My Defiant 9-Year-Old Hates My Boyfriend

My Defiant 9-Year-Old Hates My Boyfriend
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[@lexiegirl1494]

I don't blame the child. Divorce is ugly, messy and very traumatic on kids.

[@yasminogbu8929]

Agreed ❤️

[@shasta1730]

She started out saying she introduced him early on in the relationship as a friend. My Mom did this to me, I knew she was lying and it created a strain in my relationship with him (and her) from the start. Kids are not stupid….you lied and in turn she doesn’t trust you

[@suzettecisneros1543]

Omg this is what happened to me too. I’m like are we all on a date? And my mom would deny it and I’d be so upset because they’d act like a couple. They used me as a third wheel.

[@liveinms9949]

I really dont understand why parents think their kids should be happy they have someone new

[@straight.no.chaser1708]

Selfish

[@rushiasingsfasola]

true...and it's "you don't want me to be happy" when you see red flags that literally anyone not having sex would pick up on.

[@AC-ts4ui]

I get that your kids are the priority; however, the daughter has two parents. If they need to focus on her right now, both of them need to get out of relationships for their child. It can't just always be on the mom. The dad sounds like he is living his best life. Moms carry a massive societal burden as everyone expects us to stop having a life or never putting ourselves first at times. However, divorced men move on, have more kids, and forget their first family in record numbers. I think she is just trying to live her life and trying to solve the problem with her daughter. She is in therapy and is calling a show for help. It is not like she is disregarding her daughter's concerns. I am sure the daughter blames the mom for the divorce. That is why all the anger is focused on her mom, and passive-aggressive comments about her dad's comments come from.

[@leahtv7778]

Right that's an adult thought: "be happy for me abt my new significant other," not a kid thought.

[@michellenash301]

The dad has someone new in his life and the daughter loves her so why shouldn't the mom have soneone in her life??? It sounds like the daughter hasn't given this guy a chance.

[@desylid5915]

The mother sounds emotionally immature and lame and selfish, the boyfriend sounds lame, and I stand in solidarity with the 9 year old for being annoyed and frustrated by all of it

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

How so ?

[@AnOriginalYouTuber]

Possibly. It also could be that one cheated and the other has run out of emotional energy.

[@desylid5915]

@@rebeccaoprea9917 she didn’t name a single compliment abojt the boyfriend. They go to Steak ‘n Shake? It sounds like he is just “there.” And couldn’t even get herself to declare confidently that she is even in a relationship with him until Dr John probed her. She’s blaming her “jealous” ex husband and arguing with a 9 year old who seems to be calling out the bullshit

[@desylid5915]

@Kyle Smith found the caller’s boyfriend! I was right- you are lame lol

[@SarahR2D2]

Same

[@rickardotorres]

I hated my mother’s boyfriend too. My siblings and I saw our vulnerable and no boundaries mother go through another unhealthy relationship. Children have perception from a view of innocence and love.

[@1RamTough]

Not really. Children are as selfish as anyone else. Ever see a child throw a temper tantrum? In this day and age, it’s quite common. Selflessness and charity are taught, selfishness is the default.

[@SarahR2D2]

@@1RamTough This woman is a loser

[@szzk7937]

@@1RamTough They also need you to wipe their ass do you need that too? Innocence and love means the idea that you have one partner. Kids see things that way, the way it's supposed to before things changed.

[@1RamTough]

@@szzk7937 if someone is old enough, then they need someone else to wipe their ass. I don’t understand the premise of the question. And no, children do not see everything through the vision of love. As far as innocence is concerned, to be innocent in the way that I child is, is to be naive to the way that they world works. This is why a child is not held to the same accountability as an adult. The parents love their child and imprint that love onto their child. The child ‘loves’ the parent out of necessity. However, with time the child grows to actually love the parents(usually), because the parents first loved the child and made sure that the child was taken care of. Love is not something magical that people are born with, love is an action. Being ‘in love’ with someone is a misnomer, because love is an action.

[@vickyCA1643]

Dr John, You never consider that the mom might pay more attention to the boyfriend than the daughter when they are together. The child needs to know that thay are first in the mother’s life before an outsider.

[@thegiftofgabby5581]

I think she should double check to make sure the boyfriend hasn’t done anything to make her feel uncomfortable or abuse her. Worth considering, especially with her acting out as she has.

[@captainsisko7629]

This is why Men should stay the the hell away from single mothers, if she ask the girl if her boyfriend molested her, the little girl going to say yes she going to lie !!!!

[@caseyporter499]

It’s more of a case of a mom who has a victim mentality and don’t spank their kids asses. Kids are the bosses. All my relatives are like this and raised their kids like that. 75 percent of them are on drugs or in jail

[@heathercloete7450]

I do agree that the child should see a counsellor to try find out what is behind this. Sometimes guys pick women with girls. I was abused as a child and am very weary of these situation, perhaps overly concerned. It is worth her speaking to a counsellor just to clear the air.

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

@@heathercloete7450 Yes and notice how much resentment the caller has towards her daughter.

[@notrealy180217]

so if she really wants him gone for good, she could just lie and say he was inappropriate.

[@taloulaskitchen]

She came out the gate blaming her daughter.

[@queenofhearts1138]

That’s how she feels. God ppl are so judgmental these days. She called in to be vulnerable and get help. Comments like this are why ppl keep things inside and become scdal. Let people have their thoughts and feelings.

[@castiel4746]

Women = zero accountability

[@CJ-ft9yo]

She is being truthful, but blaming her child? This problem is valid, he’s telling her shes letting her daughter run the show, that’s not her blaming her child. Single women dating gets hated and blamed on by kids, exs, parents, friends.

