People are so desperate to be married and tick that box, they refuse to walk away when red flags show up during dating. They think the person will change with a ring.
@leegalloway95089 ай бұрын
and they usually do....for the worst!
@Debora.148 ай бұрын
Ooh boy, ain't that the true...you can't fix people. They have to be willing to do the work themselves. I learned that the hard way.
@Jaxmusicgal238 ай бұрын
Yep. Been going on for a while.
@101runaways7 ай бұрын
Those types of marriages are like ticking time bombs.
@skaziblu6 ай бұрын
Most people don't fully understand the work they need to do.
@sweetdreams31196 ай бұрын
You cannot say the wrong thing to the right person - because they will always ask you to explain any confusion. Real, honest communication is a beautiful thing, not scary.
@ShelleyJane6 ай бұрын
What a great comment. I like that.
@sweetdreams31196 ай бұрын
I heard it from Dr. Les Carter@@ShelleyJane
@maryp45795 ай бұрын
Exactly. Well said.
@alexisz55704 ай бұрын
Yes.
@srirachachicken4 ай бұрын
It’s so true. Took me way too long to realize it
@southernlight66 ай бұрын
She married the wrong person and needs to get out of that mess. Married only 2 years and she is miserable. It's not worth it.
@reenougle5 ай бұрын
Gaslighting 101. I lived through 14 years of wondering what I could say without sounding "stupid". Twenty years after our separation I still have remnants of the feeling.
@reneeantwi-boasiako39742 ай бұрын
I'm so sorry 🙏🏿 ❤️
@user-yf6cd9bb8t7 ай бұрын
Sometimes, people who lead really sheltered lives are the ones who are the easiest to gaslight.
@user-yf6cd9bb8t7 ай бұрын
Learning to be assertive is really hard, but that is what she has to do.
@rheinhartsilvento25763 ай бұрын
@BCTMB Vulnerable😊
@maryp45795 ай бұрын
Poor thing is twisting herself into a pretzel to make the marriage work, while her husband is happy to watch her do it, even encourages it. He is NOT a great partner. If his actions don't change, I hope she moves on to find a healthier relationship.
@saraliburd77529 ай бұрын
This guy is gaslighting and projecting-she needs to RUN
@tamaraliscia34089 ай бұрын
It is the husband. No stable, mature, responsible, loving husband would ever tell a spouse, "I'm not going to tell you how to communicate with me because that would be weird." ... not if his relationship with his wife has any value to him. The husband has locked himself in a box and is not going to even allow his wife in. I suspect he may be criticizing and blaming his wife during his one-on-one counseling sessions. I hope this woman is listening very well and follows the advice. From her tone, I'm not sure she is willing to believe she cannot fix him.
@catherinenelson41629 ай бұрын
Exactly!
@Jane5720Ай бұрын
Agree
@user-zm3ny8tw4x8 ай бұрын
This sounds like he wants control his wife by putting her down and keeping her insecure . This is immature and and cruel.
@SandraStachowiczLtd8 ай бұрын
I'm under the impression he's not just immature I'm under the impression he is emotionally abusive/manipulative John got it right in the first sentence "You've been gaslit" but then backtracked on it and suggested couples counselling Let me tell you one thing Couples counselling in abusive relationships just never works She sounds like a "fixer" Except, she can't change him Only he can change HIM
@thelifeofmaryd.24945 ай бұрын
Yeah, I noticed that too. Its because she said she wasnt going to leave. He wants to best advise them for the situation they want to be in, not the one he hopes for them. While hes not afraid to tell someone to leave a marriage when its life or death, hes not an advocate for divorce, especially when he'd basically be making the decision FOR them. When they want to stay you cant tell them anything, shes too deep in the gaslight. She has to bump her head a few times before she gets it.
@seasons16504 ай бұрын
She's not willing already to admit that this isn't going to work. Major denial.
@Shellyspurr9 ай бұрын
Whatever someone accuses you of things youre not doing, they are doing to you.
@Lynn018168 ай бұрын
That’s not always true. Most of the time it’s either because the person they’re accusing of, has done bad things before and it’s hard to believe them when they “change” as if they’re not going to fall back to old habits they did the accuser wrong. Or.. or… since the world has had many many partners, there’s always trauma for that individual whose been cheated on. So of course they will accuse the next person they’re with because of the trauma. Because of the same things the ex did that ended up with them cheating. It’s trauma. It’s fear of being hurt again
@donnellehall60938 ай бұрын
💯 especially when you are dealing with a narcissist!
