Hello, I hate my body.

[@letstalkaboutstuff]

ATTENTION: I made a followup to this video in December 2018. kzbin.info/www/bejne/aYGmnYCei6aEjck

[@ContraPoints]

thank you for your courage, best of luck with everything

[@tibitibi9417]

[@wanderingoryx3710]

How is your voice training coming along?

[@lyudmilapavlichenko7551]

Notice me senpai!

[@ceruleansunrise8261]

I feel like the really strong link between depression and reduced memory function isn't discussed enough.

[@letstalkaboutstuff]

this is something i've been thinking about a lot lately and i do wonder why it isn't highlighted more often. i recently reconnected with a friend from high school and it turns out i more or less just don't remember high school. i just assumed everyone forgets most of everything from back then, but he was recalling things like they happened yesterday, most of which i could only vaguely identify as memories i took part in. it's really worrisome.

[@siginotmylastname3969]

@@letstalkaboutstuff this is something which I've seen more acknowledged for anxiety I must admit, and from my own experience it makes sense. I don't remember things in my life very well, and I'm in my twenties so yeah.

[@user-ip3mm6pr7o]

My memory is weird. I can remember some things more than anyone else. But sometimes i just dont remember anything for no particular reason. I on case forgot that i had gone to a chiropractor just a few weeks later. I had to be shown pictures before i could accept it every happened because it just didn't happen in my memory. It's kinda scary actually

[@sanityisrelative]

I didn't even know it was a thing, but I think it clarifies a lot about my crap-ass memory. (Pregnancy/mom brain hasn't helped much either. Children legit eat parental brain cells.)

[@dreadofmondays]

oof. watching this video the comments about memory really resonated with me. some of the best experiences i've had and most of my early life has disappeared and it makes me want to cry

[@natalian8495]

I’m at a point in my life where I really needed to see this. Thank you.

[@letstalkaboutstuff]

I'm glad this helped you! Not to be too self-aggrandizing, but I've since started a podcast about working through a lot of these same issues. It might be worth your time: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/trans-questioning-podcast/id1313551623

[@saccharinesilk]

wait, depression degrades short term memory and tanks long term memory? no one ever told me that, i just assumed that was just me having a bad memory

[@devinfaux6987]

What I get out of it, as a cishet guy, is that I wish I could give you a hug.

[@EsotericParadigm]

Your confidence speaks volumes beyond your physical appearance. This making you a stud.

[@Kate-uj9rx]

I know this is a really old video but I just wanted to say thank you for posting it I'm not transgender but I struggle with my body image as a harry chubby teenage girl and the way you described your friends wanting to exercise with you really stuck a cord thank you so much for being brave enough make this

[@reggiepollock4669]

Underrated KZbin channel

[@daemonnice]

Much love and respect for your courage. You go girl.

[@mrwho995]

I just watched your Game of Thrones video and left a comment referring to you as 'man', so sorry for that. You said when you took your shirt off you're sure we'd feel disgusted. I didn't feel disgusted at all. As far as I was concerned you were just a normal person who is a bit overweight. Not beautiful, not ugly, just a person. I know that doesn't change how you feel about yourself, but hopefully you understand on an intellectual level if not an emotional one that how you see yourself is not how others see you. Good luck with whatever path you decide to take with your body. Either way, you make good content and definitely deserve more subs. I'll be interested to see a video on Better Call Saul season 4 when it releases, given that you talked about it in the GoT video. All the best :) And good luck with whatever path you decide to take with your body, whether that be transitioning, trying weight loss again, or even doing nothing. I really hope you find a way to feel comfortable in yourself. And from a selfish standpoint I'll look forward to more videos!

[@maddodeuil3342]

Thank you for posting this. It's deeply exhausting to try and stick to a standard just to feel like a valid human being. But you dont have to, we shouldnt have to. I see you, the way you are now, the way you were, the way you will become, you deserve to find peace with your body.

[@scrunglenut6222]

I started transitioning a year ago, at 22. I too suffer from severe mental illness through complex PTSD and I really really relate to.... just not having the energy for things. It's gotten a lot better the more I transition, because being able to be seen the way I want to be seen makes going outside and doing things a lot easier. Thank you for this. I will say that I felt exactly the same way before I started transitioning. I hope it can help you as much as it helped me.

