I Ruined My Life

What happens when you go against all the advice everyone gives you and ruin your life? In this video, I reflect on how I ruined my life two years ago and the fallout from it.
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WHO AM I?
Hey there, I’m Cinzia DuBois. I’m a part-time, self-funded PhD student and KZbinr, Podcaster and writer. I’ve been creating videos for over thirteen years. I discuss productivity, personal development, PhD, academia and mental well-being on this channel. On my main channel, I talk about all things dark and ancient history, literature and folklore.
Chapters:
0:00 Introduction
0:46 Let's talk money
1:15 Relationships
3:06 Why it was necessary to ruin my life
4:39 PhD Update
7:45 Documenting my Ruined Life

[@intellectgrime]

"Yes I technically ruined my life but I'm an ancient history student and I'm in love with ruins" is the best line I've heard in a video in a long time. Thank you for sharing :)

[@jon-paulfilkins7820]

So, tell me more about the theory that Egyptology is nothing but a Pyramid Scheme?😜

[@TALKmd]

Oh yes - this was authentic part !

[@R.Specktre]

I can relate. Ancient warfare specialist. Please get rid of those books and go digital❣

[@RandaMoody]

If you put this on a shirt I would buy it 😂

[@TALKmd]

@@RandaMoody lol

[@ms.bronte8994]

I "ruined" my life by leaving the software field to pursue my PhD in literature. I started teaching and took my first class this semester yesterday. Cheers to pursuing our passions! This was a perfect video, thank you.

[@autumn399]

Is teaching literature nice? I’m interested but scared to pursue it

[@CrisTryingToBeProductive]

I'm considering leaving the software field job, I put a 10 year mark to do it, at least to take one or two years sabbatical. I'm a second year Anthropology student, I don't think I pursue a job in it either. I also have basic level in Mandarin, intermediate in Portuguese and English (native language is Spanish) besides my Computer Science degree. My sister told me to not worry about leaving my job with my set of skills, those words gave me peace.

[@autumn399]

@@CrisTryingToBeProductive I've been considering software engineering as well? Is it not worth it? I don't really have prior knowledge or experience in it, I'm not sure I'll enjoy it but I don't know what else to do. What do u think?

[@3N4N]

I'm a software engineer. Gonna start MSc next year. But I kinda just wanna be a librarian.

[@autumn399]

@@3N4N hello, as a software engineer, can you give me some advice about my situation that I wrote in the comment above you, it would be really helpful for me

[@Angy379545]

Your statement about not needing to prove your academic abilities to anyone was something I really needed to hear. Thanks for sharing this insight into your life 💖

[@SelfHelpShelf]

Glad it was helpful!

[@zoebrugg7594]

Same.

[@AndrewKendall71]

I would love to hear just a touch more about this. In grad work, it seems entirely about proving academic abilities. Does this mean not personally obsessing or perfectionist-ing about the work, letting what's doable stand or require tweaks? ...or something else?

[@AntonYadrov777]

Seriously, how can people be this insecure about themselves and need external validation constantly? Why torture yourself and ruin the interesting side of learning? I never gave a damn what others think about my academic achievements (and pretty much everything else about me)- it is their problem, after all, not mine. Always have been in minimal effort mode, only doing what's strictly necessary and the rest only if it is interesting somehow _and_ if the time I would spend on it is not better off used on something with more long-term value.

[@ilona3630]

​@@AntonYadrov777 some people may have various childhood traumas from the way their parents treated them, which is why their brains are wired to function in that way. If external validation was the only thing that gave you comfort as a child, you're going to keep seeking for it as an adult

[@tylerreed7615]

“I spent nearly three decades as a people pleasing doormat” I sure felt that one. I didn’t really start being a people pleaser until after high school but it’s something I’m already sick of and wish I could get away from. I’m more than happy to subscribe to you

[@Mr.Witness]

The virtue of selfishness

[@patriciahayes2664]

@@Mr.Witness Yes, selfishness can be a good thing if it's done correctly.

[@Cobalt985]

You can do it. A good therapist can make a life of difference.

[@tylerreed7615]

@@Cobalt985 I definitely feel like I need a good therapist, I’ve got so many issues that need fixed

[@jsbrads1]

@@patriciahayes2664 I still am, and I think it is good to be like I am and as an exercise I tried saying no to people and I rejected it immediately, it doesn’t feel right. 😅

[@rachelpepper5149]

“ I kept myself small to make others feel better about themselves”. That resonated with me in a big way.

