Why You Can’t Afford to Avoid Hard Things

[@Dixie8642]

Dr. John, you are so good at this job. Also, I wish your friend had handled your treating differently, as much as his good intentions meant to you. Something like, “Thank you so much for dinner; that was so kind and generous of you. Also? Please be reminded we love you completely having nothing to do with X, Y, or Z.” Never give grief to someone for offering a kindness; you rob them of joy and inspire them to feel awkward and foolish and embarrassed.

[@strangeaslife]

The first caller sounds a lot like me. Ive been seeing a therapist for over 2 years and she told me recently that i have CPTSD, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. she gave me a good book to read by Pete Walker on the subject. Its hard road ahead to heal still but i dont feel like im inheirently broken and unworthy of just being alive anymore. The shame spiral is real and sometimes debilitating. I hope you find peace and healing.

[@Maddiehearts97]

I absolutely recommend “crappy childhood fairy” here on KZbin! She talks about CPTSD and makes incredibly helpful videos for us .🥰

[@piratepipe]

No one asked..🤫

[@7somekindofsomething]

The first guy seemed very sweet. I think you’ll be a great dad man. Never did I once hear an apology from my parents that they’ll try do better next time. I think hearing that would make me cry 😂

[@sinisterchin1592]

Thanks dude

[@JulieSchori]

This is the Dr John that I love to listen to! Thanks for opening up to the callers and your audience. It helps me to understand what you are going through (you are human like the rest of us) and helps explain some of the past shows where you weren't quite yourself. It also reinforces that we all need help at times in our life and how important it is for everyone. Dr John-- please continue to be yourself on all the Ramsey shows! You have a unique perspective and awesome talents that took years to evolve. I'm sure there is pressure based on likes, comments, etc but honesty is always the best policy. I recently started watching multiple Ramsey shows after getting hooked on your show. It has had a positive impact on many of my perspectives and has been very encouraging. I don't think I would still be watching if you weren't part of the team. Thanks also to your team! I appreciate the banter and glad there are folks there to keep you in line. 😊

[@IFBBProYeo]

I Absolutely love John for saying that there were things that he had never told his wife even after being married for 20 years. People in the comments will come down on women for not telling their deepest secrets to their husband like they are some kind of liars, Like they are breaking trust. John shows that it is not about lying or trust but rather growth over time that it takes to tell people what happened to you no matter how much you love them. I absolutely love this reminder.

[@AndiAlexander1]

Great advice to the sister to stay close to her sister and maintain that relationship.

[@Cowgirlkate]

Over parentified kids end up feeling and saying things like this beautiful man is expressing...so real, so transparent, so amazing he is!! Totally relate; rock on till the break of dawn, bro!!

[@ThePestilentDefiler]

I cant do anything somewhat important without overly critiquing myself and critiquing my critiques until i sprial out of control.

[@florenciagonzalez2288]

Second caller Yes to what John said! When someone you care about chooses a path like that they need you The most! Even if they dont say it. Stay close, stay honest, stay compassionate and loving. She will eventually come around. Toxic relationships thrive on keeping the other person away from their loved ones.

[@tinam761]

Sister of the 18yr old … stay close as much as you can. I’ve seen it in my family and the young woman ended up in abusive relationships. She hid EVERYTHING. If she doesn’t have some connection with a safe person… she will not have a place to go if she needs it one day. Remind her she can talk to you about anything and that you are always there for her. Sometimes you just may have to speak and she won’t say anything… but she will listen. When you do speak to her … speak in a way she does not perceive as judgmental. It’s gonna probably take some time … Help her see options to leave that guy she probably doesn’t see for herself.

[@brandyk]

