Let's Talk Respectability Politics, 'Pick Me's' & Policing Women's Appearance

[@100Stratusfiedx]

My parents always told me to try to look presentable because I represent them. When I was going through severe depression I didn’t put any effort in my appearance. I never judge anyone. When it comes to stereotypes it’s damned if you do damned if you don’t.

[@wardaxoxo]

I'm sorry to hear that sis. It's the whole thing of just wanting your parents to accept you. I'm dealing with this myself, and I will get through this. Thanks for sharing

[@tacrewgirl]

Same.

[@RIZEArtStudios]

Same

[@tomysisters]

We can relate sis, especially where mental health is concerned. It's so important to give grace to everyone.

[@tacrewgirl]

So many great gems: "People are telling women to dress respectable to be safe." "You're literally one small mistake away from being the person that you demonize." "You are literally playing with fire just because you didn't get pregnant that one time and all of a sudden you have something to say." - PREACH Respectability politics is a sad but true reality. Great discussion ladies!

[@tomysisters]

Glad you enjoyed it sis! We gave it our all!

[@jaysonsmommy10]

"You are one condom rip away from being a Kevin Samuel's example!"😂🤣😂 whew!! This was such a good conversation. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[@tacrewgirl]

Yes, this part! I was cracking up and repeated that part several times to make sure I heard it correctly.

[@CJ-ql9py]

Chillllleeeeee!!!!

[@davruck1]

All these judgmental chicks got abortions. I dated one

[@wardaxoxo]

Thank you ladies for discussing these topics. The term 'respectability politics' literally explains how I move in the world on a daily basis, never had the words to describe it. As a black Muslim woman, believe me when I say the judgements don't stop when you dress modestly. I have to also think about my safety even more due to prejudice and ignorance. There are some crazy people out there who would do anything, so please look after yourselves and stay safe everyone

[@tomysisters]

Thank you for sharing your specific experience sis. You've definitely added another layer to the discussion around safety and modesty. Stay safe ❤️

[@omgthisismeomgthisisme]

Can you muslims stop k!11ing us for leaving your religion thank yew

[@zenitsutanjiro8356]

When Courtney spoke about the dangers women who do not fit the standard of society experience and how it leads to abuse. Not only does it lead to abuse within our day to day but we can go further and speak on the abuse it leads to within the system. Such as the high mortality rates of black women during childbirth, lack of research into female illnesses such as PCOS (which effects women of colour mostly), Endometriosis even Sickle cell. Society views black women as harder, which has led to medical bias. Black women have been taught to mask their pain so they do not speak up when in pain. Furthermore we can speak on bias within diet culture and the harm it leads to for plus size women who develop eating disorders and even their health issues not being taken serious by doctors and weight being blamed. This topic is very interesting and layered. I love it

[@zenitsutanjiro8356]

Btw I know Sickle doesn't affect women only. It just came to mind how people who suffer with Sickle cell are treated and how there is a lack of research into it as it affects black people mostly

[@tomysisters]

ABSOLUTELY!

[@zenitsutanjiro8356]

@Hybrid Vigour what do you mean? I'm a bit confused sorry

[@AimeeBeeluvz]

I just want to let you know then when I get kicked out of my apartment for screaming through this WHOLE episode, I’m coming to live with one of you. 🤷🏽‍♀️ Wheeeww! This was such an engaging, insightful but also validating discussion. Well done ladies

[@tomysisters]

We'll take you in sis, we got snacks on deck too 😂 glad you enjoyed and thank you for listening! ❤️

[@chasitymoment8721]

The thing about Monique that got me is wasn’t her not “behaving accordingly ” the reason why she was black listed.

[@tashboog]

Um no it wasn’t

[@toristephens7208]

@@tashboog but to a certain degree it was sooooo

[@lilmakori]

I remember seeing this tweet about the Monique situation where the person said: because Monique has been fat for a number of years and criticized for her weight she may be more atune and critical about what people look like because fat people are perceived as lazy and sloppy. I think that was in interesting pov I never thought about.

[@tomysisters]

Interesting! We hadn't considered that take, thank you for sharing!

[@Lucylu723]

I completely agree with women having to dress a certain way in order to protect themselves, I am very grateful to you Sister Courtney for highlighting this because as you emphasised, many girls are neglected of the context for why they must dress a certain way and hence feel as though they are to blame when it's the perpetrator that people are trying to protect them from. However, I must digress and say that even dressing a certain way (e.g. fully clothes hidding everything) does not guarantee that you will be protected from the evil in this world as there are cases of women being raped full clothed. It's disgusting that it's the case but this world really and truly is not safe. Therefore navigate it wisely.

