Intimidation & Coercive Control: How & Why It Holds You Hostage

[@RosieTime_]

This behavior describes my family situation in the 70s. Because I was a girl, the youngest, and trapped with verbal monsters who chipped away at me with this behavior. I thought I wouldn't get anywhere if I were to fight them to get them to see my point. My logic told me that if I couldn't save my family, I would help save the world a little bit in a positive way. I want to stop feeling invisible. I went with no contact and left to save my sanity from my parents and brothers. My life is pleasant now, but the weight of that abuse still feels like I'm trapped underneath the dumpster of lost hopes, and it reeks of fermented garbage. Thank you for being here helping us, it's so needed. I told my parents twice as a child first at age 8, then at age 10, that they were seriously hurting my feelings, and I was laughed at. That's on them. Not me. So I thought, "That's it. they don't deserve me."

[@wolfthedrako6058]

Can we get more likes for her videos please? This women is amazing!

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

Thank you.

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

Thank you. I appreciate your encouragement.

[@joanieks3945]

It happened to me this week. Let’s move to the coast! For a few seconds I thought maybe, but then I came to my senses! Complete isolation, no work, no friends. No thanks!!! X

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

Exactly!! Good for you. You caught the implications and possibilities and shut it down. Wise!

[@christinabaatz1204]

Dear Rhoberta Shaler , YOU just described MY MOTHER who does NOT want my well being and Happyness.

[@percubit10]

I have felt this most of my life. People who exert control.

[@alimccreery755]

What your saying is exactly how I’m treated by my roommate. I’m a 66 year old woman and I’m trying to move forward with getting out of his house.

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

I hope you can get away soon.

[@alimccreery755]

I’m working on it but it takes money and I’m living on my SS. I just recently had some issues happening to my vehicle which I made the decision to use a good amount of money to fix. I understand that vehicles that are older require some fixing at some point as I don’t want to go down that road of “I wonder” and paranoia, I don’t doubt that that’s the road that has been intended for me so I’m keeping my head straight and aware 👍I will get away from this person one way or another. I have made my brother be aware so that he can’t use him as flying monkey. I’m 67 now and what kind of person thinks they can get away with abusing a older person except a evil monster.

[@tam3362]

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this kind of roommate. I had one such roommate who was also a coworker. Housing was supplied through the employer and there were no ways around that or alternatives. I’m middle-aged but and my roommate was 24. I found her behavior to be impulsive and very disturbing in a sadistic and covertly domineering sort of way. It was like in-home harassment of the gaslight variety. If I communicated to her that I was uncomfortable with something she was doing (Eg. She admitted that she would deliberately attempt to use the kitchen sink while I was using it for no other reason than to “show that this is HER house too” and she “can do whatever she wants” - it was incredibly bizarre and unsettling) and why it made me uncomfortable, she would act irritated but pretend she understand and would agree to stop. Then she would engage in the behavior even more and in more disturbing ways. To continue with the same example above, she came out of her bedroom one day and stood directly behind me for a minute while I was washing dishes at the sink (corner sink) and not say anything. Then she reached around me from behind, still without saying anything and places a clean butcher’s knife (she had clearly been holding while standing a couple feet behind me) and placed it in the other side of the sink - again, in complete silence (no, “excuse me” or anything). It felt menacing and sadistic - deeply disturbing. Why she came out of her bedroom at that particular moment, with a clean butcher’s knife, why she stood behind me without saying anything and then have to put that knife in the sink at that particular moment was unexplainable other than her likely being a sociopath. I could go on with so many more examples, but that knife incident literally cut right through the fog and doubt that her underhanded methods of harassment had on me. It was clear as day everything she had been doing was deliberate, intentional and sadistic. I’ve never experienced anything like that with other roommates and it was so destructive to my health. I began wondering if each time my water tasted off (which I believed was due to problems with the filter) was actually the result of something she was doing to it. I realize you really never know with these kind of people and they will give you legitimate reasons to be hyper vigilant (and feel paranoid). I pray you’re able to get out of that situation very soon and into a housing situation in which you are safe, confortable and at peace 🙏

[@alimccreery755]

