“I feel like the parent in our marriage. And I hate it”

[@ramitsethi]

0:00 Please remember: These are real people who had the courage to come on my podcast and ask for help. Would you be willing to come on this podcast and share every detail of your financial life? Feel free to leave comments based on what you think, but remember that we are here to help in a supportive way, not to demean and criticize. Download the Conscious Spending Plan so you can use your money GUILT-FREE: iwt.com/csp-youtube

[@MY-kh9hx]

It is surprising and a bit disappointing that they didn’t bother to send Ramit a follow up. They seemed to be really engaged in the call. Hope they do well after the call.

[@lanceyokota5031]

Ramit, Nicole, and Matt: thank you for raising and addressing death in this episode. It’s something we will all face and upon deep reflection, it is one of the basis for gratitude, a foundation for happiness.

[@karynoghogho9302]

This is like a therapy session. I loved the honesty of the couple. You can tell they love each other and have been through a lot. This episode made me so emotional because I also had to think of how my life experiences have affected my relationship with money.

[@TeKnoVKNG23]

Actually why I enjoy his videos more so than other "financial gurus." He actually delves into the psychological issues, which is something most of the others don't even bother to touch on.

[@mariayoutubing]

Barely 2 minutes in, and I already got teary eyed and can tell this will be a special one. "I have a really hard time admitting I'm worth saving my money for"...wow! 💔 Heartbreaking, already I can feel Nicole and Matt are sensitive, kind people! This is when you realize what Ramit does is not something anyone could do. I can't wait to see how Ramit can help ❤

[@discoveringhealthandfinanc8328]

So I understand Ramit wants to help wealthier people and their money psychology but I think throwing in a single guy or gal not making 100k a year and teach them how to be rich could be nice. Maybe quaterly.

[@weswest8666]

Those folks end up on Dave Ramsey or Caleb Hammer due to high debt and no plan

[@ramitsethi]

Hi, it's really important to me and my entire team that we have diverse guests in relationships on our show. We've featured many, many people with lower incomes, including last week. Please review iwt.com/podcast and look through our episodes.

[@thisisyourfinalwarning]

I watch every week and his guests have good diversity, just the couple last week are not pulling in $100k yearly.

[@discoveringhealthandfinanc8328]

​@@ramitsethiI've watched all of them already. And I really appreciate what you do but like on your netflix special, there was a variety of people with different incomes who were single as well as in relationships. Maybe you can do a spin off with singles. I can be your first guest! 😂

[@ramitsethi]

No thank you, but I'd recommend my Money Coaching program at iwt.com/moneycoaching

[@milikoshki]

This was such a beautiful episode. Yeah, this couple has real issues, but they also have a relationship full of love and mutual respect- it's clear 5 minutes in and glaringly obvious the more you listen. There were no attacks, accusations, or unfair comments. They're both good listeners and give each other the space to speak. An excellent demonstration of how it is possible struggle with big issues in a relationship while still seeing the humanity in your partner. I have no doubt they'll get there.

[@lowlowseesee]

my mother has been tipping 20 bucks for housekeeping and she works in a grocery store for low wage. she's a very generous person and that rubbed off on me and I tip every one a lot lol. its more about the mind than it is about the income amount and Ramit knows this. even though of course when money and money mindset are great it increases the chances for people to turn up their money dial on generosity

[@sarahshanahan2222]

Omgoodness!!! I am really struggling with the scarcity mindset... and constantly watch stock market and numbers all the time. The person i love is exact opposite of me. Makes me stressed out and makes me want to stay separated money wise forever. I dont want to live that way. Watching people start to open their minds to learn makes me fantsize

[@jennifermoffitt4635]

i am like you... i also have sep accounts though

[@mamalovesthebeach437]

I feel like Matt and Nicole were one of the most enlightened couples that I’ve seen on your podcast/KZbin channel. What an incredible catch Ramit, when you recognized that Matt felt like the balance due that month on his credit card was debt and Nicole did not see it as debt because it was being paid off monthly. Both my husband and I see our credit cards as “debt“ even though they’re paid off monthly. I’m not so sure that’s not a bad thing?🤷‍♀️ I’m so disappointed and surprised that Matt and Nicole didn’t do a follow up! It doesn’t mean they still don’t have that opportunity. I would like to thank them both for having the courage and the drive to dig deep. Thank you Ramit!💜

[@ryanwelch9677]

this couple is delightful. honest and a lot of love between them and a lot of affirmation for each other.

