"I Want a Divorce" Spoken Word by Mark J. The Poet

[@TheBellaMerwin]

You're Welcome! I want a divorce he told her via text message how did he get here why did he get here seven years old had his first Sunday school crushed she had rosy cheeks brown eyes a cute smile and a fascination with Kelly Kapowski Saved by the Bell at ten years old it was the Pink Ranger and then Baywatch lifeguards the female ones and the ultimate book of JCPenney ads and racy TV soaps teens that would sit on his mind random sitcoms he would feast on in isolated moments at Grandma's next there were the ladies in the adult comics he shouldn't have been reading in the back of the comic book shop he carefully scanned every page while nervously checking his peripheral his appreciation had developed into an unhealthy infatuation with physical beauty it didn't stop there he was becoming a man at 12 years old dial-up internet was released so we picked up a mouse and left behind the remote control peered outside the front house window just the double check no one was home it was just him and a worldwide web of this fantasy that would increase and spread pornography compliments of Hugh Hefner's legacy so he typed explored and felt the motions he never felt prior high quality images glared from his sixteen inch screen from that moment on a Dell desktop his curiosity popped off with imaginations of topless women he died didn't enjoyed this outrageous feeling that serves to his brain he knew what was wrong but didn't know that pleasure is often a liar pleasure will claim to serve you but in the end you will bow shamefully and call it sire from that point on he forgot how to see how to live without feeding on fantasy how to appreciate beauty without the sexuality sometimes he could sometimes he had mental purity but he could no longer claim the ability to go more than a few days without this digital drug he had become superglue to one part of her being while her true beauty is what he defaulted to ignoring fast-forward to the mention of smartphones which led to more frequent dumb actions a young man very much but Jesus but distracted by his secret addiction now he turns 19 a young adult but very much still a child with an insatiable appetite to explore a less full round that never keeps its promises because lust promises everything but not for you for itself I said lust promises everything but not for you for itself it always starts out Venice Lee doesn't it once upon a time maybe age 8 or 7 having a crush on a girl didn't mean he craved her body and man he deeply admired her person maybe her smile her laugh her humor without it resulting in masturbation whoops were in church did I just say then he prayed but it didn't leave he fasted it's still attached he took extreme measures living in a house with five other guys he even unhinged his room door to create more accountability installed filters on devices even tried to ask a fella brother for help once or twice but what he failed to realize is the key element he lacked in his life was transparency he tried everything to be free but even in his search for freedom he was fighting lust secretly so we tried harder god I'll do better this time just watch thinking God rejected him for every moment spent swimming in a fantasy but lust is never happy so he went from site to site photo to photo Instagram Facebook phone chat lines private messaging online he was out of control but everyone at church thought he was under control now age 23 he meets an angel for his first time they first met officially at the Sacramento Capitol building on a crisp fall season day the Sun beamed and lit her brown hair flowing like calm waves the pink and her sweater smelled like a Victoria's Secret he claimed though she was feet away he was stunned by her smile and entrapped by the purity of her person two years later they married she'll surely saw my lust problem he was so certain then i aged 25 he marries this incredible bride and was sure his less issues would all pass magically once the knot was tied but after three months there he lie middle the night as his bride slept back on the same Safari eating the same poisonous Apple on his iPad poisonous Apple iPad so distracted by his own hand he didn't have time to hold hers I'll never do it again he told her and himself as she held her face in tears broken knowing the man she trusted with her whole heart would betray her we long for women that were not meant for him but till death do us all part guy was slowly emotionally killing the queen that he gave that a vow to with tears gracing her cheeks as they left her eyes she asked why his heart pounding as she showed him the site she found on his device I'll never do it again he promised because it hurt her but a month later there he was again drooling over an iPad while she slept late at night how are you doing with looking at stuff she'd asked and his lies would multiply I'm doing fine he'd say with an irritated reply could it be that his long and gazing craving for image after image trained his spirit to do the same to his wife swipe up to remove and to move on to the next image then the spiritual death made him part from her up to five years of marriage and two daughters later I want a divorce he said through text messages of all places what a fool right an incredible wife two beautiful kids I mean treasure is when people search for not what they get rid of I want a divorce and I told myself I'd never used that line until it became mine you see there was once a time when the woman I dreamed of as a young boy didn't have perfect lips i shaped hips she was modest but beautiful she was humble but confident she was shy but honest and maybe a little shorter than I at one time the one of my dreams did not give it to my every wish sometimes she argued with my logic I didn't dream up a woman who only came to life with a click click I dreamt someone with a heartbeat not someone I could control on a whim but someone to breathe real life with the pornography train my brains and never be satisfied with one woman I want a divorce did not start in my late 20s it started at age 10 with the first encounter now with the woman of my dreams but with the ones of my fantasy i drooled over tight jeans but didn't understand that wasn't his purpose for crafting her jeans he's a genius far too brilliant to create a being cheap enough to be fully assess both or one tap or click 28 years old now separated from my wife I was walking into the biggest setup of my life a setup titled confess your sins one to another that you may be healed honesty overtook me transparency swept my heart back to the reality God made me for community was no longer distant for the first time I admitted in my weaknesses and found strength through it say if you walk out of a dim room and into the sunlight and back into the room you'll then realize how dark the dim room was but if you step back into the dim room too long darkness will cause your vision to readjust I won't let my vision readjust I love the sunshine so much that's what my freedom feels like so I followed through with divorce I follow through with it but I didn't divorce my wife I divorced my counterfeit life I filed for divorce from my old man my old ways and while lost in this circular maze God held my hand and said I'm with you always yes he held my hand I mean I'm a grown man but I have a little boy heart just wants his dad to cheer him on my wife wasn't even an image of Christ though I was unfaithful to her she said I still love I still believe and you they still hope for you there's still hope for us you see lust is an illusion built upon fantasy but freedom was also my fantasy but then something something happened freedom was no longer something that looks so good that I can never get finally freedom it's my reality