[@lukecpjensen]

Just thought I'd comment to let you know that your view that your body is objectively disgusting is not true! I'm not just saying this to be like "you look fine sweetie" but legitimately there are a vast number of people in this world that appreciate body types that aren't just "thin" and "muscular". I count myself among them. Obviously your personal feelings about your body are valid, but I mention this to help you understand that there is no objective beauty or digust. So if you're feeling like everyone thinks you're disgusting you should know there's A LOOOOT of people that would disagree. And they aren't just trying to coddle you!

[@lettucetomatoebacon]

I'd like to second that, but also acknowledge it is strangely difficult for people who aren't conventionally attractive, or at least attractive in the way people are "supposed" to be attractive, to accept that. I was chatting with a friend of mine about it. Both of us have had the opportunity to sleep with some very good looking people, but neither of us have an easy time truly accepting their compliments. If someone was telling me how much they liked a movie I hated, I don't think I'd be as dismissive of that idea as much as I am dismissive of compliments toward my appearance. And I think: isn't it a little rude to not even try to understand his point of view? Very strange.

[@Jay32954]

Body shape is mainly a result of metabolism, which you can't change. You can however change your body shape, albeit with a lot of work. But no one should *have to* to feel like they fit into society's version of what they're *supposed to be*. That's just social conditioning, and it helps no one but the companies and advertising agencies that have carefully calculated the best ways to make you feel insecure about your appearance, and they can all go to hell.

[@mararoth713]

This was so, so needed. Thank you so much for making this and I hope whatever path you take leads to feeling at home in your own skin.

[@scdt7241]

Hey Sarah. Just wanted to let you know I just started listening to your podcast, and I came here to watch this. Your experience mirrors my own so accurately it's scary. I actually broke down about 6 seconds before you did in the video. As I started crying, I was thinking "How are you holding it together?" and then you caught up to me. You have made a profound difference in my life. Thank you.

[@Tuckerzm]

Wow! this video is like starring into the sun. I'm not ready. thank you.

[@CarbonUnitX]

I was crying with you while I watched this. It was so painfully relatable and courageous of you to make. Thank you. You pretty much voiced my experience too, of not having the "default" trans experience and having depression complicate things, making it take a long time to understand why everything is so insanely difficult, especially with my body and social situations. I have also felt shame for all my luck and privilege and felt like I don't deserve what good I've got because I can't enjoy it like I "should". And like you explained, chronic depressive episodes and related self-destructive behaviour have in the past distorted what good memories there are. So it's been a challenge to find hope and break out of that loop of negativity. I don't know yet what you've been up to since making this as I only just subscribed but I hope things don't feel quite as bleak today. I have been socially transitioning (and medically asap) for about 2 years now and while it's a relief to finally understand myself the thought of possibly never being entirely rid of dysphoria no matter what and being regarded as even more of a freak if I'm being myself (gender non-conforming "feminine" FTM vs a "real man") is daunting, to put it mildly... But I feel it's what I had to do and I don't regret it for a second. I hope you find the path that works for you as well.

[@ladylordeve]

I just came out as non binary last month before a long and frustrating journey of self dicovery and this video just made me feel so much more valid and relieved because one of the first things that always made me doubt in this journey is the fact that I'm overweight, I'm hairy, most of my closet is from the masculine part of the store and that I still kind of like my beard and that made me feel like a fake, like a poser, it made me feel like I'm an ofense against all the other non binary people who can get easily into a more adroginous aesthetic and watching this actually made feel happy that I didn't let all those thought win me over all this long, I just wanna say thank you Sarah

[@TheAgavi]

Yesterday watching a video of yours made me write up a draft for one of my own. Today watching a video of yours gave me the guts to put my face on camera. Thanks. Much love.

[@letstalkaboutstuff]

i look forward to seeing it!

[@TheAgavi]

Thanks, might be a couple of weeks before I've got my lights set up so that it looks semi-profesh :)

[@joshblack4151]

I just watched this, I have so many feelings and not enough words. But you make being human feel good. Which may sound simplistic, but that's the best I'm able to come up with at the moment. Your vulnerability and thoughtful words were able to open me up to the universality of human experiences while also providing me with a profound respect for the differences of individual's experiences. I'm better for watching this, and I'm grateful you made it.

[@wes4439]

This video is so brave.💜 As a fellow "fat, hairy, trans" I can relate so much. 22:42 "We don't learn to accept differences by pretending they don't exist." I love this quote. It makes me think of people who claim they're colorblind ("I don't see race") or about us say "Transmen are men. Transwomen are women." On the one hand, I agree with the sentiment, but on the other I wonder why/if they need they need to ignore our differences to "accept" us.