[@CaseyZweigle]

This was a great episode. Such wonderful people. I love Matt’s honesty. And I learned so much. Really liked the screen sharing and looking at credit cards and compound interest calculator in real time. Thanks Ramit!

[@ericasteinke1343]

She has a stunningly beautiful classic face. Like one you'd see in a renaissance painting.

[@scottyglenwalker2345]

I love you Ramit! I just completed a charles schwab survey and when asked how I came to end up doing business with them I dropped YOUR name! Your videos and Netflix series have been a life changer.I like how it isn't all about money or making money but also the goals and living life.

[@markmastalski9104]

Please consider your language. Your first sentence could have simply ended after "Ramit".

[@LaraMuzio]

Omg... They are so brave and beautifully vulnerable! The love and care and commitment is moving! Thank you for sharing!

[@Christina-nx1tr]

There are a few things I find interesting - when a married couple refer to "his money" "her money" , the act of "paying back a spouse" for taking a holiday and when as a couple people are earning such a substantial income (which is from fixed income) and are still fearful. It makes me wonder. I think keeping track separately is what causes anxiousness - is it the lack of trust between a couple? Then is it is really the lack of trust in the relationship that causes the anxiety - not an issue about the money. This couple have a lot of money as a couple and perhaps would be better off thinking of themselves as "we". I understand each marriage is different - for me I wouldn't want to be in a marriage if we weren't a "we". otherwise I would have just stayed single. I find having a combine thinking and management of our finances easier. Our incomes are different but our pot is the same because we use it together. Helps that I don't have trust issues with my partner. Shame that they didn't provide a follow up to this session. Ramit puts a lot of effort into these post casts. I have watched a few of these podcast and am often left feeling that something missed the mark or something (can't put my finger on it) is missing. Perhaps because the ones I have seen, everyone seems to have a lot of income and just don't know what to do with it or how to manage it.

[@andreamckenzie8598]

As someone who generally does not like the idea of truly combining finances in general and the concept of that in marriage scares me, there are a few reasons for it. Part of it is the idea that I like to have a really granular level of control over where my money goes and comes, especially when neither of us are great at managing money to the point where we aren't experiencing any cashflow issues so it's not like one of us would be able to keep us on the right track; we're both crap. Another is the fact that I never want to be in a situation that I can't afford on my own, and I already struggle with battling lifestyle creep on my own income; considering that both of us have expensive taste and meager discipline, it's for the better. I like to know that I'm managing fully on my own, and then anything my partner can add is just gravy. Plus, god forbid something happens and we split, I'm not figuring out how to afford the life I lead. That being said, it can absolutely be a trust issue, and not even for reasons that imply any malice on anyone's side. If one of you is much, much worse with money than the other, or one has more debts than the other, or you both have very different priorities when it comes to money on the day-to-day, then it makes sense to keep things separate until they've proved you _can_ trust them with it. A lot of spouses of ADHD folks or bipolar folks struggle with this (I promise no judgment, me and my partner are both ADHD so the struggle is real), because the impulsivity and anxiety level plus the lack of ability to manage gratification can make it really difficult to keep money together. At the end of the day, it may not be smart to have a long-term partnership where this is an issue; but I figure so long as you're managing it together (even if the finances are separate) and your core priorities and money values align, then it's really up to the couple to manage the money the way that works best for them.

[@Christina-nx1tr]

@@andreamckenzie8598 what you have said is key the “ managing together (even if the finances are separate) and core priorities and money values align“

[@AS-kf1ol]

My husband and I keep finances separate but that's because it helps us more clearly track where money is coming from and where its going. We contribute separately out of our own income. So my husband might put an entire vacation on one of his points earning credit cards and I might "owe him" my portion to cover the expense, which we always cover immediately. There's no anxiety around it and it has nothing to do with trust. It's just easier. Money from all sources is tracked from entry to exit, and we both have responsibility over our own portion.

