Key Ingredients to the Life of an Unfaithful Spouse

[@teegholston964]

You hit the nail on the head with this one. Sad to say, my 31 year marriage came to an end after several affairs(5 confirmed and so many more in question) and it was because of these behaviors. We started out doing counseling, I have continued thru the process. These videos have been the most essential in my recovery. They have given me insight, boundaries, goals and guidance. Thank you for what you are doing.

[@pandora3w]

This is a great video! As a betrayed spouse- I would add one thing- actually a clarification. If the unfaithful is accountable to another person- it must ALSO include the betrayed. Example- my husband came to me then left after I learned of his affair. He admitted he “screwed up” to my family and mutual friends 1000 miles away from me- but it seems it was done to draw pity because I NEVER knew he talked To them and I received horrible calls on how he was ashamed, accountable, sorry, etc yet never even called me! Walked out in the middle of the night and once again went to them- yet never even let me know he was safe or where he was. Then suddenly I was the horrible Person... accountability must be genuine and open- or am I wrong! Thank you Samuel.

[@soletsgo1232]

Same here told everyone but me the bare minimum of his affair should be affairs by dozens. He wanted pity and like he was hero for admitting to them he did wrong.

[@eileenchuck]

Cowardly behavior. I saw the same in my 32 year marriage. So many secrets…so much “unsafe behaviors and talk” in the end. Wish I had heard this then…not 12 years later…I had to learn the difficult way….😢

[@ericagonzalez6387]

Thank you for speaking about the fear these things incite in the betrayed. I felt that deeply

[@jenefecristobal6328]

i now understand why my husband cannot stop from the affair... and now i finally decided to let him go, i cannot bear seeing him happy with the other woman, i just cant take it anymore, its more than heartbreaking... 😢

[@phabeondominguez5971]

Ouch.. it's been 10months, how you doing now?

[@Sg-gs]

Me too

[@bossco]

1. Unteachable vs Teachable 2. Inconsistent vs Consistent 3. Unintenionable vs Intentional 4. Accountable to other people Thank you for this video.

[@terrywade3696]

bossco Sorry, you missed one. The #2 was Confront-able vs. Combative. Followed by Inconsistent & the others. But thank you for listing them.

[@ericabellavia8154]

Wow! Thank you for all you do!!! Even when it hurts to hear, it’s always right! Thank you for the constructive criticism! You do it with love and understanding! I am forever grateful for the time you all put into this♥️

[@collierchristianacademy1853]

Pride has no place in our lives...So true... Proverbs- “pride comes before a fall.”

[@MrsToyiaboo]

Omg! "I know what I need to do, I just need to do it." I've heard those same words countless times wow!

[@tabemiriam9800]

Thank you so much Samuel. I'm the betrayed and your videos help me alot. I liked this idea of being accountable

[@kimberlygreidanus5639]

Absolutely love these key Ingredients...my husband still is in pride thinking he has to do anything and waiting for me to move back home

[@shaheendey6691]

Kimberly Greidanus - I’m in the same situation as you, my husband hasn’t even acknowledged that he made a mistake, he says he hasn’t done anything wrong and will not apologise. It’s two yrs now and we’re no way near even talking about the affair, every time I want to talk to him he says its all his fault always and just walks away..!? He has too much pride and ego/arrogance, I just feel like I’m wasting my time waiting on him to someday open up and do something - he has just closed up and hoping things will calm down and go back to normal 😳 how I don’t know? 😒 I keep getting triggers and pain etc.. some days it’s hard to cope. Maybe I should just move on? It’s just so so frustrating! 😡 he isn’t even trying to save the marriage!! We’ve been living separately for two yrs! Am I wasting my time Simon?

[@djuanaberuk9908]

@@shaheendey6691 I just read this and I know this was posted a year ago. Your situation is similar to mine. How are things for you now?

[@ifreedmymind]

@@shaheendey6691 just curious How your marriage turned out. I hope it did.

[@ifreedmymind]

@@djuanaberuk9908 I’m in the same situation. Have things turned out good over the last six months?

