The Heterosexuals Are Not Okay

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[@Social_Pugatory]

Obligatory sex sounds like one of the saddest most unsatisfactory experiences. 😂 If that’s what they are calling “love” 🗣KEEP IT!

[@kindred42]

This part. Obligatory anything is just sad.

[@allahx13davinedarklorddami72]

Almost as bad as male obligatory military service 🤔

[@bdott1538]

@@allahx13davinedarklorddami72 take that up with the powers that be…the government.

[@brandygee9954]

🎯

[@dorianneutral1787]

@AllahX13 Da'vine Dark Lord Dami-yun-wiya Wrong page👉🏾

[@SuburbanKween]

Can we please have The Heterosexuals Are Not OK as a series???

[@measchueax]

I concur‼️

[@daniellemoxey9940]

PLEASEEEE IT IS QUITE NECESSARY! WE ARE NOTTTT!!! IT'S THE GHETTO!!!

[@thelegalengineer]

Yes please.

[@kindred42]

Yes this is timely. You can tell the economic times are really taking a toll on the relationships. Since she is such a history buff, I would love to see a deep dive into the history of relationships between people's of the African disapora.

[@thelegalengineer]

@@kindred42 Here in Africa the bar is in hell because of the economic situation. The women are marrying the men. Its a whole crisis.

[@niaturner2137]

This conversation actually gets me really fired up bc since when has someone choosing not to give their body to someone become disrespectful 🙁 and it’s very dangerous to keep this idea going that men can’t go x amount of time without sex. Why would you even still want to have sex knowing that your partner is not truly in the mood😞

[@PsalmoftheStars]

Definite rebranding of “blue balls” and reinforcement of Rape Culture

[@patricewilcox]

Agreed. And, why isn't the partner exploring conversations about what's going on with you and having genuine curiosity and concern rather than just to get you back in a sexual mood.

[@DrMathOfficial]

@Nia Turner I like the way you think. 👍🏽......(except for being on this channel, consuming videos from this channel, which could be a huge red flag if you consume from this channel regularly). But yea, outside of that, 👍🏽

[@nubiancaynes2128]

You would if you're a rapist...still this is a good question

[@joannamarieart]

I think what so many of these women don't realize is that sex would never feel like a chore if it wasn't treated like a duty to begin with. Once it becomes an obligatory thing that you are required to do for someone else regardless of how you feel, all potential pleasure is stripped away from you. If you can't say no, you can never truly say yes.

[@asterisk_fr]

GET THIS TO THE TOP

[@mamimelusine]

What is always missing from these conversations is the huge amount of labor women do in cishetero relationships especially with children. Domestic, mental, child rearing, organizing, and emotional. With all the demands to also submit sexually at the end of a long day of taking care of everybody else there is never an equal demand to distribute more of that labor to men.

[@Indiegirl007]

So....for all of the cheating men, they're just...bonding? This girl is insane. "Don't use sex as a weapon." Girl, you just did.

[@roxywyndham]

😂😂😂😂 chile, this woman crazy 🥴

[@cheneapowell7652]

Lol the “you just did” part! 😂😂😂 Video creeped me out honestly and I’m Married lol

[@ProduCiera]

I'm 30 and I've been single for years now and the older I get and the more I see the more I'm convinced I'm meant to be alone 😂😂 all this "compromise" seems one sided 🥴

[@musically.obsessed13]

Child I'm in my 30's and been single for a minute and I plan to stay this way. Being a black woman in a relationship sounds like a terrible time. Trash life. Absolute basura!!!

[@ProduCiera]

@@musically.obsessed13 Man!!!! Like am I stressed out about the state of the world and stuff? Yes! But am I stressed about "how do you feel about me?" "Where is this relationship going?" "We need to work on our communication" NOOOOOOOO 🤣and I refuse to be

[@marklouis1890]

Exactly

[@marklouis1890]

I'll be 30 next year and I've been single for almost a decade and I'm fine with that. I live in peace and I love it

[@arabang686]

Everyday I see why my mom never remarried😂😭

[@JenellBStewart]

I’ve been in a relationship for 17 years and married to my husband for 12 of those years. We have 2 kids. Our intimacy isn’t tied exclusively to sex. Neither of us could handle penetrative sex daily even when on vacation. Yes his libido has decreased. Mine hasn’t so much but I don’t preoccupy my mind with thoughts of sex all day either. These people talking about sympathy sex and having to get over their trauma to provide sex seems unhealthy. The last thing my husband would be doing is feeling me up for sex when I’m hurt. He’s be consoling me and catering to my emotional needs.

[@michilove6554]

Jenell!!! Miss u here on these Internet streets!!!!

[@JenellBStewart]

@@michilove6554 Hey love! 🤎

[@Mimi8402]

Yeah I think that most of these people are just flat out lying..I don’t believe that any married or long term partnered grown couple is having sex daily or even 4x a week. Life is way too busy for that.

[@curatedbykellimichelle]

This comment right here!! 💯

[@vonnii1013]

Ty omg TY FOR THIS

[@marisolania2696]

Lol I Rmbr when Adrienne Bailon said that she had sex with her husband every day multiple times a day. That energy just screams “see I’m worth it, don’t leave, don’t cheat, I can be everything you need”. It feels very transactional. Intimacy is just so much more than sex.

