Kwik Brain Episode 108: Heal a Broken Heart with Dr. Shefali Tsabary

A common question from the Kwik Brain community is: why do most (more than half of all relationships) relationships fail? How can we move on from heartbreak? We grow the most through interaction and intimacy, but so many of us experience trouble along the way. The good news is by working on ourselves; we can change the patterns we’ve been seeing in our relationships and work towards a healthier, brighter future.
Dr. Shefali is a world-renowned clinical psychologist who received her doctorate from Columbia University, New York.
She specializes in the integration of Eastern philosophy and Western psychology, making her an expert in her field. Her message has the potential to change people’s lives for generations to come.
Oprah has endorsed Dr.Shefali's work as revolutionary and life-changing. Her ground-breaking approach to mindful living and parenting has taken her books to the top of the NY Times best-sellers list.
In this conversation, we delve into some of the biggest misconceptions surrounding relationships, why we need to invest in ourselves, and why romantic love is a delusion. We’ll explain how self-love can change your life and give you some suggestions to get started on your journey toward healthier relationships.
** Do you want to stay up to date with every new episode and get my brand new Kwik Brain Accelerator Program? Go to www.KwikBrain.com/podcast to get instant access. **

[@pngo1818]

“Nobody outside should and can meet our inner needs. It’s an inside responsibility.” 💜

[@SerenityBirth1]

I agree. Am just having trouble seeing that as a "Mirror"? Has it is a mirror if the person leaves you for their own false needs?

[@tanielumalae2294]

😍

[@satyasahoo8994]

@@SerenityBirth1 oiioop the best to call

[@MrKayakka]

Romantic love is an industry

[@leahkmarshall]

Love this: "There is no such thing as heartache. We think its heartache because that’s how the mainstream characterizes it but really it’s the ego and the false self being released so both people can evolve. It’s the inauthentic self being let go from the inauthentic relationship. The other person couldn’t see you for who you truly are and you couldn’t see them for who they truly are. True relationships, where you both see each other for who it is you are, always endure. Their form might change- the people might go from lovers to spouses to friends, but the relationship always endures."

[@deborahmartin5410]

Leah Marshall beautifully said ♥️✨

[@nicholaskevin1698]

This woman is just pure authenticity and brilliance! And I think the way she eloquently puts out her wisdom on this whole relationship topic might be my favourite. There's the shift in my life right now which coincides with the shift that I'm experiencing from this talk. Thank you!

[@harshvaishnav4363]

1. Dont marry to external appearance , marry to INNER TRUTH. 2.💡Cant expect partner to change. 3. LOVE should be selfless & 4. Unconditional

[@amasion2882]

Harsh Vaishnav 1). Marriage involves sexual/romantic relationship which is partially based on physical attraction. 2). Change -desirable or not- is inevitable. In a household people should expect reasonable accommodation to keep relations comfortable and peaceful. 3). Love is unconditional. Relationships are not. Both parties in healthy marriages understand this.

[@ElizabethLizPerez]

I learned that everyone changes at different paces. I learned also that when you free yourself from expectations of things and others you free yourself from expectations of others

[@yogithashetty2587]

Dr Shefali speaks so eloquently, intelligent and wonderful, I feel her presence and her great energy 🙏🤗💕

[@SerenityBirth1]

Amen. That's right! Nobody on the OUTSIDE can meet your needs. That's why the person leaves you then repeats the same elsewhere.

[@Vera-dg3hf]

Pre-marriage counseling is extremely important. You can determine if you really want to marry or you have issues to work on. Relationships are hard. Marriage is harder because you’re making a conscious choice to COMMIT and WORK together with someone else. Real Love is rare.

[@TheVeek192]

Real love is NOT rare.

[@tamannatazz5800]

I agree with you

[@AD_2314]

“Heal your inner child.”

[@richeyrich2203]

I really feel the quality of this talk would have been better if your guest had their own mic and audio levels were adjusted and equalized. She is hard to hear with volume cranked up.

[@jeannie72]

Richey Rich I agree especially when the louder advertisements blasted in.

[@akovacsrealtor]

I can see she's actually mic'd up. (upper right corner of her jacket) Unfortunately technology sometimes fails us :-) I guess by the time they realized the mic was not working, there was no time or opportunity to rerecord the interview.

[@krainey]

The audio is fine to me

[@angelamooremusic]

@@krainey her voice is at the same volume as his to you?