[@dttwelve4297]

Thank you for this video. I will watch many times.

[@tree3424]

Divorce was my only option. He wouldn't stop. But how do you create distance when there is a child involved? He hit me in the head with a damp dishtowel a few days ago. It was only a dishtowel, but it stung the side of my face and the rage behind his action was the scariest. It's been hard enough to forgive him once, he never stops so I make him leave, and now he's turning into an abuser. I think this man hates me. And I know I don't deserve this. I don't yell at him. I don't throw it in his face, but I have questions he won't answer. I feel like a lost lamb.

[@samshealingpodcast]

hi there. i'm so sorry. that sounds so awful and painful to deal with. if divorce was your only option have you filed? why is he still in the house if you all are divorced? it sounds like you need to protect yourself and expedite the divorce proceedings and look into your rights legally.

[@utahcindy4114]

I had an emotional affair because he gave me attention I was craving. He said things to me my husband wasn't willing to say. Things I desperately needed to hear like you are pretty, smart, etc. I told my husband i needed him to hug me or touch me. When I told my husband that I needed to get these things from him, he said he just couldn't do it. He is not wired that way. That broke my heart. So when someone came along who was willing to say those things, I soaked it up like a sponge. I regret it. It caused so much damage to me in the end. My hubby forgave me but I'm having a terrible time forgiving myself. It's been 3 years and I still haven't healed. I live with so much shame and regret.

[@LisaCulton]

You shouldn't regret it. You deserve love and attention and not to feel ignored. Your husband is the one who should be apologizing to you for the neglect. How can you heal when you're constantly around someone who isn't fulfilling your needs?

[@phabeondominguez5971]

D@m.. that was a powerful read.. wow! It's been 5 months now, how are you holding up and feeling now?

[@sarahalderman3126]

16 years later for me as well hun… while I am ashamed for what I did, how I went about it, how I went about meeting my unmet needs etc I do feel I should encourage you to seek some emotional help via a counselor or support group. Staying with a partner that refuses to attempt to meet our needs is a recipe for disaster. I know it is terrifying but you really must either draw a boundary line or separate and move on. Both partners need to be willing to at least try.

[@jerryperez5300]

Look up Limerence. You will thank me.

[@LA-1969]

Well, due to my husband's affair with a woman needing attention like you, I'm now afraid I'll do the same. He wasn't an attentive husband to begin with and seeing he gave it to someone else is extremely hurtful. I hope the woman that intruded on my marriage feels the same way as you. She knew I was onto her from the beginning and he lent a hand to her, sadly.

[@nancychhin3069]

...exactly what I've been waiting for from him.❤

[@shaunabee]

These are great tools, thanks always!

[@rebeccamays7148]

What is "vital" for a good relationship, is to never go to the bar....esp. W/o your spouse.

[@ladylove34]

You cannot decide what is acceptable for another couple. He didn't cheat at the bar, and his wife clearly didn't find the bar to be unsafe. However, for other couples, the bar is ABSOLUTELY not okay and completely unsafe. Every situation is not the same, and there are different types of cheaters.

[@raydurka]

Absolutely LOVE this message! Yes, yes, and yes; on all counts of this. This is what I (the betrayed) am looking for... longing for... Step up and DO the work... I'm doing mine; I'm learning to see that there is another side ii this, I'm willing to do my part; bit YOU have to do yours. Thank you so much for these videos and the work that you do. Light & Love to you! 🌟 & ❤️

[@ericagonzalez6387]

Thank you for these truths!

[@fancigirl711]

I have a couple of questions for the crew:) BUT First, I would like to say Thank you for saving me and giving my husband a new lease on life. Today is especially exciting because I just signed up for harboring hope!!! Question 1) Do you recommend polygraphs after disclosure? Question 2) Secondly in our situation the addiction was present from day 1 of us meeting thru dating and into marriage up into a month ago. I feel like everything was fake and a fraud and nothing was real, because our conversations were one state of thinking but actions were different behind my back. This has caused many fights please explain what's going on with us and give me some peace of mind:)

[@samshealingpodcast]

hi there. certainly believe in lie detectors being used when necessary. it's normal to experience what you're feeling. it's a lot of shock and awe and overwhelming emotion. some call that and the feeling you're experiencing betrayal trauma. make no mistake about it trauma is real and it hurts like hell, but you can get through it. i would consider EMDR or ETT by someone in your area.