[@Mimi8402]

That is wild, and I honestly don’t believe her. They’re older (and her man is even older than her) and not a new couple..plus her husband doesn’t exactly give me that 💪🏾 energy.

[@anissa2361]

Her current husband?

[@anissa2361]

@@Mimi8402 I was thinking the same thing. It's not adding up, lol

[@smilergal89]

🤣🤣 to be fair she was working hard on having a baby too so there's all that plus hormones if she's having fertility treatments

[@surirel4949]

I don’t know if this is normal or not but im in my 30s now and the older I get the less appealing men are to me. My attraction to them is declining rapidly. I cannot stand a lot of their terrible communication skills and almost non-existent emotional intelligence don’t get me started and their fake “I’m a man so I think and act this way because of it.”

[@SHIVAAAA100]

Girl the gays ain’t doing too hot either. Just putting that out there 😭😭

[@tjmastermind]

😂but I do believe we are doing better than the heterosexuals right now. We are not all over the socials talking about how much we hate each other

[@prezhenz6969]

Especially the white ones. All this “no black” “just a preference” bs while yasss kweening out the other side their mouth

[@ayadhyist]

As if we LGBTQ people are the reason for the borderline genocide we face lmao

[@dboyedoe]

I think if we're on the internet, we not doing too good lmao 😂

[@renataaholcomb9929]

Girl, we talking about us, heteros- not the homosexuals. Would you comment on a picture of a homeless black child and say “bUt wHaT aBoUt tHe WhItE cHiLdReN” 🤣😂 damn, let us shine in the light of stupidity like we always do 🤭

[@shelbyspellman3046]

As I’m getting older, I realize many men don’t understand intimacy. They only understand bumping their meat w/ no regard of their women’s needs. Foreplay is more than sexual acts, it’s an intentional, romantic date night, an in depth conversation, a nice bath together, doing things she/y’all needs or likes I’m also a new mom & was unable to do anything for a few months due to labor complications.If my man can’t withstand sex, especially when it’s uncontrollable for me , just go head to the streets BabyBoy

[@m0mmy2aStar]

These women get more pleasure from telling the world that they do these things than they actually do from doing them for their partners. It's a heterosexual hierarchy, and we all want the privileges that come from being cis-gendered and desirable to men. I feel like it's so popular in our community because we want to experience privileges too. Especially black women, what other privileges do we have that we haven't worked extremely hard for? Being seen as healed, lovable soft, desirable woman by an online audience is beneficial. This submission things IS AN EASY MASK TO SLEEP IN.

[@elizamack4512]

Very true. I had to learn to actually love and appreciate these task as it is a blessing to have these perks just for being. So stop acting like it’s a chore. Sex never has been tho. I’m talking about Laundry 😂😂

[@audrey1116]

Girl I am tired. They should’ve warned us that partnering as black women would come with so much work with rare rewards. I would’ve spent way less time desiring romantic love thinking I would get the same results as women from other groups.

[@anm3744]

💯

[@smilergal89]

Bingo. It's a real trip and it shows up in the slightest of ways

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

@@audrey1116 Oh dear. What results are you getting?

[@125loopy]

At 4:10 she says she had to learn how to not look at sex as a chore but enjoy... *her husband* feeling wanted. Not enjoy sex, mind you - but enjoy pleasing her husband. These women lead such sad lives. I can't imagine being the only one compromising in a relationship. And those poor kids are being taught that this type of relationship is aspirational. My husband isn't perfect but he's in the process of unlearning a lot. I'm so glad we're on the exact same page sexually. He would rather be a eunuch than have sex with me when I'm not in the mood. We've gone weeks without sex but there's cuddling, kissing, and touching every day. So many relationships lack intimacy and it's sad.

[@Mmeme2023]

To be fair, we hear about her compromise because it's her podcast, I'm sure he brings the same level of sacrifice to the relationship. If your partner's love language is physical intimacy, you compromise understanding that he will step up for you too and if he doesn't, nowhere does the Bible say you submit based on your mood. I think she gets a lot of things wrong but on this point she's right

[@bdott1538]

@@Mmeme2023 submission doesn’t mean you cannot say no though. Like that idea is literally where too many think rape can’t happen in a marriage. There should always be mutual consent to sex each time sex happens…even within marriage.

[@Mmeme2023]

@@bdott1538 yes you can say no and I imagine ALL women do at some point - dare I say weekly even. But that doesn't take away from the importance of sacrifice in a relationship, saying yes sometimes (maybe most of the time in certain areas) to please the other person. I specifically used the word compromise (sharing), not control which is where rape could happen. You leaped too far from my point

[@essiethebestie1]

Unfortunately that's how most women find a way to enjoy sex. This is why imo they get emotionally attached to a man JUST from having lackluster one sided sex. They find their pleasure in pleasing the man. They compensate physical pleasure for the feeling of making him happy. (That won't last long) Nothing wrong with wanting to please your man and enjoying doing so. However. It should be pleasurable for you too. The best men in the bedroom are the ones who enjoy pleasing the woman as much as they enjoy the sex all together. ❤️

[@bdott1538]

@@Mmeme2023 you used the word submission…which is what I was refuting. Submission doesn’t mean you cannot say no, most of the time even. If either partner isn’t in the mood for sex, they can say „no“ to sex.

