I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy - (Therapist Reacts #1)

[@catifexart274]

0:20 Child stars, adult world, and consent 2:55 abusive parents and grief 5:47 Trauma and anxiety reaction 7:00 Eating disorders and parenting 9:40 Sexual abuse to children and eating disorders 13:00 Out of body, dissociation, sexual predator women hypothesis 20:48 recognising the abuse as a violation

[@victoriapreston5419]

Woman that sexually abuse teenagers. are teachers. This has been on the rise for years❗

[@crisptomato9495]

Thank you!

[@yyg4632]

Thanks

[@junipersages]

Thank you :)

[@johns6454]

It sounds like you had a crush on teal swan when you were reviewing her in past videos, You didn’t look up her full history and you made her sound better than what she is. I wish you would have researched her adult modeling career and other crazy things she did before you commented on her. Including how she seduced Leslie’s husband the first person to die Under teals swans care

[@ambera5448]

Society needs to be more accepting to children that cut contact with their families. Thank you Jennette.

[@brittcoffee913]

Absolutely 💜

[@joanna0988]

Yes!! I know so many people that were molested or abused and their family's took the abusers side then others shame or guilt the abused for distancing themselves 😢😢

[@stargirl6659]

Accepting is too much to ask all I’m saying is don’t demonize it like omg horrible people listen to their stores before assuming that

[@blondinevloggt]

absolutely! and also more vocal about calling out child abuse for what it is. i just can't believe that there are no legal consequences for all the adults who witnessed and participated in her abuse for years.

[@mermaiddiyartist8119]

Exactly. I have. Most people who found out tried convincing me to make contact. No one was there for me besides my partner. No one understood how heart wrenching it is to have no parents. I grew up feeling lines this as well. They neglected me and did much worse. To never have real support.

[@rosyface_]

As someone with an abusive mother. I appreciate the message in this video. I’m so sick of hearing the “but it’s your mum!” line.

[@diannebrett4074]

I’ve heard that so many times over the years. If having a vile, sadistic mother is something you can’t comprehend, then you’re lucky. Thank God you don’t understand it. I wish I was naive and had no idea what this is all about

[@Chrissers88]

Same here. I think about the death of my mother often and how relieved I'd be etc., not that I tell anyone that, except my current therapist and other abuse survivors.

[@SourRazberry]

Me too. I’ve heard that line so many times and I continue to hear it once every few months or so. It used to cut me to my soul and make me feel guilty and horrible. But after listening to them and running back to my parents to get my money cleaned out of my bank account, my credit cards maxed, and manipulated and berated, I decided to eventually cut them off for good. And I remind myself everyday that no matter what anyone says to me, it was for me.

[@73cidalia]

Yes, it’s cognitive dissonance. These same people will get out the verbal torches and pitchforks when they read about a story of abusive parents, but in reality are telling people to put up with abuse because they’re biologically related.

[@Chrissers88]

@@SourRazberry Right, exactly. Hope things are going well for you now :) x

[@procastination_is_my_passi4182]

I just finished the book and not enough people talk about Miranda Cosgrove. She was the only person mentioned in the book that Jennette had nothing but sweet things to say about. I wish nothing more than for people to always have a Miranda in their lives. It's sweet to hear Jennette say that her friendship with Miranda helped ground and heal her as a person.

[@foxteen8721]

Especially when you consider how Sam needed Carly.

[@Ambah818]

I couldn't agree more. Just having that one special person to help you along the way, means so much.

[@calisongbird]

@One oftheabove why “LOLsss”??

[@monkael1438]

wasnt there also some guy name colton? did she say anything negative about him?

[@dreamingofthemoon]

@@monkael1438 yes her other friend:) He seemed to be nice too

[@SuperSara924]

“Every child deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves their child” Jennette deserved better than the mother she had, I hope she keeps recovering from her traumatic childhood and speaking up ❤️

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

Well said.🙏🏻

[@foxteen8721]

And if she was to have kids, I imagine she will be ten times the mother her own was.

[@brittcoffee913]

I am one of those people who felt relief and closure (among other things) when my parent died. Thank you for validating us, Dr. Honda! And if you're out there and have felt the same way, big hugs to you.

[@Bbydawl]

Same. When my mother died, I felt relief. Some parents are just.. really really bad.

[@mrs.h2725]

Genuinely looking forward to someday doing a little jig and spitting on my evil abusive pos mother's grave. When she dies I know the kid in me will finally feel like the monster under my bed is gone for good and I don't have to always feel on alert for her trying to stalk me with new social profiles or sending relatives after me to try to guilt me into contact.

[@Mama_Bear524]

I’m so sorry. And I really feel by being so open like Jeannette is, it helps others, no? Like removing the stigma, and shame for feeling that. Because none of you should feel bad at all.

[@justmeagain7]

Not everybody should become a parent, that's why access to contraceptives and safe abortion is so important

[@8LyJu8]

@@Mama_Bear524 in my experience it does. One of the reasons I love Eminem so much is his track "Cleaning out my closet". While he evetually made amends with his mother, when it came out I couldn't talk about the abuse at the hand of my mother without being shamed even by my therapist. At the time it kind of helped yo ease the lonliness. Now it is more acceptable to talk about that, even if there is still shame, so hopefully her book will help people just like COMC helped before.

[@tommiegnosis]

I was not a child actor but I had to be an adult by the age of 4. I was my mom's therapist, I cooked for and cleaned myself, got myself ready for school, was put in horrible positions as a child... It was basically the worst way to grow up. Like, I had similar abuse, neglect, manipulation as well as obsession (on her part over me) and honestly...cutting my mom out of my life was the best thing I've ever done for myself and it took a long time. I love her but I hate her as much if not more. You don't get it unless you've lived it. I relate to her 1000%.

[@gigid9606]

Yes I agree it's a combination of being a parent to your parents and being neglected and trying to figure out who we are as children and as adults without any help!

[@dianaa3336]

💜

[@theskyisblue567]

I understand what u mean.

[@doulalina]

Same. It took a lot of grief to realize I never had a mother even though I thought I did … and to let go of my loyalty to someone who abused me … such a confusing and sad process but no regrets on letting go, only way to be healthy if your mom is unhealthy

[@joanapinedo20]

😔true

[@fraufuchs9555]

I only really realised that my mother was abusive when I married at the age of 26. Because my husband would often ask me to choose something, like which of the 2 pieces of cake I'd like to eat. While I did know which one I wanted, I didn't want to choose because deep inside I was afraid of choosing the one he actually wanted for himself, and end up disappointing him! The more things like that happened the more I realised I developed those fears because of my mother. My entire life I had to please my mother in other to be able to have at least a livable home, and even though i tried everything, it was never enough. She wanted to control my behaviour, thoughts and emotions, even my clothes and what I did with the stuff I bought with my own money.

[@sunbeam8161]

I grew up with a narcissist mother too and can relate to what you described. I didn't realize that what I had experienced throughout my life was abuse and manipulation by a narcissistic, controlling mother. Only after she had died, I was able to put the pieces together of why I was the way I was...and was shocked, sad, disappointed and angry to find out. Please face what happened, understand that it is not your fault and nothing would have ever been enough for your mother. Allow yourself time for healing...it will come. After 10 years on this healing jouney, I am ready to move on...

[@Leries0]

Sunbeam is right. Nothing would have been enough for your mother. That's how narcissists operate. I hope you get the therapy that you need after all those years of narcissistic control

[@Lovepeaceandchickengrease]

Wow 😯 I just realized this too! In therapy and barely uncovering a lot

[@fraufuchs9555]

@@justmeagain7 you realise that's exactly what my husband was doing for me and I didn't say it was wrong, right? If you read again you will understand I'm talking about FEAR of choosing something, not the wish to let the best to others.

[@fraufuchs9555]

@@elsahaas7116 when I wrote "my entire life" did you read it as "as a small child"? And when I say she tried to control what I did with my own money, you see me as a working child? You say parents control small children and when they grow up they start to make their own choices. So was I a small child at 25? Thanks for letting me know. I thought I had the right to make my own choices because I was an adult and worked to get my own money.

[@DrCatdeJong]

One of my friend's dad abused his mom while she was pregnant, and he lost his twin sibling due to that. His dad was extremely violent, and at the end he threathened my friend with a knife and he landed in jail. He got diagnosed with cancer, and he died shotly after. My friend only went to go look at the casket to make sure he was really dead. I understand that.

[@nicoleyap6070]

Wow. My heart goes out to your friend. That's terrible.

[@larissabrglum3856]

Completely understandable.

[@aksez2u]

I think: A. She was smart to give the book such a shocking title. Look at all the press she's getting. B. I think it's brave of her to tell the truth. Grief, anger, relief, joy, regret. All of these things can coexist.

[@vkrgfan]

Guess it's not free $36 on Amazon LOL Don't you think it's a red flag when a person is trying to sell the book?

[@aksez2u]

@@vkrgfan Books are supposed to be free and this person is shocking because they're trying to sell their book on Amazon? For $19.58 USD by the way.

[@vkrgfan]

@@aksez2u She gets the reward for the sale of the book, only she has the right to sell it. She can legally sue anyone who would sell it without her permission. Don't be so naive.

[@aksez2u]

@@vkrgfan OK. I'm not sure what you're talking about. I left the comment you're responding to a year ago, so ... Maybe check the date of a comment before calling someone naive 🤣

[@vkrgfan]

@@aksez2u It doesn't matter when you left the comment, I can still respond to it. The book is still for sale, so she is still making money on it LOL.

