Insulting Straight People? | Straights Ask LGBTQ+ Questions

[@lindsayosterhoff2459]

For the cousin who is misgendering... it's likely a response to visual stimuli. Your brain is subconsciously aligning the face with the birth name and old pronouns. Practice using the correct ones with the cousin or even having pretend conversations with them while looking at a picture or video or something of them. It'll train your brain to start aligning the correct name and pronouns with the face.

[@jestphoenix]

this is really solid advice!! i'm trans myself, and i never thought of talking to a picture to train your brain into learning the new pronouns and name. that's really clever

[@animeartist888]

This is exactly what I would've recommended as well

[@lindsayosterhoff2459]

I'm the mom of a trans kid and I have memory issues. Plus I studied neuroscience and psychology. I'm weirdly prepared to answer that question.

[@blueismylove3128]

This is way better advice than the people saying "just use the right name" 😂. Lol, I also just assumed the cousin might be female presenting or still look quite feminine, because I'm in the same situation. It's not nearly as bad as the rest of the family, but my sister who is nonbinary is female presenting and hardly ever corrects anyone when they are called she.

[@operatoralex5926]

This may not be similar, but I think this is funny. When I used to be very young kid there was a guy at a school that had a long ponytail and I used to refer to them as a girl/think of them like that. it took a while for my ADHD brain to realize that they were a guy, even with teachers, and likely him, telling me he was a dude. Skip forward to today and I’m a femboy rocking a ponytail myself.

[@marcelinepink]

I think that a good, but way too long alternative to the "born in the wrong body" phrasing would be: imagine you, cis man or woman, are as you are now, except since your birth everyone around you kept calling you by incorrect name and pronouns, and dressed you like the kids of another gender to yours. All while you see all the other kids of your gender acting, dressing, looking, and being named in ways you'd be more comfortable with. Eventually you just internalize the fact that you are a gender you aren't, until one day you find out you were always a man/woman/enby! Trans people, upon realizing this, choose to change different things about their body or presentation to look the way they want to look, instead of conforming blindly to societal standards. Some might want to change a lot, some might want to change some things here and there, and some might even stay the same! Realizing you're trans just allows you to make those decisions easier.

[@3CatsInATrenchoat]

Second Marcy pfp in this coment section!

[@marcelinepink]

@@3CatsInATrenchoat Yup! I noticed :P Honestly she just looks good in pfp form.

[@christopherb501]

Or, The Matrix when NOT employed by manosphere dipsh!ts.

[@arcadiaberger9204]

There was after all, the tragic case of the boy who suffered a severe genital injury, and Dr. John Money persuaded his parents that his male genitalia could not be adequately restored, but a conversion could be achieved: he could be given surgery and then groomed into being a girl by an intensive program of reparative therapy. The unfortunate child grew up feeling as though he was not the girl everyone kept telling him he was. Even though he was subjected to a relentless series of conversion therapy sessions from early childhood, he still knew, deep inside, that he wasn't the girl he was told he was. When he learned the truth, he was horrified, but also relieved to finally understand what had been wrong for so long. Speaking as a cis person, I suspect the nightmarish story of David Reimer is one of the best analogies to explain the experience of trans people - as well as a perfect response to the large minority of people who keep on trying to argue in favor of "conversion therapy", "reparative counseling" or (when they're feeling especially honest) "therapeutic rape".

[@redbirb]

something was always off, and then a couple years after i learned about trans people (about a month after i had my femboy "phase" [only a phase because i ended up transfem]) that i was a girl. It always kinda felt forced and boy names never felt like they worked for me, and i had never thought of the girl names.

[@Mysterious_Chaos_Wolf]

It’s such a nice change of pace to have people that actually want to learn instead of asking nosy or just straight up rude questions.

[@mogalobog]

@@TheWerewolfOfNorway-mf5jzwhats the point in commenting that?

[@DZrache]

@@TheWerewolfOfNorway-mf5jz no u

[@Pidgeyatwo]

Yea, it IS bullshit that some people out there are still ignorant and needlessly cruel to innocent people trying to live in a way that makes them comfortable and doesn't harm anybody else at all!! You're so right. Some people are so close-minded. Thank you for your support! (Sarcasm. I'm about 99% sure you were calling LGBT topics bullshit. If that's the case: move past middle school biology and read actual studies by scientists who spent years studying the intricacies of that topic, and concluded that queer people are very real and NORMAL) (Additionally, because Some people really really love to use the argument that "oh they're mutilating their bodies", first: Not all Trans people get surgeries in the first place. Some use hormone replacement. And others still decide not to physically transition at all. And the people who do get surgery are adults with autonomy who have spent thousands of dollars to get this procedure done for THEMSELVES. They are not forcefully strapping You down to a table and forcing You to get a surgery. It's no different than an adult choosing for example to get a fat removal surgery, a cis woman getting a chest job, a cis man getting an enlargement surgery, etc. Less than 1% of people who get these sort of surgeries actually go on to regret it. Because, like I said, getting a surgery isn't the answer for all trans people. Do you think that life saving treatments such as chemo should be stopped Just because they don't work for every single patient who gets them? If somebody is getting a life-saving heart surgery but there's a 1% chance that the procedure *could* go wrong, should we then just let that person die and not go ahead with the surgery? Of course not.) @TheWerewolfOfNorway-mf5jz

[@carnival_klownz]

@@TheWerewolfOfNorway-mf5jzi agree. Its bullshit to be rude.

[@SnarkyShark1363]

@@TheWerewolfOfNorway-mf5jzWhat is your intention behind this comment?

[@junoeggers8878]

I did not socially transition until I was 48. I didn't want to do it because I knew I would not go back to boy mode. I was punished at a young age if I showed any female traits or actions. The only reason I started when I did was I almost died from two heart attacks and was afraid of not being myself. I still haven't told most of my family due to religious and political leanings on their part. My son knows and completely supports me and is even referring to me as she/her.

[@animeartist888]

I'm so sorry you had to experience that. Good on the kiddo for being supportive of his mom, though. Best wishes, girl!

[@manaash4316]

I'm glad you have some safe places to be yourself, and hope that the rest of your family comes around. Clearly you raised a great kiddo, supporting his mom 😊

[@eeeEEEeeeEEEEEE-eeeeeee]

Cool, hope u can express yourself fully now

[@bortboo1970]

I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm very glad you can express yourself now. My stepmom delt with the same thing but she was able to come out to us last year and me and my family have been making sure she feels welcome. So I'm very glad that your son is supportive, you clearly raised him very well. I hope you live a long and happy life as a wonderful woman and mom!

[@Jacqueline-li6qi]

I’m sorry for everything you’ve had to go through. I’m glad that you got the chance to transition at all, and I hope you’re happy now! ❤❤

[@ElectricWindGirlFriend]

My guess for the question about misgendering when around someone: When you’re talking ABOUT someone (they’re not present) you have to think about them and it’s very easy to remember. But when you’re talking with someone you aren’t thinking about the person, you’re thinking about the things they’re saying. Then it’s easier for instincts built up over a long time to come out. Def goes away with practices and changing those instincts

[@RedDeadSakharine]

This. Also, if they haven't transitioned (completely) yet, it could be that for example the voice just makes op's brain slip up. Registers as female voice and brain goes: female pronouns! Even though you know better.

[@puppykitten1557]

and those instincts are hard to overcome but i remember reading that it takes 21 days to build a habit. when my friend came out as nonbinary, it took me that long to stop using their old pronouns instinctively whenever i was on call with them. as long as you're trying, that issue tends to work itself out with time and practice.

[@jodk2824]

This is how I would explain it too. I have the same experience with a friend of mine who's currently in the very early stages of transitioning but started using she/her pronouns and it's the same as with this person - it's so easy to use the correct pronouns when talking about her but I keep slipping when I'm with her and it makes me feel so bad every time. Like I'm somehow disgenuine in my support even though I don't really believe that

[@YourQueerGreatAuntie]

That feels like a good take. I'm very defensive of my sibling, who's in the early stages of coming out as gender-fluid. But after I spend time with them, I find my brain resetting to their old pronouns. Feel like thumping my brain to reset!

[@vamp_bat_chomp]

I knew a trans guy once, where after some innitial confusion I got it down pat, but then he played a woman character in pf and it set me back ages lol.

[@bladehoon]

How to stop misgendering: intentionally use the correct pronoun in each sentence, and if you're not sure just ask again, as long as you're putting up an effort they'll be happy you're trying

[@Salikino]

And use a horn!!

[@ThatFont]

Also to just use their name.

[@bunhelsingslegacy3549]

This person might be having a similar problem to me, I'm fine when I write stuff because I consider each word I type or handwrite but when I speak, sometimes the wrong words just pop out and I still have a hard time with a couple trans and nb friends who have been for years but I knew them for years before with a different name and pronoun. Brains be weird sometimes. One of the ways I'm trying to fix it is referring to everyone by "they/them", it's not perfect but because I'm changing a habit, it engages the part that runs words past the brain before spitting them out.

[@mathsthetic]

​@@ThatFont this is a really helpful technique, but maybe dont rely on it too heavily. if someone uses my name four times in a sentence when it would be easier to replace half of them with he or him, i think it kinda doesn't feel the best. like yes, i like my name, picked it myself and everything, just sounds wrong if that is all thats used if that makes sense lol but again, this technique, especially early in your friends transitions, i would have loved in my early days if every sentence was my name because of the years of hearing the wrong one, so its got good and bad, i would discuss this with the person, see if it is okay with them some people *prefer* their name over the use of pronouns in general lol, hope this makes sense

[@SeinIshamiado]

​@willowfenter4545 i would walk away

[@ladylaudanum8663]

There was a wonderful t.v. show in Australia called, " you cant ask that", and it was basically people who were in minority groups or sex workers etc answering the most popular questions that enquiring minds wanted to ask but were afraid to lest they offend. It was a great show and I learned a lot from other cultures and minority groups. If you can get a copy of it I highly recommend it.

[@katrinadaly1755]

They have a Trans episode of “You Can’t Ask That” too!

[@katie6731]

That sounds like a great series. Thank you for the recommendation! 💙 A central focus of my allyship is educating myself as much as possible. I believe that it's my responsibility to learn as much as I can, so that I can advocate more effectively, and so that I don't inadvertently say or do something hurtful. I appreciate the opportunity to learn more!

[@lethfuil]

I'm either going insane, or we had such a show too. I can't remember the name, or any details, so maybe it's the insanity thing, because I'm SO sure it existed...

[@misterdoodle3447]

I live in the "bible belt" of the USA, and hearing that they don't see hate coming from religion towards LGBTQ+ people literally had me yelling at the phone. Maybe it's different where they live, but here christianity and hate are damn near synonymous.