[@TeeWayne2018]

Joulezy! Mama! This video was right on FUCKING time. Iam sooooooo tired of the rhetoric being pushed online that women are sex vessels. I should be able to NOT want sex and NOT think my man is going to have an attitude or worse cheat to get a quick nut. If women have to lay on their backs daily to keep their men happy, then they need to re-evaluate the relationship AND reevaluate their self esteem. Im all for a healthy sexual appetites in both men and women, but I’ll be damned I let the girls on the internet tell me I have to f&@k and suck to keep a mediocre (sexually and financially) man. I’ll pass.

[@Jansheff2010]

Some men r like that, Ill pass like u said. I agree with 99% of what she said. But I have to say that has been a thing cant say when it started or where but I remember people saying that to me.

[@BigFineDoll]

My husband is a elementary school teacher , I work in healthcare ... we be TIRED ... sometimes the sex is a blunt and and wrapping ourselves around each other ... comfort ... sex is amazing but those moments of comfort are everything.... all these hypersex narratives are bogus af

[@keyannab1735]

" Are you willing to have children with these men ?!" needs to become a sound 😭

[@HealingEraWithTricia]

I'm married we have ____ 0-3 a week. Factors that play into this are our mood, our stress level, my mental health, my cycle. It's always okay for either of us to say I don't feel like it

[@musically.obsessed13]

When you spoke of the branding of black love I started clapping in my room all by myself. There is such a need to commodify everything that so many people are tailoring their personas to be sellable in a relationship. It's not about whether this person can add intangible value to your life and you to theirs, its about do you make me look good and how can we get merch for this. It's so sad. It makes women like me want to stay single forever.

[@tatiancarrington7446]

Men don't release oxytocin when they orgasm, it's dopamine a hormone from the reward center of the brain. this explains why most men view sex as a sport or conquest or can have sex with someone and not love or like them. Women however, when she orgasms releases the hormone oxytocin, which is the attachment hormone, the same hormone is released when a woman gives birth and breastfeeds her baby. The caveat to this though is that 70% of sexually active women have never experienced an orgasm. A small percentage in that may be due to some physiological issue in a minority of women however, the larger percentile is due to men being selfish and lazy lovers. Interestingly though, when a man does love a woman just the thought of her or her smell and off course sexual interaction and affection with her causes the hormone oxytocin to be released.

[@alexismason419]

I literally was looking for this comment.

[@myisglim7801]

Men do release oxytocin though, just less than women. But you made a good point, if it’s seen as a reward it should earned and just not given as a obligation.

[@DrMathOfficial]

FUCKING INSANITY!!!!! Both men and women have the SAME body chemistry with the exception of estrogens and Testosterone. INCLUDING oxytocin!! And the fact that males have so much more testosterone (which makes men many times more TERRITORIAL and needing to have their woman all to himself), males SANE males even more monogamous, that is ...sane, non-perverted, non-sexually desensitized, men who are not male whores. It's OUTRAGEOUS the insane anti-science, anti-reality, things that people are now spreading and believing. All in attempts to make their MENTAL ILLNESSES, OEEVERIONS AND EVILS, be seen and accepted as normal and acceptable. INSANITY!!!!!!

[@DrMathOfficial]

@@myisglim7801 And you too are wrong. Men do not release less than women. And no he) she did not make a good point. You can't make a good point from false m, delusional information. All of you need to wake up from this insanity and get informed, FAST, before it's too late. Before you're destroyed via the consequences of being informed on these things.

[@lochofmceo]

100% of the women I have sex with have orgasms.That’s the whole point

[@edithandlez]

They sound like pick me’s, how you in a relationship and still a pick me 😂

[@nogodsnomasters6963]

cos of he cheats, she gets to keep blaming women for it (incl herself) :(

[@emixxixx3001]

That's not what a pick me is

[@KylaSaidSo]

I broke up with A guy for lack of lol. Come to find out he was stressed and going through a lot and it tanked his libido! I really hate how ppl spin it and make it seem like only men desire sex and women can go without! smh its all lies.

[@mesidye]

This right here !!!!!! ☝🏽

[@vonnii1013]

If men weren't trying to live up to that hype then it wouldn't be such a surprise when a man's libido slows down.....

[@CocoaBananas23]

I wish everybody shut up about relationship “advice”. It’s harmful. I think mostly for the youngins coming up it’s harmful. Even for some of the 25 and up club.

[@iamshesheisme8954]

The scamma staring wide eye at a random wall in an empty room brings laughter to my day 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@CocoChanelJonez]

Lol to literally notice she's in the room by herself is hilarious and genius! I saw this clip go "viral" and was annoyed by it. Mostly cause she's been all cap.

[@YourFaveScribe]

All cap and taking peoples' money.

[@SCFLEUR]

“Sex is very emotionally taxing” should be a sound bite

[@JoyJoysWorld]

She not even talking to anybody. She looking at a darn phone. She's werid and a scammer.