[@ellah-hv3pr]

Me too❤

[@rdd4356]

Me too.

[@MCracknell]

‘I’m an ancient history student, and I’m in love with ruins.’ Is such a sentiment that I fully understand. I’m currently doing my masters in ancient history and this hits really hard because I completely understand everything that you’ve been saying.

[@ClayMastah344]

My people!!!

[@lilianaohara]

I'm about to start my degree in BA history, its something that i am passionate and interested in, and yet I'm so so soooo scared that it won't pay off and i won't get a good job from it, but i keep telling myself others have done it, so can i, but to say the least i could do with a bit of a motivational speech😅

[@fancydeer]

When you stop living to please others you realize how many people truly appreciate you for who you are.

[@Chrissyhappy]

These words are very true…😊

[@dernochjungenoergler]

Oh oh oh a piece of the deepest truth in the world, thanks

[@vivianbrasilhelms]

After a lifetime as a doormat, I too, ruined my life by walking away from a job, friendships and relationships that just brought me down. Alone has never felt so liberating! Makes me happy to see you do well ❤

[@passivezealot5631]

Im very glad to hear that even though youve "ruined your life" youre happier in your life and feel more fulfilled. I have been there myself

[@reginamndii]

You are just what i need. I am 21 and I fucked it up my life so bad. So so so bad. I study smth I hate and I want to drop off bcz im interested and talented in tottaly different career. I noticed it just a year ago, while i was crying hating my all life and asked myself "what do I really enjoy and want to do rest of my life ?" It was there for the whole time I was just soooo fkin blind to see it. Now I dont want to waste more of my life and want to drop off uni that I hate. The university itself, the classmates, professors, the city, the dorm, every second I waste on a path that doesnt get me to my true self, I hate it all. I hope I can fix my mistakes, and live a life that is mine. You are my idol.

[@BeyondtheHiggs]

The academic jealousy is real. I am the first person in my family to go to college, for both a bachelors and masters degree. As the youngest female member of a Hispanic family, I got the most push back from my mother and grandmother. When I graduated with my masters, I didn't tell my family about my schooling until I was 2 weeks away from graduating. My now husband then boyfriend was amazing though.

[@LilyGazou]

Congrats. I was the first female in the family to graduate from college. Took years to pay the debt. Then I didn’t want to take on more debt when I already had developed a career. Always thought I might manage to return to it. But at this point it would simply be a piece of paper. No one ever asked to see my diploma.

[@patrycjakonieczna]

I am one of few person in my family to get academic degree. My family members always underline fact that education doesn't matter to be rich, happy and wonderful person but hard work only. But again they forget the fact that you learn all of your life even without attending schools. They are however too pig headed?! to learn from observations or experience. I know they are jealous because of harsh commentary of well educated people if they fail. And most important thing. People always forget how much time does it require to learn. Knowledge isn't inherritated and educated person choose between having a good time or reading and memorazing a lot.

[@brigidspencer5123]

Congratulations on your achievements!💐

[@brigidspencer5123]

@@patrycjakoniecznaif hard work is what created wealth then most of us would be wealthy! If you enjoy academia then do it for you! When my family criticize my pursuit of my graduate degree I ask if they would have preferred I wasted my life and money being addicted to drugs or working dead end jobs? It is your life, they have their own lives and if they were too afraid to pursue their own dreams that’s on them not you. Dimming your light will not make theirs brighter and I wouldn’t be surprised if they brag about you to others!

[@patrycjakonieczna]

@@brigidspencer5123 Absolutely right! No, they more jealous than happy to see anybody at college or university. They were envious when my Mum worked at office, too. Nowadays having Bachelor or Master become a sort of snobbish must and some people sent children to school to only fullfil their own ambitions of being educated. I went to uni becasue it was my dream and my late Mum was my biggest supporter saying "don not give up". Maybe they laugh sometimes because uni graduate have hard times to find a good job but nothing comes fast and easy. Education consumes much time but it is worth of effort.

[@anearzelus7989]

I turned 30 this year and the vibes and life philosophy you are showing in this video is what I find myself aspiring to: to feel fulfilled, and living a slower life. It was really nice seeing my sentiment reflected in someone else. I love your mythological content and I'm really happy to hear you are in a good place in your life. This was a very uplifting and inspirational video hahaha

[@SelfHelpShelf]

I'm so glad x

[@stephb1221]

I ruined mine by exchanging a soul crushing, socially acceptable and rather lucrative career for one as a tattoo artist, which slowly is becoming lucrative but by golly is it light years more rewarding and definitely in tune with my inner self. I now have a role in an ancient tradition and feel a far deeper connection to the history I so love as a result. I get to make living art. 💕💕 Kudos to you for taking that frightening step to traverse the unknown, your truest self was always going to be on the other side of it.

