I Get Burned Out When I Try To Achieve My Goals

[@MrBebopChamploo]

"You have to let go of the Chad in order to become the Chad" haha, this is a funny way to hear it phrased but it's true - if you can accept, love, and embrace yourself for who you are, then you will have real confidence and a better ability to actualize your goals, because you'll be working towards them as a practice in loving and enriching yourself rather than using negative emotions to whip yourself into action. I'm glad I'm starting to understand that now.

[@Falonvel]

Why does Dr K keep calling me out specifically in these workplace videos? First learning to say no and now this? So rude.

[@unclesunbro1577]

Better question. How does he consistently post about the issues related to my own problems? Can totally relate.

[@mister_manager]

@@unclesunbro1577 I think that person's just kidding around, not actually complaining

[@zeidrichthorene]

These come from a very common root that I'd argue that actually most people fall into. Especially younger people. Why do we do things? For many people we do things because we have to, because we need to be better, because we're not good enough yet. Other people might be, but not us. When we are people pleasers, this is because we don't feel good enough, so we want people to tell us we are, and are terrified that they might tell us we've disappointed them. So we don't say no, and in fact, we'll eagerly lie to avoid failing to meet someone's expectations. In this case, the caller needs to be better. He tells himself that he's not good enough, he's a failure. This creates stress prompting him to act to avoid that shame. He has trouble doing things for himself, because he's not worth it. He can help other people, because they are, but he's shit. Maybe if he brings value to other people that will make him feel less like shit. Nope. Still shit. In almost all of these cases the initial seed comes from outside, we get taught that we're not enough as we are. Gifted kids are particularly rough because we have our own expectations set at a high bar, we are told "you are gifted" and then that becomes normal. Being proficient isn't celebrated, it's normal. Being normal is something to be ashamed of. Falling behind is a tragedy. So, from an early age, this voice starts to come from within. But even if you don't have that upbringing, you get taught you NEED to do this because staying how you are isn't good enough. You need to get a good job, you need to be successful, you need to get married and have kids, and people readily use shame to try to prompt behavior. "Take a shower or girls will think you're disgusting". This is a hard trap to get out of, because we get buried by shame. We can't do the things we want to do, because the things we have to do are innumerable. We can't even consider whether the things we need to do actually need to be done. And as soon as we try, as soon as we start to think about what we want to do, or question what we need to do, we start being less productive. We backslide, and then the shame amplifies. So we can't think "I should shower because it makes me feel fresh and keeps my skin healthy." because who cares if you feel fresh and have healthy skin, you're a despicable disgusting excuse for a human and you need to shower just to avoid anyone finding out that's the truth. You can't work a job because you agree with the value that it's bringing to people, you do it because you need to, you need to eat, you need to save so that you don't end up a homeless vagrant without any friends, or living with their parents. You don't work out because you enjoy challenging yourself and building strength, and working towards making yourself stronger over time. You do it because you're ugly and weak and girls will never like you, they only like ripped chads. This is why people often rebound when they hit rock bottom. When you hit rock bottom, the shame means nothing. There's no "if you don't, you'll be worse" because you're already the worst. When you start to do things for yourself, there's no negative consequence, because you've already backslid as far as you can. And you can notice that caring for yourself and doing things for yourself is actually just a positive. The shame starts to not hit so hard because you've already been there, you know it's a liar. You can learn to do this without hitting rock bottom, but it takes accepting that you might backslide. It means when you feel you need to go to the gym to not be disgusting, that you can choose not to go. That this can be an OK decision that doesn't make you feel ashamed. It means when you choose to go to the gym, that it can be for a reason that's not to make yourself more acceptable, and that this doesn't make you feel ashamed. It means quitting the job that you find morally repugnant even when it might ruin you financially and being OK with that. It's confronting a lot of fear, but a lot of fear is misconception.

[@letsgoBrandon204]

@@unclesunbro1577 You think he's talking about _you_ ?! It's obvious he's talking about me! 😏

[@unclesunbro1577]

@@letsgoBrandon204 oh, good. Thought it was me.

[@Kennoniah]

“It hurts, but don’t tell me it isn’t easy.” I think I JUST realized through this video that I’ve been associating easy with comfort and pain with difficulty…when they are not directly associated at all. In fact, they might be opposed to each other. Wow.

[@pessanha96]

🤯

[@oceanfung4140]

time stamp please? (so we can all find it)

[@marsdriver2501]

@@oceanfung4140 somewhere around 32:40

[@snippysnacks9193]

Such a great video. In my psychology of personality class, I learned about the theory that our goals/actions can be built on either approach or avoid tendencies. For example, you can work to approach success or work to avoid failure. It really made me start to think about how much of my life was about avoiding bad things versus striving for good things. I like the analogy of guilt as a whip/weapon. I feel like anxiety and fear can function the same way. It's so true that it's not a long-term solution. Having your productivity tied to suffering paves the way for burnout pretty much every time.

[@dwsel]

I'm still cleaning just out of the fear of becoming the 'hoarder old lady' in the future 😅 So demotivating 😒

[@A_V__]

When Dr. K said “there’s another way” what did he mean? What was the other way? Can anyone explain please (I’m guessing it’s the approach option but I need an explanation)

[@dwsel]

@@A_V__ Basically there are two ways of motivation - positive (out of your will and want, you feel accomplished after you finish that thing) and the negative (out of the fear of consequences if you don't do that thing, and you feel relief at most when you finish that thing). The guest of this episode showed that it's possible to coin that negative motivation into positive results, by creating an artificial whip by asking people around to 'hold me accountable of doing that thing'. However for the longterm when you will use that type of the motivation, you will never truly feel accomplished, just a relief when it works and shame when it doesn't. You can learn more about the subject when you read about 'types of motivation' and 'positive and negative motivation studies'.

[@coolsebz]

Hmm it feels like it can really cloud your world view when you’re in the “negative motivation” state, so how do people find a way to understand what their “positive motivation” is?