[@AS-kf1ol]

​@andreamckenzie8598 nothing wrong with keeping finances separate. We've been married 8 years and have built much more wealth by BOTH being diligent over how much we make and spend, then if it was all lumped into 1 pot. There was no lack of trust or anxiety involved. That's just what works for us.

[@Tri-valleyrealtor]

What I like about these episodes is authentic and genuine revelation of lifestyles. Financial situations can’t be explained without emotional contexts. We are not seeing one person’s point of view or choices. Rather it is about two individuals trying to align their choices to work as one unit. It’s never easy even if you grew up in same environment. Individuals will always be different from one another.

[@tatianagranger2427]

Wow! The honesty of this couple is flooring and motivational as can be!!!! Heck, I struggle with being that honest to myself! Another great episode Remit! Thanks to the both of you too!!! As an actor who’s spouse also is very secure in their field and job, u are speaking to my soul! I know my spouse feels the same way! Thanks y’all!

[@tessjune88]

Great episode. Surprised they didn’t send the follow ups as I love hearing how things are moving forward. Makes me ponder why, what happened. I would think it means something not so great. But that is just my thought. I wish them well. Ramit, as always you are masterful at how you move through the conversation with people. Fascinating.

[@aongaaong]

I dont think Nicole mentioned what her job was. Maybe it wasnt necessary to the discussion but I like to learn what high earners do for a living

[@lowlowseesee]

oh so we are just going to ignore the s&m leather in the background lol. awesome

[@beardedpanda5086]

I manually pay my credit card stuff and put things into various accounts as well. It lets me check in monthly and I have that sense of control.

[@SG-qu1re]

I wouldn’t normally comment about this but I have to give you props in addition to your amazing podcast… The first Ads were awesome this time! The Methodology ad had me engaged before you even mentioned the product and the Calm Ad had me cracking up bc I had almost the same feelings about my nieces last week when I took them to an amusement park! Great job Ramit!

[@ramitsethi]

Thank you. I appreciate that. We spend a lot of time finding great sponsors so this means a lot.

[@tatico3]

With Mint mobile available - Why are people still paying $200+ on cell phone bills. 🤯 (i live in the middle of farm land in NJ and i still get 5G)

[@TeKnoVKNG23]

Even Metro/T-Mobile is pretty cheap. I've been on a $40 unlimited plan forever now. Would have been $30, but the $40 plan had unlimited streaming music which I use at the gym.

[@Natalie_11188]

Because they finance their phones. The low cost plans are great, especially if you live in a metro area but you have to own your phone.

[@bendybunny1318]

One of my favorite episodes ever!❤️

[@brandonb7120]

What a nice couple and just a pity no follow-ups - everything seemed quite positive from all parties on this one.

[@Spot4art]

I don’t get that you can’t pay your credit cards manually. I pay them off in full weekly or as I use them. Never carry a balance. No stress.

[@alexisballard1459]

Ramit is big on giving people back their time.. that’s why he doesn’t advocate for manually paying it off. When everything is automated, you can use the brain power you used to use to remember to pay your card each week to instead using that brain power for something creative / what you’re truly meant to spend time thinking about

[@euenfheiejrj]

I have it in autopay but I mostly pay it off every two weeks when I get my paycheck. I like knowing I won’t forget.

[@wsdmrtst]

I really appreciated this episode! I especially related to Matt, being an actor in NYC (I was a dancer) and the drinking and gig work and the simpleton strategies around money from being broke for so long. Having a career change and making more money doesn't necessarily change our underlying feelings of not being "good enough"... especially when our self-worth is wrapped up in our identity as a performer and public figure. I'm dealing with the same thing right now. The sobriety thing is also a whole identity change that I deal with and although being sober is better for us in many ways, it's still foreign. Thanks you two for being so honest on this episode. Lol! Also, I too thought that if you owe a certain amount on a credit card it is considered credit card debt even if you pay it off every month... I have some learning to do!

[@PSmith-ie9jx]

What a lovely couple!

[@ncroxton]

Such a lovely couple. The love and care is so strong and palpable. I wish them the very best.