@@tam3362 thank you for sharing what you experienced. The roommate I have was a coworker and I was talked into moving into his house. He has done other things to me like telling me that I have to give him the address to where I’m working and when I asked him why he said that I was going to get kidnapped on the way to the bus. I could go on and on about the weird stuff he has said and done to me. I was intimately involved with a guy half my age and even he was doing and saying strange things to me. I just recently went total no contact with blocking me. I have reason to believe that Abuse by Proxy is being used on me to prevent me from keeping a job so I’m on SS and a small pension. I have a small dog and a cat and I’m managing my finances. Since I’ve been educating myself on narcissism I have needed to take a good look at my own background to get a better understanding of who I am and why I’m doing the things I’m doing with also why I’m allowing toxic people in my life. I’ve gone through 4 failed marriages and didn’t date anyone for 16 years until almost 4 years ago. I strayed off my path but I’ve gained so much more insight as a result. I’m 67 going on 68. I would like to keep in touch with you if it’s alright with you. Right now I’m mostly communicating with others going through what I am. I’m keeping the faith that I will get out, I have to. Hugs 🤗 and love ❤️ coming your way 😊

[@joancrawford1146]

Threats, surveillance and intimidation are the exact way to explain the last 7 years of my life!

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

That sounds exhausting! Are you able to put that relationship in your rear view mirror?

[@robbrewer2036]

Get out leave no other way, sickest never improve.

[@bbbybby7703]

My life since Covid19.

[@carolinemullan2781]

It's so confusing and slow. Like the frog in the pot and the temperature slowly going up and you never notice when you begin to boul...

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

Yes, sadly, it's just like that. You believe in the relationship, and you go the extra mile to compromise and accommodate. Before long, you've gone hundreds of miles, are exhausted, and wonder what happened, right?

[@carolinemullan2781]

I’m listening to this again because understanding what happened allows me feel that I can stop it from happening again. I feel safer when I can understand. So thank you so much. ❤

[@carolinemullan2781]

And I’ve been free 6 years now and counting ❤

[@jp3241-dpgh]

Mine threatened to kill me three times and the police did nothing. They said just fill out a complaint with violating the order of protection. Then the states attorney's did nothing.

[@biancarosaline9462]

I'm a survivor of this abuse and of major severe strangulation. ..

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

Oh, that's awful! I hope you are well away from the abuse and have found peace, and healing.

[@Standownevil]

Bring charges against the state of chaos! They are complicit! Period

[@judithunaegbu3776]

You voice alone sounds so kind❤❤❤

[@meloneymoore8856]

I have been trying to get my Coercive Control abusers indicted and arrested. For me it is a group of individuals doing this to me. Law enforcement refuses to arrest my abusers and perpetrators who have secretly taken over my life and have put out hits to have me assassinated.

[@bbbybby7703]

SAME 😢

[@rashellewilcox2633]

This is my situation.

[@kcrawford521]

I didn't know it was so simple to feel (somewhat) free.. I may feel trapped in this financially, but I realized I didn't have to play in to the relationship aspect.. I haven't allowed so much as a kiss or touch.. saying "no" isn't something that comes natural to me, but by consciously resisting to do anything I'd do just to keep the peace (which actually never even worked!).. He goes crazy and I record it.. I refuse to let his intimidation tactics effect me now that I understand what's going on... I can be planning to wash the dishes or get ready to take the trash out and if he comes along and tells me to do it, (as he always does when he knows I'm already going to) I decide to not do it.. wow, this is a powerful practice that has literally freed me..

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

Good to hear! You're on a good path.

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

Good insights.... Good for you!

[@bookbeing]

I had a casual friend/neighbor, who went out of his way to hijack my life after i tried to help him, given the hard luck story he gave me. What's mistake! Soon I realized I should have stayed clear of this person. The entitlements, showing up everywhere I went, making scenes, telling me I owed him, he wanted control over everything. He seemed to feel he should be in charge of my schedule, who I associated with, when and where I went. It got so bad, I stopped going out of my house to avoid dealing with his acting out and the drama. He would ignore me until someone parked near my place or my car moved. Otherwise it could be weeks before id hear anything from him. He'd always show up right before I was leaving. I originally had regular activities and meetings I went to on certain week days and he went out of his way to show up or have some crisis right at those times I had plans. What a hassle!

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

That's outrageous behavior, for sure. Did you move?

[@Theowlhawk]

Same happened to me, its a shock!

[@lucycurrell6782]

My abuser has just had me detained in hospital he’s manipulated the full system

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

Lucy, that's sad, nasty, and possibly terrifying. They do manipulate the system, for sure. Are you on a 72 hour hold, or....?

[@maddyho6402]

sounds familiar this has happened to me!

[@juliejen2605]

Only God knows us better than we know ourselves, but God has our best interest at heart.

[@awomen1072]

Mine used my food allergies to inflict pain,still doing it now even though we're seperating and he knows im being watched in case i dont show up today to meetings.surround yrself with agencies that are respected by courts.😮.keep yr cool.