@Shellyspurr8 ай бұрын
@@donnellehall6093 100%
@macairhead51375 ай бұрын
@@Lynn01816doesn’t matter. An explanation is NOT the same as a valid excuse.
@carriebell35664 ай бұрын
@@macairhead5137this! Thank you for voicing this!
@AliciaGuitar5 ай бұрын
Pretty borderline type thing when ppl are like, "if you dont know, im not telling you!" They think if you REALLY loved them you could read minds. 🤦♀️
@vaska19993 ай бұрын
Or they think whatever is the issue is obvious, that it's self-evident or self-explanatory and the other person's playing games. But this guy is just refusing to tell her anything as a means of controlling her.
@BedeliaMikk2 ай бұрын
Could you please elaborate on your comment? I am dating someone that gets offended by some stuff that I say, but not telling me what offended him, he just suddently gets quiet and treats me coldly. To not make him a complete villain, I am from eastern Europe and we tend to be pretty offensive in comparison to the westernes.
@IveInterpreter-nj7vl2 ай бұрын
The silent treatment may be a way to punish you. Tread lightly!
@FabulousCucumber-ip9huАй бұрын
He's punishing you by giving you the silent treatment. A mature person would tell you what the problem is calmly. You don't have to accept that behaviour. There are better men out there.
@activistgranny2.0666 ай бұрын
Being single isn't as bad as wanting to runaway from home as a grown adult.
@phumuzilendimande59822 ай бұрын
Thats exactly what im thinking. Better single and happy than married and miserable
@heidiainsworth43487 ай бұрын
If her husband isn't willing to at the very minimum say how shes offending him then thats on him.She showed empathy and care to ask him and he cant even answer.
@HPLaserJet2100tn6 ай бұрын
This man’s behavior is explained in detail in Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men”
@lisahall92265 ай бұрын
Great book!!!!
@ebriggs34984 ай бұрын
Also, Dr. Susan Forward’s GREAT book, Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them!
@davinasquirrel76724 ай бұрын
@@ebriggs3498 I think I may have read that one, but so very long ago. I did read Lundy's book, he nailed it.
@stephaniec52159 ай бұрын
Ugh the mother-son vibe is strong on this one. WHY MARRY A PROJECT?
@JustMeetLK6 ай бұрын
money probably
@citigirlcountrified19276 ай бұрын
Good point
@HauntedCadaver6 ай бұрын
Because women have been fed the line of "building" with broke(n) men for a few decades now.
@thelifeofmaryd.24945 ай бұрын
@@JustMeetLK What money? Havent you been listening? She knows nothing about the money! Youre projecting.
@jeremyvanb8215 ай бұрын
@@thelifeofmaryd.2494definitely. That’s what every guy who can’t get laid or got cheated on puts on all women. It’s the most basic bro response of all time. Sure some people are all about the money but not everyone of them.
@amyp665 ай бұрын
This was me 30 years ago. I lived 24 years of that and believe me it gets worse. The affair that his first wife had had and all the emotions that this brought up with him that I gave him leeway with turned out to be a damned lie. He had the the affair not her. All his bad behaviour pivoted on this awful thing that had happened to him. I was falsely accused for years of infidelity whilst to my knowledge he cheated three times. Hoarding money and denying he had it led him to accuse me of the same thing. Therapy had no effect because he lied to them also. My heart goes out to this lovely lady.
@davinasquirrel76724 ай бұрын
Whenever they accuse you of infidelity (and you are not), that 100% means they are unfaithful in whatever ways (affair, prostitutes, porn etc).
@nemishasharma573725 күн бұрын
My god. I'm glad you got out of that marriage.
@leegalloway95089 ай бұрын
when anyone says you don't trust me , it's because they want to do what ever the heck they want. they don't want anyone telling them what to do. kids say you don't trust me. i say no, because you want me to trust you so you can go do whatever you want. same with men, same with women. people don't want to be told what to do. some people think deciding together is still telling them what to do because they don't have full reign on it themselves. hate to say, but most men are like that. they want to be independent and still be married. like you're not even considered when they're making a decision, it's all about what they want.
@KatieLHall-fy1hw8 ай бұрын
Can go both ways. My husband wants to decide everything together (and strange enough the “correct” decision was me staying home as much as he wanted me to, regardless of what I was maybe trying to do. I was taking dance lessons, he hated it)
@Ad_Inferno4 ай бұрын
@@KatieLHall-fy1hwLol yes, I love it when everything is to be "discussed," but only so my husband can steamroll me - because the only "correct" decision is the one he makes.
