Inconvenienced by the Betrayed's Pain: Help for the Unfaithful Spouse

[@offroadchixrule]

I wish my husband would watch this. It's so hurtful when he expects me to remain calm and loving when I am the ONLY one to initiate talks or reading materials for our healing. It's so frustrating to feel I'm the only one who wants to make this better. His: "You're playing the victim. Get over it. It's been 2 years..." 😥

[@crzygrl8849]

Unfortunately , I share this pain.

[@yolandevanaswegen1960]

I can relate, my husband gets angry when i need to work through his affair, i still lives with the pain, he thinks it is over and must forget what happend, only a year later

[@blackananaas]

I 100% get you. It’s ugh…. The words don’t seem to describe it. It crashes my soul

[@eventhere2788]

Wow. It's been 20 years since D day and I still get triggered

[@mickisimonson8761]

My unfaithful spouse is constantly either too busy, or too tired, or just acts annoyed that I keep bringing it up.

[@Gemmarose9012]

The one thing that has been constant through the ups and downs is that my husband has never once dismissed me or deflected my flooding. He quickly understood that how he responded to me was key to my own healing and the healing of our marriage.

[@rtklarsfeld]

You are so fortunate that your husband ‘got it’ so early on!

[@elizabethscarcella]

You’re blessed. My husband has yet to empathize which really has watered down all my pain

[@colinsmith3873]

You are beyond fortunate

[@sebastiangarcia41910]

I wish my wife would’ve gotten it…

[@blackananaas]

I am so happy you got this right on! Hope you are doing great!

[@nebrideau]

I'm so happy to say that we don't relate to this one at all. My husband gave me back his heart fully on Nov 29th 2019 and has NEVER made me feel like my emotions inconvenienced him. He has been there through it all being very patient and so supportive and owned everything. This video made my heart feel good. Thank you ❤️

[@mperez2730]

Mine too... although it's been devasting, he has let me express my pain whenever I want to. My heart breaks for the betrayed who don't receive that ownership from the unfaithful. To me that type of response would be a red flag that it is time to move on.

[@jerryanddiannedennison5644]

I am happy hearing that.

[@blackananaas]

Even though I wasn’t that lucky I am so so happy to read this knowing somebody didn’t go through what I have been through. Hope you are doing great 🙏🏻

[@blackananaas]

@@mperez2730happy to read that you had this 🙏🏻 Hope you are doing great!

[@DarkerSideOfDawn]

It hurts to be further disregarded

[@melissajohnson1303]

Yes it does

[@lesliemontagne6797]

....and to be told to just "get over it"...

[@johnathanellis9010]

Great video I’m in the opposite position. My unfaithful could care less and has zero remorse or atleast hasn’t shown any. We are in no contact now and I think that’s exactly what she wanted all along although she claimed to want to be best friends. I feel like a weight is off of me from running around trying to understand what’s wrong with a person who turned into an alien overnight after 23 years. It definitely makes it hard to recover when the unfaithful just wants to move on

[@Iamforeveryummy]

I've been making every mistake possible while reconciling with my ex-husband. I was not prepared for the amount of work necessary to make 'US' again. I am ashamed and so mad at myself for all of this. I wish I could express how truly sorry I am for the hurt and pain I've caused him and our kids. Thank you for all you do for those of us in the midst of infidelity.

[@TheForeverLoveKD]

Hi, ex.... Divorce after infidelity? How long after your D day you two divorced and how long is it now? Is he considering to reconcile?

[@leea2962]

Always ready for it. Never blame. No blame game. It doesn’t work. Only make things worse. Blaming is a self defense technique that make it worse. As unfaithful. Ready to have peaceful conversations and questions. And giving him my warm hug kisses and honest answers and commitments. No arguments. Accept the good things and suggestions. And listen to him and feel him deeply. Be there for him completely.

[@mfawls9624]

Giving the betrayed warm hugs and kisses may seem like a good thing. For me, as a betrayed, a display of affection from my betrayer was a twist of the knife. Had there been other displays that made me feel like there was a sincere remorse and desire to reconcile it would have been different. As it was it made my skin crawl. Given she had slept with someone for 3 months and never apologized it was a little hard to believe her move was anything but another layer of deception. I've come to realize that in her family public image matters more than I ever realized and that it is an issue that stifles her growth and is reinforced constantly from contact with her mother. Even understanding that it's still a memory that angers me if I dwell on it.

