Learn What Responsibilities Are Yours To Own | Dr. Henry Cloud

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Confusing responsibilities can lead to destruction in your relationships, both for your life and the person you’re trying to help. Dr. Cloud talks about how and why we take on other people’s responsibilities, and how that limits both their control and our control and leads to chaos. There are times when we put ourselves in positions of responsibility over someone else’s behavior. When we do this we'll wind up feeling the consequences for their irresponsible behavior. That makes us responsible for someone else's consequences of their irresponsibility. Think of it as cosigning a loan, if they don't show up and do what they are supposed to, you're the one that pays. We often do it out of love, as an attempt to support someone. It happens all the time, but it’s a recipe for disaster. Make sure you are responsible for what you own and let others take responsibility for what they own.

[@lindavaden451]

I spent 30+ years supporting a husband who couldn't keep a job and 20+ years taking care of a mother who refused to do for herself. I foolishly thought I was responsible for their well being which cost me all my money and almost my health. Thank you Dr Cloud for showing me I was wrong and also relieving me of the guilt of "not doing enough". I continue to read your books and watch your videos. They have been life changing!!

[@lizzas4574]

Wow you are such an inspiration to me after reading your post I know for sure not to follow the same I understand your frustration I am in the same situation now but will gather the strength to change myself 😢thank you

[@c.a.7877]

God bless you! You are so strong!

[@Deba7777]

"Don't take responsibility for someone you can't control"! That was just pure gold, thank you!🎉

[@kellyhughes5438]

Heros help the world, victims blame the world, villains hurt the world

[@margarethinds3906]

You are absolutely right!

[@dixiethompson3884]

The most earth shattering thing I have learned about my childhood was this. After just beginning to read the book Boundaries I spent a great deal of time confused about this very topic that I am not responsible for others. I realized all my life, from early childhood, that I believed keeping my mother happy was my responsibility. Even at the cost of great physical and emotional harm to myself. It was a really rough road understanding this, but incredibly freeing after it completely sunk in and set me free.

[@TrishCanyon8]

I remember being 19 and having a job and a little apartment and I had this revelation: I'm going to have to do this for myself for the rest of my life.

[@Mushroom321-]

Quite interesting adulting moment!, Thank you for sharing!, Im Rembering that moment too!! 😮😮🤔

[@FaithfulandTrue949]

This just evoked compassion for myself thank you. Left home aged 16, sometimes worked 3 jobs, first job paid 2.25 an hour, looking at the reduced food bay to see if I could make a meal out of quorn, curry & a loaf! I identified with the song "what if God was one of us". Paid my own home, driving lessons, car the lot and spent my life bailing out my family until I turned 40. Jesus redeemed me from a pit, boundaries really reveal what's inside a person - some surviving family tried to claw me back down and destroy me, But God. Hallelujah 🙌🔥❤️

[@bizygirl1]

Sounds a lot like my story

[@linadixie1]

But God! Amen look at you!

[@hlmannea]

I needed to hear this a few more times as I paid for other folk's responsibility Thinking it was a gift. But it was not a gift but a handicap. Thanks.

[@rebecca_stone]

3:57 "They're not making the payments on self-control". Nicely put. I've been around this dysfunction so long, first a parent and then via repetition compulsion in intimate relationships, I need to hear it described like this. I've carried the shame for these people. But it's not right, and not healthy.

[@JustJulesM]

God needed to tell me today that I'm not responsible for my husband's anger & excuses when I want to do minimal travel now that we are emoty-nesters. I'm still struggling with his anger but this has given much to consider.

[@livebydesignlaurie]

I'm EXHAUSTED from codepending for 30+years. Trying so hard to heal and get strong again. I like the practical word picture examples.