[@emsadventures1154]

We always automatically blame the kid for leaving or saying something like "I'm glad my mom died" but they never ask... how bad did that parent have to be in order for their kid to feel that way. We can't parent our own parent and at some point it just isn't possible sadly

[@JeffsGoldblum]

Important topic, as a daughter of a narcissistic histrionic mother this really resonated with me. We need to talk about this more openly and also destigmatize children breaking off contact with their abusive parents

[@cozy46]

Yes!!!

[@Meg.1122]

I really sorry you have experienced that abuse. I hope you're fine now and you have already healed any emotional wound you mother has caused you. Sending a big hug to you!

[@SourRazberry]

100%. For me it was a narcissistic mom with schizoaffective and a narcissistic and emotionally explosive father. There’s no getting to them, they’re too sick. I had to save myself. People judge me and tell me shit like “but it’s your parentsssss”. Meanwhile they’re horrified of my parents and don’t even want to meet them for 5 minutes. Pick one.

[@cozy46]

@@SourRazberry yup. I heard ' she's your MOTHER. She's the only mother you have. She gave birth to you". Umm, okayyyy....thanks? I didn't choose that. None of us does. I swear they should have just given me up for adoption.

[@MarchingArrow]

If a person feels unsafe with another person for any reason, it shouldn’t matter the previous relation between those two people imo it should just end right there if that’s what needs to be done. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Family isn’t synonymous with “non-negotiable human punching bags” and never should be. We DEFINITELY need to talk about this more.

[@allysonleblanc59]

She spoke directly to the title on a morning show with George Stephanopoulos. I thought it was a very good explanation, something like anyone who experiences parental abuse understands. And anyone with a sense of humor understands, and anyone else isn’t the audience for this book

[@ghostratsarah]

I think everyone should be the audience, especially those who don't understand.

[@Glitteraddict1]

THIS👆🏾👆🏾👆🏾!!! 😇👌🏾✨

[@susanna7575]

Alyson Stoner, a Disney child actress, made a wonderful video about her childhood as well as guidelines she thinks should be put in place to protect child actors. Would be great to hear your thoughts on that.

[@halimak12]

Yes this!!

[@Mama_Bear524]

She rocks.

[@thomme8539]

Is it the toddler to trainwreck video?

[@jaydas8976]

@Thomme yes that’s the video that they were referring to

[@fromthehaven94]

One of them should include a thorough questionnaire given to each or any parents who are involved in their child's career. If the words "I wanted to be in the entertainment business" are within any of the answers in any form, that should be a red flag.

[@courtneyburke3218]

Thank you for talking about how people have a hard time believing women can sexually abuse people. For me, my abuser was my grandmother and people have a hard time wrapping their head around that.

[@pinkpugginz]

so sorry you suffered at the hands of someone who was supposed to care and cherish you. many people dont understand that sexual abuse is about power and control. they can't understand why women (who are seen as "less" sexual? who knows) would be perpetrators. happens all the time.

[@nicoleyap6070]

That's crazy!!! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I pray you are okay and moving on with your life.

[@courtneyburke3218]

@@nicoleyap6070 I’m doing great now thankfully 😊 hope you are doing well too!

[@courtneyburke3218]

@@askajk5895 I’m so sorry this happened to you. Sadly it’s all too common for children to abuse other children after they are abused themselves because they don’t know any better. I’m glad you were brave enough to have the conversation and that your cousin was able to share that with you. I don’t know about the “all from one person” comment though. I’ve learned about a lot of different things that happened to my grandmother when she was a child. Chances are something may have happened to the grandfather. It’s amazing how these things can span generations. Congrats on being a fellow recovering abuse victim willing to confront their past so that they can break the chain of abuse ♥️

[@zoe9190]

Anyone can be an abuser. Doesnt matter how old or young, anyone could be an abuser. We have seen old people over retirement age kill people maliciously, and young people as young as six kill other kids maliciously. Abusers come from any gender, any culture, any class system rich or poor, and same for those being abused, it can be anyone

[@millennialme9578]

Jeanette’s memoir is heartbreaking. I just want to give her the biggest hug. Her book will help so many people who relate to her story.

[@MoonShadow333]

I read this book a few days ago. It was so good. I know the title sounds outrageous but, at the end, death was the distance Jennette needed to heal

[@RBNY]

Wow! Sounds like a powerful book.

[@MoonShadow333]

@@RBNY It does. My heart breaks for her. Her mother was a narcissistic person who really messed up with her head. I am glad she found her voice and seems to be doing much better

[@Mama_Bear524]

Doesn’t even sound outrageous to me. She was abused. She definitely needed this to heal. I’m happy for her. And grateful. She’s helping so many people I’m sure.

[@justmeagain7]

Makes me think of Dee Dee Blanchard, she was killed by her daughter after many years of serious psychological and physical abuse. There is a movie about that case

[@arcanecarott6037]

I finished the book and it was really powerful and made me sit in silence after I finished reading

[@lucylohan8894]

As someone that does not talk to my biological mother and never will this was actually really refreshing to see somebody else call out their mom in such a way. I feel like society puts a lot of pressure on children to rise to the occasion or put up with neglectful or abusive mothers just because they’re your mom. My mom was also the starting point of my eating disorder as well. She would say she was helping me. I have had a hard time finding a therapist that specialize in eating disorders and trauma recovery. I wish there was more talked about for people with ED because I’ve tried to search Dr. Honda in any talks that he’s had about eating disorders. But can’t find any!

[@Mama_Bear524]

So sorry about your upbringing. That’s awful. And ya, I think Jeannette being so public about this will help so many shed any guilt for feeling relief when their abuser dies. Don’t care who it is. Especially a parent, you should feel immense relief. If they didn’t want that legacy they shouldn’t have been abusive. Too bad. I admire her for this. And you for talking about it. It has to be so hard.

[@Dauerglotzer123]

Same! So many people don't understand especially with mothers. I'd get oh you only have one mum, they love you like nothing else, dw she really loves you. I used to say that means you have a great mum and I'm happy for you but that's not the case for me. I just stopped ever bringing her up or fob people off when they asked about her

[@arianamooon]

Maybe unfortunately for you at this time YOU are the one to be a big player in knowing and educating and helping in this specific arena. Just a thought

[@Dauerglotzer123]

@@arianamooon do you know how many people are never going to get it as they can't see past their great relationship with their mother. I'm open to talking to people and friends who are empathetic but I'm not reliving through trauma as a duty for education

[@BD-eu1id]

If you’re in the US, look for a dietitian who specializes in ED and also has an LCSW or other degree that qualifies them as a therapist. For me, a team has been the best approach. I have a dietitian, psychiatrist, and primary care doctor who all specialize in ED and a psychologist who specializes in other issues. All of them communicate with one another. I acknowledge that it’s a big privilege to live somewhere where there are these types of specialists (NYC) and that I have insurance that covers so much of my care.

[@graciehtml]

Jennette saying that she didn’t find trying to understand her mother’s motives productive makes me feel so seen. I was abused by a relative as a child and trying to understand why it happened is impossible, and I found it so freeing to realize that it didn’t really matter to me why it happened. It happened, I had no control over it, and now I could actually learn to heal.

[@SureYoureRight]

I hope to get to this point one day but I’m haunted by my need to understand

[@Catbooks]

I was moderately but continually abused by my father, and when he died the most overwhelming feeling I had was of relief. I was also his caregiver, during which he continued to emotionally abuse me, so that factored into it too. Few who haven't had an abusive parent who dies truly understands this. There's shame attached to it, so only telling people who understand is best.

[@gab1888]

Right the shame is the worst, like you had to deal while your life with abuse and on top of that society makes you feel bad for being a victim. I had neglectful, alcoholic father who verbally abused me. I am 24 and just month ago I was able to admit to somebody that he was an alcoholic because of the shame, also the verbal abuse is so subtle and hard to define that people tend to not believe it. I can feel you on the taking care of you parent part, it is really soul crushing, to being forced to care for someone who inflicted pain on you your whole life.

[@gigid9606]

I had the same exact situation my dad threw me out earlier in life because I wanted to go to college and he wanted me to stay home and take care of it the house so I didn't talk to him for years after that but when he got much older and sick no one else seemed to want to take care of him and I ended up doing it and he was so freaking mean to me all the time it was so stressful I didn't want him to die I always wanted the best for him because that's kind of person I am but it was a sense of relief actually talked to him more in the grave than I did when he was alive because he always put me down but I made peace with the day after he passed

[@diannebrett4074]

I understand, and hope to god my mother is gone soon

[@Catbooks]

@@gigid9606 I did the same thing, and have talked to him far more in the grave than when he was alive. It is healing.

[@Catbooks]

@Momma Bear This is an inappropriate comment. If this is something you personally believe, that's fine. But I don't, and more importantly it has nothing to do with what I said. Please don't push your personal religion on others.

[@CocoMocoe]

When my sister was dying of anorexia, the doctors compared it to a drug addiction. Usually the person with the disease is the last to know they have it. She ended up surviving after years of being in a treatment facility but it was so hard. I was told going into my sophomore year of college that I should expect her to be gone by thanksgiving and to say goodbye before I left for school. What made it hard for her recovery was that she was SO intelligent. She graduated from Johns Hopkins with a degree in public health. She could count calories off the top of her head. She was always 5 steps ahead of us and her treatment employees. Now she has an account on tiktok where she raises awareness about a healthy relationship with food + her celiac disease which she got diagnosed with after her recovery. ED is so hard to witness if you love the person. Also your needs are not really met because the whole family unit is in survival mode.