[@BlooMonkiMan]

They really make monotheism as a whole look like an asshole trait. I'm hard pressed thinking of any polytheistic religions that have done anything as bad as them... Goes to show what happens when higher powers can be challenged, doesn't it?

[@dragonwolfzero820]

I'm not sure what the "Bible belt" is but I live on the border between a very religious conservative state and a very liberal state. I live within the liberal state and to say the least, being trans or any lgbtq+ identity is not the best in the area and I woul venture to say is quite dangerous if you don't blend in. There's definitely a hate toward lgbtq people from religious people here, especially considering how many are far right and into conspiracies.

[@misterdoodle3447]

@@BlooMonkiMan I think it's more an issue of power being a corrupting force than monotheism being inherently evil (though I personally don't ascribe to it.) Recall that the athenians forced Socrates to unalive himself and the pathagrians unalived the first person to figure out imaginary numbers all because their ideas forced them to question their own beliefs.

[@BlooMonkiMan]

@@misterdoodle3447 Yeah, those were dick moves, but entire genocides were carried out in the name of monotheistic religions, and I've yet to hear of one deity and their followers' executions be ordered by the rest of a divine council or the like before.

[@misterdoodle3447]

@@BlooMonkiMan You're not wrong, though the Aztecs did build an empire in part so that they could regularly harvest humans for sacrifice, but I still don't think that's on the level of evil that things like the residential school system were and are.

[@aleytiger06]

3rd person: "why isn't everyone pan?" Me, asexual: "why does everyone experience sexual attraction?" 😂

[@Clovergem_in_the_snow]

Yesss

[@Roadent1241]

Me as a repulsed ace - what is this silly fake sounding itch thing humans act like they'll die if they don't scratch? Why do they seem to base entire relationships or social standings and maturity on it? Why does society have to force it into almost all types of media? Why is it silly I can't request ace-safe media's or versions of things to consume? I want to enjoy the same thing as everybody else, it was made for enjoyment...!

[@missnaomi613]

I think we all just need to remember that, regardless of our experiences, other people's experiences are equally valid. And we don't need to understand to be able to respect/accept that. And I'm coming at this from the perspective of a cis, bi, religious mama of three. One of my grown kids is transmasc, ace-spec, and enby. Another is trans and lesbian. There is some good-natured teasing that goes on between us about our different ways of being.

[@dragonwolfzero820]

​@@Roadent1241felt. Every part felt. I'm not 100% repulsed but I hate it in every context that I, 1.) didn't mentally prepare for, an 2.) that at that moment and time is not something I want to think about. I don't like to socialize about it either. I struggle so hard with consuming new media especially music, games and shows because I have to do a large amount of research before I get into anything. Or with music I have to listen to the lyrics to make sure they aren't problematic. That's not to say I haven't consumed media with those things in it but more or less that I prefer media without it. but yeah I feel this. It should not be looked down upon to want spaces and media where those things aren't present and we can just be comfortable for once. The fact that we're a 1% does not mean we need to be treated like we don't exist or we don't deserve a voice

[@gabrielleoana1092]

A psychopath will never understand/experience empathy or a colorblind person will never understand/experience the colors they can’t see. It’s a very difficult thing to grasp/appreciate if it’s not your experience with life.

[@Castkett4ever]

I have a friend who's been on HRT since she was 12 because of chemo-related long term side effects. Nobody batted an eye or asked if she would not regret it. She's doing great now, btw, 5 years cancer free!

[@gem3763]

Glad your friend is doing well :)

[@helene4397]

HRT?

[@willowthemoth]

​@@helene4397 HRT is short for Hormone replacement therapy.

[@devinobrien2941]

No one asked if she regretted her cancer treatment?

[@kierstenburtz8442]

9:02 wow hi I actually feel uniquely suited to answer this question. I am an asexual lesbian. I am not sexually attracted to anyone, but I am romantically attracted to women. There are many factors that go into this attraction and different types of attraction exist so let me break it down. I feel strong romantic and aesthetic attraction towards women. This means that I find women physically attractive in a visual sense (not in a sexual sense) and I also find myself wanting to pursue relationships with them. For me it's like, kissing a man feels like a weird concept to me. While kissing women feels natural. Same thing with other forms of non-sexual intimacy like cuddling etc. These things combined make it so that I can form a romantic attraction to women without having to know them first. However getting to know someone, as it can with all people, can change this. There are times where I find someone really attractive but their personality ruins it and there are times that I wouldn't find someone attractive, but their personality makes me develop feelings for them. This has even happened with a couple of men, actually, but it's a rare occurrence. Overall I think it's easiest to say that I'm attracted to femininity. I also find myself attracted to feminine nonbinary people as well. So no, I would not consider myself pan even though my genital preference is "none of the above". There are so many aspects to attraction that most people don't see because their aesthetic, sexual, and romantic attractions all align. Alloromantic aces or allosexual aros are kind of in a unique position to understand these attractions a little more deeply. (Now does that mean I can differentiate between my own romantic and platonic attraction? Absolutely not! But that's besides the point!)

[@thatcatthatalwayseatsyourchees]

As a fellow lesbian I can vouch for you

[@Ally-qh1ck]

as an ace lesbian this is accurate

[@jamsistired]

As an aromantic allosexual gay guy, it’s kinda flipped for me but it’s pretty similar, I will find somebody sexually attractive and then if they are a cool person and have a good personality then maybe we could pursue that relationship. it’s about personality too not just blind sexual attraction I can find anyone aesthetically attractive so it doesn’t really factor in for me

[@qdarkness1042]

As an alloromantic asexual, i’ve actually never seen a more accurate description of how my attraction works (just sub out women/femininity for men/masculinity)! Like, so not interested in genitals but for some reason a more masculine personality and aesthetic feels more attractive? It is so difficult for me to explain to people so major props for putting it into words so perfectly!!

[@susannairisastarte5192]

Grey Ace Demi Bi romantic here. Rarely attracted to anyone, and it takes time for me to develop any romantic feelings, if any. Definitely attracted to mellow and more feminine types. But happily single.

[@Leena79]

I love the shoe analogy. I never feel fully comfortable wearing shoes, and if I could, I'd go barefoot year round. I'm all kinds of queer and these questions really put my brain in a knot. I do think, if anything, these questions show there's a need for more discourse between the straights and the lgbtq+ community. These are fascinating things to talk about, if it's done with an open mind and without prejudice. I do think the straight atheist in the last question has been living under a rock, though.

[@orelliaorellia142]

I'm a teacher in France. And I teach History, Geography and something called Moral and Civic Education (basically we go through a lot of various society topics from how our democracy or justice system work to how to manage discrimination to how responsibly use Internet...). I teach middle schoolers and I am more than happy to hear them asking questions about lgbt things. Like they know various words but don't fully understand it and ask me to explain. Which is incredible progress because 15 years ago, when I was in middle school, I never heard the work lgbt, trans and even homosexual. I learned about the topic a lot later. More than that, they listen seriously to my answers, which means it is a genuine question and a topic of reflexion for them.

[@emmaplaysgreen2849]

Salut! My son is in troisième in collège (the last year of of middle school, for everyone else) and his principale has been really supportive when it came to changing his first name and pronouns, both on ProNote (the national digital education portal) and when it came to informing teachers and Vie Scolaire. Of course, he's the third trans lad to go through this process, and the other two are his best friends

[@emmaplaysgreen2849]

En fait, est-ce vous êtes, peut-être, ici en Bretagne? Mon fils m'a dit que sa prof d'histoire-geo a été trés sympa! Peut-être c'est vous???

[@BlooMonkiMan]

High-key seething that we Americans aren't like this.

[@orelliaorellia142]

@@emmaplaysgreen2849 Je suis en région parisienne, mais c'est chouette de savoir que c'est un phénomène répandu partout en France !

[@orelliaorellia142]

@@emmaplaysgreen2849 That's great! It is important to know that nowadays, changing names and pronouns and recognising the transition of a student is enforce by law in school. It is nice to know it went smoothly for your son and his friend. And don't worry, our brain hate when we try to rewrite some cases he made but with time it get easier ^^

[@TheCakeMixer]

The religion thing is interesting; people who aren't affected by something don't always notice what's going on. Also; there are so many extremes with religion; you can get some really supportive groups and some that are militant in their hate.

[@Musiclover-tm5es]

Yeah. It is a mixed bag

[@comp.lex4]

24:44 Very interesting to me to hear this kind of reaction to a cishet person use the word queer! As a 23yo trans girl, I see it as just being the obvious umbrella term. I didn't even notice until you mentioned it haha

[@animeartist888]

It's a little weird for me to hear as well. Personally, though, I think my reaction to hearing it is heavily dependent on the way it's said. You can tell by hearing someone speak whether they're being rude or not. I had the same problem as a redhead when I first heard the term "ginger" used as a positive descriptor and not a slur. It was shocking, gave me quite a startle hearing it from someone I thought of as a friend. But it was clear she didn't intend to be hurtful with it, so I didn't even mention it to her until weeks later when I proceeded to ask what the term meant to her intead of berating her for using it without knowing her specific context. People who have reclaimed "queer" have used it enough that cishet allies have started using it- that's fine! So long as it's used with good intentions, I have no problem. Still sounds strange, though.

[@gem3763]

Same here- definitely a generational difference. Depends a lot on the context that it’s used in- if someone uses ‘queer’ or ‘queers’ as a noun it triggers the alarm bells but I don’t really notice or mind when it’s used as an adjective.

[@comp.lex4]

@@gem3763 Right. If it's a noun, it better be a queer person using it, or at least a straight one mocking 'phobes. But as an adjective... It's just what we are, idk!

[@shnark]

Probably highly dependent on the cultue as well. In my country, "queer" is probably the most known umbrella term. You can see it printed on official pamphlets and such :D

[@llegando-al-umbral]

​@@shnark Adding to this! Some languages have started to incorporate the word queer to refer to everyone who isn't cis-allo-het! In Spanish, my mother tongue, people use the word queer (sometimes spelled "kuir") without any negative connotations, because we just don't have a history of that word existing until the LGBT+ community reclaimed it

[@gattoleone1843]

I am a panromantic asexual guy (and also trans and autistic) and I vibe with the "why is not everyone pan" question ahah, except that to me the whole concept of sexual attraction sounds weird. If I were to ask that question I'd phrase it like "you're a man, you get along with this person, you like their look, you like their personality, you wish you could spend so much time with them, they're the best friend you could wish for... but he's a dude so you don't fall in love with him. Why? How is something as arbitrary as a social construct so efficiently blocking love from forming in your heart?" (I know it's just a matter of different people being different, but it looks like that when I turn my brain off). Because I don't understand physical attraction either, single-gender attraction based on bodily shapes makes even less sense to me.