[@orvilpym]

What a great video! Thank you. (And also thank you for the amazing music recommendation!!!)

[@ellytheghost1099]

thank you for making this :) before I transitioned I used to pluck at my chin with tweezers for hours trying to get every hair, and even if there weren't hairs I would still pick at that same area as if the ghost of my puberty chin was haunting me. That human condition tho amirite ;) best of luck bobo

[@rei-chan6184]

A friend showed me the transitioning video and I found this afterwards. You're a queen among queens, and it heals so much pain to see every single bit of my struggle in you that I am not alone in it as a 24 year old who recently lost both parents and came out trans after and am 290 pounds. Stay strong friendo, and thank you. ❤️

[@jesswilliams1436]

You know whats gorgeous? Your honesty, your vulnerability, your unique yet entirely universal sense of humanness. I may not know you, but im so proud of you. Thank you so much for sharing

[@unclassedmedia]

I can't tell you how much of this I relate to. I really hope you find a way through this that brings you the joy you deserve

[@Jay32954]

While I'm not trans, this video really hits home for me. Especially this part: "you're not defective, you just had incorrect expectations for yourself"

[@xw591]

Yes, it's a really fantastic quote!

[@timscott5397]

Thank you for all your wonderful work and honesty you sweet sweet angel

[@elleclayton3198]

Thank you so much for making this.I wish I had the words to convey how grateful I feel right now.

[@EsotericParadigm]

I see you, and in you I see all other human beings, flawed as we are. Take care.

[@q_rsqrt5140]

Watching this video beeing in similar point with gender and general body this is extremely powerful and empowering due to your courage and message. I cannot express my gratitude towards you!

[@MideoKuze]

I wanna offer a little bit of reassurance: 1. Hormones are magic, they vastly reduce hair growth (this is important personally as previously hair had been uh.. unmanageable let's say), and changed the shape of my body in ways I found dramatic and sometimes unexpected 2. There are some things you will eventually have to make peace with, but making peace is easier when you feel better about some things (everyone has to make peace with their body eventually in some respects) 3. Laser is definitely expensive, but not that time-consuming. It's mostly painful and difficult to schedule for the busy. Bearable. Nothing trans is cheap and this is the place where there is no silver lining 4. Wigs are powerful tools (also kinda expensive but yeah worth) 5. I see potential in your shoulders and arms 6. Nobody thinks they can successfully transition at first, yet pretty much everyone can, I've got trans friends with all kinds of body types and most who try can pass. Not really stealth, but that becomes less important the more you respect yourself and acquire a friend group that respects you, too. And spend most of your time far away from unsafe places. Largely, transitioning is easier the more privilege you have, especially with class considerations. I'm sorry. But given how many of us are poor and manage to transition anyway (again, many folks I know included), barriers can be scaled (albeit with considerably greater effort). Also hormones are cheap and have the most dramatic effect of anything you can do. So yeah. You can get there. Anyone can, honestly. This is a good point though. Can't argue with it. It is unjust that hatred of bodies is beat into us and we must struggle to unlearn it and convince the whole world to unlearn together with us. One must, however, invariably make peace with the world they inhabit, even as they struggle against it. There is nothing to do with injustice in this moment but tolerate that it cannot be made to disappear. We struggle not for a minute from now or an hour from now, but for all the generations that will come after.

[@letstalkaboutstuff]

thanks for this! i did this video almost a year ago, and as of now i've been on hormones for almost 4 months. i can say i've really been feeling better about myself, especially my face. it helps that i've lost a lot of weight since this video. do you mind if i ask how long before you started seeing reduced hair growth from hormones?

[@kellybraille]

What a Buffoon - Wooo! That last paragraph was like a needle, right into my heart. So much truth in there. (in everything you said, but for me, particularly the whole last paragraph). Words fail... but just.... yeah. So much "yeah."

