LA apartment hunting, MY gender dysphoria + honest thoughts

[@IvanLamLJ]

Leave your thoughts below, thank you for always allowing me the space and time to express myself. I'm constantly a WOP and figuring myself out. Hope it resonates, I would really like to know what you guys think. Subtitles and timestamps available! Love you!

[@jeymileal-lovessora]

Ivan honestly it helps me relax and let go of my stress and the little world I have it’s always sunny and you are always welcomed and the videos are a blessing to me and a healing person and a joy to have around in my world love you thank you for being a beautiful blessing also HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART even though I’m two days late

[@LS-yu3or]

Always love your content and whatever your vlogs focus on.

[@ayador5984]

Ivan, I found myself relating to you mainly because my mindset is similar to yours especially with my romantic and sexual attractions and my issues with allowing myself to love.

[@becominghealthyandhappy]

I love your videos so much. I’m following @thejeffreymarsh on instagram and they make some really good and healing short videos filled with love. Maybe go check them out, I think you would like them.

[@yoelgonzalez6164]

It’s actually so refreshing to see someone so conscious of their thought process and emotions. It’s so hard for people to do that Ivan, I’m so proud of you for being able to confront those inner emotions!!! Also your cat is so cute 😩😩😩

[@mmarchism]

💗💗💗 it's reassuring to know I'm not alone with my experience w dysphoria;; proud of u for talking so openly about it

[@IvanLamLJ]

🥺 you’re not alone!!

[@MaxYos]

❤️ here’s to more “cupping” hickeys ❤️

[@IvanLamLJ]

Haha

[@IvanLamLJ]

Yes

[@Sasha.studios_official]

Best part about watching your vids is that it's calming and relaxing

[@IvanLamLJ]

Thank you !

[@jaxsboringlife7877]

honestly i’ve been dealing with dysphoria as well and it’s so hard to explain it because it is every much in our heads but you definitely aren’t alone and it’s important to put that out there. honestly thank you for talking about it because it helps me 🤎

[@gustavohenriquesantos4052]

So loving to see you breaking your own walls and working on improve yourself. We change everyday, with we don’t have walls that sometimes difficult our passage to a better life, our days would be boring. It’s very important to be patient with yourself and take your time to become a person that you feel comfortable with, and we need to do that everyday. You’re doing amazing, Ivan! So happy for you!!

[@IvanLamLJ]

Thank you!!!

[@kelleya6702]

You are such a beautiful human being. And to see you smiling in the mirror made me so happy. You've come such a long way in the years I've been watching you. You used to be so shy. And you have flourished 😊 life and self introspective will always be kind of confusing, but being aware of it and what we can do to help it or to help change our attitude about it, is truly self growth ❤

[@IvanLamLJ]

Thank you so much, this means alot

[@AmbiCahira]

My dysphoria is super cyclic. When I go through a masculine period the long hair feels icky and not mine, and when I have a feminine phase the short hair feels shameful at times. It's a journey to find the length thats within the comfort zone of both aspects of myself. Same with my weight, my masculine self wants to be muscular and more "bulky" and the feminine self when it's kind of dominant in my self expression very easily try to pull me back into my old eating disorder because the jiggle of like thighs can be triggering just due to culture and beauty standards I grew up with. It's a balancing act sometimes and a lot of being the voice of reason when old patterns appear and remembering that at least in my case it's cyclic so it will ebb and flow. I know it's frustrating when the mind or body isn't in the place we want to be in and we don't feel aligned inside but my big sis advice is that as long as you keep tweaking yourself you are on a journey of progress. Walking through the difficulty is not like fleeing and avoiding so that in itself means you will reach growth. As always I'm glad you feel safe to share with us. ❤

[@IvanLamLJ]

Thank you so much for sharing!

[@maxdecember7485]

Watching this before I go to sleep😌 I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Your videos make me feel so calm and safe🌸 Thank you for sharing your life with us and being so genuine. I always feel inspired and more positive after watching these. Hope you’re doing okay, and that you’re growing and healing🌷✨

[@justjoelee]

I also currently have cupping hickies on my legs 🙃

[@IvanLamLJ]

U cup your legs??