[@alexvainio]

I also find it fascinatingly mysterious, as an autistic aroace-spec transguy. I do experience aesthetic attraction, so on some level I sometimes get it, sometimes not. :D

[@vamp_bat_chomp]

Ayyyyy, pan romantic, ace, enby autistic here, kinda same? I guess I just have to accept sex is an important part of romance for quite a lot of people, not us though 😂

[@WitchOracle]

As a grey-ace panromantic cis woman, I'm with you. Intellectually I know people experience sexuality differently from me, so I'm not actually wondering why everyone isn't pan, but there's still a part of me inside that's like "huh, it feels so natural to be like this, how do other people not feel it?"

[@Stick_and_stone]

Autistic and pansexual and I definitely don't understand why some people would be worried if they like a person of this gender and then also find themselves liking another gender. I say keep your options open, the more free the more comfortable, no? My definition for pansexual is that gender doesn't change how attractive a person is, just how they act AND how they look. Any gender has the potential to look good, so yeah. If you look hot, you look hot no matter what gender. I just like cool people and sexy people 🤷

[@lithellylbeleth4426]

panromantic asexual as well as polyamorous and a trans woman (allistic but not completely neurotypical though) here and so many times I've thought "man how much better would the world be if everyone just cuddled and kissed everyone"

[@dragoncohert]

Misgendering in person is definitely a thing I struggle with as an ally. I think it is because of the physical cues of their past selves still influencing our shortcut brain patterns (like speaking in your native language vs secondary language).

[@dietotaku]

it's definitely a cognitive shortcut thing. brains are always trying to take the path of least resistance and that means you have a lot of heuristics and schemas built up that take a single piece of external stimuli and make a shitton of assumptions about it. the instant you look at your cousin your brain goes "i know that face! it's [deadname]!" and it all happens in a matter of milliseconds.

[@roundhouse2616]

Legit all you need to do is practice, eg if someone changes their pronouns to she/her just look at them and think ‘she she she’. At least that’s what I do lol

[@blueismylove3128]

As an ally I totally agree. Especially when someone still uses terms that technically aren't aligned with their gender (sister, dad, aunt) and/or still presents in a fem/masc way.

[@professorfoxtrot]

I'm tired of cis-humans referring to me as a person. I identify as a rhinoceros.

[@alex_blue5802]

I always appreciate it if someone corrects themselves after their brain catches up.

[@BiggerinRealLife]

I’m nonbinary and only figured that out a little over a year ago (thanks, Jamie! You definitely helped!). I once described my gender like walking around for my whole life wearing a face of makeup someone else, who didn’t know my features and taste, put on me and told me looked pretty. It was such a relief to finally wash it off.

[@rileythomas7500]

Congrats on being you!

[@CharlesWawa]

You're awesome :D

[@IKnowEverythingButMyIdentity]

​@science_bear They are existing as themself. How is that homophobic? As a lesbian, I have been attracted to enby people before, I'm still gay.

[@rileythomas7500]

@@IKnowEverythingButMyIdentity Just ignore them. The happy comments will swallow up this spot of negativity.

[@PinkPuffball1992]

@@IKnowEverythingButMyIdentityI've seen them before. They are a cis gay supremacist that thinks that if you are not exclusively cis and gay, then you are homophobic. Just ignore them

[@kateh2893]

I've NEVER seen anyone who is upset about puberty blockers have ANY concern about parents use them no consensually on disabled children. It's not about children. I'm a pan wheelchair user and the overlapping issues from the two communities can get to be. a. lot.

[@AwwesomeVal]

I had no idea people were nonconsensually forcing disabled kids onto puberty blockers. That's absolutely insane.

[@kateh2893]

@@AwwesomeVal it's normally done to children who are completely dependent on caregivers. the concept is that these caregivers want their child to stay smaller and less sexual to make them easier to care for as a six foot adult who likes to masturbate can be difficult for reasons. HOWEVER, that's not necessarily a good reason to change someone to your liking. if our society was different, if we had better respite care, provided hoyer lifts and other needed supplies, and if we weren't so weird to caregivers/parents about children (even adult children) being sexual I wonder if that issue would fade away on its own? but we'd have to do those things to find out.

[@Taich0u]

Everyone’s also VERY cool with gender-affirming surgeries when they’re performed on intersex people as babies without their consent.

[@anacsadder]

​@@kateh2893 Oh, wow. Forcibly, physically altering a person to make them easier to take care of is all kinds of fucked up.

[@realfingertrouble]

@@Taich0u I also find these 'don't do surgery on children!' (which isn't happening for trans kids) go very quiet when you mention circumcision.

[@erraticonteuse]

As someone who identifies as bi/pan (the way I experience attraction fluctuates too much that I don't find it useful to say definitively the role gender does or doesn't play in it), physical attraction includes body parts that aren't genitals, especially faces. Someone's character can certainly affect your overall attraction to them (someone you were attracted to becomes repulsive when you find out they're bigots; someone you don't initially find attractive who is very charismatic and kind becomes more attractive the more you get to know them-I've experienced both.) In general, straight and gay people are just not attracted to overall bodies that fall outside their perception of the gender they're oriented towards. Some straight and gay people are able to maintain attraction to someone when their genitals are outside that preconception, some aren't, and why they are or aren't able to thread that needle is personal to each and every gay and straight person.

[@kurotsuki7427]

The confusion from the person almost makes me wonder if they are somewhere on the ace spec and dont know so they dont realise that the way they see sex and attraction isn't the norm. I know i was rather confused about why people were upset about same sex marage and attraction cause i didn't understand that my lack of reaction to people same gender or different to me wasn't how everyone else was. So in my mind gay or straight or bi were all confusing and if you liked a persons personality enough then go for it. I understand that for most physical aspects do play a larger role for most others now that i know im ace so my lack of giving a heck isnt the common response 😅

[@isabelcarrasco4528]

As someone who is asexual but aesthetically and I think romantically attracted to men (and only men) I agree. I don't WANT to see what is in someone's pants but if someone visually appears to be male, I might be attracted (depending on the details of looks and behaviour). Whereas with female-appearing people, there's nothing, no matter how beautiful they look.

[@anthophyllite]

I agree. I don't know what it's like to actually be attracted to just one gender since I am bi, but how somebody looks definitely influences my attraction to them. I don't really wanna say what makes them "look like a certain gender" or where the "line" would be as I don't have experience with that, but I know that I have a certain type, that I'm not attracted to people others find really hot and that this type is influenced by physical features like for example face shape, the way they have their hair/facial hair etc. So I suppose it's similar with attraction to just one gender that there are physical features they're attracted to and others they're not attracted to which is something that might change over time but nothing they can consciously influence.

[@remitiras]

My sibling actually misgenders me more when we're next to each other than when we're not. They're also non-binary, they're just used to A misgender me next to our parents because they're kinda transphobic and B the visual que does actually confuse them.

[@morganjohnston3225]

On the stopping misgendering thing: I remember when I was younger I had a teacher who got divorced halfway through the school year and changed back to her maiden name (I know it's not the same thing but this comparison will make sense in a second). I didn't really struggle with the new name but my mom did. My mom always called her the right name when talking to me and then said the wrong name when talking to my teacher. She said it was because when she was in front of my teacher all she could think was "don't say *old name* don't say *old name* don't say *old name*" and because it was all that was on her mind that's what she ended up saying. I think it's likely a similar concept with that person's cousin. In person they're probably putting extra pressure on themselves so all they're thinking is "don't say *deadname* don't say *deadname* don't say *deadname*" and that's making them say it. I would encourage them to try to swap their thinking to "do say *name*" instead, so the deadname isn't on their mind and the person's actual name is. That and maybe chill out a bit cause the extra pressure is likely what's causing them to mess up if this is something they actually care about

[@ninjakiwigames5418]

I personally don't mind cishet people calling us queer. It might be cuz the first time I heard someone use the word queer it wasn't as a slur, so I never associated it with that.

[@ShiftylittleDemon]

I feel the same, but I would still advise cishet people to make sure the queer people they're around are okay with it, because as a reclaimed word I can see why some queer people may feel a bit iffy about someone who isn't lgbt using it, even if they're okay with other queer people using it

[@gem3763]

@Shifty Yup, particularly around the older generations. Best to ask even the younger people too of course.

[@ck-du8bk]

​@@ShiftylittleDemon Once a word has been reclaimed at has to be available to all people, if a majority of people can't use it then the definition hasn't really changed. Also 'queer person' v 'member of the LGBTQIA+ community' - the latter just has too many syllables for conversation. I'd be more cautious with older generations as queer has a different connotation for many of them, but it's a great word.

[@k.v.7681]

I don't like the word and don't use it myself, but I don't stop anybody from using it either. I think intent should always be considered. "Gay" is used endlessly as a slur, yet nobody bats an eye. Just like a lot of people don't really notice the word queer as offensive. Time has made it so. I'm from a transitional generation, hence my discomfort.

[@ShiftylittleDemon]

@@ck-du8bk not exactly Many black people have reclaimed the n word, yet I highly doubt you'd say it's available to all people It's not that simple And there are plenty of alternatives to 'queer' that aren't "LGBTQIA+" You could just say LGBT (has the same amount of syllables as "American", so if saying "American people" isn't too many syllables then this should also be fine), or you could say the person's specific identity like gay, bi, trans, ace, etc

[@peachtea6514]

I don't want to pathologize someone but the person who doesn't understand being straight or gay very much reminds me of my own thought process as an autistic person who doesn't fit in binaries well. It can be hard to relate to other people's experiences in the same way they can't relate to ours, and while trying to understand others better sometimes you come across as a little rude or a little silly 😅

[@RabidLemurProd]

Oh, do I feel that. 😅 sometimes I fall down this mental rabbit hole like "wait, what the hell even IS gender?" And the best answer I can muster is like "uh... vibes???"

[@CharlieHolmesT]

Also autistic and I agree, I've kinda fallen into this kind of thinking before. My version was that surely most people are bi/pan and at the ends of the spectrum is a relatively small number of gay and straight people. But that societal homophobia meant that only people further along the spectrum came out.

