“Childless behaviour” unpacking the Spinster slander | Khadija Mbowe

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Mother & Wife, or Single w/ pets? Maybe it's not necessarily a spinster era but...it's not ...not...*squints*
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Some reads
“She’s like a woman for Trump”: House of the Dragon showrunners on Alicent
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Alicent Vs Rhaenyra Fight Scene House Of Dragon Episode 7
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Biopsychosocial model
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House of the Dragon Just Created a New Mad Queen - But It's Way More Tragic
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[@KhadijaMbowe]

A lot more people are letting me know they haven't been seeing my new uploads. Apart from changing thumbnails and titles I can't make KZbin recommend my videos to y'all. However, if you do wanna see the latest ones, turn on your notifications or just check the channel every Sunday. In the meantime, here are my recent uploads... What's with all the Nostalgia? | Khadija Mbowe kzbin.info/www/bejne/oqOue4KJbJedq8k Stans: The perk and price of celebrity | Khadija Mbowe (Live) kzbin.info/www/bejne/e2irZHqIZcSZd9k Dragons aren’t real *whispers* but your racial bias is…😬 Khadija Mbowe (Live) kzbin.info/www/bejne/gaTEmZ16fsx8n7s

[@leoniemills4918]

KZbin has changed the algorithm AGAIN because 85% of videos I see on my homepage are channels I am not subscribed to.

[@ceulgai2817]

People really need to start using that subscriptions tab....

[@KhadijaMbowe]

@@leoniemills4918 omg same!! I thought it was just me

[@theirnameiscole]

I’m thankfully still getting your new uploads popping up in my feed! ❤️

[@58209]

@@ceulgai2817 honestly the subscriptions page isn't as useful as it used to be in the old youtube days. if you're subscribed to lots of channels, variety channels, or anyone on the subscriber chase, it becomes absolutely cluttered.

[@SandraNyamu]

Calling me “Selfish” for not having kids is just not the insult they think it is

[@qure9128]

I deadass cry laugh when people say that.

[@annabeinglazy5580]

@Sam S the funniest bit is, saving the Planet "for the Kids" obviously hasnt worked. I mean.... Climate Change has been a topic since the 80s. I was Born in 93. Have my parents become Eco Warriors to save the Planet for me and my sister? Hell nah. My dad jokes instead how He doesnt have to Care because He wont be around when sh*t goes down. So yh, If Kids Made people more Eco conscious, we would have collectively fixed stuff a WHILE ago

[@bloop6111]

Oof same. “Selfish?” Towards who? A hypothetical child who doesn’t even exist? Like… what 😂

[@imFUNsized20]

Like duh that’s the whole point, I want to be all about self hence why I don’t want kids. Lmao it’s truly a compliment 😌

[@luna-p]

@@bloop6111 I've selflessly saved countless lives! Cuz any kid I had I would end up dead.

[@MarieJesne]

My favorite auntie is a "spinster" and she has led a very fulfilling life. She is now in her 70s and things are winding down a bit but nowhere near stopping. I have so much love and admiration for the way she has lived on her own terms. She has nieces, nephews, godchildren, and many other people who care deeply about her. Her personality puts anyone at ease and she has the best laugh and smile. Family is not just offspring and spouse.

[@m.josena4485]

I’m using this as one of my examples to my mother (she claims that since she’s never seen a woman childless and old that is happy, she says that I cannot be 🙄)

[@SierahtheDaring]

This is so inspiring

[@ripandraid]

I like the term "unattached singleton" over spinster (too porny) for bachelor/ettes that ain't on the married train.

[@dianamerchant1026]

That is my absolute goals in my life!

[@gabriellef3351]

Our culture really struggles with the concept of a woman spending her efforts on herself. It's basically taboo for her to spend her life independently and free of control.

[@LoveK1]

People really have a problem with women who don’t choose to spend their time pouring into everyone who comes in contact with her. They think our whole existence and sense of fulfillment should come from taking care of people. Uh, no.

[@KateeAngel]

Yeah they also assume if a woman doesn't want or cannot have biological kids, she at least should adopt or do anything for her relatives' kids or someone else's. Otherwise her life is useless. That is such a pervasive belief

[@whatsonhermindblog123]

THIS THIS THIS and THIS. When you said people do NOT LIKE to see a woman spending her efforts on herself and herself alone people really get big mad. I have noticed this. You have to be taking care of somebody, be it a brother, mother, grandmother, cousin, or whatever. People expect it even more if you don't have kids. It's so trash

[@MISSMADISONMEDIA]

You hit the nail on the head

[@MISSMADISONMEDIA]

How dare you exist as a woman without giving another person all your time and your entire soul?!

[@Xenawarriorprince]

Whenever people tell me I'm "selfish" for not wanting kids I just respond with "well its a good thing I don't have kids then, because selfish people make terrible parents ☺️"

[@espeon871]

Fr

[@LifeofDayy]

Perfect response to such an asinine statement.

[@AJ-cq5pw]

I told my sister I didn’t want to have kids and that the idea of taking care of someone for 20 years of my life was just not ideal for me and she called me selfish. And it’s just never made sense to me, like just because you have kids it doesn’t automatically make you some kind of saint. Lots of parents are selfish and have kids for all the wrong reasons. Not everyone wants to spend half their life taking care of people. People act like having a baby is not a big deal. It honestly goes back to the abortion thing I feel. Having an abortion for some people is a much bigger life decision than having a baby when in reality it’s the other way around. I also think some people who have kids and are struggling are annoyed by people who have decided to opt out of that struggle, like “how dare you not suffer like me?”

[@holigatis7588]

So many people have kids for selfish reasons, because it inconvenient for them to go on birth control, because their friends are having babies, to keep a so, to take pictures on social media, for inherence, etc. I really don't like when people with kids ct like they are so morally superior when we see behind their bs.

[@mariasimone4141]

100 % a friend of mine tried to convince her friend not to have an abortion but then this individual who was doing the convincing against the abortion ended up getting an abortion themselves 1 month later. So basically she wanted to see her friend struggle like her as she already has 1 child.

[@spamzillaaa1060]

Misery loves company! 😆 People should not have kids if they don't want to.

[@AJ-cq5pw]

@@spamzillaaa1060 exactly and I don’t understand how people will try to urge someone to have kids when they don’t want them. Like why would you want to force them to do something they don’t want to do?

[@Tru1Tani]

That last part! I've had to end a couple (luckily for me only a couple) friendships because I decided not to have children. They were upset that I wasn't going to be a parent with them. Like why aren't you making my child's future husband/wife!? Why are you not birthing my child's future best friend?! Um...no thanks.

[@ngtskynebula]

"Being raised and socialized as a girl, you learn pretty early on that you exist... for others." Damn, that hurt.

[@theflyingspaget]

Is that exclusive to girls? I'd always figured that everyone is taught that. Children are accessories/trophies to their parents, a worker a tool for their boss, a spouse an extension of their significant other. Are we not all tied and bound to the whims of others? Don't we all just answer to whoever is meaner or stronger or smarter than you?

[@ngtskynebula]

@@theflyingspaget I do think you have half a point, but the weight is much heavier for AFAB people. That's what I got from the video, and that's what I think, too. Children... for the moooost part, yes, children aren't seen as humans, as people with valid feelings, opinions and concerns, but AMAB children kinda get to unlearn that when they go through the adolescent phase, y'know? Whereas AFAB children are expected to keep being subservient for the rest of their lives. So, in that way, if you're socialized as a woman (if you're AFAB), the "logical" pathway is for you to serve others. Try being AFAB and have the audacity to want to control your life! Oh, how unthinkable! How dare they!

[@unknown..66..99]

@@ngtskynebula yeah

[@seagurl9369]

yeah that also hits me harder than i originally thought it would b. similar meaning as having women to... serve and care for anyone, really. women equals to always caring... makes me think that some men choose their spouses similar to their mothers...

[@dianamerchant1026]

Yeah. I don’t have children but ended up caregiving for my father, stepmother and my grandmother. So stills feels like I have them in the long run.

[@Grace_Zandile97]

" psychologist once said its a selfish decision to have children and also a selfish decision not to have children ". Whatever decision you make, it's for you.

[@Nerd_Girl_1412]

Several years ago I got a lil too tipsy during Thanksgiving and spilled the beans to my family that I'm never having kids after having to babysit 8 (now 10) nibblings. Most of my sisters were like "whatever , you do you" but my one sister brought up the arguments of "you're too young, you might change your mind" "it's different when it's your own kids" and my absolute FAVORITE "well what if your future husband wants kids? you'll need to compromise" Like hon, if this so called future husband wants kids, then he ain't gonna be my husband 😂

[@Nasipecel_pedes_pol]

And don't forget about weirdass biological clock remarks 🙄 yeah lmao i hope its ticking as quickly as possible

[@bellablue5285]

Oh I love the future-husband-wanting-kids stance. Like no, of course let me continue to suffer daily on the off chance some random dude comes along while I'm still young enough to get pregnant, I totally should delay health/job/living/whatever other experience on something which has less of a chance happening than winning the lotto 🙄

[@sal_7074]

Yeah, I feel like the child thing would have been brought up long before you get married. If not then that's irresponsible and dumb tbh. Everyone should have that talk pretty early in the relationship.

[@bellablue5285]

@@Nasipecel_pedes_pol weirdly I think that's the only version I personally haven't gotten, which, given I've always looked older than I am and my hair started going salt and pepper at 16, I kind of expected to by now? Which is an entirely weird thought as well tbh

[@mandisaw]

Long-term relationships can develop such that opinions change on the kids issue, although I disagree with the "you will *have* to compromise" bit. It is definitely a conversation folks should have upfront, but you'll want to revisit it over time and make sure you're on the same page. It can go both ways - when we met, my late hubby & I were keen on adopting once we got financially stable. But after the recession delayed the money-side, he fell ill/disabled such that adoption was no longer possible. So we ended up trying the pregnancy route for yrs, despite both originally being against it. [Fun fact: even when you're a widow, folks still ask if you want kids, and when you're gonna marry 🙄] Point being, life is complicated, so it *is* possible that your POV may change over time - but it's no one's business, and certainly not required by virtue of being married/partnered.

