let's get deep about MARRIAGE (pressure to have kids, finances, dealing with in-laws)

Timestamps:
00:05 Introduction
01:08 The Pressure to Have Kids
03:13 The concept of RISQ
04:06 Money and Children
05:49 Finances
07:00 Culture & Money
07:30 In-Laws
11:07 Infidelity
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[@riribash8854]

Fun fact a person’s Rizq can be rewritten and changed with a dua so never underestimate the power in talking and asking Allah swt for help. Also I feel like there’s a healthy balance between having faith in Allah swt to provide for you but also taking the initiative to be financially literate within the agency you have. Basically be the best you can be with the cards you were dealt with

[@cecelila5844]

I did not know this subhanallah

[@scarlettcosta4106]

I heard somewhere that the best your partner can do is try to fulfill 80% of your needs in a relationship, and some people meet someone that meets the "lacking" 20% and they cheat thinking they achieved a 100% when actually they traded 80% for 20%. At the end of the day it is still a choice.

[@lenina61]

Well said

[@sidramir3211]

This whole situation with being married + having 2 cats + everyone else's children situation working as a contraceptive, is basically me. I feel seen. Thank you

[@missj4085]

I've been married for 5 years now, we don't have any kids....yet. I get a lot of pressure from other women about why I don't have a kid yet and when I'm going to have one. I stop going to baby showers because it just too many question and I can't just go and enjoy myself.

[@imrannazir6931]

Agree with what you said about cheating and cheaters. Everyone is vulnerable, even those of you who express 'high' standards'. As for the men who are cheaters, yes it's true they get extra paranoid about their own spouses once they settle down because they think that all men look at women like they used to maybe still do. I used to work with an Afghan man who was (to put it bluntly), creepy and allegedly visited strip clubs. He got married. One day he brought his Afghan wife to work because she had to be in the area for some reason. He put her in the meeting room, kept quiet about it and kept her there all day with the door shut, he didn't want anyone to know she was there. At some point, he sneaked her out without anyone seeing. When we asked him why he'd done that and not brought her out to meet the team to say hi he blurted out 'Because you're all vultures!' ....... IMHO guys who have a habit of creepy behaviour seem to think that everyone else thinks and behaves like them, sometimes they are the ones who want their wives to cover up, wear a hijab and not leave the house.

[@laraibia360]

HAAAH! WHAT A PIG

[@getricked17]

Damn 😂 💀

[@Ashershey]

True

[@roosey]

No truer word ever spoken

[@skywa7183]

What if he repented? So shame on u for calling him creepy for that. Secondly, most men do view women as objects and he wanted to protect his wife from potential vultures. What's the problem with that? And it's not the Islamic way to introduce ur wives to ur male friends lol. What r u even saying.

[@MuslimMama]

You're such a likable person, MashAllah..

[@Almay20]

ma sha Allah how do u have so many subscribers with no videos?

[@onlysoraya]

@@Almay20 she probably used to post videos and deleted them

[@hallease]

Yooo don't be tew free at 9:51 das a word right there because your families will genuinely have the best intentions but they aren't married to the person - you are. They wont forgive things so easily, they won't forget things so easily. I'm very aware of how I talk about my husband to my parents when he's not around and visa versa.

[@TazzyPhe]

so so true!

[@IamJannietim]

Can you just do an entire video about your mug collection 😭🙏

[@Fay3-]

Always love the vibe of your podcasts, it feels like we know each other and having a sisterly chat 😅

[@cherryBlossomE7]

Another lovely video as always! Thank you for sharing your insight and wisdom! Older sister vibes 😊

[@salihat.9379]

Heyy! Discoreved your channel yesterday and literally obsessed with it 😍 I listened many episodes all day while working. I’m from Turkey and it’s surprising how some issues you associated with American culture/society is a THING for me as well! Your words really resonated with me. Happy to get a chance to listen you and know you. Bestt 💕

[@Cheesecake_mmm]

As always your videos are so timely for me. I'm speaking to a guy right now and I think we have big differences in how we approach money but I think financial goals is one to focus on-why didn't I think of this?! Also infidelity is something I worry about and your point about this is bang on. You're awesome x

[@ifra99]

Loved the insight about Rizq that you shared. So true and it’s lost on so many of us today. Of course we’re tying our camel and all that, but out reliance is all on Allah!

