ISTDP - Self-Criticism & Disorganised attachment | Dr Sia

[@fringbabyross4718]

I couldn’t understand for the life of me why the woman I was seeing (with FA disorganized attachment) was so upset and ruminated about the previous guy that she said was abusive and narcissistic. Would tell me I was the nicest guy she met and no one else ever treated her so well. Always told me I would deserve better and she would hurt everyone she cared about. I would have done anything for her and her child and loved her with kindness and patience. Yet she rejected me, got drunk over the abusive guy, then jumped on a dating app. But every time I’d say I’d just go away then is when she’d come back around and say she was terrified of living without me and my son but yet would say she didn’t want a romantic relationship in the future. She sure was available in the beginning and it hooked me. It was beautiful in the beginning. It just sucks

[@kl6902]

I have been in and out of therapy for 30 yrs and never learned about disorganized attachment. I felt I was both avoidant and preoccupied and I’ve always been so confused about what’s going on with me. Disorganized perfectly explains my thinking process and childhood. Sometimes I’m avoidant, sometimes I’m anxious, sometimes I feel nothing...I just feel crazy. I was raised by an extremely abusive narcissistic mother so surprise surprise 🙄 just today my therapist asked me if doing self care helped with burnout. I had no clue what she meant because in my mind, self care is what burns me out! The thought of self care triggers so much anger in me and I’ve been so so confused about why. I thought I was defiant or stubborn or lazy. This video puts so much into perspective for me. I have an intense need to reject anything good in my life and absolutely I am not allowed to care for myself or have any self compassion. That’s a big no.

[@drsia2323]

Thank you for commenting! My apologies for the late reply! I am sorry to hear that you only now see this after so many years of therapy. Maybe talk to your therapist about your discovery if you have not already!

[@stormtrooper_]

​@@drsia2323 That's been me, literally. All the things she explained above. But I never act the way disorganised act in a romantic relationship. I act like an Ambivalent. I'm just so confused.

[@user-uu3wj1ji9c]

Thank you for this post which I find really informative. I’ve done a lot of personal development and it has really helped. I’m now nearly sixty and I realise that I continue to live with disorganised attachment though now I can see it more clearly. It is challenging and at times painful. I used to be on alert all the time. I now can trust myself for the first time and I am most at ease in my own company. Though it can get lonely.. I agree with what you say that when I take healthy action it triggers my self criticism. I have a couple of people I trust and at times when I connect with one of them and open up a bit it feels great at the time but it can trigger a strong bout of self criticism and self hatred. Sometimes it isn’t so strong a reaction. It feels like I am on a wobble board trying to keep my balance so I spend most of my time alone and solitude can be a gift and feel like the best I can do for myself.. Thank you for your posts, I find them really helpful. My best wishes to you

[@drsia2323]

thank you kindly for sharing about your experiences and journey so far! I am grateful for your viewership and look forward to hearing how you come along and emwhatvyou think about my other videos too!

[@HenrikaArcana]

This and the self-punishment videos opened my eyes. I had no idea something like this existed and had no idea why I had constant urge to hurt myself, self-sabotage and why I never felt good about taking care of myself. In my case it actually goes through another loop where I try to make people give me the permission to take care of myself, and if they leave it up to me, I punish myself because obviously I did something wrong to not be worthy of their concern, and I shouldn't have hoped for it either, because I should remember that I don't deserve anything good. I've tried to heal myself by almost like exorcising myself, so like causing myself immense pain on order to get it out of me and not feel anything anymore. I'm in a very healthy relationship, where we both work on ourselves and are really serious about becoming functional human beings who wouldn't have to suffer so much anymore, but every time we are moving towards a new understanding about ourselves, our relationship etc, that's actually a big leap towards healthier life, my body starts hurting physically and I often also hurt myself in order to remember I shouldn't be happy, because all the suffering in my life and in others has been caused by me, so I should be punished, not loved or celebrated or supported. I'm learning to fight against this impulse, but there's still been so much I didn't understand about it that it was hard to let go completely. These videos really help, thank you.

[@paupersluck8868]

The best Psychologist/Doctor/Prof. youtuber on youtube. LOVE IT!

[@drsia2323]

thank you

[@volcomchick4989]

This is so so so true… any time I’m doing something good anytime I’m being vulnerable.. the critic is taunting me…

[@ThePyroLady11]

Absolutely & it's probably the best explanation I've ever heard as to why, I stayed in a 20 year abusive relationship. I still struggle with not letting him back in. I'm in the process of trying to heal from this attachment style.

