How Victims Soothe Themselves After Narcissistic Abuse (NEW VIDEO + Compilation)

LIES that victims tell themselves:
I was chosen for my qualities (truth: you were chosen for the 4 Ss)
The narcissist was obsessed with me (nope, obsessed with the shared fantasy - you were fungible, a thing, a commodity, a puff of smoke)
The best revenge is to have a good life, it will drive the narcissist insane
The narcissist keeps obsessing about me (only for revenge or hoovering - or in order to pose as a victim and attract new “mothers” into the shared fantasy)
The narcissist regrets having lost me (this was the aim of the whole exercise: separation-individuation)
I did nothing to deserve this and I have contributed nothing to this happening (splitting: narcissist all bad, I am all good or innocent)
I have learned so much and this experience has taught me a lesson
Therapy will empower me, heal me, and set me free (taking action will)
 
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[@osage2139]

It is very odd since breaking up with narcissist type my appetite has returned and my anxiety has subsided.

[@terryhutchings7701]

In my mind, you know you are healed when you don’t care one way or another what happens to them. Indifference is key. Therapy is a must if you do not want to keep repeating the same pattern. When I had two back to back narcissistic relationships, I knew I was part of the problem. What is wrong with me that I would allow myself to be so disrespected. It’s been a two year journey to make peace with my past and myself.

[@spiritualone1]

When I didn’t know what was going on and I was devastated I self soothed by drinking alcohol which in turn I was harming and killing myself. I didn’t know what to do or who to talk to. NC for a year. My health has suffered immensely. Slowly Healing while he still stalks me. Fake profiles- etc. He’s blocked. He’s the past and I will never ever go back. He always used to say I control you. Wrong !!! I Win- You Lose.

[@alexpeppa1750]

I never denied my own responsibility in this ("it takes two for a tango"), yet I am still angry with myself for cooparating with the narcissist. Thank you so much Dr. Vaknin for this video as well, for putting some things in order and clearly. You have helped me tremendously in my lonely healing journey (or, should I say "reconstructing" journey) God bless you.

[@susieroberts9745]

Well said, my thoughts exactly. And Dr. Vaknin has so many other videos that are very comforting.

[@markgreen5200]

That really soothed me!

[@michelleriley7983]

Forgiveness of self has been the real bitch of the bunch for me🥴

[@bgrovian774]

So, so , so true. I told myself variations of all these things during the discard, and in the aftermath, and they consoled me for a day, maybe two. It wasn't until I did the deep dive into why I chose the narcissist, why I remained in the marriage for so long, why I would have remained in that relationship until death, that I began to own my part and heal. I am now approaching 2 years free of the narcissist and can feel grateful for the best (and at the time the most painful) thing the narcissist ever gave me...his departure. Thank you, and God Bless You, Professor Sam...your personal knowledge and sharing has been instrumental, critical in my healing process.

[@freewoman]

I'm so glad that I know and accept fully my contribution to my own demise. I have never thought that I was blameless. In fact, I blame myself for falling for this horrible man who almost took my life because I saw the sign. I have no desire to be vindictive. I pray for him and hope God changes him somehow. He almost killed me but i didnt press charges against him (I regret this decision however because he went on to almost kill someone else). Accept your part and move on...

[@michele4040]

I am trying to heal my codependency. My family of origin was a narcissistic family system. I totally know i unconsciously seek narcissists. I do look for a rock. I ahave been in therapy and CODA . I have trouble leaving my current narcissist even though he lies to me and cheats on me. I know i have a part of this. I know i am not an innocent party. I know i chose this person. I know i am in a trauma bond but i don't know how to break free. I try and try and try

[@sarahdlp524]

Your blunt information is a complete gift to the world Professor Dr Sam Vanknin. The internal snapshot information was a breakthrough to understanding.

[@yvetteholt4329]

Sam being ruthless today😂

[@suela4372]

Narcisistic abusers hold the mirror (the face) of every victim's self prejudice in my opinion. The stronger and the mercy-less one's self prejudice the bitter the narcisist he/she has to cope with. Once the victim becames aware of the self prejudice and let go of (trancend) that negative emotional charge he/she frees him/herself from the narcisist. Nevertheless becoming aware and letting of the self prejudice is a deep transformational process....