[@saml.purecats4695]

I think you're right about the fact we all are vulnerable to cheating ...but I think we should question more how we need to hide from very positive feelings like being loved and desired. Also we need to question why we need to be the only special person in our partner's life to feel loved. Great video though! Really like your channel!

[@tutsdgn4809]

I really likes these topics that you cover. Would be nice if you went into more depth of each topic 🥰

[@lailakhoshkar126]

I’ve never cared to meet anyone on social media but tbh I wish we lived in the same city. Love hearing your thoughts as always, and I need to know where the mushroom mugs are from 😁

[@salmainthemiddle4257]

Lololllllll the advice about the gender roles was my fave and also so on point 😂😂

[@Tifasodo]

I discovered your channel recently and I adore you so much ❤. I am a 43 year old Immigrant mom from West Africa.

[@ninahmuhsen2659]

I felt scared to have kids and was worried about raising my children, I recently had a baby and honestly it’s so worth it. I’m not scared and it’s super doable when you always think about all the blessings you have rather than the difficulties that come with the with a child. That was my experience.

[@sdoken]

Wow you must be so lucky… your child must be easy… for me it has been a tremendous loss of freedom

[@sdoken]

My child is often demanding attention, gets mad at us and yells for no reason (the milk is not warm enough even if it is as warm as it can get ) etc etc

[@marykmotherhood]

Yes for the in law part.... Putting your best foot forward, I agree.

[@HafzTopic]

Love you Tazzy

[@wardahdilawar2733]

Loved it

[@OnyxxRose]

I love your humor. Subscribed today from you Ummrah video

[@StateofKait]

Here from the 10k sub club - your channel is AWESOME

[@TazzyPhe]

Thank you so much! It was awesome hearing about your channel today! 😊

[@joelleweir9535]

Love love love the mushroom cup🍄🍄

[@321Sapphire123]

LOVE the part about gender roles. so true about a lot of the people commenting on it

[@maars75]

The tea is hot ! 😁👍

[@muzammilshareef1951]

waiting for the mug collection videooo

[@ahmedeldimllawi5092]

🤣the cat part got me

[@hafsahlemonada4066]

i loved this video, very much looking forward to the rest of the mugs but i just needed to comment for a good 2/3 mins i thought you were meant to be talking about infertility not infidelity for the last part

[@AKMarch01]

ooh! love your videos....but pls tell us, where are the paintings in your background from? 😭

[@ladylina1211]

Gurlll that short point about gender roles is me when I’m shouting at my screen when I’m on Tiktok. As long as it’s halal, do you. I swear all these social changes were for freedom of choice ?? but now if you say something unpopular it’s archaic and stupid. 😂

[@oliveayemi.4576]

Your fan from Nagaland (India)

[@marwamagdi2587]

what do you think about the argument between cole and Zenab ? on which team are you

[@ChristieHte]

I find it extremely irresponsible to have kids while riding the 'Allah will provide' wave thinking automatically Allah will give all the comfort and financial stability to that child. There are millions of children in this world that Allah didn't write wealth for, stability etc so why do these older generations think your child is guaranteed wealth and success. It's your job as a parent to do your absolute best to ensure that kid has the best upbringing and in this economy that means $$$$$.

[@beast9125]

Being optimistic is a key component of our faith.

[@indrinita]

@@beast9125 or perhaps being delusional?

[@indrinita]

Cristiana I couldn’t agree more. Counting on faith to raise children properly is not only irresponsible, but the basis of suffering. Mind you, most people in the world have kids not in a mindful way, but rather out of lack of education, expectations of society or because they need the income that they hope their kids will generate or otherwise need their labour in some way. Most people have kids for profoundly selfish or thoughtless reasons.

[@qwr742]

I mean I agree to an extent, but to what extent is 'the best upbringing' reliant or equitable to a considerable income, and how much income is considered 'enough' to then have children. I feel like this opinion could deter people who could provide sufficiently from having children. In my personal experience, trauma surrounding poverty has had lasting impacts and it took a while to deprogram myself from my parents' belief that 'God will provide' and realise that actually a lot of suffering and mental health issues can be reduced by financial security. For those of us that are able to grow our means or save, it may be the responsible choice to wait till you are above the relative poverty line. Beyond this level of income though, I think families can provide more than sufficient childhoods for their children, and there is unlikely to be a trend that additional money correlates to a better upbringing

[@skywa7183]

Most people these days have enough to buy new iphones every 2 months, but not have children. Interesting

[@patchworkpig89]

Can we have a mug collection video? 👀☺️

[@chayakapoor4859]

Talk in-depth about gender roles!!!!