[@thisisyourfinalwarning]

Oof! this broke my heart, it's so sad to me that Matt doesn't think he's worth saving money for 😓

[@ongo6408]

Manually checking is good. Sometimes the figures or charges could be wrong. What if you forgot to cancel a subscription? It’s helpful…

[@albert1558]

Stupid question but I gotta know. You mentioned you tip 20.00 a day for house keeping so if you put up a do not disturb sign on door do you still tip for that day? I’m sure you do no matter what but need to hear it/know. Thank you for sharing your ideas about money, you have opened my eyes for sure.

[@rebeccakoval9413]

I’ve enjoyed so many episodes, but I LOVE this couple. I know they have their challenges, but I’ve never felt so certain these two adore each other and will make everything work.

[@alexisballard1459]

Ramit, I’m proud to say this control freak put her bills on Autopay this week! However, I’m finding myself not trusting that Autopay will work / still checking in on my accounts to make sure what I planned actually happened / wondering if Autopay will kick in for the next billing cycle or for the next payment / etc. i just need to remind myself I’m stronger than my fearful thoughts!

[@discoveringhealthandfinanc8328]

Wow... I literally did the same thing. At almost 37, I've realized how being controlling has caused tremendous anxiety. Good for you for using that step! Its definitely a process!

[@Lena-cl6ye]

I put my bills on Autopay after reading Ramit's book and I have not looked back!

[@TradeWise1000]

I don’t believe in the auto pay for cards for them because they will pay and you will go in there to ensure all charges are correct and it takes one second to pay then. Also if you have different accounts let’s say a saving for travel and a travel month the card is mostly going to come from that account, then you have to worry about correct accounting and possible double payment. I think only good for people who don’t pay on time and maybe for the guy to view it differently. I may may do this on my one card which i only really use for a gym membership but others will stay. I don’t think it is me being a control freak but I am in there at the end of the month as I should be to ensure no fraudulent charges. BUT if it helps you then congrats no shade here just throwing my two cents out there

[@cokedclassic7627]

​@@TradeWise1000 looking at your statements doesn't mean you can't autopay. I have multiple cards and everything is paid on time and I can look at statements when I want. If you are not able to log in for some reason you still know it is being taken care of.

[@jennifermoffitt4635]

all of my fixed bills are on autopay for over a decade but credit cards nope.

[@oddpepperpot7842]

I loved this. I hope there is a follow-up soon.

[@mylifeisntavg]

... did anyone else just really want to ask about the leather thing hanging out to Matt's left? (You're the master of your own frame Matt, Props.)

[@mrhardgame8966]

Your podcast is very insightful. I appreciate the work and the people that come on your show.

[@susanwhitbeck4210]

I fear winning money because I feel I still would t find happiness. My day to day life is working to be able to have what I have but always feel it isn’t enough.

[@superaudiobros.482]

One of my favorite episodes

[@classydenisha]

Great episode! I'm learning from everyone's experiences.

[@SuzanneU]

To me, the question Who plans your trips? falls short. I'd ask, who pays for the tickets? who makes the reservations? why don't you, Matt, prepay your share of the expenses? You know when the trip is going to happen - months in advance - so wouldn't it be easier to spend a few months preparing rather than reimbursing?

[@MNP208]

I’d be curious to hear what Ramit thinks of Clark Howard. Many of us grew up listening to him for years. He refers to the “Bermuda Triangle” when you order drinks, appetizer and dessert after dinner. Your money gets lost in the abyss. 😂

[@SuzanneU]

The pain and consequences have to be felt by the person causing the pain! If Nicole lost trust and enjoyment while Matt loved the travel and the dinners and the lifestyle - she's paying in more ways than forking out the cash. Matt might have a moment or two of remorse but fleeting regrets apparently don't cause HIM enough pain to trigger change!

[@Sonny0276]

Great Video. Thank you for posting.

[@donnaallgaier-lamberti3933]

Does you spouse have ADHD? I ask this because this is my situation. I am the "responsible" person and my spouse has (what our therapist calls "learned helplessness.) I am getting him tested for ADHD. Men like this LOOK FOR A SPOUSE who is responsible for both of them. PLEASE GET TESTED!! PLEASE NOTE: When you live with an irresponsible person like this man the partner feels they MUST be in control just to protect themselves. I also said I wanted a partner......I was very VERY clear.... ADHD people MAKE A PROMISE and then do not keep it.....this is one of the main symptoma osd ADHD!!!!