[@magdafachada6075]

I had a similar thought process but abt the person being asexual or aroace. I've struggled to understand what is it that sexual attraction or romantic attraction is and once I found the labels it made a bit more sense why I didn't understand

[@Mrcleanfrfr]

Also autistic, I'm queer as well but I still can't fanthom how people can just boil down sexuality to just genitalia wuthout being perverted

[@ThreeRaccoonsInATrenchCoat82]

@science_bear as a gay person on the spectrum, I understand that people have different sexualities (aren't exclusively pan/any other sexuality), I just find it very hard to relate to those feelings. Like, my friend attracted to women will sometimes just stop and be like, "god, women, yk?" and I will /not/ know, because I have no idea how that feels and can't comprehend attraction to women despite well knowing that other people feel that way. It sort of boils down to 'I don't know what the heck you're on about because I don't experience that myself, but you do you.' I don't know if any of that makes sense, have fun deciphering my thought pattern lmao (edit:) this will be different for all autistic people as it is a ~spectrum~, my view is just kind of 'I'll leave it alone because I don't know how the actual heck you can feel that way'

[@melphillips1608]

For me I don’t give a shit. He/she/they pronouns work for me. 🎉 woo hoo !! Some instances I get called sir. Some instances I get called ma’am. Works for me. 😊 As long as I’m living my best life I’m not fussed. 🎉

[@ArbitraryCodeExecution]

question if you dont mind, do you get people (friends or relatives or w/e) correcting others when they use pronouns they think are wrong to refer to you?

[@mistingwolf]

Same here! Call me anything, I really have no preferences.

[@melphillips1608]

@@ArbitraryCodeExecution No. My family is transphobe.

[@animeartist888]

I'm a cis woman, but very much feel the same. The only time I get upset about pronouns or titles is when they're obviously intended to be the wrong ones. And that's only happened twice in my near 30 years.

[@dietotaku]

they is my favorite pronoun. when in doubt, use they! i personally don't care either, and being a girl on the internet i get "he" A LOT. but unless i'm specifically speaking on a women's issue it doesn't really matter whether i'm perceived as male or female so i roll with all pronouns.

[@palesgensler3099]

Even a lighthearted out can sometimes come off as hurtful. I tell you this, because as an autistic person, I sometimes struggle to tell whether someone is teasing me in a friendly way, or whether they’re actually being mean. And when I tell people that I often get accused of just being overly sensitive. Obviously, I don’t know this straight person or their friends. So I don’t know the full situation or what exactly they are saying to them. But it’s just something that I thought bring up so that maybe people will keep that in mind.

[@Reanna69]

That last post had me laughing. You gotta be blind to not see all the religious (usually Christian) hate and discrimination towards LGBTQ+ people.

[@AndaraBledin]

For the vast majority of everybody, if it doesn't affect them or someone they are very close to, they usually never see animosity directed at others. It takes a higher than average level of empathy or mindfulness to really notice when others are being subjected to bigotry. ... also, some people have no clue about just how insulated they are from the lives others might be living.

[@stormSeven]

I guess it also depends on where you live. The Swedish church is VERY welcoming and accepting.

[@Telarii]

As a Polish person, I laughed as well. The catholic church has done nothing but shower us in hate and calling for discrimination both verbal and physical.

[@kellyl13]

Yeah, I'm cis het, and even I have a bias against religious (specifically Christian) people, partially because of how LGBT+ people are treated (although me being disabled is also part of it; they can be weird about disability, either trying to heal me through Jesus or telling me it's a punishment by God. That being said, ablism in religion is not as common as anti-LGBT+ sentiments, and I know far more disabled people who are happy in their religious community than LGBT+ people who are).

[@kellyl13]

@@stormSeven Yeah, my first response was "Does this person live somewhere other than America?"

[@starfishgurl1984]

As an AFAB demigirl who falls under the trans umbrella but also happens to be asexual and aromantic and experiences aesthetic attraction I found this video very interesting! Because of my confusing and non straightforward feelings (I.e. I didn’t feel 100% easily identifiable with the most common orientations/identities) it took me until my early 30’s to fully understand myself by finally discovering the existence of asexuality, aromanticism, and demigenders to explain how I felt and through that also realizing that aesthetic attraction existed and was totally separate from sexual and romantic attraction. I struggled for so long because of how much in the gray areas I fell and not being able to communicate my feelings in a way that made sense to other people that it was exhilarating when I finally found other people who felt like me and just “got it” without any need for explanation. As for answering questions from other well meaning people trying to understand how I feel when I talk about being an AFAB demigirl who feels partially male I still have trouble sometimes explaining myself in a way that makes sense to them but I absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your shoe analogy and might make use of it in the future because it just seems to “fit” me so well so I thank you very much for that one!

[@supermangarritano6636]

As a trans person I only educate those who are willing to learn and understand but for those who are like talking to wall then they’re not worth it.

[@_StarlightRose_]

It is hard to tell when someone is genuinely curious and wants to learn tbh

[@samstudio1122]

i’m curious about it as a straight cis male i think i’m using that right i’m in the 1.8 minecraft community and as of recently a lot of the LGBTQIA+ is coming to the community and it’s a good thing one of the poeple i play ranked bedwars with just came out as trans and i was so used to calling him well him and how do you recommend i get used to or completely stop saying him i feel bad because i’m not doing it because i disagree it’s because i just was in the habit of calling her him anyways any advice is welcome thanks!

[@samstudio1122]

also because i do youtube i wanted to make a video about being more accepting of these people in the community because there is a issue with it any points y’all think i should bring up

[@_StarlightRose_]

@@samstudio1122 i think one way you could break the habit would be to slow down your typing or thoughts when playing with her and make sure you're using the right pronoun Intentionally use the right one in every sentence you can and eventually you'll make a habit of that Another solution that may work is to think of her like a boat because cis people tend to call vehicles "her", right? Sounds stupid but it may work

[@samstudio1122]

@@_StarlightRose_ thats actually genius and thankfully shes told me that if i mess up once or twice while breaking the habit its fine and she knows i mean well thats actually really smart thank you for the advice!

[@EastSider48215]

I appreciate that you simply accept that the questions are asked in good faith and answer them as directly as possible. I’m straight, and while I understand that it’s not the job of any one LGBTQIA+ person to educate me, I don’t know who better to ask when I want to be sure to treat people with the basic, fundamental respect that they are due.

[@pathevermore3683]

ask question in good faith, get good faith answers. ask "what is a woman? _tradmark matt walsh_ " and you get "someone who will never touch your junk".

[@Snoodle829]

Just make sure the question is either contextually relevant, or the person is actively seeking questions to answer. Don't just randomly ask invasive questions to the queer people in your life and you'll be fine.

[@EastSider48215]

@@Snoodle829: I always start with “May I ask you about (general topic)? It’s OK if that’s not something you want to discuss with me, but I thought you might have a better perspective than I do.” And yes, there’s some kind of context for the conversation to begin with and I have these kinds of conversations only with close friends, who already know me well enough to be completely comfortable saying No (which does happen on occasion with my friends on a variety of hot-button topics such as race, religion, and political ideology). These are my friends, so if there is something they don’t want to discuss with me, I’m not going to be a jerk about it.

[@alex_blue5802]

Googling is also good. Obviously you're going to see some homophobia, but it should be obvious to ignore those answers.

[@Finn_the_Robin]

Hello all cool people watching this video 👋

[@macav1ty]

hello to you too, love your pfp :D

[@marcelinepink]

OMG pfp bestie

[@Misty_M00nlight01]

Hello other cool person!

[@Vahlee-A]

Hi-li! 👋🏽

[@CharlesWawa]

hi :3

[@Gremlin_Boi_]

😂jamie getting frightening was actually very silly

[@Kalakcha]

The pan question is really funny to me. When i was a young child i was adamantly convinced that sexual preference was a choice, and that you just fall for a person despite their gender, my parents (very progressive people for they age) tried to explain to me that it was not the case. That straight, gay and lesbians don't chose who they are attracted to. But i was very confused by this and it always felt strange to me on some level. Only a lot of years later i realized the reason. I'm pansexual.

[@qhyirrghsteinne3109]

As an ace, I thought you could control feeling attraction for people and that I just needed to try harder to have crushes on people lmao

[@orangenal]

I've heard the "wearing the wrong shoes" analogy for dysphoria, but even as a trans person it never made sense to me, the way Jamie described it here actually made it make sense! :D

[@dolson27]

About the accidental misgendering in front of someone but not behind your back, my martial arts teacher did that for a while at first. He got the right name and pronouns most of the time, including when I wasn't around, but as soon as we were on the mats, he reverted back to what he always knew me as before. It wasn't malicious or anything. He just fell back into his old habits. Also, I didn't pass female very well in my uniform at the time.

[@crazycat1166]

I think possibly the reason it's harder to gender correctly when they are there is because if you are with them the conversation is much more "in the moment" therefore the response is going to be automatic. Whereas when you chose to talk about the person more thought has gone into it therefore it's easier to remember to refer to them correctly 🤷‍♂️

[@melphillips1608]

I used to think hormone blockers were ‘bad’ but then I got educated and pfffft they’re no big deal. LOL Love having been uneducated. ❤

[@maggpiprime954]

7:00 I think it's happening because in social situations we fall into habit. When we're alone, we have the space to be deliberate and mindful because there are no distractions, no time pressure for immediate response. Just keep practicing alone, and correcting in situ. The corrections help retrain the brain in the moment, like working your first busy shift at a new job. You'll get there. 😊

[@anominon]

I think the "why isn't everyone pan" question is asking how we define orientation if we don't define gender by physical characteristics. Eg how can someone be physically attracted to only men if being a man isn't a physical trait. This is something I've seen come up before and honestly I don't know how to answer it either, but hey, I'm ace, so I wouldn't know.

[@AnimeLuver0604]

This sort of discussion just makes it seem (in a positive way) that orientation is sort of becoming closer to actually being about preference. Like it should be really. Peoples sexual and romantic interests or lack of shouldn't matter so much, it should just be "these are the traits I like" and go from there. If there's something in the person's pants you don't prefer, congrats, you aren't compatible, move on.

[@anominon]

Yeah I guess that makes sense, though some people think it's "erasure" of gay and lesbian culture in some way, but in the end that culture will still exist, labels are meant to describe not define, and people like who they like, so long as they're not jerks about when they don't like someone that way.

[@Roadent1241]

​@@AnimeLuver0604That just means I'm not at all compatible with humanity as a whole as a repulsed ace XD But people get funny if you try kissing cats......

[@MissCaraMint]

I mean if gender didn’t mean anything then we wouldn’t have trans people in the first place. So it clearly means something both to the person who identifies with what ever gender they are and the person who is attracted to that gender. It’s explaining exactly what that something is that becomes difficult. 🤔

[@AnimeLuver0604]

@@MissCaraMint nah, even if we got rid of gendered concepts/language you'd still find people who want to express themselves physically differently to how they were born. There'd just be nuance like we're already beginning to see. A feminine man is still a man, but how much gender crossover can you find between him, a fem enby, and a trans/cis woman? Potentially a lot. But they all fall into different categories because we as humans have decided people need to fit a box, then get mad when it's a tight squeeze and needs force to make them fit.

