Danke!

I ruined my life by studying a subject which i don't even wanna mention

Good for you. You got your real life back. It is worth the loss of income not to live in this ongoing fake e-society. I went to graphic design school when the iPhone came out. We were busy trying to shrink images to hold their place on the little screen formats. Instagram was basically a business to business communication source. Then as all the social media started, I said hey wait, we have a choice here how to use this for the good or just allow it to run amuck. They told me to shut up, your'e old and stupid. Well, I never signed up for the BS and eventually worked my way up to becoming a professional artist instead setting about bull shitting on my phone. I have a small group of real fiends that actually show up and enjoy each others company. Really disappointing to watch the massive wasted lives. I think in just 2 years Ai will majorly change the world we live in. There will be many totally lost and many enjoying the greatest technology to ever hit mankind.

I have social anxiety and act super uncomfortable in public and I've always felt like it gets me profiled as a potential shoplifter. I've definitely made stupid purchases just to say "see? Take that"

Watching your video reminded me of the time when I read "The sorrows of young Werther", don't know why, but the thought that I had at the time kept coming to my mind the whole video. The longing, the feeling that his love for Charlotte was so intense, bright, hot, true, that gave me the doubt in my chest: "Have I ever been truly loved? Have I ever truly loved someone?". I was about to start this video saying: I've been through that. But, actually "mein herz brennt" right now.

Wait I’ve got a chance with Taylor Swift? 🧐

You're fine ( and I don't mean that in a dismissive consolation sort of way). No. You. Are. Fine and at 0:55 or so you certainly show that you're not without humor as well. Made me chuckle.

It’s good to know that there are so many people who still have these moments when it comes to rejection. I just went through one a couple of weeks ago and it thankfully went well outside of the initial feeling. For context, she had invited me to a small party somewhat out of the blue, I accepted, and we chatted for about four hours straight during said party. Midway through, I happened to ask her why she invited me over other people (in hindsight this was quite a personal question that I phrased poorly, I was just too painfully curious as to why) and she happened to call me kinda cute in the process. That itself just made the curiosity evolve and got so caught up in it that I failed to respond back immediately and didn’t find a good time to do so. (Guys and unexpected lighthearted compliments, am I right?) So a couple of days pass and I finally confront her in person, the last time I’d feasibly be able to see her in person until the next semester. Annoyingly, I already had the feeling she would say no just given our circumstances and just how little we really knew each other. Knowing that though, I had to do it just so the thoughts associated with not knowing her feelings would’ve wrecked me otherwise. The time comes and I ask about the compliment, she says she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship and that college would get in the way and that she was just trying to make friends. I told her that I respected those thoughts and we talked for a few minutes doing so. I did say I would be open for reconsideration in the future. Thankfully we went right back to talking (texting rather) as we had before shortly after and it seems she is talking it well. If there’s anything to get out of this for next time, just stay honest and make sure you truly know how the other person feels before you get any uninformed feelings your own. You have to tell yourself to wait some time and ignore any feelings you get until you see/hope that the other person has done so themselves or outright tells you. Also know that women tend to take a longer time to finally express those feelings. I haven’t developed any feelings of limerence and I believe it had to do with getting that clarity from her right then and there, even if it left more room for rejection. It takes time and patience to truly understand another person, and knowing whether or not romantic interest is there is the hardest thing to recognize.

Michael. Take it from me, this is good advice. I wish I could retroactively send this video to myself at age 20. I was in love with my high school best friend, and it became an obsession. I thought I couldn't live without her, but I couldn't bring myself to be open about how I felt (we were queer, it was the late 2000s--it was complicated). I wish I could have given myself the grace of gently weaning myself off from the friendship over time. Instead, I clung on until every interaction I had with her was a painful reminder of what I couldn't have. Eventually it was so painful that I had to suddenly cut contact with her for my own mental health. I hurt both of us, and I'm still dealing with the ripples of that emotional fallout in my life today, at age 31. You can't hold onto her bumper and get dragged around forever, Michael. You have to let go.

Absolutely sound advice. Dont be like some of us fools who back burnered their creative talents to conform to WHATEVER. Unhealthy relationships, friends not supportive, whatever. Imagine understanding what you were meant to do from the beginning DECADES LATER. Always connected yet somehow distracted away from the act. But dont despair. Continue making art. There are Different forms and timings when it comes to peoples potential success. So many stupid jobs out there to waste a person's time with.Even the trade which is worth while was something I should have avoided , along with a few other decisions. Dont get me wrong. You Should be carrying your own weight.