[@JKRBW]

It's interesting that you said allllll that, and still said YOU are getting HIM tested. He's grown. He doesn't care.

[@t4health527]

ADHD is linked to addiction too so yes. I like your idea of learned helplessness. That is also something that underfunctioners do. Like a scapegoat to minimize higher functioning. The pretend they don’t know how to do something, so they won’t do it. Overfunctioner/underfunctioner dynamic

[@ohthechitchat]

I want to to know what these definitions of ‘middle class’ is because I would question the way people throw that about.

[@thisisyourfinalwarning]

I recently read a novel and the characters asked the same thing, people say they're middle class but truly, it's a very specific net worth and annual income.

[@dawn6275]

just listened to a FIRE podcast and the couple were stating this as well, that they grew up middle class. One guy had a doctor and a nurse for parents, the other had parents in corporate (one was a manager).

[@CambieSweets]

This example is what I learned about the meaning of middle class on the higher end of the spectrum. You can make 4 million a year and be considered middle class, specifically upper-middle. Why? Because you did not inherit your money. You worked for it. The Upperclassmen are people with a high net worth who inherited their wealth. Of course, they can work to generate more, but they were born into wealth.

[@JKRBW]

Washington Post and Pew Research both posted calculators (accounting for income, zip code, savings) last month. I don't think I can post the links here but they come up if you search middle class calculator.

[@steverocksyo]

Lookin swole in that sweater Ramit.

[@GruncleJohn]

This is awesome!

[@topseekrit]

Would love to hear Ramit’s thoughts on how he now views men particularly when the woman earns more than the man. I’m starting to see patterns via these podcasts.

[@deirdrekiely6187]

What pattern do you see?

[@lindsay3995]

I have to say, all of the people in the comment section of these videos literally saying they're scared to make a lot of money. a) what a wonderful privileged problem that would be to face (if you ever do), and b) no one will ever force you to continually make millions of dollars forever -- that barista job and a more modest life is always there for you to seek out.

[@shawnanapier845]

Incredible couple❤

[@johannamiller527]

What does manually paying your credit cards have to do with being rich or not rich? There's nothing wrong with wanting to keep an eye on where your money is going, even if you have plenty - and it's a good habit to check the statement for fraudulent charges or recurring payments you're no longer benefitting from. ...but then I got to the ads for services you can pay to do those things for you. I hate to be cynical, but it starts to make sense.

[@fbdueb89]

So I thought this at first, and I've always manually paid. But I think Ramit's point (and what I've also found since automating) is that you only have so much energy. And if your energy is going towards remembering when to pay and paying, you're in the weeds, and its harder to stay big picture about how your money is moving and if it aligns with your rich life. It's not about being rich, but giving mental space to have the rich life.

[@johannamiller527]

@@fbdueb89 How much "mental space" does it take, though, really? You get an email alert when you have a new bill, you log into your account, take a quick look at the statement to make sure all the charges are ones you recognize (again, this is very important - fraudulent charges happen, and the banks' anti-fraud measures don't always catch them), make sure you have enough in your checking account to cover the bill, then click "schedule payment." It takes two minutes, once a month. It's really not a big deal. Ramit spent far more "mental space" than that harping on these people about it in this episode.

[@fbdueb89]

​@johannamiller527 like I said, I manually paid for 10 years, so I get that it doesn't sound like a big deal. But it helps me release control (because I was a big controller like in this video), and it gives me more self confidence because I know the money is there. But to each their own.

[@TeKnoVKNG23]

Yeah it's not something that takes a ton of time or effort. I sit down for about 30 minutes each payday, check all the bills are paid. Easy and done.

[@CambieSweets]

@@fbdueb89Beautiful response!

[@ChristyMurphyMotivation]

"Whatever. If you don't want to talk about your impending death, it's your life." -Ramit Sethi

[@holisticallyme556]

No time stamps?

[@_ssjim]

We are all proud of u ❤

[@jaydubya9265]

Such a negative impact when you miss out on investing in your 20s. I didn’t start until I was 30. Millennial retirement is gonna be a real crap show. I think that period will usher in the “socialism” some folks are afraid of bc otherwise the streets will be full of us old millennials in tents and RVs. 😂

[@thisisyourfinalwarning]

there's gonna be a millennial retirement crisis for sure . I started saving up in my 20s and so many people I know in their late 30s and above haven't even started or have any idea how and where to start.