[@khlikb8796]

Thank you for the content ✨🤗!! Edit: ok I’m back after the video! I completely agree about how the need for performance & commodification of relationships has greatly impacted the dating landscape. As a married woman, my jaw DROPPED when the lady in the podcast basically alluded to having to guilt herself into having sex with her husband, as if it were another job she should be “honored” to perform. LOL I can only speak for my own personal experiences, but if a man values & respects you as his partner, he’s not even going to ASK for sex if he can see you had a bad day or long week. I agree that the “women with mics” are not as aloof or subservient as they appear-it’s all about the brand 🤔

[@buttaphly88]

Sidenote: the eyeliner is giving!!!

[@mahoganypeacesounds8730]

I’m cracking up at you saying “look at how great an actress she is” 😂😂😂 I saw this on Instagram and I really thought she was speaking to someone else.

[@Kluermoi]

WAITTTTTT!! She’s not talking to anyone else! Stop!!! Lmaooo Dana is WEIRD!!! Omg… I take calling her weird back…but it’s manipulative, like it makes it look like someone is interviewing her and she is just giving the best piece of advice.

[@DeAndraGraham-vl5qm]

I think the funniest thing about this is that conversation was with herself 😭😭

[@cnashford2]

I had no idea this channel even existed. 😅 Glad to be able to get even more Jouelzy content! Thanks, KZbin recommendations. 👍🏾

[@notanotherredpill8460]

What I need to know is, if she is so Christian why is she working outside of her home? I thought women were supposed to submit to their provider husbands? What makes it funnier is that the first clip is of a bread winner woman who put her husband on financially. Do not submit or have sex with men who are not selfless and available! And thank you for talking about how the female sex drive is not at all what they say it is. I can’t wait until my 30’s and 40’s when I’m ready to get down 24/7🥰

[@DeborahWalkerXOXO]

This is soo strange to me! A: if seggs with someone you love is a chore?! Babes! What is you DOING?! B: Her husband fully flim flammed her! The emotional bonds are made FOR WOMEN via seggs. A man can have seggs through a hole a wall. He is creating an unbreakable bond of her to him. Look at her outfit!? That woman does not feel cute AT ALL. C: she is misleading women by this advice. Supporting each other in relationship increases everyone's seggs drive. AND!! Men's ABILITY not just drive decreases with age. He can try to blame that on you changing, getting older etc. But the blood just can't make the journey! He doesn't need better stimulation he needs the gym...

[@hisbabylovestar]

I agree with your commentary whole heartedly. Sex with my husband is always mutually agreed upon and mutually wanted. We have no standard frequency. Furthermore intimacy in our relationship is way more than sex. Yesterday our intimacy was cleaning together, watching a movie and cuddling until we fell asleep. What happens when these women have health issues that prevent sex? Do they just get abandoned by their husbands?

[@joannamarieart]

Yes, yes, same! Intimacy is sooooo much more than just the act of sex! We're lucky to get to it once a week, with 4 young kids cockblocking at every turn 🤣🤣 But to answer your last question, yes, men actually do leave women with health issues at extremely high rates :/

[@smilergal89]

I think there is a cultural expectation to 'manage expectations' for lots of black women in diaspora communities especially as they get older. Many older women in my life and I have seen anecdotally in other ladies around me be told 'just pick anyone' don't be fussy' what's wrong with that one'. Now I'm not talking dusties but the accept the first one that seems interested and manage him rhetoric is real in West African diaspora communities.

[@ty.365]

Imma hand you some 🤮 lawd help em. In other countries it's so normal not to have sex for up to a year after given birth. In America these men act like they can't even wait the recommended six weeks. Women are willing to risk infection to keep their husband/boyfriend and they aren't healed mentally, emotionally or physically.

[@liyahmeridy7997]

I hate the sex conversation. If there's differences in libido, differences in what one considers intimacy, that needs to be talked about openly. But championing the idea that it is selfish to not have sex with your male partner in a hetero relation -- regardless of the reason -- is so toxic. That can lead one down a whole avenue of issues especially around body autonomy and advocacy. And arguably just as important is the sustaining belief that men are primarily sexual creatures, which they are not. We are immensely overdue on restructuring the conversation around men and sex as being almost synonymous, instead of sex and sexual desire being one component of your male partner.

[@MsKindra96]

THIS! This comment needs to be pinned at the top.

[@sf2892]

The irony is that majority of the people that make these salacious statements about relationships are often times ALWAYS single lol. Make it make sense. Also, I understand that historically the messaging to black women was not necessarily to partner with “dusties”, but often times black women have often been encouraged to partner with men who are struggling to get themselves together (financially) under the guise of “help a brother out”, “he has potential”, or “build him up” & that, as a whole, has not worked out well for black women. I don’t disagree with the hypergamy girls when they tell their audience to partner with men who are established.

[@daniellebryant5854]

This! I was going to say the historical bit was definitely interesting but in recent years I have definitely heard of Black women being encouraged to date down because their standards are too high. The message has been from Black men themselves and Black women (pick-me's) that empathize with them. Black men that are not rich realized that if Black women won't date them, who will? Because their preferences tend to not be accessible when they don't have money.