[@SalvatoreChick1864]

Ahhh the mushroom Mug

[@emyell6646]

i would like to know your view on compatibility between couples because i know i will never find someone who is 100% that what i want however i am not sure when a person is compatible enough to be my spouse?

[@9393ily]

hey sis I’m not sure if you’ll see this comment, but a tip that I have for you is write down a list of non-negotiables that your husband has to have (eg. he has to be a practicing Muslim, has to have a job, he has to be between this age, he has to provide for your own house/apartment with no in-laws, etc), write down things that you would prefer him to have but you would be happy to compromise on, and write down things that are a big no-no (my no-no was I won’t marry someone who smokes cigarettes, I won’t marry someone who gets angry easily, etc). I actually did this while I was searching for a husband and Alhamdulillah I got married a year ago. Really having a clear mindset on what you’re looking for in a spouse is a really good way to find someone that is compatible for you without compromising on your personal needs and wants. It helps take the pressure off meeting a potential guy and later on finding out he wasn’t right for you. May Allah grant you the coolness of your eyes sis 💕

[@siddiqah89]

Lool funny about kids. I love love love my children. I love mothering. But yes definitely there are times when my house feels crazy but the good times really outdo the bad times. Also I don't think a woman's worth should be on whether she's a mummy or not. Hazrat Aisha RA and hazrat Hafsa RA were not mothers but great women nonetheless

[@marykmotherhood]

Yes totally agree. Love my kid but doesn't define my worth 👍

[@KS-cl8br]

I think let your husband have dinner with his family and you have dinner with your family. Avoid in-law interactions on both sides. You don't want to put up with s--t from your in-laws and you don't want to be in between drama between your family and your spouse.

[@piqueny8872]

It’s unfair women teach 30s it becomes difficult to get pregnant or the pregnancy labour is at dangerous health levels. While men can produce kids forever. In-laws is the way your spouse is They grew up and learnt about life manners from them If you can handle with respect and live and communicate with your spouse in laws will be the same hopefully Privacy standards and social etiquette should definitely be discussed with the spouse

[@larabraver]

It’s not unfair, it’s biology. Fertility does begin to decline and certain risk start to increase. It’s empowering to know this info earlier in life so that we can make decisions accordingly. Knowledge is power. Nothing we can do about how men can procreate forever.

[@khaddy72632u]

men also have horrible sperm after 40, women also decline in egg count towards then. Men cannot produce kids forever without a huge risk of stillbirth, schizophrenia or neurodivergency as well as inherited cancers. Its a myth so old ass men can keep blaming women and having excuses to marry little girls.

[@piqueny8872]

@@khaddy72632u men can produce as long as they have sperm, so many old old sick men have still having Children with fertile women. It’s the women who reach menopause or barren women who can’t have children. African apparently had the highest level of aids in men yet they kept reproducting spreading the disease in the wife and kids

[@hallease]

CACKLING at your gender roles bit as well

[@nightingaleplus353]

Okay I love you Taz but the advice of “don’t get too close to your in laws” is the worst advice lol. I was told the exact same thing before I got married and thank god I didn’t listen to it or I’d have missed out on so many beautiful moments! Of course one has to get to know the person first and have a different relationship with people who you know can harm you (same goes for blood relatives btw). But the general idea of caution is setting oneself up for failure in building a meaningful relationship. People can sense you’re keeping them at a distance even if you’re kind and polite etc. Then you will always be like a stranger. It’s a lot harder but it’s so worth it to be friends with your in laws! I recently saw a women with two of her sisters and two sister in laws all going out shopping together while their mothers watched the kids. I wish it was more possible in desi families lol

[@silverstarlight9395]

Out of curiosity, why wasn't the father of the kids watching them?

[@nightingaleplus353]

@@silverstarlight9395 They were at work and basically gave the wife the credit card to shop lol. I mean fathers do watch the kids. There’s no problem with that. My husband for example has been very supportive in that regard. But the previous example was that of an Arab friend, I gave that specifically to show how in laws particularly sister in laws and mother in laws can get together. Hardly see the two mothers of husband and wife be friendly in desi culture or even sit down to have tea together while grandkids played like that is what I meant.