[@lemostjoyousrenegade]

You’re so fortunate to have had a parent/parents who put aside money for your college education. I do understand that MANY people have/had such good fortune, however, there are also MANY (especially in the US) who do/did not. So many single people struggle, working hard (in many US states) to simply survive, others overwork themselves trying to work full time, sometimes having a gig/side job in addition to the FT job, to pay rent (often as a housemate) as they either WISH like hell (or heaven, if they pray) that they could afford to go to University or they struggle to have enough food (quality food), adequate sleep and time to study if they DO somehow manage to squeeze in a couple of classes per semester…then there is the student loan debt crisis. You’re VERY fortunate to be able to do what you love and to be well/paid for it. Some of us have tasted the goodness of that experience. It’s WONDERFUL! Never, ever, take it for granted. Cheers! 💫

[@Ruby-wise]

Yes…I have become security for another’s responsibility. A proxy. A substitute mother. A” partner” who has done the lions share for over forty years. I was taught to believe love was the answer to every situation, however, My ability to continue is waning quickly and reality is painful. Plus…I no longer have the desire to do it. TY Dr. Cloud for putting this reality into words that I can understand and articulate. 😳

[@c.a.7877]

As always, Dr. Cloud is on point. I have been reading his series on boundaries for years. I grew up in an abusive home where my mother taught me how to be responsible for other peoples problems. My sister, on the other hand, is completely irresponsible. She has never had a full-time job, My mother abused me physically, emotionally, and psychologically. I fled my country and came to the U.S. as a foreign student just to be away from her. The emotional wounds were so deep, but Jesus has been faithful. I’m still working on boundaries. It’s not easy for me because I was brainwashed to believe that I did not need to put boundaries and other people. Nevertheless, I trust Jesus. The Bible says “we’re more than conquerors through Him who loved us.”

[@TheOnlyLila]

So so true. It’s funny how what we don’t pay for when we are younger we have less respect for as well. We don’t care if we sit tipping our chair back and ruining the wall, but we (I included) sure care if someone does it to my wall when it’s my place.

[@nozrep]

i remember working minimum wage after my parents cut me off for my collegial stupidity and it was $5.25 per hour in the year, 2004! Thank God I grew up and matured but am still in need of so much more insight and maturity, in my opinion. May God guide me to it!

[@txgrandma3]

This came across my feed just when I needed to hear it. God’s timing is perfect. Thanks for sharing!

[@triciahallknaut6932]

Thank you Dr. Cloud for God's Wisdom. I learned this when I asked the Lord what I might need to be broken, and found that there was a stronghold in my m mind where I was taking responsibility for my kids understanding that God loves them, which only can come from the Holy Spirit. (John 14:26) and felt such peace and relief, it was so incredible. and it was related to a sermon where I knew truth, but God didn't clarify until He gave me the associations understanding. God bless you! I hope that I can help the Body of Christ with as much wisdom and skill that you have!

[@a.d.b535]

When my Son flunked out of college, I told him, sorry, can't help you any more. He had to go live with his grandma, they sparred and in short time he found his way to a junior college and moved out and went on his own, took loans to finish college, repaid the loan and makes a good living now.

[@alieunscripted]

This came RIGHT on time. Thank you Dr. Cloud and team.

[@nozrep]

it has been very enlightening, educating, and saddening, all simultaneously over the past few years, for me to watch my own parents exaggerate, bastardize, and-or misinterpret our Savior’s message of forgiveness as their excuse to continue “putting up security” aka pay for stuff for my thirties y.o. sister and her baby daddy, simultaneously also claiming that they are not still giving them money. Forgiveness? Absolutely. Forgiveness with adult boundaries and adult accountability? Even moreso! I myself, was under the false impression for far too long, that my parents were dedicated to practicing truth in Christ. And the fascinating thing also is, they are definitely still Christians saved by His grace. But it has gotten so bad… that my own father looked me in the eye and called me an unforgiving arrogant a-hole, unbelieving and not saved by Jesus, to my face! Yes he told me that to my face. Look I have plenty of my own ongoing struggles with addictions and stuff, but I long since chose to stop allowing my parents to put up security with me as I hope to establish and maintain healthy mental boundaries for my own adult self against the weird and crappy codependency and disfunction of my sister and her baby daddy slash life partner slash soul mate who still explicitly says that he will never marry her. Yah…. welp….😅😢😂happy new year!

[@stacybutler4924]

Your books have helped me so much...thank you for your ministry

[@brendagriffin6742]

Very good video. I needed to hear it. 😢😢😢

[@lisacurtis8162]

Thank you Dr. Cloud, so much wisdom

[@Benjaminleo815]

My first job as a nurses' aide was $3.33 an hour as well. A long time ago. Great information, thank you.

[@sulenetaylor3978]

Thank you for this timely Word

[@yvonnecrozier4536]

This is gold.