[@koston_varjo3536]

this comment was purely made to boost engagement...

[@xenxenxen]

Great!!

[@yb958]

Not skipping adverts on this one, you’ve literally touched upon my biggest problem that I’ve too scared to face. I’ve been sacrificing my well-being for others to promote their own comfort and it’s brought me crippling anxiety and depression. It gives me hope that things may change.

[@holyfreak8]

Happiness is not a destination, but a path we build and walk day by day. Thanks for sharing this Cinzia. Sometimes I feel the same and I can relate to what you said here.

[@ExLibris-Alys]

I’m so glad that you’re comfortable in your own skin and happy at last. I used to worry about you when I watched your videos years ago. Well done 👏🏻 😊

[@SelfHelpShelf]

Thank you so much!!

[@stephaniem1107]

I really needed this video. As someone who left a career to return to study in my early 30s and now relies on part time work and welfare to get by, it can be really isolating. Especially when everyone you know is buying a house and getting married whilst my mum is convinced I'm going to become a bag lady on the streets. But it is exactly how you describe as well! My mental and physical health have never been better and I've never been happier because I have the time and space to take care of myself properly whilst studying something I really love. So thank you Cinzia for making me feel less alone, definitely subscribing!

[@namedrop721]

I don’t know if it helps, but depending on your country only a tiny slice of people can actually afford marriage, house, kids in any order let alone by the requisite 30. The people who have been most rude to me about these kinds of things have usually been the ones they’re just handed too and they’re projecting.

[@lynseymacmakeup]

"I'm very much in love with the ruins of my life so far" is one of the loveliest things I've ever heard 😭❤ This whole video is fantastic, I'm so happy for you.

[@Relmyna]

Wow. "I'm an ancient history student and im in love with ruins. I'm in love with the ruins of my life." that's so poetic. I love that for you.

[@jeremysmith4620]

I completely ruined mine as well, the interesting part is always the how. Good news is that, with enough work, a life can certainly be un-ruined. Mine wasn't so much spurning advice and making different choices than what others had suggested, but instead something all together more destructive I'd wager. I know the story will end up well because anyone with the fortitude and drive to deal with a KZbin audience has nerves of absolute steel.

[@gj2600]

Oh this is will be the longest 24 hours to wait, I really hope the title is click bait 💔 Sending you lots of strength during this time ❤️❤️

[@daniedeville8834]

Your new life is going to cost you your old one. I always called it “have to light my life on fire” but I’m happy for you! I’m so happy to see you being so happy! I’ve followed you for years and the old not spending videos to now, even the way you talk now is so different - the confidence in your voice and self. Love this for you ♥️

[@fshbulb1]

You wouldn't believe how happy it makes me to hear how well you're doing mentally. I've been here a while and your mental health struggles are similar to my own, and hearing the pain that you had gone through broke my heart ❤ Best of luck going into your second year!

[@peerreviewed]

As a fellow self funding, part time PhD student with no cohort - lets be cohort mates! Honestly one of my favourite aspects of the academic community online is the community aspect, especially when you find someone on a similar unconventional path

[@viridianduchess]

✋ can I join? I'm also a self funded PhD with a microscopic cohort

[@lesleygarcia7608]

Me too! Instant new subbie here. 4th year PhD student...you know what that means 😅😢😅

[@ceooflonelinessinc.267]

I am 33, and still trying to get my bachelors. Due to that still living at home. No friends, no partner.

[@IllustratedTheory]

Yes, let's!

[@barneyy6942]

What is a cohort?

[@Spamish93]

As a lifelong people pleaser, it can feel so terrifying to stop living for other people and start living for yourself. I love this video.

[@miguelon2595]

For the longest time I’ve been afraid of “ruining my life”. Now I feel like I can give it a try. Thank you so much!

[@kleri1403]

Sometimes we need to "ruin our lives" to find "ourselves"! I'm glad you are finding your path to your happiness! Your example is inspiring! Thank you! xx

[@Dressmealltheway]

I "ruined my life" by quitting a job that supported my partner and I and helped build savings, to start to try and build a career in a 9-5 job. Any career, I wasn't picky. 50% paycut. Since then I have had time to build multiple hobbies and make friends who genuinely want to spend time with me. I don't hate my coworkers or managers anymore, and I actually feel like they respect me and my time. I feel less stressed about money, weirdly. I am physically healthier because I've been able to gain fat and muscle. And I was able to be home for my cats every night. 1000x happier despite the troubles it brought.

