Unseen Manipulation: Jessica's Story of Covert Abuse

Resources:
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In this episode, we delve into the often overlooked dynamics of covert abuse within marriages, shedding light on its subtle yet profound impacts. Our guest, Jessica, shares her insights into these hidden behaviors based on her personal journey and observations.
Defining Covert Abuse:
Covert abuse refers to subtle, deceptive behaviors aimed at controlling or manipulating a partner without overt aggression.
Jessica describes how these behaviors include gaslighting, passive-aggressive tactics, and manipulation through silence or withdrawal.
Impact on Emotional Well-being:
The discussion explores the emotional toll of covert abuse, highlighting feelings of confusion, self-doubt, and isolation.
Jessica shares her experience of feeling constantly invalidated and struggling with the blurred lines between love and control.
Financial and Decision-Making Control:
Financial abuse, where one partner controls finances to limit independence or enforce compliance, is explored.
The impact on decision-making within the household and personal autonomy is discussed, emphasizing the need for financial transparency and equality.
Parenting Challenges:
Covertly abusive behaviors can extend into parenting dynamics, affecting roles, responsibilities, and the emotional environment for children.
Jessica shares insights into navigating parenting while dealing with a partner's controlling behaviors and its effect on family dynamics.
Seeking Support and Healing:
Importance of Community and Therapy:
Jessica emphasizes the role of supportive communities and therapy in recognizing and healing from covert abuse.
Finding validation and solidarity with others who understand similar experiences is crucial for emotional recovery.
Personal Growth and Empowerment:
The journey towards healing involves reclaiming personal agency and establishing boundaries.
Jessica discusses steps she took to prioritize her well-being and regain a sense of self outside the abusive dynamics.
Raising Awareness and Taking Action:
The episode concludes with a call to raise awareness about covert abuse, encouraging listeners to recognize the signs and seek help.
Jessica shares resources and strategies for anyone experiencing or suspecting covert abuse in their relationships.

[@janberger4057]

This is almost exactly my story. My ex-husband was not only sneaking off to casinos at every opportunity, but was also day trading in the stock market, which was the most finacially devastating form of his addiction. When we were first married, he lost $100,000. and he secretly borrowed the same amount from his mother to hide the loss from me. She blurted it out on a phone call several months later. I thought he had learned his lesson, but I was wrong. Then, when our twins were 3 years old, he lost $250,000 in the stock market. He was NOT able to hide that loss, and I was beyond horrified. We went to emergency marriage counseling, and the male counselor sided with him and said, "Everyone plays the stock market." Imagine being gaslight by both my husband AND the marriage counselor. Now that we are divorced and our children are adults, he has been able to gaslight them as well. They say their father doesn't have a gambling problem. My response to our children is: "If it looks like a duck, feels like a duck, waddles like a duck, quacks like a duck, it is probably a DUCK."

[@leslievernick]

I am so sorry! Grateful you were able to see the truth and leave.

[@cynthiafedrigon179]

Oh my!! Thank you for sharing! Exchange addictions and this was my story. Heartbreaking and so difficult to explain what’s happening… even to yourself.

[@jane77722]

So very well articulated! This is paraphrasing a bit , but I loved Jessica's summation and I echo it: Walk with the Lord and in His truth and love, accepting His love and grace for my life. Do this and I am inside His will. He will protect me, He will provide a way. He will make my path straight. Just trust Him. Live in the reality of what is, not what I wanted. So, how do I trust God in this? Remind myself of how He has already provided. Amen.

[@kaylees1072]

My story is almost the exact same as hers. God did prepare a new home for me during the waiting period before the divorce.

[@JenniferG-jm4rh]

Mine is about to be finalized. So many emotions... I am waiting on a place of my own.

[@SusanWright-zp7ue]

Thanks for sharing your story, Jessica. I appreciate your honesty and transparency about your own need for change. I’m glad you found a healthier life. My story is very similar.

[@donnaminchin8039]

Thankyou Jessica for sharing your journey. I identified with SO much of your story. I appreciated your honesty and transparency and encouragement. May God bless you as you grow stronger and follow His journey for your life❤

[@hconti14]

Thank you for sharing! Im sorry you went through this too. Same exact things happened to me. So crazy. Once we were praying together, taking turns, when we said amen he looked at me in disgust and said,” you don’t even know how to pray”. I was shocked that anyone could judge someone else talking to Jesus.

[@tinacleaver78]

This was so much my story...he was so good at talking me out of my doubts of love bombing when I expressed concerns but on the honeymoon everything started to fall apart

[@30daychallenge33]

There are so many parallels between my story and Jessica's, even tho mine was a second marriage and step-parenting became a huge issue. Thank you for sharing your story. You are helping many people like myself to put this abuse into words.