[@futurefunk88eddins96]

​@@queenofhearts1138tell that to the husband who's family she destroyed just for "fun times" at steak and shake.

[@Riggy931]

@@queenofhearts1138the thing with shows like this is that just cause Deloney is trying to prioritize and empathize with his callers feelings, doesn’t mean anyone in these comments has to. Her feelings may be real but they are still happening due to ugly mistakes that she has made. No one is ever free from judgement in this world, especially not in KZbin comment sections.

[@katemiller7874]

This little girl doesn’t have a disorder. She’s used to being 15 on mom’s list make your child the priority.

[@Raec123]

I was that 9 year old. Deep down I felt like my mom chose her bf over me. She would put him first and treat me & my brothers like afterthoughts. When we did anything together she would only pay attention to him. She went through many boyfriends and always was the same by putting them first. When they’d break up then we’d get a little of her attention. My mother also wasn’t affectionate towards us. Now as an adult she tries to hug me or show affection and I cringe. None of those bfs worked out and now she’s older and alone and always leans on her adult kids to invite her places, etc. but if she gets an invite from a friend or potential bf best believe she still chooses them first.

[@sarahbess1210]

I am so sorry you can relate... This is a “her” problem, not a “you” problem...You are valuable regardless of how her value system works. I hope you can have healthy boundaries and enjoy your life, regardless of her choices. ♥️

[@Raec123]

@@sarahbess1210 thank you for those kind words.

[@crzyruskie86]

Probably what's happening. The mother was probably fickle with her happiness in the original marriage as well and the kids could probably see it. Then she left because "she wasn't happy" and its all about her.

[@jilogarcia5979]

She did.

[@TrulyPurpleslife]

Omg this sounds like my momma, u sure we don’t got the same momma 🥴

[@9liveslisa]

Listen to your child. Your child needs to be your #1 priority. Dump the boyfriend and finish raising your child. She is screaming for attention from you.

[@cutehumor]

the mom has needs too...

[@mirb2093]

Children should always be first yes, but also children don’t know what’s best. You’re assuming she doesn’t get attention from the mom, but the mother said she has no issue with the father’s girlfriend so how are we to know he gives her proper attention and not the mother? Prioritizing your child does NOT mean letting them dictate your life. It’s also important for the child to see the mother can form a meaningful romantic relationship outside of their father while still maintaining a cordial relationship with him.

[@9liveslisa]

@@mirb2093 Well, sometimes parents get it wrong because they are selfish and marrying someone your children don't accept can ruin their lives.

[@abark]

Buy a vibrator. @@cutehumor

[@murdahmammiez]

Truth is that the risk of child being touched goes way up when mom brings in a new man . ​@@cutehumor

[@JustActNormal]

Mom's blaming her own child. Red flag alert

[@K9Kelaroo]

100% agree.

[@NameRedacted-e6k]

Yes. This is the type of person who's daughter says, "Your boyfriend touched me" and the mom calls her a liar and tells her to stfu. That's where this story is headed, honestly.

[@GoKU-xx2vg]

​@@NameRedacted-e6kyes and you as well since you are bringing it up. Hopefully someone is watching you.

[@kendallmarie6655]

why do people act like divorce is not traumatizing for children? Then she thinks her daughter would be happy she has a bf? It seems that the child is reacting in a natural way a child would normally react to the experiences she has been through and the mom is now labeling her with disorders

[@paulkersey7458]

Mom’s living her best life. Daughter recognizes that and rightfully loathes her for it

[@vaska1999]

I loved my mother's boyfriend because I loved my mom: I could see that she was happy and calm with him, and that made ME happy too.

[@ineedhoez]

Why do people act like trash marriages aren't traumatizing for children?

[@philwill0123]

​@@paulkersey7458dads living his best life. He isn't affected by daughter.

[@junehope5152]

Because that’s what the culture tells you

[@NomadicLifer]

I absolutely hated my mom's ex-husband, and I was absolutely right. He is a terrible human being. He abused everyone in the family and luckily he isn't my father and I had my own family. His kids are all messed up because he was an absolute nightmare of a human being. My mom stayed because she didn't want to be a single mom. More women need to listen to their children if they really have a problem with their partner. Now, my siblings are dealing with the trauma he inflicted. Which is why one is on drugs and the other derailed his life by going to prison. It's sad to see.

[@cl5193]

I immediately had a negative response to this woman. She's quick to label her daughter with the trendy diagnoses of the day to excuse her own selfishness.

[@jaimesmom74]

I instantly could not stand her. I got the icky, narcissistic, selfish POS vibes right away.

[@willak79bud90]

Me, me, me. "It's holding me back". Don't push your boyfriend on your children who have a willing and able father. Your kids "conditions" are an obstacle for more than your boyfriend's comfort when he's forced on your kid.

[@bradleymaravalli2851]

At what point was she pushing her boyfriend onto the children? And at what point in the past 18 months would you be upset that your partner can't be apart of your everyday life (e.g. going to the zoo together)?

[@willak79bud90]

@@bradleymaravalli2851 keep significant others away from your kids. Kids of single moms are 40x more likely to be abused and 50x more likely to be killed. The kids have a willing and able father. Fathers know this instinctively. Too bad the call was about her daughter not liking her boyfriend. Modern women have lost the plot and want to do what they want, because "I have the right".

[@elizabetha8565]

Why do so many people just go after women on here I didn't hear any me me me talk maybe you are projecting?

[@willak79bud90]

@@elizabetha8565 improper use of projecting.

[@Evil-Rod-Farva]

@@elizabetha8565 because statistics. They ask for a marriage/family and then thoroughly destroy it at a 75% clip when things get hard or uncomfortable. No fault divorce is the greatest scourge on western society. It removed authority from men, but not responsibility.