[@sarahshanahan2222]

The secure 2.0 act was just voted in thank goodness. Forces employers to open 401ks for their employees (no more opting in... employees have to opt out) This will save gen Z ----- hopefully I'm scared for melinnials retirement. We only have 27 years left. 😢 Also... also... student loans will garnish our social security 😢

[@dawn6275]

@@thisisyourfinalwarning would have been nice if anyone had ever told me about saving for retirement. legit did not know that retirement meant anything other than not working until my late 30s. Didn't open my 1st IRA until I was 38 and my (now) husband told me about them for the 1st time. Solo401k the year after. You can't blame people if they never got any education on this- schools don't teach this and friends/family might not either (most of my colleagues are also self-employed and did not know about SEP IRAs and solo401ks, I've been helping many learn about this since I found out couple years ago)

[@katieegan5178]

Wait, hi, what is a solo401k? Is that a way to invest if job doesn’t offer 401k options?

[@Bob-yh7ir]

Love compounding interest !! It's crazy when you get to a certain amount, even small changes in markets can be large amounts of money. Just this past week, with the uptick, our investments have out grown our salary. If we were retired, this one week would have supplied 2 years of living expenses. They have this. They have a big shovel as they say. Get the expenses known and then under control and they can live a wealthy life style. Here's hoping they do !!

[@jonasking3670]

“I don’t know how to set up an automatic payment.” You said you have a tech job. You must be a project manager.

[@StoicJohny]

I'm still at the beginning but I just got to say it, My man my last trip was to Miami and I tipped $20 a night for house keeping your too rich for that, those are rookie numbers you gotta crank those up....😂

[@builditfrom0]

Following here for while. You mainly talks about couples money management. How about the single person who wanted to explore new income streams who are broke? You're not teaching how to be rich , you're teaching to already rich people how to manage their money. Title of your channel is deceiving to me.

[@ramitsethi]

I'd welcome you to join Money Coaching at iwt.com/moneycoaching, or get my book, or use my free material.

[@lbslott]

Great episode. I hope they both can celebrate where they are and enjoy life every step of the way. It sounds like they’re doing a lot right!

[@TradeWise1000]

Ha first interview that I have heard R mention a huge benefit to owning a house which is when you retire you will have less housing cost! I think this couple is going to be very successful. A few tweaks and they will be golden. I don’t believe in the auto pay for cards for them because they will pay and you will go in there to ensure all charges are correct and it takes one second to pay then. Also if you have different accounts let’s say a saving for travel and a travel month the card is mostly going to come from that account, then you have to worry about correct accounting and possible double payment. I think only good for people who don’t pay on time and maybe for the guy to view it differently.

[@FireflyOnTheMoon]

Ramit, you have to stop flying. It's just destructive.

[@radical8039]

He has a tech job but he doesn’t know how to set up an auto-payment for a credit card? Give me a break!

[@sabrinab9991]

There is definitely some good conversation with each individual. The thing is though they are not married so their finances should not be joined.

[@cmay4242]

225 at 1 rep 😂

[@MeghanGriffin-be8wu]

F 11:32 11:32

[@menteabierta8241]

What a lucky, good life …… darn it.

[@Ethebarberpodcast]

This women is leading in the relationship. All she wants a smart, strong intelligent man that tells her no from time to time. A man with a vision for the tribe. But this guy is too week and emotional. The woman unfortunately has to level up and take on the masculine energy that he is lacking. This makes a woman suffer and the weak man suffer too.

[@jennifermoffitt4635]

The have a lot more money than me and my husband

[@Dereece10]

I thought this was a raw adult podcast. Why are we bleeping curse words now? Are we a bunch of 12 yo's watching this now?😢

[@milivaro]

Apparently 12 year olds are watching. Parents have commented in older videos that they want to watch with their children.

[@postmorbus]

Please - for the love of all that is holy - separate your newsletters. It is way too much on way too many topics with way too many audiences targeted. Let people sign up for various themed NLs.

[@johnlu9809]

So she is a control freak and she wonders why she feels like a parent. It is her own doing.

[@cokedclassic7627]

When you have a spouse with substance abuse the trauma can manifest into this.