[@natataniel]

Thank you for making this. I relate very deeply, you've reached into my mind and pressed a lot of painful buttons - I'm fat, depressed, and trans too. However, I'm a trans guy, which *generally* tolerates more deviation from the ideal in presentation... but is not much more forgiving of being fat. Most of the visible transmen on the internet, at least in my experience, seem to be skinny young boys. If you're fat, binding will never be perfect, not to mention the more mass in general the more mass up top. And every wrong shape is exaggerated.... at least after a bunch of hormones I'm fat in the right general shape, but still fat, with all of what you said. And the depression, and ... Like I said, I relate. Thank you again. You've made me feel so much less alone. This video's been out for a while, so I hope things have been going better for you. Good luck!

[@soy4138]

Both your videos on transitioning really resonated with me and it's so weird how sometimes we find representation in the most unexpected of people and places. I've been crying since watching both the videos. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I hope things do get better for you and that you feel yourself more at home in your body. Sending love and support! Ps where can I find your podcast?

[@letstalkaboutstuff]

trans-questioning-podcast.pinecast.co/

[@frogboy420]

nuhuh!!! you are not disgusting!!!!! you're so so so pretty to me despite every flaw you see in yourself!!! as soon as you took off your shirt your tummy made me smile!!! tummies are so good!! :,( pls dont bully your squishiness!!! you are just trying to vibe and i appreciate that so much!! I absolutely see you!

[@KnockingNarcPros]

This is really heart hitting. I really appreciate you making this video for a myriad of reasons. I feel like I know you a little better now and I really look forward to getting to know you and seeing your future unfold. As always, best of luck in everything you do.

[@ComradePhoenix]

Oh god, I'm feeling personally described by this relatable content.

[@b9brett]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I can't understand all you experience as a cis man but I have felt a lot of these things at some point in my life and my weight is the current one. Expectations fuck us up. Thank you so much for your courage, honesty and just existing. Sending so much love!

[@siginotmylastname3969]

Honestly I started this video and almost immediately kinda wanna cry. You made an amazing video about this but I don't know how. Also I can assure you some of us love a bummer!!! I'm also not overweight, but because of executive functioning problems(and probably dysphoria) would also struggle to maintain routines for all kinds of stuff. But I will say that I didn't start exercising regularly until I could get my eating habits sorted, and couldn't do that until my mood was drastically improved by even a few people who treated me the way I needed for social dysphoria. While I have done the cliche AFAB pre transition things like changing my hair and clothes, I also know I am nowhere near being perceived the way I want to be with strangers and distant friends (heck even my closest family). And yet just that small bit of social transition can do wonders for your mood. I don't feel disgust for your body or anyone else's, except my own. Somehow we all have to own our own perspectives until we don't have these sorts of wordless feelings of disgust which we can barely face because we don't truly know how they were put there in the first place. I also agree that there isn't any reductive universal trans story. I often start dismissing I even HAVE dysphoria, ironically while I'm in the middle of it. It just doesn't work, to say we have the wrong body or anything else, no matter how woke sounding it is. And massive hugs for the ending, I was crying there too. One thing's for sure, you have an amazing talent when it comes to these videos, discussions and lectures. I wish you luck in your battles against dysphoria, depression and society, and hope you find some companions to keep you going.

[@taylorwanstall1521]

Thank you for making this video.

[@Bucherviews]

It breaks my heart to see someone this low about themselves, especially when you'd finished and just everything looked like it finally caught up with you. I hope that you, in time, make peace with yourself, and hopefully transition should make all of this stuff easier to cope with too. I know that when I'm feeling low, everything seems to intensify and attack me from all sides at once - insecurity, dysphoria, self-sabotage, etc. Alleviating one area of that should make you better able to tackle everything else, because it won't be sapping your energy and dragging the rest of the stuff down with it. Stay strong, and know that you're not alone - it's an absolute tragedy that our culture villifies people for living in certain types of bodies. Bodies that are, actually, pretty normal, for any gender - plenty of women I know (both cis and trans) have exactly the same worries about themselves.

[@vestigium683]