[@Kiwi-in1ib]

I'm in my mid 30s and have really struggled with where I am in my life the last few years. I basically put a full stop to my professional career while watching my friends make big strides in their own and it has been really difficult. Recently, I've been doubting my choice to put myself first, but your video really helped remind me that life isn't all about the corporate rat race and to take joy in the things that bring fulfillment to you. Thank you and best of luck on your PhD!

[@ceooflonelinessinc.267]

I am 33. Still trying to finally get my FIRST degree. Still living at home. Not many friends, never had a partner. You are not alone!

[@queerlybeloved257]

when u said "i've honestly never been happier" at like 2:24 and smiled :''') omfg. i could feel the happiness through the screen. i'm so happy FOR u!!!!

[@wanderinghistorian]

"I've ruined my life, but I'm an ancient history student and I'm in love with ruins." This statement was beautiful. Just beautiful.

[@debramilam.3123]

I hear you! One of my two biggest mistakes was not thinking my family wouldn’t be jealous of me . The other mistake I made was expecting people to have the same standards and values I did and was often depressed by realizing how often I misjudged people and was taken advantage of. How often I treated people kindly but treated badly by the same people. Hopefully I have learned from these experiences too.

[@MoonMaidMokona]

As an author and literary editor about to ruin a "productive bullet journal entrepreneur freelancer" way of life, thank you for this video ❤️ it takes courage and a certain peace of mind to be able to let go of expectations (and money lol) and realize that money, time, opportunities etc will come and go, and we have the power to shape our own lives. I guess age has a lot to do with it as well (also in my 30s). Also, hope your youtube income gets to a sustainable level soon, your thumbnails have been really cool lately! Rooting for you 🙌

[@MoonMaidMokona]

(Obligatory "not a native speaker" so apologies for any mistakes)

[@christinecassidy2689]

"I'm an ancient history student and I love ruins..." Brilliant!

[@martinak7772]

You have no idea how much hearing this helped me. I am considering leaving my corporate job (for a while) and I have been working only part time (with the other part of my time doing what I actually want to do) but I have troubles making the leap into the unknown. Somehow, after listening to you, it has started feeling much more "right" as to say, to finally do it. So... thank you, and good luck on your journey 🙂🍀

[@rudra62]

If you can, DO IT. I left a corporate job that was eating me alive a few decades ago. While I do occasionally think "what if I hadn't?", I look at what I've done. I've run my own business. I've taken some low-paid jobs that I *wanted* to do. I took classes in what interested me, and got certifications in things my community needed someone to work in. I moved into the country. I got married (again) 15 years ago, and am getting ready for a 16th anniversary tomorrow.

[@ThePhilologicalBell]

Thank you so much for making this video Cinzia. As someone in their fourth and final year of a PHD in Old English literature I couldn't agree more. There's so much in terms of just personal growth and development as a scholar that has happened in the course of this which I would take over the career advancement I could have been pursuing otherwise. I often hear so much negativity from other people doing humanities PHDs so your video was a ray of light

[@LilyGazou]

I’m enjoying a book today- The Word Hord. Loving it, really.

[@CherriesJubilee]

I also took my Masters degree in my mid-thirties. I was in a pretty intense program, but I loved it and found I didn't have to prove anything to anyone either. I enjoy your videos because you are interested in researching things that I am interested in and you tell a [pretty good story. Aren't the ruins just fascinating?

[@Event_Horizon14]

I relate to so much to what you said. I ruined my life by starting a PhD 3+ years ago. And even though I was fully funded, handling the cost of living crisis whilst also renting in London hasn't been fun to say the least. Tbh I count my decision to start a PhD as the single most financially ruinous event in my entire life and I'm still kicking myself over it. I know most of us romantic, idealistic types like to think it's all worth it if you're having fun and learning new things but the bottom line is that while my peers were getting married and getting promoted and earning a handsome income, I was barely surviving on below minimum wage and getting more and more depressed by the day. It didn't help that I had a very rude awaking about the realities of the academic careeer path. Most of my post-doc colleagues were living project-to-project and dreading the time their funding would inevitably run out. Then they would have to start feverishly applying for more funding (with no guarantee of getting it), or agreeing to move half-way across the world for another fixed-term post-doc. Not to mention the mental toll of the publish-or-perish mentality and the expectation of having basically no free time as you're constantly expected to either be publishing, submitting revisions, applying for grants, or doing more research. I'm now in the process of quitting out of my PhD and finally starting to breathe easy again.