[@Aliyahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

I agree nightingale

[@zua240]

Maybe that worked well for you but not for everyone, depends on how your in law's are

[@nightingaleplus353]

@@zua240 yes. As I mentioned, it’s important to know what they are like. But I was given this advice during the time I was getting married along with other general advices.

[@lindamaroney5393]

I think I may want a mushroom cup too!!

[@IbnSaifi]

Interested to know how exactly your and your husband’s culture is different 🤔 I believe he’s Indian and you’re Pakistani…. If he’s North Indian, then the the language is the same, and the food?

[@robotnitchka]

India and Pakistan are both huge countries with a multitude of peoples, languages and cultures...

[@houdabenyounes5743]

She's originally a Pashtun Pakistani and he's Hyderabadi Indian. Two very different cultures.

[@IbnSaifi]

@@robotnitchka which is why I asked for clarification

[@IbnSaifi]

@@houdabenyounes5743 I’d be interested to see how Tasneem finds them different. Surely both families speak Urdu- that can be the common language. And as second generation Americans, surely they’re more American than anything in their own home.

[@houdabenyounes5743]

@@IbnSaifi That's true. Also, people within the same culture may endorse the same values but associate different behaviors with them. Everyone is unique and as you said, it would be interesting to see how Tasneem with all her cultural background sees the difference between both cultures.

[@sk1984]

It sounded like "risk" but I thought Punjabis pronounce it as "rizaqq" there.

[@jaxamilius5237]

my friend, as someone who is 38 and do not have children, i will say have children now. why? because your children will need to you to guide them through life as they are growing up. if i conceive a child right now, i will be 59 by the time my son/daughter is 20 years old... 59 years old. i hope and pray you are young enough that when your child is 20, you are not in your almost 60s. think about it..

[@mishaz4820]

My dad was 49 when I was born and in his early 70s when I was 20, and will probably be the most valuable relationship I will ever have in my life. It was very cool for me to have mature, older parents---He was able to retire and be a stay at home dad for me and be my best friend. Having kids earlier or later can both be great, it depends on the person. If you're convinced you'd be a bad parent at 59, then how can you be confident you'd be a good parent when you were younger? If you DO want to have kids, don't let your age hold your back. But, you should probably start by not disingenuously 'hoping and praying' for something that is frankly none of your business and not actually a real problem.

[@luluah1198]

@@mishaz4820 you started Out fine then turned rude . I would say the same thing to a friend or family member . As Muslims we can kindly advise and I see what the Person above said as kind advice . Obviously it’s each person’s choice no one is forcing anyone simply advising from their life experiences . Yes you can be a good parent or Grandparent older . However I would say it’s a risk to have kids very late and assume You will be around before the kids are in their twenties and perhaps looking for a partner. The fact is with age ailments come up our body deteriorates . We can eat healthy exercise have good habits but ageing won’t stop . Fertility is greater before 30s. After 30s health issues are greater. My mother passed in her 50s from a long term condition . My father passed away 3 years ago. If I had decided like western society to start having kids In my 40s that would be now. So My parents would never have seen my children . Yes parents could have died earlier but in terms of probability no. In the west parents die past 50 not young like my mother . So I would advise fellow married Muslims to not wait too long and think about all of these factors because there will never be a perfect time . Too Many ppl think oh I must own a home, I must own a car I Must have 50k asset in my bank before conceiving . Raising children is tough physically . Yes I could have more children now but I don’t have the same energy levels as I had in my twenties . So think about all the pros and cons . What the west paints as an idyllic life doesn’t exist . It’s not idyllic being married and having children but if you work hard at it it can be a very beautiful rewarding thing. And I’ve had cats as much as I love cats the relationship with a cat or other pets and the joy pets bring is nothing not an iota compared to the joy a child brings . Nor the joy at seeing one’s parents making memories with their grandchildren . You don’t have to agree just don’t be rude about it

[@bevs9995]

So youre not having kids then? Considering we live longer, and have social safety net, we are having kids more post 30. Whereas in the very recent past (1960) over 90% of men ( I said men) were married by 25, and most couples didnt even have more than 1-3 kids since the 1920s-1930s. And I dont think you are too old until you are post-45 (for men and women.)