[@scutifr]

The way she frames everything is wild

[@wafflepwn5438]

Seeing all of the comments calling the mom out for what she really is gives me hope in humanity.

[@erbjp]

Both she and her ex are lousy, irresponsible and absentee parents. They’re the ones that made the decisions that ultimately led to the failure of their marriage. They need to focus on co-parenting their children. Not involving themselves w/ other people and compounding what they’ve already disrupted for the children. They’re serving their own self-interests and “needs” before the needs of their children.

[@pupasarus]

Yes

[@rebeccaoprea9917]

It’s very common these days .

[@ineedhoez]

As they should. Children don't come first.

[@ineedhoez]

​@rebeccaoprea9917 so the children who were working in the factories had their needs put over the parents?

[@christinahek]

I’m bothered that the mom (and the doc) went immediately to discounting the girl’s feelings about this specific man. Maybe the girl is just oppositional. Maybe she’s right about the boyfriend and something is going on to upset her. That has to at least be considered especially since mom sounds immature.

[@jaimesmom74]

I delicately gave it to him straight lol but I’m always on team Dr. Laura Schlesinger regarding kids and divorce and their parents dating. I’m a product of divorce. I’m a product of not even being any type of priority in their life and it’s really really life ruining and it doesn’t change at least in my case I’m almost 50 years old and from a completely broken home with two parents that probably wish they never even had me, so I’m advocate all the way for the kids and just listening to this evil woman’s voice she sounds intolerable

[@luluhoney1902]

Boohoo poor grown woman. She is permanently damaging her relationship with her daughter and traumatizing her to be with someone who she probably won't even end up with longterm.

[@raisingwings6951]

Mom of 4 here. You can let your kids say hate. They get to hate things. It's just a word that describes a big difficult emotion. Kids and adults both have big difficult emotions. It's okay, I promise

[@GameTime-yj6qv]

Agreed. Like saying you can't say love, that you can only like things.

[@sitcomchristian6886]

I haven't heard that perspective before, glad I have now! It's a good point :)

[@BerryGood4U]

There is no way I’m letting my kids say- I hate you -to me

[@guyrose2350]

This is what my mum did to me! I’m now 25, was abused from about 9-14/15ish by him (emotionally and physically) I was told I was ruining her life, no one did anything to help me. I now have terrible emotional issues, I am unable to date or tell anyone when I’m having an issue as I feel like no one will believe me/hear me out. She then got another boyfriend after that, he moved in with us within a year, anyway conned her out of hundred of thousands because once again she wouldn’t listen to me as I was defiant and trying to ruin her life once again. Be careful bringing men around children, mothers also need to stop treating their daughters differently to sons (every mother sees their daughters in different lights than their sons, it’s those who choose to treat them the same are the ones breaking the cycle) listen to children their intuition is 100x stronger than ours, no one’s given them a reason to not believe it.

[@guyrose2350]

Oh also, a psychologist told her all these things, that I was lying and trying to control her life (they told her this during both relationships despite the abuse coming out before her new one) So I would still watch it, psychologists telling me I had to back out of my mum’s relationships also essentially told me that my boundaries were not important and I don’t deserve to voice my discomfort, which has also led me to find it extremely hard to bother and feel comfortable to open up to psychologists and professionals in general. I also loved my dad and step mum (still do, I spend so much time with them) it wasn’t to weaponise, it was because I was listened to and given respect and taken care of.

[@charliek359]

So she labels her 9 year old daughter as having mental problems when she probably just wants to spend time alone with her mum? Unbelievable.

[@gigiwoodlawn2142]

Or she thinks her mom and dad are going to magically get back together.

[@kirkraszman7998]

What a sickening phone call.

[@elyse443]

Just sickening!

[@bevanbuckwheatshea5520]

Yes

[@jamiel6201]

The mom never mentions if her daughter spoke about being treated badly. If mom's in denial and the daughter feels unheard and unimportant, that would explain why she says those things.

[@morgandawn6413]

You can't make her like your boyfriend. He's not dad and that's hard.

[@Diallelus]

Break up with the stupid boyfriend, stop sneaking around, and give the child you’re torturing some peace.

[@hurt1704]

Since when do children make the decisions in your home? That’s wild. Good luck with that 😅

[@guyrose2350]

@@hurt1704 when you have a child you make a promise maybe not a vocal one but you made a promise to protect that child. Bringing random men around and ignoring kids about why they might not like someone causes major issues with trust and boundaries in their adult life.

[@hurt1704]

@@guyrose2350 yes, but your child doesn’t make that decision. You do. You’re the boss to decide that

[@guyrose2350]

@@hurt1704 yep and if you don’t respect your child’s boundaries or listen to why someone makes them uncomfortable, you will be paying with your relationship to them and also watching them get used and abused by people their whole life as they were never taught that they can vocalise discomfort or set their own boundaries ESPECIALLY when it’s with people who you are supposed to unconditionally love.

[@hurt1704]

@@guyrose2350 you and I can just agree to disagree. If your child has no reason to not like them, they are being brats. I don’t raise brats

[@linhaton4957]

Forget the boyfriend and care for your children. They need you and your time. Lots of time after they are raised to have a love life.

[@JoeKing837]

@Kyle Smith 🤡🤮

[@JoeKing837]

@Kyle Smith Ok Kyle Smith take it easy…

[@tarsi00]

There’s a lot of missing info in this story. Maybe I’m projecting.. I was 11 when my parents divorced. I never had the fantasy of them getting back together. I was fine when my mom would date. But when my dad would date he would do it in a way where we would act out too. Why would you introduce your kids early? Was this the first one? Did you lie to your daughter about him and she knew it? My dad would tell us we are going to the mall and then surprise! The new woman he was dating joined us and we don’t find out until shes infront of us. If she accepts the dads gf then maybe it’s how the mom is trying to make it happen that’s hurting the kids.