[@kimhorse05]

Laughed way too hard at "oh my god, you gave me a fright" being a reaction to the person in the story having gender/dysphoria sneaking up on them. It took me a second to realize this was not part of the story 🤣

[@FokudaIsao]

Religion was one of the things that kept me in denial for decades regarding my gender identity. I was taught that we can reincarnate into any of the sexes, and the idea was for us to learn the roles and responsibilities of each one. Failing to do so would mean delaying your evolution and journey to enlightenment, and you would eventually have to “repeat the exam” until you passed. Today I have a lot of resentment to go through because of it.

[@FokudaIsao]

@OdinsSage it’s a bit of a mix, but the basis is Spiritism. It’s originally from France, but it found place to grow in my home country Brazil. I followed the teachings of a branch that was greatly influenced by a famous medium there. They preached that part of the “learning plan” while reincarnated, you were expected to learn the roles and responsibilities of the sex you were born as.

[@Syeraru]

Something I want to add to the shoe-discomfort metaphor is the social aspect. Not only do you have to walk in uncomfortable shoes all 24/7, but when you tell people it's uncomfortable you are often told that you're lying, or you just haven't walked hard enough. And another layer to it is if people are attracted to you because of those shoes; people being attracted to something that makes you so uncomfortable can make that discomfort way stronger.

[@aarondubourg3706]

The Pan Question: there's a thing called the "Split Attraction Model." Basically there arr multiple types of Attraction that might align or might differ from each other. The "main" types of Attraction often discussed are: Aesthetic, Sensual, Platonic, Romantic, and Sexual attraction. These different attractions can interact and synergize in very... queer ways. Attraction to the "character" or personality sounds similar to "intellectual attraction" which is is basically someone you would want to have a conversation with, could also fit other types of attraction as well. Part 2 of answering that question. In th A-spec communities, there's an understanding of Sex/Romance-Favourable to Sex/Romance-Repulse spectrum. Speaking from experience, Sex-Repulsion can make one lose any desire/interest/attraction to another person or the scale of repulsion overpowers whatever attraction there might have been. Maybe someone could feel a type of Bi or Pan attraction but they have a repulsion that's just too great. Or maybe they just feel a mono-attraction.

[@The_Fake_Fando_Rando]

15:00 When my dysphoria gets extremely bad for whatever reason it's like it gets so uncomfortable that my chest area feels pain in a way, like it's so uncomfortable to the point I feel like crying a lot. Once it had gotten so bad to the point I didn't even want to move because of the amount of discomfort and pain my dysphoria was causing for a WEEK. That was quite literally the worst week of my life. I still do get chest pains from my dysphoria (I haven't transitioned yet) but honestly from my perspective and experience dysphoria for me is being extremely uncomfortable in your body and like being trapped in a state of discomfort and pain from my experiences.

[@hulda4ever]

2:11 that was the most gentle I've ever seen a person get scared! I would feel so safe with you

[@sillybananachops]

I identify as Demi sexual - I need to feel a connection to a person and who they are before I can feel sexual attraction, I do also describe myself as pan/bi romantic in that I can feel romantic attraction to any gender/person and that sexual attraction follows. I can see where this question comes from as I know that people do want to have sexual experiences with people they don’t know (I’ve never wanted that) but will also be sexually and romantically attracted after getting to know someone. But that’s just how I understand myself, as you say everyone is different.

[@BiggerinRealLife]

I only recently heard that nonbinary is considered under the trans umbrella, and based on the definition that absolutely makes sense. Personally, I (enby) don’t refer to myself as trans because I feel like that would be stepping on the trans experience. I have many trans friends and a couple of trans exes, and since I often present as my assigned birth gender and am almost 100% of the time treated as if I am, I feel like my lived experience differs greatly from what they’ve explained to me living as a trans person is like. I have my own experiences of bigotry and social denial of my gender, but it’s nothing compared with what they live with. I am looking into gender affirming surgery, so maybe once I stop presenting as aligned with my birth gender that will change, but for now I wouldn’t be comfortable referring to myself as trans because I feel like that’s appropriating an experience I don’t share. It was very interesting to learn I technically belong under that umbrella though, and I enjoy talking about it because it often becomes a very nuanced conversation and opportunity to share experiences with other cool people.

[@magentafox1657]

I'm nonbinary as well and I don't consider myself trans because I feel like the term is too associated with the binary for me to be comfortable with other people referring to me (specifically) that way. Like if I told someone "I'm trans" they might think I'm a man which I'm not. I like hearing other people's perspectives as well, very interesting :)

[@_something64_59]

I'm enby and I think if an enby person is trans that's ok and that's them. It can be really harmful to shove unwilling NBs under an umbrella that some don't want. As an enby person, whether or not an enby is trans is up to them and them alone

[@Clovergem_in_the_snow]

That makes sense! I’m non-binary and only kind of identify as trans (mostly if I comes up I’ll just say I’m queer or use any pronouns or whatever). Both labels are so versatile, and for me it helps having several in my arsenal for when my preferences change (I might be she/they one day and he/they the next, or they/them and later they/it… you get the idea) Both of my friends are non-cis as well (trans and agender) so I try to be careful and keep in mind that my experiences are different than theirs!

[@_ductape_471]

There's this concept that I did some googling on after I saw someone else comment about it a few months ago, called gender modality. It basically encompasses the different ways that a person relates their AGAB and actual gender. There are obviously the big two, transgender and cisgender, and then there are a bunch more. A bunch of them are related to intersex people, but some of them, for example, absgender, describe people who don't identify with being trans or cis. I personally relate to this, and it seems like y'all are describing something similar as well. I feel like I've always been my gender identity, it just took me a while to realize what that gender identity was.

[@runeseaks]

This was also more recent news to me. I (nonbinary) don't really consider myself trans. Some parts of my experience overlap with that of trans people, and I'm not opposed to being trans, but it just doesn't feel like a term that fits me. Idk. I haven't really had the trans experience of 'transitioning'. I've always been nonbinary, it was just a matter of learning a word to describe it. Nothing about me has really changed or transitioned upon realizing that the gendered term I was given didn't fit. I'm not sure I'd feel any differently if I did have gender affirming surgery. 🤔 (I'd be curious to find out lol.)

[@CoMorbiditty]

The shoe metaphore is AMAZING!!!!

[@dgbsneeze]

After Jamie getting jumpscared I have to see him play a horror game😂

[@Zoomalyssa]

You are so good with your words and just explaining things in general!! This felt like a very productive video, thank you so much for what you do!!!! 🫶

[@alejandramoreno6625]

I sympathise with the person who accidentally misgenders. I have a friend who is NB, who I met years before their transition, so when I think about them or talk about them to others, I sometimes revert to their deadname by accident. The thing is that when I'm with them, to me, they are the same person I know and love, so my brain just reverts to the first name I associated with them. It frustrates me. I want to know if it will go away.

[@bunhelsingslegacy3549]

Yeah, same here, brain reverts to known pathways witout bothering to run it through any conscious decision making... what I'm doing is trying to refer to everyone always as they/them as a default, and trying to form a habit by changing it for everyone is making it easier to do for the people I knew for years with different names and pronouns.

[@Translucentmoonlight]

This happened to me too, but I didn't know them for very long before they came out so it only took me a couple weeks to get used to using they/them pronouns

[@alwaystired1]

from a purely human brain perspective, changing something you've done for YEARS, takes time and is difficult. you care and make an effort, the rest comes with time :)

[@twilightburial]

this is something a lot of people struggle with, trans and cis people alike. honestly just practicing and correcting yourself is the best thing to do. sometimes i will say someones name and their correct pronouns together about 10-15 times in my head whenever i do get it wrong or if im thinking about it. it just takes time, patience, and practice, give yourself room to change and grow but its also important to communicate that u are trying and that u are getting better at it (and if u arent getting better at it, then maybe try practicing until it sticks in your head a little better)

[@ajs787]

It will. Trust me, it will. You just have to keep practicing. I'd argue the more time you spend with them, the more easily it will come over time. Also, try not to get too frustrated with yourself, cause that will actually in my experience make it worse and more difficult to make that change. Trust in the process and it will happen.

[@VampireClubDJ]

The conversation on attraction to trans men is so interesting! The psychology of attraction is so complex and contextual. How I understand it, the gender of "man" comes with many social and physical markers that are considered masculine that are not genitals. Thicker facial and body hair, Adam's apples, deeper registered voices, smaller breasts, manner of dress, the way one carries oneself, etc. Attraction to some or all of these markers are a large part of what goes into being attracted to men. Though many women possess these traits, and are not less woman due to that, these are socially considered more masculine traits. There is even an "idea" of manhood that others may be attracted to. The concept of having sex with someone who is considered a man, regardless of genitals, maybe enough for some to be attracted. Sure, most people have a genital preference and that is completely fine! But someone dating a trans man with incongruous genitals, and certainly a trans man who has undergone a measure of social and medical transition, is certainly attracted to men.

[@tyrmac]

you gave me a fright is so adorably British, i would have been like "s*** you scared the f*** outta me"

[@dragonles]

Testosterone didn't drop my voice much, and I'm very displeased. I have tried voice training, but it's expensive to do with help, and I am lazy. I still get misgendered on the phone, and I hate it. If I remember (which is often), I respond to the opening prompt asking if it's me with "This is he." It usually stops the misgendering before I get irritated. I hate calling people I don't know because I will inevitably be called "Ma'am." The whole Ma'am and Sir thing should be eliminated, but I'm unsure what could replace it.

[@wintergray1221]

I don't see a need for that kind of clarifier in the first place. "Hello." "Thank you." "Yes, I'll get on that right away." "I'm sorry for the wait. What can I get you?" None of these phrases require a sir or ma'am, and (at least to me) don't sound disrespectful in the slightest.

[@ck-du8bk]

@@wintergray1221 I work in a call centre and you do often need to say "Sir. Sir. SIR. Excuse me Sir" when you have an entitled customer. Personally I hate having the use gendered language, and think "Ma'am" sounds v American. There are scenarios though when I would just use "Excuse me", but it doesn't hit the same.

[@ck-du8bk]

On the subject of replacement's, there's a few that come to mind - bud, mate, pal, dude or friend - which I think are great for out in public, talking to a stranger but the tone doesn't really work for businesses' talking to customers. There's also some more intimate gender-neutral terms too - love, pet, dear, sweetheart, sweetie - you can use these with strangers but are not going to sound appropriate in all areas. Personally love and bud are my fave two, but I'd be keen to hear if there's other well established terms in different countries!

