Is Working in Tech Hurting Your Romantic Partner?

You already know working in tech while staying in a romantic relationship is hard if you spend a lot of time on the computer. But there are other even more dangerous aspects of a tech job that can risk losing your romantic partner if you aren't careful.
In this episode, I share lessons I've learned while married for 25 years to the same woman - and working in tech at the same time. It wasn't easy and I almost lost her a few times. But eventually I learned how to both be a successful programmer - and stay married. I hope this episode helps you avoid divorce or breakup if you're trying to balance a healthy relationship with a romantic partner with progression in your tech career.
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CHAPTER MARKERS
0:00 Introduction
2:15 1. 5 Ways Tech Sabotages Relationships
2:45 1.1 Long and Unpredictable Work Hours
6:14 1.2 Communication Breakdown
7:58 1.3 Financial Stress and Lifestyle Inflation
11:01 1.4 Lack of Shared Interests & Experiences
14:55 2. 3 Ways to Keep a Relationship Healthy Working in Tech
14:13 2.1 Schedule & Prioritize Quality Time
17:56 2.2 Open Communication of Stress & Expectations
22:35 2.3 Establish Boundaries With Work and Home Life
#programmer #relationships #careeradvice

[@HealthyDev]

Are you trying to keep a romantic relationship AND a tech career going? How’s it working out? What are you doing to keep things healthy?

[@BittermanAndy]

Keeping a relationship going presupposes getting one in the first place... 😞

[@genericdeveloper3966]

When I have the time to look for a girl, something will get in the way and I won't have the energy. When I have the energy, I won't have the time. I just had a break from one of my contracts, and it just so happened I developed a stomach bug for exactly that amount of time I had off (2 weeks)! Some people just can't win, lol, but I keep trying anyway.

[@HealthyDev]

@@BittermanAndyfor sure. This video is meant to help people already in relationships, or get people thinking about getting into one, to consider what it takes to keep it!

[@BittermanAndy]

​@@HealthyDev understood - just venting. 🙂

[@StevenBoutcher]

I definitely struggle with not talking about work. At my last job, I made sure I started by addressing the work/life separation problem I developed at the startup where I had my first tech job. While I definitely don't work before 9 or past 5 anymore, I still talk way too much about tech, and my wife is non-technical. It's a strain, and I don't blame her. It'd be like if someone always talked to me about astrophysics in Greek and expected me to understand.

[@SufianBabri]

There are some important gems and reminders. I will watch it again and note down points in my Ideaverse, potentially sharing it with my stay-at-home wife. I never felt 100% comfortable with the corporate grind. I worked hard as I generally love to regardless of what it is, but it never made sense when I started to see the bigger picture (harming my health for the employer, not doing what made me or my loved ones happy, having money but always feeling drained). There's more to life than just having luxury. It's called: peace, human connection, joy and excitement. Thank you for sharing these important lessons which I can relate to (to some degree) and something which nobody talks about.

[@Coufu]

Depends where you are in your career. When I was younger, I would work 60+ hour weeks trying to prove myself. I did move up a lot in my career, but my personal relationships suffered. I can’t imagine doing that while being married. Now that I’m older and wiser, my job is just my job and my focus is my marriage and my life. Kudos to you and your wife to making it through.

[@Phantom-pu1xn]

I am 20 years old. and the same thing is happening to me, I am working very hard in a company to prove to myself. But, deep inside I have a realization that I can't do this my whole life. Because now I m living with my parents, everything else is taken care of . And I've no responsibility except for coding in my room.

[@coherentpanda7115]

@@Phantom-pu1xn Once you get that first major disappointment, like being passed up for a big promotion by an outside hire you thought you had in the bag, or being laid off a month before Christmas is when you really start to have perspective that you have to stop giving 150% to your company, and give them only a solid 35-40 hours of your time instead.

[@ShadowSkotone]

​@@coherentpanda7115 I am basically @Phantom-pu1xn at 26 years old. Got disappointed that i've hit the ceiling doing my best from the salary perspective and i am thinking between switching boats in order to keep the grind or just chill out in the company that i've been working for 4 years, full WFH, and try to improve my skills in my free time just so that i won't get rusty and prepare for what comes next in my life, like a house mortgage and then a child.