[@Goaddichnixan]

That is a good summary. Fear and anxiety helped me to function on a high level with adhd. And often if you read about adhd they mostly tell you that you need external stimuluation in order to function properly - so I thougt that this is how it is supposed to be. I am now in my 30ties and had to fight through burnout and trauma the last 5/6 years and I hit bottom the last year, which was good because I had to find true solutions - and a true path to myself. Now I try to picture how I want to live, what person I really want to be. What do I like doing because it feels good long term. What do I need in terms of socializing, time for myself to process, which hours am I okay to work and what do I really want from work - what are my skills realistically - and what tasks do overwhelm me and why? So basically I try to find out who I am and what are my values - and try to create a life that fits to that. So I am motivated by positive things instead of being motivated by the fear of being rejected. And there has to be some faith that people will not leave you if you are saying no to them. That is really hard, especially if you are depressed. But if you bridged that gap und see that people are still there, you feel so much better about yourself because you resprected yourself in standing up for you needs. I found out that I can a lot of things done with ADHD - without medication and without anxiety and fear. I think most of my life I felt very overwhelmed and had so many things in my mind that I could not get an overview of things and felt like most things are out of my control. With recognising my needs and living in accordance to them I feel more in control which makes me less anxious. I also made a promise to myself to not feel ashamed. Sometimes shame can be a good thing, but for me it was not helpful because it made me feel small when I did not need to feel that way. Is was a bully in my head that needed to be stopped and that helped me a lot to feel more confident and proud in myself. Sorry for the long text. In short: Striving for being the person I really am instead of striving to be the person that I thought others wanted me to be is the difference between motivated by positive feelings and being motivated by negative feelings. The first will make you feel confident, independent and safe and the latter will make you feel self-conscious, insecure and dependent.

[@pbroski92]

I was like that, but now I’m on the way to being better. For me it stemmed from feeling the need to be exceptional. To stand out. To be someone people look up to and use as a role model. It lead to me being a tryhard and a perfectionist. I needed to have something for people to think “wow, I’ve never seen a person like this in the flesh” leading to trying to be like that larger than life persona for people who don’t even know me. Took me two kids and to hit 30 to see that and ever since I thought “good enough is fine” and gave myself some slack, things have started going my way more times than not :) And it gave me the ability to see the pattern I was following. The interviewee is living through the same pattern. I wish for him to find peace and cut himself some slack 💪 This talk is awesome and hitting the nail on the head :)

[@raaz9763]

"For me it stemmed from feeling the need to be exceptional. To stand out." You hit me in the face. I haven't noticed it. Thank you

[@TheCalucita]

@Thanayut Maktheppong what worked for me was starting by accepting myself as I am. I needed external validation but i started actually acknowledging myself: am I the best cook? No, but i can cook one damn good meal and that's pretty good anyway. In short: acknowledging that I am actually good at some things. Not good at most things, but I can kick ass in a couple. Am I gonna break a world record and be famous, lol, not likely, but I am still worthy of care and love. At the same time I also started walking away from working out of shame: i was ashamed because i hadn't cleaned, or my kitchen was a mess, or laundry was due. I stopped working out of being ashamed of how things were and reframing it as "care tasks": future me is gonna be so happy to cook in a clean kitchen. And following up with: thanks younger me for doing the thing, it is nice to have a clean kitchen. And the one other thing that helped me reframe a lot of stuff was: "if it is worth doing, it is worth half-assing*". Is it worth exercising? Yes. Do i have the energy to do a 1h routine? F no. Is it worth doing 5 minutes of some movement anyway? Heck yeah. (And half the time i end up fully doing the thing cuz i already started. But even if i dont do the whole thing, we got some progress. And that's good enough :) ) That's how i started. It may not be what works for you, but i hope it gives you something to think about. * Some conditions apply. Please do not half ass any task in which lives may be risked. 🤪

[@BeanBrickz]

@Thanayut Maktheppong I struggled a ton with this, too, and am also starting to improve after years of working on myself. @TheCalucita already said this extremely well, but I really want to emphasize one of their points. What paralyzed me the most was the attitude of “anything worth doing is worth doing well.” Starting ANY task felt impossible because I told myself I had to do it perfectly. I therefore felt I had to wait until I was ready to perform and really throw myself into whatever I was doing. But I never felt ready, so I procrastinated and eventually just didn’t do anything at all. It was easier for me to accept skipping a midterm and receiving a zero, for example, than it was to show up and get anything less than an A. I failed a lot of things and often spent multiple days just laying in bed, too overwhelmed to do anything at all, not even shower. What has helped me the most is changing that phrase to “anything worth doing is worth doing badly.” I literally repeat this to myself multiple times a day now. It was super uncomfortable at first, but the previous system failed so catastrophically that I was willing to try anything. I started small. If I procrastinated a paper ‘til the last day and only had it 30% done 10 minutes before the deadline, instead of giving into the intense shame and not submitting anything, I forced myself to submit it anyway. It was horrifying, but after doing it a few times it seriously took this immense pressure off. No matter what I submit, even if I get 15%, that is still 15% more than a 0. If I never studied until the morning of the exam, hadn’t even gone to classes, I went and wrote it anyway. Every little bit counts. Allowing myself to do things badly means I don’t HAVE to be ready to do it perfectly before I begin. So I can begin much sooner. It started with school, but this seriously has changed my life everywhere. Working out, cleaning, hygiene, socializing, work, hobbies, cooking, responding to texts. Strict perfectionism is a HARD mindset to overcome, but imo it is the best thing you can do for yourself. I’m not even perfect at keeping this attitude lol but I am trying my best and it’s working! Let go of the impossible standards and let yourself breathe for once. I hope this helps. Edit: even applies to this KZbin comment lol. I told myself to just write a couple sentences because I wanted to share my experience and ended up with this.

[@BeanBrickz]

@Thanayut Maktheppong no problem at all. Good luck!

[@sarahg3156]

Perfectionism is killer! Also on my own journey of admitting my imperfections and accepting them with grace towards myself. I really like the idea of "good enough is fine", and it's absolutely essential with KIDS too, there's just toooooo much to handle to make things perfect. See the deal was, I grew with a father and a brother who were a bit larger than life. People gravitated towards them and completely ignored me most of the time. It even just happened the other day. I ran into someone I hadn't seen since highschool from our old church group, and after asking how I was, they immediately switched to my brother. I felt the old irritation and anger again of being pushed aside for someone else more "interesting". It's so hard to overcome!