[@Diallelus]

Absolutely!

[@fauxbro1983]

Mommy was banging the boyfriend while married probably.

[@actuallyterry]

As someone that is dating a divorced dad with 2 kids. I'm so afraid that they are not going to like me and I'm scared that my bf will randomly introduce me to his kids without warning on both ends.

[@random-nz7dy]

I like John on the Ramsey show but in general I have a hard time with advice calls like this. Because you're always hearing one side that seems greatly exaggerated. And you know there's info left out. I've worked in peds long enough to know with split parents there is so so much to the background and story and someone it the parents withhold because they want you to just see their side. I also feel like John sometimes makes these sweeping statements about psych things like "they all have that fantasy" and its like yeah dude maybe sometimes but no they all don't.

[@Dbzman-69]

Yea my parents also split when I was way younger than 9, them getting back together wasn't a fantasy it was a nightmare I was glad I wasn't going to witness any more crazy fights(or so I thought)

[@patriciacasillas312]

My neice was fine with my sisters bf. One day, she started to keep distance and dislike him. Turned out as soon as no one was looking, he would tell her mean things. The fact that she dislikes him could be a red flag. She needs to listen to her daughter. Her bf is a grown man. Her responsibility is to love, nurture, and raise her daughter. Her responsibility isn't to the bf but to her daughter. Lady needs to get her priorities straight.

[@theoblongbox4909]

I am always going to feel that if your child has a consistent hatred for your bf / gf, then you shouldn't be with that person. Your child might just be going through something, in which case, you need to focus on the child until they can have a healthy relationship with a bf / gf that you have. Or it could also be that there is something genuinely unlikable / harmful that your bf / gf is doing to your child. Either way, you should not bring this person in and make your child's life miserable.

[@cabayern9416]

No. Mom is not given family enough time, mom is too busy running around being boy crazy. The 9 year old hates that the mother will not concentrate on being a mom. Doctor is codling mom. Grow up mom.

[@GUITARTIME2024]

Crappy selfish mom. BE A MOM and casually date on your own time. The kid doesn't need to know about ANY MAN.

[@kristenivory628]

Yes 100 pct that’s the truth

[@elizabethblane201]

"On her own time", would mean when the kids are gone to college.

[@willieverusethis]

I guess she could just send the kids away to boarding schools. That would solve the problem, and they would get excellent educations.

[@carsonsmith8607]

​@@elizabethblane201If that's it then so be it. Parents need to stop being so selfish a f think about their kids before their " love life"

[@silviaquesada2499]

@@carsonsmith8607 so the father gets to move on with a girlfriend? WTH?

[@thejakelegion]

Divorce is an absolute DISASTER for children. I swear, if my wife and I got devorced, it would ruin my poor little boys who are so, so happy with our family unity. Try hard. Whatever it takes. Heal your disagreements. Heal your hearts. Save your kids. Save your marriage.

[@thejakelegion]

@Kyle Smith well, you heard wrong. What I said was "heal". That should be the goal. Don't foist your own issues on to my comment.

[@Evil-Rod-Farva]

@Kyle Smith false. If you’re going to get married your primary purpose for doing so should be building a family. If you’re building a family, it is incumbent upon you to select someone who is fit and capable of being mature enough to handle. In other words you don’t marry a jackass. People need to become VERY selective with who they share their life with. It’s the most consequential decision in your life.

[@mollyg4980]

You know what's worse? "Staying together for the kids," primarily when abuse is involved. Kids grow up to marry their parents. If you stay with your abuser, your child will grow up to either BECOME the abuser, or marry them.

[@Evil-Rod-Farva]

@@mollyg4980 the exception. Does not explain 50% divorce rate or the fact women initiate 75% of the time. People usually divorce because they love themselves more than their spouse and kids and refuse to accept marriage for what it is: Work.

[@basicfilmblog]

​@@Evil-Rod-Farva are you suggesting people should stay in marriages that have long since passed their expiration?

[@sandym6352]

I left my marriage when my 2 daughters were 9 and 12. I tried one relationship for a short time and it didn't work out. I then made the decision that I was not going to bring another man into their lives until they were grown. Yes it was a struggle, yes it was lonely at times, yes it may have been easier financially to have a partner, but I didn't want my girls to have yet another man let them down. I put them first.

[@KrystleLaughter]

Sometimes kids need time to have mommy and daddy all to themselves. As a child my mom was always in a relationship. As a result I felt like see neglected me emotionally. No matter what show your kids there important.

[@lorinmotta9585]

I’ll preface by saying I don’t have kids and am glad I don’t at this point in life, but I feel like, first of all, I would not parade someone I was dating around my young kids, and then I wouldn’t even think twice about ending the relationship if my family was under stress like this. This whole call is a red flag.

[@richthepup]

@Kyle Smith do you have a bunch of badass kids who’ll be trying to rob me in a few years? You’re very on-board for destructive behaviors, i.e introducing randos trying to smash you to your children.

[@lorinmotta9585]

@Kyle Smith are you this lady’s boyfriend?

[@wafflepwn5438]

@@lorinmotta9585 honestly, the way he has been commenting on some of these comments makes me think he really is lmao

[@queenofhearts1138]

Well you don’t. You don’t have kids and you literally have no idea what’s you’re speaking on and how deep this goes.

[@Carol-gs5tu]

I have kids and I agree with you 💯

[@fatimaperez5383]

Mom labeling her daughter with this "disorder" right away gave me red flags. Immature.