@Shellyspurr9 ай бұрын
She needs to be real about her feelings and WHEN he devalues her feelings she needs to bear down on it. She has every right to have her emotions, she's a people pleaser like me. She will resent him
@THEENERGYINHALER2 ай бұрын
Counselors can not help a Narcissist
@rnopes21Ай бұрын
This! She's getting a chance, right now, before she gets trapped with kids, to RUN!!!!!
@schreehowarth9936Ай бұрын
I totally agree with you
@FabulousCucumber-ip9huАй бұрын
Might be BPD. It's hard to tell from this.
@nemishasharma573725 күн бұрын
@@FabulousCucumber-ip9hu potayto, potahto
@hopebell26596 ай бұрын
It’s not that he doesn’t trust her, it’s that he doesn’t respect her. He is abusive and she needs to leave. He’s using triangulation with her. She needs to get safe
@mwhe31119 ай бұрын
Good heavens, Mary - stop making excuses for him. 🙄 You can't fix him...he has to deal with this.
@loloana1438 ай бұрын
This is how my husband started too, he became super offensive over everything. We were joking one night with friends about him and some "random woman firefighter" whose picture was uploaded on the Cities FB Pages how look "we caught you with another woman" like all of us joking around. The next day he brought it up saying I was toxic for joking that he was cheating. Three days later I found a calendar with another woman. He had been cheating since I was 8 months pregnant. I found at 6 months PP.
@liannemarie25046 ай бұрын
That is absolutely horrible and disgusting and I am so sorry that happened to you!
@MsSowhat446 ай бұрын
When I brought my youngest home from the hospital after a C-section, I found hairpins in our bed. I had very short hair and didn't even own hairpins. I waited until I was healed enough from the surgery to go to work and then kicked his ass out. That baby will be 52 this Saturday. Narcissists cannot change nor can they love anyone. I hope you handed hubby his walking papers.
@truthtransistorradio67164 ай бұрын
I dated a girl for 2 1/2 months. She started gaslighting me a lot. I believe it was because she had been hurt by men before. I let her know that I understand. But I hope that I could earn her trust and that it hurts me when she does that. I asked her to have a conversation rather than assume my motives are bad.I started to cry as I let her know how I felt. Her response was breaking up with me. Looking back, I think she was a narcissist. I was doing my best to show her a man could be loving. But she always complained about something. That was only after 2 1/2 months! I can only imagine how bad it would be if we got married!
@FabulousCucumber-ip9huАй бұрын
Bullet dodged!
@laurab968718 күн бұрын
Still making her the problem lol…
@truthtransistorradio671618 күн бұрын
@@laurab9687 I'm over it. I wish her the best.
@therealdeal36725 ай бұрын
At least they don't have any kids, so far. That does make leaving a lot easier. Feeling alone two years into the marriage would be a deal breaker to me. Find a partner.
@heatherhowes60305 ай бұрын
What's the betting that she'll walk into the therapy session and find out the reason her husband's attitude has improved- is that he's been telling tales to the therapist and blaming his wife for everything
@Hatbox9486 ай бұрын
Been there, done that. Run honey, run! He's a narcissist and it only gets worse.
@FabulousCucumber-ip9huАй бұрын
....or BPD.
@karadaniel63349 ай бұрын
I heard this for years, he is gaslighting you. It’s excruciating and rarely leads to resolution. It’s not your stuff Mary! You can’t relate because you are HONEST. Where there is confusion, there is manipulation and gaslighting
@CaliCoast805_lovin_life7 ай бұрын
💯very well said, Thank you!!
@mattysheehan97864 ай бұрын
A great sign of Doc’s skill is how often he’s able to cause an emotional reaction in the callers
@AbidingHopeMentalHealthCoach9 ай бұрын
When I saw this, it felt like déjà vu. I could have been the caller a year or two ago. In the last year or so, I have finally internalized the truth that many times there is no way that I could word a sentence that would not trigger my husband in someway. It’s not about me. I can ask the most innocent question, make the most innocent comment, even say something with all good intentions in my heart, and he can misinterpret it based on his own trauma. That has nothing to do with me. Once I finally internalized that, it was so freeing! I’m only three minutes into the video, but John so far has been saying everything, exactly right, and I hope that she can listen.