[@drsia2323]

Very inspiring to hear that you are working on this! Thank you for commenting!

[@micheleparadis2808]

According to the videos I have watched, I seem to have both and an ambivalent and 'milder' disorganised attachment styles . One of the consequences is that I'm poor and can't afford therapy. I already feel some relief in recognising and understanding my patterns

[@Whathuh86]

I think this is why I feel guilty for saying no to people who ask me to do things that are not good for me. I usually give in, give part of what they want, or feel so guilty for "being selfish" I get depressed (anger towards myself).

[@drsia2323]

That makes lots of sense! Thank you for sharing!

[@rex6311]

Im glad i found this channel

[@mudskippa8958]

Yes it's like thinking of caring for myself feels so icky sometimes. I sometimes feel ashamed if im too happy, like it's prideful or something. Ive done great things in ny life and felt severe shame afterwards. I don't get a critical inner voice, just the feelings of ick and embarrasment.

[@sudhirhebbar7363]

thanks for explaining these complex things very well

[@drsia2323]

Thank you for being here.

[@universaltruth2025]

For me I would have most self criticism or self angst maybe when I make attempts to set boundaries (which are good for me). I don’t really have too much self criticism but I do have strong negative emotions of sadness, anger & depression mostly, especially if I don’t feel well and don’t get as much done as I think I should.

[@sultanarazia3907]

So can a person with disorganize attachment style distance themselves from love and deny their need of affection because they think love will always hurt them?

[@drsia2323]

Yes they might!

[@bobakmoezziwexpert1473]

very informative video. nice work!

[@marka.9202]

Indeed

[@drsia2323]

Glad you liked it!

[@marka.9202]

Great work Dr Sia. Thank you 👍☺️

[@drsia2323]

My pleasure 😊

[@marias21]

Thank you ❣️ for sharing your knowledge with us

[@drsia2323]

Thank you for being here!

[@cv5281]

Hey Dr. sia, and thank you for your informative videos! I'm a bit confused when it comes to disorganized attachment and fearful avoidant. Are they the same?

[@drsia2323]

Hi Thank you kindly! The two are not exactly the same as the research basis and teams were different and the observations different and the names therefore differ. Many see them as the same however and many including myself believe that the disorganized label is more accurate and scientifically valid. I hope that helps.

[@cv5281]

@@drsia2323 Thank you for your answer, now I'm a bit wiser :) If you were to recommend one book on attachment, which one would it be?

[@drsia2323]

@@cv5281 the handbook on attachment

[@avonleamontague2469]

Hmm... I don't know if this one fits for me. If I've done that it's subconscious and inaccurate.

[@fringbabyross4718]

So basically if you abuse them and mistreat them then they feel “safe” and if you love them, give space, be patient and kind…they don’t feel safe ? This sure makes a lot of sense now.

[@universaltruth2025]

I am certainly more used to being treated badly (ignored, disrespected) than well.

[@whiterobin01]

Dr. Sia, is Disorganized Attachment only developed in childhood? I have a partner who says he recognizes himself as one, but his childhood does not line up with the common households that create this attachment style.

[@drsia2323]

Yes it is only developed in childhood except for extreme circumstances such as intentional prolonged torture etc. He might not be disorganized. But assuming that he does that have attachment style, people are not the most reliable reporters of childhoods. After all, we only know what we are allowed to know. Consider a patient of mine who thought that never being paid attention to was normal for a child and reported, despite this severe neglect, that he had wonderful parents. He only realized that he experienced neglect when he started paying more attention to self and contrasted that with childhood experiences. For many reasons such as these, therapy is the best place to discover the truth about the now and the past. I hope that helps put things in perspective. Thank you for commenting.

[@brittany292]

@@drsia2323 can this develope when you have one parent that worked night shift and slept all day,(also abandoned your family to have an affair for a while) and never played with you in early childhood and one parent that sometimes played with you but mostly just did what they wanted to do and you were mostly on your own.? And Also being raised in a high control religious group?

[@purplemoonlight17]

This attachment style developes when the child percieves his/her caregiver as scary and not safe. Safety being defined in physical, mental and emotional way. There is no need for major abuse or trauma. If the parent is scary enough, mostly the child will develop the "I am unsafe", "I am abandoned", "I can't trust" ... core wounds.

[@whiterobin01]

@@purplemoonlight17 thank you for that!