"Be honest. You felt disgust the moment you saw me shirtless." Here's me being honest: I didn't feel disgust at all. I felt something complicated that I haven't felt before. I'm leaving it here not because I necessarily think you want to read it or reopen old wounds, but because some of your followers might relate to it. Here are the things I felt - all within the span of a split second. The first thing I felt was "oh hey, I look like that": as a not-super-thin amab non-binary person, yours (and mine) is not a body type that I see reflected very often, either in queer spaces or in society at large. This was a nice surprise, and a feeling of relief. The next thing that came to my mind was how much I hate my body too. I've questioned before how much of it is gender-related and how much of it is just that being fat and hairy is universally shamed. A brief mental picture flashed up of me seeing myself in the mirror, and I felt exactly the kind of disgust you were describing. And finally, instinctively, when I saw you and found in you a rare reflection of myself, I braced myself for the instinctive disgust to arrive. But it never did. Even in your close-ups, I never felt even a twinge of disgust. Every time a picture of *myself* popped into my head, I felt it; but when I was seeing you, I didn't. Images of your body felt completely emotionally neutral to me. It turns out that I don't hate bodies *like* mine. I don't hate fat and hairy bodies. I hate *my* body specifically. And that's an important revelation. Perhaps it means that I hate it because it's *me*, not because it's fat and hairy: even if I was thin and hairless, I'd find another reason to hate it, because the fat and the hair are just excuses. Perhaps it means that I don't even really hate my body: I hate *myself*, whatever that means, and my body is just a convenient, visible, tangible representation of myself to project that hatred onto. Thanks.

[@ShmazProducts]

Thank you for making this video. I see you; and you're worth seeing.

[@TheBubblegumWitch]

I'm Fat Hairy Trans and thankfully I stopped hating my body for the most part a little under a year ago. But I still really needed this video. I cried at how you were so able to put words so clearly together that described what I had felt for years and years. And by being visible I am also able to see myself and feel seen. I'm still crying. Thank you. I just watched the Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions on Monday because that is a trans holiday I now celebrate because of your work. I came here from your most recent video which I haven't finished, but am loving. I just wanted to really thank you for your work because it means a great deal to me.

[@adamschlinker972]

"Can't have people celebrating who they are." Oof. Like, wow. This made me really sad about society. And for people who have been pushed to the fringe for things they cannot control. Thank you so much for sharing your body and this video.

[@JustJen1386]

Your words and courage are gorgeous 💜

[@whoiamforever]

I know how you feel, I also hate my body, I wish you the best and that we both can wade through!

[@SailorCandi]

I paused science fiction to watch this and then to hear in the water kinda made me freak out

[@YukiKurosame]

i looked at the title and already i relate strongly

[@swarren6092]

I wish I was better with words, but here goes...I happened across the video about the matrix sequels last night. I really enjoyed your perspective and appreciated your energy and overall vibe. That led to me watching the video on Bound, which again I thoroughly enjoyed. And then tonight, this was suggested...and holy shit....this was the most honest, raw, and relatable piece of content I have ever seen. I ugly cried through 90% of this because of how much I can relate to where I'm at now, give or take a year or two. Thank you so much for giving me hope! I know that when this was made you had no way of knowing what the future would bring and I know how scarry that can be. Thank you for being you! This was beautiful, and you are a beautiful human being!

[@wamyc]

I really appreciate you putting yourself out there like this. I needed to see it.

[@victorianeechan]

I'm really happy to see all these comments saying they weren't disgusted at all, because it's exactly what I wanted to say. I wasn't disgusted and, by the end of the video, I couldn't hate you body even if I tried, because I connected to you. I can't hate you or you body because I, in many ways, am you. When you talked about how it feels to jock with friends, about thinking again and again if the skin is showing off, about becoming thinner. When you cried, I was busting into tears and, god, it's just a screen, you're in the USA (I assume), I'm here in Brazil, but I feel like we are in this together, all of us, weird, fat, poc, trans and disabled people, together living the experience of desperately trying to grasp very little bit of self-acceptance and love that we find. We can't keep hating ourselves and each other. I wish you the best transition possible (probably a bit late), keep up the good fight.

[@DevinJuularValentine]

I just stumbled upon this video because I was looking up videos to burn Iron Fist and I did not expect to end up here - that video was brilliant by the way, I learnt something new about the brickolage (sp) thing. First I just want to commend you on your videography skills, those were long shots with barely any cuts and your diction was excellent the whole time. I saw a 25min video and didn't expect to watch the whole thing, but I did. You have a wonderful way with words and I felt compelled to watch until the end. I hope you find some peace. It isn't going to be easy, and the world isn't safe for trans women - and of course being real with you, your transition isn't going to be easy should you take that path. Only you will know what's best for you and what risks you're willing to take... If only the world was a bit safer, a bit more welcoming, where we didn't have to perform gender "correctly" for people to give us any respect. I'm in a similar situation in that I have been posting pictures of my surgery results, as someone who isn't very trim or lean, and as someone with less than stellar results - but I felt like I had to for visibility, because the more I have been looking online the more upset I have become with my situation and how it's turned out. I really empathise with what you said in that respect... I want this information out there so that somewhere down the line, someone will see my pictures and feel relieved that it's normal, and that problems can be fixed (fingers crossed). If you ever find yourself in the UK there's a welcome city here where I live, and if you ever wanted to chat just find this comment and we will figure it out. Thank you for sharing this with us.