[@katelyngraham4260]

NAH this was one of the best episodes wth so many gems

[@katelyngraham4260]

from what was said about friendships being rooted in "being" and not doing" to the idea that the policing of women's body is rooted in a fear for their safety and that this should be interrogated and so much more. ALSO really cackled at the "some of you are descendants of servants" because WHEN WILL PPL WAKE UP LOOOL. I too am not fond of the "queens" "king" talk. But NAH love you lot man.

[@tomysisters]

❤️ ❤️

[@Mizjae]

With Lori Harvey being silent, it was my understanding that people were calling her names for serial dating and not claiming the guy on social media but the guy claiming her. This came after Future calling her out name because she moved on and minded her business. To my understanding it was said as a compliment, that she was out her living her life because she was doing what men did in terms of dating but they never get called names

[@Mizjae]

Like the time people were wearing pyjamas out, at leisure was born. Something new can be born for the bonnet. Growing up looking presentable was something ingrained in me. So if you wearing a top that has a hole because you cleaning, you would need to change it to go to the shop. A headscarf is way different than a bonnet especially to African people... You know what is interesting that some women wouldn't wear their bonnet in front their man but are ok wearing it outside. Like your man seeing you in your bonnet is like a milestone in your relationship. (No judgement, just a observation or thought)

[@danisacademiccorner4493]

As for me and my house, we will not be silent 😅 I'm sorry if something bothers me or I want to express my opinion I will speak up, there's nothing feminine about being quiet in order to be perceived as as a decent woman

[@tomysisters]

You better speak up! 😂

[@Ayooess]

I DIEDDD WHEN RENEE SAID “evolve not regress” and COURTNEYS FACE SHUT DOWN LMAOOOOOOOOO

[@nayanjintsoodol8060]

sammmeee!!!

[@tomysisters]

😂 😂 😂

[@LadyLebza]

“Some of you are descendants of servants” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 now Courtney! I almost peed my pants

[@candacecastle6055]

Absolutely love that you touched on "power" because that in itself is what has shaped the entirety of the human existence. 👏🏽

[@tomysisters]

Now we know that's right!

[@c.stasia1711]

When I say I could cry at finally discovering this channel. The fact it came up on my recommended, wow. One of the best talks I’ve heard to date, refreshing beyond anything. Thank you so much girls for pushing these reviving talks to the forefront, all while using your attained knowledge and vernacular, whew. Subscribed. All my love.

[@qnd_20]

:i am heeeeeeeeere for this conversation ❤️. thank you so much

[@tomysisters]

Thank you sissss ❤️

[@JennaCiela]

A different time and place years ago the notion was ‘everyone deserves respect‘ but where and when I live now ‘expecting respect‘ is treated like a bad or weird thing. I’m not sure if it’s the time, place, or both.

[@lilmakori]

Phenomenal conversation!! Loved how you talked about all different nuances and aspects of how RP affects people’s lives.

[@tomysisters]

Glad you enjoyed it sis ❤️

[@rxselxrd2996]

Loved this video, watched it from start to finish! Thank you both so much for your insight. I prefer to not judge others on their appearances, whether I like the way they look or not. I also believe in respecting everyone, regardless of their background, a general respect for humanity. I love the part where you said “you’re one mistake away from becoming the person you demonize,” that one definitely resonates with me. Helps keep me in check and only focus on how I can improve my life. All love!

[@emilyjeanpierre7272]

I think the whole silence thing is desirable “like Lori Harvey “ because is to seem that you are more submissive than the other way were you are seem aggressive.

[@tacrewgirl]

Yep!

[@tomysisters]

Definitely!

[@lacy4035]

I don’t think is about submission, when ppl talk a lot regardless of the gender u tend to loss respect for them except they re in a job that require them to constantly talk . Demand and supply ... The less u see something the more u want it ... U don’t have to clap back and talk about all the rumor towards u , the more u do the more they do things that annoys u , and then the worst is when u open ur mouth and say something senseless... Look at Obama , jay z , Beyoncé, and other celebrities.. Their is respect in silence and talking when necessary and their is respect in been intelligent in talking .. Rihanna talks when necessary, u don’t see her trying to debunk wen ppl say she is dating this person or that person, she don’t own u that ..that’s confidence and that’s what ppl love

[@glodaily]

She’s mysterious because she’s quiet. It’s not about submission. It’s intrigue.

[@jubiterr]

@@glodaily My thoughts exactly. I think most people fancy her because of that mysterious factor

[@YemiAyodeji]

Such an insightful conversation.