[@CatBarefield]

I hope she keeps thriving 💜

[@emillycristinas1999]

What's her @ on tiktok?

[@CJ2023Incognito]

My bio father died when I was 4, leaving behind 4 kids. I am so thankful for his death. He was on drugs and abusive to my mom also struggling with drugs. It paved the way for my mom to meet my step dad get clean and move away. He adopted all of us and we all call him dad, even after they divorced years later. He is dad and I’m closer to him than my own mother. He provided so much stability. I can’t imagine what our lives would have been with out him. Probably foster care… You don’t have to be biologically related to parent a child, you just have to show up, be there, and love them unconditionally. 💙

[@richardburton5706]

You were 4, so how sure can you be about what is real memory and what is anecdotal (and maybe unreliable) from your mother? Just asking, not accusing.

[@lannaintajak80]

❤

[@CJ2023Incognito]

@@richardburton5706 Well, I can assure you these are my own thoughts and not regurgitated feelings and emotions implanted by anyone else. My mom doesn’t exactly speak ill of my bio dad. She is practical and matter of fact, almost tries not to taint an image little girls should have for their dad- which seems dishonest to me. Overall she doesn’t talk about it much. But yes, most details I piece together are bits and pieces from her that seep out or from other family members. He was also killed by a drug dealer doing shady things. I have news articles that don’t paint a very good light… as well as arrest history to back up evidence for not being the most upstanding citizen. His side of the family all live in similar ways. You can see the pattern.. trust me.

[@CJ2023Incognito]

We were also in foster care for a season while he was alive… so neither of my parents were doing a great job with care.

[@richardburton5706]

@@CJ2023Incognito Your ex-step-father has obviously been a cornerstone for you. I wonder to what extent if it had been your mother that had passed away, whether an equally nourishing step mother might have stepped in and nourished you (and influenced your Dad for the better). Seems like you were lucky not to be left solely to the care of your bio parents.

[@vae3253]

i was so relieved when my dad died. my life improved 1000% following his death, and i could finally live. i completely understand the title of this book, and those who don’t, i’m glad that you don’t have to understand why we feel like this.

[@fuldalina7900]

My mom was 13 when her dad died and always guilefully said she was glad when he died. She passed when I was 20 and it devastated me. I am incredibly grateful to her for doing as much healing as she could so that I wasn’t happy when she died.

[@heyspeckle8782]

10 years ago, when I was in therapy, I told my therapist that I'd be glad if my parents died. She was shocked and not very understanding (I think she was projecting cause she'd just had a child). Otherwise she was great, but after that I felt like I couldn't be honest about my feelings towards my birth family. I cut all ties and am living a much better life now.

[@diannebrett4074]

She wasn’t much of a therapist. I understand why you said that

[@heyspeckle8782]

@@diannebrett4074 She was a good therapist overall, but in that situation she failed

[@Mercie_A]

I hope you found a different therapist. I believe you that she is a great therapist other than that but might not be the right fit for you. We are human and tend to be biased even without knowing and it will be difficult for her to help you get through the trauma your parents put you through when deep down (whether she realizes it or not) is on "parents" side. She sees herself in them you can't "compete" with that. Wishing you healing and the best in life!

[@katrinascarlet5637]

Someone dear to me had the WORST possible first therapist. They'd just lost their child and were expressing dark thoughts, as any normal person would after burying their own child. Therapist told them to shut up about it. Exact words "loose lips sink ships". Now they refuse therapy because "it didn't work" and have yet to process many things. I can see the therapist's words echoing in their eyes every time I suggest they seek professional help, breaks my heart but it's not like I can take them by the collar and sit them down in front of yet another stranger they have absolutely no interest in speaking to.

[@thenotebookofcuriosity9145]

@@katrinascarlet5637 Honestly reminds me of my first therapist. She was great at first until she was getting pushy. I was getting severely abused(?) by a childhood friend and a push to tell her things was the fact that the "friend" threatened me with a knife over a ship (like people ships). She began getting pushy, saying I'm lying if I didn't do the exercises, and it was at a breaking point where I walked out of the therapy session 10-15 mins in the hour session. My mom knew everything since I told her everything. She was doing an errand and when that happened, I ended up texting her because I was hyperventilating so I honestly couldn't call her. Went through my 2nd therapist, I can't really remember her other than I apparently liked her. She left due to her own mental issues and I'm now on my third

[@bookworm05234]

I come from an abusive home. CPS had to take me out. My step dad was molesting me from age 4-16. My mom knew and let it happen. My mom told me every day I was ugly, stupid, and worthless. I don’t talk to my family anymore. I’m 41 now. But there’s still a lot of trauma and the way I talk to myself, it’s my mom talking to me. I’m trying to unlearn all of this, but it’s difficult and I’m learning and relearning to think better but it’s def a struggle. My mom used to tell me she wish she had aborted me. During low points in my life, I wish the same thing. How I didn’t turn into a psychopath, I dunno. All my life i was being told I was no one, nothing, etc…sometimes those words and feelings do stay with you and in you. Anyway, when my step dad and mom dies, I will be very happy.

[@audrey6928]

I felt this post deeply. I'm so sorry you went through this😞. I'm writing to let you know you didn't deserve it or do anything to deserve this. Jesus loves you and has been waiting at the door for you. Just know, he has every hurt and pain, and has not forsaken you. I'm still trying to heal from my dad. Finally in my Late 20s I'm able to let him go and not feel absolutely terrible, like it is my fault. If it weren't for Jesus idk what I'd do or where I'd be. In my pain he has elevated my life, opened opportunities for me and my family, healed my marriage, healed my kid's, and has blessed us beyond all measure. If you lean into him, he will do the same for you. You are loved beyond what you know. The enemy attacked you through your parents because he even saw the calling on your life, before you did. You are going to help so many with your testimony and what you've been through is not in vein. We are not alone. We need to be that for the youth that we needed. You have so much to give. You are worthy. You are loved. You matter and I appreciate you posting this commentary. Much love to you ❤️🙏

[@kellharris2491]

You didn't ask to be born. That's on her. Not you. You are more precious then you can imagine.

[@AvaNightingale]

@@MrsDannunzio positivity doesn't change reality, it just helps you ignore it, in yourself and others

[@graceg3250]

The voices and opinions of others have a way of holding authority in our minds, even if we can intellectually know better. It’s a hard reality that grownups and authority figures are often pretty messed up. I hope the years since your childhood have offered you a new sense of identity and new voices you can hear in your head.

[@gd-uk2it]

Wow! This is the first I’ve heard somebody saying their self talk is actually their abusive parent. I say I hear my mother, that she’s always with me, and me people don’t get it. I am grateful for you sharing as we have similar backgrounds. I have had great success with reiki and meditation, as well as joining a women’s group - on sensuality and sexuality, it’s not therapy. All of this has helped me more than talk therapy. My background is in behavioral health and I can intellectualize all this until the cows come home. The meditation and reiki have helped my body release the traumas. I wish you the best in your journey. 🙏💕

[@katielee517]

People wouldn't be up in arms if she named her book "I'm Glad My Abuser Died"

[@vero9348]

People just didn't bother to read the book

[@jenschafer269]

I don’t think people really are. It is an intentionally provocative title. I think people have an initial response to that and that seems reasonable to me. Then they either read the. Ok and understand, or they don’t and it’s a non-issue. I don’t think there’s a pitch fork mob on this one.

[@coyoteclockworkstudios3140]

As soon as I saw the title, I knew exactly what she meant. Because I was, too. It was such a relief to realize that I didn't have to keep arguing and fighting to validate my existence. I have complex PTSD because of my abuse, and it will be with me for the rest of my life. My Mom would cry to realize how I really feel about her now that she's dead, but she was a depressed, co-dependent with a victim complex, so of course she would. I felt guilty about not crying about her death, and came across an article about Bob Dylan, who didn't cry when his estranged and abusive father died. I figured "If Bob Dylan can not feel guilty, then I can, too." Dad was a POS, too. Alcoholic narcissist that made my Mom miserable in a 40 year co-dependent relationship. If anyone is ever like "How can you say that? Your parents did their best!" I say "My Dad went to jail for 5 years for possession of child porn. How do you feel about him now?" I'm completely estranged from my family because they're literally the worst people I've ever met. I really feel her when she says "I spun my wheels trying to figure out my mother's motivations." That has helped me somewhat, too, but so has saying "Fuck that bitch. My mother was a cunt." I won't attend my Dad's funeral or speak to him again. If you are a shitty parent, you absolutely deserve to die alone. Your kids didn't ask to be born or treated like shit by you.

[@user-xd3jl1hk7g]

i totally get you and how you’re feeling is completely valid; having cptsd is hard, my heart is with you love💛🌷

[@Catbooks]

I also have CPTSD because of my father's abuse, but it is possible to heal from it. I'm a year in now, and while it's a lot of work on a daily basis to rewire our brains in a healthy way, I'm seeing progress I never thought was possible and had given up on it ever happening.