@JustLIkerapunzel6 ай бұрын
Yeah I feel you. My ex became more and more extreme this way. In the end I mentioned that I think his insecurities cause him to become defensive as a coping mechanism when I want to simply share my feelings, even thou it's not about him at all, he that it would cause him to feel offended while I wouldn't even be attacking me. He ended up gaslighting and trying to manipulate me by basically chosing to want to have 1 week of jo contact cause he was overwhelmed and when I told him that crossed my bounderies he'd tell me then he'd break up. So I let him. Now 8 months post break up (without him even wanting to look me in the eyes and talk about the break up as it was OVER TEXT), he reached out to want to share his feelings. Wanted to let me know that "he forgives me" even thou "that I called him insecure which couldnhave been the worst thing a women says to a man just for sharing his feelings". Even while "i never cared to appologise". After I took the time out of my dax to reply as empathic as I could and make it clear that there was no connection to calling him insecure to him sharing his feelings and that it's rather the opposite - that he didn't share his authentic self enough by being honest, he never replied again. But I'm glad to have pointed out that as much as he never got an appology, I also accepted that I won't ever get one and that it's ok lol
@lorrainea.2855 ай бұрын
@JustLIkerapunzel It’s THOUGH NOT “thou”😫
@Morenita5709 ай бұрын
This happened to my friend! Easily offended man? he’s cheating financially or sexually or emotionally etc., Also, he did the classic cheater easily offended move and accused you of what he was already doing. If he starts pointless arguments to get out of the house… He can’t attach, because all of his lies will be revealed. It doesn’t get better.
@AlexisDavis169 ай бұрын
It definitely gets worse. It’s not possible to live through this confusion and betrayal, so you must lose yourself to stay in a marriage like this. One of the most dearest woman in my life is a shell of her vibrant, beautiful, and loving self and I can’t change it and it makes me sad. I pray for healing for all ❤
@Morenita5709 ай бұрын
Also, I no longer trust people who say they had a happy childhood and end up in abusive situations (then happy homes mean nothing) OR people who hyper focus and constantly complain about their childhood and can’t move past it.
@singerjo57918 ай бұрын
@@Morenita570 Often, it is naïveté. They just don’t know what real dysfunction is.
@Morenita5708 ай бұрын
That means you can’t really vet men then, especially if you’re innocent. It’s set up for a majority of girls to get played.
@heather714217 ай бұрын
He’s gaslighting you Mary!!!!
@cathydearborn84125 ай бұрын
I needed to hear this 40 years ago
@FabulousCucumber-ip9huАй бұрын
Same. I also wish Miley Cyrus could have released 'Flowers" 25 years ago.
@annwallace34414 ай бұрын
“My wife doesn’t have to carry that”. Hell yeah!!
@CooksArt8 ай бұрын
“He has a lot of shame because of his past, he’s going through therapy” Me 🚪 🏃♂️ Red flags all the way!!! This man will never get out of the rut he’s in if you keep making yourself a door mat for him to wipe his dirt on. Sounds like this guy isn’t invested into this marriage as much as you are. I feel bad for you because you seem like a very genuine woman who wants it to work, but also a very naive woman to think you should be in this relationship the way he is.
@AliciaGuitar5 ай бұрын
"He wants to work on it." Too often this actually means he wants YOU to magically fix it, and they think they can accomplish this through controlling you more. "Working on it" means therapy, cooperation, and communication to some of us, but something completely different to others.
@rnopes21Ай бұрын
"You're not going out of your mind. You are slowly and systematically being driven out of your mind. " - Gaslight, The Movie "RUN, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!......"
@brightpage10209 ай бұрын
Tell her what gaslighting means.
@lilithowl6 ай бұрын
Everybody knows
@Jinnyfir4 ай бұрын
@@lilithowl😂😂😂
@THEENERGYINHALER2 ай бұрын
Most definitely NOT everyone knows what gas lighting is
@Jinnyfir2 ай бұрын
@@THEENERGYINHALER that was the joke and perfect demonstration of what gaslighting is tho
@Traveling.contess6 ай бұрын
Mary is sweet, naive and innocent she deserves better this man might break her and change her personality. I use to be like that too that person is no longer here! Mary run if he is not willing to be better for you save your goodness and sweet nature because once it’s gone it’s impossible to get that nature back. You come from a good background you can’t save who’s not willing to change he is taking the right step to go to therapy but he has to show up and follow through and respect boundaries.
@wenchyfoodwench40989 ай бұрын
Don’t marry someone that can’t have adult conversations. I mean isn’t that obvious?
@hillarybillary217 ай бұрын
Anything for the D!
@lavienestpasunlongfleuvetr25597 ай бұрын
Some people are ridiculously optimistic. Realism is the only way to go.