[@singularity___]

Both "childless" and "fatherless" are 'insults' I've been seeing A LOT lately

[@LeBatteur]

Although I think these “less” insults are fundamentally kind of stupid, I do kind of understand “motherless”, because some of these assholes be out here acting like they’ve never met a woman before.

[@lulucool45]

i wonder if it has something to do with the wave of reactionary misogyny

[@vonbogel]

@@lulucool45 absolutely, also the rise of conservative values and the idealization of the nuclear family

[@GJ-yl9wv]

And so much of it is projection lol, these men idolise father figures they barely know while knowing their own family line will end in a sock 💀

[@lkf8799]

Child-FREE, BABY! 😜 I didn't grow up with my dad around much but I had a wonderful and supportive extended family so I didn't feel bad about it. I felt sorry for HIM.

[@amentrison2794]

I aspire to be a childfree spinster tbh. No kids plus working with textiles (as a hobby for me) is truly the goal

[@Sammy-nj3io]

I wish that for you and all the women who want the same simple life

[@isla8599]

God I love textiles and free time

[@faaaduma]

Being childfree is the gift that keeps giving 😊

[@Xara_K1]

Sounds like a dream and I love it for u. I'd committed to growing old alone and learning to play guitar and piano and maybe the violin, and I started doing that in late 2019 amidst a gruelling work schedule, but within the space of 1 week in 2021, I had to decide if I would become a parent for life when a girl left her newborn at my gate. A week later I became a mother and Im now a fiance and I haven't touched my guitar or piano more than a handful of times since. I love my son and have zero regrets about choosing to adopt him and marry his dad, but I really do miss my free time and disposable income and the ability to just sit at a piano without a little hand reaching over to bang the keys 😂.

[@sorenmine7765]

That does sound nice tbh. I wouldn't personally do it because i'm afraid of sharp objects, but i can definitely see the appeal.

[@workinprogress3329]

As a mother of an 8 year old (who I love dearly. I feel the need to add that) the “heartless, childless women” is absolutely rooted in jealousy of what we can’t do anymore and nostalgia for your old life. Women sacrifice the most to have children while we watch the men/husbands live the same life they did before with little interruptions.

[@hcf4kd1992]

Omg yes. My husband is a Good Dad, but sadly being a Good Dad by society's standards is nothing compared to all the work it is to be a regular ass-- mediocre even!-- mom.

[@workinprogress3329]

@@hcf4kd1992 absolutely. It takes very little to be seen as a good dad in society.

[@drsalka]

@@workinprogress3329 thank u thank u thank u for being so open, honest and vulnerable! 🤍 (I’m 37 & consciously child-free - never, since I was as little as 5?6? yr. old did I want to have kids.) Again: Much love 💗

[@drsalka]

@@rubywalker4435 rofl, nice one 😂

[@suselperez2409]

it's true and I do feel for that. We see this injustice and that's why many of us (myself included) don't want to go down that life path. I helped raise 3 siblings having my stepdad (their dad) in the home. Yes he worked but that was all and my mother, grandmother, and I had to do everything else.

[@Niriixa]

This made me realize that even a woman who can live on her own, works and has friends and a pet, is still in many people's eyes not seen as "complete" as an adult if she doesn't have a child. It's kind of disturbing how I know women who had kids just because that's what they were supposed to do in their heads/because that's how they were raised and then are incredibly unhappy with that choice. But hey, they fulfilled their "duty" :I And in contrast, in many people's heads the view of childless women as "unnormal" then makes it okay to harass them, even about something innocuous as posting about how much they love their cat. Because how dare women talk about their happiness in life when they're single and childless.

[@AJ-cq5pw]

Yeah it’s so weird. People feel that it’s weird that a woman could genuinely love her cat and not a baby because women are all supposed to be obsessed with babies, not cats. I like babies, I just don’t want to have them. It looks exhausting

[@msunje9862]

After you become a mother and try your best, you will still be hated on. You have to be prefect mom in every way

[@mandisaw]

@@msunje9862 It's about gaslighting & control - they don't care if you're a "perfect" mom. If society really valued motherhood/parenthood, then we'd: + have at-home & working parents come to "Career Day" to talk about their experiences raising kids + provide sex & relationship education to teens & young adults so they are informed about whether/when to have kids, who with, and how to raise 'em + offer family counseling as general wellness + *and* put resources into supporting families of all sorts, including birth, adoption, single-parent, foster/relative, sibling, refugee, etc. Til that happens, it just reads as trying to control people, and make life hard whether you have kids or don't.

[@madarawijerathne276]

Yeah I myself guilty of thinking like that in my teens. It was so ingrained to think women are incomplete without kids and marriage.

[@iateyursandwiches]

Crazy because there are plenty of [mental] children raising children out here.

[@gakailyn9249]

The whole "you can't even get a man" doesn't stop there anyway. You can tell them you have a whole man and then they just turn and start insulting him too. It basically turns into "I don't want you, so NO ONE wants you, and if they do then they're wrong." Can't talk to these types of ppl tbh.

[@miaposamarie226]

My thiught is that thats the only insult they can give that doesnt shatter their world view. To uphold patriarchy and their own toxic ideas that, at some level, they know is making them lonely and miserable, that have to assume the consequences they fear are true. That is; if you dont follow the gender based rolle, you will suffer. It turns out that that isn't true (the happiest people I've met then to have some level of gender non conformity) that women who have autonomy find love in partners that respect them and are better men than those misogynist will be. That those better men have characteristics ascribes as "feminine" like empathy, listening skills, and openmindedness. The misogynist cant accept this. If they do, their world view shatters and they were mizerable and bitter for no reason. So they have to DARVO to protect their subconscious.

[@savedgirl309]

I can’t have kids…and the reactions I get, it’s ridiculous. People don’t know how to handle it, they immediately start sputtering like broken robots “cannot put femme person in babymaker box, does not compute.” I know part of the reaction is because they feel awkward, but if you can’t handle the possible response don’t ask the question. The next question inevitably is “how does your boyfriend feel about that?” Because…fuck me, and my feelings, right? His are more important (eye roll). “He’s fine with it.” They put their hand to their chest “ohhh, that’s so nice.” Like he’s such a saint for putting up with my broken ass. “You’re going to adopt, right?” They always ask this in such a weird panicked way, like they need to be reassured that I am going to go through motherhood. Like, random Debra has such a stake my life choices, even though she’s only met me 5 minutes ago. My conservative Christian upbringing made me feel so judged and pitied for that bullshit. Yet, i stand there, just trying to get this repetitive conversation over with quickly, being understanding. I am so tired of being understanding. I remember being so nervous to tell my boyfriend that I can’t have kids. Why? Because the world has spent so much time and effort to make me feel bad about it. I worried he would break up with me. We had just finished watching Avengers Age of Ultron, ya know…the one where Black Widow refers to herself as a monster because she can’t have children. That didn’t help my anxiety. Neither did the How I Met Your Mother rerun I saw that week, the episode where Robin finds out she can’t have kids, and her boyfriend breaks up with her. It does not bother me that I can’t have kids, I am pretty ambivalent to that fact. What upsets me is the way people try to push this shame and pity on to me. Keep it, i don’t want it.

[@lm8499]

They need to stop asking women this stupid question. My conservative coworkers are so concerned about me not having kids by 32.

[@ms.perspectvepat9571]

I think once you say you can't have kids people assume you wanted them and find out you can't. It's more empathetic, personally, to ask do you want to adopt because again people assumed you wanted kids . I've had to learn how to let the conversation grow once someone shares information like that and not to assume.

[@Madamchief]

Ambivalent means that you have conflicted feelings?

[@rawkieboo]

“Putting up with my broken ass” 😂 I can definitely tell you are done with these people asking personal questions

[@ripandraid]

Ha! Whenever people ask what your bf thinks, just say: "Well, I'M fine with it. Thanks for asking. As for my bf, I don't know. Never cared enough to ask." Lmaoo! I can only imagine the reactions!

[@FloralFidelity]

I've been called selfish to my face bc i don't want kids! felt sorry for them for believing it's a moral obligation and not something they have a choice in. Also love the quote "Selfishness is not living your life as you wish to live it. Selfishness is wanting others to live their lives as you wish them to" as it relates to this concept.

[@jessicapreston9594]

I have been told the same and I replied... then why would you want me to be a selfish parent?

[@Babyblue115]

How selfish of these people to push their agenda on to people who clearly don´t want the same things in life

[@michelleobrien6996]

No-one has ever said this to me (single most of my adult life and childless) probably because they pitty me. If it comes up I say "I'm doing my bit for population control" followed by the unspoken thought "unlike you, you selfish fuck".

[@emilyonizuka4698]

also, people who are like "but you have to have kids! your life needs purpose! what will you leave behind in the world?" I'm like...those are awful reasons to have kids. if the only reason you're having kids is to make yourself feel better about your life because you can't find fulfillment anywhere else, that is not fair to your kids.

[@myconfusedmerriment]

Agreed! I kind of feel bad for those people, because it seems really depressing to look at your life, all your dreams and hobbies and relationships, to see them as not meaningful enough. Like if kids are something you want, awesome, I hope you get to do that. But each person has so many valuable and meaningful things they bring to the world, not just children.

[@ima.m.1658]

@@myconfusedmerriment definitely. To me, there's not enough time to try and do various hobbies and interests. Spending so much of my life caring for little humans doesn't sound appealing

[@evakurl]

My mother genuinely thinks that having a kid (me) was “instinctual” 🥲 I’ve asked her times and times again- why would you have me in this conditions you lived in… but it’s “biological clock” to her 😬 they really not be using brains while making such decisions

[@Nick_CF]

And treating children like that is a great way to destroy any type of relationship with them. Once they get the chance to gtfo they are gone and don't expect any phone calls.

[@elektraeriseros]

And these will be the same exact people who call you "selfish" for not having kids or wanting to have kids 🙄

[@blueowl3474]

I think one of the saddest parts about all of this is how the patriarchy essentially ends up pitting childfree women and non childfree women against each other. Instead of focusing on the real reason why we're expected to fulfill all these roles, we end up fighting each other.

