I Have To Do This

Mother’s Day is coming up, and also mom’s birthday is in May. So, ya gurl gets extra emosh.
My top priority and goal in my new adventure with therapy was to finally take intentional time to cope “properly”. Since mom passed, my life has always been go, go, go - because that’s what she’s taught me.
I always talk about high performance WITH self-compassion.
Moving forward, I want to acknowledge my mom’s INSANE level of intensity, focus, and grit AND ALSO celebrate HER compassionate, loving, happy side.
Even though I might not have many memories of those... they do mean more to me BECAUSE they were rare.
That side of her did exist. She’s human too. She was under so much pressure. She had no one else listening for her and being compassionate for her. Her treatment towards me was not personal. She had unmet needs screaming for help.
This is today’s video that’ll be up later on my KZbin channel. I talk about my wishes NOW... wishing I could have been wiser, more patient, more emotionally aware to be able to empathize with my mom. But also exploring that that notion itself would have been impossible. There is no way that my younger self as a child in the culture I grew up in to have any sort of expansive capacity of emotional intelligence. I need to understand that and forgive myself of that.
With my wisdom NOW, though, I choose to close my eyes. I’m listening now.
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