Healness. This narcissist made the rare choice to get help and to change. It has to be their decision, though.

[@Adaruan]

Ho boi, this is so going to be so used to blame a lot of victims. How about you stress a bit more that all of this is not the victims responsibility ? Like the whole "Give them room, give them time, keep a relation, be empathetic" is absolute bullshit and is gold for every narcissist to show their victims.

[@linkwarior5]

big agree. currently experiencing this right now and it's destroying our organization.

[@ChannelSettingsTvcode]

This video is about harm doers who are interested in being accountable. If the harm doer is not in touch with the reality of their harm, this video does not apply.

[@Overthetop242]

So much of IPV is Cluster B related, and those mental health problems are way beyond a community tribunal. Narcissists are masters at manipulation and can invent a crack in the wall to slither through where none exists. BPD often needs special long term care, and sociopaths often just don’t give a sh’t. Even discerning personality disorders is not easy. There are no easy answers to this. Sexual violence and PTSD crosses over into another dimension of sorts that exists outside of our realm of reasonable human experience. The best we can do, is to keep on doing the best we can do… this discussion moves us in that evolving direction. Thank you.