[@s.melonita4454]

I totally understand. I fought with my dad, confronting him when I was 15 for real about everything’s because I got fed up with his abusive behavior and lies. I told him the full truth and things he thought I had forgotten (because I was a toddler). We fought, he didn’t budge at all (surprise) and made himself out to be the victim. I never contacted him again and he didn’t contact me either. I knew there was a possibility that that fight would be our last conversation because he always threatened suicide and tried it a few times unsuccessfully. I said to myself I’ll take that chance and that I deserved more. I’m so glad I did. He did commit suicide 2 years later but I never felt remorse about my decision. Just as he didn’t about all his decisions all my life.

[@diegopolo8979]

You are not alone, I wish you the best and honor your resilence!

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

I’m so sorry for what you went through.🤍🙏🏻

[@lyra2282]

The way Jeanette talks about her nervous system reaction to triggers sounds like she had some somatic trauma therapy as part of her trauma recovery, which puts you in touch with your body sensations as a way to regulate the effects of trauma. Sounds like she’s had some good and competent help. I’m so happy for her.

[@Partycitybaex]

That’s so great to hear, I love how she’s so aware and invests in her mental health by seeking trauma work

[@jessk457]

For what I heard, the mother wanted to be a child actor but wasn't allowed. So she was living vicariously through her daughter, which she probably didn't consider a separate person to herself and therefore free to touch

[@AllTheArtsy]

I've seen multiple interviews and when confronted about the title, she keeps saying that she "earned" the title of the book. And that is heartbreaking. To be driven to a point where you are not only relieved, but glad, that your parent has died- because they abused you, failed to protect you, did not love and cherish you the way every child deserves to be. I am so sad for her. And so proud of her for how far she's gone.

[@codydavis3100]

If you've had a very abusive parent you'll feel so wonderful cutting off contact with them. Sure the guilt will eat at you because you're not being a "good son" or "good daughter" but they weren't the good parent you needed. And when my abusive parent kicks the bucket I will not shed tears of pain but of relief and hopefully healing.

[@SureYoureRight]

I feel this in my soul. My mom hasn’t died yet but I think when she does I will feel so much relief. I’m 37 years old and still have nightmares about the woman. When I dream of her I regress to childhood and don’t even have the willpower to oppose her even though I’ve been on my own for over 20 years. I live for the day where I’m no longer tormented by her

[@CitricLemon92]

Wow I like how you phrased that. I do feel guilty for not being “good” but she was never “good”!! Never thought about it like that. Thank you.

[@Gilded-girl]

@@SureYoureRight I’m sorry about your mom. When my abusive step dad died , it was quite confusing and unexpected. Later I think the reason I was sad is because I was mourning the relationship it could have been .

[@thaisrodrigues9947]

Você pode se curar agora. Não espere ele morrer.

[@audreysopoco]

Especially in an only child-single parent situation, when you’re living with a parent who has their own emotional/mental problems, you have no choice but to carry THEIR weight. Misery loves company, they say. And when you try to break free from that, they will feel threatened or call you ungrateful. Jenette experienced worse, but I feel for her so much.

[@indiefairy09]

This! I was basically my moms friend and therapist at 5. She would talk to me about financial issues and problems with my dad and her family like I was an adult. She had zero friends. She homeschooled me for part of my childhood to isolate me from other people. Plus other emotional abuse that made our tell codependent and unhealthy and abusive. And having no siblings meant I had to carry all of her trauma and mental illness and mine. I eventually cut her off and it was so freeing. No child or even adult should have to tell with that type of parental relationship so I totally understand the title of book. Its an amazing read even when triggering. It was very validating bc no one wants to talk about abusive mothers in a serious way

[@smokerscough2907]

YES THANK YOU. I was an only child to a single mom living in an enmeshed household alongside my grandparents. There was NO escape, I had no one to turn to. I received horrible abuse from my grandmother, then my mom would pretend to be on my side only to then trap me in the house with her and refuse to let me grow on my own. I was her therapist and life partner. It destroyed my sense of confidence and self love. Only children are frequently scapegoats and golden children all in one, we get the brunt of everything.

[@msbg8385]

My father just passed away last Thursday. It was sad to see him suffer from cancer during his last days. However, he was a horribly abusive man his entire life. Everyone thought he was a great man when in reality I hated being alone with him because he was crazy and explosive. I am his only child that didn't break contact and that is due to my abusive mother staying married to him. I will have complete closure when she is gone to. Sad reality but they damaged me greatly. Society needs to stop creating imagery that parents are these great people. It's simply not true. Unfortunately religion has a great impact on the false idea.

[@bumblebee_bae]

Can I ask why you think religion has a great influence on people thinking parents are innately great people?

[@73cidalia]

If you’re talking about the whole honour thy father and thy mother commandment, that doesn’t cover abusive parents. Cutting off contact is a defensive mechanism not an offensive one. If they fail to bring up their children in love and respect, they’ve lost the right to be honored. If they won’t listen, won’t change, wash your hands of them.

[@BlessedDivine77]

Absolutely very well said. 2nd that🎯

[@jasminecarter9594]

I'm a bit on the flip side of this one. My birth dad royally traumatized my family and then my parents divorced. He has a new family now and I love them ( step mom and younger siblings) But hes still abusive. I'm the only one to actually officially cut him off and that whole side of the family is full of yes men for him. I've had my phone blown up saying how " I don't care about family and i'm disloyal." I honestly could drag his ass through the mud and back but I worry for the fall out with my younger siblings. It doesn't help that he'll use God and whatever as another guilt tripper against me. I'm atheist anyway but so many times i've had the respect your parent because they say so and not give an actual reason. It's BS. I wish the absolute best for you honey and I hope you are able to get out of this toxic and damaging home and into a better healthy place. It may not mean anything but you have my support.

[@msbg8385]

@@jasminecarter9594 thank you

[@awetree6765]

I appreciate this message. I’ve even heard from someone else who was abused, “you should make up with your mom before she dies, you would feel awful if you didn’t” but I only feel bad because people say I will when I probably won’t…

[@crisfield4364]

I was also often told that I needed to reconcile with my family because I'd feel bad once they died. My parents died and I'm not sorry that I didn't reconcile with them. The only grief I felt was knowing 100% that I'd never have the kind of parents that every child deserves. You'll feel whatever you feel when they die; don't feel bad or guilty or embarrassed. It's okay. You're okay.

[@awetree6765]

@@crisfield4364 I am sorry you also had to go through that but I am glad you don't feel sorry now. I appreciate you sharing this, it's really comforting to know I am not alone.

[@gab1888]

It is so frustrating when people say you need to forgive them to truly heal, like fuck that, you don’t know what I went throughout. The most annoying part of that is that a lot of therapists say that. Some of them also tend to focus too much on your parents trauma. Don’t get me wrong it can be helpful to know why the abuse happend, but to a small extent. Therapy should be about your abuse and not your parents one, but maybe it is just me thing because my father and grandmother would make pity party of themselves when I pointed out their abuse or neglect.

[@KamiP91]

I had never thought of the other side of this. The side of it’s ok to not forgive them. People, in my family mostly, pleaded with me to talk to my dad while he was in the hospital with cancer. He was there for 6 months before he actually passed away. I did feel compelled to talk to him, and I don’t regret it. I tried to talk to him about hard things, he would change the subject right away and I finally accepted that he would never change. I was holding up to hope that in his death bed he would come to his senses and apologize. He didn’t. He actually lied about a very touchy matter 2 weeks before he died which it was my last contact with him. Just to be clear, I do agree that it shouldn’t be a rule that everyone should forgive their abuser. I think this is very personal and should be decided upon what the victim is comfortable doing not as a general rule that everyone should forgive and engage with the people that hurt them the most. This type of mentality puts a lot of weight in the victim to be “the bigger person” when one: no victim deserved to be abused in the first place, and two, most victims do act submissive and “as the bigger person” their whole life. I still wish in my heart that people would protect me rather than expect me to have the strength to put up with the ones who harmed me.

[@awetree6765]

@@gab1888 I agree, my mom is always justifying herself with “my childhood” I think I would be very triggered if my therapist wanted to focus on that too instead of what I was telling her.

[@justrachel4496]

As someone whose father was abusive, even though I have cut ties, every day he is out there alive is a day he technically has the ability to return and f*ck up my life again. I expect that when he passes I will feel a profound sense of relief.

[@kyleiq1912]

the societal praise one gets when they have an eating disorder that causes weight loss is so appalling. when i was in the most restrictive phase of my ed, i ended up losing a large, noticeable amount of weight VERY quickly. no one expressed concern -- in fact, i got the most appearance based compliments i've ever gotten in my life. some of my friends asked me how i did it, and i told them straight up that i didn't really eat. they seemed to admire my "willpower" and the results over all else. i did this to myself too; i have never taken as many photos of myself as i did during that time. i was so proud of how i looked, and it did feel like an accomplishment to say that i had lived off of an apple and maybe half a candy bar for a whole day. the hardest part of recovery for me is missing that feeling. i do feel accomplished when i feed myself adequately, but then i see myself in the mirror and wish i could be enamored with my reflection again. it's so messed up lol

[@monchiquita25]

This message resonates with my heart a lot. Im the same- constantly trying to change the narrative in my head and feel as accomplished with my appearance as I did when I was not eating. I look forward to your future posting when you report loving on your beautiful healthy & strong self. Sending you support and strength 💚💛💜

[@justmeagain7]

I did this with a friend without noticing, she lost a lot of weight because of depression and I praised her for been so thin and looking so good, other friends made the same comments to her. Just now I realize how inappropriate our reaction to her weight loss was. She is now much happier and in a healthy weight (no thanks to us, definitively).