[@MarkAngelis]

Hey! Thanks for sharing my words with me LOL

[@leonmatthews5403]

This is the most beautiful piece I have ever come across!!!!!!!

[@MarkAngelis]

I appreciate your kindness, Daniel!

[@irmaolvera6979]

This is so powerful... thank you for your transparency... great job Mark.

[@MarkAngelis]

Thanks sister Irma!

[@kalebjimenez6202]

Hey man I really appreciate this. I’ve been struggling with this addiction since I was 10 too. I am now 18 about to turn 19 in October. I just started college at my church and I got involved in this group. One of them shared this with me. I’ve watched this non-stop for the past few days. I’m really grateful for it. It put a healthy fear in my life. I admire your story and growth. I want freedom to be my reality too. Thank you

[@MarkAngelis]

Hey Kaleb, I can't tell you how honored I am to share a little hope with you. I wish someone would've done the same for me years ago but I don't think many folks knew how to address the topic or were silently struggling themselves. Keep it up man! So glad you're connected with a group. I also list a few great resources on my site at www.markjthepoet.com. As I write to you I'm at a hotel alone with no urge or desire for lust. God's grace continues to carry me!

[@MarkAngelis]

Hey Kaleb, I pray you're doing well. Just wanted to let you know I started a non-profit to fight porn and we have online support groups. Would love to have you join the group. Send me an email if interested: [e-mail]

[@redlionpoetry]

Amazing piece Mark... A heart is most effective when its transparent

[@MarkAngelis]

Thank a lot man! Amen to that .

[@josephharmon8395]

This is great. Keep up the good work bro

[@MarkAngelis]

Thanks a lot Joseph!

[@aprilhuddleston6503]

I LOVE this!

[@MarkAngelis]

Thank you April!

[@kishawnabell99]

Awesome🙌

[@MarkAngelis]

Thank you Kishawna!

[@nircodude]

I'm dealing with this at the moment. It perfectly describes me. I'm in a stagnant state trying to deal with what I've been struggling since i was 12 , i am now 24, married and with a 4 month year old child, my wife knows about it, and ive told her of my addiction and ive gone back to it . Thinking that I could stop. I want to stop, and I'm glad I found your poems. I just need to fully stop. I've prayed , fasted , I've stopped for months and then fallen. My wife recently found out that i had masturbated and watched porn again. And she was just dissapointed and in tears. I've told her i would stop, in the year I've been married with her. But i seem to fall. This time I'm really fed up and I really need help..

[@MarkAngelis]

Hey Nick, I admire your desire for freedom and willingness to seek help. We all need help, man. This is a battle I could have never overcome on my own. I still to remain open and honest with others to keep living in freedom. I'd love to send you more of my thoughts and resources that have helped me, man. Shoot me an email at [e-mail]

[@MarkAngelis]

Hey Emmanuel, I pray you're doing well. Just wanted to let you know I started a non-profit to fight porn and we have online support groups. Would love to have you join the group. Send me an email if interested: [e-mail]

[@VinoVenitas]

This was another beautiful piece.

[@MarkAngelis]

Thank you!

[@easterominde7850]

i love this Mark J

[@MarkAngelis]

Thanks for watching and stopping by my channel!

[@stickman7212]

My girlfriend just sent me this after seeing you speak. Normally not into poetry, but I liked your story and talk of hope. Thanks for this.

[@MarkAngelis]

I appreciate you watching man! Honored to be an encouragement.

[@MarkAngelis]

Hey man, I pray you're doing well. Just wanted to let you know I started a non-profit to fight porn and we have online support groups. Would love to have you join the group. Send me an email if interested: [e-mail]

[@Lifelinem3diagroup]

Powerful bro

[@MarkAngelis]

Thank you Daniel. I appreciate you taking the time to watch.

[@organicgardenmamavictoriab2768]

That was a good poem

[@MarkAngelis]

Thanks for watching and stopping by my channel!

[@organicgardenmamavictoriab2768]

@@MarkAngelis Yeshua bless you brother.

[@soulsurferhd142]

Hey, you were just in Idaho today. Do you have a link to the chapel that you spoke at on January 31, 2020 at Northwest Nazarene University? Thanks my dude.

[@MarkAngelis]

Yo! You can watch it at this link: vimeo.com/380318871 bless you!

[@marymarywls]

Thank you ! What a witness . Send info about your needs. I’ll speak to my pastor. God Bless

[@chucknchar]

Women want to get married and the one who want a divorce

[@MarkAngelis]

Yeah, sometimes it does turn out that way. We all have things we need to be honest enough to talk about and work through.