A door with five different ranks...?

Tom Crawford and Evan & Katelyn Heling discuss a question about a peculiar portal.
LATERAL is a weekly podcast about interesting questions and even more interesting answers, hosted by Tom Scott. For business enquiries, contestant appearances or question submissions, visit www.lateralcas...
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GUESTS:
Tom Crawford: ‪@TomRocksMaths‬, / tomrocksmaths
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HOST: Tom Scott.
QUESTION PRODUCER: David Bodycombe.
EDITED BY: Julie Hassett at The Podcast Studios, Dublin.
GRAPHICS: Chris Hanel at Support Class. Assistant: Dillon Pentz.
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FORMAT: Pad 26 Limited/Labyrinth Games Ltd.
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: David Bodycombe and Tom Scott.
© Pad 26 Limited (www.pad26.com) / Labyrinth Games Ltd. 2025.

[@lateralcast]

BOOK OUT NOW!: www.lateralcast.com/book FULL EPISODE: open.spotify.com/episode/5q9kPMOAyifaMtPgj7m0cH Photo of answer (SPOILER): www.reddit.com/r/AirForce/comments/18ny334/thought_this_crowd_would_enjoy/

[@Kumimono]

Commander, Lieutenant Colonel Sergeant, in private, was a major proponent of general corporal punishment.

[@AnonymousFreakYT]

Admirable effort. Four stars.

[@robertjarman3703]

And was given the title Admiral of Nebraska, by a warrant officer.

[@lhpl]

Admiralbe mate!

[@chenseanxy]

Got a vibe of Major Major Major Major from Catch 22 haha and turns out there's a real person

[@GrrAargh1]

Same here!

[@faenethlorhalien]

TOTALLY

[@joegoss30]

I commanded a reception station back in the 1980s for the US Army. We'd get 20k new troops in a year and you would get some wild names that go oddly with ranks. I saw several Private Privates and Private Majors -- even a Private General.

[@its_clean]

Not the same joke, but this just reminds me of "colonel colonels colonel colonels" from Stargate 😂

[@darthbob88]

Apparently there have been a few people with that sort of name, though not to the same extent as Major Major. Admiral C. Allen, General Rudolph Merriweather, and Lieutenant Garnes enlisted in the USAAF in 1942, and General L. Phillips and Lieutenant Tisdale joined the Army in 1952. There was also a PFC Colonel Underwood who found it convenient to drop his rank while requesting hotel reservations on leave; when a concierge hears "This is Colonel Underwood speaking", they tend to be accommodating.

[@joegoss30]

I was in the US Army for a number of years. The number of people with a rank in their names was higher than you would think. I did know a "Lieutenant Sargeant" and at least one "Private Major."

[@faenethlorhalien]

I've known people in the army whose name is Marshall. Now, that's having aspirations from an early age.

[@daredaemon8878]

I grew up in a city that has a street named after Sergeant (Léo) Major

[@jenm1]

Reminds me of the how I met your mother joke

[@smithandshortdogs]

@@joegoss30 we had to Captain Kirks

[@daerdevvyl4314]

smithandshortdogs How many Kirks did you have to captain?

[@michaelocyoung]

In every office in the UK there's a bin marked General Waste, which is nice to see that someone gets promoted. Sometimes you also get a Private Room too.

[@cyberfutur5000]

This was a nice one. In Formula 1 was that guy called Logan Sargeant last year, he got replaced by a guy called Colapinto. And the abbreviation in the timing table changed from SAR to COL making it look like Logan wasn't fired but just promoted to Colonel.

[@AnonymousFreakYT]

I enjoy international team sporting events featuring two Scandinavian countries. Seeing the scoreline say "SWE-DEN" is always fun.

[@ZdzichuWiertara96]

​@@AnonymousFreakYTI personally liked our home game in Warsaw against Iberian minnows during 2022 WCQ, as the scoreline just said POL-AND

[@alexx12545]

@@AnonymousFreakYT lol this is awesome haha

[@orange13]

@@AnonymousFreakYT and if you stitch together the missing letters of both countries, it spells DEN-MARK

[@Becky_Cooling]

And there was a load of jokes saying that Logan Sargent has been demoted to Logan Corporal

[@Kyuschi]

At 2:56 i did once hear a veteran talk about how their unit hat two people named Lt. Sergeant and Sgt. Lieutenant, who were apparently really good friends that would hang out together all the time so that when someone came up to the and said "Hey, Lieutenant" they would both answer at the same time.