[@amandacarlile8976]

I feel as though each video you have posted follows each step we go through at that time so coincidentally that it's as if you are watching our life right now! Lol today's been a bad trigger day while the unfaithful is at work and I'm not feeling safe, so this came at the perfect time! Thank you so much! 😄 Things happen at the time they do for a reason!

[@danielpolk5133]

I realize that my situation might not be "by the book" but we were caught up in just the kind of place that you are describing. When I was in a bad spot she didn't want to talk or would become defensive. Because of this I had backed off and was detaching my heart... I began talking to a woman at work who had been flirting with me for a while. I arranged for a weekend with her and was fully intending to go through with it but... at the last minute I felt conviction (I am a Christian) and I couldn't go through with it... I told my wife what I had planned. Now, since then... she is like a totally different person! She even paid for our EMS weekend! We have been doing bootcamp and watching many of your videos and discussing them... its crazy! I never would have believed it... I am glad I didn't go through with my own affair, I never would have looked twice at the other woman before all this happened, my wife is smart sexy and I know she loves me, she just screwed up really bad. I feel like, as a Christian and in need of grace myself, I had to do my best to save the marriage if I could. But now, with her fully on board... I have real hope for us with the help of AR. God bless you guys! And Samuel... I'm praying for you, man. We love you guys!

[@thrasherwartooth]

It's shocking to me that for unfaithful, being there seems inconvenient when I (also an unfaithful) want nothing more in this entire world than to heal my betrayed and be there for them like I should've.

[@robertmullen4521]

I keep thinking that each video you do is the best. But you continue to create new ones that bring just the right messages at the right time. Each one better than the last. Thank you Samuel and the team at Affair Recovery. What ever Rick is paying you, it's not enough. Thank you sir, for all you share of your life, to help us improve ours.

[@lorikent3076]

Samuel, thank you so much. After being with my spouse for 34 years and experiencing years of infidelity and other addictive behaviors I am at wits end. Your blogs continue to give me hope. Working through the number of deltas while trying to believe “it is Gods will to stay together” is no longer my testimony. my spouse will not get help or take responsibility for any of his addictions. Today, I feel there is hope for my future with yet another one of your blogs. May God continue to bless you and your family.

[@meaghanmacaulay8687]

Doesn’t matter what I do. He just doesn’t care about my pain period. He rather I just shove it down and say nothing. He doesn’t get how much it hurts. Plus his lack of effort overall in recovery work... it just all hurts all the time. Every time I turn around he’s doing something that is triggering... honestly I don’t even know if the affair is really over... there’s lots of times where I feel like it must still be happening because he doesn’t want to connect. I’m so lost. I’m so hurt. I want this to work out. But I can’t do this alone. And I’m alone in all of this. He cares about himself. And the kids. But I don’t feel like he cares about me anymore. I know what it feels like to be loved by him and this isn’t it... we can’t afford the courses, can’t afford counselling (not that he even goes to free services either) and scholarships aren’t international. He won’t even do bootcamp. I’ve mentioned it. And left it at that. He didn’t feel like it was a good time. And it’s been 2 months and he hasn’t done anything else. I just don’t know what to do

[@nicoletrejo3816]

Every video I watch always brings me to tears.... I wish he would watch these and actually listen so he understands because this whole not reassuring or consoling or hearing me and doing it alone is just making it hard for me to function with basic daily task. refusal to leave but refusal to work on it and constant dishonesty has me either feeling really sad all the time and if I'm not sad I'm empty/ numb and I think that's just my mind trying to let me rest

[@dnysecc2594]

Sam you ARE A GOD SEND.....have no idea how much I APPRECIATE that you are soooooooo open and honest, sincere.and transparent in your recordings. I commend you and I truly commend your wife for her strenght and she is an INCREDABLE GIFT of LOVE that you have!

[@crzygrl8849]

I wish I could give this video a million likes!!!! We're 31 months post our First D Day and he's still inconvenienced by my pain.

[@alexisliesering2030]

Samuel, u are doing an amazing job so Greatful to u ND Samantha. I'm struggling with pain ND we've been delaying disclosure. But we doing it this weekend there will neva b a right. Time.

[@d.l.1759]

Sadly, this hits incredibly close to home. 7 years of one-sided trying to rebuild when he destroyed everything I thought life was. when there is ever a need or a trauma reaction, it Is met with a rage full price to pay. I openly let it be known my feelings were changing and get told I’m the problem. He disposes of me so easily. Physically sick this is even possible -less than human.