[@saywhatnow57]

I'm 41. My 71-year-old dad is currently dating a woman after his fourth divorce. He makes bad choices regarding relationships and his new girlfriend is not good for him. I have specific reasons I won't get into. I'm actually refusing to have anything to do with him as long as he's with this particular woman. Kids go through so much crap through their parent's dysfunctional relationships. I'm 41 and finally saying I won't have anything to do with it. With that said, I tell people all the time that I don't know what I would be like as a human, if my dad had not taken a 3-year hiatus from relationships while I finished high school (I was raised by my father). I needed that peace so much and it paid huge dividends for my life. This little girl needs love and attention from her parent, and she might just need a break.

[@strawberrywishes33]

Wow. This woman makes me angry. I was a single mom and I vowed to my kids and myself that I would put them before any man! I wouldn’t selfishly just present them as my significant other! They always had a say! I brought my (now) husband home and let them get to know him before I asked if it was ok to date him, and he proposed to both my children and I so we all had a say in the matter! It was never just me!…. And I understand where Deloney comes from with “I don’t let my kids dictate my emotions”… but this scenario impacts them greatly! ODD or not, that child gets a say in who is in her future. Point, blank period!

[@Carol-gs5tu]

YES YES YESSSS, Congrats, I did the same and we are a happy tight family

[@Manila-wo3pi]

Yes! You're a great mother and your children will remember this forever. This should be standard.

[@scutifr]

I would hate the mother and boyfriend too. If the mom can’t take accountability even with hundreds of thousands of listeners, imagine how she is with her kid or significant other

[@ZoomerAdvice]

Kids can tell when a boyfriend or girlfriend of their parent sucks. Sorry lady find someone else

[@pinkchilldivestmentor]

She’s not single first. She’s a mother first. I’ve seen this dynamic. Most of the time the mom is neglectful and or the bf or someone has abused the girl.

[@maxolivia4911]

She sounds incredibly immature.

[@tammyschilling5362]

The mother should just give up the boyfriend, and men in general, at least until her daughter's grown. People will scream it's not fair, but that's irrelevant. The child is hurting and needs to be the priority. You can't have split loyalties, and every child knows this at it's core, even if they can't articulate it.

[@kevr380]

If I could talk to the boyfriend. I would tell him to RUN!!! That kid will never except him. She may lie on him to get him away from the mom.

[@AaAa-ri4uf]

Yeah right when the mom said the boyfriend is jealous she’s doing displacement, usually when the father is liked it’s because the mom sucks, just saying. And she admitted she likes the girlfriend which is usually very hard to do. I don’t know her but as someone commented she seems selfish, she doesn’t seem like a likable person.

[@MichaelJones-rn2pq]

As John Rosemond used to say, "Running a family is too much work and too much responsibility for a child. That task shouldn't be dropped in their laps." Also, don't be having children with people that you aren't committed to being with the rest of your life.

[@garrisdom]

My parents never got divorced, but I used to hear talk of it and it would really disturb me as a child; I used to get very angry at the thought of seeing My parents dating other people

[@Keasha274]

So I take from the comments that mom is never to do anything ever post divorce except be a mom, she is not allowed to have a life or a relationship until the kids are grown and out of the house, really people???? She should date on her own time, she has two kids one with issues what time is she gonna have that's her own??

[@TheRachag]

Keep it separate till it’s serious.

[@gigiwoodlawn2142]

@@TheRachag It's been years. I think it's serious.

[@sustainabilitytheory5154]

From what I gleaned, my opinion is she hurt her ex, and 9YO's see her dad's pain, and blames her mom for the chaos in her life since birth. That blame is 50% misplaced, since dad was 1 of 2 unhappy parents/rulers of her world. Love John's suggestions of reclaiming the power in the household, and calmly training her 9YO by modeling controlled behavior and articulating her emotions into words without anger or frustration in her voice.

[@Dbzman-69]

I'm willing to bet she cheated, the guy is now her official BF, hence why the ex husband freaked out when she had the audacity to hang out at the park with the guy and the kids, her daughter picked up and all this, this is why she is good with her father and the gf but lashes out at the mom and her bf. I could be wrong but I'm Willing to bet money on it 😬

[@maggieb369]

If she were to prioritize her daughter for the next ten years instead of a boyfriend she will never regret it

[@pittste88]

I think sometimes kids are way to over analyzed. Maybe she’s just angry at the situation and she truly doesn’t like the bf.

[@TheAck201]

Or maybe the mom had an affair and broke up the family.

[@joywebster2678]

My mother complained to us 4 kids about our father constantly. Retelling old arguments and hurt. I was about 9 when i said then why do you stay married? She was very angry at me. But as i told her she confused us because we didnt know how to think about him, or enjoy him because of her "poor me tales". She stopped her ood repeat tales after that. Its confusing as a kid to have one parent fill your head with crap while the other is telling you to be a good kid and help,out around the house.

[@chrisgrace81]

Thanks for standing up for the child, Dr. John

[@nleem3361]

As a woman with ADHD, and parents who divorced when I was 3 years old, Dr. John gave excellent advice. With adhd there is a thing called rejection sensitivity where any form of being left out can feel devastating. We also have over active brains, imaginations and fantasies that keep spinning in our heads. The journal will help her daughter get out of that spin cycle. I do hope her x-husband will sit down with the kids and mom and explain the divorce had nothing to do with the kids, nor is there any way they'll ever get back together, etc... I was a teenager when I got a fantasy of my parents remarring and how much better it would be. And, it made me dislike my stepmom even more. There was no chance of that happening, even if my dad had not remarried. As some other people have pointed out, it is also good to be sure there is nothing of concern with the boyfriend. It's true, kids can scene some stuff, or that the boyfriend doesn't like her. That was the case with my stepmom. She loved me, but I frustrated her so much because she was a perfectionist and a realist... luckily we like and love each other now, but we had some bad years when I was growing up.