@ineedhoez6 ай бұрын
No. Especially when you are high on sex
@thelifeofmaryd.24945 ай бұрын
@@ineedhoez 🤣
@thelifeofmaryd.24945 ай бұрын
When youre sheltered you expect everyone to be the same as what youre used to. So, if theres a communication barrier, it must be on "my" end. If they dont trust me, it must be because they dont know they can trust me; Not them simply choosing to withhold information from "me." They dont see the red flags as "evidence" because they've never experienced gaslighting before. It never even occurred to her that hes probably a liar and is probably using their money for nefarious things. Poor girl, and the worse part is, it will take YEARS for her to get it.
@LouisaWatt9 ай бұрын
The last thing I want is for this lady to be blindsided in therapy the way I was. I’m legitimately worried about her going to the same counsellor as her husband because I’ve been in that situation where I was incessantly gaslit and blamed for ruining my ex’s life just because I had an illness. When I asked him to get counselling he did, but he spent all of his sessions complaining about me, so when I went to a joint session with them they tag-teamed abusing me. The female therapist told me I needed to wear more makeup for my partner despite the fact I had chronic fatigue and could barely maintain my job. I ended up on antidepressants, suicidal and only started to recover once I left the relationship.
@sueblack57949 ай бұрын
Especially if it is Christian counseling which tends to hyper focus on the women being at fault.
@cassielawyer878 ай бұрын
Same thing happened to me and then I stayed in a toxic relationship for 10 more years.
@BodyLanguageAnalysisInterrogat8 ай бұрын
Same. We did get something out of couple's counseling (and it meant something that he would agree to go) but I had Betrayal Trauma from gaslighting therapist who yelled "Do you call your mom an abuser? Do you think your husband is an abuser?" I felt mentally isolated & trapped because she wanted me to stop talking to anyone else but her and my gaslighting, manuplulative husband and stop learning about difficult, toxic, manuplulations, projection, black & white thinking, etc. She wouldn't answer or explain the things that were happening to me. I was out.
@LouisaWatt8 ай бұрын
@@sueblack5794 strangely it was secular counselling in a woke organisation. I was gobsmacked by the attitude from a supposed feminist.
@LouisaWatt8 ай бұрын
@@BodyLanguageAnalysisInterrogat that's a frightening situation, when someone abuses their power and position to that extent.
@lyndaslocs8 ай бұрын
I smell a narcissist.
@joeriveracomedy9 ай бұрын
Why does every woman who calls this network defend their jerky husbands AFTER hosts offer advice?
@MoonFoxASMR7 ай бұрын
Probably because they know the husband will listen to the show eventually and they don’t want to be abused… 😢
@rachelcanney73307 ай бұрын
Trauma bond 😢
@ineedhoez6 ай бұрын
Because it triggers their subconscious fear of being alone. If he is a liar, cheater, and abuser, then they can't be in the relationship. Remember, when you are a codependent, the only relationship need that you have is the need to be in a relationship. The fear of being alone is the most pervasive fear that you have. Having a trash bag of a human is better than having no one. Your subconscious brain makes 90% of your decisions. This is why people can rationally know what they need to do but cant execute.
@lilithowl6 ай бұрын
"Every woman", hey? Listen to yourself. You clearly have an axe to grind.
@karinland85336 ай бұрын
Because it really hard to accept the harsh truth. If it is her she might be able to fix it. If it is him the marriage is over. So the life you plant is just a dream. Everything shattered. Thats hard to deal with
@karinland85336 ай бұрын
I was in a relationship and trained my self to use language with „I feel …“ he still was offended. That when I knew I’m not the problem here. The process of leaving still took some years. He actually did abuse me emotionally and financially it took me some years after I left to realize that.
@yvettemoore10829 ай бұрын
...ive lived that life in the past...its never ever,ever going to change unfortunately (in my opinion)...I wish her luck.. another great video,thanks🇦🇺❤️
@gwenhand97648 ай бұрын
Oh my. This one tells my story. 😢 I'm working with a counselor, but he has said he won't go. Thank you for sharing this , because it gives me direction, even though it's an unknown path.
@charlottebufton2125Ай бұрын
This was so relatable. My husband never wanted to talk about finances and it's because he was hiding how much debt he had.
@mariahconklin41509 ай бұрын
This sounds so harsh but it’s so true. Love him! Thanks John
@jasmynmadison59846 ай бұрын
These men know exactly *who* to do this to. They should’ve never made it past the dating stage.
@karinaz87564 ай бұрын
People pleasing doormat pick me girls. It’s like a train crash. Keep listening to these episodes but dang it’s so hard to listen to these women make excuses for the obvious.
@cristinabadea63443 ай бұрын
@kekejefferson92199 ай бұрын
There is no confusion, he was like this before they got married.