[@alimccreery755]

This person has used my dog as a means of trying to control me. Isn’t that underhanded? I would prefer the silent treatment myself because that’s what I do to not give this person supply.

[@angelamarsters9169]

My son and daughter in law try this with my grandchildren I wont take the bait

[@awakeningEmpath]

big hustle thanks

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad(the narcissist) and controller punishes me for saying no to him; having valid complaints, then he condescendingly says "you're misinterpreting what I said; Jackie" when I stand up to him; Too bad for him! I haven't done anything to warrant his attitude and behavior; his lectures with that controlling tones("Dont' even think about standing up to me). Tough luck for him.

[@cmmndrblu]

Hey, my Dad does exactly the same thing. It's difficult for him to deal with me because he can't hook me in.

[@faikaabdulmajid1147]

OMG The silent treatment is my favourite 😏 until the next Rage because I didn't care 😔

[@KL-zg7lu]

People who stalk, harass and abuse often end up missing.

[@giraffewhisperer1]

For women in the southern US be very careful going to the police. It didn't work out for me.

[@d.m.schwarzer3729]

It didn t work for me in Norway eigther, until 9 years later the police man was my kids sokker coach who ended up in an argument with my kids father - which was very beneficial for me after all... Because finally he got a taste of what I been through for years - and he even suggested I might want to leave the country - the police in town will not react if the father was trying to get after me ...

[@triawillow1972]

Totally agree, especially if your in the south and in a LGBTQIA marriage 😢💔

[@tmking7483]

This is even in Canada _ Stepford wife programming_ it's a epidemic _ most people insane now after COVID _ alcoholic pot smoking CEO's of hospitals and surgeons smoking pot before surgery _ let's have a collective throw up

[@bbbybby7703]

SAME...

[@marihunt4314]

My fiancé wants us to move to the country. In another state mind you. I could relate when you were talking about that. I told him that I’m not a “country girl.” I’m a “city girl.” Red Flag!

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

Good for you! Yes, a red flag that you saw! Are you reconsidering the relationship?

[@marihunt4314]

@@ForRelationshipHelp I’m going to end the relationship. He is very emotionally abusive in a very Covert way. It’s slowly eroding my self-confidence and he’s sucking my soul dry. I don’t know who I am anymore. Sometimes I think about committing suicide.

[@Avolat543]

@@marihunt4314 I hope you do find the strength to walk away and that you find the true happiness you deserve. Stay strong 💪

[@marihunt4314]

@@Avolat543 I walked away two weeks ago. I couldn’t take the constant mind games, the lies, the gaslighting, the invalidation, the manipulation, the control, etc, etc, etc, anymore. He is a monster!

[@Avolat543]

@@marihunt4314 you did the right thing, you deserve better. X

[@juliejen2605]

This and many other reasons is why, these people have nothing and no one wants to deal with them. They need to stop and "think" tomorrow always comes. And they day will come when they need you.

[@MeowMeow-yw5xt]

Dear Dr Rhoberta, thank you for acknowledging that withholding is form of abuse. For many years I was wondering why we can't sleep in the same bed or why he is cold, unaffectionate, no kissing, not even during sex. I was wondering what's wrong with me. On the other hand he mentioned many times "when he is in love with a girl he naturally give her all those things".That hurt as hell and I felt humiliated and degraded. However the fact that" he's not in love" didn't stop him of making a baby with me, spending every day with me, interducing me to all of his friends and parents and of course asking for not so little favours like taking care of his family almost every day. Always future faking, you could never tell what's on his mind, always had to guess and never ever got sraight answer. I was afraid to even ask what's up since I knew he's going to leave me if I ask too many questions about certain topics that he doesn't like, for example our future... I left this relationship 3 times completely broken and I'm not making the same mistake again. My dream of having a baby with him never came through, maybe it's for the better.

[@DaRyteJuan]

I got SA’d by my female doctor right in front of her female medical assistant. She was married with four small boys. I was almost unable to pull out from under her spell. Something inside me almost _wanted_ to become enslaved by her. I don’t even know where it could have led to if I hadn’t extracted myself from her “care.”

[@trudybarton151]

What is SA'd ?

[@jesabeltwin5051]

Sexually assaulted? /who would know except the writer.@@trudybarton151

[@princesskileyrae]

Great material - hope more people see it. (If you like this content, likes & comments really help boost her in the algorithms.)

[@shelleyd9910]

The threat in my case is that he will leave. My children’s happiness in living here is what I am weighing up.