[@GJ-yl9wv]

These pandemics, the economy, student loan debt, the housing market, the bitter bitch brigade known as the manosphere and the rising amount of mothers being honest about the realities of pregnancy and childbirth got the marketing departments for marriage and children on their very last legs and I LOVE to see it! 🥰 #catladynation #childfreeandlovingit

[@lizfernandez7782]

I want this whole comment tattooed on me 😭

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Come on “cat lady nation”

[@mhawang8204]

“marketing department for marriage and children” 📢👏🏼👏🏼

[@Moszan]

I lost it at Bitter Bitch Brigade.

[@jatanjac]

Bitter Bitch Brigade is a sick name for a band!

[@INTERESTEDINFORMEDINSPIRED]

Haven't completed the video but I'll put my two cents...some people just have children to check a box...I see them in the grocery store, on their phone while their kids run around the store, screaming, misbehaving, doing whatever....raising kids doesn't seem easy, which is why it ain't for everyone and people should understand that and not be judging people

[@peachesandcream22]

Yeah, one time I was in a bus, the whole ride the baby was crying in the baby stroller and its mother did NOTHING to calm it, she was always on her smartphone. I know she got used to her baby's whinings but it doesn't mean that everyone in the bus must tolerate her child during very long route. And also, I'd seen many examples when moms shouted and even hit their children in front of everyone even if the kid didn't do anything bad. And if you tell these women to not treat children like that, they will become EXTREMELY mad at you. Like... cmon, ma'am, you misbehave your child in front of everyone, you literally make a weird show and you expect us all to just go away and pretend nothing happened IN THE PUBLIC PLACE?! Lol

[@iwasbornunderwater]

I grew up seeing my mother doing the "second shift". Bone weary and miserable. I decided I didn't want any of it for myself. Not sorry 🤷🏾‍♀️

[@maryla1558]

This!

[@LoveK1]

It sucks the absolute life out of you. That’s what has kept me away from the idea of children because at the end of the day, it’s the woman’s children. I know that’s not fair but that’s what happens. Women are responsible at the end of the day. You have to give up everything if it’s required and I personally don’t want to live like that.

[@Sasu123456789x1]

Same!

[@Coastpsych_fi99]

Same, it’s a hell no! I don’t want struggle for the sake of struggle.

[@unknown..66..99]

@@LoveK1💯 same

[@francheska2113]

As someone who grew up in the church, I feel the pressure to have kids from older relatives and family… after years of telling me to be a pure virgin, focus in school, and “no boyfriend..” suddenly im expected to“be fruitful and multiply,” like its the debt I owe my family for raising me…

[@Sasu123456789x1]

Ohhh I know exactly how you feel omg, its so irritating!

[@nanadecarvalho7840]

I can relate 😮‍💨

[@caziis13]

People act like having a kid is like buying a car...you don't own the kid, you raise them. I'm 30 years old, and I know I do not want kids, there are so many things I need to take care in my life and handle, I can't be a good parent so I'd rather not be one. I will NEVER treat a child like a property, they are human beings, with emotions and feelings they just don't know how to communicate in our grown up language. Gentle parenting is TEACHING HOW TO ACT and not just THINK. Kids deserve respect, and Adults don't respect kids.

[@M00PSY]

You actually sound like you’d make an amazing parent! You wouldn’t treat them like property, you’d respect them as an individual, & help them to become amazing people! Please don’t think this is me pressuring you to have a kid because it isn’t! I’m just trying to complement you on not seeing kids the way most people do!

[@galemisoki6320]

😂 I was just gonna comment that you sound more qualified than most people who have kids

[@Nasipecel_pedes_pol]

Sadly a lot of people who have kid didn't respect their kid. Yes we need to teach them lessons, correct their behaviour, prepare for their future etc, but also we have to give them unconditional love, LEARN what they need, and respect them as human being. It is very hard to raise a child

[@caziis13]

​@@M00PSY Not at all, and I recently discovered that gentle parenting works with our parents too hahahhaha

[@sadiemakesmesmile]

As a teacher, i think the same as you. Even in an education setting - I've seen so much disrespect for kids!

[@hi9073]

I’ve been told by men on dating apps that, “hey, countless women have given birth before, it’s not a big deal! You can’t let fear of pain rule you!” The sheer lack of empathy, of understanding or even respect for the act of giving birth is mind boggling to me. It just seems so unbalanced, that men are able to just do what they want, free to ignore the impacts/consequences of giving birth. All in the name of “building their empire” (actual quote I’ve seen on profiles, btw) like calm down John, you’re more likely to die in obscurity and leave any progeny you have scarred or traumatized with them free to pass on the generational trauma, if they so choose.

[@hi9073]

@AnonymousNotAnonymous Exactly, the delusions of grandeur are strong with those fuckboys. 😂

[@rayray7847]

The audacity of men 🤡🤡

[@jessaleesimonson6836]

It truly baffles me that everyone is aware of how horrifying childbirth is and yet they still insist every woman do it. They think that’s our purpose and it is SO insulting.

[@sonorasgirl]

Not to mention the risk of death or major complications is still ridiculously high even in countries with good medical care. Being pregnant and giving birth is a serious medical condition that shouldn’t be entered lightly

[@hi9073]

@@jessaleesimonson6836 yeah, they pretty much just value our uteruses and what they can get out of us with little, if any, thought as to how it effects us. Personally, I’ve spent so long hating how I look, wishing I was skinnier, prettier etc but if I were to get pregnant, what ever progress I’ve made in improving my self esteem so far would be thoroughly swept away.

[@lisabennettbolekaja8556]

People do look at me sometimes when I say I'm child-free. Not with pity, but with genuine surprise. Most of my friends are child-free too and we appreciate being older models of another life path for women. Complete. Happy. Thriving. (With our fur babies!)

[@Babyblue115]

Sounds great!

[@genesissmg]

this made my day.

[@florencee3324]

I wanna be you when I grow up😩🙌🏾

[@m.josena4485]

I’m using this as evidence against my mom lol (she claims I cannot be childless because she’s never seen any older women w/out babies 🙄)

[@mudsludge]

@@m.josena4485 check the childfree subreddit, there's plenty of posts of similar nature there!

[@aceofspades3533]

Hi. Aroace here. This subject hits real close to home for me, thanks for covering it. People are really awful about not dating or having children. As many people have already stated, being called selfish is pretty standard thing, but for me, the asexual erasure and abuse that comes out of this exact thing is extremely harmful.

[@juliasmith5006]

as a femme aroace who is also a plant parent this video hit hard. i hope that with the visibility of the aroace identities these comments and the abuse lessens

[@gamewrit0058]

💜💚👍

[@MaryanaMaskar]

@AnonymousNotAnonymous you're definitely right that there's still a long way to go for the LGBTQ+ community in terms of safety and acceptance in society. At the same time, I am surprised you don't think that increased visibility has been all that beneficial.

[@sonchik6324]

I’m aroace too and I do, in fact, want to have kids. But I don’t want to enter any relationships to have them, I plan to adopt when I’m ready and raise kids alone. Even if it’s hard, the last thing I want is to be judged by people around me. Aromanticism/asexuality is such a complex topic in itself, whenever it overlaps with other spheres of lives it only gets worse.

[@pepperkettle-4519]

@@sonchik6324 I've never met a fellow aroace person who wants kids! I 100% get it. I'd like to have kids but not have to enter a relationship for them or be judged for doing so.

[@vaerighey4172]

My former best friend has a child and I don't. Her resentment for me over that grew over the years. She was upset and showed frustration with me for not being comfortable babysitting her as a toddler, despite my complete lack of any experience with children. She didn't once ask why I didn't want to, it was just expected that as a woman i should be happy to take on the labor of caring for her child. Our friendship ended due to that resentment in many ways. She envied my life and tried to take parts of it for herself, and never once considered the hurt she was causing me in any of this. Her rationalization for treating me poorly was that she has a kid and needs to pay for their schooling. She used her choosing to be a parent as a reason why her life must be more difficult than mine, and so I was never allowed to complain about being tired or overwhelmed.

[@lm8499]

You’re right men never have that expectation. Even when it’s their own kid.

[@florencee3324]

Ughhh she sounds miserable to be around, hope you met a better friend x✨

[@vaerighey4172]

@@florencee3324 I haven't yet, but I hope I will soon. Thank you

[@linahmaphosa971]

Sounds like my former best friend.

[@destroyraiden]

@@lm8499 Our house does expect the man to care take his children and it's so whinny! He turns into a 3 year old every single time and then after we get the toddler to teenup he'll breakdown into sighs and do I have to when his disabled child needs this or that or medical help he knows what to do and how to do it but he'd rather play games with the able child or surf on his phone then take care of his kids while their mom is working or on errand! He hasn't gotten the concept in years that his kids = when he comes home his second free shift begins just like his wife's!

[@juliannehannes11]

Having a child when you can't afford to provide for one and are not emotionally mature to nuture one selflessly is pure selfishness

[@eshiboo]

My mom got married and had three kids because "that's what you're supposed to do" and she didn't want any of those things and was unhappy and was a terrible mother

[@tdelioncourt1268]

My sibling is dating a guy with the same family dynamic and he had the audacity to make a remark about how I'll change my mind about not wanting kids (I'm 8 years older than them). Man, if someone should know it is not okay to have kids if you don't want to raise them is you. I hope he'll grow up and realise it or he'll repeat the mistakes of his parents

[@sadiemakesmesmile]

I identify as a single childless woman, and recently I was talking to a man about having kids. I said something like "I want to have a child as the manifestation of my love for another person" (as in I am waiting to find the right man) - and the man straight up said that was "Self absorbed & Irresponsible". When I asked him who I should be responsible to..he said "To yourself if you are single, and to Your child if you have one !!!" (he knew I didnt)... To which I responded "So when I am single and looking after myself, I am self absorbed, and Simultaneously I am also irresponsible for being the mother I am not." See? this is why I am single. God forbid, women should have a passion.

[@KatRoberta]

I am AGGRESSIVELY UNAPOLOGETICALLY BOMBASTICALLY single. My cat may be the love child of Dobby and Gollum but I will serve him caviar before I let him starve with me. I'm quite happy with being the "fancy auntie from Berlin who brings gifts and radical ideas" to my niblings. I'm here too busy trying to break generational curses to focus on creating a new one..and that's okay. People need to mind their own business. We're all trying our best out here.❤️

[@loryndabenson2118]

while i do want ONE child. i agree right now my focus is building up funds for myself and my business and focusing on my mental and physical health. i don't want to beer more than one child. maybe a second i will adopt cuz I'd love the opportunity to change a child's life. but right now I'm happy i don't have children. i don't have the emotional space for one right now and if time changes and i decide to have more, I'm happy I'm doing the work now to make sure I have the opportunity to be in the right head space and financially stable to raise said child. children are a lot of work and this economy just doesn't really allow for parents to take breaks from work like that and still afford basic Living expenses it's too much stress. and will excelarate aging and contribute to chronic illness from the constant fatigue.