[@danip6648]

Sadly I went through a very similar thing. My ex would be insulting in a passive agressive way as well. He changed right after the marriage. He lied about money and blamed me also. He played stocks and lost everything. He could not keep any job. He lied, lied, lied. He was a monster! Cruel and very abusive! I went through sheer hell and was exhausted for years after leaving him. I think he was more than a narcissist, more a malignant narcissist bordering on psychopath. He said he would destroy me and almost did. God bless you!

[@leslievernick]

I am so sorry you went through this!

[@krystleanngray8164]

Thank you so much for sharing all this Jessica ❤❤❤Details vary but I relate to SO much of your story & it brought me so much hope & encouragement from the Lord tonight after having a pretty emotionally tough day. Thanks again!!!

[@EL-px4eo]

Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to so much. It is helpful to hear it but I am sorry you experienced what you did.

[@Missy-nw6ik]

My husband quit his addiction and it’s still not easy and we swing on a pendulum. I’m convinced that whatever is underneath an addiction could be just as bad or worse than the addiction. I can’t blame it on the alcohol anymore

[@natashamoniquedesouza]

This was great Jessica! A beautiful testimony! ❤

[@SurvivorC]

I so relate to this. He would disappear for hours to the grocery store. So many similarities.

[@susanmcmahon4733]

Have been through EXACTLY the same but in my case he was addicted to other women, God walked with me and helped and guided me through it and gave me a new home where I'm safe, God BLESS ANYONE WHO HAS EXPERIENCED THIS,it was ABSOLUTELY HOFFIC.

[@margaretchaney5627]

It is horrific if the addict is unteachable.

[@maryanne2209]

Thank you very much. I will be listening to this again. Blessings.

[@janberger4057]

There are casinos EVERYWHERE. My ex-husband has a gambling problem, so in addition to being a narcissist, he was lying to me routinely and stranded me for hours at a time at camp grounds, motels, hotels and even an hospital emergency room.

[@BarbaraGraham-Siegenthaler-i9d]

Thank you for sharing Jessica! I am still struggling with the fact that after 34 years of marriage there is nothing that is left. He vanished into the sunset, the family destroyed and the horrible discard. However, God is there trustworthy and loving. HE really is an excellent provider and healer, Adonai El roi. I will be glad once the divorce is through.

[@cathystewart1670]

Excellent confirmation. I can relate.

[@renearosser1466]

I don’t agree with her saying being hyper vigilant was bad. Or the reactions she had were bad. They were normal.

[@GODisAble2014]

I would love to hear her back on a new episode to talk about her co parenting (probably parallel parenting) experience. Obviously, if she is comfortable with that.

[@leslievernick]

We are planning a co-parenting panel. Thank you for this suggestion!

[@GODisAble2014]

@@leslievernick Wonderful! Thank you so much!

[@ChildoftheLIGHT]

Definitely helpful, Jessica. Thank you🩶

[@krystleanngray8164]

I can relate to so much of your story Jessica - thank you for all of your vulnerability & transparency!

[@jessicaj8148]

Wow so far this sounds like how my husband has been and still is. He just got T levels checked and the doctor says he’s not a candidate for BHRT. Which I thought could be the reasons for his grumpiness, coldness and distance.

[@donmoss568]

Totally my story. How can I get some health?

[@donmoss568]

I mean help?

[@iDelta77]

Exactly what happened to my sister!!

[@normatorresortiz7771]

I totally relate with Jessica. 😢

[@milenarivera4956]

Hidden little comments: I recently heard they are called “having a silver tongue.”

[@HerFragrantGarden]

What!! I can’t believe this I love you in the dust? No way those are signs not to miss

[@janm9610]

Mine would obsessively buy and sell guns and knives. Of course he said I do that because YOU don't make me happy....I let him do his thing, his money. Anyway, we divorced, he immediately moved in w " the love of his life" 3 weeks after our last fight in our 7 MONTH MARRIAGE, yes, 7 months. I've heard thru the grapevine that packages come and go from his house at at unbelievable rate( I know the ups driver.) loser 😂😂😂😂

[@designerssalonspa1163]

Hard to listen. Feeling anxious

[@GODisAble2014]

I would love to hear her back on a new episode to talk about her co parenting (probably parallel parenting) experience. Obviously, if she is comfortable with that.

[@leslievernick]

We will look into doing a co-parenting episode. Thank you for the suggestion.