[@gigid9606]

You know Society is totally focused on weight loss don't you and that anyone that manages to lose weight amongst all the garbage food that's out there is like the biggest hero or something sometimes people are actually sick when they're losing weight but nobody knows that they just praised for being thin

[@kyleiq1912]

@@gigid9606 yeah i think the fact that many people view weight loss as an inherent "success" or a result of discipline contributes greatly to this. i wish as a society that we could put physical appearance on the back burner and focus on health first but unfortunately we are a very shallow species who have allowed decades of advertising propaganda to influence the public consciousness

[@kyleiq1912]

@@justmeagain7 it's honestly so common in my experience, thinness is aesthetically valued in a lot of places and perceived as an automatic indication of health when that couldn't be farther from the truth.

[@rebecca8866]

When you talk about how abusive mothers are not really portrayed in the media or in movies books etc, I will say in Japanese anime and manga there are tons of representations of abusive mothers as well as fathers but I've seen more representations of abusive mothers in Japanese films, anime, and Mangas, than I have seen here in the U.S. Their content actually helped me come to terms with my abusive mother and feel less alone in my expereinces with her.

[@zanizone3617]

I think it's a side effect of the problem of absent fathers that is still somewhat prevalent in Japan. The stereotype of the salaryman who spends 14 hours away from home 5 or 6 days a week has some truth to it. So child rearing is largely a mom only activity. With a consequent female skew in the sex of the abusive parents.

[@richardburton5706]

Rebecca 88, Could you please mention one or two examples of Japanese films, anime, or manga featuring abusive mothers? This would really help my abused daughter. Thanks.

[@richardburton5706]

@@zanizone3617 Many fathers are absent because narcissistic mothers have used single-custody laws to push them out.

[@yeojin9642]

@@richardburton5706 i think both statements can be true at the same time

[@ANME1rocker]

@@richardburton5706 my first thought was "your lie in april" for an anime with an abusive mother.

[@christinec1232]

It’s unfortunate that there are people out there shaming her and excusing the abuse her mother put upon her. I’m glad she’s able to live her life the way she wants to now.

[@BrownEyedBunny]

After my dad passed away a lot of my relatives showed their truest colors and I ended up cutting ties with most of them, it wasn't easy and it took going to therapy but it was the best decision I made for my mental health. When I share this with people, sometimes I get the response "oh, but they are your family". So what? I'm not going to modify my boundaries in order to fit these people in my life. I'm not surprised people didn't like the title of Jennette's book. I personally thank her for sharing her experience growing up and telling it like it is. Let's normalize cutting contact with toxic family members.

[@Redmoto057]

Sam, I’m so proud of you. I know that was not the easiest decision, but I’m glad you found the courage to establish those boundaries. It’s sad that people think boundaries are bad, but at the end of the day you have to protect your inner peace.

[@jessicastunden5562]

Anyone who has given Jennette a hard time truly lacks empathy. Her mother’s death precipitated the healing that would have never occurred otherwise.

[@dapsolita]

I really, strongly believe that the large part of society's problems is due to child abuse and the refusal to look at it. Happily, it's coming to light. I realize it's painful but the only way out is through.

[@pinkpugginz]

childhood trauma is the gateway to most of the worlds problems

[@saramarija21]

Very true

[@seriouslyjoking2]

When my mother died, we were not on speaking terms. I felt no grief. It was OVER. I cried for years because of her abuse & I was all cried out by the time she died.

[@nichollebraspennickx943]

Thank you for offering your experience- it gives me some hope! Divorcing my mom was the best self-care move I could make! It’s only gotten better and better since I let go of the whole dysfunctional, abusive relationships within my nuclear family.

[@roxydarlingart]

When she Mentions that discussing her mother affects her nervous system, that hit home. Any interaction I have with my mother makes fibromyalgia become completely debilitating. I have nightmares about having to walk with a cane, because of my mother, and I’m only in my early 40s. My heart breaks for this woman, and I was not a child star, but I understand abuse from parental units. I’m also a trauma therapist, and happily get to help others who have experienced this as well. Trauma is located in the body!

[@glow_soul]

I used to think Jennette was annoying on those Nickelodeon shows. But I have gained an immense amount of respect for her. She is eloquent and humble. I wish her all the best on her healing journey.

[@stargirl6659]

This situation pretty much summarized in this poem: “They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself.”

[@once.upon.a.time.]

I really like this poem, it definitely resonates. Thank you for sharing it

[@starlumpy]

I relate to almost everything she’s said about her mom. About the whole creepy shower thing, the need for control, the physical and mental abuse, the not wanting me to grow up in any way, god it brings back some terrible memories. I do not love my mother and I am not ashamed of it.

[@Elle-xf8mw]

It reminded me of the movie "Precious"!!! It's horrifying, I'm happy she is talking about this because society tend to sanctification parents a lot.

[@froandcara]

I read that book in the 90’s as a young teen. Crazy eye opening.

[@Elle-xf8mw]

@@froandcara Ignorant here🖐! Had no idea it was based on a book! i just watched the movie! 🙈 I loved, Horrified and was shocked by the movie! Is the movie as good as the book?!

[@denischabriddell986]

Oh my that poor girl went through so much. It was heartbreaking to watch 💔😪

[@Elle-xf8mw]

@@denischabriddell986 it totally was heartbreaking, I cried a lot

[@Elle-xf8mw]

@@sunkissed_potatoe I can't get it out of my head after years!!

[@breannarg]

What breaks my heart the most about her story is that there were other adults in her life that did question her mom’s actions. Her grandfather stopping her from OCD pacing saying she shouldn’t need to worry the way she is. Or her grandparents asking and suggesting her ocd was out of hand. Doctors and friend’s parents commenting on her eating disorder. Ppl tried so hard to step in… and Yet I still wonder where her dad (that raised her) and grandparents were when her mom bathed her as a teenager.

[@SureYoureRight]

I’m still resentful of the adults in my life who watched the abuse done to me by my mother. None of them tried to step in, they would all talk about her and how horribly she treated her kids but no one stood up to her. 20 years later I still haven’t forgiven them and they don’t understand why

[@JudgeJeana]

When I saw the title, my first thought was "Mommie Dearest". At this point in time, with all the stories that have come to light about parents abusing their children in many, different ways, no one should be shocked or offended if a child says that they are happy / relieved when their parents die.

[@klafrance100]

Thank you SO MUCH for this validating commentary. I didn't suffer the same abuse as this young lady, but I was abused and truly didn't realize that it wasn't my fault until my late 20s. I very much appreciate you explaining these situations.

[@gruzicka8140]

Jennette talked more about the sexual abuse in the book. She said that the mother was compulsively checking her private parts for cancer since the mother was afflicted with the same cancer and eventually died from it.

[@andra9601]

I so relate to her story! I wasn’t a child star in the traditional sense, but as a kid I was the only person in my country with an extremely rare genetic mutation and that was a big deal for the medical research industry because I became study material. Basically, when adults study, photograph, and touch a kid’s body even for medical purposes.. it is invasive. The kid thinks it’s fine, but the kid doesn’t realize the impact that that can have on them in the long term. I actually developed a mild dissociative disorder as a result of being poked and prodded. My parents also had a very dysfunctional and abusive relationship and I can understand what she means by the title of her book. The cptsd is real. Being othered as “special” or “unique” is no joke. People who judge her have no idea what they are talking about.

[@Anna133199]

Ugh. That's gross. You were a human child, not some object to poke. I'm so sorry. I had a few minor surgeries when I was 8, and even that short summer messed with my sense of bodily autonomy. Can't imagine having to go through so much medical stuff your whole childhood.

[@andra9601]