[@CherylSimon-ij2db]

Same here and the first Dday was almost 8 years ago. He relapsed 14 months after the 1st Dday and met with his affair partner of 2 1/2 yrs to tell her how much he loved her and missed her. She was half his age! Much to his surprise, she sent me a text to tell me all that he had been doing in those 14 months that he was supposedly being faithful to me in every way. I am still stuck and he has never shown any remorse towards me. He has repented and from my view point, he feels like all he had to do is ask for forgiveness from God and now completely free from his sexual immorality. This was his 3rd lengthy affair in a span of 13 years. The additional affairs were revealed a few weeks after he was exposed in his current affair. So I was dealing with 3 affairs at the same time. We had been married for 38 years at the time God exposed the affair he was currently in. I still struggle so much. I am retired and all of our children are grown and have families of their own. So I spend almost all of my time in bed. Depressed and unable to leave my home because of panic attacks. The longer I stay in, the harder it is to just get myself in the car. His and the church’s viewpoint is that he has repented and it is in his past. Leave the past behind so I should not ever bring up his affairs ever again. I tried doing that for 3 years before I realized that is NOT humanly possible. Any help that we have tried has always been me to seek and find help. He has never initiated getting help to restore our marriage. I am so very sorry that you are in the same situation that I am in. It is so very hard to heal your heart when the person you love and trusted so much makes no effort to help heal your heart. 🙏🙏🙏

[@mamabear8555]

The betrayed are not running to someone else's arms ( or bed) to deal with pain and trauma. They are trying to work through the pain and trauma! The least the unfaithful can do is show attention and empathy....with boundaries of course.

[@krystalmurray777]

**PLEASE ANSWER THIS QUESTION WITH A VIDEO** What to do when Unfaithful says, "You were a semi angry person before my infidelity ". ?? Or How do you get them to understand its just the connection we've always wanted..?? Smh as a Christian this has been so challenging to my faith. It scares me. I'm learning about codependency, attachment styles & the holy spirit has been speaking to me about forgiveness & loving him regardless & so it's been SOOO hard to find the balance in my emotions, obedience to the lord and getting healthy.!

[@blackananaas]

Hi there. your comment is old but I’ll try! Did you get an answer to that? By our own, with the videos or the Holy Spirit?

[@lorenoest4941]

This right here as a betrayed is the most eye opening one yet for me. I sent it to my wife who I'm currently separated from. Because I do not want to accidentally and prematurely send up that "final flare".

[@GKMommy312]

Never has something spoken to me more directly.

[@chet5862]

Pretty sure you have some sort of device on my phone bc this is the exact problem we were texting about today bc of last night. Exactly. He seems inconvenienced by my pain

[@melissajohnson1303]

My husband turns the blame on me. On things I did when I was 16. I am 50

[@spabitc7357]

One thing that will come out from both the betrayer and betrayed after everything is out about the affair, whether full on affair or an emotional affair is that both are mentally and emotionally underdeveloped. Unless you get help from a therapist immediately who specializes in infidelity, the risk of pushing each other is extremely high! Another reality too is that people are not spending time watching videos about infidelity within relationships. Usually when they do that it is too late and the couples have just been doing their own arm chair therapy and their egos are not letting them seek out help out of shame.

[@karmanobes7873]

Needed this so much today. 15 months post Dday. Hours and hundreds on individual, couples and EMDR counseling. Went to Hope Rising last year. Just finished Harboring Hope and Hope for Healing. Ups & downs... last night we went to a nearby town where one of the girls he was messaging works. I thought I was ok, but then I started asking questions again and insisting there’s more he’s not telling me. I felt he got irritated and then I was gone, the anger came over and I sad some very awful things 😔 he said he’s done and I said I’m done and today I’m just exhausted.

[@christyjohnson5618]

I hope that all the programs you have done help you heal, reguardless of him. Our 1st dday was oct 2018. He’s never done full disclosure. Every other week he gets so frustrated with my pain & anger that he calls it quits. Then after a couple days, he’s lonely and asks me to try again. Im so tired of the back and forth & inconsistencies. He says he wants me to heal, but in his frustration has caused even more damage. Wishing you the best

[@ladylove34]

​@@christyjohnson5618 how have things progressed since then?

[@DarkerSideOfDawn]

Perfect timing

[@DKilgallen]

It has been almost three months and I still don’t know everything. First he said he would answer no questions and he owed me no explanations. I filed for divorce. 23 years and his relationship with a friend from work was more important. I feel like I have wasted my whole life on someone who couldn’t give me the respect I deserved. He seems happy about it and I am untethered.