[@rejectionistmanifesto8836]

​@@Phantom-pu1xnDonr waste time on romantic relationships as for people younger than 60 years age most end up breaking up and losing everything in divorce and destroying the children's life

[@m.moonsie]

@@rejectionistmanifesto8836 most people don't have miserable life like you have.

[@adaptivedeveloper]

Closing comms out of hours is a must. With going out it's difficult when kids are small. But very spot on episode.

[@monterreymxisfun3627]

It doesn't have to. My wife alerted me when to push back on an employer. She wanted me to quit on the spot. We discussed it and compromised on me starting the process to sue my employer. The company and I and agreed on a good cash exit settlement. It was good collaboration all around. My wife, I and the company came to an agreeable situation.

[@ld1601]

Great advice, the impact of working in tech on our interpersonal relationships is something that almost no one talks about. Thanks Jayme as always for being so vulnerable and helping us become healthier software developers in all aspects of life. It’s good to see someone bringing the change.

[@HealthyDev]

You're very welcome.

[@merefield2585]

What an excellent subject for a video. Some very good anecdotes, great coverage of the major risks & issues and very practical advice. Appreciated this, thank you!

[@HealthyDev]

Glad you found some value in it. 👍

[@cjsport1254]

Right now I am an aspiring developer. I spend a lot of time on the computer building as I’m learning. but I’m in a relationship with someone that is retired so I have to go out of my way to make quality time and pace myself in my learning journey. I decided to put off the job search until I built a significant amount of Relevant projects. I supplement income in the meantime.

[@eotikurac]

marriage is a duty and a very difficult job, not a joyride on the railroad of happiness.

[@ChristinaAaliyah]

Hey Jayme, this was an incredibly helpful video, I'm not a programmer but I graduate as a doctor in the next few months and the hours/workload of our careers overlap a lot. I gained so much insight on how to maintain a healthy relationship watching this, so helpful thank you!

[@eotikurac]

what is a relationship? is this about databases?

[@errrzarrr]

It's a 1-to-1 tightly-coupled relationships

[@HealthyDev]

@@errrzarrryou can even spawn subclasses if things go well.

[@SufianBabri]

@@HealthyDev and there's a lot of cleanup to do once subclasses come into the picture. So it's not fun as people tend to think. 😄

[@HealthyDev]

The only way I got through that is remembering the mess I left as a subclass ;)

[@Bizmonger]

I needed this. Thank you

[@HealthyDev]

Great talking with you the other day Scott. Hang in there man.

[@carlosirias4474]

Very interesting video. Thanks for your advices.

[@jamsky1558]

Thank you. I really appreciate this video.

[@JunYamog]

I guess I am a minority, count myself lucky. Even back 3 decades ago while still dating, would crash into my to be wife place. She would take care of me, after long overtime. Definitely need purposely put time and effort in a relationship . I also try to make some of my hobbies common, my wife and kids enjoy photography. When I was into RCs and drones I kept my kids involved. I now also try to cook, me taking interest in her hobbies. Also even if my wife is not into tech I explain and show her what I do or learn. One of my best gauge I understand a tech topic if I can explain to my wife or when my kids are younger. Definitely not all w/o challenges also maybe I have passed Silicon Valley opportunities.

[@HealthyDev]

Sounds healthy to me! Nice job adapting.

[@timi_t_codes]

As a young guy, this is feels like a light in a dark online void.

[@vulpixelful]

Gender roles matter a lot. I'm a feminine woman, so I need a SO who doesn't expect me to shoulder most of the home decisions. We need to share. Being a software engineer, I just can't spare the bandwidth. In return, I actively keep my work hours to a 40 hour maximum to keep the connection going. And I take my PTO, both to rest and to take vacations (and stay-cations!) together. I found him and it's going great 🥰 It's for this reason that I don't want to go much past senior engineer. I don't think any individual was meant to take on what staff engineers do in most companies. If it's more of that, I want no part in it, I'd rather keep my relationships with people who matter to me and I to them.