[@edienandy]

I think we should all same comrade lol

[@nicked_fenyx]

This is such an important video and resource. Like most trans folks, I run into trolls all the time on YT. Occasionally I run into someone who genuinely wants to learn. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. When that happens in a more supportive space, it's often frustrating (if understandable) to see others jump down the poster's throat. This happened the other day when I mentioned being a trans guy and someone responded with, "can a trans be a guy?" I initially assumed they were a troll and ignored them, while others jumped down their throat. But over time it seemed more and more this person was genuinely confused and thought only trans women existed, assumed I must be one who for some reason referred to myself a guy, and wanted to know how he could know when to use which label. I eventually took the time to explain, only to have another person mock me for doing so. Learning is the first step towards acceptance. Even as a trans man, I grew up with no idea that trans men existed. I'd only heard of trans women, and wrongly believed they were the same thing as drag queens - which was the opposite of anything I would have identified with due to hyperfemininity triggering dysphoria. So if even a trans guy can be completely unaware of the reality/existence of other trans men, why not a cis person? We all have to learn. Videos like this help. Thank you.

[@wintergray1221]

Yeah, we see so much hate, I think many of us are hair triggered. It can be really hard sometimes to stop and think before lobbing insult food at a potential troll. It also doesn't help since we're never going to get them to see eye to eye with us in any way, least of all by attacking them. And like you said, it possibly alienates the ignorant but generally well-meaning people who want to know more. I'm definitely guilty of a few salty comments, but lately I've been trying to just report them. I don't know how many different reports it takes to be noticed, and sometimes it feels like bigoted bots are literally everywhere now, but small bites eventally lead to a devoured elephant, at least in theory.

[@nicked_fenyx]

@@wintergray1221 Well said.

[@PirateQueen1720]

21:00 - This question is SO funny to me, because I recently read Samuel Delany's 'Trouble on Triton' which includes exactly this scenario - super easy transitions down to the cellular level. And yes, people in this novel are still gay or straight or bi! Sometimes, if someone wants to be with someone who isn't attracted to them because of their current gender, or they think being the other gender would be better for whatever reason, they will get this reassignment. And the doctors don't question them too hard about it, because if they don't like it they can just switch back! But that's all that's different (at least as Delany imagines it, and that makes sense to me).

[@racecarpics]

Also the funny thing is that some of those things this person mentioned already change biologically like breasts for trans women. I think they might have misunderstandings about how medical transition works

[@cori6632]

That's what it was! Just recently I had a dream a lot like the book but with mermaids? And that question made me think of that, and then I was trying to remember the source material, and just. Thank you!

[@JeremyLevi]

@@racecarpics I low key got the vibe that person was a bit confused about the difference between gender and sex as well.

[@ShiftylittleDemon]

I think the pan question could actually create an interesting discussion about the complexity and social construction of human sexuality You and the person asking are kinda focused on genitals vs identity, but you could also throw in gender presentations like femboys, no op or hrt trans folks, nb people who present masc, and butch lesbians in order to really get into the knitty gritty of the discussion. I think this angle might be what the person asking might've been trying to get at but didn't quite have the words to explain it the way they meant, which is understandable because it is not a common topic of discussion outside of online queer discourse and environments that study these things This is actually how people get labels like bi or mspec lesbian and gay, because queerness in gender can tie into our perception of sexual orientation as well The person asking about it still being straight to date a fully transitioned person is dipping into transhumanism. It's kinda a deep topic and I think it's philosophical, so it makes sense why you wouldn't want to get into answering it because those types of questions and thought processes can open whole barrels of worms. The part of their question about the need for sexual labels can also be tied to what I mentioned earlier about queerness in gender and presentation and how it affects our perception of orientation I do believe it is possible to reach a point where labels for orientation are meaningless and not needed since these labels are socially constructed, but it can't be said for certain it will happen

[@animeartist888]

Agreed, I think the question was born from the idea of someone being attracted to a specific type of gender expression. Like a lesbian who only feels attraction to other women when those women are rather masculine-presenting, a.k.a. butch lesbians. The label "lesbian" only covers her attraction to women in general when her actual preferences are more specific.

[@beanicator]

I'm not feeling great at the moment Jamie. I clicked on this video and it made me happy it's exactly 33 minutes long (my favourite number). Thank you for making this content, it always cheers me up. :)

[@jessicamarino7448]

I really appreciate this video. I'm cis straight but I want to understand other people as well as possible to be the best ally I can be. I had internal definitions that helped me understand but this video really broke some molds and explained things in a way I hadn't thought of before. Thank you!! Much love to everyone!!

[@ayam7468]

You're perspective on the use of queer was very interesting to me! I'm a leader of my schools pride club (its like a GSA) and we've requested and fought for admin and teachers to use the term queer. It's the prefered term and primary identity label of most gen-z LGBT people I know. I've noticed a generational divide on this topic.

[@k.v.7681]

There was a time (not that long ago) when it was used as a serious slur. It was the n-word for the LGBT, spoken with hate as a noun. It's a bit like how older black people don't like the n- with an a. It carries too much bad living memories as is to be anything else than hurtful. The issue every younger generation in history faces when they are the youngest is grasping what living memory of older generation implies, because it feels so remote, while it's still fresh for the older generation. It's the curse of getting old, but the blessing of seeing societies heal wounds as populations are renewed.

[@alex_blue5802]

I think for gen z there is no memory of it being used negatively. Even their parents might not have that history.

[@Solescomo]

7:49 That thing about the misgendering when you're WITH someone is so true for me! My cousin is a trans man too and I accidentally misgendered him once when he was with me and felt like the worst person in the whole world for it even though he forgave me. It was infuriating because when I'm not with him I literally speak to people about him using the correct pronouns, I can talk about him ALL DAY and NEVER make a mistake, because I truly do see him for who he is as a guy! And yet when I'm with him, I'm always nervous in case I do it again, and as a result I end up affirming him LESS (e.g. using masculine gendered terms or he/him pronouns) compared to when we're apart.

[@gkeller1031]

Regarding the reclaimed slur, as a cishet person myself with a lot of friends who use that label for themselves and actively identify with it (like just referring to their sexual orientation as that word), I've gotten so accustomed to hearing it and using it with my friends that it's become one of the primary umbrella terms I use. In fact, I'm trying to avoid it in this comment, and it feels almost unnatural not to use it, since it's only been recently that I've been hearing more of the discourse about it being only a word for members of that community since it is a reclaimed slur. I don't want to treat it as something I have a "pass" for because obviously that's not how it works, but I guess in almost all areas of my life it's become so normalized on such a large scale that it makes me wonder whether I was missing something huge the whole time about it being "okay" or not, or if it was considered more okay for a period of time and the attitude is shifting again.

[@gem3763]

It’s definitely a generational difference. Personally, (as a younger trans person) I have no issue with it as long as it’s being used as an adjective and not a noun (eg. “queer people” vs “queers”) and as long as everyone else in the conversation also hasn’t voiced that it makes them uncomfortable.

[@gkeller1031]

@@gem3763 I appreciate the insight! It definitely makes sense for it to be a generational thing. And I would never dream of using it as a noun - absolute bad vibes all around when I see it used that way

[@katrinadaly1755]

That’s so interesting! I’m demisexual and I actually identify so much as queer. It feels as though it’s the one thing that ‘just fits’ me. I wouldn’t identify myself as asexual even though demisexuality is technically on that spectrum. I’m not sure if it’s just because I grew up in a generation where queer wasn’t ever used as a slur (at least in my own world view and experience) so it just doesn’t have those types of connotations to me personally. I’m actually not a huge fan of someone calling me a queer person - like in general conversation or when referring to me with someone else but I do agree that the term ‘queers’ plural sounds offensive and I think that’s because people usually group people like that when they intend to insult or generalise almost having “those people” type vibes. Edit: I would prefer for my friends/people I know well when describing me to others to describe me as demisexual - if they knew I was okay with them disclosing my sexual identity to others.

[@aussiemerican750]

1:58 That is the most energy I’ve seen in a Jammi video in a long time.

[@Genderlessbug]

Thanks for your channel, your videos have helped me through unbelievably rough times. Idk where I'd be without your channel

[@tomcavanagh2643]

As usual an excellent video This reflects my experience with my coming out as a 65 year old gay in a rural village. Very supportive and interesting question. re The gender thing I always regarded myself as totally cis but I have a high voice and was never upset when I was misgendered, I’ve learned something about myself 🤔 Keep up the good work ❤

[@Carollnn]

Jamie, what you said bout the pansexual question is exactly why I identify as bisexual. I’m not terribly fussed about genitals, but a person’s gender does play a role in my attraction to them so pan really doesn’t fit for me. I just find many colors on the gender spectrum attractive.

[@animeartist888]

That's a very good way to put, but "pan" doesn't actually mean "equal attraction to all genders" but rather just that you do have some attraction to all genders. I identify as pan myself, but I do still have a preference for men over others. That said, it's just a trend I've noticed over the years, that I am more often attracted to men in both romantic and sexual ways. I have no idea why it's like that- maybe the women around me just tend to not mesh as well or something. I chose the label when I questioned myself on whether or not someone I was attracted to would be suddenly less enticing to me if they were to transition. The answer was no, I believe that wouldn't affect my feelings. But even if it did, I'd still say I was pan. It doesn't have to be equal attraction across the board.

[@ajwinberg]

Hi Jamie, I love your jumper. It is super cute. I wish I had a warm looking jumper like that right now.

[@parkerjones6071]

congrats on a million subscribers man! love to see this community grow. thank you!

[@jessicastevens5782]

ha - i was so confused with the "walking around in a parachute" analogy, and couldn't wait to see where it was going 🤣👞👞👟👟🥿🥿👠👠

[@skag_gully]

Just picked up my T prescription at the pharmacy and I get surprised w a new video from Jamie. Nice! Also, hi Jamie! Fun fact about bees: when a bee eats the nectar of a flower or pollinating it, sometimes they fall asleep in the flower ^^ If it's not an accurate fact pls feel free to correct me or add your own fun fact!

[@wintergray1221]

I have had a pollen-drunk bumblebee fall asleep on my hand. I actually got to pet it! So cute 🥰

[@AZebraReads]

As a pan person, I also don't understand how everyone is not pan 🤣 but I've figured that it's probably just because I can't imagine how other people feel because I only can feel how I feel. But not because of trans people, just in general. Also with the pronoun slip ups when you're with the person vs not with them, it might be because they're aware that it's important when they're with their trans cousin, so their brain is like "we will focus really hard on this when we are with them" and then fails because the focusing on it makes you slip up. I hope that makes sense, but I know if I try to focus on remembering something or a pronunciation etc then the more I try the more I mess it up. If that makes sense?