[@DeeLee-p8c]

Get rid of the boyfriend. Your child comes first.

[@jaimesmom74]

Yup

[@DeeLee-p8c]

@@jaimesmom74 nope

[@jaimesmom74]

@@DeeLee-p8c ? Nope

[@ineedhoez]

Nope. Unless there is abuse or poor treatment involved, then the kid doesn't get a vote.😊

[@jaimesmom74]

@@ineedhoez I really hope you’re not blessed with children and if you are, I hope you chose wisely so you didn’t bring this type of chaos into their lives. Because you couldn’t be more wrong on the subject.

[@user-rw4qd7ev8x]

Kids usually take a backseat to the boyfriend

[@candicejohnson44]

Why is everyone leaving shameful comments to this mom who after some time would like to have a relationship. Dr. Delony never shames her

[@sugarmagnolia33]

Dr. John hits the nail on the head as usual. No offense but the mother is emotionally immature, she should not be so personally invested in and affected by the feelings of a 9 year old. I understand that's easier said than done though.

[@ameno3]

Blames child for her problems, what a single mother thing to do...

[@wafflepwn5438]

You took the words right out of my mouth!

[@TheAck201]

💯💯💯

[@DodgaOfficial]

I feel like some people don't know how to date as a parent. They only know how to date in the context of being a single person without responsibilities. Your kids have to be your priority over your bf or gf EVERYTIME. You can't let them start seeing that the new guy or girl takes priority over them, that you having romance and feeling good from the attention of a partner is more important than your time with them. Something tells me this little girl can see that her mom cares more about dating a man that she does about being a mother, whenever a new guy comes into the picture, mom becomes emotionally unavailable and is always texting, isn't present, leaves them all the time, expects them to immediately except him and if they don't then she puts them on the back burner and justifies it by saying it's important for her to be happy too. No, it's not, it's important for your kids to be happy. Dating as a parent is hard, because you simply cannot prioritize someone else besides your kids, they have to be first, even if you get married. Your happiness is completely secondary to the health and wellbeing of your kids. The little girl probably likes dad and his gf because dad might not be perfect, but he never makes her feel like he isn't present in order to pursue a relationship with his girlfriend and he understands that accepting his partner is on his children's terms.

[@geotj3044]

This lady should call Dr. Laura.

[@hayaq9991]

As a mom.. if my child is uncomfortable then pump your breaks or end the relationship.. but “she never wants to make me happy”?.. 🚩

[@tessg4799]

Dr. John is so wrong. He shouldn't counsel people with children regarding divorce. Divorce is very traumatizing for children. With an ADHD and an ODD diagnosis, this sounds like a traumatized child. This woman appears to be too immature to appropriately parent this fragile and broken child. I feel so sorry for the 9 year old. 💔

[@TheRachag]

I wish this was pinned to the top!

[@MinkesMom]

My daughter immediately destroyed every relationship from age 11 to her 20s. And, her father's relationship. I overheard my daughter say she was not going to share her inheritance with anyone.

[@catherinenelson4162]

,Dr. John, your advice on this is so right on point. I became a single parent when my daughter was 9 months old She was already showing signs of being smarter than me. (eeks!). I kept control in a loving way, but hyperactive geniuses aren't easy! When she was 3, the One Minute Parenting and One Minute Manager books came out. What you are suggesting to this mother was also in these books. I used the methods effectively for years. And, yes, it made a huge difference. Giving others choices gives them a measure of control. Everyone needs some control in their lives. It doesn't have to be huge or groundbreaking, but it shows that their feelings, wants and needs matter With children, it seems like when bad things happen, they need some control to get it to where they can live with whatever change happens in their life. Giving choices really does work!

[@user-ul5ny1to8p]

Hit me up i have investment update ?

[@amandawilson4716]

I think parents should listen more to their kids.

[@rebeccashields9626]

Of course the 9 year old doesn’t like the boyfriend. That sounds normal she wants her parents to be together. You have to love her through this. She doesn’t have to like him she’s allowed to have opinions. You are a grown woman and have to be okay with it.

[@pupasarus]

A million times yes.

[@rochelle-xz8gl]

The mother should never ever leave her kids alone with her kids! And her boyfriend should RUN away!

[@cherylbritt7227]

ODD is typically a symptom of something, usually ADHD, rather than something all in its own

[@CJ-ft9yo]

I personally had this happen and I was hyper aware of the difficulty of melding families, and I was never confident of pulling it off, and living with the stress of pleasing everyone. Relationship ended and 12 years later I’m still in the limbo of being alone, and dad coming over to have meals with the one young adult left. So much judgement here though, basically people should not get together and blend families and single mums are generally selfish and immature?

[@ninamc6116]

great advice Dr. Delony. the mom needs to stop labeling a child who has been traumatized by her parents breaking up and Mom not liking her. Mom is trying to duck responsibility for F'ing her kid up

[@RoyalMetal9]

Of course the kid gets blamed for being difficult. Never mind that their entire world has been blown up and now has to compete for attention(and usually lose). They’re just expected to accept and adapt happily. Don’t date anyone until your kids are 18. Your focus should be entirely on your kids and not distracted and divided with satisfying your emotional sexual wants. It’s not supposed to be about you at all. It’s all about the kids.