Thanks so much for posting this. I have a friend that I fancy and am thinking about asking out. But one of the reasons that i putting me off is being scared of rejection and how it would make me feel. A couple of years ago i asked out a neighbour of mine who I had become friendly with, but she rejected me. But I struggled to move on, became more obsessed with her which indirectly led me to doing something really stupid which I think freaked her out and means we now don't talk to each other. I felt really ashamed of myself and sad afterwards and it took me a while to get over. My friendship with the woman I have a crush on right now is not 'close' but its one that i value and don't want to lose. So i don't want the same thing to happen again if I ask my friend out. Your video has been really useful in helping to give me a framework of what to think about if she does reject me so I don't repeat the mistakes of the past. Thanks as well for saying that someone's feelings for someone else are valid even when the other person does not share them. I find that I often feel guilty or awkward or wrong that Ive developed feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way. So its incredibly uplifting to hear from someone else that it is a positive thing that I like someone in that way, regardless of her feelings.

BECAUSE YOU ARE THRICE THEIR WORTH. Rock N Roll Suicide. David Bowie. You Silly Bean. Somebody stop your mouth with a kiss. He should seize upon you Cordelia.

This is exactly the field you should be in you understand the exact fear and anxiety of people you should get your PhD in psychology

Hi Cinzia, thank you for your good stories and your really good advice. I hope Michael doesn't suffer that much. If you get some information from him, please let him post it. I have an unsolved matter with a woman, who has gone no contact with me, after I had told her about it. I thought, we hat a friendship. You should know, I am married and my wife developed schizophrenia in an age over 5 0, which is quite unusual. In the long term I couldn't cope with this an seeked for love from her. She said she doesn't want to hurt me, but she cannot give me that what I need. It went all quite complicated after that, I tried to repair the friendship. But I was still quite needy and still was intensely seeking for some kind of love from her. For now I have been thinking of her from waking up until falling asleep. I can't get over her and I think she has got over the friendship quite a while. She doesn't look at my WhatsApp status anymore. I cry a lot about the situation. I had hoped to find dome light at the end of the tunnel. I somehow can't move on. And I have strong inner pain visiting some lokations I met her. Have you any idea to find any hope for the future? Thanks for listening.

Dweebs UNITE!

I say this as a violent romantic, and it’s often something we don’t want to admit to ourselves but I think that love is somewhat of a choice. Yes it’s mysterious and awe inspiring and a tad vile but ultimately we make choices and decisions to love. The end of my first relationship devastated me not just because it was sad but because I had convinced myself that this person was my One Person and that nobody else would ever love me. Several years later and I’ve had a few more relationships and now I’m about to marry my partner of five years. The only way that has happened is that I decided to be kinder to myself; more than the people that rejected me. I was open and took chances and I realised that those huge romantic feelings were often a reflection of my intense personality and imagination, not necessarily a result of the reality of my previous connections. It’s possible not to dislike yourself so much that you convince yourself unrequited love is all you will ever know. I thought I’d die alone and unloved and yet here I am, I’ve made choices and decisions and the right woman found me. We can so easily doom ourselves with the lies we tell ourselves and I think this video sums that up well.

100% correct on that. It is not healthy to sit and pine on unrequitted love.

If the fear of losing this friendship now is painful, how much more painful will this loss be after more years of unrequited longing when caused by the friend moving into a romantic relationship with another? As an old chap (who is in many ways a hollowed out version of the man he could potentially be because he is too timid to take his own advice) I say expand your circle, find ways to meet and socialise with others, that will put your current friendship/relationship in perspective. I wish you luck.

Hi Michael. I know from experience how difficult it is to accept the idea of moving forward, but there is no point in waiting for something that may never happen. And please, don't let this stop your romantic/personal life.

great advice

so good. So wise. Please listen to her. A no is a no.

Mint

I tried waiting for a girl who I had feelings for. But she had feelings for a mutual friend. Of which they got together. Both of them were a year younger than me. She lived out of town (like a 100 miles away) but whenever she was in town she called me up to come hang out with her and her bf. They eventually broke up. Our friend we lost contact with. I tried to move in to fill that void with her. (But I was still in friendship status). But she went with someone else. Married that guy. Marriage didn't last long. Married a another person (a girl she's bi). Well her wife is a really piece of work. By this point I have been married to my wife. And I had moved on. After I became a parent. She had finally broke free from her wife and divorced. I tried to reconnect an old friendship. But she stop messaging me and only called when she needed help with something. I am grateful I moved on with my life and couldn't be anymore happier with my family.