I wholeheartedly agree with John's advice to the sister of the 18 yr old with the 50 yr old boyfriend..I got the sense that she wasn't exactly expecting and prepared to receive this advice especially so early in the call. The sister may in addition to loving her sister n being genuinely concerned about her also have some codependency issues n some resentment and guilt around how she has handled the situation thus far. She mentions that she's only 18 so clearly the sister has made these decisions as a mere teen where in many states it would be illegal but yet in some ways she is treating the sister( if she is in fact using this as a reason to pull away from her sister bc it would be too painful to hear about etc. ) But she never actually said that. This is something John preemptively spoke about as people are often inclined to do. Remember she is your sister who you supposedly love and care about and has done nothing to personally hurt you she is not even a drug addict or someone irresponsibly bringing children into the world so let's keep it in perspective. What if she were dating a 30 yr old man or even 25 yr old man who you didn't think was good for her and had too many problems etc. Would you distance yourself then? We have to accept the choices that our loved ones make and love them through it and still be there for them. The fact that they are 5 hrs away I wonder did the sister n her husband move that distance from the family of origin or did the sister n the 50 yr old man. Sounds like they made a nice offer to the sister when she was a few years younger to come n live with them as did another sister but maybe it was too far away from a few others decent things in her life that were familiar to her like friends, school etc. Also yes she may have been looking for a physical way out of her childhood home with the chaos between the Mom n the stepdad but also likely looking for that father figure n live she didn't get from a male and the sister cannot provide that. They don't mention the biological father so I'm that's not a healthy situation either. You're going to worry about her anyway whether you see her or not so like he said lean in and enjoy other aspects of her life and other things to talk about. She already knows how you feel. Why beat a dead horse and further seperate the 2 of you. This is actually good practice for your relationship with your own daughter who will also not make all the choices you think she should and even some that you suspect may hurt her in some ways when she is an adult. Not easy but the alternative can be much worse.

[@tinam761]

The man that is struggling to cry … I had some issues with crying myself. A little differently though … I would hold things in and then maybe being all alone at night watching a really sad movie I’d start crying and the flood gates would open about things going on in my life - not really the movie. It was such an issue… I’d sometimes plan to watch a very sad movie so I could cry. I’d recommend getting a therapist just for you that you can open up to all the things you’ve never told anyone. As you develop trust with your therapist… realizing it’s a space where you don’t have to perform… your body just may allow you to release the tears. One more thing, I recommend therapy now vs. later. It WILL come up at some point. This month will be one year since I buried my father and so much has come up for me … even unrelated things that I swept 🧹 under the rug. You are worth healing and you are worth being able to access your emotions better and you’re worth not having to live life through an unhealthy level of criticism (which is really just you and your memories putting you down). You are worth it … you and your family will benefit from a healthier you. Best wishes on your journey. 🙏🏼

[@samanthawilson6159]

When I was 19 I was "dating" 35+ year olds. They and i had no business doing that!! But if anyone tried to tell me that when I was that age I wouldn't have listened. I wouldn't have talked to u very much either. Some of us are in a fog and just love the attention from them that was never really given to us growing up. That's all it is I feel. John is right. Try to connect with her in other ways and stay in her life. One day she will wake up and realize that this is so so wrong. I would want u to be around on that day. Just show up and love her anyways. ❤️ Dont stay away from her like she's not good enough. And place heavy boundaries with that 53 year old and u. He clearly needs it. I wish u the best!

[@barbaras676]

When I was a senior in college an older (probably mid-50’s) took a liking to me. He was married but kept pestering me during and after class. I was so creeped out! But then just a few years later,at 27, I met and married a man 17 years my senior. Still trying to figure out what I did that for🙄

[@brandyk]

​@@barbaras676 well that is still a large age gap but nothing like the first scenario and not just bc that one had a larger gap but you were far younger n less experienced.

[@7somekindofsomething]

Respect pushing the natural remedies for mental health like exercise 👍

[@johnqclark5155]

Scary how Dr. John's voice changes when he discloses what went on in his therapy session. 11:16

[@aprilporter770]

John thank you for telling your own story❤ I could tell how emotional it was for you and I appreciate your openness. Sheesh now I’m crying!

[@ruthirwin8222]

I know a 50+,year old who cried for the first time cos she had been brought up to believe big girls done cry

[@Tara_thatonegirl]

Aaaaaaaaamen to the exercise segment! My son also has Tourette’s (Anxiety, tics, OCD). He’s 18 and super smart and super awesome.

[@melodydurrett9658]

Great advice to Gabrielle!

[@France149]

Lolove although congratulations on the 20 year solidarity ship ⚓🚢😊😊🎉 good job an good luck budd y lol

[@kanienkehakaka]

Tiger leg. Awesome. Dr John needs to do some slam poetry sometime.

[@gingergriffin6190]

I’m from NC and I totally disagree with the age of consent being 16! 😡 It should be higher!