[@Kristina5342]

I understand how you feel about not feeling like yourself with your hair. I had a bleach mishap happen and lost my hair. I didn’t my feel… feminine; I didn’t feel like myself. My hair was and is so much shorter than I would ever have had it. I hid my hair under a beanie and avoided the mirror for MONTHS. Now that it’s growing, I’m feeling better about it. I’m slowly accepting my hair and feeling more like myself. It just took time.

[@rhapsodyandtea5249]

Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts with us and being so vulnerable. I just wanna give you a big hug and tell you, that you're not alone with those feelings & thoughts and that it will be okay somehow! When I notice that I have negative thoughts towards myself and my body, I try to remember all the things I am grateful for.. Even just the "normal" thing that my body is working so hard to keep me alive every day, that I'm able to move and eat and think. Our bodies work so hard for us, even on those days when we don't like ourselves. It's not easy to get out of these negative mindsets, but I hope we can all learn, grow and overcome the bad days! Also, good luck on the apartment hunting!! 😊💖

[@IvanLamLJ]

Thank you ❤️

[@dianbb]

Omg so funny. I do exactly the same thing, usually when I’m sad. I walk up to my mirror and imagine myself being happy and smile. It usually helps. So funny you brought that up :) Have a nice week Ivan 🥰

[@katalincsorba6551]

you give me more and more energy and motivation to start working out and just being positive in life, thank u for always being so positive❤️❤️❤️ur the best❤️

[@IvanLamLJ]

Love that!!!

[@shxuny]

your hair this length looks sooooo beautiful, I love it ♥️

[@poornashree_nk]

I'm so close to shaving my head coz I have grown long hair in lockdown and dysphoria is getting to me so hearing you talk about it was really helpful so thank you ❤️

[@IvanLamLJ]

🥺❤️

[@gp2671]

Thank you about opening up about having gender dysphoria. Personally, as someone with a degree in social work and who studied the DSM 5, I am happy that the DSM 5 replaced Gender Identity Disorder. It helped shift the emphasis in treatment from "fixing" a disorder to resolving the distress a person feels due to a mismatch between their gender identity and their assigned sex at birth. Gender Dysphoria describes “emotional distress over a marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender.” (GLAAD, 2012). Gender dysphoria is not an illness. But the distress from it may be linked to mental health problems. Treatment is to address distress and other emotional harm; it is not to change how a person feels about their gender.

[@yourbestfriendjoshua]

It’s totally understandable to constantly evolve in the way you feel about yourself and how you identify/what makes you happy. Also, ‘Chain my Heart’ is SUCH a bop!

[@IvanLamLJ]

Thank u ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@InvisibleRen]

Wigs have been really helpful for my dysphoria, gender or otherwise. Short, long, colored, natural, curly, straight, middle part, side part… And then there’s my natural shaved head. I wear whatever makes me feel most comfortable and change it when I start to feel different and.. well, dysphoric. Of course that means sometimes I gotta buy a new wig when none of the ones I have make me feel better.

[@rmounir6282]

It's really interesting hearing you talk about dysphoria because I relate so much... but in the opposite way yk? I fell self-conscious about my lack of muscle and my hair being too long and all the feminine aspects of myself. So I often try to be as masculine as possible to reaffirm my gender, but you're right that these things don't define you at all. Idk where I was going with this. just ugh. dysphoria.

[@IvanLamLJ]

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@peyton8242]

Hearing about your experiences and seeing your routine motivates me so much! I also struggle with gender dysphasia and am glad to see you using your platform to just spread knowledge and acceptance. Love the video as usual ❤️ ❤️

[@IvanLamLJ]

Thank you so much!

[@1zzyyyyy]

so productive im jelly btw you're sooo GORGEOUS!!!

[@IvanLamLJ]

🥺❤️❤️❤️

[@ammaarahmostert2965]

honestly your videos are amazing and relaxing at the same time. They also calm me down while i'm studying for tests and just help with all the stress around tests.I love your videos

[@achivdon]

Ivan I’m so happy i came across your channel. As someone who identifies on the non-binary spectrum, its nice to have an influencer who may or may not be going through the same struggles❤️ Thank you for continuing to upload videos and thank you for spreading love and positivity in such a safe place!!