[@letstalkaboutstuff]

Thank you for this! You'll be interested to hear that I've come a long way since this video -lost a lot of weight, begun laser hair removal, started dressing differently. I started a podcast to detail this whole process, because it really is something I wish more people would write about and discuss, at least enough to ensure that budding trans people know that it isn't a straight line from closeted to out. There's a lot of doubt, a lot of introspection, and it takes time. I'm glad you got something from this video, and I really appreciate your kindness. I hope that you, too, find some peace and resolve in your process.

[@DevinJuularValentine]

That's brilliant :) I will check out your podcast

[@lettucetomatoebacon]

Geeze louise, when I watch this I'm reminded of my teenage years and all the time before I came out to myself and then to everyone else. I have had hard times before and since, but I have yet to suffer as I did then, and I never felt such relief as when I came to terms with who I am. I hope you felt better after having shared your feelings!

[@jonsnor4313]

You are not ugly. Just a mormal body with maybya bit too much wait but i have no right to talk. Its perfectly normal. And you are not a monster or anything bad for thinking that either. Making the video was pretty brave too, really. And it might hit a bit close too home, but its ultimately a positive Video. And a good one at that. Its a bit late bat good luck for your transition. Heads up.

[@micktierney2779]

Oh my god , i so know where you are coming from. Every thing you are saying i can relate to .

[@GelatinSkeleton]

i hear you. i’m sorry. i wish i was as brave as you - i can’t even bear to show my face on my public social media anymore. what you did here is vulnerable and powerful. thank you.

[@relentlessvoices]

Just wow. Your words hit home. Feel I am in the same boat. Thank you for letting us see this.

[@KazumaShellBullet69]

Feels like looking in the mirror, excellent video, I needed this, thank you.

[@MeeraRustshieldSystem]

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE EXISTANCE OF THIS VIDEO Personally, I was never particularly mistreated or bullied for being fat, but I've always /felt it/ just in the conventional environment people are generally in. I know what it feels like to feel like you're such a disgrace that you don't deserve good-looking clothes, while feeling that such good-looking clothes don't deserve to be wasted on such a body like yours. I know what it feels like wanting to scream "can't you see that I already know that, you idiot!?" at everyone who calls out fat people and how they just need to "excercise more and eat better", while also wanting to add "your advice is such a basic one that not only is it unhelpful, it's outright backwards, how the fuck does that help me improve?". I know what it feels like to think that people who say "you look perfect just as you are" are not only oversimplifying the subject, but outright ignoring it and your feelings and replacing the whole thing with an ideal they themselves can't even live up to. And that's at best; at worst, it feels like they're outright lying and laughing at you when you're not watching. So thanks a lot for putting this into words, and thanks a lot for your courage, taking a stand against judgmental views on how people should aspire their bodies to be, while still putting into words all of the complex feelings this involves.

[@ImVeryOriginal]

I recently discovered I'm trans as well and this video strikes me as heartbreakinhgly, painfully real. You were very brave to put it out there and I'm happy to hear you started transitioning and feel better about yourself thanks to it. I'm not sure I will be brave enough to follow that path but I wish you luck on yours.

[@jonathanewen7585]

You're a goddamn hero!

[@Coopsickle]

Oh, me too. I'm transmasc, fat and curvey, but not hairy at all, which, for me is a shame. I have the same feelings about my weight especially, and my body has not changed on T at all. My partner got laser and electro and it worked for her, but dear God is it expensive. Puberty is a curse. I hope things are well for you.

[@CarbonUnitX]

Damn... I'm dreading that there will be no fat redistribution when I go on T. I'm sorry you drew the short straw in that respect. But at least working out should take a little bit less effort if I'm forced to just keep working with this horror of curves I have :/ I don't even call that thing "puberty" anymore. I'm still awaiting one. Dunno wtf that thing was that happened to my body in my teens... it's a cruel thing indeed. Trying to stay positive and think that any little thing I can change is a win even if some of the dysphoria remains.