[@evakurl]

Can you please be my weird auntie 🤣 I def need that

[@Allison_Hart]

"I'm here too busy trying to break generational curses to focus on creating a new one" DAMN if that isn't a mood. i don't have the heart to tell my parents they're a huge factor in why i don't/can't have kids. they fucked me up! :/

[@Allison_Hart]

@@Neo.Jordon because it's social interaction without all these the self-imposed huge burdens and obligations? nothing wrong with desiring attention, actually.

[@lm8499]

@@Neo.Jordon You mean her family? I’m confused by your comment.

[@soliloquylove2115]

42 years old and when I tell you not having kids was the BEST decision I’ve ever made. No regrets.

[@sonorasgirl]

Also the idea cats don’t help us is weird. If I’m sad they cuddle and purr, they’re happy when I come home, etc.. They’re easy and require very little and give a lot in return (e.g. studies of lowered blood pressure, improved injury and illness recovery, potential improvement in bone density from purring, reduced allergies and improved gut flora, etc). Like, humans have pets for a reason y’all. (Fellow single childless lady above a certain age 😉)

[@MaryanaMaskar]

When I feel sad, my cat gives me a slap across the lips. It's very energizing.

[@Allison_Hart]

woahh i have felt better since getting my cats! i thought it was just mental but wouldn't be shocked if the physical effects went that far. science is mad!

[@Acehigh-Jenkins]

My sweet kitty boys cheer me up so much and if me or my hubby are ill they come and check on us. Recently my husband vomited in the night and our eldest was up miaowing and pacing between me in the bedroom and his dad in the bathroom. He was worried and didn’t settle till they were back in bed together so he could keep an eye on his dad! 💜

[@stregamorte]

In her book "Waking the Witch" Pam Grossman has a chapter called "Body Monsters," all about how women who do not want children are villainized and called witches/crones for that choice. She writes that she is treated like a "glitch in the software" or with pity. As well as quoting a scholar who theorizes that women who did not add more bodies to the capitalistic workforce were punished. I highly recommend this book, even just for this one chapter.

[@tohaovershell]

I will be reading this! I love being a glitch in the software

[@PriscillaTheDoll]

i remember when i had fallen to the floor in immense pain and exhaustion and no one knew i had. except my cat hine. she saw me there and although she was new to the house and barely knew me she looked so panicked and worried she ran around and stared at my family members demanding them silently. it hit me so wonderfully ive never felt so cared for

[@gwencere9383]

The same happened to me, I hit my knee really hard and collapsed in pain and my cat tried to comfort me and when that didn't work went and called my mom.

[@tdelioncourt1268]

I sometimes take naps on the grass during summer and my cat comes very close to my face to check if I'm breating and wakes me up during the process xD he poked me once

[@m.josena4485]

Stop that’s so cute 🥹

[@TheBookofBeasts]

Thank you!!! As a woman who has been saying this since 6 or 7 years old….people don’t believe me……I do not want a child to be born through my body! Believe us, we are out here, we are not lying!

[@willow417]

Trans woman here, and honestly same. I felt just like Khadija did as a kid, thought the innate desire to have a child was narcissistic, no longer believe that monolith. My parents and grandparents have tried to discourage me from getting bottom surgery without freezing anything first, and it grosses me out. I have never had a desire to get someone pregnant and it will stay that way. I have always known that I would adopt if I wanted to be a parent. It will be such a relief when I can no longer be able to conceive a child and everyone will stop trying to change my mind on this. This feeling has been with me as long as I can remember and it resonates in my BONES. It is such a fundamental part of my being and people really out here trying to get me to be like them. Gross

[@TheBookofBeasts]

@@willow417 Yep, they tried to make me like them also, it will never work, not in this or any other lifetime. 🙂

[@ashh6297]

Yeah I hate how they think they know what we want better than we do ourselves. I KNOW WHAT I WANT, NOT YOU. even if you regret it later on (for whatever reason...my guess is these people think you'll regret it because you will be lonely), that's a consequence on my own actions and I will accept the regret. What if you have kids and regret having them? You cant regret of them, they are living breathing human beings and they will be with you for life

[@TheBookofBeasts]

@@rubywalker4435 Definitely great to wait to make big decisions until you are through such a big change, but I bet you still think exactly the same a year from now. Congratulations on breaking the drinking pattern!

[@vonbogel]

My very career-oriented, travel-loving friend had a child out of fomo (by her own admission). 2 years later she feels stuck, sad and burnt out, and ofc the father does nothing to help. I feel so helpless seeing our moms in my own friends already, we're barely 30. It's not going to get better, and the child will grow up noticing the bitterness just like us. Also try me with all that selfish bs and I'll CACKLE in your face - all of it just reeks of insecurity. Why should all the others want what you have or want? It's just seeking validation and relief that you've made the "right" choice.

[@gabbym333]

That poor, poor child. I feel so sorry for them.

[@vonbogel]

@@rubywalker4435 yeah... like I know the kid's gonna be loved and looked after, but she's 100% gonna have to deal with the good ol "mom gave up her biggest dreams because of me" realization 😬

[@unknown..66..99]

@@vonbogel exactly

[@zbcrazy]

This mindset is a big part of why I didn’t know about asexuality until I was 28! Finally at 30, I’m starting to more readily accept that my life isn’t going to look like how I thought it was supposed to - and that’s okay. Instead of focusing on things I WANTED to want, I can now focus on things I JUST WANT.

[@gamewrit0058]

💜👍

[@Allison_Hart]

"Instead of focusing on things I WANTED to want, I can now focus on things I JUST WANT." this is huge, thank you. i'm also 29 and just learning that as a queer grayromantic i don't have to do all this shit just because my parents bug me about it. their life isn't my life. no one can live my life but me. good luck fam, we can do this!! ❤

[@Allison_Hart]

@@CrazyDayzi thank you so much! for me, my parents always showered me with so much love growing up, but they are very homophobic and really everything-phobic, and it also turns out my dad is a giant racist and sexist. It feels so weird to have these people who gave you so much love that...aren't good people in a larger sense? I still haven't formally come out to them, although I have dropped many hints and I think they know, but it feels like they don't deserve to know. They say such awful things about the gay community. Sorry to just randomly vent. But yeah I don't understand how it's 2022 and sometimes it feels like it's 1952 lol. Thanks so much for your reply fellow Allison. Sending you all the good vibes of the...✨️Allisonhood✨️ haha

[@Jo-ds3xv]

Love this ❤

[@sonorasgirl]

Also this has always confused me - if you think I, as a single childless lady, am selfish, why do you WANT me to have kids??? I get it’s cause they say “having kids changes you” and sure, but not THAT much in that regard. I’ve known this since I was a kid. Sometimes you just know. And that’s ok too. It’s fine to just know you want to be a mom - that’s great! But it should also be fine to just know it’s not for you.

[@terryr4623]

I'm 21 now. For a couple years now I have been coming to the conclusion of being childfree and marriage free. So many factors played into this. One was my own parents' marriage. My mother was essentially forced to quit her well-paying corporate job because my father threatened to send my brother and I to Canada alone and put us in a boarding school. To her, having us isolated like that was a no, so she came to us. My mother struggled in Canada. Did cleaning jobs, walked us in the freezing cold to school because our apartment wasn't far enough for a bus ride (tbh it was far enough :/ but not everyone has a car and the school doesn't consider that). She ended up in a psychiatric hospital. I think it was seasonal depression but from what I gathered she was suicidal. :/ I think having to deal with two kids, a new country, not having your husband there, and also knowing your husband is cheating back in the home country, drove my mom to that hospital and I do not blame her. I sometimes look back at my childhood and feel grateful for what my mom has sacrificed but I do not want to be her. I do want her hardworking mindset, her braveness, her charm, I want to be strong like my mother but I do not want to live the life she has lived. And I know this is not the case for all mothers or immigrant mothers but I know a lot of women have to give up so much of themselves to allow their kids and their partners rigidity to exist without any complaints. Additionally, my father's cheating has tainted my views of marriage. I don't think I could ever trust anyone 100% and I hate that if its not the case you don't love them. I want to be realistic but also know that humans choose to be flawed and choose to hurt you. But I also wish I had stayed naive because this cynicism on marriage and relationships and even men makes me hateful sometimes. Seeing my mom sacrifice so much and my dad still cheats on her? Like you can be PERFECT and it still will not matter. I do not want that for me. I want happiness and my happiness won't come from marrying someone and having kids. Also sorry for anyone reading this long message. My therapy session isn't for a while and this is tbh therapeutic.

[@Datb2]

I feel the exact same

[@tuttyusbuttyus]

thanks for sharing.❤

[@janejordan1894]

Can relate, it's good to vent sometimes

[@Gemyvanna]

A few days ago I had to sit through a discussion with my grandmother during which she told me how USEFUL children are when you're old and how I have to ask god for forgiveness all because I told her I'm not sure I'm going to have children (partly because of my mental health) 🤦🏾‍♀️. She didn't say a word about love, happiness, responsibilities or even ask if I felt ready to have any. I understand that it's a different generation but still.. I feel like this is the same mentality nowadays. You have children just because you’re supposed to and it’s the logical thing to do which is exhausting since people will try to push that idea on you! This video comes at the perfect time! (I love your content btw 🖤)

[@Rhaifha]

Yeah, that's about the only argument that remains for me. "Have children so they can take care of you when you're old". But yeah, that's a terrible reason to have kids.

[@skpokerface1]

Whenever my mom brings this up I tell her as long as she accrues the money for a 1. Courthouse marriage (arranged marriage is common in my culture) 2. IVF 3. Surrogacy then I’m not listening to a word she says about children and how I’m going to be punished by God lol

[@GJ-yl9wv]

@@Rhaifha and that is so incredibly naive. Even for PoC who don't put their elders in nursing homes, most relatives only visit to assure their place in the will. Having children is not a guarantee of care, dignity or unconditional love - especially if those aren't values you've modelled as a parent.