[@aaronjom9455]

Watching your video really helps me feel more positive and less stressful, because of all the things going on in my life especially keep up with school, keep posting more videos because they're so smoothing and well productive. :)

[@lunniedhhernandez2872]

I just discovered your channel and I must say that I love and love your content. Personally I love how you express yourself, stay healthy. ♡

[@deejay5457]

This may be an oversimplification, but it struck me that the combination of jock Ivan and your feminine side is what I find so attractive about you. The combo may be what we see when we comment on how soothing and comforting your posts are.

[@IvanLamLJ]

❤️❤️❤️

[@ariuri665]

Siempre me anima cada video y querer hacer algunas rutinas que ya no suelo hacer por la ansiedad generalizada, siempre me reconforta sus videos 😍

[@IvanLamLJ]

❤️

[@sophia6812]

I know im super late but always sending you lots of love thank you for sharing such a vulnerable part of life I know you are helping so many go through tough times

[@IvanLamLJ]

Thank u love

[@sunflowerelley4378]

Literally LOVE to vibe to your videos while I’m chilling at home!! You are honestly so sweet and it makes me so happy to watch your vids 🥺💕❤️ Lowkey not so lowkey, I also like to look at apartments even when I’m not looking to purchase just because they are quite lovely 😂 I would even go on Zillow and even look at the expensive homes just to day dream about it but yeah 😎✌️😂

[@IvanLamLJ]

❤️❤️❤️

[@mo-modraws6299]

Ivan your vlogs and tutorials have been such relaxing and eye opening for me. Continue to do what you love and what makes you happy.

[@sophiale6603]

I'm done with school today and I feel kind of sad because I realized time goes by so fast... I'm so glad I found you on KZbin. My life has changed so much after I start following you on KZbin. Thank you for everything and Happy Pride Month!!

[@beardpandaa]

What helps me is thinking of myself as just a regular human person who doesn't need to be perfect. What's a good person is so different for everybody. You kinda just gotta roll with the punches

[@anisabanu1069]

Omg it’s 4:30am here. Best before sleep therapy!! ❤️❤️I love the peaceful vibe!! ❤️

[@AdventuresInFantasy]

That bowl looks so good. I am so going to have to try making it. Plus you can't really go wrong with kimchi! Haha! That's kitty's sweater now. You've probably heard it a dozen times but love that snake tattoo. It's gorgeous. I hear you on the dysphoria. There are some things that I very much associate with representing my gender; hair was always one of them. Pride month is a blessing and a curse sometimes for me. With everyone bringing gender/sexuality to the forefront, it makes me more aware of my own and well... how much I don't look like how I want my gender to be perceived. Really you couldn't have said it any better. How is everything you make looks so good?! I guess it is time to hunt down some recipes. But for real, thank you for sharing. It was wonderfully honest and beautiful.

[@exojain]

Seriously I love you .... I love the way you think about everything.... when u share ur feelings I love that u give us a lot of comfort so we are thankful.....♡

[@gigil4m]

I haven't had the chance to visit you in this space yet and you're already moving!! lol .. I can't keep up! Def bringing over some post-pandamic + house warming gifts once you get into the new space! Excited for you!

[@comettripper]

Hey Ivan, just wanted to say something I've been noticing while watching some of your videos, have you considered you might have sensory sensitivity? It might explain why you seem "picky" with makeup/food and why loud noises or some kinds of light annoy you so much. It's nothing I can say for sure, but if you feel like you can relate I think it's worth looking into it and maybe finding more ways to cope. When our 5 senses are being constantly overwhelmed it could explain a lot of anxiety and uneasy feelings, but it's not always that obvious (people don't always notice straight away what it is that's bugging them, they just know they're feeling irritated/uncomfortable). And knowing that can help to avoid it and explain it in the future, if that happens to be the case. Either way, I hope you find a nice place and feel ok with yourself ♡♡ sending luv ♡

[@same3769]

🦋🌸It’s 4 am here now, and your videos has always been such a calm way to start my day. Especially for today Coz 🌈It’s my Birthday 🌈😁🦋🌸🙏🏻 Thank you so much for uploading a new video 🙏🏻🌸🦋

[@deejay5457]

Happy Birthday. 💥💥💥💥👏👏👏🤗🤗🤗🤗

[@alyshal417]

Happy birthday!