@CarnivoreStork9 ай бұрын
It’s all about ‘HIM’ all the time.
@toosense9 ай бұрын
Stop, he’s playing her because he knows she loves him. Manipulation indeed, he acts defensive so she’ll leave him alone to do what he wants. She thinks if she makes it her fault she can fix it. Hopefully counseling helps but these conversations should have happened long before vows.
@littleripper3129 ай бұрын
Yikes, definitely need financial rules when you're in a marriage that are agreed on before using something like a credit card. There's no going with the flow, you need to be on the same page with rules. This was really sad to listen to, people need more counselling before getting married to coach them.
@nemishasharma57375 ай бұрын
My husband just went along with everything I said before marriage and made me believe he has the same views. He would cleverly ask me for my views first, or give me vague non-answers when I asked him stuff. The moment we were married he turned and started to accuse me of not doing things he needed, and even refused to tell me what it was he needed. Such people are extremely manipulative and will do or say anything to get you in the trap before revealing their true selves.
@JML5424 ай бұрын
that only works if they stick to the agreement afterwards. :/
@kekejefferson92199 ай бұрын
Why did she marry him if he was like this during the engagement?
@probablynot13689 ай бұрын
Perhaps she felt a need to protect him and help him heal from the events of his past. Unfortunately, he’s holding back from communicating (“You don’t trust me”) because that would mean accepting he’s vulnerable.
@ineedhoez6 ай бұрын
Because women are not taught how to properly vet
@joywebster26786 ай бұрын
Sadly kind inexperienced young women believe that once the wedding done she will fix him!
@jennifershray49629 ай бұрын
This is a cautionary tale. I think people don't know is that when marry someone with all that past-trauma/baggage, that spills out/comes out on you and your kids. If they haven't dealt with or even if they have, it doesn't stay self-contained and they get traumized in the process of the relationship. I know people love each other so they continue and get married. Then several years in and they are having major issues and asking how can we fix this or fix themselves. I just wonder didn't you see the red flags in the beginning? When you ask, they thought I could fix them or fix it. No you can't. She probably looking at a separation in the near future.
@ineedhoez6 ай бұрын
He is using it as an excuse. Having baggage is not the problem. It is the failing to show up as an adult that is a problem.
@texasdazzlers9 ай бұрын
While I’m sure there’s another side to her narrative, I have a hard time feeling sorry for her since she knew this about him before she married him. Part of dating (and yes, being engaged is still dating) is to find out if this person is ready to take on the responsibilities that come with being married. A man who refuses to have hard conversations because they make him uncomfortable was not ready to be a husband. They need couples counseling with someone who will call him out on his immaturity and motivate him to step up and be a man.
@mariahconklin41509 ай бұрын
Yeah that’s how my dad was always walked out on me when I tried to talk to him a lot of people are like that especially men
@robr2689 ай бұрын
He has to trust her. Men aren't going to communicate when they feel judged or maybe rejected. She had to prove she's there and loves him. Most of the time it's words of affirmation. We love when you praise us and ultimately love us. She's not speaking his love language.
@robr2689 ай бұрын
@wordsalad01 well I wanted examples but John didn't want it. Yes she said she didn't trust him with the finances but never said why. It's communication. If you tell me your emotions behind anything my ears going to open up. I'm easily offended too and when he said I don't feel like I should tell you how to communicate with me...I kinda get it. My ex wasn't on my level of communication, even when I told her. She just wasn't a gentle loving person. She hid her emotions. My current one is very emotions and her expression and words of affirmation flow like water. I don't have to look for signs that she cares, she's there for me....she tells it daily. I'm just saying it's words or even something she's doing that triggers him.
@BrendaBaBoom9 ай бұрын
@@wordsalad01 Exactly! 👍🏽
@saraliburd77529 ай бұрын
She stayed in a place of hope-she is trauma bonded
@CassieNishti6 ай бұрын
he won't tell her what he needs because when she fulfills it, he will have to do the same. people like this will do anything to not be held accountable. beyond their financial stuff, i bet he says "whatever you want" or "i don't know" a lot in order to not be held accountable for the outcome of their shared decisions.
@susanwagner986 ай бұрын
Wow. This is the best episode yet. I've looked at older videos of yours, Dr. John, and I really enjoy how you are "fine tuning" your advice. Your really old ones would trigger me. I think because you were talking to people more as a "Christian Therapist". At lease from my past with religious abuse. It really pains my heart to hear these young folk you talk to, a lot, who are more likely there because of purity culture. So many young in those cultures are so desperate to have intimacy, they get married too young with hardly any tools. The guilt and shame for just being a normal human also causes trauma. This is my honest opinion. Thank you. I will add it to my favourites.