[@truejungian]

Precisely. If the "victim" is aware of this, they can use this experience as a catalyst to a slow ongoing process. The narcissist in social interactions can help everyone understand who they truly are. It's crazy to think they are both the worst and the best thing that could happen

[@inspiredbygracecoaching888]

​@@truejungianthank you for your input. I hate to admit it but Professor Sam is right. I continued to attract narcs over and over until I admitted I had self-loathing that I projected on to my partnerships. All of their insecurities mirrored my own. I believe they are there to give us the hard lesson to change ourselves or be consumed.

[@nadezdacox6005]

I became a crazy cat lady...

[@user-sw2sf3cy4k]

That's my plan!!❤😊

[@user-jt3so9kb1l]

Thank you, Sir! Was of great help... Victim card is nonsense

[@CriminalDefenseAlalehKamran]

Insightful. Powerful. Empowering. Enlightening. And beyond all that, the eloquence and clarity of explanation is priceless. Thank you.

[@julieblakley4217]

His life is already nothing because he is nothing. I feel sorry for his children.

[@ninayesplease]

Nooooo Prof Vaknin, we don't want the truth, give us the cuddling instead!

[@samvaknin]

Never! And that’s the truth! 😂

[@Gigibrasil]

This is definitely one of your best interviews ever. It’s a resume of all, of course just for those whom already pass and learned what is leave with a narcissist. Thank you

[@AnuraChi]

As a survivor of narcissistic abuse, what I want is to heal myself so that I become a better person, and don't end up in the same situation. I wish no harm upon my narcex. I have worked hard on figuring out why things happened the way they did and accept my own role in the situation, which signalled to me that I need to work on myself. This is ongoing. I am an imperfect survivor, not a victim.

[@AnuraChi]

So I guess I am ready for therapy, 2years post narc abuse.

[@natlee5879]

My experience fits with everything Sam Vaknin discusses. I fully accept my own part in this ridiculous process. A point of difference is my narcissist doesn't find new supply when he devalues and discards me. He is aging and sick, and I do believe he tries to find new supply, especially online, but can't secure anything of quality to him. He is back hoovering me within hours sometimes. I'm not always available. I've gone weeks no contact, where I've blocked him on all forums and locked my literal doors. But yes, I open all those doors again and again. These videos help me in my resolve, but i dont feel free yet. I'm stuck, and 20% of me feels i will accept the hoover again. Oh I will just "give a little bit" this time... I won't let myself get too emotionally involved... yeah right. Aargh

[@CPE1704TK5]

This makes so much sense. A lot of what I’d seen around the internet was framed well but these core things just didn’t quite sit right in there. You have pinpointed them all and some more. Troubleshooting master 🙏✨

[@maw-zs1vr]

Sam, your knowledge is invaluable. You have helped me a lot in my recovery process. Thank you very much! 🧡

[@danaezama5701]

Excellent, excellent, excellent!!! At the beginning of this, it is counter-intuitive. But the frame of mind taught here is so helpful and leads to self healing and reconstruction.........very excellent!

[@user-xk9gy6yt9b]

Thank you Sam I was doing the victim thing for a while but I now have clarity and a deeper understanding of myself Many thanks Rob

[@chiliart8056]

That's why Im out of game until I resolve my sh..

[@pamgodsoe9076]

I despise the comments of karma and hatred to their spouse. I wish the best for my husband. I know it will hurt me but I will survive. Sam you are my light

[@anabandana666]

This is so helpful Sam

[@ninonthomas2926]

I have discovered you recently and I appreciate your work and the clarity of your vidéos. When we realise the part we have played in this kind of relationship, we let go an enormous burden of our shoulders and we can carry on free from the lies and victim position. Long way to go but it's worth it so much cause it's more life inside us finaly. Thank you mr. Vaknin.