[@laylawilson765]

i am so proud of you ivan! we are always here:)

[@Disaster3nby]

I must have missed it, but I didn’t know u came out as non-binary! I’ve been watching your channel since 2016 and I came out last year as non-binary myself so it’s so nice to see the solidarity :) I totally understand the feeling of having to be androgynous or compensating for the opposite if ur afab or amab. But everyone’s non-binary’s experience is different and like you said, it’s more about people seeing you as Ivan than what you present yourself as. I loved the idea that people won’t make assumptions based on my gender and I can be expressive as myself, Ali. And people will see me as Ali and my gender is a non-sexual human being. That’s my preference and what I want to be perceived as. Who I am becomes what I am. And I am a non-binary human being :)

[@MrAsianAxolotl]

We all are non binary human beings in theory.

[@robertlambregts3228]

loved the vlog. and @ivanlam I'm obsessed with that steam pan you made the dumplings in. where can I get it? can't seem to find it online. love it

[@ScottRedstone]

Enjoyed this video a great deal. Apartment with wooden floors and sunlight so nice. I miss dim sum. Will have some tomorrow. Living in Manhattan means it won’t be difficult. Muscles are nice. Softness is nice. Hyper anything - not as nice. Salt and sugar are wonderful together: sometimes on the sweeter side, sometimes on the saltier side but always with a dash of hot.

[@DirtyDan569]

I lovee this video. I have a feeling of happiness when watching ur videos but they also make me think about my own life. Also I was wondering what camera do you use?

[@DianeH2038]

Ivan, sweetie, when I started accepting allowing bits of vanity into my life as self-care, I became so much happier. your self-image is important, too -- whether it's physical or mental. if you have feelings about it, there's nothing wrong with changing a bit to take care of yourself. xoxo

[@IvanLamLJ]

Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@DianeH2038]

@@IvanLamLJ it's a big part of how I quit smoking many years ago! as my sense of smell came back, I let myself splurge on fragrance/good candles/essential oils. it was such a revelation to realize how terrible cigarettes smelled and how good other things can smell! those calming scented baths, etc. really helped me quit a terrible habit, and for good. seeing a stranger in the mirror is something I'm a little bit familiar with, though in a different way -- I had a severe jaw deformity that was getting worse and distorting my lower face. I got the issue fixed to clear the pain and prevent future damage, but I *also* got a very tiny amount of plastic surgery with the procedure. if I hadn't, I wouldn't have ever really had a balanced chin in profile pics. I'm SO glad I got it done when I got all the other issues fixed -- I've never regretted it once. and I'm not a truly superficial person, I swear! but I no longer looked like "me" to myself. I don't know what gender dysphoria is like for you, but I just want to be sure you feel okay about adjusting your outer appearance to reflect you you are inside. self-identity work is also self-care.

[@exojain]

I'm on the bed want to sleep ... and get notification from KZbin and here we are I will sleep well tonight ♡

[@mint1697]

watching this after a long day at work was therapy, I worked out around 1am last night because I’m trying to build muscle and be healthy! still working on eating healthy 😅

[@IvanLamLJ]

Love you! One day at a time

[@sevvalarslan8740]

hello i just started watching u and ur like the cutest human being that ever existed thank u for existin’

[@bellalita1664]

i sincerely love listening to your thoughts, thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability. i'm sending you much much love!

[@IvanLamLJ]

Thank you!

[@amethysttoast3642]

Ivan you so sweet, don't feel that you need to be perfect for anyone, because you are created perfect just the way you are

[@IvanLamLJ]

❤️

[@alenastefanekova9728]

Ivan you are literally healing my soul

[@lenispereira-ortiz4084]

omg you h a v e to listen to “a pirate says arr” or “the flying rock song” from the backyardigans.... both unironically SLAP i hope you enjoyed your birthday!! and that your day goes well :)

[@nctsplug]

missed you bby 🥺💛

[@alexis2318]

I feel like I havent watched you in forever! Love you ♡♡♡

[@IvanLamLJ]

Yay!!