@mamaof3pearls8 ай бұрын
Omg, Mary, I'm you...I wish we could talk! Reach out if you need to talk...
@IveInterpreter-nj7vl2 ай бұрын
I have a hard time listening to this call because I keep asking “why the heck did you call if you have it figured out!?”
@milehyandriver9 ай бұрын
Sounds like she should've be more observant before saying yes and I do.
@AlexisDavis169 ай бұрын
You got this Mary. When and if you’re ready❤I really feel for you.
@dmesm5729 күн бұрын
Been watching for a while and just came across this. Been living this for just shy of 40 years. It's hurtful and neglectful. Took a long time to get behind this. Still nothing changes.
@natasabrandt219 ай бұрын
Sorry for this, but your marriage has vey slim chances of survival. Why always seek excuses for his behavior, as if he's not responsible for his actions..(?)...in childhood, this and that happened to him, blah blah blah... If you're looking for reasons for his behavior in his childhood, it means he's still living in childhood. Many women have a child instead of a man.
@probablynot13689 ай бұрын
If her list of wants and needs are not met, then she can end this marriage knowing that she did her best to seek a more equitable relationship. I hope there will not be a pregnancy during this stressful time.
@NigerianBeautyQueen9 ай бұрын
She married the king of gas lighters. I bet he had a boy mom 💯
@minuit63058 ай бұрын
FR. All these women giving these below minimum crusty men to many opportunities.
@candyluna29299 ай бұрын
I was screaming whej she started to talk, so glad John interrupted her and set her straight
@theshuttlebus9 ай бұрын
Appreciate your work Dr. Deloney
@PoojaAzhalavan4 ай бұрын
This was me, exactly 7 years ago. I did everything to make it work, but I could never win. Financial secrecy, will turn into secrecy around health, where he goes, when he comes, who he talks to…. And ultimately another woman. U cannot change them. Just leave without any hate in your heart… and dont ever look back
@mattysheehan97864 ай бұрын
She legitimately couldn’t be more in the right here lol asking how to properly communicate is like one of the healthiest traits of successful relationships lol
@madisonandthefarm6 ай бұрын
So stressful, I’m so sorry Mary, I wish you well🙏🏼
@JayJay-ii5un3 ай бұрын
He doesn't want to be married. There's no fix.
@susanbrush2807 ай бұрын
Wish I had heard this 30 years ago. I agree with everything he said but there may be more going on. After years of struggling with this and being told it’s me that’s the problem, I started counseling about five years ago. My counselor was sure he’s a narcissist but I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more to it. I started to pray “Lord show me what’s going on here”. Not immediately but within a few months it started to dawn on me that he may have Asperger’s . Everything started to fall into place. Then one day he comes to me and tells me he thinks he may be slightly autistic. YES and thanks be to God for revealing that to me!
@ineedhoez6 ай бұрын
That doesn't change anything though. His behavior still needs to meet your needs.
@ayeshanasir99168 ай бұрын
Girl please just turn around and RUN!! I feel like u r telling me the story of my life!!!! My husband had been/still is cheating on me (12 years) it's not going to get any better!!! Save urself more heartache... end this as soon as u can
@michellesimmons31505 ай бұрын
so why do you stay? and if you cant divorce....why do you remain faithful when he is not??
@davinasquirrel76724 ай бұрын
Poor Mary. She was being gaslit/played. I am not sure why Dr John circled back around to work to patch things up, because it does not sound like the husband wants to change at all.
@aaabbb88124 ай бұрын
I don't think he's still going to therapy. I think he's lying about that.
@LittleImpaler6 ай бұрын
She needs to divorce. Her husband is immature.
@alexrawls74078 ай бұрын
In healthy relationships communication is easy. My romantic partner is an extension of me, just as my right hand is a part of my own body, she is also me.
@nemishasharma57377 ай бұрын
Actually, that's how narcissists and borderliners view their partners. I know what you mean, but technically the words you used would describe a narcissistic relationship.
@ineedhoez6 ай бұрын
Lmao that's called codependent enmeshment. A healthy relationship is an interdependent relationship. Both parties are independent beings that choose to be together and seek to find mutually agreeable solutions to meet their needs.
@eloisemarie52195 ай бұрын
DUMP THIS GUY BEFORE YOU HAVE CHILDREN. Get Out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!❤
@aaabbb88124 ай бұрын
He is lying, dishonest and is sneaking around and spending money that is NOT his. I will bet that she works, too.