[@juiceknot]

WOW! She failed every one of the suggestion. She has no friends, hates confrontation, nobody to hold her accountable, does no recovery work. She’ll never change. Good luck to her and her 22 yr old affair partner, that lives with his illegal girlfriend and her mother. My ex is probably the same age as the girl’s mother. My ex is 44yrs old.

[@milomazli]

Amazing video!! And super great, funny (and hilariously accurate) insights!

[@pdpode8978]

Lying about big and small things

[@royalvictory88]

Can anyone really make someone else feel safe? Am I not the only person who can creat the way I feel inside?

[@melodyvoss]

Oh my goodness, I was first curious to see if my spouse might have something on this list. Now I'm seeing he has all of these (in a negative way). SMH.

[@NoMoreRatRaceForMe]

GOOD JOB ON THE HIM OR HER. I don’t always hear that.

[@mikebaker6804]

I have been seeking guys to be accountable with for years. "Christian" men are too busy playing Church to actually take time to invest in real life.

[@samshealingpodcast]

try this course mike: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing

[@mikebaker6804]

@@samshealingpodcast Thanks, checking out some of your free resources.

[@CaToRi-]

Mike Baker - totally agree!

[@pdpode8978]

Overcoming Infidelity how does my husband find accountable guys that get this stuff and mentors. He has none. He’s never tried either.

[@SuperNicolewilliams]

My husband has no one to hold him accountable.

[@gloriousjohnson1807]

: You don't? WHO then?😮

[@peytonjonesguillory6764]

What is the Betrayed partner has no close friends he has shared his betrayal with.. he has no one he is really being accountable to...

[@samshealingpodcast]

it's tough. it's challenging and incredibly isolating for the betrayed. i would ask them to do the harboring hope course here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope i would ask them to get help somewhere so that you both can heal. if they choose not to, you can't force them, but you can support them and stand by them for as long as you feel you can. it's devastating to be betrayed and it's filled with incredible shame. perhaps a group of fellow survivors like harboring hope will help them???

[@ndkskwbbuekfbsgsuwkneje]

I feel hopeless then!

[@efthimios]

My wife became unfaithful and I’m trying to make her see our marriage again but I’m failing.. praying a lot and hoping

[@samshealingpodcast]

it's very typical my friend. you both will need expert help and third party help as she's not going to be able to hear you objectively. here's a video on that thought: kzbin.info/www/bejne/j5PdlYKKq86oeKs

[@danaaustin582]

Samuel, I would love to be able to get in contact with you. Im about to lose my husband and im struggling to make him feel, cared for, loved, and that im not lying to him.

[@samshealingpodcast]

you're welcome to email [e-mail] and ask them to send it to me. i'm only able to read brief email though.

[@stephaniewilliams0]

How are things going now?

[@sarahalderman3126]

Idk I am not sure that is the fault or vulnerability of the betrayed that they can not value the few things that the uf do right or do that show they value the relationship. I think that many betrayed do value those things, like keeping a good job, being financially responsible/reliable, taking care of the house, family obligations etc, but those things especially if they’ve never been a consideration before or are easily managed via resources can be replaced. But the trust that married is founded or based on can not be replaced. In the midst of this trauma those easily remedied things are not important, at least not as important as what has been destroyed or never present to start.

[@laurenholdeman5715]

What are the cost of recovery?

[@VanessaSimon26]

18 years of sexless marriage. He is an intimacy anorex. The pain in this marriage has been brutal. We both don’t trust each other especially after one month of being with another man that’s when he said I will change. I had asked him thousands of time let’s get help because I have married and alone. Neglected over and over again. With phrases like “ I am not built that way. I M Not the man for you” Now is getting recovery help for sexual anorexia. I don’t how to heal my heart. and he can’t past the other man. How do we do this. Please help.