[@CyndyTangerineyyyy]

YAY! Another vlog. Watching now. 💕 Your videos always make my day. 🥰

[@IAMASELENATOR92]

Love your blonde hair

[@danyielproductions3479]

Hi Ivan! I love you❤️ Also happy late birthday🥳💜 ik it was 2 days ago but i want to leave this birthday comment under your vid😋

[@IvanLamLJ]

Thank you so much!!!!

[@iy1231]

Oooo switching up from the red or black nail polish. ^^

[@IvanLamLJ]

Hehe yes!

[@jeymileal-lovessora]

Ivan I was missing you and also I was stressed due to school and other things going on in my life but how’s your day going but I hope you find a comfortable apartment that you will have a brand new start and a fresh canvas to decorate with what ever you want I love you so much stay safe and healthy

[@IvanLamLJ]

You too!

[@mariships3320]

ahh this is the best part of my week ❤️❤️❤️

[@teutonic2020]

It can't be easy to put this out there. Good job. Wanting you to be happy; why not make what is in your mind a reality? Like if in your mind you have longer hair, then have longer hair? I don't know if I'm simplifying something that is way more complex? Also I don't know where this questioning of your worth comes from. Seems you are super worthy to me. But am just a random commenter. I think you need this affirmed by someone close to you. Good luck with apartment hunt and thanks again for great vid!

[@IvanLamLJ]

🙏🏻🥺

[@curtishajohnson9348]

Your video is just so surprisingly calming to me ☺😁

[@swan3459]

Ivan there is no such thing as " perfect ". Being perfect doesn't exist. Everybody and everything have their own flaws. Being perfect or not depends on the point of view you are looking from. You or anyone can't be the best example since everyone has different backgrounds and stories which make them easier or harder to follow " the example". So yeah the best example cannot exist. But we can be better examples. Everyone is different and unique in their own ways. Stay safe, love you.

[@stevenbellusci9084]

I love your hair cut ♥️♥️ & I know what you mean about the loud A/C I have to turn up the TV when it comes on🤷🏼‍♂️🙄

[@IvanLamLJ]

Haha thank you!

[@person7407]

I love ur cat so much she's so fluff

[@IvanLamLJ]

She’s so chonk

[@ChristianGertsen]

OmG, where can I get that posture neck thing?! Pleaseee

[@genshinF2Play]

That ending thought about duplicating yourself sounds like a black mirror episode 😳

[@IvanLamLJ]

Haha very

[@causeofmyserendipity8562]

yay I’m so happy when you upload

[@person7407]

Your external features yes, donot define your gender, but they do express it. They're the language that communicate certain identity traits to others

[@IvanLamLJ]

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻❤️❤️❤️

[@mixterdee]

10:25 Yaaaassss Ivan giving us KPOP l👀k. I am here for all that!!!

[@IvanLamLJ]

💃🏻🌝

[@isabellsheehan5307]

I do think it is difficult sometimes to keep our balance when the world is so judgemental, your judged on weight, what you wear, how you eat, color of your eyes, skin, hair and just about everything you are as a human. I don't have any answers that can comfort you, but I do know my strength comes from knowing and accepting myself for who I am and striving to improve those areas that "I" feel need improving. I don't know you except through your blog, but it is pretty clear you also strive to improve yourself and are honest with yourself and are a good person, but I have been most impressed by your efforts to not be judgemental yourself and try to encourage others to be kind to themselves. Hang in there, we are all a work in progress (hope that is not cliche). Oh and please be kind and loving to yourself, stay well, healthy and happy sending you a hug.

[@esraes9033]

i got hungry seeing all the delicious food in the video , to bad im on dieet and its 1 am 🥲 loved the video btw

[@IvanLamLJ]

Thank you!!

[@isacurry8280]

I loved this candid talk about gender dysphoria, can I ask about your mbti type ?

[@fabulousmsthang]

sending groovy vibes your way hope you find a fab apartment!