[@RA-ce2ot]

big thank you! people need to hear this. I started out with 'how to' and other short videos on youtube on narcissism but quickly started feeling really weird. For lack of a better word it felt almost like a kindergarten? The 'experts' as well as the comments section was a feast of aggression and pointing fingers and it didn't sit right with me. It felt childish. I'm glad I found Sam's videos and feel like I got a better grasp of the situation I've used to be in - and frankly was part of creating. Still working on owning my pain and experience but this time really hopeful and not in a a malignant way.

[@catherinelawler604]

Lol! I love your sense of humor on this serios subject you have awesome insight and intellect on this subject I have been through years and years with a narcissist even after I left it really never ended.But at least with you I can reexamine my past and have a laugh while doing it. Thank you

[@user-hu8co2bc3c]

Everything you said in this video is without a doubt 100% factual. My diagnosed nar/ex acted out just as you described it and I remember feeling just as you described how they act about the shared time together. Absolutely fascinating listening to your lectures. Brillant!!

[@jaclynmarino3913]

This makes so much sense

[@samahsamah3165]

Comme d'habitude vous êtes le meilleur des professeurs ❤ 🇲🇦

[@user-ju8fn8fu9s]

Exactly true Im agree with you Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin❤

[@tathe3786]

I think it’s wonderful for our self to live the life we want! The narc as you describe it, has nothing to do with a loving person. So way should I love him. He made me love him by tricking me, bymirroring me!!! That’s all he is a kind of childlike brained emotional not able to grow… just living his will and nothing more!! He objectified me snap shoted me… never loved me… never will love me love, love is a laugh about concept for him… love is weakness!!! So take a Deep Breath and go on love youselfes!! May be not in such an egoistic way as a harvesting narc… be kind to yourselves and to others!! But stay by yourselves!!!

[@geliniagelinia1326]

I love this video 💖

[@marbiemarbie2021]

My experiences from a malignant narcissist was something most regrettable from all of my decision.

[@ohboy7790]

wha thats a slick new haircut there bro 👍👍

[@dariazukowskapsychologkliniczn]

I really like this convo!

[@samvaknin]

Yes. So do I. But people are looking only for quick “how to” videos. Zero interest in anything deeper and no attention span.

[@dariazukowskapsychologkliniczn]

@@samvaknin what can I say, good luck for them. I like yours and mine approach - clinical. Thank you for your knowledge. Never enough

[@sweetmoiraify]

The vast majority of people looking for quick fix to make them feel better about themselves , special even

[@DeeCee1878]

Best video ever!!

[@soufiabourasse2163]

thank you so much

[@user-hb6xh7ip8x]

Thanks 🎉yes priceless advice ❤

[@VANNESSIA_MK]

I love how it sounded like you said POS shared fantasies

[@adm6785]

Out of sight, out of mind is a perfect description of my husband. If he's in hate mode and not around, all I have to do is text him a flattering picture of myself(not porn! lol) and he's suddently a kind, loving husband. Doesn't last more than a day or two, but it's one of the few defenses I have when I need break from all the hate. Very strange how hate and love can change as quickly as a light switch. What's even more strange is that this tactic has worked every single time over the past 20 years. He has a P.H.D., yet has never caught on. I'm not a psychologist, but believe it's because his need for supply is so intense, it outweighs everything else. Am I wrong?

[@teresa1710]

We are not victims but we will repeat these mistakes until we make a change. It takes two to tango, or as I think Sam called it, a dance of wounded souls. I have cut my losses, with the help of listening to Sam. Time to mend!

[@lorrainesawday4959]

| would also like to say that my NPD 'mother' married a pyschopath. His first wife committed suicide in a London hotel and didn't mention him in her suicide note. They fed each other really well! She told him he was clever and he let her have everything she wanted (apart from sex - apparently)?

[@vanyabecerra6430]

I’ve lived in the shared fantasy for over 30 years, and your so right professor Sam I’m no angel I have insecure attachment issues and I’m codependent, I understand what you’re saying, where is the best place for me to get help, I really want to heal, I don’t ever want to end up in a relationship like the one I’ve been in.