[@raptormaster666]

Would this veteran be Specialist Hazard, perchance? ;)

[@Kyuschi]

@@raptormaster666 indeed it would be

[@Valpo2004]

Them being friends is kind of against military code since one is an officer the other enlisted. That isn't to say it didn't happen, but it isn't suppose to happen.

[@Kyuschi]

@Valpo2004 not really? a sergeant is an NCO rank (non-commissioned officer) and a lieutenant is the lowest officer rank, often they even work together directly, if it was lik a major and a corporal yeah sure but this isn't that. Hell in the old military textbooks i've read they explicitly say junior officers should be learning things from their NCO's

[@Valpo2004]

@@Kyuschi They would be but there are strict rules of fraternizing between officers and enlisted, even if they are NCOs. I'm not a vet so I can't say how closely they are followed or enforced but I lived with a guy who was a marine reservist.

[@C2Talon]

Finally, something in my wheelhouse. *pseudo-spoiler buffer* I worked with people in the military who had last names that were ranks, and that always amused me, so that popped into my mind straight away. As an example, I remember one of my bosses coming up to me saying I had to drop everything I was doing and needed to go help the Sergeant Major right away. The location they gave wasn't the Sergeant Major's office, or even same part of the building, but it's not something anyone thought to question. I get there as quick as can be, and it turns out it was not the Sergeant Major that needed the help, but a Sergeant with the last name of Major. I do whatever needs be done and then have some fun afterward explaining the situation to my bosses, mostly so we didn't make that mistake of thinking it's the Sergeant Major when it comes from that department again. And then the icing on the cake was that the boss of Sergeant Major (the one I helped) was Major Major (no relation).

[@Ciara_Turner]

This one was brilliant, and always love when that Dennis the menace fact shows up too

[@larswilms8275]

an admirable effort was made here.

[@luketurner314]

1:17 "specificity", one of my all-time favorite words, also comes up in CSS (cascading style sheets)

[@nbartlett6538]

This reminds me of Igor Judge, who became a judge and served on the High Court as "Mr Justice Judge" and was later "Lord Chief Justice Judge".

[@ThursdayNext67]

Here in Canada, there used to be a TV show called Beachcombers. The RCMP officer on the show was Constable John Constable

[@IceMetalPunk]

He seems only slightly less interesting than John Constantine.

[@mattscudder1975]

All I can think of now is “name plate capacity”. 😂😂😂

[@igorgylycheyev9294]

50 name plates per sq meter

[@ElliotMatteyOfDoom]

You can fit dozens and dozens of name plates in there, but they're lousy nuclear fuel.

[@3RaccoonsInATank]

why are you putting name badges into a nuculer reactor. that sounds like the worst thing you can do.

[@panda4247]

you are not thinking about Sgt. Reckless at all?

[@1e1001]

when you got a name like that it must go right to the edge of the…

[@columbus8myhw]

For anyone confused about the "sponsor" bit: Tom opened the podcast with a fake advertisement for the em dash, the punctuation mark.

[@josephlucatorto4772]

If you look up the list of ranks, you can see a newspaper clipping with the story on it lol. It has Dennis A White who was a supply clerk for the air force

[@mastersoftoday]

"Dennis A. White hesitates worriedly"

[@AngryKittens]

I'm genuinely speechless at only now finding out that there are two different Dennis the Menace characters. I think this proves that I'm in the wrong timeline.