[@Wisdomseeker1028]

Women have a clock, after a certain age, perhaps 30-35 it becomes much harder for a woman to conceive and on top of that, if they do conceive theres a host of other risks involved with the development of the child in the womb or even during delivery or after birth. So if you both have income, just do it and put faith in Allah and take necessary actions to become more financially stable even when the child is born. Not everything needs to be 100% confortable and ready to have a child. Just make sacrifices and do it

[@mads597]

Bad advice, the one who sacrifices most is the child and they didn’t agree to that

[@floatingspongebob53]

I feel like gender roles are what's important in loving and raising kids

[@ChildfreeLiving]

I’m childfree with a cat! 😊 I told my (immigrant) parents when I was 12 I wasn’t having any. Of course, they were disappointed and told me I would change my mind when I grew up and found the “right” person blah blah blah - Nope! Someone’s gotta break the mould 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

[@ye23.]

Girl forget them kids. Enjoy ya life. These parents are miserable and depressed. Kids literally rob them of their freedom. Most are also having kids for selfish reasons “I need kids to look after me when im old”. I know a lot of ppl with kids who died alone in nursing homes.

[@Lolee56]

U sound slightly bitter there with the “these parents are miserable and depressed” if that was true then most parents would stop at one kid.. the internet is so ridiculous sometimes 😂

[@luluah1198]

I’m looking after my in law since I Got married . I looked after my father until he passed away. So I think you are basing this narrow minded view on your own group of friends and family and no extended Cousins friends of friends? And btw did you inquire why those Kids put their Parents in care homes? Was it always a case of neglect or they couldn’t keep up with the physical and mental demands ? My in law has dementia she can’t even Make it to the toilet on time most days . She can’t cook eat dress herself nothing . Me and my husband choose to care for her . But it is taxing mentally and physically . So i would think twice before I judged other Ppls kids as being selfish . You need to first ascertain if they couldn’t cope? How many ppl here can cope with picking up adult poop everyday? Believe me you need a strong constitution this is why not everyone is a nurse or carer. But children neglecting their kids yes it’s what their parents teach them in the west. They teach them To study date and leave home . If you raise your kids in that manner with a “me me me “ attitude what can you expect in return? Many Muslims are behaving the same way now. So I think they could be neglectful but equally those children may not be coping

[@Lolee56]

@@luluah1198 idk how awful of a parent or child you’d have to be to dump ur parents out of ur life like that… I’m a full grown adult and my relationship with my mom gets stronger and tighter every single day.. I wish everyone could experience that kind of love

[@luluah1198]

@@Lolee56 well I’ve looked after my parents until death and continue to care for my in law. However I had the same thinking as you in my early twenties . I’d say it’s naive and not well thought through why? Well if the person has such severe mental health issues and their needs are such you have to lift them Up that will be impossible for one person to do right? In a two person household and least one person will go to work to pay the bills. So how would you lift your parent if they soiled their nappy? You would need to pay for a full time carer to help you or care home. There’s no Solution for some people . As for siblings in my experience you will realise when you marry and become older they care more about their own lives . And very few will take care of their own parents . They have this attitude “I’m too busy I have kids and wife now I can’t look after you “. They all say this And hope one stupid sibling like Me for example will take on the job. I’d say I’m fortunate that my in law isn’t bed ridden . But she can’t make it To the toilet. How many twenty something Muslims here would say “I love my mother or in law so much I will pick up their poo everyday “? You can love them but do you have the stomach or Mental Capability to do this everyday ? I have my husband has but I now Realise not everyone has. And no They’re not bad ppl if they can’t tolerate this stuff . I believe Allah understands and is more forgiving than fellow Humans. I’ve learnt to be less judgmental and rigid in my beliefs in my early 40s

[@Lolee56]

@@luluah1198 those are definitely good points you brought up and another angle to look at it from. Life can be complex and each individual will do what suits them, what they can afford to do and what aligns with their morals. I think this modern concept of living alone and isolating yourself and having smaller families or even living alone all your life is what causes situations like this to occur more often. People can choose those life paths… that’s up to them, but it’s just something I noticed that is happened in the modern day. My grandparents are still alive and they have multiple siblings looking after them and they live together in one big house. Maybe I can’t physically look after my mom with no help, it’ll be hard but id hate myself if I didn’t… she’s my whole world, my mother, my best friend.

[@mohmmed1416]

the whole vid is a part and copying your parents another part 3:50 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@yaldakhaliq7886]

The mic was really bothering me because it was blocking part of your chin. Just fyi 😉