[@brandyk]

Yes the whole thing is crazy. To some degree it should likely take into consideration the age of the older individual. A young woman or man who is 17 n a half seeing a young man who has recently turned 18 or maybe even soon to be 19.does not bother me nearly as much. Should they try to wait of course. Should be knowingly pursue a girl under 18, no but let's say they did not meet in school but rather a summer job and just became smitten and started as friends n it just escalated and she wanted to also. It's kind of normal and understandable and I would never want to see some young man's record besmirched for rest of life and put into the same category of a 30 yr old man and even worse a 50 yr old man. Same thing with a 17 yr old boy and an 18 or 19 yr old girl.

[@joshuarobinson898]

I say lower

[@Dixie8642]

LOVED the exercise segment. ❤️👏🏼🙏

[@nathaliebasile6168]

Thx Dr John your sharing is helping me believe ! ❤

[@hwinny2]

One of the main things of PTSD is avoidance.

[@olgabalakshina1410]

set up a twice a week video calls with your sister, Gabrielle! It works!!! we did the same, pulling a close relative from the grip of psychopath

[@rogerh1744]

The whole world avoids hard things and is addicted to pleasure why the world is in such a mess

[@JohnnyCocktail-v8u]

Re the Fax Your Friends today: Consider enhancing your physical and mental well being by practicing yoga. Great for flexibility, balance, strength, pain reduction and peace of mind.

[@ruthirwin8222]

Many dont like yoga as its eastern religion

[@colmwhateveryoulike3240]

John I disagree with your friend. You did a good thing and you weren't trying to prove yourself. He might just be feeling his own awkward feelings there.

[@J3llyBean423]

AVP me too

[@MarinaM-o6p]

This story is : how absent and abusive fathers damaged their own sons …..horrible…..

[@brandyk]

I loved Johns advice about crying not being the goal. I'm a 57 yr old woman so raised a bit different than kids today but I also don't think it's healthy or will ever be accepted for men to cry too often over things that aren't really necessary to cry over. Yes you were a little harsh with your 3 yr old son that night n maybe at other times but he never said what he actually did and said. Maybe it was not really harsh in most people's view anyway. This guy definitely sounds like he is far too hard on himself. Many people would not even allow the 3 yr old to be dictating where the projector is set up n using it himself. Also did he recently turn 3 so he's a few days over 2 or is he very soon to be 4 n pretty coordinated and tech savvy beyond his years. How would he react if he was told no Mommy n Daddy are going to set it up but you can pick out the movie and your snack. Is he so used to doing whatever he wante that he would have a meltdown and Dad is afraid that would make him feel like a bad parent n or he would become more harsh n have more guilt. I'd recommend a parenting class or videos. I commend him apologizing to his son but just be careful what you are apologizing for n don't do it too often. He does still need to see you as an authority figure in the home not just a loving n fun playmate..

[@France149]

Never in anything like this you are a good start up service? No! !? ! 😊

[@Mamamischa]

You tell him Kelly!! Nothing wrong with true crime shows 😂

[@mistypfitzer111]

Has that sister, tried looking up that 50yr old man's criminal record via the state repository?? There should be a way 2 check & see if he happened to be a registered sex offender or has a criminal history relating to that.. 😁

[@brandyk]

That's an excellent point too but have to be sure this doesn't further drive a wedge between her n the sister..so she has to really think this through and do everything on the other end to protect her sister here as well. Good point though

[@brendonwhartonfit]

💯

[@JA-re8gi]

Something tells me that this caller dresses up in traditional African clothing when his wife introduces him to her new boyfriend Tyrone.

[@sinisterchin1592]

What in the hell does that even mean?

[@JA-re8gi]

@@sinisterchin1592 I apologize that comprehension of the written English language is not your forte.

[@sinisterchin1592]

@@JA-re8giwhat does this have to do with the call?

[@YoYo_Ma]

​@@sinisterchin1592he's trying to sound smarter than he is while calling the caller a cuck.

[@henryhill3778]

The New Jerry Springer show. I'm all into the financial advice and the Ramsey system, but this guy is no Dr. If he was, he wouldn't be doing this over the internet.

[@aprilporter770]

Not even close! He’s helping millions of people with this show.

[@yesterdayseyes]

He loses it over a projector in front of his 3 year old? He wants to force himself to cry. Grow tf up, baby.

[@peterlee584]

Empathy isn't your thing, is it??

[@Tara_thatonegirl]

You’re seeing it on the surface. This guy is trying to break generational dysfunction. And has to courage to tackle it

[@peterlee584]

@@Tara_thatonegirl That is so true.

[@JoeKing837]

Beta

[@jeradkiester698]

No need to tell strangers on the Internet what you are.