[@The-Oneness11]

I don't think parents should sacrifice theirselves for their children. Of course take care of them and provide for them as much as possible but do not sacrifice your own happiness. There is a difference between giving and sacrificing. Sadly people have a tendency to not appreciate the sacrifices that others make for them even mothers. I have seen too many mothers sacrifice and give so much to their child, to where the child doesn't even appreciate it when they grow up. Children are actually happier when their parents are happy.

[@The-Oneness11]

@@silentnot4812 Yes of course That is why I indicated that there is a difference between giving and sacrificing. For instance I am a mother who loves giving my children attention but I do need to attend to my own needs. Relationships need balance. One cannot pour from an empty cup. Children are naturally happier when their mothers are happy. I have a boyfriend and my son likes him and looks too him as his missing father figure after his real father's death.

[@ldtriton]

Its mind boggling to me to see all of the these comments (most likely by women) who are crapping on the mom. The child has completely the opposite reaction when it comes to her dad and his new girlfriend and throws it in her moms face. Her mom stated that this behavior was an issue long before they even had the divorce. Also, if both of her kids were acting in this way, then those comments would probably be more understandable however its just the daughter. Clearly its a problem with the 9 year old. Wake up....

[@ldtriton]

@Tankkizzle Oh I'm sorry... Yeah, its all the moms fault 100% Umm.... yeah... right. 😒

[@demetriuscooksey7147]

I have a 9 year-old too. I can honestly say from experience, maybe that little girl can sense something about the new guy that Mom can't.

[@Songbird36able]

As a parent your children come first. Yes it gets lonely sometimes, but waiting until they're older or even grown might be the best thing to do before dating. You have to weigh out the good and the bad to make the right decision as to should I/shouldn't I. Sounds like mom is just wants what she wants and the children are just along for the ride.

[@moriahpalmas5264]

She should have called Dr. Laura Schlessinger she has a lot more experience than this guy and, she is all about protecting children from more heartaches from divorced parents. This woman should have waited to date guys until the kids are up and out.

[@davidharman7245]

Around minute 9, the woman said the daughter "talks about the new girlfriend all the time." I don't think the girl expects mom and dad to get back together. She likes the new girlfriend more than mom. As a formerly strong willed 9 year old, with a strong willed sibling - It is tough to know if the daughter gets mad at mom for not getting her own way at mom's house (when dad lets her have it), or the dad may be an amazing and thoughtful parent and the mom does not give her children the love and attention they need. Singles who don't settle down early in life need to decide how they feel about a potential combined family. What if you don't really want a combined family, but someone with a child wants to date you? This topic applies to a lot of people.

[@MaryJane-bk9vj]

It is quite simple as that: the boyfriend has to step back. If the child feels she has priority for her mother, she can befriend with mothers boyfriend and live in peace. But not if she has to conquer with him.

[@Verona-f8e]

Opposition/ Defiant is a real disorder… my dad was diagnosed years ago.., my parents have been married for over 50 years… they fight and bicker every day.., for over 50 years my mom has asked my dad to take out the garbage.., it smells… his response is “it doesn’t smell.” For over 50 years … I actually moved to another continent because I couldn’t take it anymore… he’s defiant, passive, feckless and angry… I don’t even like to step foot in that house… my parents have fought at home… at weddings, at baptisms, at funerals, at picnics… at the mall. I spent years in therapy…

[@lilithowl]

So many comments on here reveal that people don't see women who have kids as whole human beings with a right to anything outside their kids. Gross.

[@Viracocha88]

You're deluded if you think dating while being a mother of young children is "outside" of the children's lives. If she's "dating" just to have sex every now and then she's being a bad role model for her children who will be inclined to engage in casual sex while they are adolescents. If she's dating with an eye towards getting married, then she's bringing in a new father to the family, and that is NOT "outside" their lives. If you choose to get pregnant and raise children, they you also take on all of the obligations of being a responsible mother, and that includes sacrifices.

[@K9Kelaroo]

I don’t think that’s the case. I think people are responding to this woman in particular and the way she speaks about her daughter, She isn’t looking to work out a problem for the greater good with care and love, she is looking to blame her daughter and get what she wants. People simply don’t like HER because we an hear it in her voice.

[@elizabetha8565]

My heart breaks for this lady I have a daughter who is like this I am not divorced but I do so much for her but her dad is everything and I am nothing and can't do anything right and am put down all the time. It's so odd but my other kids are wonderful equally towards us.

[@GUITARTIME2024]

That's common.

[@solitarymystic4672]

Children are always right! They sense things we don’t.

[@JJtvee]

Your exhusband was freaking out because you brought a strange man around his children EARLY ON into your relationship.

[@SideShowSpecialties]

I can respect sticking to the question that's been presented...but so often I wonder about additional details as to how someone ended up in the situation they are in. Kids know right from wrong. My daughter just the other day asked me, "does mommy know how marriage is supposed to work?" I understand that asking for additional context can muddy the original question, but this call is just a symptom of a bigger problem that will continue to go unaddressed.

[@SideShowSpecialties]

She stated that some issues arose cause her ex was super jealous. Why was he that way? What were the circumstances around the divorce? Those 2 are the biggest questions.

[@SideShowSpecialties]

@Kyle Smith you having a bad day or is projecting a regular thing for you?

[@wafflepwn5438]

@@SideShowSpecialties Kyle Smith is the boyfriend in this video… that’s my theory.

[@SideShowSpecialties]

@@wafflepwn5438 good observation. Prolly right.

[@sherryd3299]

The child's parents are divorced. This means she already has much less time/attention with her father. Now that mom has a boyfriend her time and attention to her daughter is divided. When dad gets a girlfriend the child will have even less time and attention for her. Parents shouldn't start dating until the child is 18. Children are traumatized by divorce and need as much attention from their both parents as possible. Just because you are enthralled with your new love but the child has a different perspective.