@@Anna133199 thanks 🙏🏼 😊 Someone has to do it, or we would have no understanding of rare diseases, and no way to manage and treat the symptoms of disease or find a cure. I felt well cared for by my leading physician and his team, and he was/they were the best paediatric clinicians and researchers in that part of the world. There were only two other known cases with my condition in Europe, and one person died as a consequence of her disease burden and trying out an experimental medication. My specialist advised me against trying that medication, and he might have saved my life. People were nice to me but at some point, especially during my teen years when life at home was pretty much hell and the hospital was bringing in groups of students to ask me questions (it was a teaching hospital), and the pain/ uncomfortable nature of tests and always having to undress, took a toll. As an adult, I find that people care less and less and ask more and more questions. I still, in many ways, get VIP access so to speak because of the degree of rarity and complexity of my condition, but I can tell that people aren’t watching out for me anymore. As an adult, after having gone through all of that as a kid and as a teen, I’m expected to somehow be okay, mentally and emotionally, without them having to guide me - I’m expected to know what to do by virtue of being an adult. I have to hustle to get to resources and to ask the right questions because people have less empathy and nurturing attitude towards adults. When you’re a kid, believe it or not, everyone makes a big fuss, and ‘cares’. As an adult, they can’t wait to get rid of you so they can get to the next patient lol. The only way to get ahead and stay on top is to become a rare disease patient advocate or connect with patient advocates and learn from them. The patient community is what keeps me safe, and finding clinicians who are willing to work with patients. I still participate in research and educate people about my syndrome, and the poking and prodding never stops/ won’t ever stop.. but, knowing that research into rare diseases trickles down into research for more common diseases, that it ends up helping millions and possibly billions of people and that I had something to do with that, does help. At least it wasn’t all for nothing. Like in the case of the person who wrote the book that Dr.H is reacting to - what she went through was purely for entertainment and I think that hurts more and is more damaging in the end. I’m sure that she’s asked herself “what was it all for?” “why was my childhood essentially stolen from me?” …. at least I can say that mine was for the greater good? To advance medical science? To help people? Idk. 30 years of it for me and there’s no cure in sight so that’s frustrating, but I hope that by the end of my life it’ll all be “worth it”. Although I’m not sure that spending a childhood in hospitals is ever worth it. I kinda have to push myself aside tbh to keep doing it all, so maybe the mild dissociative disorder is an adaptive mechanism that helps me not take things personally. That said, the patient experience at any age must be improved, hands down, and I advocate for it every chance I get. Sometimes, I have a short fuse when I interact with not-so-bright and arrogant clinicians, and I think that’s a manifestation of my own unprocessed trauma, while at the same time, they often DO need to be told twice, because they can delude themselves into thinking they are all knowledgeable and in control when they are not - the patient is. It is a collaboration, but the patient w rare disease knows their body best. The role of the physician is that of being of service, of listening to the patient and of being supportive.. and as long as they can do that, there’s not much that I can realistically complain about. Even if they get it wrong, they are still trying, and that’s what’s the most important. It’s the ones who aren’t trying but who think that they have all the answers who get my goat. Because it’s like, if the Department of Defence is studying this rare disease for all it’s worth by pouring hundreds of thousands of dollars or more into researching it to figure out what’s causing it and how to treat it, and yet some regular clinician is acting like they have all the answers, that’s obviously a problem, and.. it used to be hard for me not to make them feel stupid, but I’m doing better with it now. I haven’t made a doctor cry in more than two years. Yayy! 😂

[@courtr1588]

I have a rare condition as well and unfortunately my pediatric hospital was what they call a "teaching hospital" which means students often attend appointments, hospitalizations, etc to learn. I remember one doctor appointment when I was like 11 and had to lift up my shirt in a room of like 5 or 6 med students... One of them made a completely inappropriate comment and nothing even happened after that. During one hospitalization my doctor came into my room and I was so surprised because she almost never visited her patients when they were hospitalized but then I realized that it was because she wanted to show a med student how my disease presents on "African American skin"... they rubbed my arm. Just, ugh. I almost had to get a scoliosis surgery (I still have a terrible curve but decided against the procedure) and in an attempt to make me feel less scared about it I remember a surgeon showing me a book of befores and afters. One page showed a n*k&d child but their private parts were blocked out in black rectangles. My first thought was how it would feel to be one of those children... Safe to say that didn't ease my fears about the procedure lol.

[@andra9601]

@@courtr1588 that used to happen all the time, it sounds very familiar. Thank you soooo much for sharing some of your experience 🙏🏼 I also have scolio and need that surgery. So much ykes.. not sure what the hell to do. Btw, my syndrome is called FD/MAS (Fibrous dysplasia/ Mccune Albright Syndrome). I have cafe au lait markings on my skin, and my skin overall will go darker relative to what my hormones are doing (I’m white but can look poc sometimes due to the pigmentation caused by the genetic mutation).. so there was a lot of awkward skin colour talk and political dynamics that I had to sorta navigate especially when I was younger. It was confusing to say the least.

[@courtr1588]

@@andra9601 And thank you for sharing your experience too. It just feels good to know others relate... What you wrote had me like "Oh my goodness, someone else gets it!" I just looked up your condition. I looked at the alliance's Instagram page and I see what you're talking about about how some areas of the skin can present differently. (From a purely aesthetic view) I think it actually looks kind of cool but I know not all people know how to accept differences and the beauty in some of those differences. Hope the kids at school weren't too mean. :( My condition is called ullrich congenital muscular dystrophy. Like yours, everyone with it seems to be on somewhat of a spectrum. It's crazy how much humans can vary!

[@eponymoususer8923]

The anxiety reaction is profound. It’s almost like possession. All the sudden, your adrenaline floods your system. The idea of the trauma is enough to make it happen. You’re left feeling sideways in a manner that takes everything inside of you to try to correct. It’s damage. Real damage. It’s impossible to JUST get over it. That takes a TON of work that feels impossible. It’s like losing the use of your legs. It can take years of therapy, braces, mobility aids… just to be able to wobble your way around… but it’s better than staying fully broken.

[@Adrasdea]

Both my parents are dead now. My dad committed suicide in 09 , my mom passed this year. I've had mixed feelings, when dad died I was drinking, at that time I felt like saying nice things was what would be expected. Recently my abusers have begun digging up those kind words to prove my father wasn't actually abusive. When mom died, I was told it was her kidneys, after years of everyone saying I was a crazy liar, I offered my mother a kidney in exchange for an honest conversation about my childhood. Either she chose death or whoever was choosing for her did because I never received a response, was left out of the obituary and now my abusers say I killed her. That I should have given her my kidney even if she continued denying everything, because she was my mother and if I loved her I would have. I don't know if I love her, I don't know if I can love, that's why I needed that honest conversation with her to clear some things up, I wanted to so badly I was willing to part with a vital part of my body for it and that still wasn't a high enough price. I'm numb to it right now but some days, just randomly, those feelings get turned on and I'm so sad, and angry and knowing they're both dead I'll never resolve these feelings WITH them.

[@diannebrett4074]

You killed nobody. It’s time now to worry about yourself. I’ve read the book “a thousand acres” by Jane Smiley about fifty times. About how the grown daughters of an abusive father are blamed by their farming community because he was the saint and they were the bitches. It’s something most people can’t relate to. But unfortunately I can, and so can a lot of other people. Listen to lectures on KZbin on Narcissistic abuse. There’s a big community out there who knows where you are

[@isa.c7764]

Ugh I feel this. My mom ended up developing cancer after I hadn’t spoken with her for over 12 years and the rush to seek closure didn’t not help me get any peace of mind. I tried to empathize and level with her, but she was still as difficult to talk to as she had ever been. I wanted her to take accountability for making choices and acting in ways that deeply hurt me, and she refused and took it very defensively. She couldn’t admit she was anything like her own parents. It seemed like everything she did was on the basis I would be too young to remember and too young to understand, and never really accounted for the fact she would have to face me as an adult someday. Our last conversation didn’t end well and I ignored her last few attempts to contact me, one of which included a request to consider donating my bone marrow to her. The last chance I had to speak with her was about a year later on the day she died, after she had become brain damaged and put in a medically induced coma. On one hand I felt like there was nothing more I could’ve said to get through to her and like I had been used up by her enough, and on the other I felt extremely guilty for how things ended. I’m haunted by what she might’ve thought of me, and if there was anything I could’ve done differently. I have to remind myself that she was the adult and I was the child. I was absolutely tired of being the excuse for her not to do better. If she wanted to change to be the parent I needed her to be she would have. I can’t say I missed out on someone who never truly made themselves available to me in the first place.

[@Adrasdea]

@@diannebrett4074 thank you for this validation. I actually was receiving harassment that brought me to tears a couple of days ago, they accuse me of bartering with my organs, killing my mother. It's a hurtful allegation and it feels like thousands agree on it.

[@diannebrett4074]

@@Adrasdea I heard somewhere that “Friends and family of the narcissist are no friends and family of yours” I have to keep repeating it to myself to remind myself why I have to stay no contact. It’s an extraordinary pain, with no support or empathy from others

[@GreenGorgeousness]

@@Adrasdea those people share your DNA, they are not family. They are the abusers lackeys, minions of hatred, who only served to torture you even in her death. They are as important as flies on a windshield. Thier buzzing is horrible, but just that, the useless noises of a nasty, disease spreading bug.

[@Xxbubbly10]

There’s a girl on KZbin that is anorexic and her friends got her into a place to help her and then once she got back with her mom who is controlling is even worst than she was before

[@joanna0988]

Misery loves company 😢 I have seen many mothers encourage eating disorders so they could do it with their child.

[@heatherdiansmith]

You must be talking about Eugenia

[@grasstastesbad]

yeah… jennette’s story made me think of eugenia too

[@erikavaleries]

oh gosh, she looks so sick 😭😭😭

[@untalented7880]

Eugenia!! As Jeannette was speaking I was think of her. There is something happening with Eugenia’s mom.

[@kruegertcg9830]

There was a Hulu tv show called “A Teacher”, which appeared (to me at least) to have been developed specifically to depict a female sexual predator and the damage that can be done in such relationships. I found it entertaining, if a bit formulaic. Like Dr Honda, I also find it interesting that nobody seems to ask “why” men do such behaviors- perhaps because of the internalization of gender roles and misogyny, some level of violence is expected of men. So when it’s out proportion compared to the general population, it’s just seen as a dangerous thing, not a *weird* thing. Whereas women are not expected to have an intrinsic sex drive or need for control/domination, it’s perceived that some outside circumstance must have caused the situation to happen, rather than acknowledging the more straightforward reality that some people just do terrible things, regardless of gender.

[@stereotypicalhuman]

well-put. and of course women would be capable of behaviors like these; they are human afterall.

[@kellharris2491]

It's interesting that people never consider that women have a drive/need for control. It's fact that people who are victims sometimes become abusers. A lot of women may lack control in their life so they may pray on men or boys that they have power over. During slavery often white women preyed on black men specifically because they were the only ones they could control. I think we need to teach and make people understand that r@pe is about control not sex drive.