[@denaclements3936]

This was really good to hear. I like it was right on point and only 14 minutes. thank you

[@saraliehitesman4547]

I’ve met too many of my peers in my short time being an adult, but I think I’ve gone through enough experiences to say something. I had to end my 5 year relationship with a woman who used and abused me, left right and centre. I am taking responsibility for my actions and the choices I made but yes it still hurts. Emotionally yes it hurts as not a friend but a connection with another person. I am free of the burden I was carrying around that wasn’t mine to take on. Soo many parents are handing over a false grasp of reality lately. Once you’re gone six feet under, no one is going to be around to save your sons and daughters anymore. No is going to pick up after the mess they’ve made. I personally have and still learning that I’m actually thankful for this before I’m older. I’m not sure if I’d survive life hitting me like train head on at an older age. Yikes it’s scary. So parents do want your child to be able to live independently with knowledge rather than waiting till your gone not being able to cuddle your 50/60 year old child?? Yea I’m serious.

[@nozrep]

boom. nailed it. i dunno if you are a fellow “millennial” or a zoomer as “they” are saying nowadays, but yep I agree! all these boomers that simply will not let their children grow up. Well😅, they let me grow up and cut me off as they absolutely should have, but not my sister, unfortunately, who is in her thirties with a child and “partner” who has explicitly refused to marry her but who still lives with her and uses her and my parents monetary support et cetera… et cetera… and well, my sister is in in it too

[@micheles.3587]

Amen, Dr. Cloud.

[@nozrep]

i got blamed for ruining christmas because i “clapped back” at a silly statement my stupid sister made against me and my parents apparently didn’t hear her or pretended not to and then they jumped into the middle of it to defend her when i “clapped back”😅. And yes, I should have kept my mouth shut and not argued with her ridiculousness. further….Dad claims to not give her and “her partner” money while I heard him say with his own mouth to her, that he will give her his credit card number for her car crash.😅 Welp, i guess yall get the picture… and I still struggle with feeling crappy about enforcing my boundary against her and “her partner’s” exploitation of them and their disfunction because according to my dad I am unforgiving arrogant ahole. This from a man who definitely believes in Jesus with all his heart, but seemingly is incapable of recognizing, that, forgiveness, with boundaries, forgiveness, without association, is an actual and necessary thing sometimes, if unfortunate.

[@hikerhobby1204]

Thank you Dr Cloud! Sending you Merry Christmas wishes from a CBC member in San Antonio.

[@algobo]

This so helpful! Thank you so much!

[@bethtaylor9773]

This is so plain - thanks!!

[@Mushroom321-]

Great Examples!! , & also emotional y . We wrent responsible for someone unregulated mood !! 😼👏👏👏

[@s.m.5747]

Codependency is the issue, setting boundaries is the solution and in the end u get BALANCE 🤔🧐🤓

[@pbfloyd5757]

I love this!👍😂

[@jackiemcmurphy7088]

This is a good word.!!

[@francesbrown850]

Plain talking that makes sense. Easy to listen to.

[@crystals6352]

Great advice 👍

[@Mushroom321-]

Reality has us meet the demands for reality " interesting thought process... Mindset. 🤔 Right! 😮😮

[@ivbazan100]

This is a hard call to make when as a parent you are standing firm in God’s instructions for a family with morals and Christian principles, but your 19yo daughter wants to spend nights and weekends with her non-believing boyfriend. She still lives at home and we are putting her thru college, but we cannot support that “part-time independence”. It’s important to know for anyone reading that this bf is not the ideal person. He’s a narcissist and always plays the victim. Just a total polar opposite of her upbringing. But thanks for posting this video. It still gives me a perspective to think on. I’m not close minded about what needs to be done differently if that’s even worth the effort.

[@emilykirkman8468]

That’s really hard!! I feel for you! We’ve been in some heartbreaking situations with our daughter as well.

[@ivbazan100]

@@emilykirkman8468 I appreciate your kind words! Seems it’s common issue for parents of young adults in this world that makes this type of choice so socially acceptable. In meantime, I’m still thanking God for giving me a way to grow this this. I know we’ll come out stronger.