[@empath69]

Two completely unrelated cartoonists in separate nations in different parts of the world, each getting independent inspiration: Hank Ketchum in the US had his own son Dennis - at the age of 4 - refuse to take naps or keep his room tidy to the extent that Hank's wife announced to him "Your son {Dennis} is a menace!"; meanwhile in the UK editor of *The Beano* comic George Moonie overhears a line from a music hall song: "I'm Dennis the Menace from Venice". And then each went off and created their own version of it - one with a kid in denim bib overalls, black and white shirt and a blond cowlick with a big white sheepdog or similar that's around the same size that likes playing in mud (oh! Ruff apparently is part Newfoundland - a water dog, makes sense), and the other in a big red-and-black striped jumper and shorts and a shaggy mop of black hair with a little black "Abyssinian wire-haired tripehound" that likes biting anyone and anything - they couldn't be more dissimilar. I don't think there's ever been even any talk about one infringing the other. Just a happy coincidence that they both went into print on the same day - 12 March 1951. (UK Dennis was in a weekly comic book that was dated 17 march, but put on newsstands for sale the 12th; US Dennis appeared in 16 newspapers on that day under syndication)

[@loddude5706]

Ah, but Dennis is a fire engine, Gnasher is his gearbox & Nee-nah is an opera trained donkey on top : )

[@columbus8myhw]

Here's a bit of an inverse. There is a famous rabbi named Meir Soloveichik. He related that once, when he introduced himself as "Rabbi Meir Soloveichik" to someone else at a political convention, they responded with "What town are you the mayor of?"

[@columbus8myhw]

(Inverse because it's his first name rather than his last name.) Not to be confused with Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks, who genuinely was a Rabbi and a Lord (or, rather, was knighted).

[@smithandshortdogs]

As a retired MSgt my guess is, Mr Sergeant Private joined the military rose to the rank of Lt. Col and was made the commander probably of a Battalion if he was Army or Marine, or a Squadron if he was Air Force. Commander is a Navy rank but a title in all branches of the military. I, for example, was a Convoy Commander because I had the position of most authority within the Convoy even though occasionally those of much higher rank were under my control.

[@jaywu1951]

you were close enough!

[@geekypaul_n7]

Tom mentioned about the name Commander Private and there must be one out there. It reminded me I once knew a Field Marshall Marshall Field

[@empath69]

0:26 first thoughts [with spoiler break] 'Commander' and 'Colonel' are never both ranks in the same service (former is navy, latter is everywhere else). 'Commander' could also be a posting or job assignment in a service like the Army: "Commander [of the base]" Lieutenant-Colonel is a 'sub-rank' of Colonel... There was a 60s actor named Dick Sargent, so it's got a precedent for being a proper name... And 'Private' isn't always on door signs as a 'rank'. It's the nameplate on an office door: "Commander, Lt.-Col. Sergeant, private" EDIT: yep!

[@highpath4776]

John Sergeant was BBC Political Correspondent I think when John Major was Prime Minister

[@shawnholbrook7278]

When I was in England, we named one of my classmates Dennis the Menace, he looked like him. When I came back to America, Dennis was a little blond boy.

[@SandroSmith]

What a strange coincidence. Only couple days ago Evan Edinger mentioned than in Britain they pronounce Lieutenant with an 'F' sound in it. And today its a first time I've heard it so clearly

[@nariu7times328]

That was AMAZING Tom!

[@mcMineoc]

That was a great question!

[@lazprayogha]

I love the usage of em dash there, for the sponsor

[@quintuscrinis]

Oh that is actually brilliant. Love it

[@toddverbeek5113]

Thank you for sharing the Dennis-the-Menace trivia, Tom.

[@joe_z]

As soon as I saw "Lieutenant Colonel" together I knew that's what it had to be.

[@timidwolf]

The American Dennis the Menace had a cartoon series in the 90s which came over to the UK, but "the Menace" was removed from both the title and the theme song!

[@elfmas]

As a brit I had seen that dennis the menace fact before, only because rapper Ice cube has a song with lyrics "They wanna have me in stripes like dennis the menace" I couldn't believe he was talking about the british one - turns out he wasnt!

[@empath69]

Ketchum's Dennis (based off his own son) DID have a a shirt with black stripes...but it was a t-shirt with black-and-white stripes, not Beano Dennis' trademark red-and-black jumper!

[@hannahranga]

​@@empath69the lyrics are now making significantly more sense

[@widge]

So pleased that Tom correctly pronounced Lieutenant according to his heritage, respecting his American guests and audience enough to expect them to still understand him without the need to translate to American, for a change.