[@roamingwiththemilligans]

I am felling at this on my own

[@AnaBananaM28]

Hi Samuel! Currently going through the hardest decision ever, can you direct me or give me your advice on how to handle a child from an affair , the DNA test is getting done this week or next we don’t know for sure yet but everything points out that the baby is my husband’s. At this point I’m not so sure if I want to stay married. Thank you!

[@samshealingpodcast]

it's completely understandable. it will take serious accountability and boundaries to make it work. both parties will have to be willing to abide by these boundaries. i've seen people do it and it's hard, but i've also seen people walk away. it will require expert help as well as i would not try and do this on your own. a woman named cyndi beall wrote a book about her experience with this type of situation. i believe you can find it here: www.amazon.com/gp/product/0736943153/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0 if he's not willing to be all in in terms of boundaries and safety, then it will be extremely difficult to find safety for you and your own healing. if he's all in and is willing to do what it takes, it's more than possible.

[@nadinemartinez1308]

We're going thru the same thing...the dynamics seem impossible but where there is love friendship and respect the trust will grow back...your relationship will never be the same but the same foundations are there

[@danaaustin582]

@@samshealingpodcast im also the unfaithful spouse, but my situation is a little different because mine wasn't physical or really intentional, I dont really like saying that because I dont want to come off like im not taking ownership of my actions. My husband is ready to walk out the door after dealing with this for 9 months. I really need help. Ive been watching your videos and they are really helpful but I struggle with issues dealing with the fact that mine wasn't physical. Anyway we can communicate so I can get some advice?

[@Topi778]

Any updates on this situation as I am currently going through this.

[@dolly2809]

Just learned my husband has a 43 year old and three grand children. After 46 years he won’t protect me. Has literally planned taking all our money to another country so I can get it.

[@anitasmith449]

Wow!...as I was listening to you I could hear the same words as though they were coming from my husband. As a former pastor with a huge history of addiction his fear and pride keep him isolated. He believes he needs no one's help. He has NO male friends, although there are a couple who have tried to keep in touch with him. My husband is currently, maybe living with the 'other person'. I have heard as the betrayed we shouldn't send emails or videos to our unfaithful because it looks like we're being manipulative, but you're a 'regular guy' who I think he would listen to. In his heart he knows what he's doing is wrong, and I believe he truly wants our marriage, but his fears eventually override his conviction and he runs. Would it be constructive to send him this video?

[@samshealingpodcast]

sure, give it a try. ask him to reach out as well and i'll see if i can help. i get it. i know it's awful. who knows, maybe he will be receptive to it.

[@alisachaney3839]

How can I help my H stop having dreams about the A? He doesn't sleep through the night because the thoughts of what I've done haunts him.

[@samshealingpodcast]

he may need to seek treatment through EMDR or ETT which are forms of treatment for trauma. they are excellent but require a trained professional with experience.

[@wizardofahhhs759]

I never asked details about the intimacy between my wife and the other guy, it's irrelevant, but I still have trouble making love to her. I think it's still too early in the repair/healing stage.

[@freerickbriones1475]

Alisa how is he now? Did he recover?

[@freerickbriones1475]

@@wizardofahhhs759 how are your relationship with your wife now?

[@roamingwiththemilligans]

How do I speak with you in private

[@samshealingpodcast]

you can email [e-mail] and ask them to send it to me.

[@theexoticalaspielady]

It took long to get to these things

[@samshealingpodcast]

yah i agree, i get long winded at times. apologies.

[@morganfalkdesigns]

I want the information, and I really want my spouse to hear it, but I don’t think I can keep listening to the lead up

[@lisadee0276]

Morgan Falk I can see why some people just want him to get to the point. Personally, I think all of his insight is helpful and it creates confidence that he really “gets it,” from the perspective of the unfaithful but also from the hurt spouse. And most of us can relate to the personal experience he shares and feel validated. I also feel like explanations and examples help to clarify what exactly it looks like to implement these ingredients and why they are necessary. I find any and all insight Samuel provides for both spouses to be extremely valuable.

[@agoodgurl2k]

Hopeless.