[@essiethebestie1]

I agree. When she said that I was like, "where have you been" It's literally apart of black American culture that black women are expected to date down and should accept that black men may not be able to offer her things that other men can offer their women. Ride or die, hold him down, feed his potential, speak life into him, build him up. And the good 'ol "if you want a man who already has his stuff together you're a gold digger, who wants to reap the benefits of his hard work without struggling with him." As of she isn't already established herself.

[@vonnii1013]

Word

[@pettiestofbettys]

I think the thing you missed with the messaging is that black women are pushed constantly to date within our own community and frequently discouraged Against dating outside. As it stands now with social currency and the way the statistics look... that is dating down as black men continue to fall behind in every social standing that we have . So inevitably you end up dating down while continuing to be forced into/trying to only date black. For an educated black female the dating pool is down

[@tamunosakiwestscott-bloack2229]

This false narrative of dating down is tiring. Ever since some census a few years ago ( probably outdated ) stated that black women were getting more degrees than black men, suddenly black women have been spinning this “ dating down “ trope. Okay you got more degrees. But they are mostly in useless courses and degrees that will never give you any financial advantage against the man who just simply did a masters in a stem subject or took on a trade. Black men earn more than you. You are the most indebted members of society. Take away the government jobs and government subsidies and housing and most black women actually have nothing but extensive consumer debt and student debt. Weird how during the pandemic it was the strong black woman who became the face of poverty, job loss. Evictions, debts etc You are not “ marrying down” You are not marrying at all.

[@tamunosakiwestscott-bloack2229]

What advantage has your education given you over an educated black male?

[@bdott1538]

@@tamunosakiwestscott-bloack2229 that’s not what she said. She said the pool of marriageable men for educated BW is smaller bc less BM get educations than BW.

[@pettiestofbettys]

@@tamunosakiwestscott-bloack2229 when did I mention. Any advantages. I said we have more social currency. While black women are 75% more likely to have a degree and 50% more likely to have graduated college... and people in the majority have noticed

[@pettiestofbettys]

@@bdott1538 thank you for the sense. I didn't think I wrote jibberish or anything

[@Lay__Loves]

LOL I cannot stand how Dana and Donnell set these videos up like someone is interviewing their scamming asses.

[@unerevuese]

The endocrinologists would drag that woman!!! Oxytocin is released by women to and its a response to ANY pleasure. I am upset honestly. Especially, as someone who has a higher sex drive than her husband. He also would not want to have sex if I am not up for it. Also, some people dgaf about sex because they are ACE! WTF!?!?!

[@myisglim7801]

Was looking for this comment, both men and women release it during sex but women release more oxytocin.

[@CCCC-fp5gw]

And yes, men do/can/will say NO to sex sometimes - they're tired, not in the mood, stressed or feeling some type of way .

[@Smile-ni9nc]

Oh baby as someone who is getting older, I can tell you the peen I encounter does not work as well as in my 20s

[@SuburbanKween]

That's why they be at the gas station for their dick pills. Too much p0rn Bad diet Poor fitness Poor communication assuming they talk

[@EspritsFantomes]

When my bf doesn't want to have sex, I'm not offended. Also anyone saying "God" did this and that, has ZERO credibility for me

[@lynnw2953]

"black women have never been encouraged to date down communally" i'm sorry but… huh? say what now? are we gone play this game?

[@JouelzyBFFR]

Yes, you're free to provide counter evidence of societal movements that encouraged Black women to date down.

[@125loopy]

I actually agree. I don't think any society has actually encouraged their women to date down. Everyone wants their daughters to marry well because that raises the status of the family. However, black women have always been encouraged to date BLACK which has resulted in a lot of women dating down. Men who make money tend to leave their communities so black women have been picking what's around them.

[@niax782]

@@JouelzyBFFR Are you ignoring the blk culture telling blk women to “build a brotha up” and “give a brotha a chance” ?? At every turn, blk women are encouraged to date down. Sure, no one says it explicitly, but that’s the logical conclusion. It’s a common trope. The successful, educated, blk women meets a bus driver that’s down on his luck. This trope is in most blk movies.

[@JouelzyBFFR]

​@@niax782 I don't watch Tyler Perry films so idk where we are pulling this trope from. Ethically employed Black men were advocated for. You cannot* (edit) run this argument outside of labor/economic history. The Black community is historically economically disadvantaged, so BW are at a disadvantage when marriage is positioned as a means to rise or secure social class. But dating a blue collar worker when you're a teacher is not dating down. Most partnering amongst Black ppl has been economically lateral at the onset.

[@niax782]

@@JouelzyBFFRI’m a little confused. Did someone mention Tyler Perry films? Maybe you’re responding to the wrong person 🦋

[@zee-zm1io]

3:33 God did what???? I can’t with this girl. Also, if these women were having good sex she wouldn’t be encouraging herself to have more to “please” her man.