[@blindleader42]

I'm still reeling from Mark Felton translating "buoy" for us Americans a couple of days ago. 😂

[@davidconnell1959]

Excellent! I’m loving seeing Tom Crawford in these episodes.

[@dennisbirtcher4522]

1:35 As a lifelong Dennis, can confirm THAT ONE is the first famous Dennis literally everyone thinks of. Not that I'm bitter. Anyway, rare Lateral I knew immediately from the thumbnail. Going to be fun watching them figure this out.

[@toddverbeek5113]

Which one? There are two.

[@jasonbhunt]

My guess was that it was the office of a soldier who had been promoted several times, and had just crossed off the old rank and wrote in the new one each time, like: --PRIVATE-- SMITH --SERGEANT-- --LIEUTENANT-- --COLONEL-- COMMANDER

[@HereBeDragonsYT]

I got this one immediately! That happens so rarely that i had to pat myself on the back.

[@stefanmisch5272]

Just the other day, I saw a video about differences between the American and British pronunciation of Lieutenant. And I couldn't believe what the OED told me. And now I see Tom pronouncing it like that. Is that really the first time he said "Lieutenant" on KZbin?

[@ori0121]

This highlight is approved by em dash users

[@johnnythegringo8855]

Wow, amazing working out from other Tom!

[@Daziryx]

Very good one!

[@Rollermonkey1]

Navy officer, Commander (rank) Sergeant's (last name) first and middle names are Lieutenant and Colonel, respectively. He has a private office, as indicated on the door.

[@Valpo2004]

I called it pretty early. Commander is the job, Lt. Colonel is rank, Sergeant the last name and private indicating that it's a private office.

[@AnonymousFreakYT]

I just missed the "private office" part. I was thinking maybe the door had the Col.'s assistant's name or something.

[@theprof73]

It's on an office door in a military installation. The commander of the installation is a lieutenant colonel by the last name of Sergeant. His office is private.

[@tparadox88]

I had been told that Commander was in fact a rank in the army (just that it's above Captain, which is much lower in the Army than the Navy), but this doesn't seem to be the case. It is used as a rank in some police corps though.

[@Zeyev]

Off topic but to respond to one suggestion . . . My father entered the US Army in September 1933 as a Buck Private (the lowest rank) on the Presidio of San Francisco and retired in May 1964 as a [full] Colonel at Minot Air Force Base. It does happen. He never used his previous ranks in his title.

[@MegaLokopo]

Now imagine if dumbledore had a rank like that.

[@mglenadel]

Before I watch to the end: Commander in the Army can be a position (and not a rank like in the Navy), like Base Commander. Lieutenant Colonel is a rank in the Army, right below Colonel, Sergeant can be a proper name, and private simply means that the office is not to entered without announcing oneself.

[@lmpeters]

Another fun but completely unrelated fact: as a kid, Simon Whistler was a big fan of "Star Trek: The Next Generation", and so despite growing up in England, he pronounced "lieutenant" like an American until he was nearly an adult.

[@sebelulu]

Let`s gooooo!

[@CompletelyNormal]

Why is it that privates sleep in general quarters, but generals sleep in private quarters?

[@CharlesGregory]

The How I Met Your Mother characters would be busy saluting with this one...

[@snababo3914]

I got this one fairly quick because a friend of mine served in the reserves and had a story about a colleagues who when asked to identify went "Private Sergeant, colonel" and the colonel though they were being made fun of so sent the man to do laps.

[@PianoKwanMan]

Well, in the Beano, there was a Colonel who lived opposite Dennis. He would have had to have been a Lt Col at some point

[@kazuichikazzie1567]

"Commander Privates" yeah but I'm not bossy enough to order hers around

[@IceMetalPunk]

"Commander privates? But I hardly know her privates!" "No no, Noor Privates are in the Indian military."

[@TheM0JEC]

This reminds me of a school near where I grew up where at one point, the headmaster was a Mr Dick, the sign on the door over 2 lines was Mr Dick on the top line and Head on the lower line. I’m sure you can guess how it was read and laughed at by the pupils.

[@Brian3989]

After I left school I heard there was a teacher call E M T Bottle, seems children used nick name Jam Jar.