[@Gojirosan]

You're an amazing human, and support you and your marvellous life. Keep smashing it, Cinzia x

[@SelfHelpShelf]

Thank you so much!!

[@chrisconnors7418]

I'm sad that you've experienced people not being supportive during your PhD and even being competitive. That's the exact opposite of my grad school experience. Incredibly supportive people including fellow students and advisors as well as friends/family. But glad to hear you're feeling so much better

[@toomiepal]

I really love your podcast. Thanks for sharing this part of your life and experience. My career was a self employed professional puppeteer. I didn't get rich but I survived. I loved what I did and it brought me a great deal of joy and satisfaction. Best wishes to you.

[@Lauren.Wagstaff]

This is such a hopeful video. Also, I’ve seen this a few times now and “yes I’ve ruined my life but I’m an ancient history student. I’m in love with ruins” is just GREAT

[@iuneg1381]

Girl.... I'm subscribing and watching all your videos from now on. So much to learn from you and rooting for your channel. ❤

[@SelfHelpShelf]

Thank you so much!!

[@bernardmulligan5504]

I appreciate how much courage it must actually take to put all this out there. I myself am not going back to school or anything, but I think your outlook here is very transferable to a lot of other people's different situations in life. It's helpful to hear, so thank you!

[@llandriell]

Yes! Welcome to the club 😎 I’ve identified as a professional failure for more than a decade (I’m now 35) but it’s only been the last few years I’ve managed to reflect on my findings and really started to live. Brilliantly imperfect.

[@galatruc5480]

I'm quite younger but I am also doing an unfunded PhD part time (against pretty much everyone's advice) - while pursuing some sort of a career in something completely unconnected (sports). While it's far from easy all the time, especially financially, I am so immensely grateful for the intellectual freedom and the sense of purpose it gives me. Moreover as you said, this way of "doing" academia is also preventing me from research being this all consuming endeavor. Lots of people (phd candidates or graduates) have told me when I applied "you will see your PhD project becomes your entire personality" and I always found this prospect terrifying. Of course my project is a product of my personality, but my personality reaches much further than that, and to be able to expand it across so radically different skill sets and social environments feels like taking the growth bullet train. Lots of people, the same ones, have also promised that I will surely get depressed in no time. Believe that I know a fair bit about depression, and the past year has been the first of the past *decade* where I moved through life without its weight on my every decision. I am about to start my 2nd year (so, the second part of my first year!) and I am still as motivated by my project, first chapter written and incredibly excited to move to the next step! While every story is worth telling I am glad to hear one that resembles mine, and I hope this voice will reach whichever ears need to hear it.

[@hannasophia18]

The title piqued my interest, but I wasn't sure what to expect. I love this perspective, you have a new subscriber :) I turned 30 this year and I'm slowly working towards more peace and doing the things that make me happy. I'm so done with all the hyper productivity hack youtube channels that I followed out of desperations in my 20s (and that I could never achieve).

[@lamarabbit]

This resonate so much with me. I had a,similer journy. The 20s is when I found myself, I went to uni just to please family, and then found how I struggled. The last 15 months I am also off the pills, and I found how to say no to those who hurt me, and the need for them came away. In the end at my 30s I am juat more me.

[@ItsTooLatetoApologize]

I’m so glad to hear you’re well and feeling fulfilled. A few years ago I started writing in-depth reviews and analysis about the books I was reading and it has been such a great journey for me. People don’t really understand why I spend the time doing it and often some people are downright rude about it, but I love it. Thank you for putting yourself out there.

[@xfairfaeriex]

I’m so glad to hear that I’m not the only one who does this! I’ve only shared this with a couple of close people and luckily it’s been an overall neutral reaction from them.

[@TheBookedEscapePlan]

I think most people struggle with understanding what it is like to be passionately intellectual to to comprehend what it is like to need the stimulation research gives those belonging to that set. I get asked often when I'm reading something why I bother studying what I study and all I can say is, "If a subject fascinates you, and you don't pursue its trail, you wither inside."