[@flamingo6828]

Yeahhhhh, I remember telling my grandma that I didn't want to give birth to any children, and my grandma who.. *cough cough* (neglected) all five of her kids, forgot to feed them and almost let them die multiple times, told me being a parent was easy, there's no struggle :).

[@Gemyvanna]

@@flamingo6828 The same goes for my grandma, she wasn’t the best mother on earth and had a chaotic life that affected her children so I’m exasperated that she doesn’t understand why I care so much about having a stable environment before I think about bringing a child into my life.

[@sydastark]

I love my childless behavior! Every damn day! Meditating , hiking , shadow work, self work , cooking and eating what I want ,,,the list goes on ,,, and I’m loving life! Had a great time sewing finger puppets for my nephews bday party that he loves❤ never would have had the time to make the favorite birthday present if I had kids of my own.I had an even better time leaving the party with no kids. Home to my two cats who also greatly appreciate their homemade toys! I’m 37 and I never had any intentions of having my own kids and I’m doing a great job!

[@loryndabenson2118]

i love that for you

[@sydastark]

@@loryndabenson2118 thanks luv✨enjoy your journey! I Appreciate the encouragement , I definitely have received a lot of the opposite .

[@myconfusedmerriment]

I’m currently making handmade Christmas ornaments for all my niblings (all my friends’ kids…my sister says she doesn’t want kids either so all my friends’ kids help me fulfill my Cool Auntie dreams lol). I seriously doubt I would have time for this if I was raising a kid of my own, and I love that I’m able to put that time and energy into their lives in a different way. My friends work damn hard to be awesome parents, so I think it’s cool to have the extra time to just do nice things for them and their kids.

[@KshipsinKchups]

Childless lifestyle 😌🌺

[@Madamchief]

I'm also 37 doing all those things and having a beautiful life too!!! 🤗 Stoked for you

[@goskaparchatka]

I am a woman, and have three children and I totally understand and feel people (especially women) who choose not to have children. I can imagine myself as a childless person and I KNOW that my life would be much easier and happier without children (This has nothing to do with the fact that I love the people I did give birth to). It is a very sad fact and I think that many people with children realise that and try to convince themselves that any other way is a wrong one...

[@elektraeriseros]

I've never understood this "all or nothing" mentality some people have. Like... we're allowed to lament choices we make and think of lives that could've been. As long as we're not taking it out on other people (specifically the kids that are made in this life) it's completely fine to acknowledge and think on stuff like that. Blocking it out never works. It just lets it fester

[@alessandrasmith339]

It is an accomplishment to be a woman above a certain age who’s single and childless with intention because it is a chore being this alluring and magnetic

[@jazzybelle2954]

😂 love this

[@AJ-cq5pw]

Also I find it baffling that people are so confused by people who don’t want children. Like do we live in the same universe? If you live in America, this country does not give a fuck about if you have a baby. There are people out here struggling to feed their babies because as much as we claim to love babies we actually don’t care about helping poor families raise their babies. It is incredibly hard to have children. Not even just taking care of them but pregnancy period. People downplay how stressful pregnancy is because it’s seen as something that women just do because we’re women. We have to treat it like it’s not a big deal when it is. Your entire body changes, you can get prenatal or post-partem depression. You could possibly die giving birth. Your baby could die. Having kids is not exactly a fun time. So why is it so hard to understand why some people don’t want to go through that?

[@jonahandthewolf]

I don't wanna go through that physically and that's part of the reason I don't want kids

[@AJ-cq5pw]

@@jonahandthewolf me neither. I also have really bad depression and I can already imagine how the pregnancy would affect my emotions and I don’t want to take that out on a poor baby that didn’t ask to be born

[@58209]

we need to start framing pregnancy as a short-term disability, because that's what it is, and it's a condition that can become permanently disabling from complications and triggering chronic illnesses...on top of now having to either raise kids or deal with the trauma of miscarriage.

[@mariasimone4141]

@@58209 yes, I’m tired of people romantizing pregnancy and making it seem as if it’s just “cravings and a big cute bump” it can be an absolute nightmare and that doesn’t even touch of life changing affects it can have such as miscarriage, stillbirth - those traumas never leave you and people think the way to get over it is to just try again, forgetting or not realising that pregnancy which ends in miscarriage especially in later stages can scar you for life, when you have to go through burying your newborn.

[@sadiemakesmesmile]

I am terrified of having a disabled child :(

[@mewmew6158]

No wanting to give birth or "carry on a lineage" being such an issue for people is truly odd to me. With all the people on Earth, why do all of us have to procreate? It's a bizarre thing to insinuate that children are a person's only purpose. We are conscious, we aren't just mammals with the need to keep our species alive.

[@HaizeyWings]

Ikr. I expressed to my mother that I don't think I want children, due to personal reasons as well as the future and sustainability being so uncertain. Not to mention overpopulation. Her response? I should have children, because people like me are having less children, and nutcases who deny science and whatnot are having more children, and will "outbreed the smart people", leading to further disaster. Honestly I get her point and I feel a certain sense of guilt about it, but heck, if my only reason to have kids is to help populate the earth with smart people, I definitely shouldn't be having any!!

[@locsoluv94]

@@HaizeyWings I'm also childfree so I agree with most of what is being said. But there is one big thing that isn't entirely accurate. The world is not overpopulated. And the whole "overpopulation" thing is just another way that white people say that there are too many black and brown people for their liking. The real problem is the hoarding of wealth and resources. We have plenty of food, water, land, and shelter, but the wealthy and powerful few are hoarding it and then telling everyone else that there isn't enough. They then use the myth of overpopulation as a way to justify eugenics. (I'm not accusing you of being a eugenicist. I just wanted to point out that overpopulation really isn't a thing right now.)

[@luna-p]

And there isn't a "need" for any species to keep existing, just instinct, and I definitely don't have it.

[@isa-morena]

​@@locsoluv94 admittedly 8 billion people is way too much, we are an invasive species using up all the resources away from other species.

[@lm8499]

A lot of these resentments come from religion. And women not “performing their role”.

[@angiem6383]

As a childless woman of 47 who dealt w/ a traumatic/ neglectful childhood that may have at least contributed if not caused mental illness, chronic pain ,neurodiversity, & disability, I say damn skippy. As an adult, abuse & neglect made me feel ill equipped in dealing w/, much less guiding, teaching & being responsible for another person.

[@escritora84]

As the oldest daughter and second mom in my family, my mom is somehow surprised I don't want to have kids. I spent my entire childhood taking care of my siblings and that was exhausting. I've done my time.

[@s3miraa]

THISSSS

[@tylersatterley3219]

SAME

[@Sasu123456789x1]

Exactly 💯

[@Misstressofdons]

Omg I could have wrote this.

[@crystalbailey4488]

“…or I can just chill for the rest of my life.” COME ON! You spoke directly to me with that one!🤣🙋🏾‍♀️

[@HopeRele]

The world is fucked. Capitalism, racism , misovjy etc. People complain about these systems every day, especially capitalism (Aka those memes about how it's Monday again) YET when we say "we won't bring kids into that kind of hostile environment" WE'RE SELFISH?? HOW when they don't actually take time to think about having kids and how their lives will be affected by isms and phobias. Then when their child is discriminated against - they act surprised that it happens !!!

[@jenraffiasco3598]

This video is just in time to help me with ideas for my Halloween costume, “Sexy Crazy Cat Lady.” Hahaha. 41, unmarried and fully committed to my cat prince, Sir Oliver. ❤️

[@peasandmashedpotatoes6246]

I’m 20 and I literally want to be you when I grow up

[@luna-p]

I swear my allegiance to Sir Oliver. Nah, I don't gotta meet him, I know he deserves it.

[@goblinwizard735]

This “confirmed bachelor” is sending support to all the spinsters out there resisting comp-het. Reclaim the term thornback.

[@phangkuanhoong7967]

i'm honestly surprised that childless women are stigmatized this way in your part of the world. i thought only Asian cultures do this.

[@miglek9613]

Yeah, it might be slightly less bad in US, Canada and western Europe but those attitudes still persist, especially in communities where higher education levels are low. Also, keep in mind that it isn't only asian countries where the idea of people having basic human rights is met with disgust and violence, the absolute majority of the world is this way (saying this as an eastern european with severe tocophobia and a family that considers mindlessly having as amny children as possible to be the best thing that could happen to a person)

[@Queen-zi1cp]

Yh, Africa too😔😔

[@rosedalinevaletine6931]

And the Caribbean. I’m scared to tell people from my ethnic group that one, I’m never getting partnered (suffers from trust issues and other ptsds) and, two, I suffer form tokophobia so I do not desire to parent. Ever. I’m literally scared of someone harming me.

[@kissit012]

Asian culture is world culture. This biggest lie spread by white supremacy is that we are all different

[@bakaro88]

It's also true in Latin America

[@j.j.3759]

People with kids who make a big deal about a woman not having kids just want you to be as miserable as they are. Ignore them. Better yet, cut them from your life. PS your lighting setup is amazing; your skin looks otherworldly.

[@LeylaKaratas]

As a childless woman who would literally die for her dog and who is also asexual and doesn't want to ever have children or sleep with a man, I truly feel like the nightmare of every misogynist. I've had men tell me that I'm "a waste of p*$$y" and worthless because I wouldn't give them the two things I'm good for: children and secs.

[@Datb2]

They can go to the pits of hell

[@Altair718]

"How do y'all stay single?" Enthusiastically. Same with staying child free. Kids and romantic relationships are cool, but not for me. Simply put, I don't wanna, and I don't have to lol

[@ShesBearynice]

Have you considered the possibility that you’re just Demi-sexual? That you might just be Ace? Or that, maybe, because you’re a smart woman who is capable of making good decisions, but you’re more afraid of looking dumb and like a hypocrite if you ever like a guy than you are invested in seeming? Because I don’t hear sapphic people and lesbians and shit being “enthusiastically” single, because they can date tons of people with good sense (femmes and enbies and other queers). Calling this “single” and not “refusing to engage with heterosexuality as a heterosexual” implies that this act is something other than cishet women forgetting that “not dating men” isn’t the same as “not dating” in general.