[@taterthot99]

jennette is a huge inspiration to all victims of child exploitation & abuse as well as E.Ds

[@ShellyManne1]

The statement about the eating disorder to have control applies to me. I came to discover this on my own as an adult. I came from a divorced home and a less than stellar father. My life was filled with what I call mini traumas. I now can look back and see I was having anxiety that manifested as panic attacks and claustrophobia. I just wanted my childhood to end. Adulthood couldn’t come fast enough. And I came to realize the only thing I had much control of was my diet. I didn’t have a fear of being forced to eat what was given to me so I became a “picky eater”. Now, I understand that it was to give myself some power over what felt was a powerless situation. I was very very thin. I was teased as a child and into my young teens because I am a guy and being ultra thin was far from masculine. One of the memories that confirmed that I was not a “picky eater” was when I would go to friends homes I would eat everything they cooked. I remember eating a baked potato and thinking how delicious it was. So I had this unusual relationship with food as a kid. As an adult I’ll try anything. I love food and when I became a young adult and had independence I started trying all kinds of food and teaching myself to cook. And as a stay at home dad, it was important to me that my kids have a healthy idea of food. I’m proud to say that my kids love all kinds of vegetable and fruits and they are adventuresome with trying new foods. One of the ways I accomplished this was not having a lot of rules around food. I love to cook and I’ll make them what they want to eat most of the time if it’s available. I have the luxury as a a stay at home dad and having a love for cooking. They also have a wide pallet so they will generally eat whatever I make them plus if they don’t want to eat something then most most of the time it’s a non issue.

[@CameupLavender]

I want to thank you so much, for bringing up how women can be predators. As a woman who was sexually assaulted by a woman, so many people wrote off my experience because it was a woman who did it. But, it still broke me at the time and I'm still healing now; years later.

[@hanna-writes]

It baffles me that people are so unable to see outside of their own lives. I’ve never been abused and my parents are great, and my first thought when I heard the title was “I wonder what her mum put her through to make her feel that way”, not “how could she say that about her own mother?” I wonder if the people who react really vehemently have a reason to feel defensive about their relationship with their parents or children or both.

[@diannebrett4074]

You have much empathy, and are unusual. Most people who haven’t experienced such trauma cannot comprehend it. It’s people like you who will make this world a better place, by showing compassion for what you don’t understand, and helping us people who have been through it, feel like we are heard, and not alone🌷

[@nicoletteellis1277]

Wow, thank you for this one Doctor Honda. I wasn’t sexually abused but my mother is a very disturbed individual and it took me until my 20’s to realize how extensive her emotional, mental, and sometimes physical abuse was. I know it was wrong. I know the things she said to me and still say are unacceptable and that there’s a very good reason it’s nearly impossible for me to stand up for myself in any situation in a healthy way. I know the media is throwing around the word gaslight a lot but my therapist assured me that I experienced that over and over any time I fought back a bit and has resulted in me having severe depression and anxiety attached to my inability to see situations clearly and accurately if I’m ever in the right. Despite all of this, I still find myself trying to empathize with her because I know her childhood was hell. She went through things no kid or adult should ever face and they were at the hands of people she trusted. But thank you for pointing out that her childhood isn’t my fault or my burden. It doesn’t excuse her behavior and all of us kids in my family deserved to be safe. I don’t know how I’ll feel when she dies, but I know it won’t be the heart wrenching grief others feel. Anyway, I’m rambling, just thank you Dr Honda for understanding where so many adults with abusive mothers come from.

[@alexandraludwiczak2105]

My stepfather and mother both abuse me in various ways. I knew they'd "had it worse" was a main defense of their behavior when I was a kid. I just needed someone to tell me that I didn't deserve to be treated that way ❤ It felt amazing to hear it from you, and yes I'm in therapy 😁

[@sydastark]

As someone who lost my mom last year ,I get it . I couldn’t have the healing I do now if she was still here . Of course I’m devastated, but I’m also relieved and grateful on some level. I love that she is sharing her truth. I believe this is part of how we heal generational wounds . By bringing the shadows to light . She’s clearly doing what she can not to continue in her mothers path. Inspiring

[@jilliangeisel2585]

I don't really understand people who were angry about the title. It's "I'm glad MY mom died" not "I'm glad YOUR mom died"

[@samum5856]

Slowly, but surely, we are learning how often things offered to us as entertainment are actually somebody’s tragedies: zoos, circurses, child show business, music and movies. I am so glad we’re moving in the right direction.

[@animalcrackers8880]

12:08 My mom did similar to me- she wanted me to stay sick, refused to help, and would do opposite of what my medical team (during a very brief period where I had to have one or else she’d have CPS called) told her. She’d get angry and tell me she was walking on eggshells and I’m HER daughter and she shouldn’t be told what to do; she can do what she wants to her daughter. I’m 31 and still partly dependent on my mother. I still have a raging eating disorder- it takes months and years of my life away from me at times. I’ve been to therapists but most don’t know what to do with me(I don’t have a support system, and I’m stuck in a catch 22 that I won’t get into). I don’t really know how else to live. As long as I’m dependent, she can use me, blackmail me into doing things, and so on. She holds a lot over me and I know I can never be honest with her about anything without poking the bear. If I was a functional adult, it would possibly be different. Having the ED would often make me so exhausted that I’d be an easy target for her desire to argue and put someone down. This book has been really triggering to read, and I feel so sorry for Jennette. I can only hope she’s doing a bit better now-I haven’t finished it yet. that said- I really love your video and view on all of this. I know it’s not the point, but it was honestly so validating.

[@courtr1588]

I'm so sorry. Hugs.

[@KamiP91]

Me and my older sister were sexually abused as a kid by a woman. It was my dad’s new partner. My parents got divorced when I was 4 and my dad started dating a prostitute. I don’t have any actual memories of it, just a few recurring dreams. I don’t know why that is. I do know it happened because of stories adults told me later in life and because of the court mandated order that my dad could no longer take us to his house. He had to see us someone else’s house with third party present. My dad never believed anyone that she was abusive. Not even when she tried to run me and my sister over with a pickup truck. My dad was with this woman till the day he died and it hurt me tremendously he would believe her and not a defenseless kid. He was supposed to protect me and my sister but instead he put this woman in our lives that harmed us.

[@Zelepookins817]

I had a very difficult relationship with my father. He was an alcoholic. We were living in extreme poverty. He had become disabled and was a very bitter, angry man. He called me when he was dying, he wanted me to be where he was. I couldn't travel because of an ear infection. I put everything aside and just told him over the phone that I forgive him. I knew he was dealt a crappy hand. I let him know I was ok and that we were good. He told me he knew he was not a good father. I told him I knew he would have if he could. He was gone by morning. Doing that took a huge load off my chest. I understand that title. I felt that relief and that closure.

[@LPSlight0]

This is why youth liberation should be talked about more. There is something profoundly fucked up about a kid's entire support network relying upon one or two people. There is something profoundly fucked up at how children aren't allowed to say no or set boundaries without being punished in some way. There is something profoundly messed up at treating kids like properties of their parents, able to do whatever they please with them. Children deserve freedom too. They are an oppressed class, and this should be addressed. Children should have an entire community to rely upon, not just their parents, so if abuse is happening, the children can leave the situation without losing their entire support network and throwing their future into jeopardy. It takes a village to raise a child anyway, so instead of the nuclear family model where children are the cattle of the family, we should create egalitarian, alloparentic families for children to rely on, and respect their right to set boundaries.

[@RemusHolt]

18:47 Jeanette says in the book that an excuse that her mom gave her for doing this was because she wanted to check Jeannette’s body for cancer and that Jeanette wouldn’t know what cancer looked like so the mom had to do it but I believe that that was what I just said it was an excuse

[@GooseAdvocate]

Yes! I love this book. Read it under 48 hours.

[@daniellelarsen9767]

Yes! Same! I flew right through it! It was captivating and painful and just such a valuable insight into that world and how to heal.

[@theinvisibleme4104]

Same!!

[@lyciumchld]

My mother has abused me similarly, but instead of enforcing communal bathing and calorie restriction, she coopted my emotional labor as her therapist, and has routinely punished me for any movement toward adulthood and independence. I begin to make progress and she feels abandoned and acts out. I freeze and regress and become passive, and she regulates. So I start making progress again and she begins to act out again, and I freeze, regress and become passive. It never ends. I've lost years of my life to this, failed out of college because studying ended up becoming a trigger (my brain literally stopped allowing me to do it because my mother kept intervening and punishing me for not fixing my attention on her. The more important the task, the harder she would push. Finals were the absolute worst. Eyes would unfocus upon opening a book and I would dissociate). I'm now here caregiver as she has dementia in addition to the cluster b issues and cannot live alone, and I'm too impaired to support myself. It's a nightmare symbiosis. A fantastic therapist is working with me to try and unpack the stuff that keeps me small and immobile so I can live a life of my own. Progress is slow but fairly steady.

[@lyciumchld]

@CaveraDeMonte as I said I'm her caregiver and too impaired myself to support myself. So I'm stuck. I see her every day. She seeks my attention compulsively. I am working on getting more functional so eventually I can at least keep things afloat. I need to be able to support myself by the time she loses mobility and has to be in a facility, because I cannot lift her.