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

It's always a big decision, Shelley, with so many variables. Two big questions I ask my clients to consider are: "What are your children learning about themselves, the world, and relationships when you stay? Is this how you want them to believe the world is and how they are best conducting their own relationships in later life?" They are seeing this as their primary model, AND it is the cradle of their self-esteem. Good to think about...among so many others.

[@shelleyd9910]

Thank you for answering me. It is difficult. Loved ones on both sides of this. The children are finally happy in friendships, in a private school, excelling, not being bullied at school, enjoying their farm life and close neighbourhood and he is slowly getting help since I had intervention so separation in the same house is working for now. And I am teaching my children (now teens) everything I am learning about being true to the CORE of yourself. I so appreciate everything I am learning and I would not recommend my course of action to everyone.

[@alimccreery755]

I’ve already experienced the flying monkeys a mile away, instead of feeling intimidated it makes me laugh indeed and shake my head.

[@taraarrington2285]

Yes. It's pretty hilarious especially street theatre.

[@heatherdawnpoetry4047]

What is going on that an adult daughter( not working) who lives with their mother.(now retired)...just the two together...where the mother is getting controlled, manipulated, put down often, shamed? Ex. Food controlled, only certain food is allowed. Shamed and put downs, punishments and threats carried out. Throwing away a favorite thing, or favorite food, or a private book of personal written poetry, etc as consequence punishment. Forced water fasting days at times. Expecting to be pampered,$... being called bad names. Etc. What kind of abuse is this?

[@valeta84]

Mine moved me out to the middle of Oregon and wont let me take our son to meet my grandma in Arizona.

[@B.91.10]

Classic what happened during the pLandrmic.

[@Grelotmystiqueetal]

Thank you so much. Bravo for escaping, thriving and helping so many women.🫶

[@adelinethomas8625]

Hi Dr. Roberta, What if he is an officer of the law making threats?

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

Hi, Adeline, Yes, this is a big problem. Do you live in small town or a larger center?

[@alimccreery755]

I’m not in any way legally attached to the person who is abusing me. He is keeping notes but since we have no legal attachment how can he use his documents against me ?

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

He may think his documentation will matter. Unless he's suing you for something, or you have children and assets in common, he's likely misguided. He may also think/hope that his note-taking is threatening to you.

[@alimccreery755]

Probably and I think that is still considered coercive control. I just came back from a walk and how I know that my phone is being monitored is a table next to my chair was moved for no reason then to get a reaction from me. Thank you for responding. There is no legal attachment, I am not his girlfriend, wife or anything else except what he has concocted in his own head. I really am grateful that you are communicating with me, I need someone in my corner. I have reason to believe that he had to get out of his marriage as I don’t doubt that the woman was being pushed to a point of suicidal and I also believe her family has been protecting her all this time from the weird crap I have heard him say when he was raging. I didn’t know I was in real trouble until I moved in. I’m 66 years old and I have no where to go with two cats and a small dog. My only brother was used as his flying monkey and I have elected to sever ties so that he can’t be used again. It’s ok we were not that super close anyway.

[@alimccreery755]

@@ForRelationshipHelp I hope you will communicate with me, I sent two more messages and I haven’t heard back from you.

[@alimccreery755]

I’m sorry I didn’t see your message until now. I have totally stopped talking or acknowledging my abuser and I don’t intend to change my actions regardless. I’m more in reality in my present state of mind than I have in the past. I have a clear understanding of what’s going on. The only thing that preventing me from getting away is money. I have a small dog and one cat that I have. Two of my cats, including my favorite, passed away last year and I refuse to let the abusers see me greave as I know they would enjoy that. I do it in private. There is so much more that I could tell you but I need to let you know that my phone has been hacked into by Thing Ones flying monkeys, I know it and I’m not paranoid about it. His actions have given it away. I need to keep in contact with you and also the others that are going through this as we need to stand together and be supportive. I’m not going to forget about my own situation but I can be supportive to others. I believe it’s very necessary. 👍❤️🥰

[@Rhonda858]