[@Altair718]

@@ShesBearynice I mean, I *am* ace so. Also not a woman.

[@ShesBearynice]

@@Altair718 Oh, my bad, I thought that this was kind of a very cishet woman focused space (despite Khadijah). So, do you think it’s weird then? Like, you kinda don’t have a choice but to be single, you’re ace- you don’t/can’t want sexual partnership. I feel like when the cishets say this, it’s a mark of honor, not… Your material reality? Like, I would imagine the point of this vibe is that you choose to be single- it’s not a choice for you, is it? It’s just what you need, right?

[@ShesBearynice]

@@Altair718 Point is, I’m confused by all the people here who DO want sex and romance from people in theory, but celebrate their choice to be single and refuse to actualize those desires in practice to prove some point that is probably true irrelevant to their actions. Obviously there’s nothing wrong with being single by choice, and they don’t have to go looking- it just seems like the narrative of being “single and proud” is implicitly a cishet woman narrative focused around the rejection of loser men on principle- as though they wouldn’t reject loser men in PRACTICE anyway, and as though not rejecting loser men wouldn’t make the men not losers- like, it’s just strange to see an actual queer person (especially an ace person) celebrate not dating using this language as though the choice to do so is a moral and philosophical act, rather than… You being yourself the healthiest way you can? My point is, in the cases of all the heterosexual women and heterosexual people who are enthusiastically single but are allosexual, unless they mean they’re not looking for romantic partnership, but still desire sexual contact and stuff, it’s giving… Why? Like, you weren’t going to get together with a loser anyway, so why say you will not date people on principle if the principle is that sexists are losers- they can do as they please, but it’s weird and cisheteronormative because short of Aces, queers don’t have this problem. I feel like half of these girls are either Demi-sexual, ace, or should really check to see if they like girls, because I can’t comprehend the idea of a person who is allosexual not wanting to do allosexual shit- people do what they do, right, like, people who are capable of wanting to have sex tend to want to have sex, and unless you’re aro but allo, you’re likely to just really like someone you’re fucking? I dunno, it just seems like, short of situations like yours, it’s just big talk for no reason- like, girl, you’re valid. You don’t have to swear off relationships just to prove that cishet dudes are trash, that’s narcissistic as fuck to think you depriving yourself of your own wants (assuming you have them) is proof that cishet dudes are often not worth the trouble. Honestly, it just means more queer and non-cis dudes and chicks for us allosexual queers, so, to all the non-ace straights who refuse to fuck by choice, thank you?

[@essendossev362]

As a person who deeply, deeply WANTS to have children, it is still incredibly uncomfortable when people get up in my business about it.

[@hcf4kd1992]

That's because it's YOUR business

[@hyouka4567]

I’m the same way actually - mind your own business lmao also I’ve spent so much time having to defend the choices of childfree folks that people who are incredibly pushy about having children in general just triggers my fight or flight reflex even if I want them in the future anyway

[@yazzerino]

damned if you do damned if you don't it's like you just can't win so just do what you want

[@PokhrajRoy.]

Pet Peeve: Men who don’t call out other s**tty men on their vitriolic comments but somehow I AM THE PROBLEM because I had the AUDACITY to comment more than once.

[@KshipsinKchups]

Men☕

[@ashdacraft]

I’m 34 and adamantly childfree. I’ll be real-there as elements that suck. People don’t treat me like a full adult. My dating life is effected: either you’re a stepmom or the men want kids. Friendships are nonexistent because fems my age are wives/moms. Plenty of men want to “hang” tho 🙃 that being said-none of that is enough to make me want to pop a random human from my cooch.

[@rhokesh4391]

As for the pets thing- a colleague of mine has an elderly dog with all kinds of health conditions who regularly keeps her up all night. Unsurprisingly, she does NOT want kids.

[@jae9581]

As a mom of two beautiful children. You’re not missing anything.. I wish we as society would stop pushing babies on women.. let women love their pets in peace let women love themselves in peace and be single if they so choose in peace! Also the sponsor for this video … let’s just say she is not lying spend the coins you won’t regret it😢

[@ashes1822]

I'll never forget going to one of my best friends weddings and they had this tradition where you pull these little figurines that have a string tied to them from the cake. They gather the women then grab a string (you can't see the figurine) then you pull whatever figurine you pull is supposed to be some kind of foreshadowing of your future. I pulled the wheel which meant I was going to be a spinster. I laughed and tossed it but my friends family was visibly taken aback with my attitude. I just said "there are worse things than being single." and just moved on. Beautiful wedding loved that I was apart of it all.

[@jenana6882]

It just goes to show how little people actually care for animals. Our pets are our babies and they can bring a lot of relief to our anxieties. They are very important

[@alphaomega9626]

Your comment is so confused. Do people care, or do they think pets are babies? Are you not a person?

[@drsalka]

@@alphaomega9626 As a 37y.o.vegan woman myself, I can confirm, at least for myself (can not for OP), that I consider myself a person as well as my dog - he is also a person. I also agree with OP Jenana - it's true - animals are treated horribly on this planet.

[@alphaomega9626]

@@drsalka YOU ARE NOT THE PERSON I WAS SPEAKING TO AND YOUR COMMENT IS IRRELEVANT TO MY QUESTION/COMMENT. YOU DID NOT UNDERSTAND ME.

[@holigatis7588]

This!!! I love my doggie fam and they are an important part of my chosen fam

[@deenil]

@@alphaomega9626 What they likely mean is: People who say that comparing your pet to a child is psychotic are wrong in that for many people, they care about and love a pet like it is their own child. And for some people, like those who made that comment (calling someone caring for their pet deeply psychotic) they cannot understand how someone would care that much for a pet. This essentially amounts to: If you are going to add someone to your life, pet or child or otherwise, you should care for them fully, not just treat them like some toy for you. Many people have pets and kids and don't really care. Others do. The people who make comments like that likely fall into the former camp.

[@rosedalinevaletine6931]

Hey, so, childfree and childless are not, connotatively, the same word. I’m a single childfree woman-as far as a I know-and it’s bc it’s a choice I make everyday. A childless woman might want kids, she just cannot carry them right now.

[@clarapilier]

The second question of many of the conversations with people who I haven't seen in a long time and have no business wondering about the state of my uterus, usually is "when are you having children?" Which is draining. My answer is always a straight-up "I don't like kids." Then I watch them melt and it energizes me.

[@Nasipecel_pedes_pol]

I said that once (i don't want to marry and have kid) and i got straight up 1 hours preach and lessons about how its my duty to have husband and kids 😕 yeah that was great i will never tell anyone again (except maybe my close fam/friends they already knew lmao)

[@clarapilier]

@@Nasipecel_pedes_pol I've been preached too. It is super annoying 😒 I'm 34, when I got to a certain age I didn't care anymore what people thought about me. I found some people start to demand to explain myself and I told them the truth, watching people get all worked up about things that doesn't concern them is fascinating to me.

[@MiniNymph]

I love kids, but I don't want one of my own. It's like how I love alligators, but I wouldn't let one loose in my house.

[@sal_7074]

I love that last part. Haha 😆 I aspire to be like that.

[@amberlynnroberson1961]

I have said this to a male coworker and his response was "how are you going to pay your parents back for raising you?" Like WTF??🤔🙄😤

[@Krissy_K888]

It is funny when people are upset about pets being treated like children because often those very same people treat their children like pets. You know, the dummies who get upset when the child doesn't just function as an extension of them, or if the child has emotional needs and opinions that don't match theirs. Hypocrites.

[@uhohspaghettios2391]

What I think people who believe that all women should have children (whether biological or otherwise) forget is that some women/feminine presenting people are not cut out to be parents. Looking at myself, I'm *extremely* mentally ill, I have very little patience and tend to overreact when angered, and I require a lot of alone time in order to be able to be polite to others. This is me at my peak of mental wellness. I've had to put in literal years of effort to make it this far. What exactly do you think is going to happen if I have to care for a child? Are all of those horrible things going to magically disappear? From seeing and hearing how my equally dysfunctional sister treats her daughters, I can tell you flat out: the answer is no. Even if I weren't a complete nut job, my family tree contains markers for basically every inheritable disease in existence, with maybe a dozen exceptions. You really want me to pass that shit down to a whole new group of people? "Well, you could adopt." Yeah, and what happens when those adopted kids go through the trauma of losing their mom to cancer/heart disease/etc.? Or what happens when they lose their home because healthcare in the US is fucked and mom can't afford to pay the rent/mortgage anymore? I will fully admit to being a selfish person; I freely tell people that all the time. But is it any less selfish for you to pressure those without children to have them- with exactly zero consideration for the health and well-being of those children- just so you can see people share in your suffering?

[@psychedelicpegasus7587]

My bestie has never wanted kids and she and her fiancé are blissfully happy about being child free. They're the loving parents of two absolutely gorgeous Russian blue kitty cats and I am a doting auntie. When they got engaged there was a joke made by the fiancé's family like, "Oh is there a surprise baby on the way? Har har". She texted me what happened and I asked if she was okay. Response: "Oh yeah, we laughed right in their faces. Anyway, I could barely hear them over all our stacks of disposable income". Love, love, LOVE!

[@leighmargaret2605]

This reminds me, I've seen a child-free take on those ubiquitous stick-figure family stickers you see on the back of cars; made me laugh: it was a couple, and next to them instead of a kid(s), there was just a pile of cash. I also like the one that is just a person and several cats.

[@elaw334]

You'd think as people SO proud to be parents that'd they'd understand children should never have to doubt if they were WANTED by their parents, rather than knowing they existed only to tick a box.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

👀 *the faint sound of apple juice being sucked through a straw*

[@jr_cinnamons]

My biological pops legit told me my mom was just one of the women he was sleeping with. Then, I got mad when I said I have no interest in ever passing on his name

[@AuntyKsTarot]

I intentionally live single, cat and chihuahua lady and have kids. And I’m proud of my adult daughters knowing they don’t want to have kids.