@PCMJ775 ай бұрын
I love your show, Dr. John. Great advice, very caring counselor. Going to watch all the episodes. Cheers, Dr. Jon...
@KC1up7 ай бұрын
This guy sounds emotionally stunted. He wont take responsibly & his wife covers for him. I hope they dont have kids. Im glad John called it like it is.
@susanbolin2756 ай бұрын
I was a victim of a major gaslighter. Listen to phone call repeatedly.
@journeyon248925 күн бұрын
I really like John because he ALWAYS says the truth. What people say or do to you to hurt you is a choice they make. Gaslighting you is more common in a relationship more then people know. I NEVER knew about this term until recently. The same with manupulation. This is what my soon to be ex husband has done to me for over 38 years. He would hurt me & say horrible things to me and say I was his trigger. He would say that because how he was brought up and what he has been through in his life is why he is the way he is and that he is broken. Well I tried fixing the man that I truly loved addored my whole life and in the end, he still hurt me. Never think you can fix someone because unless they can't fix themselves, you never will. The innocent suffer because of another one's failure. Let them go, I did, and saved myself. Now I'm taking care of me and I am happy again ☺️
@cw59489 ай бұрын
I’d tell her to run if it wasn’t already too late…
@hunbun90526 ай бұрын
sounds very manipulative, I have a friend who told me she had a boyfriend for 6 years and through this whole time he did not have any money. During this time he spend all of hers. She said whenever she said she wants to talk about the money he made her feel bad that she was stingy and that if he had money he would give it to her without question. In the last two years of the relationship she found out he had been gambling her money away and the whole time he made her feel shame about not being a loving partner because then she would not question him.
@user-cl5vk2ug4i6 ай бұрын
This type of dynamic is very hard, I've been there, it might be fixable or not
@jcstuart69789 ай бұрын
He's got a lot of people to forgive. But is either unaware of the grudges or so used to holding onto the grudges it's become part of his identity. The devil loves it when we don't forgive. Because then the devil knows we are not aware or accepting of the truth about how Jesus gives us forgiveness every day. ASK Jesus to reveal to you - who do you need to forgive? Then start forgiving and start receiving the grace God has for you. Until then, you will not be operating out of the fullness of your identity as a perfectly loved child of God and won't be using The Power of The Holy Spirit.
@EmoDKTsuchiya9 ай бұрын
Too much truth
@jcstuart69786 ай бұрын
I lived it for a long time - which is how I know :). @@EmoDKTsuchiya
@schreehowarth9936Ай бұрын
The older you get... the worse he will get... Run... you are young enough to start over
@Rjmr199 ай бұрын
Run lady, ask him for a divorce and run!
@MoonFoxASMR7 ай бұрын
Don’t ask, tell. She doesn’t need his permission.
@pux0rb4 ай бұрын
The fact that he's agreed to do couples counseling together with her is already a promising sign.
@willieverusethis3 ай бұрын
She was hoping that it was something wrong with her so she could fix herself and save her marriage.
@samanthapopplewell6572Ай бұрын
This blows my mind. How do people go to get married and haven’t already talked about stuff like this beforehand? When my husband and I were in premarital counseling, we had to talk about everythingggg. How we want to raise kids, our expectations, our views on gender roles, sex, finances, everything. Saved us from a ton of arguments and even made us feel even more ready to start a life together as PARTNERS. I’d recommend any and everyone to go through the same thing before tying the knot. It would save so much heartache.
@sherryd32994 ай бұрын
Dont have a baby with him. Get out. Only emotionally healthy people should get married. You need to get out. DO NOT GET PREGNANT.
@aaabbb88124 ай бұрын
Aspergers is NOT an excuse for dishonesty and theivery feom the family till.
@aaabbb88124 ай бұрын
He is trying to control HER. He is NOT worried about her controlling him. He is using HER money to treat the other woman. She needs to just leave his carcass in the road.
@gessrinky91299 ай бұрын
The difference between a boy and a man..
@danastonerock2 ай бұрын
Best advice, hands down john ! ❤
@EroticInferno5 ай бұрын
5:00 “Why don’t you look him in the eye and say ‘I don’t trust you’” Because that’s how you get backed handed across the face by some people, especially not emotionally well-adjusted men. Idk. This seems like such dangerous advice if you don’t know if this person’s partner is volatile.
@laurao80995 ай бұрын
I 100% agree. But by asking the question he the colors response will give him a lot of information including if she is afraid to be that direct and straightforward
@feyrechihro7247Күн бұрын
He needs to learn how to be happy alone. Loosing her would be the best thing for him