[@Soul_Of_A_GracelessTarnished]

Professional classical pianists here. Practice daily (used to be 6-8 hours a day) and u used to work out regularly. Did not make me happy. Was more miserable than ever with that status and realizing it didn't give me what I wanted. Also based too much of my self worth on that status which didn't end well

[@allanc_me763]

Watching this video made me realized something. I was actually a smart kid, esp when it comes to academics. So growing up, people around me expected me to be a dr, an engr, a lawyer or whatever high paying jobs out there. But I wasnt able to finish college due to financial reasons and thats when my depression started. It is probably because I always see achievements = self worth. Also like Nithan, I always look for external validation before I even start anything.

[@dwsel]

This is a very similar thing to me being able to do cleanup in workplace or in the shared space with the friends, or at my family house, but my place is always a total mess. It's like not being able to do things consistently. Just as if I wasn't able to make promises to myself. Like the only motivation is to be helpful to others but not to myself. Like only other people can make me accountable, but I can't myself.

[@apokolypx]

same

[@gumi_twylit2605]

this is problematic for me because sometimes i observed that i am always pondering to myself my self-worth as days become mundane and the things we see and do are becoming repetitive... so what im thinking is that i should do something not ordinary for me and that makes me motivated to do my usual things after because now i am looking forward on what gonna do next

[@x3xmikey333]

@@IllIlllI your "advice" is neither practical, nor helpful, to op. Sounds weird, but maybe keep it to yourself? :)

[@IgraineDraco]

I do help others with general stuff (E.g. Cleaning) most of the time, but if it's related to tech or specific stuff that I can teach them how to do (E.g. backup data, how to search for stuff, etc.), then I won't do it for them next time (Except for elderly people tho, at that age people often forget so might as well do it for them as much as possible).

[@IronShovel]

@@x3xmikey333 that last sentence feels very truculent

[@KringusKrang]

First off, this is a great video and started me to think a lot about my own situation. What sucks is that when I "crack my guilt whip", I just get depressed and anxious, and end up just shutting my self off, it doesn't actually do anything to help me achieve my goals. Weeks at a time pass and it feels like I can't do anything I strive for. I want to be an artist for a living and I just get stuck, over and over, I get stuck in this endless mind loop of guilt and negative emotion. I don't feel confident in my art which stops me from doing it and when I do art I feel bad that I'm not better. It becomes so much easier to just drown out these thoughts with youtube videos and video games. I would love if I could just tell my life story on a Dr K. video. I am going to go to a therapist, but I would just love if me going through these shitty things could at least bring some good to the world.

[@alyssao.9577]

100% in agreement, I feel the same way.if only there were more people like Dr. K in the therapy world. Unfortunately it's really hard to find someone like him who accepts Medi-Cal (state insurance) :'(

[@carlos-sk9sj]

I’m pretty sure he has a link to apply for “interviews” like these in the description, and I want to encourage you to check it out! I think I would get a lot out of your story, I’ve been through similar struggles regarding my art and in the end I gave up on pursuing it professionally.

[@chadyonfire7878]

Listen to the old Steven Zapata vidéos it will help

[@DracowolfieDen]

Commenting here and sharing is a part of that! And it has helped me. You explained my life exactly word for word too, ahaha. I used to make art all the time--partly because a school environment means you always have paper in front of you--but since graduating I've really just stopped. While making art all I can think about is how if I was actually consistent at this, then I would be good at it still. If I did figure drawing, then I could draw anything. If I could just do x, then I would get y. Which as this video says... is like a whip. It's not fun anymore. Anyways, thank you for sharing too!

[@bnhi4520]

hi! thank you for sharing this comment bc I struggle with the same issue. it makes me feel good just to know it's not just me. I think sometimes I can let go of my expectations and feel so relieved. but then sometimes I fall back into the same pitfall. it would be such a huge help if Dr. k interviewed someone with this problem. I've also applied several times but haven't gotten a response. but let's keep doing the inner work and try to figure it out for ourselves!!

[@spectralisation]

Man, this hit close to home. Had I heard something like this 12 years ago, it would've saved years upon years of my life doing difficult stuff (Design master's degree, various "ambitious" projects that usually went nowhere, etc.) just to appease expectations of (hypothetical) other people that I myself placed upon myself just in order to fix my damaged self-image, my own dissapointment in myself and guilt, born out of certain inadequacies and lack of certain skills or abilities. I've probably procrastinated more hours in my life than I've actually worked, almost all my efforts failed to bring any meaningful change in my life, and now at the age of 35 I've burned myself out to such a degree I'm almost incapable of working anymore - the internal resistance is so strong it sometimes causes brainfog and various psychosomatic symptoms. All because of this guilt-driven motivational mechanism, plus years spent cultivating an inauthentic self-image and a very forced "career" as a freelance designer (an other things as well). Much like this lad, I also rely heavily on external validation and accountability, and for years haven't been able to finish any project just for myself (I always need at least some kind of deadline or responsibility towards another person). I'm now looking at switching careers to my only real true love - sound recording/sound design/music - but life has gotten objectively very hard, and my physical and mental state no longer allows me to push myself. I genuinely fear it might be too late to dig myself out of this hole, despite finally being honest with myself about my needs, goals and also past mistakes.

[@thezu9250]

35 is still incredibly young. Visualize yourself at 60 and feeling this way. Sometimes just making SOME progress towards your goals will alleviate a lot of this inner turmoil. Otherwise youll keep visualizing an idealized goal attained life that will just make you feel worse as you get older.

[@kevinkurgansky4479]

Very relatable man. Thanks for sharing. How’s it been since you first posted? Any progress or meaningful breakthroughs?

[@spectralisation]

@@kevinkurgansky4479 I wouldn't say "breakthroughs", but I've made a few decisions here and there to clean up my schedule and be able to concentrate on my goals as much as possible; main one being - accepting the neccessity to ask for help, and actually asking my mother to help support me financially myself through my currently ongoing foray into film sound work; separating my life-work environments as much as currently possible. Reduced outside pressures, however, allow me to more clearly perceive my own internal conflicts and limits. I feel I'm still a long way to go yet to really solve the problems and align myself with my consciously chosen course in life. But I'm slowly working on it.