[@jasmin4493]

I recently witnessed women from my partner's family, mothers, and grandmothers thinking about their lives, having kind of a midlife crisis, and regretting not having lived on their own terms.. one auntie got divorced and her stepmother who is a widow now suddenly realizes all she ever did since getting married at 19 or sth was caring for others, supporting her husband and her many children and now grandchildren. there was never room for her own wishes and development. only two years ago she was kind of hesitant to support her daughter's wish to divorce her husband, but now she realized she never experienced romantic love herself (despite being married for 30+ years) It breaks my heart that so many women never dared to question what role society wants them to play. I talked to my grandparents too recently, they met my partner and my granny immediately asked if it wasn't time for us to have kids (we're in our mid-twenties) I said not now, we're not ready and catastrophes like the pandemic, the war in Ukraine and climate change just add to it.. like there are so many reasons why this time is scary and suboptimal to bring kids to this earth. she agreed but my grandfather didn't and it is so sad because he was a child during ww2 who barely survived (hunger, fleeing, bombings, injuries, winter..) his father who was a german soldier later killed himself. he and my grandmother as young parents had very little education and other resources and thus struggled really hard to feed their 6 children one of them disabled. It's like some people are so traumatized and don't realize it, they can't even wish other people an easier more joyful life. (*my partner is Muslim from Jordan, and my family is Christian from Germany)

[@chelseaap]

Or maybe some people realize (referring to the grandad in the story) that life goes on no matter whats going on, on the planet. Maybe the animal side of us says we have to procreate, but our sentient side has discernment. With knowledge comes responsibility but sometimes knowledge gets in the way. Its really a juggling act of being a human.

[@mannahatta_mannahatta]

@@chelseaap Life won't go on with climate change tho.

[@georgiabevan2234]

The idea of being "fuck-with-able" really resonated. There have been so many times where a man has made a slightly sexist/inappropriate "joke" that doesn't feel like harassment or make me uncomfortable...but I just want to roll my eyes so hard because you know they would never make a similar joke about another man. Also in the camp of probably never wanting kids. I like the idea of being involved in the lives my friends/siblings' children but the idea of growing a human inside me that I am responsible for forever...I start to panic just thinking about it.

[@brooklynhussein8609]

Another point, when I say I have one child and don’t want anymore, people look at me as if I don’t mean what I say. It’s always ‘you will in the future’ ‘that’s selfish of you’ ‘he needs a sibling’. If women don’t want to have children, that’s their right. If they want one, that’s fine, if they have one and don’t want more that’s also fine. People love to give unsolicited advice to women.

[@Datb2]

Projection

[@kikisav7224]

The worst part about telling people you don’t want kids is that they don’t take you seriously and assume you’ll change your mind, at least in my experience. Even if I did change my mind, it’s no one else’s business. I’ve always believed that it’s better to regret not having kids than to regret having them because no child deserves to be the object of their parent’s resentment.

[@MiniNymph]

In college, a self professed feminist man told me I would inevitably want kids one day. He had some etreme ideas, such as enforcing a cerfew on all men, but somehow a woman enjoying being child free was too weird for him. I, apparently, would want to leave a mark on the world. Sure. I will. A sticky death stain when I die!

[@ShesBearynice]

I hate when people gaslight us into gender roles, like, it’s the perfect trap. You can’t see the future, but they claim they can, and now, even if they’re wrong, you’re TERRIFIED of proving them right because it invalidates how you feel in the moment. I mean, the mature thing might be to not feel like changing your mind invalidates your feelings in the past, because that person’s words mean nothing to you, past and future, but it doesn’t feel good to people with anxiety and confidence issues (🙋🏽‍♀️)

[@nerdisaur]

The only thing I wanna leave behind is a questionable pool of fluids and all my money to charity

[@luna-p]

Yeahhh, he's a freak

[@isbalella]

I don't know, a curfew on all men doesn't sound too bad. I'd finally feel comfortable leaving my house after dark as a full grown adult. (Mostly kidding)

[@PokhrajRoy.]

I’ve been called ‘Neurodivergent’ as a slur because I commented more than once. “Sir, this is a Wendy’s.”

[@cb_tattooing]

Lmao

[@cb_tattooing]

Some people have no sense of humor

[@luna-p]

That statement being funny in any context is the only objectively true thing about the universe.

[@apocalypt_us7941]

Man, what a neurotypical (derogatory)

[@legendswarble2845]

As a trans person, the idea of physically giving birth is horrifying to me. That's not to say that I don't like kids. I love them. My job is working with kids. I just simply refuse to use my body in that way and I have no desire to have kids of my own when I could do just as much good taking care of and teaching other people's kids. I love my students.I would die for them but I don't want them coming home with me. Truely the only reason I would have a kid of my own is through adoption or because a family member's kid needed a safe place to stay. I think that should be as valid a choice as having biological kids. I know all kinds of families in my life and all of them are equally capable of being fulfilling to the people in them, so long as it's the one they got to freely choose

[@lllinai]

Omg same! People don’t get it. I also work with kids, I adore them and I would like to be a mother. But not biologically, I’m also terrified of pregnancy and birth. I have nightmares about it. It does not seem natural for it to happen to MY BODY. And I’ve also met women who love children dearly but do not want a trad family. Children need community and support, and we are doing our part for society too.

[@Angela1111122222]

I am horrified of birth but also I feel uncomfortable with the idea of birthing a child when there is a child already in this world that needs the help and is alive. Taking away suffering from an innocent child just feels much more right than tearing apart my body for a yet non-existing blob of cells. It really doesn't matter to me whether a kid has my DNA or not, my cat doesn't have my DNA either

[@PokhrajRoy.]

You talked about Tracee Ellis Ross but we have Rekha who has remained child-free and happens to be over 70. She’s an icon, a legend and she is the moment.

[@rainabahadur3621]

Rekha is awesome 🤩

[@andromeda_2410]

Yesss and it sucks how much she was demonized over a guy.

[@Drizella9]

I needed this as a 23 year old who feels this way I am desperate to hear more women talk about this and let me know its okay. Kinda a representation matters moment but I look up to you and feel a lot more confident about my choices and feelings. Thank you so much and please share more of your thoughts on this topic if they arise in the future because I love your mind

[@loryndabenson2118]

worry about yourself. if you desire to have children at a later age that's ok. or if you decide not to that's also okay. regardless take care of your health, mental and physical don't let people tell you your time is running out to have children. taking care of your body will allow you to have healthy children at "later" age. but your health should be priority regardless. these shamers aren't going to help you so live your life for you.

[@amandagareis407]

Hi! 🙂 There's a growing number of childfree people online and even here on KZbin. I watched videos from the channels "Childfree Millenial" and "Childfree Kimberly" for example. I'm single by choice and childfree by choice and I love to hear other people's reasoning and to know there are like-minded people out there. You are not alone 🙂 The childfree lifestyle is awesome by the way and really worth considering.

[@sonorasgirl]

Hey, I love not having kids. I would like a partner, but no partner is much better than a bad one, and being single gives me freedom and options I wouldn’t have otherwise. For what it’s worth, I’ve been much happier single than in any relationship, and my friends with kids are stressed as hell. It’s not for everyone but it’s been massively worth it for me 😊

[@HaizeyWings]

Same here! I'm a year older than you, and I still struggle with the fact that I feel little to no desire to have children at this point in my life. Honestly the biggest reasons I'd have any is to give my parents grandchildren, and to share something so permanent with my partner. Neither of those reasons are for me. I still feel guilt for lacking that maternal desire, but it has definitely helped to watch videos like this one. Hopefully we can both find complete peace with our childfree-ness

[@luna-p]

No partner, no kids, no uterus, no regrets. I laugh at anyone that has a problem with that.

[@OctaviaAtlas]

"What about your biological clock?" I can't hear it over my ecstatic laughter and the happy meows of my cats. 😌

[@LemonDove]

There’s no winning. Childless women are judged as selfish and every mother gets criticized for every parenting choice they make.

[@kat6569]

Honestly, it is pretty exhausting to continuously be told that you are selfish or that you won’t be happy if you choose not to get married or have kids. My own parents have called me selfish and told me that I would have no purpose if I had no children, which is really ironic because not only do they have a horrible marriage (they only stayed in that marriage for the sake of the kids but constantly, cheated on each other), but they also, have failed and continue to fail as parents, to me and my other siblings. I have known that I didn’t want children, ever since I was 14 years old. I have never gotten the famous “baby fever”, something that most of my female friends would get, every time they would see a baby. Even though I have never had that desire, I understand that because I’m young, there is a possibility that I might change but even then, I would prefer to adopt or be a foster care parent, because I would rather help a kid that is in desperate need of help, than create another life in this horrible world.

[@SteveAyanami]

Not childless, childFREE. 🤘🏿🔥🤘🏿

[@velvetydreams2092]

FREEDOOOOMMM ❤

[@KshipsinKchups]

Synonym for freedom

[@Sasu123456789x1]

Yasss

[@aubreetanner9543]

I grew up Mormon and almost everyone I grew up with is married with kids now (I'm 22). A lot of people in that community will say things like "Parenting teaches you to be less selfish" or "Having kids forces you to mature faster," and firstly, I think children deserve to be raised by parents who are already selfless and mature, and secondly, I don't buy it. I think spending your youth learning, gaining new experiences, and working on yourself, then having kids is much better for the kids, and it's better for you, financially and emotionally. There are also many ways to learn selflessness and maturity, and most of them don't involve another person that could be hurt if you aren't up for the challenge. Another thing that bothers me about the discourse around childless women is the assumption that a woman who doesn't want to have kids would be a horrible mother. I've seen this on the left too. I think some of the best mothers are women who didn't want children. You can not want to have children but still rise to the challenge when need be. I think it's sad that people find the rights of hypothetical children more worthy of respect that the rights of women. If a woman does not want to have kids, it shouldn't matter whether or not she'd be a good mother or not, because she doesn't want to be.

[@laindarko3591]

Some people really seem to be bothered by the idea of others loving their pets lol 😂 like what's so confusing about the concept of loving a cute fluffy lil critter

[@BryonyClaire]

I'm glad to see more of this conversation happening, people choosing not to have kids doesn't make them less than but lots of media we grew up with showed women not having kids as a "red flag" because they went against nature (think step mothers, career "obsessed" women, or gold diggers, or a spinster, they were the only choices) so I'm glad we've got people thriving in making the decision to not have kids

[@maria.s2926]

I qualify for a woman of "certain age", I'm 39 and single. I mean, single, single. I haven't had a boyfriend in 12 years (really bad break up, but that's another story) and now, people always tell me: Lucky you! You are so smart! Keep that way... Honestly... I think people are starting to think deeper about the childless situation...