[@lat7324]

Was feeling it until I wasn’t but disagree with the statement black women were not taught or suggested to date down. Without going back to the early Americas but moving more forward to the current: the “speak life into him,” “hold him down,” “ride or die,” “build him up,” “be his help mate,” “focus on his potential,” “money shouldn’t matter,” “stand by your man” these saying are not just “urban” low income or black church saying (but quiet as it’s NOT kept the latter is the majority of us lol) but overarching collective thought that are expanded throughout the diaspora. I don’t know too much about the Antebellum Black woman and what her community pushed in regards to a relationship with a black male but I know a lot about the 1950’s thru now black woman black male relationship expectations and collectively its not good. Things are slowly changing but offer black woman are told directly or otherwise that she should not think to highly of herself and get want she can get. How do I know? We see it represented in our community from those that don’t want to speak on their experiences but we can always just ask the question and listen. Unlike the Antebellum black woman, the 1950’s and forward black woman is still alive and if these black women are saying that collectively we were taught to “hold him down and lift him up” why not just listen, even if it’s not a representation of individual experiences or a representation of portions of our history.

[@toyaJM]

I wanna know what Bibles these type of women read because I have never ever read this ish in any of my Bibles 😂😅

[@gabrielafrancois7175]

Facts!!! I do think this is all for the likes and for the performance which is unhealthy for everyone involved!

[@ashlovestoshop]

I swear these people have never cracked a bible open in their lives! They’re just talking.

[@toyaJM]

@@ashlovestoshop exactly it’s frustrating because it makes believing in God sound foolish especially concerning relationships.

[@mayatau8606]

You are soo good at this. Unreasonably good I know you get alot of flack on socials about how you talk, and you judge yourself harshly about the trajecof your career on KZbin? But you are soooo good at this. I wish I had the English. Superb analysis

[@1991-present]

So true. She’s excellent.

[@2120musiclover]

That chick with her “science” was so fuckin hilarious

[@kamillebest5152]

I noticed some comments mentioning the fact that Black Women may not have been explicitly advised to date down but still have been encouraged to "help a brotha out" , "lift a brotha up", "look at the potential", so on and so forth. So now my question (I'm genuinely curious, especially about the history of this) is where did this rhetoric come from? Was it the dusties themselves who started it once they realized that most women were looking to marry up/marry out? Was it women who were drawn to the so-called "bad boys" and just settled for the bullshit that came along with that? So many questions.

[@JouelzyBFFR]

I did briefly touch on this in the video. It comes from the residue of Jim Crow lynching, union busting and the rise of drugs & crime. There were movements to counter the uptick in alcohol/drug use (you can look at the history of COGIC headquarter programming in Memphis) that advocated for a life of religious austerity and not be swayed by the glitz of Black secular life that was pathologized. Labor & economic history deeply impacts why and how any of the rhetoric came to be.

[@kamillebest5152]

Got it, thank you!

[@DreamJ3]

Thank you so much because I was concerned about the content that would pop up on my feed. I would literally have to do cognitive restructuring because I felt like my feed was trying to brainwash me. But Again thank you for this. I agree we need a series of this because I was all the way tuned in! Lol

[@yvvngmlaba]

where is that podcaster getting these facts and stats? show me the research paper, show me the receipts.

[@SuburbanKween]

These people are feckless and unresearched. I want them to go to college or a trade school, already 🤣

[@125loopy]

Girl! I would love to see what study she got her info from because that sounds like bs

[@Frwill126]

She’s a scammer just making up stuff to whoever would listen lol

[@cocofiere]

Out her a&$, just like everything in all her previous scams. If she and ole boy are "legally" married, it's probably so her can't testify against her in all the lawsuits. 😎

[@karissalogan9706]

You explained this so elegantly!!! my goodness!

[@anissa2361]

That lady is a scammer and I don't know why people still listen to her 🥴

[@jermainegrays]

I agree, it is a weird conversation. My girlfriend and I had a pretty stressful series of months last year and I wasn't wanting to have sex at all. It became this huge thing of trying to "fix" me but the whole time I'm saying the issues within the relationship are the root of the problem.

[@raquelrossiter5911]

Imagine losing your job and instead of having a partner comfort you and look after you, you feel obligated to act as his fleshlight asap or YOU are the one failing the relationship?? Wild 🙃🙃

[@gloriasimiyu5082]

She is not speaking to anyone??????? As a mental health practitioner, im interested.. what iteration of tiktok is this ?

[@PeukinsPoint]

LMAO it really does look like she's in an interview. Marketing!

[@alyaklove]

OMG THANK YOU! I was in a relationship with a man that was 5 years older than me when I between the ages of 20-24. The longer the relationship progressed, the less sex we were having.

[@LisaWatsonFilm]

I think it's interesting that you mention the black church as a proponent of marrying up when its often the black church who supports bad marriages in the name of keeping up appearances (among other things). I dont think religion is at all a historically good benchmark (more interesting too bc most black people are religious) for how to maintain good relationships. Half of the stuff these ppl are saying on these podcasts are simply either remnants of purity culture or nonsense people have told them about basically torturing themselves to keep some man happy.

[@ericadinerotv]

10:00 Jazzy and Cam: Yep!! I said they were displaying and sharing their Dom/Sub KINK relationship. It’s not anything outside of secs.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

The thing is.........I now think that the submission thing is Jazzy advertising for her next boyfriend/husband. Cam set the bar. Now she can find a husband, maybe not QUITE as rich as Cam, but MUCH better than a guy she would've had if she hadn't been with Cam Newton at all.

[@ChrisBrooks34]

This feels like a bourgeois conversation. And what I mean by that is that this conversation feels like something done by people with time, money access and leisure or people who aspire to that and project that. Cause it feels like people have way too much time on their hands and are coming up with foolishness.