[@davidtorres9911]

Ok but post the link to the neck stretcher 😩

[@quisharex3565]

Ivan follow your heart without thinking too much about it. Our interests are tied to our destinies. Don’t let anyone define who you should be.. not the world’s standards nor the pride community. Don’t let anyone paint you into a box. Don’t let anyone “put baby in a corner” We are all trying to grow, trying to overcome.. and i think when we stop trying to fit into boxes, that’s when the journey becomes the reward.. and the process is more joyful. If we never fully express ourselves and limit ourselves to what other’s think we should be or tell us what’s appropriate or what’s cool then we will eventually feel alone even in a crowd even if we get everything we thought we wanted. The Bible says we are God’s “poetry in motion” Isn’t that beautiful? Ivan, we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Before you were even born God knew you. He carefully knit you into your mother’s womb. He made special. There’s no one like you in the world. Follow your heart and ask God for truth. He will surely answer you. There’s nothing you have to do or be to come to him for help and answers. He loves you and will meet whenever you are on your journey.

[@OmGiTsKayTlyN]

where did you get your neck traction pillow?

[@IvanLamLJ]

Amazon!

[@LS-yu3or]

No one: Ivan: cAstAwAys...

[@kevinsandiego1260]

This is all I need to see today.

[@IvanLamLJ]

🥺❤️💖

[@deekay10]

Always remember we the people love you.

[@IvanLamLJ]

Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

[@ariesdragon4950]

Thank you for making videos I learn something new everyday.

[@IvanLamLJ]

Love you!

[@beatrizrosa7414]

You are a good person Ivan, you're not a perfect role model... but nobody is and that's the point. You are one of my greatest role model, not because you are perfect and flawless, but because you are real, true to yourself and you fight for what you believe. You don't have to have short hair but if you want to... you should. You don't have to wear make up but if you want to... you shoul. You don't have to do ANYTHING that fits the definition of non-binary or even one of the genders. You have to be you because you are amazing at it. I know that sometimes is hard to deal with feelings but I'm here to tell you: It's okay to struggle... it's normal. Try focasing on what makes you happy and feel better about yourself and forget about the rules. You are amazing, i'm sad that i live on the other side of the ocean and I can't tell you how much you helped me in person. STAY GORGEOUS ♡

[@romeochhut3829]

I’m always inspired by your healthy meals 🥵

[@IvanLamLJ]

Hehe

[@LS-yu3or]

Also I loved seeing Kevin on the video ha ha

[@rockyjourneys]

Thanks for the video :)

[@katalincsorba6551]

i really wanna cook with u ahah so i can learn maaany delicious recipes from you🤗🤗❤️

[@kookiefly]

Getting a new place because of construction? But isn't that temporary?

[@Anna-hq4xy]

Your videos calm me down :))

[@IvanLamLJ]

Aww I’m glad!!

[@carlosemlisboa6584]

Hmmm I don’t know if im the only one … but I would buy a cookbook of yours, if you put one together 🙂 … just saying :) . Best wishes ❤️👋🏻

[@IvanLamLJ]

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@IvanLamLJ]

Haha maybe!

[@deekay10]

Me too honestly

[@LS-yu3or]

Love the self love diaries Ivan :)) continue to take care ( ꈍᴗꈍ)

[@IvanLamLJ]

Thank you❤️🥺

[@kennedyhaban9261]

Watching TRESE at 7:37 🇵🇭🇵🇭🇵🇭

[@micaelaheis6680]

Good morning!!! I love you💖

[@IvanLamLJ]

Love you!

[@micaelaheis6680]

@@IvanLamLJ 😣💟

[@alyshal417]

We love you too Ivan 😍

[@seikhohaohaokip4349]

ivan pls do an apartment hunting video

[@IvanLamLJ]

I will try :)

[@whyhihigh]

Idk if this would help, but I’ve been in kinda the same situation as you with the hair - and to combat the mindset with hair being such a clear part of you, I’d honestly, if you feel comfortable enough to do it, shave it all off.

[@purpleangie7176]

Oml Im a Filipino and I just can't believe I saw Trese out of nowhere-

[@IvanLamLJ]

Hehe

[@augustoreis804]

thanks for the video! s2

[@braxtonanderson3870]

Who else loves the Trese ANIME?

[@annarocha5648]

Yeahh i love these videos❤️‍🔥

[@IvanLamLJ]

❤️❤️🥲🥲