[@noahsarkhive4482]

the ‘childless’ comments always make me all ??????? because i am thinking of my mum, in her late 50s, who raised me and my brother and our dog, and when our sweet puppy died after almost 18 years being a part of our family, she cried and cried and cried (as we all did, obviosuly). in her own words “it’s like loosing a child.” people who can’t understand that are the weird ones to me. like, man, do you even know what empathy is?

[@dempseydoodle2010]

I had an aunt get mad at me a few years ago because I voiced an opinion about education or schools in the country and she went off that I shouldn't get to say anything since I don't have kids. I'm over the guilt tripping by everyone telling me I'm missing out on this thing that I should want that I just really don't. I'd rather keep traveling and hang out with my dog, thanks.

[@mitsukislife]

It's funny because those people who are angry about single women joking about their pets are on Tik Tok instead of focusing on the kids they've deemed as the 'number one most important responsibility in the whole entire world'. Pick a struggle! 🥴 Also I've noticed that people who don't have/don't want kids are usually the first to point out how impactful they are on an individual's life, mentally, financially, emotionally, you name it. It takes a lot of self-awareness and responsibility to admit that out loud and not many can do it.

[@AlwaysAmTired]

For me, it's almost exclusively older women that pressure me to have children or judge me for not wanting any. I say I'm not having any and they insist I'll change my mind or I'll regret it. It's exhausting talking to them. But when it comes to marriage, as a fat unattractive woman, my whole social life changed when I got married. Women and men are so much friendlier to me. Men especially are usually very mean to me. I think they fear if they are even cordial that people might think they are attracted to me. But when they see the ring, they chill out a bit and I'm not treated subhuman as much. Married women I think generally are friendlier to other married women. It's like I've become part of a club I didn't realize I was excluded from before.

[@anonymousone9699]

@khadija I hope you see this. I’m a student at Concordia and I suggested you for my women’s studies guest speaker. I hope they have contacted you. I appreciate your dissection of the patriarchy and I just think everyone should have a chance to have these conversations. Amazing take as always. I’m rooting for you. 🖤🖤🖤

[@grandsome1]

Great initiative. Hope the CSU plug her in an event.

[@nerdisaur]

I might make a trip from Ottawa for that 👀

[@58209]

on the subject of people who were raised and socialized as girls and the labor expected of them...i'm AFAB, and one of the things i immediately noticed once i started looking cismasculine was cis men stopped expecting me to be their unpaid therapist. pre-transition, my cis male friends took emotional labor from me and never reciprocated. my cis female friends, on the other hand, generally understood that friendship is a two-way relationship when it comes to talking about our problems. post-transition, cis women still know how to talk to me on emotionally equal terms. but cis men have mysteriously stopped cornering me so they can cry on my shoulder. and i don't think they stopped because "i understand you're not female", but because i'm visibly, unfuckably queer to them. and what a relief it is to stop being drained by one-way friendships. sucks to be fuckzoned by these "friends" i thought i had, but at least now i know how thin those friendships were.

[@Sarah-zu2fk]

Adding fuckzoned to my vocabulary. Great way to describe it

[@Findmy_Way-Home]

Oh god same! It’s not reciprocal at ALL w/ men. I’m guessing that’s why they run to women for emotional support b/c majority don’t do it themselves. I’ve seen men in friend groups (not all ofc) talk a/t their problems, but even when they’re kinda cold and lack empathy. I had to stop being the therapist too. It was annoying, totally one sided and draining!

[@destroyraiden]

@@Findmy_Way-Home They did a whole study on this I think and they found boys were essentially harmed out of it by socialization the love for another and friends with two way bonding was killed out of nearly all male study members before they hit 10 years old so women were encoded into them to be their all person girlfriend, mom, therapist, pin up girl, ect and then they found later in life if men broke up or she died they were back to square 1 which was their support person was gone and they did not know how to communicate or find another easily at all. Basically male to male and male to female training to socialize them into humans rather then bots is broken we make male bots who only have 3 modes of expression when it's male to male and then only 2 when it's male to female just like their wardrobe society made their communication and outlets sparse and dependent on others to fix it.

[@mannahatta_mannahatta]

I began putting limits to male friends precisely because of this and oh boy they don't like it when you realize

[@Findmy_Way-Home]

@@mannahatta_mannahatta I had one ex male friend literally wouldn't let me go. Like I'd always would pour into him but never got shit in return. When I tried to walk away he cussed me out. I'm like this is why you ain't got friends dude. I talked with other girls and he did the same to them.

[@antoanto-bm3vg]

Soo.. I want children and i get side eyed, or called selfish, or simply not taken seriously quite often because i'm 31 and single and i've been telling for years, to my family and friends, that if i don't find a man i want to have kids with by a certain age i'll just have kids by myself. So, not only i have to want to do what i'm supposed to be wanting to do, but there's also a HOW i should be doing it. I'm compliant to gendered expectations, but not enough. It's nuts. And i also think it underlines the hypocrisy of all this line of comments. I wonder if what they mean is not "it's natural for women to want kids" but it's more something like "it's unnatural for a woman to be happy and complete without a man". Like motherhood is seen as the ultimate expressions of femininity (in my country, i'm italian, can't speak for other places- i don't subscribe to this idea but bear with me), but the idea that i can and i am willing to achieve it without a man rubs some people the wrong way.

[@milsthebard1085]

I think that's right. I do want kids at some point, but I don't define myself as a woman and I am perfectly happy to just have kids on my own, and not attaching that to gender or men definitely seems weird to people. I also have never thought people who don't want kids were weird, it's pretty brutal and selfless and hard! Much better to skip and have a good life for you than to have kids anyway and create more maladjusted people

[@mandisaw]

Short answer, yes, it's patriarchy. My SIL is Lithuanian, and said there's a very old-fashioned attitude even among the young men, that women are meant to be simultaneously their subordinate and caretaker. Part of my brother's appeal, she said, was that he genuinely sees her as an equal partner, and that they *could* be happy on their own, but *would* be [are!] happier together. I remember hearing basically the same of men in Italy from a Napolitana student-teacher when I took HS Italian, and that was back in the 90s. It's disheartening that things seem to have stayed bad, if not gotten worse.

[@antoanto-bm3vg]

@@mandisaw it's a bit more nuanced than that. By most aspects things have dramatically improved in the span of a single generation, in the labor market, in political representation, in the general cultural attitude and although sexism remains an issue different generations have very different outlooks on it. The thing is, with family and motherhood, they're seen as one of the pillars of our cultural identity and therefore some people are very unsettled by the possibility of discussing them, let alone change them. Yes, it is a heavily gendered and sexist dynamic, but it doesn't always imply subordination. For instance, the Mother is seen as this idealized angel-like figure leaving little room for women with different desires, but at the same time being a housewife is seen as a respectable full time job and it's not looked down upon, attitude that is reflected in the fact that we have paid maternity leave, and in general by a legal systems that grants mothers and wives a fair amount of rights. But again paid paternity leave is only one month, implying that child rearing is a feminine occupation to be pursued within a Traditional Family™ and that different aspirations are somewhat lesser. As they say, it's complicated...

[@mandisaw]

@@antoanto-bm3vg Definitely nuanced, but if I may, that kind of idolization of "motherhood" tends to ignore/undervalue the needs & goals of actual women, whether mothers, married, or not. It's not my area - I'm more media studies than gender studies - but I believe there's a fair bit of literature on this if you want some good takes on the matter.

[@milsthebard1085]

@@mandisaw True, and it has so many gendered expectations attached to it! Being a good parent knows no gender and uteruses carrying babies don't turn you into some frilly, Martha Stewart worshipping saint. Not to mention the horrible tales of people feeling entitled to pregnant people's bodies (don't touch strangers should go without saying...).

[@rosealeeg1772]

Both kids and pets need attention, shots, to be feed, etc. So... what's the problem? Why be mad? Why take your frustrations out on them? Why?

[@davelewis8270]

People say you shouldn't make videos if you don't want nasty comments. But people shouldn't comment if they don't want you to make a 46 minute video response

[@ktwombly465]

Honestly, regardless of how long youtube or your videos "live on," your legacy will still exist in your viewers. The ways in which you help us challenge our schemas and help us explore ideas and concepts - it's all things we carry out into our own lives. When I think about parenting, I realize that there is no picking and choosing what kids pick up on, and every moment parents are modeling how to be human to their children whether they want to be or not. The cool thing about having a "legacy" on youtube or social media is how much more intentional you can be about what you model and put out into the world. I think it's pretty cool.

[@jonahandthewolf]

Hate people who make having kids their ENTIRE personality more then people who are very open about not having them

[@tillyqtillyq3750]

And to be fair it's a lot of work taking care of kids so there's absolutely a period of time there where you don't really have a choice about kids being your entire life and thus whole personality

[@elektraeriseros]

@@rubywalker4435 I get what y'all are saying, but I think OP is talking less about parents who are trying to get a handle on their parenting and more about parents who treat their children as props and trophies and try to shove them in the faces of their childless peers to prove a point. ....the point being "I'm better than you because I have acquired children. Look at my proof."

[@sophisticatedwrat]

When you said that people see childless women as selfish, it totally clicked for me. I don't plan on being in a relationship or having kids and it would get some people really worked up when I would say that. Selfishness is definitely one of the attributes placed upon me by others because of my life decisions. It's never been explicitly said but they've said enough that I can read between the lines.

[@rayshellyohansen4196]

🤣 I'm dying This video was recommended to me (probably because I am a crazy cat lady who has worked INTENTIONALLY not to have children). "Back rolls?!" Love this video. Liked and subscribed 😁 I also realized one of my unconscious biases. When you were reading those regressive comments, I assumed they were written by women. The majority of gender roll comments I've received in my life have mostly come from women. I hope one day we no longer use the word "Selfish" to define a person who doesn't have kids. Because, there is nothing selfish about it. We aren't hurting anyone by not having children. In fact, an argument could be made that we are benefitting both the planet and society. Nothing selfish about it. It IS selfish to HAVE children with the intention of using them. Selfish and wrong.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

I felt your energy through this comment and u are my PEOPLE