[@Coopsickle]

@@CarbonUnitX there's still time for me. I haven't been on for long. If you want my recommendation, start working out now. It'll help.

[@CarbonUnitX]

Hope it happens for you eventually then :) Yeah, been meaning to start losing weight and working out for ages now but... procrastination yay! One would think this level of dysphoria would be incentive enough but... * shrug * the human psyche... It's about time I did so I don't have to do all the work after starting on T.

[@friedrice6369]

to get fat to redistribute you have to lose and gain new fat, it doesn't just move with only t

[@WangleLine]

This takes a hell of a lot of courage and I know it. Thank you so much for this video - It's inspiring and let's us closer to a human being's mind and heart than ever before on KZbin.

[@themoribundapathetic4530]

i relate to this a lot and i actually have the same plan. i keep getting people telling me i should feel good being severely overweight. and people suggesting i be a stereotypical enby OR a stereotypical ftm person and nothing like someone in the middle but identifies as only enby.

[@Djoodibooti]

It's never to late to step a transition up sis.

[@BuddhaMonkey7]

Thank you for this. This really helped me, so there's your one person, minimum.

[@abbiceleste7037]

That was powerful and raw and valuable. Thank you. I have only been watching your channel for a few months, but I am only just getting around to this video because of "The Labor of Art". I have not yet seen the follow-up to this. When you first took your shirt off, I saw myself. I am not trans, but I feel the same way about my weight. I have so much more respect for you (and I already had a lot) for the strength it took to show yourself that fully on camera. I couldn't take my eyes away. Thank you

[@abbiceleste7037]

Sike yes I am trans, whoops

[@seir323]

Thank you thank you for having the courage to post this video. I did have to check your channel to make sure you were doing better, since you seem like you were in a really low point here, and I'm glad to see you happier, haha. Also, my birth name is Sarah, so YES. I instantly saw your posters and thought 'this person has good taste' too btw haha. Being born female, but with some strong hairy genes - literally the hairiest woman in my immediate family - I had a lot of embarrassment around my body hair. The topic came up recently, and I realized that I haven't shaved in probably 5+ years, but only after stubborn defiance, and being tired of... maintaining. So I feel this so much. Part of why I'm worried about testosterone for my non-binary self is because of facial hair - I'm okay with my body hair now, but new hair worries me... eh. Mainly wanted to say, hairy women aren't the beauty norm, but there are women, cis and trans, who say 'fuck the norm,' haha. But if you WANT that silky smooth skin, you gotta work for it, so I know this paaainnnnnn. And just... you make so many good points in this, from the cost/availability of healthy food, to the costs of working out, struggles with depression... how memories get tainted. It's powerful to see someone literally bare their soul and body as you have here, and I really, truly appreciate it, as a pudgy trans depressed person, to see this, relate, and know I'm not alone, and that things can get better. Thanks.

[@seir323]

"And you realize, that you're not broken. You just had incorrect expectations for yourself."

[@EsotericParadigm]

My brother, I'm so proud of your courage. I just told my mother my deepest secrets concerning my gender dysphoria, it was absolutely the greatest release of the tension and uncomfortabity in the entirety of my life. I'm finally free.

[@ferment4life]

I see you... thank you

[@ThatResolves]

100% relateable, thank you.

[@halloundtschuess]

Good luck with your transition sis 😘

[@lunarotimas]

It's been a year and I hope your headspace has improved some. I don't know what changes you may have had by now, but you implied that I (the audience) was disgusted when you took of your shirt, but personally I think it was *shrug* fine. Kinda average. but I suffer from extreme body dysmorphia and know I can't change any opinions of yourself. Just wanted to put in I wasn't disgusted... and that I hope you've mentally improved some. This is amazing and you explain so many things that I could never put words to in it. Thank you.

[@elliquinn8198]

Thank you. Just, thank you.

[@Alex-te1sn]

This video felt like someone narrating my life. Thank you.

[@pinkelephant4591]

I love this channel. I admire you for making this video.