[@vivianriver6450]

Stay-cations are important because they give you the chance to take time off of work without trying to make something amazing happen for the whole family. Another thing I've found really helps is to go on solo vacations to somewhere within several hours of driving distance outside of town to get away from domestic responsibilities and also enjoy a change of scenery. There's nothing like a ten mile walk in the woods to clear the mind.

[@sascha1461]

I can't even find a somewhat romantic relationship

[@rocketpsyence]

Can't hurt what you don't have time to find 😂

[@wolfman5740]

Another pro-tip: do not have 3+ kids. I love all my kids and would never want to give them up now, but once you get to 3 your home life becomes more stressful than your job for at least 5 years.

[@genericdeveloper3966]

I'm going for 5 and I apologize for nothing :)

[@NormalPerson229]

And let the dysgenic inherit the earth? No. Children are your legacy and matter far more than some software that no one will use in the coming years or decades.

[@sci-fix]

Is your romantic partner hurting your tech career? This is also a valid question to ask yourself 🙂 Healthy relationships shouldn’t complicate your life, or even make you sick or more stressed. Dealing with someone that complains about everything will drain your energy, and will make you feel guilty about everything as well.

[@HealthyDev]

That's certainly a possibility. Not what this episode is about, but yes.

[@darmou]

I live in a house by myself so for me, extra work bring it on lol

[@olgaMe17]

What can you do if you both are developers? My husband being a senior, and me a junior (due to taking 5 years off to raise our small children). It is double so hard. Both of us having our egos. A demanding job with managing a household with no help.

[@HealthyDev]

That sounds incredibly difficult. I wish I had more advice for you but I don't. I can just share my experience. Raising children is very demanding and the first 5 years of a child's life is when they find a sense of belonging and safeness in the world (or not). My wife stayed home. She struggled with it for many years, especially considering how many of her friends and the world in general talked crap about not having kids and a career. I think it's great if people can make that work, we just couldn't. I'm grateful how our children benefitted, but it requires sacrifice to be sure.

[@olgaMe17]

@@HealthyDev Still thank you! It is a bit unusual situation that we have here. We met as I was 18. (He was 23. and finishing his master's in CS). And I told him that I want kids and want to be there for them, but I also want a career in tech, as a software developer, just like him. I find that he did it all in the right order and we got kids (5 and 2 years old as of today) in his mid 30's. But I give birth and stayed home after university. And now what? I don't have any experience. I recently got laid off because my boss told me that I could never (as a women with kids) became a developer. I am still too busy thinking about my kids, taking days off if they are sick and so on. And as a junior I could provide "only" 40 hours a week. They wanted more. My husband wants me still find a new job. Because he knows that I am "bad" only to stay home and "cook" and "take care of the kids". He helps me a lot" really. He is a great dad! Our relationship suffers sometimes, but it is normal. We are almost 15 years together.

[@olgaMe17]

@@HealthyDev Could she find a job when that kids got older? This is my biggest issue. I am not getting younger. And at the age of almost 33, I am pretty "old" for a junior developer. I really being told so in interviews

[@HealthyDev]

@@olgaMe17 she's not looking for a job yet. The kids are all adults but one. She helps me some with my business and also has a podcast about her childhood trauma. So I think she's going the route of probably starting her own business. The corporate thing isn't fair to people as they age usually, work history or not.

[@olgaMe17]

@@HealthyDev I am happy for her :) If I could only be a "stayed at home mother" I would. I just cannot. It is too boring and just not for me. I am trying but to get more organised and this video helped me to think about my marriage. We will try those date nights and to talk more.