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

I went through what Michael went through one year ago. I had already learned these lessons, but it doesn’t make it any easier. When feelings aren’t reciprocated, you’ll know. There’s a part of your heart that breaks, and you have to allow it to break. My situation was actually a lot messier than Michael’s because it involved my two best friends talking about me behind my back, and I was in love with the girl. The guy wasn’t even in our city; he was from my hometown. I introduced them over FaceTime and they never even met. We were never a couple, but we would often say “I love you,” talk to each other about everything, and we each felt completely comfortable around each other. We actually played Mario Kart too. 😂 So… yeah. It’s not hard to find a girl who likes Mario Kart at all. We were coworkers in New York City, which made the relationship with her extra strong. New York can be a lonely place because everyone else is often fending for themself and themself alone. It can be really tough. Heck, she and I stopped talking in July of last year, and I had a dream with her last night. It was weird. She was a pop singer with a huge following in it (she was a huge Swiftie). My two best friends were suddenly the two people I wanted to hear from the least. I caught them both in lies. I stopped talking with both of them, despite still loving them. And you know what? Things got better. I muted her on social. In fact, I actually deleted my Instagram in February of this year, which has been one of the best decisions in my life. I overthink my relationships with people a lot less now. I don’t catastrophize situations. I’m more in tune with what’s in front of me again. I still check if anyone has messaged me on my laptop, but I don’t miss it at all on my phone. And you know what else? I’ve met more girls and even gone on dates. I’m optimistic about the girl I’m talking to now, but I’m prepared to be understanding if she rejects me. Things can always get better if you take time to heal, as well as having faith, hope, and love just for yourself (not for a romantic partner). Taking care of your brain is vastly underrated. I can confidently say that things are never as bad as they seem. Too many people wallow in their own self-pity these days. If you read all of this, I hope you have a fantastic rest of your week. :) I’ll believe in you even when you don’t believe in yourself. My name is Dylan, by the way, if you want to paraphrase my story.

Good advice

Unrequited love that becomes chronic is called limerance. It's an unhealthy obsession that sometimes require psychological help. Yes, unrequited love can hurt and sting but if you're wallowing in it for months after, seek help. For your sake.

I understand Micheal, I feel the same though my issue is that I'm a mixed race person, born in a Western country so I'm attracted to Caucasian women but they only see me as ethnic, so I don't find many that do like me

This big sister type of advice your giving is absolutely amazing, Cinzia. What I've learned from rejection and just the simple impossibility of a relationship to start existing is that one only actually accepts the rejection, once admiration and longing turn into grief. And how ever minor the rejection or the situation seems, let yourself grief the lost possibility, while following the whole of Cinzia's advice!

I see this question being asked a lot. I try not to answer it because my answer is very succint and not very caring, "Move on!". It's a situation that has no other resolution as far as my experience tells me. I've known a few people in the same situation and they do usually move on after a while, but it's painful to watch them finally realise it wasnt going to work. I thought your point about having set self imposed barriers was spot on!

Oh, I'm pretty sure I attend that University as well. What a coincidence that I found your channel last year (my 1st year undergrad) 😅

Just because you’re not in a relationship doesn’t mean they don’t still love you. As I’ve learned to feel platonic love from my friends I feel less of a need for romantic love with them.

Guys nowadays only care abt women apperance and sex, they're never care about your character or give you a chance if you ugly🙃

In my experience, it's very hard for two people who have been long-term platonic friends to become romantic partners without something significant changing.

I asked a female coworker out before Christmas last year to for an invite to a work do but I got rejected it triggered me it'd been about 5 months I can't accept being rejected but Ive been going to see a councilor to talk about my problems im still trying hard to move on nothings instantaneous about things

I was in a similar situation to Michael, and removing myself from the situation was the only solution. Having gone through it, I would submit definitive rejection is better than the other person leaving the door open for a future relationship. The girl I was interested in left that future door open for a while, and I held out hope for too long before moving on. Closing that door myself helped me move on.

"... How many rules and walls have you put up in your way from finding happiness." Oof. This hit me, it's excellent advice and I need to consider it, not so much romantically as just in general. I also love what you said about his affections, his seeing the good in someone and her vulnerability, being a good thing, that's lovely and so true! I love the passion in your voice and manner, truly, your empathy is just a delight. As for leaving behind one's love and attachment to someone as much as possible, most of us have been there. And for me, all I could think about was, *I want her, I want her, I want her, she's everything.* But gradually that became, *I want a latte. I want to read a book. I want to think about how lovely it is I get to go to class tomorrow. I want to go for a walk and feel the wind on my face. I want to* move on. *Perhaps, I want to fall in love with someone else, someday. Actually, she's not everything. She's wonderful. But there are other things, too.*

Maybe Mike isn't healthy for Mike. Lol. Never know. And his drip drip dripping about is probably turning her off big time.