[@saraliehitesman4547]

My apologies for my insensitivity to your situation with your daughter. I have to say from perspective being the same age as your girl when I had to make a choice. Unless she’s a legal adult at this point, you’re going to have to make a choice in your own life because she’ll keep being dependent upon you if that line in the sand isn’t drawn. I had to learn my lesson twice in life with my mother. Her line was option a or b. I had to choose. I see the choice you need to set up, very clearly, but it’s your precious Princess. The line is if she wants to continue living at home with no responsibilities, chores, money, and life decisions, then she needs to follow your rules NOT her ideas of living. Especially living in outright sin. The other choice is if she doesn’t agree with your rules/standards of living then there’s the door. Yea I’m sorry for being harsh but it’s the truth of the matter. She can’t have her cake and eat it too. 🎉❤. Reality is not going to hand over what she wants on a silver plate with all its luxuries. Yes you might be able to set her up for that once you’re gone but life sucks and will come knocking on her door now, and till she faces death herself. It’s life.

[@ivbazan100]

@@saraliehitesman4547 no need to apologize- your thoughtful reply was well received. I agree with you. We have already called her “bluff”, telling her her exactly as you explained, just days ago. And that if her leaving is to go live with a boyfriend, she is not to return home. She will be on her own from that moment on (no car, no gas money, no insurance, no cell phone, no expenses covered, NOTHING) We are so tired of the emotional roller coaster and finally threw our hands up and told her to leave if she wants. but it will be without any support for us, whatsoever, except our prayers for her safety. She didn’t leave….(yet). Only time will tell what stories she’ll be telling herself in her own head for the next adventure she dreams up. Oh and by the way, we found out (not from her) that the bf has been trying to put space between them bc he feels she has changed from the person she was when they were first only friends (of course! She gave away her innocence and he gladly took it!). When you said can’t have her cake and eat it, too- it’s exactly what I’ve also been saying. We also told her that we are not going to lay down following God’s way for her to not feel like she’s sinning by having our permission to come and go to him as she wants. Again, thanks for your feedback. I assure you it was well received.

[@saraliehitesman4547]

@@ivbazan100 I was praying that my words were going to have a good outcome instead of being a nasty person responding to your situation with your daughter. I’m very sorry about your broken heart about her freely giving away her innocence so easily to this boy. Yes a boy, he might be of legal age but maturity isn’t near being an adult man. I’m only heartbroken myself as I was the rebellious daughter not at first but I did go through a 9 year period of questioning everything I had learned, all I was taught, and much more to ultimately experience in my life. Most importantly though it was a good part of my journey with Christ Jesus as I did things that were definitely not pleasing to Him but I’m now closer than ever to Christ as my own personal Saviour, instead of living my walk through my parents or other’s. My parents weren’t able to support me in any manner at all. Including finances, emotional health, or even knowledge of what they’ve experienced to pass on lessons from what they learned. I was already on my own feet with no support, nothing I was alone with only God to turn too. I may not have a house to call home, parents who are emotionally healthy, a career is not an option never mind a even a job!! I haven’t worked for an income since about 12 years ago. I’m without looks, no fashion sense, lol I can’t even go get a haircut I desperately need, no children who are my own, not much travelling unless you consider me an avid transit bus passenger haha 😆, and last but not least I have lost more as the 4 surgeries I’ve had over the last year and a half has rendered me immobile to most activities for simple daily tasks of living independently. I’m aware that their are many others who have less than me and in worse conditions I find myself in dealing with right now. I am in pain, severe anguish and anger but not at God like I would have been a decade ago. My feelings are handed over to the Healing Physician and in His timing Hell cure everything to it’s extent. I am closer to my Lord than ever which is something I’m extremely thankful for, His death was for me and I’m covered by the Blood of saving grace. PS I thought would be to maybe investigate if your daughter has depression? It’s just a thought, as if her person is or has changed her slightly, depression is a very liable consideration. Again simply speaking from my own life’s circumstances. I’m currently praying for you and your daughter to be able to go through all this in building a better relationship with each other, that her eyes would be opened to what is the truth, and it doesn’t take as long as it did me or many other’s. I pray that you’ll be there for her when she needs your love the most, and of course God’s will be done and accomplished within His plans. May Jesus Christ bless you and keep you under His loving 🥰 grace of forgiveness from the cross He choose to bear for us. 💔❤️‍🩹♥️