[@togfanatic3781]

35 its not too late its not a race anyway . start slow and dont move goalpost to try and compensate just slow and steady

[@Thalanox]

It's still wild to me that there are people who do not live in a near constant state of brain fog. I'm somewhat in the same boat regarding academics, and I've taken a physical and outdoors job that's keeping a sense of movement, at least. I'm at a crossroads now, because I feel like I've maximized what I can do in my current position after a couple of years, and it's not enough to live on in this predictability worsening economy. It's either time to go finish my stem degree, start picking up certifications for my current field and switch to other work, or take opportunities to start something new in event organization to try to leverage my organization ability that I sometimes have when the brain fog is briefly lifted now and then. I still constantly get the "I can't make my mind do what I want it to do no matter how hard I push, beg, or plead". The ability to think of and be able to coherently _list_ ideas is what is currently holding me back he most, but every step later on in the chain is also a problem.

[@citrakbirowo]

This convo is stabbing me deep inside. Thanks dr. K, this is an eye-opening conversation.

[@orion10x10]

Seriously! I always say I have a weird type of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (Diagnosed) where it only happens when I'm alone (although it can get really bad) it's great to hear about other people having the same problem

[@leifdux7277]

24:54 "Why do you need the world to love you? Because you don't love yourself." Ow, in the feels ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡

[@rtyzxc]

Gaining confidence in yourself through achievements and being "chad" is a neverending battle. I know people who are very good in something but they don't get satisfaction from doing good, it's always "I could be better", "must do more", and failures are painful for them. The thing is, this can create results, but the thing to realize is that you are never going to satisfy yourself with this mindset, it's just the illusion of "one more thing until I will feel good". Real confidence comes from being okay with failure, being okay with the bad parts of you. Let's think about 2 type of chads. 1: Arrogant chad with results, they do good, but their confidence depends on things going well, so even though they are strong and chad, they are also kinda fragile. 2: Humble chad person, with a relaxing, confident aura around them. When you interact with this type of person, they might not even make the right call every time, but they stay calm and happy, because their confidence is internal, and they are okay with not being good at everything. This type of person tends to be chill about losing in party games and such. However, in acceptance of failure, there is a trap. You may have met people who take pride in being a loser and have a toxic aura towards success. This is not confidence, this is invalidating and pushing down other people, mental gymnastics to make you feel somehow superior about being a loser. Then there are "confident losers", being "confidently mediocre". When I was successful at school, I actually didn't realize or appreciate these kind of people at all, I simply thought people with low results were losers. However, being able to accept mediocrity or failures is no small feat, it's something even me or many technically successful people can't manage. This is pure confidence, and only later I became able to appreciate it. And there you have 4 archetypes combinations of success/losing and confidence/non-confidence, and as you can see, they are pretty much separate things. Now, it all comes down to what you mean by wanting to be a "chad". Is it success or confidence? Or both? Overall, in many cases where people think they want to be more successful, they probably actually just want to feel better about themselves eg. have more self-confidence, which they falsely believe comes with success. (Also, after writing this, I realize in many places I would replace "confidence" with "self-acceptance". Confidence is about believing in your ability, where success can definitely help, while self-acceptance would be feeling good about yourself.) But is gaining self-confidence enough? After becoming confident/self-accepting, I DO find myself wanting to do better than bare minimum, do things that make me proud of myself. There's nothing wrong with wanting to achieve things, but be careful about the motivation of why you are doing it. If you do it to not feel bad and inferior about yourself, it's not going to fix it. In comparison to past, I've noticed that there's less desire to impress people to gain clout, to be superior. I increasingly want to do art stuff primarily for myself, or feeling good after giving someone directions on street even though nobody was watching, just knowing I did a good thing, (and without having to brag about it online like this). For how to gain confidence then, I'm not entirely sure, it depends on so many factors like your past life. In general, having seen the internet develop, I just see more and more forgery and cherry picked peak content that's just too good to be true and not how average real life works. This translates to modern fictional writing and characters being extremely idealized as well, making you feel bad about your life. If there's a trick to my confidence, it would be assuming that everyone has it worse than it looks. If you have a problem, it's probably not just you, as humans we all are prone to similar problems.

[@alfaindomart1766]

Comment like this made me wish youtube has a bookmark-comment feature

[@pika1111]

Good comment 😊

[@lisanneschop7317]

I've been dealing with this for the past years. And I have some advice for anyone going through the same stuff: build habits. Think about how you want your mornings to be (not what you want them to look like to other people, but the morning routine you value and like, such as eating a healthy breakfast because you value your body and health). And start building habits. It takes 40 weeks for a habit to become stuck, so build habits after one another and not all at once. If you do it all at once, you'll get overcumbered. Start with an achievable goal and build up slowly. You're welcome. And, you're definitely capable of doing it. Your value as a human being doesn't depend on how much money you make or how attractive you are, if you're a nice and genuine person, you're already god damn priceless.

[@sarahg3156]

This. Take the time, and slowly build habits that will move the needle forward.

[@SuperLotus]

I recently found out there's apps that turn habits into a video game. When you do habits/to-do list items irl, your character gets gold, exp, mana, and damages monsters you fight. I'm using Task Hero, but Habitica and Habit Hunter are others (there might be more besides those).

[@ZurditaDinamita]

The "one-by-one" tip is so important! I personally feel my actual self too far away from my "ideal self", so sometimes I just can't choose one routine to achieve, and I try a 180° change in my life. Spoiler: It doesn't work 🙃 I'm way better than some years ago, now I care my body and social relationships, but it's has been thanks to tiny steps, week by week, and not giving up if I skip a routine one day or two. The important thing is that now I have the habit! ✨✌🏻✨

[@di3486]

Most of this issues stem from an ego problem. I also had these issues and I did not find peace until I stopped obsessing about being “better” or feeling smarter and attaching my happiness to it. Currently, going through the PhD I always dreamed of doing, I no longer link being a Dr to my worth as a person. That need to feel better than others is a low level narcissism (which is normal) but it is toxic for your life.

[@corneliahanimann2173]

How did you come around to change this?

[@rhamby3470]

Yeah im pursuing masters in aero engineering and I wonder if I'm only in it to make my parents proud and not feel worthless

[@corneliahanimann2173]

@@rhamby3470 you already made it through bachelors, what's there not to be proud of bro?? That's hecking awesome! I used to be great at physics and math, but now I stopped believing that I'm gonna do calculus and physics including calculus.