[@AwwesomeVal]

I'm bisexual and not pan, and I can answer why I'm not pan pretty easily. While I can be romantically attracted to any person, sexually that is a different story. I am attracted to men and women. I am not attracted to nonbinary people and other people who are other genders the majority of the time. For some reason, inbetween looking people give me that uncanny valley feeling, which makes it impossible to be sexually interested. I also tend to be more attracted to people who are heavily within the appearance of their genders typically. I have recently started being attracted to certain men who dress in the femboi fashion style, but that is mainly because they look like women so hard that those men don't look inbetween to me at all. Inbetween genders tend to all give me the uncanny valley feeling and that turns me off every time.

[@dylan84726]

Personally I've thought of labels as boxes and people as cats. If you leave cats alone they will choose a box, but if you force them into a box (even the one they otherwise chose) they'll hate it. Some of the boxes are bigger, some smaller, and there are a lot of gaps between the boxes due to limitations of language. Now the question I have is pan a very large box or the spaces between the boxes. And similarly nonbinary? I don't think language has the capability of truly capturing the complexity of the human experience. No matter how many labels you make there will always be someone who doesn't fit in any.

[@animeartist888]

Fellow pan. The people I truly don't understand are our ace friendos. How must it feel to just- not have any sexual attraction to anyone ever? The idea is completely impossible for me to imagine lol

[@neondaixus3456]

@@animeartist888 as an ace person- you probably know people you aren't sexually attracted to, right? Imagine that but just with everyone. On the other hand being ace I can't understand what it's like to *have* sexual attraction, since I can't even experience it. Very fascinating indeed :D

[@Muf315]

Some people are monosexuals just like some people are righthanded and others lefthanded and some are ambidextrous.

[@justsomekuro]

I find it so weird that people refuse medical or just even social care for trans people. As someone who sadly will have to transition later in life even with all support, it just seems so cruel to me to actively deny care in any way.

[@kawaiisquid308]

How you described gender dysphoria like shoes made me open my eyes and realize i suffer it. Thank you in the nicest way possible.

[@ancientbaltoy8769]

I've also had the experience of it being harder when my friend was in front of me. Mostly because as you say it connects to what you've thought and said before, but it is something that gets better over time if you can start seeing their true gender in front of you

[@PirateQueen1720]

8:00 - This one IS a super interesting question, although I feel like the questioner is ignoring the fact that people have traits OTHER than just "personality vs. genitals". Like, what if you like curves, or beards, or...? As a bisexual, I'm not really the ideal person to answer this, BUT since I do have "types", I will try: 1) When it comes to initial attraction, you generally can't see the more private regions of someone's body when they're just out in public - so, while that could be a dealbreaker LATER, it clearly isn't what one is noticing first. 2) While the PERSONALITY traits I tend to be drawn to are exactly the same regardless of gender, the combination of physical features and personal style that tend to make me sit up and take notice are different for men, women, and nonbinary people...and I have NO idea why! There is some overlap (I tend to like expressive eyes and shaggy-to-long hair, for example), but it isn't the same. It could be a cultural conditioning thing, to a certain extent, as I feel like the "types" have relaxed a bit over time... Regardless, I can imagine someone who is gay or straight looking for a funny person who likes cats and anime...and also has long hair and boobs and likes to wear skirts, but NOT one who is 7 feet tall with a beard and likes to wear flannel shirts. Or maybe has boobs and likes to wear flannel shirts, or has a beard and likes to wear lipstick - whatever aesthetic it is. You know? It's a whole package thing. 3) If you are bi or pan you probably don't have genital preferences (I mean, maybe you do, but that doesn't make logical sense to me). But, even if one does have such preferences...it doesn't mean a lesbian who prefers vaginas can't be interested in a trans woman, because some (though not all) trans women have had bottom surgery. And the same for gay men or straight people.

[@maxwilliams2669]

About the watching yourself going through the wrong puberty - I did that and can confirm, it is miserable. I've known I'm male since I was 4, came out when I was 11 (before puberty), wasn't allowed on hormone blockers, and now I'm 18 (closer to my 19th birthday) and I've been on T for just over a month, have my top surgery booked for early February and am trying to figure out the logistics of getting bottom surgery after uni/between undergrad and postgrad. The sense of impending doom when you know what's coming and you know what would prevent it but you can't do anything about it because no one will let you, is immense. As you say, all stages of transitioning when appropriate. Hormone blockers are safe, reversible, and appropriate for trans kids. I wish more people knew that. Ironically, I was offered to go on hormone blockers when I was 16. I don't know what the point of that would have been, and that made it seem like adding insult to injury.

[@igreatlyandpowerfullydisag3681]

As a pan person, it also confuses me how, if you are attracted to the character, you wouldn't be able to be attracted to everyone. Its strange to thing about for me

[@draalttom844]

You know... sexist parents fucked things up. They tend to neglect boys and spoil girls. And even whrn they dpnt, the rest of the world does it. So they tend to have similar traits in that regard and if you dont vibe with traits from one if those treatments... theyre out

[@erraticonteuse]

Do you find people physically attractive at all? Not genitals, but faces, body parts/shapes, etc?

[@kathryn1515]

As a pan person who also doesnt understand not being pan/bi im attracted to people physically and emotionally but even if someone isnt super attractive to me if they have a good personality it makes up for it and i don't understand how other people dont relate @@erraticonteuse

[@Translucentmoonlight]

I don't know why I am lesbian, I just know that i have never been attracted to a man and so I just use the label lesbian because that's what I feel best fits my experiences. Even though my attraction is mostly based on personality, calling myself bi or pan wouldn't reflect the ways I have felt attraction. I hope this makes sense

[@erraticonteuse]

​​@@kathryn1515 So, being gay or straight means being attracted to one gender and, in general, no amount of wonderful personality is going to override the lack of attraction to the other gender. How much biological sex and/or genitals matters within that paradigm is personal to each gay or straight person.

[@KdMor]

Thank you Jamie, I knew all that but it's always nice to hear you explain things extensively. And if I may, I really like your calm voice, really helps when I'm anxious. Thanks for your vids! Regarding the question about pansexuality, I agree with your conclusion: sexual attraction is about gender performance, not about genitals.

[@sillybananachops]

Btw brilliant video, there are loads of questions ally’s have but won’t ask and a space where these can be asked is awesome providing that you and others answering have the headspace and good mental health for that!

[@mikaylaeager7942]

As a neurospicy person, when I’m really involved in a conversation and am excited and having fun I tend to be less careful with my words (mispronouncing words, using similar sounding but entirely incorrect words). I can see how misgendering someone only when you’re with them could come from something similar.

[@animeartist888]

neurospicy? I love that term oml

[@Clovergem_in_the_snow]

@@animeartist888 agreed

[@itssteph263]

For the misgendering: I think what might be happening is that OP's cousin has features that are stereotypically associated with feminine-identifying individuals (ex: breasts, curves, long hair, etc.) and OP's brain used to those features being on feminine-identifying individuals = She/Her so it goes to that. It might also be that maybe their cousin only recently came out to the rest of the family and before OP used to only call them by their chosen name and pronouns in secret.

[@pingidjit]

Attraction definitely is more than genitals. I'm a lesbian, yet can sometimes find guys attractive with absolutely zero desire towards them. Also there are certain characteristics (features or personality traits) I find appealing in one gender that when held by the opposite gender are not so appealing at all. Plus the enby crowd throws me for a whole other loop of confused attraction. Sure I desire my partner is penis-less but I also desire them to be a non smoker, non drinker, along with a whole slew of other preferences/attractions. So sexual orientations are relatively minor in comparison to everything else we base our attractions on.

[@liza-uw3sq]

wow, it's the first time I see someone who also prefers their partner to not smoke or drink. I personally will never do either of these and it would be better if my partner also had similar priorities in life:]

[@pingidjit]

Yeah, I don't mind if they have an occasional drink when celebrating (I do like my mimosas at christmas) but overall I find drinking (and especially being drunk) to be off-putting. Smoking is a big no go for me.@@liza-uw3sq

[@blueismylove3128]

@@liza-uw3sq I think lots of people prefer partners that don't smoke or drink, especially the religious crowd

[@sailorr]

the pan question is so interesting, I think they're asking what it means to experience attraction/romantic preference in general!! the broader question they're asking is "how does gender figure into character?"/"how do you objectively define man/woman (cis or trans)?", it's a philosophical question, I don't have an answer :] it's a very pansexual/bisexual question to ask though HAHAH

[@violak5099]

I want to say thank you. You really had an impact on my life. I was raised to hate and fear. Decided I did not want to hate (other people) at the age of 16, but kept hating myself and being scared of nearly everything for another 10 years. I considered myself an ally, but a quiet one. Then, a few months before i turned 26, i found out that my mom is most likely an insecure narcicist, then, a few months later i realized what an impact that had on me, growing up and adult. So i reduced our contact and generally changed it drastically to protect my mental health. I was finally able to be proud of something, be hopefull for the future and i finally found out what it can feel like to be happy in the moment. In that same year thanks to one of your videos (something like ace memes) i got suspicious of me being grey ace and went on a hunt for information afterwards. I told my partner when i felt ready for it, he was supportive. Then at 27 i figured out i am probably pan - completely skipped any bi suspitions because my mom had tought me to hate female bodies, including mine. Thanks to your help and the rabbit hole the youtube algorith has send me on, i was finally able to see beyond that trauma. And now i am figuring out, that i probably have adhd and autism. Plenty of reasons for always feeling like an alien. I am starting therapy soon, hopefully. I have my first appointment in February. I'll turn 28 in a few weeks. Thank you for assisting me in learning how to accept others and myself. It is a neverending journey and i start to enjoy it now.

[@ashstargloww]

22:27 I am nonbinary and I do consider myself trans, but I know other nonbinary people that don't consider themselves trans. It's a case by case basis, mostly about comfort with an optional label

[@ScarletTiger109]

@science_bearthere are quite a few queerphobic queer people out there

[@oats8854]

​@@ScarletTiger109 *cough*transmeds*cough*

[@esf34147]

i feel okay with cishet ppl using the term queer as long as it's used neutrally, obviously depends on context but seeing how queer is used in like academic papers and has also been the word used by a lot of people to describe the community for a looong time, then i don't really mind. but it is a bit weird bc i dont often hear cishets using ''queer'' at all. like, be it negative or positive, they seem to not really use it much. maybe it's a generation thing, too. i think there's no answer for this one. a part of the community WANTS them to call us queer and recognize us as queer (me included), while another part doesn't want that and preferes to be referred to as LGBT+. both are valid

[@JustinTheMid]

As a bi Christian, I’ve felt a lot of the time disconnected from both communities. Like once I’ve actually had someone tell me that me being Christian was hurting the community, which I’m sure is an uncommon sentiment, but yeah… And of course someone (online) told me that just by liking guys I was actively sinning, which is pretty much the opposite of what Jesus said in the Bible, as he said to love everyone more than yourself.

[@tarmairon431]

If you pay your church money and they use that to harm lgbtq people then yes, you being a member would harm the community.