[@pamiewatkins7354]

It just sounds so loud Z I'm glad you're waking me up to this your last statement like really like the hardest statement I've ever heard in my life it's waking me up listening to this again

[@tracymccarthy8505]

Perfect timing is right. The universe sends us help when we are open to receive it. Thank you ... this validated just what I was feeling. But in a way where you show big sides fairly . Amazing help . Thank you

[@dianekelly995]

This is spot on.

[@bigmoma81]

OMG this is exactly how I am feeling! It makes me sad because it’s not what I choose but it seems to be my only recourse.

[@smokedawg9371]

That was really helpful...... thank you !

[@ofs3216]

Great video!

[@therenegade1312]

What does the betrayed do when it's never a good enough time and even with a soft start doesn't matter either. I'm truly damned if I do and damned if I don't. We are at over a year from EMS weekend still not connecting so I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss.

[@samshealingpodcast]

i would schedule time with an objective therapist that can get in the middle and help you both find objective ground. perhaps it's time for someone to step in as he's not hearing you and something is triggering him. maybe even ask the therapist that worked with you at the ems weekend to help you again or someone local?

[@Cotenetdlited]

How soon is too soon to show my affection to my unfaithful husband? I wanted to show how much i loved him still but its just 1month from dday and we are going to start the counselling soon. But sometimes i wanted to show how much i love him but im scared that ii will forgive him too soon

[@samshealingpodcast]

i would go slow. just showing affection doesn't mean you've forgiven him....it just beings your being affectionate as you feel safe and feel like you can do that sort of thing. i would go slow and steady, but make sure you're committed to getting help and staying with that help even if you are affectionate. keep you boundaries up.

[@DarkerSideOfDawn]

You valued her

[@LA-1969]

Mine is annoyed I keep saying/asking the same questions, but he's lied so much answering each time it's keeping me still focused on them. He just doesn't understand to tell the truth so I can move on.

[@stevenvas8681]

how do i not have that bad attitude. how do i not be inconvenienced. it’s hard to be compassionate non stop for the last two years. i want to be campassion but sometimes it feels so hard. i know i caused this and i caused her pain. what kind of work can i do to work on this issue as an unfaithful

[@samshealingpodcast]

here's a great course on our site you can take to find help with it: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing you can also consider our ems weekend to help you both find new momentum and new healing for how you're stuck: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend

[@stevenvas8681]

i have just finished the HFH. rereading the lessons and rewatching the videos. i still feel this way. it was a great course. i just feel like i need a personality transplant. i’m a work in progress. i try to white knuckle and suppress those inconvenient feelings. any exercises to do?

[@blackananaas]

@@stevenvas8681Hope you find got healthy!

[@SusanDrahos]

Spot on

[@johnhumble4240]

Excellent video

[@victoriagrow647]

Yes yes yes!!

[@carriejones6821]

What do you do when they don’t care and are not trying?

[@samshealingpodcast]

you take care of yourself and work on you. sometimes you have to give them space, let them do their thing and let them know you're here if they want to come your direction. it's awful and it's a lesson in surrendering. but it's smart to do it to give them space to actually want you. if you have to make them want you, they don't want you.

[@lorenoest4941]

@@samshealingpodcast that is hard to take but sound advice. Thank you for all you do to help those of us on both sides of this fence.

[@Starseed2170]

What if the unfaithful doesn't want to assume he cheated,if he does eventually,what if he doesn't want to go to couple therapy.It the relationship over?

[@sgueto0590]

It's just the beginning of a bumpy road! The relationship is not over. Negative emotions are currently in play right now.

[@briancarter1477]

My wife and really could use a weekend with you all. Are there any scholarship opportunities or payment flexibility options? Please let me know we could remake something great but we need the extra help.

[@samshealingpodcast]

very sorry but we do not have scholarship help for our ems weekend. you can try our ems online course here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online it's far cheaper and a great resource to help you both heal.

[@tiffanyglaspie563]

How about when they “have no trauma and it’s all us cause they’re healed”! Bahahahahaha……yep…….he’s definitely losing parts if not all of my heart cause my give a damn about his healing is busted. I will always love him BUT over the last 2 years I learned how to heal myself!

[@pattihumiston4315]

Great video.. but, it’s NOT a mistake, it’s an on purpose. Thanks though Sam. I wish my spouse would read and comprehend this❤️❤️