[@TomA-vl8ce]

“I kept myself small” been there. How amazing that we don’t do this now

[@alexhika]

Wow, this one hit hard ❤ I can't say our situations are that similar in practice, but "the vibe" is very similar. I had a drastic change in lifestyle in 2021 (thank god in my case the people close to me were supportive) and looking from the outside, it might seem like I "messed up" what used to be an ideal situation. And it was! I loved my previous life, but the thing is, what I have now is better for the current me, for my mental health, it fills my soul even if it doesn't exactly fill my bank account lol Sending good vibes and following ❤

[@Torgo1001]

You discover who your true friends and family are when you can no longer do anything for them...when you develop a seriously debilitating illness, are unemployed for a long period, become bankrupt, etc. Your fair-weather friends and family will invariably disappear from your life.

[@DarkINsides06]

I throw in a shit ton of tea bags in a pot with a shit ton of honey, cinnamon, & powdered cloves and then I'll put that in the fridge and keep using it till it's lost flavor, I know the struggle, love your work you're brilliant keep on keepin on❤

[@katkat7241]

The transormational process you describe is what I experienced as well. Like two years ago. And I am in my mid forties. ❤️

[@kaylastarr3822]

Yay! I'm so glad to see that you're starting a second channel for productivity and academia related things. I've always loved your perpective on those things. Your 80% effective video helped me so much❤

[@Gravelgratious]

Thanks for the unbelievably perfect timing Cinzia! This is the boon we all needed! Glad you are well, and please keep up the good work!

[@kasandra0]

I am so glad to hear that you're in a good place and enjoying your degree. Can't wait to see your future videos!

[@paulinehanna2001]

Cinzia, you have grown into yourself and become what you were meant to be. From that comes calm confidence, and all the things you describe as having left behind or excluded from your life were the things that were holding you back. I’m delighted to see you in such a good place. The advice you offer here is so spot on. It’s important to treat your own life with utter respect, just as you describe. Wishing you well going forward xx

[@PabloVostok]

Way to go Cinzia! I relate to most of what you talk about in this video, so I get very happy hearing you talk about your mental health, relationship and passion being in better shape than ever before

[@H36662]

Having started my PhD three years ago, this mirrors so many of my experiences! The jealousy, the people who think your time belongs to them! But also the glow up in the relationships we keep. Thanks for putting this so well, I'm so glad the algorithm brought me here

[@mudpawkendra]

Whew, I was so worried when I saw the title, but after watching I'm so happy for you! I'm here for every topic you want to cover. I just enjoy listening to you talk about things!

[@redpillow7221]

Good luck! Glad you're enjoying the process!

[@mossmilktea]

I love this so much. Your channel is a favorite of mine! I agree, the ruins of our past lives are beautiful indeed. Peace and love to you Cinzia🌿

[@bekadavisstudios]

This is the first video of yours that I've seen and I already adore you. I also took a hard left turn and changed my life in a way that my family would call "ruining my life" and it was the best gift I've ever given myself. Looking forward to more videos and wishing you all the best in life.

[@Kats163]

I love how you put this, currently "ruining my life" right now. As I am also a recovering people pleaser and terrified about paying back my enormous student loan this really resonates with me. I am so happy you have found your agency and are enriching your life with what you love, for you. Your content is fascinating, Really I could just listen to you read anything, your voice has such a beautiful soothing tone. Keep doing what makes you happy and Thank you for sharing, its a huge thing to share real things about your life with the internet.

[@lewis6180]

Hi! I really related to what you said about feeling as though you've ruined your life, specifically because of saying the wrong thing or making the wrong move. Sometimes, I get carried away and do and say stupid things in the heat of the moment that leave me feeling ashamed, embarrassed, or even stupid. You having so much confidence in your abilities and not needing validation from others is quite inspiring to me.

[@girlfriday1299]

This has been wonderful to hear! You are so fortunate to have made these discoveries and activated them in your life in your30s! Many people don't figure this out until their 50s or 60s, and many never do! Whenever we discover what we need to, and wherever it takes us, it's an amazing journey. Cheers! 👍💖

[@OnceandFutureShane]

I'm so glad you've found a bit of happiness in your life, Cinzia! My journey into my 30s has been similar in that my career goals have shifted a little in the short term, but I'm finally making real progress on my longterm goals, and I'm learning to be satisfied with the life I have. I'm so glad you're doing well!

[@Star-wh9lc]

Yang or Not No chance in life

[@nickrhodes9031]

So glad to hear how positive the changes have been in your life. May you grow from strength to strength

[@winterburden]

Thank you so much for sharing with us Cinzia! 🙆‍♀️

[@Holly_is_trying]

This is wonderful. As someone who is trying to workout how to pluck up the courage to ruin her life, I appreciate this.