[@marinabobeck6238]

Shalom Professor Sam V. I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist for over 20 years but I didn’t know anything about narcissistic people until he discarded me for another supply, the sad part is that we have children- it’s been almost 4 years now and it’s still a working process for me .. I do recognize that I did play a part in this toxic relationship but for some reason I thought that my children would be with out father which it was wrong thinking. Your videos are a wake up call and very informative.. my question to you will be how can you deal with the narcissist ex when you have children. Thank you .

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel.

[@dm8068]

Hi sam! Ive been watching a lot of vids and realized how you sometimes make references and stuff to books. I also saw the video about the book "Pure" by Rebecca Ray. I really wouldnt have heard of this underrated book if it wasnt for that video. Recently I started reading "The body keeps the score" as suggested by someone online and thought about what you might have to say about it, like what part is of it were good/bad accurate/inaccurate writing style etc. Id think it would be interesting * I bring this up because it makes me think maybe there are books out there that might say these very things like "the best revenge against a narcissist is having a better life" which is just a cope and not accurate

[@samvaknin]

I mention "The Body Keeps the Score" in well over 20 videos.

[@hopeinhumanity.]

Powerful. Especially at the 57:00 mark

[@govandahmed1846]

hard fact. but true 100%😢

[@no.9961]

you just got to learn to thrive from it 👍👍💪💪

[@Thisismyyoutube1]

Excellent video. This is the fleshed-out course of action required for healing. So often distilled to ‘love yourself’ which is entirely unhelpful when you simply do not know how. This tells us how: Love yourself - work on yourself, respectfully look at your own imperfections and see that abusers abuse and if they are abusing us, it’s because we tolerate and allow it. Hard hitting truths which are so comfortable when we do the work. A video on ‘The work’ would be a welcome follow-up. I enjoy the work of Nicole Le Pera. What are your recommendations?

[@samvaknin]

Watch the videos in the healing and recovery playlist.

[@Oliversamuels60]

It is healthy to continuing with these delusional beliefs in the meantime of healing as I know you have discussed it can be healthy to have some delusional belief to be replaced by the narcissists voice while recovering your own voice

[@Tejavantu]

Is the victim’s urge toward contempt and vengeance part of the abuser’s entrainment? Is it mirroring the quotidian contempt the narcissist feels, and has installed into the victim?

[@samvaknin]

Yes. Narcissism is contagious.

[@sophiediscobarre944]

Harsh! Luckily I'm really healing (finally) otherwise couldn't have dealt with this

[@pamgodsoe9076]

This is what I want-I want my husband to be normal enough to spend the rest of my life with him. This will never happen

[@butterflygirl3359]

I don’t want to be blameless and I don’t want the narc to be all evil. I want the man I love to not be a narcissist. I want him to be able to love me and not be toxic. I want the therapist to tell me he can be fixed and is not hopeless and incapable of a reciprocal relationship.

[@irielion3748]

But you don't know the man you love, you love an illusion. You have to let go and move on.

[@ShellieTBoss]

I'm for certain back and forth on me being the problem the only memory that came through that stems from childhood is being shoved in a corner and she would not leave and keep hitting until I told her it was my fault, or I was dumb, or stupid, or the problem. When I was having fun she used to claw into my skin to get me to stop or when her friends started to like me she choked me and put a pillow on my head, my last email I got from her was telling me I was toxic, there's always a part of me that has kept me distant from others so don't hurt them. And from a current friendship I told a lady how rude she was and why, and I told her how hurt I felt because she "rejected" me after telling me that the only thing that would make her not love me is if I turned them into the cops, I told her that I shut down in extreme environments and I hide in my room where it feels safe but she was aggressive. She had a long list of expectations and I told her I was having a difficult time keeping up with them. So when we moved out of her space I asked if I could talk with her, this was after she made sure I didn't get invited to family gatherings. She sees me as a bad mom and such and such after being away from that environment. I'm upset with my treatment there and I've been able to look at my art I played, but when I think about it it still hurts because I wanted to give but it was never what she wanted, she ended our friendship and got her spouse to exclude me is disacknowlege me telling me she would no longer put effort into me. It still stings, and I am confused. The part I can acknowledge is that I was in survival mode and I wasn't present in the spaces she was at with my kids, I didn't communicate about looking for jobs when she told me to and I didn't do everything the way she wanted to, and I realize I created chaos in her organized space. The experience there and with her in general hurt because inside her space, it felt like a nightmare, outside of it before moving in she would share her food if I asked nicely and she would think of me during Christmas. But after things ended she told others not to bring up my name and then I heard nothing from her she was so mad at me until she lost her baby which she said took all her anger away but she still doesn't want to associate with me and is more disappointed that I've kept my distance. Everyone else that grew up with her really likes her, even my kids do, which is why I wonder if it's me because I like being kind but I can see others don't put in the effort to talk with me vs making sure she is always thought of.