[@sanatateparpespate6985]

You did raise some valid points, for example the part about admitting to your vulnerabilities and not being available for work at any minute of the day, but I feel like some of the other steps mentioned would kind of make the relationship a bit.. forced? I am talking about 23:52 onward. As a programmer you are generally expected to keep up with the industry in your free time as well (by this I mean learn new technologies for your own sake, not for your company's sake) so the line between "work" and "free time" becomes blurred in this field for an outsider's eye. Whether you like it or not it is part of what makes you, you. Who really wants their relationship dynamic to be like "okay, between 18:00 and 19:00 we talk about my work, and then ughh I have to actually go and make a restaurant reservation and I have to be careful about what I talk about", when you can find someone who accepts you for who you are, like "oh, there goes Bob again, rambling about Rust, he's so adorable

[@vulpixelful]

When you care about the relationship, it won't feel forced, you'll welcome it. Life is about more than work. These companies don't care if you live or die, so don't live or die for work. Same with tech in general.

[@afrivox]

I think you are not naive. The western view of marriage is tainted by Disney. So if you are a married man, you are a 'partner' to your wife, you have to be an entertainer and keep her entertained, you also have to have to the same interest and spend time playing the same game or talking about Tolstoy and Sartre and quantum physics. 😂. It is a distorted view of relationships. Marriage is a big commitment and requires some sort of sacrifice on both sides. At times the man has to work long hours, heck at times they have to go far away to get the bacon, like fishing in Alaska or contracting in war torn Somalia or deployed in Afghanistan. Etc. That's why relationships do not last any longer, too many expectations and an idealistic view.

[@HealthyDev]

If you are in a brand new relationship the novelty and cuteness is probably enough to keep you together. When life gets hard and things get real, unfortunately in my experience yes you do need to schedule things to keep the relationship healthy. I hate doing it too (I wish we could have more spontaneity) but it's just a requirement of keeping things healthy once that early part of the relationship is over.

[@ahmedghost4010]

You would not have time to find a partner. 😢

[@devman1238]

Yah so I think a big part of it was that she didnt work and you worked a crazy amount. I see the same thing with my girlfriend's parents. He is working OT everyday to retire earlier for them, and she is staying at home. It sometimes causes rifts. Especially when he comes home and the house isnt pristine or she didnt do much and then he has to do domestic stuff in addition to work. Wheras my girlfriend is in Veterinary Medicine and works crazy. I work crazy in tech. I think we sort of both mutually accept our lifestyles and couldn't be happier.

[@HealthyDev]

She worked just as hard as I did. Taking care of a big house with 4 bedrooms and raising 3 kids, making healthy meals for them, and giving them time when their father is too consumed with work is a hard job. We have struggled with finding peace in our roles being different (we fought about it a lot earlier on) but we've both come to terms more with it and try to cheer each other on and appreciate each other more than keeping tabs on who's working harder. YMMV.

[@SufianBabri]

@@HealthyDev unfortunately the role of a traditional wife (or stay-at-home mom) appears to have become unknown, particularly in the first world countries. My mom and my wife are both stay-at-home moms and I know that a traditional wife's energies and patience get tested a lot, usually surpassing a normal 9-5 work day. Very true. Appreciating and understanding each other's situations goes a long way.

[@cherubin7th]

In the end relationships fall apart anyway in most cases and the few that don't turn to zombies and the very few that don't think this is normal if you do this or that, but they had just random luck actually.

[@afrivox]

You are right. And this Disney view of marriage where the 'partners' not even spouses even for this "christian" youtuber, are expected to be together, cuddle, watch Netflix, play same games etc. Part of why relationships do not last any longer cause all of them fall short of these inflated expectations

[@cocorita]

Date another developer. Problem solved :D

[@sanatateparpespate6985]

Yeah, I was subtly suggesting that in my own comment but no one seemed to get my point :)) doesn't even need to be a programmer, just someone interested enough in the field who won't mind you talking about... yourself. Like sometimes couples are juuust not compatible.

[@inescastro2780]

That would end up in the couple just talking about tech, sharing every little annoyance at work with each other and even compete within themselves. I don't think that's very healthy.

[@JoshuaWise1994]

Sounds like problem x 2! 😅

[@jvicjvic]

Quick feedback, I think these AI thumbnails are really uncool, don't look great

[@_vofy]

Yea just lie. Tell her you pick trash for a living or something.