[@AnonymousFreakYT]

I worked with a "Richard Head". He insisted people call him "Dick". (Because with that name, you either embrace it, or spend your entire life fighting against it.)

[@roecocoa]

The plural of Dennis should be Dennes.

[@benl9993]

i got halfway there thinking it was the private office commander lieutenant and colonel sergeant

[@still_guns]

Logan Sargeant has gone far since Williams dropped him

[@Becky_Cooling]

LOL 🦅

[@Bisonrulz16]

Before watching the video, I'm sure this isn't gonna be a unique comment but: Commander (Of the base, unit, whatever) Lt Col Sergeant (rank Lieutenant Colonel, last name Sergeant) Private (the room is Private) in other word's it's the CO, Lt Col Sergeant's office.

[@eljestLiv]

I love that it’s sponsored by Em Dash 😂

[@Magnumenforce]

SPOILER: I have before run across a Lt. Sergeant and a Sgt. Lieutenant from the same company, but different platoons. It was confusing.

[@GustavSvard]

Good one. But! When did the custom of writing titles/names/... on door windows start?

[@RFC3514]

I suspect as soon as doors started having windows (because they were already written on doors before then).

[@joegoss30]

I grew up with someone named "Mister Person." He went by the nickname "Misty."

[@glossaria2]

I know I'm going to regret asking this, but... how are the British finding an "f" in "lieutenant"?

[@Bisonrulz16]

It goes back centuries, but the theory is the British heard the French saying Lieutenant as something closer to Leuftenant because the sounds were much closer as you go further back in history toward Old French. There are a few English "mispronounciations" of words from other tongues because of the perception of how they were said. America decided to go for literal pronunciations largely to distance the language from British English.

[@Alsadius]

I think I might have heard this one before, but it seemed pretty obvious to me. Only took me a second to untangle it. This feels a lot like "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo", tbh.

[@AFAndersen]

I would guess it's; Commander as in leader Lieutenant Colonel as rank Sergeant as last name Private as "personal"/"not public"

[@MyRegardsToTheDodo]

Now I wonder if there ever was a solder called Parts and if he started off as a Private...

[@smithandshortdogs]

@MyRegardsToTheDodo during recruiting I was with a guy who became Airman Sample... there was a running joke about him joining the Navy...

[@sirgarberto]

After hearing the question I immediately thought of Major Major Major Major. . . . Actually surprised the answer isn't all that far off.

[@teh-maxh]

I saw this picture a few days ago.

[@bonelesswatermelon420]

4:17 somehow for the second time there's an F1 reference in Lateral. WTF IS A KILOMETRE 🦅🦅🦅

[@Becky_Cooling]

*Eagle screech as the remains of an F1 car comes to a halt at Zandvoort*

[@ChrissiX]

Got it (2 1/2 minutes). The commander is Lt. Col Sargent and it is a Private office. To be fair ... I think I've heard this story before.

[@turkbitig1670]

Navy doesn't have "colonel" rank. They have "Captain" which equals to "Colonel" in Army & Air Force. In Army and Air Force "Captain" is one lower of Major so Navy uses "Navy/Naval Captain" so not to be confued with Army & Air Force Captain :D

[@robertwilloughby8050]

Dennis sounds like he's the base Senior Inventory Clerk - I wonder what rank that would make him?

[@Wogle]

I don't think I ever knew someone with a "rank" surname. We did have a Sergeant Monday though (or was it Munday?)

[@freewave04]

4:21 it’s a private office for lieutenant colonel surname Sergeant who is the commander of that station

[@scorinth]

Of all the little differences between American and British English, the pronunciation of "lieutenant" is the one that shocks and bewilders me _every single time._ Language is weird.

[@geirmyrvagnes8718]

As English is not my fist language, I am completely unshocked and not bewildered in the slightest by this difference. I would need to have this difference pointed out to me, and I wouldn't immediately know which was the American, Australian, Nigerian, Indian or British pronunciations. It is obviously the same word with the same meaning and my brain just moves on to the tricky bits, like the three words in this puzzle that have different meanings.

[@michaelsommers2356]

I believe the Royal Navy pronounces the word the correct, American way.