[@LonerWolf1224]

24:55 I found this pretty true in multiple occasions.. and also this proves in 2nd Timothy chapter 4 also.. I'm not a religious person btw..

[@FayzaBensalem-rn5yf]

It’s a daily struggle

[@LavaWaffle1]

Prof. why can't you just leave us to believe that people are basically good?? Joking aside, thanks again. I needed a reality check today. Death voice was triggered and i did not understand what was happening and self soothed with these excuses. You whipped me back to earth.

[@yasminahmad5066]

What happens to a narcissist when his birth mother dies

[@govandahmed1846]

he will loss a veteran source of narcissistic supply. (Sam Vaknin)

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel for "dead parent".

[@saladgirl2062]

The re-enacting of the relationship with the mother really resonates with me, so often my ex would respond to me as tho I was his mother . . It was disturbing , I felt completely unseen . Mercifully I’m now divorced.

[@pelqel9893]

​@@louisemorgan3237You might like to think so, but no... when the narcissist loses his/her mother, it is utterly devastating... a loss so deep I don't think they ever come to peace with it.

[@honeybee2699]

It's truly psychosis, some kind of distorted fantasy, twisted mind. "Selfless", as Proof.Vaknin says.

[@IrmaRoma68]

When both of your parents are narcissists and psychopaths rebuilding is harder than intimate relationships that voice of not enough haunts you forever. You can also end up trauma bonded to them like my sister who I can’t have a relationship with because of her fanatical religious beliefs. It’s a mess. I agree about not playing the victim and taking responsibility although in my own life the imprints of my parents and grandparents have left me attracting serial killers, psychopaths, narcissists, and I had a very weird incident during a group therapy session that left everyone creeped out. No explanation. So I am trying to understand the relationship between signaling, the way abusers know who to pick on, and the imprint of ancestors my cousin committed suicide now I know why.

[@julieblakley4217]

I think i have reasons to want to bring him down. He was my boss and used my affection and his power to use me and then lie about me, lie to me, lie to his boss, hide a complaint, then barr me from my former workplace after 13 years of my faithful service. The truth came out later to his boss and myself but he is still working there. I dont think he should be having any power over people if that's how he's going to weird it. Yes, being attracted to narcissists is my pattern and I wondered if he was one all along. Turns out he's likely covert and psychopathic. But he started the inappropriate relationship that I fully participated in but then used his position to claim I was harassing him when he was afraid of being found out. This guy has no business still working there after everything came to light.

[@Maria_Stancu]

So why does he come back after the discard to Hoover if he’s not thinking about me at all? He’s hoovered me and love bombed me after I left and I fell for it once. I have been no contact for 6 months but he still calls every once in a while. What is he doing? Is he trying to Hoover again? I’d like to think he’d eventually give up, however, he did this with his ex when we split. They were apart for 5 years but she fell for it and gave in to him.

[@samvaknin]

Search the shared fantasy playlist.

[@adm6785]

You say the narcissist isn't attracted to someone who's kind and empathetic, yet isn't this exactly the kind of person who offers the most supply? At least with covert/vulnerable narcissists?

[@samvaknin]

No.

[@gaurs230]

They are they vulnerable narcissism even just sucks

[@jdglivre]

Por favor Professor, deixe as opções de legendas ativadas para facilitar a tradução. Muito obrigada! 😊

[@samvaknin]

Subscribe to the NarcisismocomMirna channel.