[@psmylife6832]

@@krainey bearable, but definitely not fine. Hr lapel mic isn't working (may not be on, battery dead, etc), and her voice is being picked up through his mic

[@Delgado-ot4lq]

She is such a brilliant and beautiful woman!🙏💜

[@ricardocarlitos]

she is a fucking frogface!

[@jahmallajaima]

Carlos Millan What is wrong with you!

[@rosasendon2907]

Dr Shefali, you inspired me a lot for being so brilliant & articulate. Thank you for sharing all your knowledge esp in Conscious Parenting!

[@ramanaraoa5409]

@@ricardocarlitos People look but look not face. Something else is also there.

[@ramanaraoa5409]

@@jahmallajaima General saying is ' face is index of mind '.

[@hildasegurabelmont3811]

When you release expectations you free others and yourself! Thank you for this amazing reflection!!!

[@mortonvrose]

Thank you Dr. Shefali. You are making a big difference in this troubled world. Namaste.

[@KT_571]

Gosh, I admire Dr. Tsabary's wisdom! She's absolutely brilliant! What a phenomenal teacher.

[@MkurunyengoMkuru]

The consciousness in Dr. Shefali ALWAYS BLOWS MY MIND

[@EMuro-wu7uy]

I’ve been working on myself since my spouse died. Everything that was said is so true. I am starting a new relationship with more open eyes, and the difference this makes is phenomenal. It is freeing to feel this way. I’m evolving into a better person. My expectations are very different, my hope is this new relationship works, but I will continue working on myself first.

[@courtneysmithtriathlon]

She is brilliant. Love Dr. Shefali! I saw a post of hers on FB at a time I was struggling with my child’s behavior. Her message was my “a ha” moment and really resonated. Her message about love and partnership is equally as wise. I learned last year that true, unconditional love means total acceptance of your partner while loving yourself. It allowed me to heal and hopefully allows my now-ex to heal as well. Great interview, thank you so much!

[@onixinternational8093]

What is aha?

[@humanityandme]

@@onixinternational8093 an ephiphany

[@jennyquezada9644]

I lover...Thank you for teaching me to be a better parent Dr. Shefali👏🏻

[@shubhadakumbhar9274]

I loved this podcast. Each and every word of Dr. Shefali is liberating. I am experiencing that when i be my authentic self, i release the need for anyone to fulfill and complete me. Its a freedom for myself and for others as well. I can then see, accept people and situations the way they are. Its truly amazing.....thank you Jim Kwik and Dr. Shefali for this wonderful conversation. Looking forward to meet u both in person some day.

[@andreagonzalez3680]

Shubhada Kumbhar come to her event evolve in october... life changing. www.drshefali.com

[@veenasharma1440]

Thanks Dr. Shefali. This was wonderful eyeopener.

[@newbeginnings1543]

The only unconditional love comes from God, and mom and dad. Romantic love always has an extreme amount of conditions attached to it!

[@rabiaalaroui]

Lisa ODierno yes.

[@nonsoville]

Only for women dear Lisa. Men love unconditionally.

[@Sgn-bd3ki]

Yes this is absolutely true. A relationship between adults needs the mature and active participation between the parties involved .

[@bestdancer8395]

Nope. Parental love is conditional.

[@TheVeek192]

Bullshit. I have unconditional love for and from my siblings, my nieces and nephews, and several close friends.

[@Essentialoils4ujess-weagle]

I'm relearning all of this in my Al-Anon program. Tough hard lesson that I couldn't control another persons choice to drink! We each have our own Higher Power.

[@normasaunders2816]

Going through the situation right now and it confirm thats what i should do ..free every one .no expectations..just give love..coz what you give is what you recieve

[@vaishalitayade10may]

What a wonderful learning. right away I drop expectations coming from mind and let me see if I it heals me and evolves me.

[@iknowwhatsup2880]

Everyone's trying too hard and not being authentic. Every person you date isn't "the one"! You should just enjoy it as it is and enjoy it as it goes.