[@astroHOBBES]

A conversation that affects all of us no matter the class, is somehow a bourgeois issue. Please stand up. It’s ok to challenge the status quo of hetero romance culture, esp amongst black Americans. We’ve been given enough generational trauma from our families making purely survival based choices so yes, let’s take the time to talk about it so we evolve in our interactions, not regress.

[@Inny_]

In Zambia mothering a man has historically existed to some extent.. We have a saying "these men are like babies"... So mothering has been a thing.

[@booksxbritttv]

So right. I grew up in the 90s and 2000s and I remember my aunts telling me and my girl cousins to go to Spelman and get us a Morehouse man. Even if we didn't go to Speman we were still encouraged to go to college and find a man there or a man in the field we wanted to be in doctor, pharmacy etc. May seem odd but even when our cousins started having children in their teens those who didn't was encouraged to find a good man, especially monetary. We were encouraged to hold those men down not Mr. Jonny who did day labor as a gig averse to having a real job. I think the conversation comes from women encouraging other women to fight for their marriage not necessarily date down. Cause my mama and aunts ain't never told me to marry none of the dusty menz I've dated.

[@Jbelovedson]

I’m crying. There’s no one in the room with her.😭

[@booksxbritttv]

I declare I really thought she was talking to another person every time I saw that clip 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@em4001]

Yea it’s weird because she could just talk to the camera like everyone else does

[@marq1458]

Please please keep these coming. I love the last one about the break down of how the music industry works. I love music but know nothing about the business and many facets, so hearing your knowledge was so refreshing. Then this, digging into the ACTUAL history or the plight of American Black women and just American history , love this. Thank you❤

[@iateyursandwiches]

7:54 why don't men get us in the mood then? 🤔 why does she have to do it herself or just "lay there and take it"

[@qoqocure0]

Enjoyed the video! I came across both videos on insta and they're disappointing to watch/hear as a black woman. Like ladies "Is this your King!?" They give me... pick me bit*h vibes. No one is bustin it wide open that many times a week unless they're unemployed😗. I have been married for 13 years now, and honey ...... I don't know what they talking about. Seem like their relationships are just build on sex alone, minus the respect.

[@macummings7818]

🫢😆

[@maggievada4797]

Husbands do better in general when that connection with the wife is strong and consistent OUTSIDE the bedroom. She (we) in turn pleases him more naturally in various ways. Non sexual peace and connect produces BETTER sex for him. (borh) 🔥😳😊☺

[@estrellamartin9923]

I needed to see this. This is a good one, thank you👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@Sparklove1]

This video was excellent, also I don't know where I've been but I just found out about this second channel.

[@meljesticlife9622]

I remember the sprinkle of Jesus scammer

[@shellygarland8766]

I think @11:30 may be a bit of lightskinned privilege. Dark skinned black women are and were always encouraged to date any man that would be desperate enough to have them. Theres also a level of scarcity that feels like its being ignored in terms of the Americas when it comes to black partnering in there olden days.

[@shellygarland8766]

And if this is true, we gotta ask ourselves when the mindset of “at least i got a man” got so popular. I’m only 25 but ik having s man vs not having one period was a sign and level of status for women at least 100 years back

[@JouelzyBFFR]

At that point, I'm referencing historical research, it's not an anecdotal remark on my own experience so idk how that is reduced to me being lightskin. There has always been a social currency around partnering. And people will use whatever facet of that currency they can tap into to validate their self-worth. "At least I got a man," is derived from living in a patriarchal society that says having a husband will secure your socio-economic status and safety in society. We talk alot of about lynching during Jim Crow, but Black women were very actively being sexually assaulted/raped during that period and the courts ruled it could be not be a crime bc Black women are not women. We can acknowledge that colorism informed DSBW that they couldn't marry into high society but pushing unemployed, formerly-incarcerated men on to them?

[@shellygarland8766]

​@@JouelzyBFFR ok. the way it was worded at that bit the historical research part wasn't clear for me. im not necessarily disagreeing with everything you're saying, i feel like what im saying and what you are for your reply are still true. there has always been social currency around partnering. women could not actively criticize men in the jim crow era without consequences of violence when choosing partners, as literally any man would be better socio economically than non when women could not have their own access to money easily. whether married or not, yes black women were getting assaulted, especially factoring in sex as a duty vs sex as an act of enjoyment. sure, dsbw could not marry into high society, but i just dont see how men of any status of non high society was not being pushed on bw across the Americas. im hoping there will be a follow up on this particular part of the video cause its not clicking for me. maybe maybe a lot of incriminated black mn went without partnering (but i doubt it when black people knew jim crow laws were irrational- getting arrested for sitting in public and being deemed vagrant; looking at white ppl wrong, etc), but like its not such a strict binary on the black folks that existed class wise. cant be no king without commoners. i just feel like bw were taught these "femininity skills" for not just "high value" mn, but any man even if high value would be the more desirable partner.

[@shellygarland8766]

@@JouelzyBFFR relistening, i think i do understand. women were not told and encouraged to date dusties, but i would moreso say women were encouraged to get a man, and as consequence from the social currency of being partnered, a secondary effect may have been dating dusties if it means being partnered out of a scarcity mindset of at least its something vs nothing because the best (and possibly even decent level) is not as achievable to get or find.