[@elyse443]

Can people ever even consider that a child could be right? Maybe the daughter is correct that she wouldn’t be with this guy. Maybe she’s responding to some very real things that have caused her anger towards her mom and is rational. Maybe she’s been through enough and the new boyfriend is just too much. Why force this guy on her?

[@CaliAAA72]

It’s obvious dad made the right choice by leaving this woman. The problem is now the daughter is starting to see what her dad went through with this woman and probably wants to be with her dad full time. The problem I bet is that mom has full custody enjoying that awesome child support and will not under no circumstances allow dad to have full custody. Instead of worrying about her daughter’s approval and her own sex life she needs to make sure that she doesn’t bring a person in the home that could harm her children and continue her therapy because she needs it.

[@Ingrid-sb6my]

Tell the guy to RUN.

[@madisonandthefarm]

Your children don’t get to decide your significant other or else you would never have an SO. It’s not harsh or selfish if your SO is amazing and good to your kids, and is not trying to replace the other parent. Life has to go on, every parent deserves love again….

[@Nido17]

I struggled with this as a kid too. My mkm divorced my dad and i didnt go to her wedding with her new husband because it wasnt my dad. Its very difficult for kids to grasp "someone else" will be with mom and its another order of authority thats very didficult to handle. The expectation that should just be accepted without therapy is lunacy.

[@Manila-wo3pi]

I just don't understand this push to always "put yourself first" when it comes to the detriment of your own children. If my child hates someone they will not be around, period. I brought my child into this world, and my life is a dedication to them, relationships may last or they may not but your child is yours for life and I personally believe afterlife. Children are brought into this world by two parents and it's them alone that are responsible for their health and well-being until they leave home. If you want to date, go in knowing that this is not your new partner's responsibility to be a "step-parent" Kids do not ask for two new parents halfway through their childhood, it's your partner and your choice if that's what you want but do not force a child to care because you can't be alone or you're trying to recreate this new family.

[@gigiwoodlawn2142]

What if you don't date until the kids are adults, say 24. If they hate them then, are you going to dump them? What if your kids is 46. If they hate them, will you dump them?

[@GuavaJ3nny]

Yikes. This is mind boggling to listen to. Kids are allowed to not want to go to the zoo…that’s not defiance or whatever. Be a mother first. She needs to improve her relationship with her child first. This mom needs some serious therapy. It’s likely not about the bf. My kids were both pleased and excited when my ex and I found new partners. My kids love their step mother and love my partner. All four of us put the kids first. .

[@10coolfacts]

My oldest stepdaughter was and still is incredibly hard to win over. Every day I have to work twice as hard to build and maintain a positive relationship with her, compared to my biological children. It's worth the effort, though, and over the last 5 years, we've grown to have our own special relationship and understanding of one another. It's in the boyfriend's hands to make this situation better. He needs to take the lead and put in the work to build a positive relationship with the mom and her daughter. This is done through honesty, consistency, kindness, fairness, and presence. There could also be a negative influence coming from the Dad. If he has poisoned his daughter against the mom and new guy, that evil is on him. Still, if boyfriend acts in a way counter to what dad is saying enough, eventually the child will learn that Dad isn't being truthful. At the end of the day, a lot of time and a lot of commitment will be required to make this situation better.

[@kimberlysmith7625]

Caller ...are you really that obtuse? With divorce, adults move on their lives while children are expected to meld seamlessly into the chaos created by the trusted adults in their lives.....their parents. You have no business bringing around another man into your children's lives. Your daughter's safety, security and trust is being eroded by your errant decisions. She's NINE and does not have the emotional maturity or life experience to know how to deal with what you've created for her. Your level of selfishness is bewildering.

[@lizo7194]

@Kyle Smith "she loves dad and dads girlfriend " doubt dad is abusive . Mother is definitely mentally and verbally abusive. This call is evidence.

[@lizo7194]

@Kyle Smith oh, you must be this women's boyfriend. That makes sense. Might want to watch calling a complete stranger an abuser. This woman never said anything about being abused. The way she called out her daughter if she had been abused I'm sure she would have mentioned it. Anyway, keep reaching and blaming someone else "libtard" .

[@lilithowl]

Garbage

[@kimberlysmith7625]

@lilithowl ..one word responses do not provide any insight. What do you mean by "garbage "?

[@olivialam9044]

Choose your children.....

[@diahannab5072]

These comments are brutal, us divorced mom supposed to be single forever? In society’s eyes are we even permitted to divorce if we have kids? I’m not neglecting my kids and I’m not hooking up , so am I allowed to find love? Or do I wait until my kids are married and out the house first? All while their dad had a baby outside of our marriage? Just checking first before I’m judged by so many self righteous people.

[@MrsYoung-in9ov]

Right? I’m trying to figure out where the bias in these comments is coming from because I have never seen this kind of talk anywhere before to be honest.

[@patricec9927]

respectfully i disagree. listen to Dr Laura.. minor childreen come first! dump the boyfriend.

[@welshhibby]

Your dating life is over, you have a child to bring up. I’m on your daughters side here.

[@queenofhearts1138]

A woman’s dating life is over bc she had a child? This is why mothers end up taking their own lives or their children lives. Is she not a PERSON outside of motherhood? She does not have needs of her own? The entirety of fulfillment would be met by the child? She should forgo 18years of her entire life bc she had a baby??? Lol!!!!

[@abark]

Your comment is an encapsulation in a few hysterical sentences why single mothers are the greatest breeder of crime@@queenofhearts1138

[@MiniMu-2008]

Sometimes, it's who they are. They benefit from boundaries. And downtime with their parent(s)