[@blindleader42]

@@michaelsommers2356 That would be the correct _French_ way. Massacring French contributions to the English language has been a major sport in Britain for centuries. I'd bet money they don't pronounce _lieu_ (eg. "In lieu of..") as _left,_ because that would expose the idiocy.

[@AJigsawnHalo]

That sponsor joke (em dash) is lost to those who didn’t listen to the full episode 😂

[@RFC3514]

Yeah, looks a bit out of place in the edited version.

[@alanreader4815]

A door with five different ranks...? What a Ranker lol.😉

[@romainsavioz5466]

That's clearly a matter for rehearsal Dennis

[@nanardeurlambda]

1:24 so. private could mean the room is private. commander could be the person's rank this is still 3 words, which couldn't be a name (because they would simplify the middle name) 4:24 last name sargeant makes sense 4:49 uh? I'm confused by how that rank works, but I was otherwise relatively close. 5:31 oh! well that's just asking for confusion. also, that was definitely done on purpose, just to mess with him and/or the new recruits.

[@LiveFreeOrDieDH]

My guess: Commander is his rank, first name "Lieutenant," middle name "Colonel," last name "Sergeant," and it's a Private room. . . . . . . Edit: OK, looks like I was half-right. I'll take it!

[@cybergeek11235]

Just from the title, I feel like I've heard the story but I can't remember the context or any useful information about it >_< edit: yep, that's the one I was thinking of!

[@Becky_Cooling]

I got this pretty quickly; I suppose being part of a certain group helps though

[@ecchikitty1395]

The American Dennis the Menace was based off the cartoonist son. Said cartoonist let success go to his head and became a truly terrible person. Divorced his wife, hooked up with his secretary, sent Dennis off to military school, didn't bother to tell Dennis when his mother died.

[@williamnathanael412]

12 March 1951 is when Dennises the Menaces started.

[@IceMetalPunk]

Would it be "Dennises the Menace", like "Alexanders the Great"? 😁 (I literally couldn't think of a proper example, but I know it's a thing! My brain is fried lately.)

[@RFC3514]

I think they would have got it sooner if they hadn't focused on "commander" as a _rank_ rather than a "situation".

[@LeonardGr]

Then how or where did both authors come up with Dennis the Menace?

[@PlaAwa]

tank commanders are in the army

[@naplockblubba5369]

Spoilers: The first thing I thought of was if "Private" was actually referring to Privacy instead of the rank, so I at least got that lol

[@kaliberimaging5579]

I knew a Sgt Major Major

[@mxg75]

The fact that it’s a door in the thumbnail rather than a window as it is in the question makes it very easy to figure out.

[@IVIaskerade]

The captions are usually pretty good at getting each person's dialect and spelling, but when Tom says "leftenant" the captions still say "lieutenant"

[@lateralcast]

www.oxfordreference.com/display/10.1093/oi/authority.20110803100104836

[@RFC3514]

That's how it's spelled. It's a placeholder, anyway. 😉 ... (because that's literally what it means in French)

[@randomwerewolf1099]

The captions are correct, the English pronunciation is just a little weird, for interesting historical reasons.

[@geoffroi-le-Hook]

One of the lesser known founding fathers of the United States was Gouverneur Morris. I don't know if he wver became a Governor.

[@JamesBCrazy]

No, but he was a Senator for three years.

[@archivist17]

No cryptic crossword fans here, then. Parsing strings of words is Solving 101. Well done, though, Tom.

[@Fancyfinn99]

Hi! I just recently discovered cryptic crossword. I’m not any good at them yet though lol.

[@joelf1]

I am at the beginning of the video and I'll make the guess that this is the name of someone and naturally this Dennis thinks that that can only be a joke. There's this joke in Germany about someone naming their kid "Doctor" to spare them the long studies to actually become one. And since I feel like Americans are a lot more open to unusual names for their kids and do tend to value military service, someone might have had a similar idea.

[@el_es]

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk? *Blink*

[@StolenPw]

I really like tom crawford hes a nice guy thanks for having him on the show

[@Becky_Cooling]

Spoilers I'm disappointed to find the person's name isn't Logan Sargent

[@wiseSYW]

ah yes, admiral general president prime minister

[@Leafsdude]

I love that "Commander Private" was a phrase said by Tom Scott in this video. XD