[@sparklycrone]

Say you've never been satisfied by your husband without saying it. If you're looking at sex as a chore,a few things are occurring. Either you only ever had bad sex, you're not actually sexually attracted to your partner, or you're asexual. The way our puritanical training well have us just tying ourselves into knots instead of actually solving the problem

[@nailboy7370]

Probably would be a good idea to just stay away from men and relationships. Men are never going to get it right. And the more you try and help the worse things get. So why don't you just save yourself the trouble. There are other things in life to explore.

[@lemonaidebey6190]

I love the history dropped debunking black women were always pushed to date dusties. Those divestor women are obsessed with black people ironically and will distort history to get more followers

[@ToriUptown]

we are NOT okay lmao send help

[@downbytheC]

the soundbite is at the end, for sure! the heterosexuals are caping for $$$

[@mahoganypeacesounds8730]

I didn’t realize Jazz was talking about CAM NEWTON!! Wowwwwwwwwwwwww

[@cocofiere]

Me either! It explains why she stopped doing comedy on IG. Now, I'm over here wondering if he still has his "harem"...😎😂

[@dyonne0216]

Do you have any reading suggestions? I'm interested in how you walked us through the historical context of BW & partnership

[@JouelzyBFFR]

Just abt any history text on African American women. Tera Hunter’s To Joy My Freedom, would be a good start. It’s an overview of working class women in Atlanta 1865-1930. Has a chapter on the evolution of social clubs.

[@NiomiBlossom]

11:42 You cannot be serious. I can think of plenty of references that say otherwise

[@JouelzyBFFR]

Discuss them, please.

[@Jojo-tf2zp]

I've been thinking this more and more with these conversations...I just have to wonder do ya'll talk to men?? Like actually talk to them because sometimes I truly don't know.

[@SuburbanKween]

Hi. I don't get the question. The video is about performative relationships and how they're harmful to straight folks.

[@Jojo-tf2zp]

@@SuburbanKween Agreed! I suppose my question was directed to the women in those preformative relationships who express those views about men.

[@SuburbanKween]

@@Jojo-tf2zp It's so terrible because I wonder how honest men are being with each other. Being grown is tiring so getting it in everyday and mimicking p0rn actors ain't possible 🤭🤭🤭

[@jericothompson8636]

@@Jojo-tf2zp they dont. The average woman has NEVER had an honest conversation with a man that wasn’t online. People lie and put up facades online everyday. Hard to fake face to face interactions.

[@clodia1834]

She’s making it seem like it’s an interview. Smh! The scammer is scamming lmfao

[@jordynn3340]

Love the BFFR intro btw

[@JouelzyBFFR]

Thank you!

[@snowieskiesabove]

You make me so much smarter as a Black woman. Thank you 🤎

[@HappinessTheBrand]

Thank you thank you thank you thank you. Group think be havin us in a chokehold.

[@BC-ry2lx]

Was that an ad?? Lmaooo

[@shanigan8949]

That first video clip sounds soooo fakeeeeee…like why is she talkin like that to a walll… lololol😂

[@UnpopularAdvisor]

It would’ve been nice if Dana’s husband was there to speak.. she’s the mouth piece of the relationship

[@productioninquiry8937]

If Black women aren't encouraged to date down, communally, who's writing all this R & B music? Also, if Black women were being told not to couple with dark-skinned men, why do dark-skinned people still exist? 🤔

[@thomasinadaley5613]

I STRONGLY dislike Dana Chanel, borderline hate to be honest.

[@vonnii1013]

My thoughts I am over this shit.....too many men justify why women should have sex on demand by saying if u won't some1 else will....we as a society have really subscribed to this.....men bother me with this!!! Sex bartering comes n sooo many forms.... I just seen 2 virtual convos based around this convo and I have seen too many men and some women encouraging cheating cause their partners sex drive has slowed down or stalled.....its crazy...like a from comments have mentioned I am losing interest in men because I can't deal with all this shit we are expected TO DO and they get a pass TO NOT HAVE TO DO I like this commentator....I like when we look at beginning of how things started and why we are here .....there is always that cause and effort we like to not talk about due to we are looking for some1 to blame

[@shortyduwhop319]

Dana Chanel needs an eval and an Ativan

[@cocofiere]

She needs to go to jail.

[@Brea31]

I'm sorry was that woman even married that you did the clip of? Cuz I'm sorry I've been married I've divorced a husband and I've dated in this world and men think they're entitled they think that we can do everything that they can do plus more and they get to do the bare minimum of going to work scratching their balls and asking for sex no I need to be stimulated as well because in the end all you do is two things I do 100 things

[@sobbos8975]

I can’t believe Kita 😂😂😂 I feel like she’s usually on point

[@elizamack4512]

We good. 😂😂. You ain’t lying at all. Our tired sex be the best kind. I don’t what these ladies talking about.

[@LoLIIama]

Hashtag IM NOT YOU “CIS” please stop saying this

[@JouelzyBFFR]

Or just stop watching my videos if you want to hold onto bigotry

[@ALABRASILIANA]

Speaking truth