[@rhamby3470]

@@corneliahanimann2173 well not yet, I'm doing a program that let's me finish one degree while making progress on the other. I appreciate it though, I do tend to delegitimize myself lol. I hope you're at least doing something you enjoy and are proud of because that's what matters

[@corneliahanimann2173]

@@rhamby3470 Idk man, Iam working at the same time and I think have built up a lot of resentment for studying as a whole...

[@chuuuu1131]

The timing between this video and my life is scary

[@cs1045]

Feeling called out, feeling called out, feeling called out, feeling called out.

[@life4god14]

Ya me to

[@Valentino016]

To fucking real lol

[@pika1111]

Same here. I am freaking nervous about me IELTS test.

[@Rompelstaump]

"Never again!" 21:41 Create a stimulus Using guilt as a tool in the short term. Long term: Visualizing what life would be like after achieving these goals.

[@vovandarius]

This is not the point of the video (no personal offense) even though what you have listed can be useful for some at a particular point in their life

[@chandanbanakar333]

​@@vovandarius what is it ?

[@togfanatic3781]

yea this is not a good summary

[@silverboiiii4205]

honestly, it might've been focusing on things that were not the point of the video, but they were so damn educational for me as a future doctor. You're master in specialist-patient communication, sir. I've literally been writing down some of your sentences. I mean ones like 'tell me why do you think things look like that?', 'i'm sorry i interrupt but i want to stop on this thing for a moment', 'that feels important, but i want to focus more on...' They really show that you're aknowledging patients feelings and respect them, but you have your plan of the session, and control it so it can be efficient help. If you'd just interrupt without explaining why, patient could feel like you're not respecting what he has to say, or them in general. It really made me think a lot how bad at communicating were doctors that i met... and not only doctors, ig some people seem rude just because they can't communicate, not because they are themselves. I aspire to be doctor who can treat patients like that. It's such a shame my med school doesn't teach us this skills, and it makes me even happier that you and your channel exist! Thanks a lot, sir

[@Raumplestomp]

This video helped me to understand how to think about procrastination, guilt, and other negative emotions that have been holding me back recently. I suffer from bipolar 2 and ADD. Much love, from north Florida.

[@Rompelstaump]

Omg! You are so right 👍 The guilt of procrastination feels awful. I love when Dr k says how does that feel? Do you want to feel that way? What are you willing to do to avoid that feeling?

[@bluesun2001]

Now he's so lucky to have this recorded and on youtube for the rest of his life! So we learned that we get "burned out" by our twisted expectations and our brain deceiving us. I really need to go to the gym right now, but my brain sabotages me and pretends to be tired. I'm gonna dress up and go. Cheers!

[@abovebeyondrealestatephoto]

This put words to things ive never been able to describe. Thank you for this gift and all the gifts you give the world via your videos.

[@sarahg3156]

Amazing convo. Visualizing the person I want to create in my head, and then thinking about how that person will feel and function is so powerful. Because often a whole new set of issues emerge, things and complications we wouldn't even know existed. I loved the idea as well of deciding on the one thing that would help me feel proud of myself when I accomplish it over time. I also find myself using negative emotions and outside accountability to motivate myself, and predictably enter a burnout cycle. My husband and I joked about putting a whip on the wall to remind ourselves to keep going lol

[@jared8411]

I get burned out trying to articulate my goals. Oh, and writing a resume? Almost instant burnout.

[@samanthadalloo8232]

I feel like we are taught these dysfunctional ways of existing by cultures that are very stern and rigid, that establishes who we are by what we achieve. This is behavior driven by unrealistic expectations that focus on what we do over who we are. It fosters hating ourselves because it is so hard to ever measure up.

[@samanthadalloo8232]

Crying! People can be so far removed from what is happening inside. We will do anything to distract ourselves from being a friend to ourselves.

[@theoldaccountthatiusedtous6767]

I used to try to help people without feeling good about myself, and it was from a fearful-avoidant attachment perspective. I would neglect myself because I thought I had to.

[@Jessica-ld4bs]

Oh my God, I just realized I use helping people as a form of escapism. (And a means to validation.)

[@jeanclaudevanslamme]

Performing under a deadline is a pathway to always being disappointed, because you could just do that all the time instead of only after a week of feeling bad about it.

[@ananthepan2424]

Amazing. Not the struggle, but the video, the people here, the comments and the community that you've built. I've been stuck on this exact dilemma for about two years. Well, it's been longer but these past 2 years it's really just hit its peak. I'm just now realizing that it has also been affecting my social life a whole LOT. I used to wonder why I always felt so unhappy in the friendships I built in the past 3 years. Finally realized that this doesn't affect me in only one area of life, but it is in absolutely everything I do, say and think, and so, also my realtionships. I just read a comment on someone sharing their experience and struggle and what they've learnt throughout the years and holy shit that comment helped me realize so many things. I've just recently realised that I also share this struggle. I guess its been about 5 months eversince I've been able to put my finger on it. Brought it up in therapy but that didnt work.. I think this really is something that you need to dig deep for. Or at least that's what it's going to take for me to get rid of my mentally unhealthy way of coping and living. I'm in high school, a lot happened but to sum it up, academically, I went from being a top scorer to a slacker. As far as family goes, I think that that's where all this came from for the most part. Im not gonna rant about my personal life too much on here but yeah a lot of tough things have happened that I wasn't able to deal with at that age. Im currently a straight 4/10 student. Went from wanting to become a neurosurgeon to wanting to die. I'm doing better now though. No longer wanting to die. Finally able to see through the suffering rather than it all being a big cloud that I cant even fathom. A lot of internal shit needs to be resolved like the emotional struggle that I've had from not dealing with past emotions and opinions. But you know, gotta do what you've gotta do to make all of this worth it. More power to you, and I'm proud that you are able to express your struggle. Whether it's publicly, to god or just to yourself. The first step really is realizing that you want to get better. You got this and as you can see, you're not alone, or at least not anymore.

[@Strenkoo]

Only a couple minutes in and I just have to say that this guy is really well spoken. I struggle a lot trying to vocalize my thoughts in a good way, and I feel like he does it very well.

[@AllTheArtsy]

This falls really in line with the Four Tendencies- upholders, questioners, obligers and rebels. Caller is clearly an obliger. "I can't hold myself accountabke. You have to do it." In which case external validation is the only way things get done. I think that's an area where being online helps. You can just tell your online following, however small or large that might be, what you want to achieve and they can be the external motivators to keep at it.