[@tomysisters]

Thank you heart ❤️

[@ngozikim]

I really enjoy your channel ladies! Very well spoken & endearing content! Love from LA 😎🌴

[@tomysisters]

Love right back to LA ❤️

[@K_m_g_l_]

I felt so called out in this episode. Thank you for making me think about my own blinders.

[@emiie.effect]

Now who the hell dislikes a good video like this ?!

[@mindovermatter9083]

Am one of them !

[@emiie.effect]

@@mindovermatter9083 what about the video you disliked?

[@idkbrosstudios8446]

@@mindovermatter9083 sucks for you then

[@unseenmolee]

i really loved this vid, you both voiced what ive been feeling for a while

[@sweetandsimple.]

Lovely episode as per usual! In regards to the dilemma though that friendship is a no for me. Talking every other day and facetiming a guy whose dating is a no. And why is he telling her how SHE will feel by promising her she won't get caught up? How does he know that? Yes males and females can have platonic friendships but as you girls stated there needs to be boundaries set of which in this case there clearly aren't any

[@Webbgurl2000]

It sounds suspicious to me too. She feels uncomfortable and should listen to her voice

[@awandeduma2753]

But Sisters, we are far gone as a society. It doesn't matter what you wear or where you go, your body is STILL a warzone...it's still a site for men and whatever adventure they're keen to have on that day. #RIPUyinene

[@neosekano9936]

💜🕊

[@mindovermatter9083]

Only women can say whatever u do is irrelevant how people treat u or what happens to u ! That's the most stupid thing anyone can say ! ..me walking at night , risky places ,showing off things it puts me at risk ! That's just common sense ...but what do I know? Am a man right !

[@awandeduma2753]

@@mindovermatter9083 I hope you feel better after getting that off your chest Siya. May God bless you.

[@awandeduma2753]

Lol, I listened to a podcast hosted by another woman, the title was, "10 types of women men should avoid" I met 9/10😂😂😂

[@tomysisters]

😂 😂 😂

[@lenanorman7847]

To be very honest once you start feeling are we too close, you’re usually too close

[@simplymahle]

Simple.

[@Webbgurl2000]

Right. He sounds creepy

[@cinnamongirl7519]

Interesting convo!!!!

[@tomysisters]

Thank you! ❤️

[@fannetteumwiza3344]

This was a great episode!! It was the golden lipstick for me....😆🥺 I appreciate you girls so much knowledge coming from you.

[@Lucylu723]

40:40 If I had to give a reason Courtney, I'd say the 'Silence' in this patriarchal driven society is viewed as a form of submission of a woman to a man that makes a man feel masculine, the same way a taller guy is seen as more masculine as he emulates some form of "superiority" that makes a woman feel more feminine.

[@Lucylu723]

38:22 To answer Renee's question I would have said women in a work place having to have 1:1 meetings with male counter parts (also in the same workplace as them) in hours before dark, in a respectable environment (such as a coffee shop) and not too frequently so that they don't taint their own image and have people start rumors insuating that the meetings are intimate, when they may actually just be meetings to ask for ways to move up the ladder in the company

[@faithkayy]

another banger🔥 excellent conversation ladies👌🏾🤩

[@victoriagrullon2620]

52:50 I do believe that everyone deserves to have a baseline level of respect. HOWEVER we can't forget that how you treat yourself is how others will treat you. So if you're falling into tropes or it looks like you're constantly letting yourself in the respecting thyself category, people are not going to respect you. I feel like statements like this encourage people to stay in the same spot

[@breannajoseph2018]

what is that spot exactly? how do you determine if someone is respecting themselves enough or not?

[@Webbgurl2000]

People will still try you. Why disrespect another person? Treat others the way you’d like to be treated.

[@deborahbell-theobservantch3759]

Fabulous convo, thanks ladies for the brains 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

[@mutomboinprogress]

My goodness, I am so enamoured by this podcast that I always forget to comment and even when I do remember to come here and show some love, chai, my brain is so ignited that I can't even put my words together. Just keep up, please. ❤❤❤

[@tomysisters]

Haha all good sis! We see, love and appreciate all the support ❤️

[@chinnysimperio]

Renee's expressions are giving life! Courtney said let's break all these tables, shall we??? Sis said let's get it!

[@tomysisters]

Better break all these tables!

[@jorgiakelly]

Hello ladies!!

[@jubiterr]

I LOVE the perspectives discussed here

[@neema_]

Yol delivered, you fully understood the assignment 👏👌

[@wazza1380]

It seems like every auntie has a son in prison 😹

[@mayaselvad5666]

such a good episodeee! x

[@Trose-l4f]

This is sooooo good!