[@ClaudiaSanchezQuintero]

c Nomor Well That person could be but you don’t necessarily know that from the beginning. But that person will bring you closer to the one or the next person who will take you closer to the one. Etc. Not everyone finds the one in high school because we all have different lives. It is okay. Just keep moving forward and learning and growing

[@vanessaevans8785]

This is fabulous... Thank you Dr Shefali ♥️

[@lisar2801]

Shes brilliant and she's beautiful

[@blisswkc3344]

Thank y’all so much dearest 🌹 Y’all such an inspiration 🥰 Be Blissful Eternally 🙏😇🌈

[@bapsymcdowall9574]

God's love is ultimate,unconditional..We have such stories, some couple living in false world,most of them are suffering from inside,what's the meaning of this partnership,marriages etc..

[@singh.h4200]

I agree I cannot heal another person they can only heal themselves

[@scyalla5151]

Dr. Shafali, you spoke nothing but the truth!

[@hannahsaurusssx3]

Her hair is so pretty.

[@marcwareham9351]

You need only 1 thing in life and relationships! It’s self esteem!

[@ClaudiaSanchezQuintero]

Marc Wareham Yes! Believe that we are good enough and believe that we are worth it and we are lovable.

[@novapaola]

She is the best!

[@learners_channell]

Such a joy to listen to ur talk

[@leannguyen4860]

I love the idea that it’s up to each in everyone of us that decide or influence the moment of our own awakening ; and also the idea that we think we have the ability to control over others and make them fullfill us and others are there to fullfill our inner insecurity from the childhood are irrelevant. :) . And once we have free ourself out of the thought may we truely heal the soul, fill the inner peace, be happier, and start to help others if it meet our soul’s need and possible :)(I think)

[@mariannegtner]

Thanks for the wonderful content!

[@leighb9086]

She is so amazing

[@ratnabhatt6095]

Beautiful...just amazing

[@ghenwaaz5560]

For the ones who are having trouble hearing Dr.Shefali, try using earphones or headphones for this purpose.

[@scottpine9786]

This was very insightful

[@kathy2888]

This is exactly what @the.holistic.pyschologist has taught me too. Consciousness!

[@AyubKhan-qx2sd]

Seema ANAND is the best storyteller in her smart and beautiful Expressions .I've ever seen. She is so captivating with her stories! she is a very intelligent woman in her deep thoughts . She is a very high thought provoking intellectual woman in her deep thoughts . She is a very talented and well articulated woman in her deep intellectual approach and an expert on Narrative Practices in her professional way . I Like the way she has been expressing AND TALKING ALL ABOUT her thoughts in a brilliant way .Thanks

[@muhumuzabernadette1122]

free yourself from thinking you can meet other peoples emotional needs

[@pacibaco]

People are not requiring others . We are all able to function alone at all times . Society , songs and movies all falsely pressure us to manifest into fake irrational relationships. This is a brilliant easy talk ... Listen to it multiple times if needed

[@angelavictoriagutierrez2798]

I love the vid. Dr. Shefali is a stunning woman who knows her craft. Thank you so much sir Jim!

[@lindareese4579]

Thank you for sharing....

[@scottwillimack184]

Amazing thank you!

[@mithughosh3]

Superb video...loved it shafali...nd also learnt a lot from it

[@madeleinemariameriwether]

This is brilliant

[@robertohernandez2824]

Thanks guys.

[@mialinnik9518]

very wise woman ! Insane knowledge

[@bapsymcdowall9574]

Human love is temporary.Thats the reason they keep pet dogs and cats..Being present is a gift of life...

[@jennyquezada9644]

Be a Truth Seeker👈🏼💪🏼

[@NaturalEarthTones]

Thank you 🙏🏼

[@trevorfrayne6418]

Big haha is that what destroys relationships is believing someone else will complete you, meet your needs, and that you need to control someone else. The controlling I already got. Helpful advice for someone who is still single.

[@PaulineMitchell]

Very good episode!

[@naancy46]

You inspire me

[@ycztzskl2004]

I was looking at the comments just to make sure that my ears are fine and every one has the problem with the sound. Now i am relieved that atleast some of you felt that its low volume. 😊

[@waqqarahad8762]

The sound is tooooo low

[@edwinaclaremolloy9555]

Being BRUTALLY honest with self- ( & transparent with others) We r not meant to change all at the same time - we evolve when we are ready - let go of expectation- - -freedom for everyone to be themselves

[@lindaliao2546]

Very deep and insightful EdwinaClare! Namaste!

[@alicjarysart]

The title of this video has nothing to do with the conversation out there. Should be more why there are unhappy relationships or why relationships fail. Dr. Shefali Tsabary is amazing, love her!