Hey Mike. Take some BAD (good advice) Date someone else and make damn sure she knows it. And remember not to be shocked and even disgusted when she suddenly seems interested in you. Buddy, I know it sounds cynical but the stuff is among creatures far more fickle than most are willing to accept. Its not worth your aggrevation. Smarten up and redirect your energy to something worth while. If you think your life hangs in the balance of this crap, your an idiot bound for disappointment. Even if she falls for you.

As an autistic teenage boy, I was very naïve, uneasy, if sexist towards women I was sexually attracted to. Attending a single-sex school didn't really help, besides the termly socials I had in years 7-10 and the collaborative orchestra I played within a nearby girls' school. I really wanted a sexy, eccentric, arty girlfriend but I wasn't putting myself out there. It wasn't until I started university that I started to become more socially intelligent by chatting to shitloads of women. Practicing makes a huge difference when you are on the autism spectrum. Socializing is like a muscle that needs constant exercising, especially when you have been socially awkward and reclusive within a closed social environment for your entire teens. Watching KZbin videos from The Natural Lifestyles and the School of Life, especially the latter, which helped see how philosophy can be applied to personal relationships and sexuality. Dismantling my socially conditioned mindsets about patriarchy, marriage, monogamy and sexual pleasure was a huge game changer. Knowing that I have numerous options for finding partners and there a multitude of way of having sexual and intimate relationships that don't fit into linear norms of dating -> monogamy -> co-habitation -> engagement -> marriage -> family steers me clear of the problems this guy is experiencing. One of the core tenants of patriarchy is 'control'. There are many cis men who are so fixated on over the total outcome and process. This mindset leads to an over-fixation on rejection, "dominating" women and the so-called "friendzone". Whether an interaction would result in a hook-up, a fling, a friendship, rejection, a polyamorous or monogamous relationship is part of the thrill of relationships. Cis-men don't like agency and empowerment in women. Entertain all possibilities, entertain all outcomes and you will be fine in finding and cultivating relationships.

i wish i could have said this to my first husband 20 years ago. he's never remarried or dated. i'm still pretty sure that if something happened tomorrow, and i was available, he would be at my door before the sun set. and that is sad, and a bit creepy. please, no one should watch their life pass by them because they are holding out a flicker of hope for that "maybe one day". go and live free.

I needed it❤❤ you are such a brilliant girl

God damn what a positive video. Good for you

Friendships evolve. You are absolutely correct!

Thank You for another brilliant video, Cinzia. Sending light and love from southern Scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 ☺️👏

Im currently in the same situation(Im 19). Thank you a lot for this video. KZbin has just shown it in my for you page, that's probably a sign. It really helped me so much! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You're right, I should find someone new who would actually love me, I should stop fixating on her and putting her on a pedestal. Thanks a lot. Now I realize it

Adult friendships *are* important. Society says otherwise, but i think we should put more emphasis on friendships. Yes, romantic partners are a priority to an extenr, but we shouldn't put aside our frienzlds. Putting all our emotional needs on our romantic partner actusllly puts a big burden on them. I am in my mid 30s, and have been close with my best friend for 20+ years. I am a hopeless romantic, but we need those close platonic partners, too.

I've been in the opposite position - the one doing the rejecting. What I will say is that it's never fun turning someone down (especially when you can see all the potential that person has, but can't muster up the attraction part of the equation). If she's a true friend, as implied in the comment, she'll still want to spend time with him, even if it's not as much. In the case of the person I turned down, we're still good friends. We don't see each other as much as we did in high school, but we were able to keep the friendship. Plus, she won't enjoy having to hurt him - the amount of time they spend together implies she cares, albeit not in the way he maybe wants or needs. Sometimes I'm sorry I'm not attracted, because the person I turned down is a great person - kind, funny, shares interests with me, and so on, but you can't force things to click. It sounds like she does still appreciate Michael as an amazing person, and in the short term that could make it harder, but long term, if Michael is able to move on, that level of friendship is valuable in itself. I think, with some distance, the friendship could still survive, and I'm glad I didn't lose my friend, but of course I don't know Michael's circumstances either. If he needs to walk away, that's valid too.

🌹

The timing of this video is eerily coincidental for me. I'm in a similar situation as Michael and have been struggling to move on. I've been in a similar situation in the past too so I know that time and space will eventually make things better. But when you are living in the situation and the wounds still feel fresh, it is hard to accept that things will be better. So, it is helpful to hear advice like this from someone much wiser. Thank you for this!