[@nozrep]

yes I pray every day that my parents will gain the strength to release themselves from my sister and her partner. Alas so far, for whatever reason it seems, and that I cannot see, God has not allowed me to be of influence on my parents when I point out obvious and indisputable behaviors and facts that my sister is still doing. My mom, her own self, used to always talk about my “strongholds” of sin which were/are real, yet of course is seemingly, incapable of being truthful with herself and me about her own “stronghold” in regard to her daughter and her granddaughter who, “will not starve!!!”😅😢. But then she claims that her partner/baby daddy has everything, “taken care of” whilst simultaneously still accepting monetary security and support from my parents. So, frikkin, frustrating. And alas, I feel like I still just have to give it back to Jesus in prayer and maintain my boundary, which might even be a “wall”, which Dr. Cloud says may not be necessarily healthy either. So I have a lot more to learn about boundaries, yes.

[@vilmabock478]

Yes, we had cars and electricity back in those days! 😂

[@katiedid9601]

Dr.Cloud, I have had many such conversations with my narcissist elderly mom about why I can’t take responsibility for her behavior. I’ve now gone no contact after several very frustrating and hurtful interactions. It’s not the first time I might add. Of course the holidays are here. I’m feeling a bit guilty about being no contact over Christmas but neither I nor my family want her negativity and drama. Words of advice?? please….

[@SavannahMares]

Don’t feel guilty. Stay no contact. It’s for your well-being! Blessings🙏🏼

[@josephineclark3239]

Simply don't do it and keep your peace. Love and prayers 🙏❤️

[@stacybutler4924]

Amen

[@c.l.j.jardell5811]

Co. Signing is wrong even I. Was upset signing for. Our. Car. !!! Tho We always pay. The notes. It. Bothered me. I hate. Debt. And now a widow. In debt. !! Ugh

[@beyondwords2909]

Wish i had had the resources to pay my sons education things might have turned out so differently

[@terryripley8889]

How do u deal with disrespect

[@mrss4328]

What about the children of your own adult child are involved with no father available? As an adult it is hard to live with someone else’s mental illness or addiction. When they are not willing to get the help they need but it’s even worse. Leaving the grandchildren in the care of this very dysfunctional and hostile adult.

[@succulentqueen7737]

When I was 16 years old, my mother sat me down & told me (because she saw it happening to my sister's friend: having babies and leaving the kids with Grandma to baby sit & raise while she was going out, partying, & doing drugs etc.)... My mom said, "If you get pregnant & have children, they are YOUR responsibility and yours to raise. I already raised my children, and I'm not raising anyone else's." I knew she was serious, and that talk was the best birth control. She taught me to be independent. Your only job as a grandparent is only to be a grandparent. Give love (& spoil them for birthdays and holidays if you want), but do not be responsible for any of their needs. Your grand children are not your responsibility. Their parents are responsible for them. Don't feel guilty.

[@Bonnieuxful]

Should a parent stop sending presents to an adult child who has canceled their parent ? 🤔

[@juliemarie693]

I would like to hear an answer to this as well...

[@sandragee2864]

Yes.

[@lil_Miss_Undrstood]

Unfortunately, I am paying and have been paying for another's bad decisions, bad attitude, and bad behavior. I am now being blamed for all of HIS crimes and I am despised by all (who don't know me and shouldn't), excommunicated from churches, and so much public humiliation that I can't handle anymore abuse. I haven't been with this person for 2 years, yet he's using coercive control through a private channel on social media. This person has stolen everything from me, including me. This person is assuming the victim role when this person is the perpetrator and violates a perm po every day through others. There is no safety nor any escape. I had taken care of, loved, and supported this person in every way and all that is wanted is my destruction and then ultimately my death. What do I do? I get attacked every time I ask for help.

[@bettyconover4505]

Do you have any books on eating disorders

[@amypola5903]

Write and edit your videos please.

[@michaelkulka5384]

Underwear? T.M.I.! Haha

[@eleanorjordan3404]

😢😮😅😂😊🎉

[@Dina-ng9gf]

Children should never distance from their parents, and everyone wants the easy way out… Take a look at Asian families and how they respect and care for their parents as if “abuse” never exists there. It’s in the 10 commandments to respect your parents. However, what’s goes around, comes around. Their children will give them the taste of their own medicine. I have no doubt!