[@zazass4668]

Can you please make a video talking about the good and positive side to marriage. The positive side that will encourage men and woman to appreciate the Beautiful of Marriage rather then feeding into the negativity. The more pple read and watch negative things about the marriage the more pple will expect that. Seriously what u put out there is what pple will observe and expect.

[@jacquelineharris6407]

Release expectations Conforming to the ideal

[@1ddlj]

Madam Shefali's voice is similar to Madam Esther Perel.

[@fatboyannie]

I am so glad I came up of release my husband the responsibility of being my husband. Our relationship is not change but I am happier knowing we cannot have a healthy relationship if he cannot be his true self. This validated my choice is not crazy.

[@EMuro-wu7uy]

My parents love was very conditional, not unconditional, and many people do not believe in God or gods. We were taught wrong. I was always told: don't be selfish, don't do this, don't do that, don't be competitive. These are wrong on so many levels.

[@dianakhvan3332]

Dear Jim could you please reupload if it is possible this video with better audio quality as for not native speaker like me I can barely hear Dr Shefali. Very important topic btw thank you

[@laurab9867]

I totally agree.

[@janinegomez6706]

I agree.... Poor quality of sound

[@sandygarcia7435]

QUESTION????...Great topic...what book would you recommend for a 16 year old teenage girl to learn to love herself? Self healing...tfs...continued blessings...🌻🌻🌻...

[@jennyquezada9644]

Shadows Before Down: Finding The Light of Self Love Through Your Darkest times By: Teal Sawn

[@andrewhaywood3853]

Don’t say to yourself anything that you would not say to anybody else. Low self love often comes with critical inner dialogue. So imagine with everything that you think in your head, that you are saying it to somebody that you cherish, maybe a very best friend, a lover or a future child of yours. The important thing is would you talk to them like you talk to yourself in your inner dialogue? If you would never say such things to someone you care about, then don’t say them to yourself! This should help you to weed out mean or negative thoughts that you have about yourself, and help you to learn to nurture yourself.

[@gregoryarrindell]

What was it she said again??? Her beauty is deafening :)

[@deborahmartin5410]

Gregory Arrindell so true ♥️✨

[@dimple_music]

Haha I completely agree, she is beautiful!

[@newbeginnings1543]

Why be in a relationship if you don’t need each other or you don’t meet each other’s needs.

[@rabiaalaroui]

Exactly. This is textbook wisdom that the therapist herself can’t emulate in her own personal life. If there is no such thing as failing relationships and heartache, then why are we created to be communal and in relationships and why does a baby rely so much on safety, consistency and love? We have lost our way so much that we need to define pain and failing marriages as something positive. God forbid we accept we have failed and that it fuckin hurts.

[@Mrs.T305]

Exactly that's where I'm confused

[@toluk1258]

Im confused as well. I understand where she is coming from and tried to relate it to my situation in which the guy isnt communicating. Her advice is basically you shouldnt have expectations as people are human and you shouldnt need that person to meet your needs. But then relating this to my situation the guy im talking to communication sucks and i cant build that emotional connection with that person. So i will have to end it as they are not meeting that need. But she is stating they dont need to meet our needs. So what standard do you set for people you want to be in a relationship with. I do feel i can meet someone needs... as a little effort goes a long way and making a conscious decision to do something for someone you care about isnt that hard. If mothers with kids have this mindset we would have all grown with with our needs not being meet because the excuse of being human would be valid as well as human should expect other humans to meet your needs. The video made no sense to me.

[@msteriousone8015]

@@toluk1258 I really liked the book "if I'm so wonderful, why am I still single?" She answers these questions and that makes a lot more sense for people who want to be in a healthy reciprocal relationship.

[@louisar4227]

No one can truly meet your needs but you. And when we are healthy, we don’t “need” anyone emotionally, rather we come together with others in the present moment because it’s authentic and not driven by any thing else (like the ego).

[@lkasjddasjlk4350]

Shes stunning

[@ericwilliams626]

Marriage today is about power. Today when you live with someone, you become their employee of life. My dog does this with his ball. I am there to throw his ball. That is my existence for him. He means well. But a partner doing this is completely uncalled for, but today, that is the reality. People just use each other, not love. Forrest Gump knows what love is, but most Americans do not. But they do know what power is and they have it over on you.