[@elsitacacahuete427]

Cinzia, you are so inspirational because you are a true lover of knowledge and also you are totally real; you are a hard working adult, and a brilliant one too. It will all pay off. 💪

[@philhatch483]

I always look forward to your videos and was afraid you'd be taking a break. Your cheerfulness and realness makes each presentation enjoyable. Thank you for sharing this part of your personal path.❤

[@Laura-ls9sr]

Thank you so much for talking about this! I started a traineeship recently after deciding to ruin my life last year, and I find that I’m struggling with needing to prove my intelligence even though the way it’s set up (which I love!) is with a focus on adapting to feedback rather than expecting us to get everything right the first time. It’s something I’ve struggled with my whole life - I have OCD and ADHD so the thoughts about not being “Good enough” are difficult to quash. Everything I do always has to be “perfect” and I also have a lot of difficulty asking for help. I’m going to keep the thought of “The only person I need to prove anything to is myself” in my mind from now on when it comes to sharing my classwork and projects! I wish you all the best for your PhD! ❤

[@bregowego]

I personally love your academia-related content, and the study with me concepts. I’m finishing my bachelors in interior design, and am preparing research for my entrance papers for a masters in museum studies. all of us students need to band together and help eachother out. it’s tiring, difficult, and quite lonely at times.

[@SuzOfNine]

I'm super happy for you! I feel like congratulating you on reaching the next level (this level is so much easier than the last one

[@gingersal8052]

It's so cool to see you being happy Cinzia, you very much deserve it :-) I don't know if you feel like making more personal videos like this one but they're always a pleasure to watch.

[@vitoriaoliveira5452]

I love how your perspective it's real, sometimes we need to end cycles, we need to feel grief and process old stuff, I'm grateful that I found you video ❤

[@PopeOfNope]

Thank you so much for this! I’m another part-time self-funded PhD in Classics and it’s wonderful hearing someone else having similar experiences! Know EXACTLY what you mean about people not understanding that you’re still working when you’re at home - constantly having to explain to mother that I can’t take a random week off to sort her house out, even if I’m “just at home”! You’ve given me some great ideas for things to keep my mental health (roughly….) together while trying to get some work done!

[@gino456123789]

Yeah I completely understand. I pushed myself really hard to study and when covid happened in 2020 I dropped out of school and switched to the online schooling which didn't pan out I moved in with my girlfriend which then turned into an abusive toxic relationship. I started drinking to cope with the stress, lost all my savings having to provide for bills, my relationship kept furthering and stumbling into a hopeless deathride of resentment toward her personality disorder and schooling while working. I guess once I got rid of everything and have gotten the substance abuse under control, left my abusive relationship and got a job I enjoy I've felt much happier. I'm probably gonnna join the state guard and do part time school at my own pace. Its difficult out there these days. I'm only 26 and I feel like I'm 40 lol

[@aprilsongstress]

I'm always interested in other people's research techniques. I feel like I never really "learned" how to do research. I just stumble around and hope I find what I need.

[@Computra]

I love the books in the background and your fairy lights vs the sleek influencer look. Yours is real, cozy and stress free

[@HollysBookishRealm]

Howdy do, Sweet pea! Don't worry if you did "ruin your life" because we are still here for you! I have been a loyal subscriber since I first saw a video of yours about a year ago. I am 100% sure that we will help to "build you back up" I, too, am a youtuber (bookish youtuber, although be it I have only 154 subscribers atm), so I know that you have courage and guts of steel to do anything you wanted with your life! I have made many choices in the past where I did well and truly ruin my life, but you can always go on to bigger and better things! We believe in you, and we really do love you and your whole personality! I have notified for when this video starts, but in the mean time, I am sending you all my beautiful bookish (and personal) love to you (all)! 💞Lots of love, Dolly xoxo

[@em-emma-em]

I'm glad this was a positive video, I got a little worried for you.

[@KatalinaKristina]

"I'm in love with my ruins" well wow, that's poetic

[@amyski47]

Cinzia, I came across you while I was searching for "a no spend year" video and I couldn't be happier! I thoroughly enjoy listening to you and feel as though I am in the same room speaking with you! I was a people pleaser up until this last year when a wonderful group of women in my therapy group made me understand how it was ruining my life. The light came on and I have been able to rearrange my priorities so that my happiness comes first. It's very freeing! I look forward to more of your videos and wish you a wonderful future!