[@syndeybinch]

Never thought about it this way but that makes so much sense! I can do anything as long as my mom bsf and 7 active twitter mutuals are proud of me😤

[@realkshitijraheja]

What are the other types can you explain please

[@kevinkurgansky4479]

@@realkshitijrahejagoogle it. Rebel. Upholder. Obliger. Etc.

[@Rompelstaump]

Omg! Dr K is 👍😃👍 I'm beaming. Identifying why I feel bad, visualization of what I need to do to avoid those negative circumstances, and visualizing the end result of my goals. The guilt of procrastination feels awful. I love when Dr k says how does that feel? Do you want to feel that way? What are you willing to do to avoid that feeling?

[@claudialuna9216]

Subscribed! Although I didn’t understand the “chad” reference, i understood the shame and dislike of self. I felt like i walked into someone’s therapy session and i wish I could hug both, so beautiful

[@salvie777]

My man, look into adhd, autism, or “audhd” (when adhd and autism occur comorbidly). We have an EXTREMELY similar experience and brain operation and it always kept me stagnant and paralyzed within myself for my entire life… until I found out I’m autistic and how to understand my brain and accommodate my brain and needs. This keeps me from even doing hobbies, it’s a HORRIBLE way to live and makes you feel like a shell of yourself..

[@Madchris8828]

I relate to this guy so much. Felt like Dr. K put a dagger in me when he said doing something external will never give you internal confidence in yourself. That hurt... bad

[@SKJune06]

I have never related to anyone as much as I relate to Nitin in this. Thank you for sharing your story.

[@ashleyfoss4718]

Same!!! I nodded through the whole thing. I live on the opposite side of the globe from this guy, and yet I feel the exact same.

[@shinydefault9588]

I think everyone as a child did things to impress someone, I mean you'd be rewarded for it in many ways. Is it when there's no reward (when you're expected to take responsibility for yourself) that you have no choice but to look for that something which needs no reward for you to work on... something I was wondering while watching this video.

[@ChrisE1415]

Never considered before classifying my motivation into negative and positive. I find only negative motivation seems to work for me. Thinking of things I've done to improve myself from the perspective of whether I motivate myself in a positive or negative way I find over wellmingly the things I succeed at come from negative motivation.

[@redcco3123]

Never dissappoints, the timing is always perfect... Im sitting here and thinking how can I get a burnout with 24 already, im working since im 16 and set my goal that until I´m 30 I want to earn 100k yearly (i know for some it may sound a bit dumb as goal) but i grew up with financial insecurities etc. Now im 24 and earning around 67k so its slowly getting there, but I just cant handle the stress anymore, i sleep shit and eating regualary or doing sports is something i forgot a long time ago. I have no more power to work even a job for less money or doing something different (I´m IT Consultant at the moment), meeting friends or socializing is also something that became just too exhausting for me, i cant clean up anymore in my own flat so i get a cleaner once a week, cooking is something unbearable i hope my gf makes me something or i just smoke as much as i can so i forget it. But when I think about working as an Internal IT guy or something, i just think to myself it was all worthless all the effort all the things i´ve learnt and are not useful anymore as i dont need the skillset overall, I just cant get it in my head to give it up and see that im not capable of achieving this in my worklife. Overall im just having huge anxiety and sometimes depression, i can go through the day, many people have it way worse I bet, but its just something I cant get my head around with.

[@August3S]

Your goal doesn't sound dumb, don't worry. And best of luck.

[@August3S]

Hope you find a better way to live and sustain yourself.

[@luma7777]

Burnout can come even at young age

[@Billob850]

There's no set age for burnout, and you have been pushing yourself very hard. I know its very hard to feel, i struggle with it myself, but just because someone somewhere has it worse doesnt invalidate your struggles. I know that despite my struggles, i wouldn't want to trade struggles with you. So yeah, maybe somebody has it worse than you, but there are people who have it far easier that are struggling as well. I hope you can figure out how to get the rest and personal time you need.

[@Falonvel]

I'm 31 in the IT world and I just hit your goal. It is possible to reach at a stable company that values its people and gives them upward momentum. I suggest looking for a nonprofit. They tend to care more for their employees because they aren't pushing so hard for shareholder profits. I work 40 hours a week for a place that cares about my ambitions AND home life. But I had to take a step down (start as an admin assistant) to get my foot in the door at 26. Life isn't always a linear path and if you're already killing yourself to get there, you may realize the goal wasn't worth the cost in the end. Wishing you the best of luck on your journey!

[@ahmaditani8168]

Thank you so much Nithin for sharing this experience with us, and thank you so much Dr. K for these wonderful insights. The line of questioning always reminds me of Socrates: you drill the person's line of thinking with questions until they realize what's generating the thoughts to begin with, and this results in an insight. I think that's beautiful.

[@StarBrlight]

When he was asking him about why he wants to become that type of person and how he feels thinking abokut how he would be if he were to become that person was so relatable and i was like fk i got got by dr k on my first vid back

[@zibbitybibbitybop]

Cripes, way to accurately pinpoint my entire life pattern regarding a lack of intrinsic motivation and burnout. Guess the silver lining is that I'm hardly the only one who goes through this.

[@tintintin070]

you know you're leveling up when you know what dr. k's gonna ask before he asks it

[@Ello927]

Gotta forsake the path of the Chad to become the Chad 👁

[@Vantorea]

Were gonna see this line in the future books about great thinkers. Right next to Buddha and Kungfutse.

[@Kingofspaids]

​@@VantoreaThat's the truth

[@JDragon272]

Or in my case - I had Goals, but instead, it feels like these things… 1: Failing at them, to instead feel like all the thing I plan… are “Not Meant To Be”. 2: Having to “Accept Reality”, to pay the price by going over my head on things. And did so by now by living off of paycheck to paycheck, and nothing more, hit dead-end, or accept my limits, and nothing more. 3: Felt like now my Goals were nothing but Pipe Dreams, and I chased after them, like Chasing a Rabbit, only to Lose It… and now look around, and Got Lost myself. The drawback now is, everyday I feel like an “NPC”, like I’m now Programmed to do what I do. So, this is me now. Now living with regret, that I could’ve done better… but can’t now. Pay the Price, is what I’m to do now.