[@lyciumchld]

I'm 45 and have sort of come to terms with the fact that most of my life has been wasted by abusive and disloyal people. My hope is to at least make the rest of my life bearable and set myself up so I can enjoy my later years, work through my trauma so I can finally self actualize without being imprisoned by fear.

[@lakritz8732]

Broke off contact to my parents ten years ago completely (after going through a year of therapy and finally realising I could never change them). It has been a huge relief. Soo many people shame me and say things like “you’re going to regret it when they’re dead“. No, I won’t. It’s 100% freeing to me.

[@Shobz-e8s]

I love how you throw in “everyone should be in therapy” 😂😂 I believe that too and it’s just funny coz I feel like blurting that out almost everyday 😂

[@deedeewinfrey3181]

I'm so proud of her for telling her story and breaking the cycle of abuse. Society likes to kill the messenger and throw stones. It's wasnt her fault that the person who was supposed to love her the most didn't, and no child is responsible for what an adult does to them.

[@blondinevloggt]

i'm obsessed with her. i loved her character on icarly as a kid, back when i thought being a child actor must be the best life anyone could wish for. i hope she inspires more child actors to speak out about how abusive the industry clearly is. always call out child abuse! especially when the abuse is considered socially acceptable.

[@GabyP17]

Oh man. I'm currently healing from parental abuse and trauma. It's the slow realizations that they intentionally hurt you that really strike. It's a difficult process, but I'm going back to therapy to keep trying to heal. Hearing a professional perspective makes me feel so heard though. Thanks for making me feel a bit less crazy lol.

[@kathleenryan1371]

My mother is a cruel, selfish and manipulative woman as well. I will not mourn when she dies.

[@diannebrett4074]

When mine finally dies, I will be able to freely breathec

[@kathleenryan1371]

@@diannebrett4074 I am sorry sweetheart! Narcissistic and psychopathic mothers should NOT be allowed to procreate. Sending much love! :)

[@rayhollander]

JM's life reminds me so much of Drew Barrymore's, which I recently read about. The industry really needs to change, bc not only the parents fail them, but the adults in the room who know how this world works did nothing but encouraged the toxic behaviors.

[@sarahb9029]

This was huge for me because I have not had contact with my biological mother for about 7 years. At first, the judgment was awful and I always got the comments like "you will change your mind" or "but she is your mother" and now, after a lot of healing, therapy (and finally medication which I know is controversial but has made a world of difference for me) I feel firm in my decision. I am also surrounded by people who are supportive of my choice and while it was not initially my choice to lose contact with my mom, I am grateful for and no longer feel guilt about my relief.

[@heyspeckle8782]

How I hate the "but she is your mother" comment! I got it so many times as well and it feels like a kick in the face. Now I ask: so you want me to stay in contact with an abusive, toxic person just because she's my mother? You want me to feel absolutely miserable? Thanks a lot, mate. People really need to understand that blood relations mean absolutely nothing. If I had a partner who abused me like that no one would want me to stay with them.

[@las5510]

I admire Jeannette so much. She's a beautiful soul and a brave trailblazer, because it's not easy to do what she's doing especially in her circumstances

[@TheOfficialDirtyDan]

Jeanette is speaking up for so many abused children and past abused children. I was never abused, emotionally yes but we always apologized. I could never imagine what everyone that can understand and relate to Jeanette went through. I just could never. To all those who relate to Jeanette, you’re so strong. Keep staying that way. You are amazing and never deserved what you went through and it wasn’t your fault.

[@artparty222murphy9]

People need to understand the effects of emotional abuse by a mother to a child. Suffered it. In therapy still , at almost 70 yrs old.

[@BaileyBlurbs]

I didn’t realize how abusive and horrible my bio mom was until I was 17. When I compared myself to my friends, I wondered why their moms were so nice. I always wondered why all of my friends were afraid of my mom. She was a psycho….10 years later and I haven’t spoken to her at all. Still healing from the abuse. When she does, I’ll feel the same complex feelings as Jennette. I’ll be fine when she dies…I don’t care. Thank you Jennette.

[@alyzu4755]

I worked in the entertainment industry for over 2 decades. I,too, would love to see children completely taken out of the industry. It's hard enough on adults. Thank you for this.

[@sarahm5936]

"You never deserve to be abused." Thank you for this. It's so important, and it needs to be said.

[@nerdee89]

My own situation with my biological mum is different. I consider my stepmum my real mum. She’s the one who raised me and make me the adult that I am now. As with my biological mum, I’ve completely cut her out of my life. She made me lie to my dad, my grandmother and strangers when I was very little. All of that just to get more money. The last straw was when she lied to my special needs brother who just wanted to keep her in his life and made him fall into debt. It was really hard because everyone else in my dad’s family knew how she is and even hated her and when I say I didn’t want to talk to her anymore, they shamed me for it.

[@SMiles.21]

I felt such a sense of relief when my dad, who was not abusive but was a non-functioning alcoholic, died. I also felt immensely guilty because I could feel the judgement from people because I wasn't feeling or acting how they would in that situation. To hear that those feelings are valid, and to know that I'm not alone, is indescribable. Empathy goes a long way.

[@teamcougars]

My mom sounds a lot like her mom , I’m not necessarily glad my mom died but I had a huge sense of relief when my mother passed y mother was still very emotionally abusive when I was in my 20’s and she died. I personally felt the physical abuse was easier to deal with the bruises and welts healed but emotionally abuse stays with you forever: I’m 53 and I still hear her in the back of my head to this day😥

[@diannebrett4074]

I’m 57, and wish to god the nightmare of her still being alive is over soon

[@nichollebraspennickx943]

I was 51 when I divorced my mom... it’s been a couple years... and the improvement to my self love and compassion are so freeing.... I’m not hearing her negative talk in my head .. and I can catch myself thinking self defeating thoughts and I now I know none of it is true.

[@kmarina4261]

I finished reading this last week and it was one of my favorite reads of the year, although a heavy one. So so happy you're covering this :) Btw there's also an audiobook version you could react to, it is read by Jennette herself and she does an amazing job at keeping the reader/listener engaged.

[@soulgalaxywolf1024]

"The women could be predators" part, it was mentioned in Glee. They handled it poorly, and I'm still beyond angry about it. Sam shared it with his club about his babysitter, and they congratulated him on it. Glee used this just so Sam could get closer to another character, the same one who tricked someone into having an eating disorder. Usually, someone, whether it's Mr. Shue, or some other club member would call it out, but nope.

[@felixflax19]

That was Ryder, not Sam, but yeah Glee really screwed up that storyline

[@soulgalaxywolf1024]

@@felixflax19 huh. I think I keep mixing them up for some reason 😶

[@bugbean5500]

Thank you for taking about this! I've been abused in all kinds of ways and don't have any contact with my parents for years now. I sometimes (day)dream that they've died, feel relief and then guilt and shame immediately after. In this video you didn't tell me anything I didn't already know but I it helps so much to hear someone else talk about about this inner dynamics. It's just beyond words that abuse does to you.

[@justaperson8386]

People will question you: "How could you do this, they are your parents" Instead of asking "How could they have messed up so much that you feel the need to cut contact, they are your parents" I heard or read that somewhere, it's not from me, but it brought me some sort of comfort. 💖

[@stargirl6659]

Can I just add that a parent can use many things to keep their kids kids, what comes to mind is religion bc religion promotes “purity” as they see it fit, in order to maintain your salvation.

[@michellewiseman5602]

Dr. Honda mentions that female sexual predators are not often depicted. I would highly recommend the series A Teacher on Hulu for just this!

[@johnrife7134]

Her mom was an awful person. As a person with an awful person as a mother myself I can say it's hard to come to terms with loving someone so vile.

[@lisamartin3734]

I have experienced this feeling first hand and I totally get what she is trying to convey. I felt a great sense of relief when my mother died because she couldn't hurt me any longer. She is very self aware and understands why she is the way she is.

[@AndrewSmoot]

I believe that the people who are offended by the title of Jennette's book are the ones who should read it; her mother was emotionally, and physically, abusive toward Jennette and her siblings. Also, Jennette's anorexia was taught to her and encouraged by her mother, anorexia wasn't something Jennette chose to start doing to feel some control of her life.

[@soilgrasswaterair]

12:31 This reminded me of the clip someone showed me of Gigi Hadid. G.H. called her mom to share she had been ”good” eating wise and had done a model job. The mom then congratulated her and spoke about it being hard to be ”good” and eat salads and work out, but the pay off is worth it. And Gigi Hadid sounded so happy about the achievement of watching her weight, and you could hear how happy her mom’s approval made her. I think back to my own upbringing and I remember so many mom’s telling their daughters to ”not eat this and that because surely they wouldn’t want to become fat”. This trickled down to the daughters watching over and policing their female classmates and friends and random girls at school (praising the thin ones and saying negative things about the girls that were overweight). So much times these young girls consumed on paying attention to the weight of almost every female the looked (except retired women). I would feel very bothered by all of this because I did gymnastics and also played a very cardio demanding sport during my upbringing, and I hated gym class due to having other girls commenting on my body and wanting to touch my muscles. *I wished kids would be allowed to be kids!* So many comment on other people’s physical appearance, without reflecting what those comments do to others. For some it developes into this lifelong battle with insecurities, low self-esteem and exhausting eating disorders (that are also life threatening). People do know what they say, because they are careful to not say those cruel things at all times. They say those things when it’s safe and no one will hold them accountable. / Scandinavian