[@kay-412]

This was so nice to hear. I’m a theology and media student. Most people only equate the value of higher education to the amount of money it’ll get you after. So my degree is pretty much nothing. I couldn’t be happier with it lol

[@nanimaonovi2528]

I blew up my life to go be a librarian and I've never been happier. If I won the lottery tomorrow I wouldn't change anything in my life. Seriously. Invest in yourself and you won't regret it.

[@elenistamatiou]

Thank you for all your wonderful input❤, you moved me deeply

[@mabel.222]

you quite honestly are my inspiration, thank you for being so open and honest

[@marialeg2367]

Hello Cinzia! I've always enjoyed your videos and content. I've been following you since your old channel, where you shared parts of your life and talked about sustainability, budgeting, etc. I'm really sorry to hear about what's been happening to you. However, I do admire you for making the right decision for yourself despite not finding the support you would have liked from your close ones. Thank you for bringing this up. Envy is something very real and I think we should be careful in trying to find a way to deal with other people's negativity which doesn't affect us so much. To be honest, I sometimes think letting people go who don't support you in your journey can be worth it. And the money that you're spending can be seen as an investment. Maybe one day all the effort you're making right now, which is undoubtedly a sacrifice, will pay back. I'm proud of you! Wish you the very best from Buenos Aires! x

[@JennySimon206]

Allowed my narcissist Mother destroy my life repeatedly. Gaslit me & everyone else into thinking every incident was my doing. Nope. I had no control. Didnt deserve any if it. Set me up by smoking weed w me when i was 12 do she could get rid of me. Troubled teen re-education camps. Narcissist mothers hate their daughters. Its the most unnatural thing in the world. People dont understand or believe it. They just always took her word for everything. I didnt know the picture she was always painting. Recently figured out she will talk to two people in private about drama but never together. Because she's telling us both completely different things in private. Opposite things. Causing strife. She's so bad, if u are in her way, she will set u up and have you arrested or taken on a mental health hold or claim youre on drugs. She's done it to more ppl than just me. Had fun beating a woman up and sending her to prison for attacking her. My mother was the attacker. Then she plays the disability card for her lame leg.

[@brittnylaurel]

I’m in the same boat. My story is kind of similar yet super complex. I hate to say this but, after watching this video, I find this woman quite privileged. In fact anyone who has autonomy over their lives and can share these stories on KZbin are lucky. I want to do that but my narcissistic mother has put me in a very complex situation and if I share it online it could implicate her and my other family members. Even if I have to live other people or work a low wage job I’ll take that. Have a narc mother isn’t worth it at all 🙅🏾‍♀️

[@danyramos8139]

Thank you for uploading this. As a casual viewer throughout the years, this hit straight home with my current life and you’ve inspired this twenty something to go forward. If you can do it, I also can grow beyond the negativity in my life from myself and other people. Thank you, truly

[@susiehelmuth7595]

Thank you! Thank you so much for sharing this. I ruined my life, too, in a wonderful way. Sometimes I get bogged down with what I need to continue but I am in a much better space

[@holyfreak8]

Now I need to listen to this whole story!! And 24 hours is a long time! Also wouldn´t mind if this is clickbait, I like what you do. hope you are doing great Lady!

[@asiawilk]

I cannot express to you how much this video resonates with me.I am more in the process right now of ruining my life I would say, but I have been feeling so so conflicted if I am doing the "right" thing. I feel so much better, I finally am not plauged by anxiety every single day. but I am making less money and also going through my savings, potentially leaving the career I worked for through my wholes 20s which I'm scared to do, and I am about to turn 30 next month and I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I have been feeling guilty that I am "less productive" yet I feel mentally and physically the best I ever had and it's a weird disconnect in my mind. I was always just obedient to my parents but I moved out at the end of last year and I feel like I have been rebuilding myself and unlearning things I dont need ever since. I'm glad your video has popped up because, although I am learning I do not need validation from anyone, right now I am still in a phase where I kind of do haha. Your story feels validating to me that I can continue on my new and healthier path as I enter my 30s. Thank you for sharing :)

[@brunofeitosafl]

I ruined my life too. Already 33 and counting... Thanks for the video, it's a topic that for the first time it's like someone held my hand and talked TO ME haha. You been intelligent and pretty helps a lot for sure!

[@tvsmed]

Please keep going with your videos. It's rare to see such honesty and of course your struggles, issues, and, victories reflect what probably most people experience in life. Also appreciate your intelligence and insights. 💟