[@stevehoran6132]

I agree with this 100%, I would like to also add this reason is why self-accountability groups exist, and I would love to set up a self-accountability group with people on discord if anyone wants to join, just drop a comment and we can set something up. The way I see in issue like this is, your sorta setting yourself to be a pig chasing a carrot on a stick you may or may never have, but in the pursuit of chasing the carrot you will do allot of productive things in the meantime and so if you are able to chase the carrot while in the mean time doing so many things you want to do you stop seeing how valuable the carrot is and appreciate what you have done so far in the pursuit of the carrot. I also agree with how strategies that involve guilt are only good in the short term as the intial burst for motivation following that it is all on you to try and find joy in the pain that makes your life meaningful. Because ultimately these grand goals we set for ourselves is what makes us think the life we are living is a meaningful one. If you are able to slowly fall in love with the process of bettering yourself every day, then it won't be hard work anymore. glorify the prospect of going to the gym feelings good, learning new skills, also remember what is pushing you. embrace that dark side to make you confront pain and make the pain all the pleasure in the world. And if that pleasure never comes after going into that dark side then honestly you will need time to reset because using the darkside is only a good short-term strategy and will lead to sever burn out. But if you use it, and in its wake, you become more then you could imagine then you would have cracked the code to being productive, and I think being happy in life. one of the beauties of the mind is its ability to reframe.

[@tray84]

bro this was so long i started accidentally skimming thru it and then missed the whole second half

[@stevehoran6132]

@@tray84 sry about that I'll try to sumerize. 1. Embrace self hate/acoutability to bring one to do the things you have to/want to do 2. Try and find joy in the pain 3. Once you do that you can live a happy life

[@renseal475]

To me it feels a bit off to use the expression "is your mind your enemy", because it is actually trying to help, just gotten habituated unhelpfully. I do understand though that the expression is used for the person and how they **feel** about how their mind seem to be working with them and to help them along in how to express themselves. Great video.

[@Thalanox]

The difficulties of an ADHD brain are not limited to learned environmental experiences.

[@gumi_twylit2605]

my way of removing build up stress and burnout is when im thinking what to cook for my dinner or lunch with family, this really makes my mood always on point

[@israaalkatip9881]

Can you PLEASE have a longer conversation with Nitin!!! if he is okay with it. I feel this conversation is very important, I understand him and wish we can get better

[@SkippysBacon]

"the way you get confident is by accepting yourself for who you are"

[@NasukaStar]

"Forsake the path of the Chad to become the Chad" That's such a hilariously good quote!

[@VeridianCityCards]

Idk how I just subbed now been watching for over a year. Keep it up! Also this person interests me because I’m almost the opposite - I NEED time some to think one or two days a week, or things build up/I get frustrated not being able to reflect well enough. I also don’t tell people what I’m doing until I’ve done it now. Because it sucks building yourself up and not delivering. Since changing this, I have made two musical albums. yay

[@Cambesa]

similar situation here, i want to go to the gym to fix my back problems, but that's not enough motivation even though it's logically much better. so i need to tell someone i'm going, to guilt trip myself into actually reaching the goal for a healthy back. as if i do not care enough about my health but more about my honesty

[@SANDI_IONASHKU]

I have the same issue Maybe I'm wrong,but i assume being dishonest is the thing we can feel that it's bad ,but consequences from back problems - we don't feel them(until it's too damaging 🙆) So I'm planning to set an alarm with child voice that is asking me to play with him/and remembering that if i not fix it ,it would be too damaged to be active ,or even paralized Plus if adhd , might be healthy to combine this with a pleasant/routine activity. Like, getting on the way from work- buying that very favourite croissant in that café -then go to gym

[@gloriawatson8258]

"You must forsake the path of the chad to become the chad." Yesssss. Thank you so much for this episode. This is amazing.

[@katarzynakapusta2525]

Amazing to realize how much an Indian guy and a Polish girl can have in common when it comes to psyche - and how much this kind of advice can be helpful!

[@katarzynakapusta2525]

@scuffed math There sure are many! Poland and India fall very close on a cultural traits matrix. But also simply a common global culture with common expectations and problems.

[@liam.4454]

I normally dislike therapists but this guy is good, I've asked therapists in real life this exact question and they've shut down on me, maybe he can see things more from a male perspective than most therapists are capable of

[@kickingitwithjim8066]

this one hits a little too close too home always thankful for Dr.K and his insight

[@sibylance]

This made me laugh because I low-key match Nitin's dream image of himself - I play keys in a band, run multiple times a week, and work at a popular tech company. I'm driven by a mixture of internal and external motivators but still feel less pride than I could (i.e. this is all I could manage with the opportunities I was given?). I still have visions of how wonderful it'd be if I release original music or run a little faster or manage a team. Anyway, the desires never end. Pride comes from elsewhere (I write this as though I'm not directing it at myself!).

[@dinckelman]

This guy opened the conversation having already understood the key issue that i've been struggling to understand in my own life. This is going to be a good video Edit: 17:28 well there we have it

[@rodanart]

dudddddd Im an artist, and this happens me often. I can't finish personal work, I can only do fast stuff and then I'm tired, *unless* I am participating in a discord challenge or a contest, because I feel like there is value. I feel like I have no value whatsoever, until someone aknowledges me. I carve for validation, feeling that I'm not good enough. I'm really tired of it, I don't have clear what is my passion anymore, because everything I do seems like it is made to make others happy. This absolutely helped me. Thanks :)

[@jomama800]

I really needed to see this video. I’ve built the habit of going to the gym everyday. But that’s after having my friend motivate and bully me to go to the gym everyday for 2 or three months. Now I go on my own. Now I need to study everyday for a certification exam. The lack of motivation hurts me. But I know it just take me building the habit of doing a little bit everyday.

[@orion10x10]

Oh my god, I have the same problem as him where if I'm alone the voice in my head makes me anxious and sabotage myself. "Don't give yourself time to think" explains why I was so insanely driven to work out when I used to take Xanax everyday, I genuinely got shredded (visible abs, all of that) and worked out a ton but also I was an idiot who didn't have the capacity to think 😂 as I was taking a powerful GABA-A agonist (similar to alcohol). It wasn't worth it, I could have died from withdrawals but it makes a lot more sense now

[@konradnoises]

Dr. K is a genius. Changing people’s lives goddamn

[@NathanN6]

I don't know if its just me but I feel less connected or invested in these quick phonecall into solution videos. Not sure if anyone else feels the same way, but maybe its more of a problem to do with me.