[@jdglivre]

@@samvaknin thank you so much 😊

[@Happihaus]

Nice haircut 😁

[@user-lu3sw4ul4u]

Dear Sam Vaknin. When you speak from Narcissistic abuse does this mean also Borderline and Psychopaths ? This includes them all? I m so greatful for all your work it helped me increadible ❤ Thank you for answering my question.

[@samvaknin]

No.

[@irinakushnir8338]

Is it right to stop calling and visiting elderly narcissist mother that's want to continue narcissistic treatments? I feel if I didn't stop contact she will continue the abuse

[@samvaknin]

No contact with all abusers. Period. No ifs and buts.

[@barbaramazur9829]

I have a question. If I did not mean anything to my ex narcissist of 25 years who has moved on, and living with another woman for the last two years. Why is he depositing money into my checking account every month to pay my rent we live in two different states and have no contact whatsoever.

[@FayzaBensalem-rn5yf]

Then what is there

[@Rozentsweig]

Does the narcissist realise the aim of his relationship with his victims?

[@DebbieLee-dr3hr]

I am assuming young children of narcissists can be considered blameless in many situations.

[@samvaknin]

Clearly this video deals with adult victims. No need to be a smartaleck.

[@DebbieLee-dr3hr]

So sorry I should have known. We thank you for your reply.

[@pamgodsoe9076]

I know I am not an angel. I still love my spouse but I know we are so bad for each other.

[@NarcisismoTV]

I am the Virgin Mary ❤😅 Jk I’m healing because I was not trigger by any of the points on this video.

[@ballsflying]

36:44 - 37:44, cPTSD and trauma reduces empathy, narcissistic and psychopathic behavior can be displayed. REVERSIBLE with therapy. There is way too little knowledge out there, mental illnesses are diseases like other medical diseases unnecessary suffering. What do we do, we go medieval on these people, punishing the behavior, delivering a second hit, making it worse, while people actually need help.

[@Schneewolke]

Im shoshanim and I refuse to be called something else😅

[@bunrisl]

Sex, services, safety, stability

[@samvaknin]

Sex, services, supply (narcissistic or sadistic), and safety (another word for stability).

[@ShadowJerker-st3lj]

Coming from someone financially ruined and sexually abused by a narc and his mother, all I can say is I am pretty broken. I have pure disdain for being alive, and I think the majority of people are walking disorders. I can’t wait until I die, and I hope I never come back.

[@samvaknin]

You will recover. The prognosis for victims of narcissistic abuse is good.

[@mariasolarz]

I could have written this on one of my bad days (which is most days tbh). Financially ruined here too by my narc ex, sexually abused by my narc father since childhood. Even with the ridiculously bad hand we've been dealt, the world IS still a beautiful place with so much good. Let's go find it shall we? We definitely need it after the darkness we've endured ❤

[@honeybee2699]

🫂♥️ Prof. Vaknin's lectures will guide you through the whole healing process. You will discover real reasons for the situations. You will get knowledge. Knowledge will soothe you and calm you. Look for a psychotherapist in real life, too. ♥️ I hope you find peace here, on this planet. I wish you comfortable life after a person with narcissistic disorder. Let there be peace in your soul and love and acceptance for yourself. Embrace life.❤️

[@ShadowJerker-st3lj]

Thank you

[@Wildflower-sm8ow]

I know how you feel inside it' totally breaks you down to an infant your world along with your heart is shattered to the point the pain and grief and loss overwhelms your nervous system. You no longer feel safe and there's no safe place to go. Little by little you will find ways to heal yourself ❤❤

[@natlee5879]

Ah yes, entraining. All the love bombing phrases: my sexy spunky wife to be, my best friend, my rock, my caring and unique lady, love of my life, darling, gorgeous, I should have met you years ago, my clever doctor, MUM...we're going to grow old together... Then the devaluing phrases: you always go ON and ON, you're always annoying me, what would you know? , you're a fatty, look in the mirror, (and my absolute triggering favourite), LEAVE ME ALONE!

[@dmm705]

Reality check for delusional and optimistic nars victims 😂 Thank you for this information!