[@sophiamhartsfield]

It makes me happy that there are a lot of cis people that want to be kind

[@littlemomentsjewellery]

If you love reacting to these, highly recommend “you can’t ask that”, an Aussie TV show where people can send in questions they’re too nervous to ask and people from across Aus come in and answer them. They’ve done a few episodes on LGBTQIA+ topics and all are so good 😊

[@comradefriendship]

For the whole "isn't everyone pan" thing I literally thought that exact way all the time, but now I've realized that I'm just bi/pan and I may not truly understand other people's sexualities but they know it for themselves and that's all that matters

[@zachlewis9751]

I’m really bad with names, I will call someone the wrong name that I’ve known for 10+ years and has had the same name for the entire time we’ve known each other. My trick for when someone changes their name in anyway is to overuse their new name. Eventually it clicks. Still going to mess it up, but it’s a lot better.

[@sociallyhawkword]

i think what the gender question was getting at is the same thing I struggle with. if you don't have a genital pref, then how does a person be attracted to a gender? is gender, just presentation? cause that's what most people are saying (whether or not they mean to) when they say they're attracted to a specific gender and that's not a definition that works for me personally. take non-binary as an example. I've heard sooooo many people explain that they can't be pan because they've never been attracted to a non-binary person - and what they're usually trying to say is that they're not aesthetically attracted to androgeny. but non-binary people come in every shape and size and sex and gender presentation...i would argue everyone has the potential to be attracted to a non-binary person (unless you're aro-ace). so what even is gender and how can one be sexually attracted to it on its own.

[@CharlieHolmesT]

I kinda think it's how we perceive them. I've been attracted to non-binary people but they were people who presented as feminine. Speaking entirely for myself, reflectively, it feels like I am attracted to something about my perception of their gender. Which is close to being attracted to their gender presentation but different I think but I am struggling to articulate why.

[@AwwesomeVal]

You're right. I am bisexual, not pansexual, because I am not attracted to androgyny. Most nonbinary people I have actually met are androgynous. Also when it comes to genitals, intersex people who have multiple genitalia also is a turn off. The general idea of gender is highly fluid. It might be possible that a feminine presenting or masculine presenting nonbinary person could be attractive to me like that. But the ones I've met are all androgynous. Generally, I would say I am attracted to people who look highly masculine or highly feminine. This does exclude some men and women. I have been not attracted to certain people, usually because they give me uncanny valley feelings. Men, women, and nonbinary people have given me those feelings, however nonbinary people do it more often than others, because the ones I've met are all androgynous. If we focus on character alone, I tend to only specific men and specific women and it gets even more narrow than that.

[@juli5945]

The answer seems pretty simple: gender isn't only defined by genitals, which means attraction to a certain gender is also not defined exclusively by genitals. Also preferences have a huge influence on attraction and they can be super specific, that to me already rules out the idea that everyone could be pan.

[@ikn0waplace]

4:44 adding on to the shoe analogy, it’s also possible that the shoes did fit at one point. but over time, we grow. eventually the shoes might not fit anymore, so you get new ones. if you keep trying to shove your feet into shoes that no longer fit, you’ll be in a lot of pain.

[@11insalaco82]

thank you for creating such a safe wholesome place on the internet

[@ClassicRuby]

25:05 I'm cishet and I use the term queer, especially in the context of saying queer community. Also, though, the terminology they (I believe it was others like me, although that's just a guess) came up with for what else I am has the term queer in it. Queerspawn, as in a child of someone in the LGBTQ+ community. And since I am queerspawn, I've felt uniquely qualified as a cishet person to use the word queer, since i have a very intimate involvement and ... belonging... in the community struggles and many of the fears and negative effects and battles fought and won. Despite not belonging. It's a complex place to be sometimes. Anyway, I just wanted to share that. Not that that should in any way affect how you feel hearing a cishet person, including myself, use the term. Just wanted to give you my context.

[@JamiJR]

So on the misgendering - I've got a lot of nonbinary friends and we're all cosplayers. So I tend to misgender them when they're in cosplay. IE: If they're cosplaying a male character I'll refer to them as he/him. For me it's all about how they're presenting at the time.

[@SpringStarFangirl]

As an Orthodox Jewish queer woman, I can say for a fact that there can be a very strong anti-religion and antitheistic push among queer communities. I'm often wary of revealing that I'm Jewish- something that is incredibly important to me, my life, and my family- because I've seen people get shut out for being religious and queer and finding ways to balance those two pieces of themselves. I've experienced a lot of negative sentiment, and a lot of queer people make it sound like you have to make a choice between your queerness and religion. What if I want to choose both? Now, I know that a lot of this stems from religious trauma, but it kind of feels like the horseshoe theory- hyper-religious people on one side, antitheists on the other, and they're both telling me that I have to make a choice, one or the other. As a matter of fact, I frequently feel safer in religious surroundings than I do in queer ones (to be entirely transparent about this, however, this is very specific to Jewish communities. I doubt that I would feel the same way in a religious Christian location) because I know that they won't confront me about it- they don't care about my private business; meanwhile, in queer spaces, there will be people who are incredibly mean when I explain that no, I can't have the croissant because it's not kosher, or that no, I can't come to the pride march on Saturday because it's Shabbat. It feels lonely.

[@Clovergem_in_the_snow]

I bet that is lonely! Religion and queerness aren’t inherently opposites or on different sides, no matter what some people think! Trying to reconcile them both as something important to you is very helpful and valuable (and I’m still working on this)- it also goes to show that communities might not be accepting or knowing of other communities- eg, queer spaces not being accessible, religious centers or education not accepting certain people. I hope that things get better

[@animeartist888]

As a pan non-religious person, I'm sorry for the way the community has treated you. I'm certainly wary around highly religious people since they do *in general* tend to share some rather unsavory views about myself and the people I love. That said, it's not a hard and fast rule that every single religious person will be a massive bigot. (Side note- I do find non-Christian faiths to be significantly less worrisome. The bigotry is mostly present in Christian religions.) There's absolutely no reason for the queer community to alienate you simply because you've found something to believe in that makes you feel better about the world. They're acting as poorly as the people that hurt us in the first place. Shame on them.

[@gem3763]

Sorry about that experience, that sounds quite rough. Hope you can find some queer groups that have that healthy acceptance :)

[@SpringStarFangirl]

@@gem3763 I am incredibly lucky to have found groups of people who, like me, find a lot of meaning in their religion alongside being queer. I just hope that someday I won't have to face that kind of hatred from the mainstream queer communities. Thank you.

[@electronics-girl]

I think it began with Anita Bryant in the late 1970s. From that point onward, evangelical Christians in the US were very much anti-LGBTQ. Because evangelical Christians are very loud and are up in everyone's business, it provoked a very strong backlash in the LGBTQ community. (I'm sure that's a vast oversimplification, but that's the basic idea.) As a lifelong atheist, I have a "live and let live" philosophy when it comes to religion. I don't believe in religion, but I don't mind if someone else does. (As long as they're not using their religion as a justification to hurt other people.) Having never been religious, I don't have any religious trauma, so I feel very neutral about religion. It doesn't bother me to go to a church service, but I don't really get anything out of it, either. (So I only go to be polite, when invited by a relative.) Unfortunately, some LGBTQ people do have religious trauma. I go to a wonderful trans support group, which is completely secular, but it is held at an Episcopal church, simply because the church was willing to make the space available. I was talking to another trans woman who was new to the area and wanted to meet trans people in the area. I suggested this group, and she seemed completely on board with it, until I gave her the location. She said that she would never set foot in a church, no matter how secular the group itself was.

[@raineydaze723]

I love that you kept Shabba scary in and didn't edited it out. 😂😂

[@amob.41]

The most British response ever when startled and almost falling off a chair: 'you gave me a fright' 😂 Also, thank you for a really accessible video for everyone - especially outside of the community. I refer to your videos often when someone asks me to explain sth (again). So Thank you!!❤

[@ThreeRaccoonsInATrenchCoat82]

For the cishet person in the queer friend group, I fully sympathise. I've also been singled out and bullied by my friends to the point where I'd avoid hanging out with them as much as possible (albeit for different reasons). It is very hurtful when you're not in on/don't understand the joke or the reasons they're saying what they are. I'd definitely open a conversation to talk about why it's hurting you and to see if they're willing to refrain, at least in your presence. Also, saying your opinion doesn't matter, even as a joke, is very demoralising and has raised a lot of self-esteem issues in me, which is probably why I sympathise so much, I know how awful that can feel. When you do open a conversation like that though, I'd recommend being careful to not sound like "not all straights," like Jamie said, but definitely make sure your opinion is heard this time and find out which straights they /are/ referring to so that you can hopefully separate yourself from what they're joking about

[@Lisa_Flowers]

​@@kaleenar963I mean the onus is always on the people punching down to stop because their behaviour necessitates the punching up. Placing that responsibility solely or even equally on oppressed people when that is a legitimate way of coping with marginalisation and also no where near as actually harmful as punching down, is frankly annoying tbh. Like I'll stop making (fundamentally harmless) jokes about straight people when they let me have human rights or exist without constant fear. Because that's one of the only ways I have to cope with having my sexuality being criminalised in my country and with having no protections and with being literally scared of leaving my own house. In my case the jokes are never outright toxic, just honest critiques of legitimately toxic behaviours, or pretty harmless 'oh, straight people' jokes. And if a straight person isn't engaging in the behaviour that is being criticised or clearly isn't the kind of straight person I have an issue with, then I can't imagine why they would be upset.

[@kaleenar963]

@@Lisa_Flowers I don’t understand how exactly this is related to my comment, but I’m sorry you have to go through that :( Edit: I reread it and it seems that you got the impression that I was trying to put the blame on the oppressed for being oppressed. That was not my intention, sorry.

[@Snoodle829]

I mean, on certain topics, cishet peoples opinions literally do not matter. In the same way a white person's opinion and stance on racism doesn't matter.

[@Muf315]

@@Lisa_Flowers And if a straight person isn't engaging in the behavior that is being criticized or clearly isn't the kind of straight person I have an issue with, then I can't imagine why they would be upset. If it's about jokes, when you want to tell a funny anecdote about straight people in the team (like blondes, policemen, American+Russian+British, animals, politicians, etc.) it's okay, because everyone in advance knows that they should not take that personally, and that it's not meant harmful way either. But if you say bad things about heterosexual people, with the aim of humiliating them, ridiculing them, or with the aim of having fun at their expense. Then your behavior is unacceptable. Even words can be very hurtful for people, who are forced to hear them. Then it's not jokes, but heterophobic bad behavior and no 'punching down' will stand. Just because someone treated you badly doesn't mean you're going to oppress of others.