[@missdragon5892]

Me too, I also hate the random coaching ad placed in it.

[@TheInsanePhil]

Same, I preferred the 1+hour ones, but the change makes sense since they probably got an insane influx of requests compared to like 2 years ago

[@Hawkenwhacker]

Emotion vs logic. If you're looking for a video of an emotional nature, then yes, a video that seeks the logic on how to move forward isn't going to help you connect to this video, and that's ok.

[@missdragon5892]

@Tobias John No, that is a logical fallacy known as a strawman. Just because a person prefers longer-form content does not mean they dislike this particular display of human connectivity. To assume that because of one thing, the other thing is true is a logical error. I actually prefer the longer form content, because it feels less like making a snappy decision on what a person is experiencing, and gives more time for both parties to talk about experiences.

[@Masterfully1]

In a nutshell it's an actual vs idealised self and feeling terrible about being inadequate. But there's the danger, waiting to feel good about yourself until you've achieve something, which paradoxically means that you're less likely to achieve it as you feel horrible all the time. Instead what you can do is imagine what "chad" version of you does in a day - bearing in mind that you're not a robot and can't work 100% of the time - and striving to emulate the process. If you focus on the process and let yourself feel good about sticking to the habits of your chad self, then you are your chad self, and the achievements will come.

[@magdalenas.4]

31:08 OMG!!!! 😭😭😭 This is sooooo OMG!!! Mind opening. 😢 Thank you so much for this lesson. ❤❤❤

[@LeninMcDonalds]

Love finding people who were like me at 23 going to dr k and being made to smile. I m smiling too listening to this

[@maltedextrin.]

Wow. Watching this was great! Thank you two for sharing this. You helped and will help so many people ❤

[@diligentius]

He would make a great KZbinr who could help those looking for what he's learned himself. a good way to keep himself accountable too

[@Ianorig]

I've never heard myself described by another person as exacting as this before.

[@StudentoSan]

Wow this person is me, down to his hobbies and what he tries to work on 😀

[@blabbit321]

Dr.K, I usually listen to your content while I’m driving and when it’s on Spotify, would love if you could upload these on to Spotify as well ❤

[@TheXeeman]

"Forsake the path of the chad to become the chad".

[@cuneyt3830]

ahaha so good

[@misstweeter314]

This really helped me work though some things I was struggling with. Thank you!

[@cr0wsnest]

This helped me a lot. I feel like I had a breakthrough, I've been struggling with this sort of thing for almost a decade. I couldn't understand why I can run almost daily (I have a promise with my dog.) Versus being able to work on a story project (it's just a promise with me)

[@xCCflierx]

11:40"What are the things you use to defeat the enemy that is your mind?" Me: SwRoDs!

[@assembly2593]

I identify with this conversation so much that it hurts. Thank you so much Nithin and Dr. K.

[@p_o_z_e]

This led me to some really nice self reflection, i see myself in a lot of this. Thanks for sharing Nitin and thanks Dr K

[@isaiah2957]

You were right on time with this one Doc

[@Prophetofcthulhu]

'You must forsake the path of the chad to become the chad' - print it on the T-shirt. I got a new favorite saying!

[@connorholmes8786]

Thank you Nithan!

[@serratedhumor8468]

Putting Value Into Myself Is Something I Have A Huge Problem With.

[@work_in_progress161]

10:36 "I should not be left to my own devices, they come with prices and vices, I end up in crisis Tale as old as time" ... "It’s me, Hi I’m the problem, it’s me" I could just not comment

[@smyumyu8526]

this dude speaks out my mind

[@IllIlllI]

Love seeing k grow, trying out new approaches, reaching the goal in his way! Haha!

[@ZurditaDinamita]

"Procrastination is not a problem, it's a solution" So I have resolution skills after all lol

[@charmed1593]

This conversation reminds me of the book “psycho cybernetics” by Maxwell Maltz (if I’m not mistaken).

[@Jokervision744]

Great video, I myself have been in between, more than at one end.

[@tearsintherain6311]

As someone with adhd this is so relatable

[@B_dev]

thank you dr. K, you're very helpful

[@capybara8477]

was waiting for Dr. K to say this is an ADHD symptom

[@ashleyfoss4718]

I need more info on the other way? My productivity is totally tied to avoiding guilt or embarrassment!

[@J.Darwin]

this is an absolute gem of a video

[@DevAtul]

How are people able to ask question directly?

[@TermsofService97]

So what does the alternative to negative reinforcement look like? I don't recall any part of the video where you explain what the healthier mode of action is. You just explained that "negative reinforcement is bad", and then you ended the video.

[@TermsofService97]

I've watched it again to try to get it, and I think the alternative course of action is self-respect. Not to rely on the judgement of others to improve, but to rely on your own positive self-image to push forward.

[@pigeonanimations6118]

Can we just appreciate how Dr.K never fails to help and entertain us?

[@jakelightburn]

At the end, Dr K says "it's not that procrastination is a problem, it's the solution". How is this the case? Sorry if I missed/overlooked a point in the video!

[@hydraxisjak2417]

Sorry if this is late, but the way I interpret this touches on the topic of using stress to motivate us. When you procrastinate you get that surge of motivation. That "Oh shit I need to do this by X or Im screwed!", procrastination in this case is being used by us consciously/subconsciously to get the end of a goal. So a solution in this case. A tool used by us, and a bad one in the long term. Similar to the concept discussed in the video where we use guilt to motivate us(helps for the short term, terrible long term).

[@jakelightburn]

@@hydraxisjak2417 Thank you for replying - ahh that makes a lot of sense! Guilty 😅

[@rithvikreddy226]

Is this dude reading my mind and releasing videos?

[@astrocslopes863]

Always

[@xCCflierx]

27:00 this is what I needed.

[@socku5850]

Technically, you don't need to really to the gym to get fit. You just need to go outside and walk for 30 - 60 minutes for 4 or 5 days a week . I weight about 135 pounds and 5ft 4 in. Turn off your phone or do not look at your phone when you're walking.