[@realvibekilla3344]

Oo i feel like a follow up discussion can be about mediocrity vs the “queen” label

[@tomysisters]

Love this suggestion!

[@colvillethorpemusic]

As someone that's saved, shouldn't our mode of operation be, what does God require of me to represent Him, as opposed to I want to dress, speak, present myself how I want to? I, I, I, me, me, me, what about what He requires of us? Does it even matter? Not to be respected as I believe everyone deserves respect but to act as a representative of Him.

[@blvck.bubbles7195]

Hey girls! I love the podcast, this was a great episode (and so are all the others). I was just wondering what is the name of the song used at the ending? I really like it. It appears in my head at random times and I would like to listen to it.

[@LanaejaB]

I’m sorry but the traction alopecia almost took me out, I felt attacked!!!!!!

[@egef4794]

Phenomenal episode guys 👏🏾

[@tomysisters]

Thank you! ❤️

[@chichimuyoba1678]

This was the best for me to date!

[@tomysisters]

❤️ ❤️

[@blessedwithcolour]

It felt like an Ryan air flight 😂 indeed

[@tomysisters]

Just shaking any how!

[@victoriagrullon2620]

59:42 thank youuuuuu

[@shyanedelva850]

Why you gotta call some of us (me) out like that 43:49

[@neema_]

Could you have a session on pretty privilege

[@stephaniediana6415]

Hey guys, I loved the episode but Renee please move the mic closer to you. I really want to hear what you have to say but sometimes the mic doesn't catch it :(

[@welikelethabo]

Can you speak about faith and spirituality as well as religion

[@alimasangare4020]

what are y’alls thoughts when it comes to respectability within religion?

[@paolakamgang5368]

« You are before you’ve done » that just change my life

[@tomysisters]

Yesssssssss ❤️

[@charitynjokivlogs7897]

Yes yes yes

[@martinen4017]

now THIS title 👀

[@victoriagrullon2620]

24:00 I hit that mmmmm

[@DC-0711]

5:33 Tbh, I do not think friendship with opposite genders can exist, without one of the friends catching feelings or entertaining the idea of a romantic relationship together. Don't cry to me, cry to ya mama💖

[@issy0613]

I'm sorry but that doesn't really make sense to me. Not every guy friend you have will be sexually attractive and vv 🤷‍♀️

[@semmi98]

So you are attractived to every guy on this world? that's such a small-minded way of thinking. Friends of the opposite gender can actually be quite beneficial. Having a non-blood brother is helpful ohh. Stop seeing people only in romantic ways.

[@LaCréé.e]

Agreed. You can have male buddies but if the relationship goes to deep it WILL get ambiguous at some point or one will catch feelings.

[@deezname6417]

I'm a lesbian and my best friend is a man. We've been friends since middle school

[@DC-0711]

What did I say: "Don't cry to me, Cry to your mama"🤦🏽

[@breannajoseph2018]

#letblckpplbemediocre2021

[@tashboog]

Deep sigh. . I guess I’m a pick-me then. Lol I could care less about a label bc, thankfully, the world simply cannot tell me who I am. That’s the beauty of autonomy; tapping inward and thriving somewhere very distant of the matrix. I do not need validation from anyone, male or female. But I will say this. . I have come to understand over time who is deserving of respect - everyone. And while I have my personal opinions & attitudes about “common people,” I sincerely feel I possess something most don’t - and that is an understanding of my place in this world. I understand I cannot take myself too seriously in the bigger picture and therefore don’t hold others to my standards bc who am I? Secondly, how will disrespecting and mistreating others inseminate personal or communal growth? What exactly would I get out of that? So when I genuinely don’t feel respect another’s choices, I practice the love & humility I was raised with by minding my business and letting them smack into whatever wall they’re destined for. And I keep that same energy when they smack the wall too, no need to point and laugh bc it’s genuinely unfortunate. I didn’t always understand the fact that love heals but it does. And that’s all I can contribute to these intrinsically trivial matters of social discourse, it’s all a distraction. Now the reason I said I fit the description is bc I didn’t work so hard on myself to still be aligned with certain others. For example; from adolescence I never thrived on male attention and refused to trip all over myself for it. Meanwhile my peers did. I don’t think I deserve to be engaged like a thot when I clearly don’t put myself out there like that. So I will say things like “Na I think that area over there w the fake parts hanging out, claws, and fluorescent weaves is all you, babe but kindly remove yourself from muddying my presence” 💁🏾‍♀️💅🏽😌