[@franciscoiramossalinas6549]

All pickup artists teach you. The way to a woman's heart is to show her you are the strong dominant one

[@franciscoiramossalinas6549]

@Corrie exactly sucks that it works

[@franciscoiramossalinas6549]

More than that, it is everyone's responsibility personal and social to find the tools needed to carve a world full of happiness and """""spiritual freedom"""" full of respect etc. The fact that there are so many in this mindset is a direct reflection of EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US and disregarding any of it says as much of us than others

[@millavanillia1101]

This is so fascinating. However the more I think about it I wonder: What are relationships for and do we even need them and if so what for"? Not coming from an attack point of you but as a part of the conversation and a fundamental question. How should we look at relationships to avoid the old way looking at them in terms of what the other person has to give/provide you.

[@Uthiop]

She mentioned it beautifully at 00:01:00, to see how we yet have to grow and heal our selves. As spiritual leaders teach it's a journey in life to express and experience who we really are

[@JohnSmith-vw2zd]

Where is the links to her website? There are none here under your video Jim Kwik

[@leahkmarshall]

Here's the link to Free to Be, her conscious relationships course. I'm doing it now and it's mind-blowing! drshefali.teachable.com/p/free-to-be

[@lauranwokocha4502]

Dr. Shefali Tsabary

[@nanditapastariya9136]

Love is unconditional. But relationships are conditional.

[@journeytoloveparis]

It fails because you get advice from people that are not happily and passionately in love with each other. If you understand and practice unconditional love you shouldn’t have a problem being in a relationship.

[@Milnjed]

Is there any way for this woman to be more stunning?

[@t.h.nguyen5193]

I can't hear Dr. Shefali. What happens to her voice? I think the mic is not clipped on properly. I read the transcript. She is right on. I believe we must learn to heal our past before planning to commit to a long term relationship and before having children. Everything will come back tenfold.

[@bettyboossister3918]

She is gorgeous....

[@krainey]

You didn't post the link Jim

[@bridgetedwardsmentalhealth409]

Pity they didn't do a sound check before recording this. She's the main speaker and should be wearing the mic, not Jim.

[@boooootch]

Looks like she is... maybe it failed.

[@Sgn-bd3ki]

While self awareness and working on self is ONE pillar or relationships, there are other important things involved. Read about Spiritual Bypassing if you've been reading into spiritual teachings for a while. Will save your life and keep your safe from toxic relationships otherwise hidden under "I can't receive love until I'm healed, it's all a mirror, can't expect live until you love" misunderstandings.

[@rahulthukral9333]

Mutual gratification

[@dianakhvan3332]

Symbolic number 108

[@iamenough6958]

God forbid they GROW and change

[@bothlalephawe4022]

Whole episode?

[@shamvu]

What about live Q&A that will be better but should inform earlier. ..

[@ziggypip2938]

Where has she been all my life?!?

[@EKSKE]

👏👏👏👏👏👏

[@downhomegirl5]

So you say, I don't live my Truth & then you Become the truth you say you are. I guess LOVE is a illusion that we create in our own heads. I never met a man yet who hasn't disappointed me. Most of the time it's about their wants & needs even when they act like they want to help you, it's always about what's in it for them. Is this saying true love doesn't really exist? Love yourself.

[@calimon00]

I wish they would test and adjust the mics better. There was another video where the guest's mic was good, but jim's was quiet ( located away from his mouth). Here, it's inverse, her nic is weak, and his is loud n clear 🤔🙊🙉

[@user-oj3qv5xd4n]

How do we heal our inner. Selves

[@TheSharmaNeeta]

How does one explain ‘healing’ to sceptical people. Eg. My husband and I are fortunately doing these things ... eg. Opening the box. But, when I explain this to other ppl, they don’t understand the reason for healing (considering we both came from decent backgrounds). Any suggestions??

[@TheVeek192]

They'll get it if and when they want to.

[@vaishaliparikh7591]

Mam I not happy with my husband n I love someone else wt should I do

[@Rimonek6893]

Brilliant! ? Am I not seeing here or they actually forgot to add e links they talked about sharing?

[@antilaw9911]

My love for my now ex is still unconditional. If she gets fat, I still love just the same as always. She can't read my mind.

[@user-qp6vg9ho8u]

Usually when the man runs out of money

[@franciscoiramossalinas6549]

Relationships are about power

[@veramann]

The sound from Shefali is low.