My 27 year old son is going through this right now with his baby's mother that is a Narcissistic psychopath that is trying to force him to stop having a relationship with his own family ( she had to move back to Florida where she is from originally because she lied to the police about my son hitting her and she sent my son to jail right after she had the baby and she didn't have anyone to stay with or anywhere to stay) So now that my son is out of jail she is trying to force him to get back with her and trying to force him to quit his job and move to Florida with her cuz she is threatening to tell his boss that my son has a drug addiction -which is true he has a addiction but it isn't help him at all with all the drama she is causing him- even though he doesn't want to move to Florida nor does he want to go back with her... because he has absolutely noone there in Florida except for her and his 6 month old son. HE CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW SHE WOULD TREAT HIM IF HE MOVES OVER THERE WITH HER HE WILL BE TOTALLY ISOLATED and she will try to control every aspect of his life. She has done everything in her power to make our lives a living hell here in Houston ever since her and my son broke up, she has made false reports with the police about me and my adult daughter and called in false allegations about me and said some horrible things about me in the attempt to make me loose custody of my 13 yr old daughter. She also called cps on my adult daughter ( who has a 4 yr old daughter.) We even have proof it was her that called she texted my son several times telling him that if he didn't send her a certain amount of $, or if he didn't get back with her she would make our lives a living hell so i as his mother will get tired of all the drama and eventually kick him out of my home so he will have no choice but to move to Florida with her. Now she is threatening to lie to my sons employer so he will loose his job, he feels like he HAS to be nice to her to keep her calm and to prevent her from going off the deep end everyday. He feels like he does not have a choice to live his life without her.. because he is afraid of what she will do. She is such a convincing liar he is afraid of being accused with another crime and going back to jail cuz she stole the title to his brand new car before she left to Florida and he had barely bought the vehicle and hadn't changed the title into his name yet. So now she is threatening him with calling the police and reporting that my son stole HER car from her when it is HIS car he bought it with his last income tax check....but since she stole the physical title of the car and it isn't in either of their names but she is trying to make my son believe that she put the title to his car under her name behind his back just to have some thing to intimidate and threaten him with. So my question is we live in Texas and my sons ex harjackle lives in Florida what can we do to get her to STOP ALREADY....I'm afraid she will end up causing my son to kill himself he Already suffers from an addiction, and and the more she tries to control every aspect of his life by her intimidation tactics and the lies she has told the police and cps investigators and ect, It makes him feel out of control of his own life and I've noticed him falling more and more into his addiction. I know his addiction is his own issue but i know she isnt helping him at all. Because i had him convinced to go for treatment before he went to jail. But now he says that him doing drugs is the only thing that makes him calm enough not to drive all the way to Florida and try to kill her

[@Rhonda858]

I know that is a excuse he is using but tbh I think the reason he changed his mind about him going to treatment is because its basically the only thing he has control of in his life and im afraid that one day he will kill himself from a over dose. What can I do as his mother to get her to stop with all the harassment and lying on us with cps and the police

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

Such a sad situation, and unfortunately, not too uncommon! I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. As you have so many incidents involving agencies, and your son has text messages that are incriminating, have you considered going to the police and filing for an order of protection for your son from her? I know that won't help with the child, however, it could offer some peace.

[@taraarrington2285]

These people are just like predators obviously being on the opposite end of the spectrum I would never really had to understand how these people thought until recently

[@ZonyWest]

Ive gotten my number changed so he can no longer track me.

[@tiablasangoriti8347]

Thank you for sharing your wisdom Dr Shaler. I liked hearing that you were a High School Principal. ☺

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

You're so welcome! And, yes, there were certainly those experiences in my life.

[@tiablasangoriti8347]

@@ForRelationshipHelp ☺

[@bekafarris4986]

He has almost all of those besides caring about where I am. He acts like he could care less and doesn't try to contact me if I have other activities... so im not sure , I guess he just knows I'm not ever going to do or go anywhere that I shouldn't. Makes me feel that he doesn't care about anything about me. Don't get me wrong I won't put up with and don't want someone telling me when to come home or timing me! Would just be nice to check in and see what's up, how I'm doing or miss me. So is that another part of hijackels? Either to controlling or act like they don't care unless they need or want something?

[@robinfoster9287]

I've attempted suicide drinking household chemicals and eating entire bottles of sleeping pills and going to sleep with multiple carbon monoxide lamps lit

[@cathydemuth8241]

What to do when this person is your adult child. Help!?!

[@nancymorgan3006]

I just watched the video it's so eye opening, I seen your comment I'm in the same nightmare, I live with my adult son who is a covert Hyjackel (narcissist) and it's a living nightmare I can't just leave, I'm financially stuck and I'm just worn out exhausted and mentally and physically sick all the time, I just got a therapist I'm hoping it will help but I have to be careful with what I tell them because I have fears with what my out come will mean if I expose my son and tell just how abusive he is, so I'm crying out help too.

[@lucycurrell6782]

Help me

[@AdrienneJung.M]

Are you ok

[@tom-vx1lp]

what do you do when the police are supporting the female abuser and i'm a man

[@robinfoster9287]

I have upside-down crosses up all over my body and house from them

[@kimlec3592]

My father...the abuser.

[@tombigger53]

HIJACKALS. I LIKE THAT TAG