[@StevenMoore]

Thank you for posting this! I have been catching up with your podcast for a while but have just now found your KZbin channel. You are amazing ❣️❤️❣️

[@Torthrodhel]

The painful aspect to watching this wasn't what you look like whatsoever, it was the recognition in how awful your look makes you feel. Believe me I say this in full knowledge and appreciation of what it means to hate your own body in the same way and for the same reasons, and I know I'm late to these comments too, but it is nevertheless worth remembering: everybody has the instinct to hate their body. It's in-built. That "be honest" bit can absolutely, very easily, be that depression talking and you'd be surprized at the looks of other people who you might never imagine thinking the same thing about how others view them but they will. Put that on top of what you're going through and it stacks up dangerously, but be mindful of it and that chunk of it at least can be managed a bit. It doesn't solve it, and it doesn't help much, but it does help some. I don't know if today's video diary obsession culture helps or hinders to deal with it, but it may help just because you chose that way. That's in an inward way, back to the self. Outward to the culture, you're absolutely right - it makes a positive difference. To relay a personal set of decisions that I've made along similar lines of thinking, in case those could help in that similar way of showing, I have been offered bodily alterations to make me look more conventionally acceptable and turned them down, and my chief decision swing was thinking about my desire to eventually become a very known public person, and when I do achieve that, what message am I going to want to send, and what section of the population am I most going to want to inspire? Please let me clear to anyone reading this who has had alterations for that purpose that I absolutely do know why someone would do that and there ought to be no shame nor moralistic value attached to that whatsoever - I recognize that the culture does shame that, typically. Very much. I'm not attempting to add to that. I hope making this clear means that I don't. These paths to take should be each our own, and these reasons are behind the ones I took. I'd rather be a bit less acceptable in terms of looks. In the other direction, I still struggle myself attempting to become more muscular. There is athletic capability mixed up in that, which skews my purpose in that aim from what it might be for someone else. Muscularity also comes with its own social shaming, when connected with feminine looking people. I'm going to be taking the liberty of enjoying being against that. Something I'm aware not everyone gets to do. I'm fat too. I've been mistaken for pregnant. Goodness me, when that happens, is that ever a perfect storm of enormous good and bad emotions simultaneously. Seems to resolve negatively, likely along those depression lines you describe, and probably also because a false thing tends to feel off in general. Big love to everyone out there struggling. Keep fighting, just keep fighting. Never stop fighting.

[@kilxlcal]

Thank you for your courage. Thank you so much.

[@missmonke8706]

Oooohhhhh-this hits close to home. Daaaannnngggg iiittttt... Guess I needed something like this.

[@MrSh0gun]

yo that was some real ass video! I have tons of respect for you for talking about your issues in such an honest way. Dealing with some of these issues myself it felt really good to not feel alone with these problems. It's interesting that we have to lurk around in these corners of the internet to feel some real kinship because we don't encounter it in our daily lives. There seem to be easy solutions everywhere but like you said it's all much more complex. Would be interesting to hear if anything has changed since this video

[@letstalkaboutstuff]

thank you! things have actually changed a lot since this video. i've lost about 50 pounds since then, i've come out as trans, and i started hormone replacement therapy a few weeks ago. i started a podcast chronicling my change over the last nine months, which you can find here: transquestioning.podbean.com the key to figuring out some of this stuff (which i'm still very much in the middle of) is coming to terms with the reality of your self, especially the flaws that drive you mad. after this video i started to finally accepting that there are some things about my body i cannot change, but some things that i could- so i worked on the things i could change, and basically instituted exposure therapy to force myself to at least not hate the other things. of course, starting transition is a HUGE part of that, and if you are someone who is not suffering necessarily from the gender dysphoria aspect, my solution might not be applicable. i'm glad you found this useful, and i wish you the best of luck and health on your own journey.

[@ArtsyMate]

This video was so good and so painful to watch. I'm fat, trans and have been depressed for basically my whole life, and pretty much everything you said spoke to my own experiences about trying to make peace with myself and my body. It's so hard to do that when everything around you deliberately works towards destabilising our relationships with our bodies, as fat people AND as trans people. And then being both... even in our own communities I feel like we are shunned. We don't even feel like be that trans inspiration that feels like the light at the end of the tunnel because god damn body fat placement gives the game away. And you're right. Ultimately, the way to fight this is visibility. That's why seeing this video helped me not feel so alone. The dysphoria and body dysmorphia is bad enough in itself, but no one really talks about how the shame of those things makes you feel so, so lonely. Even though I know other afab trans people experience dysphoria, when I look at people on reddit or tumblr it seems like they're so much closer to a body that would allow me to feel like a human being than the one I'm living in right now. Where are the trans people like us? Where are the people who can't just change their clothes and hair and then be gendered correctly? But you are us. You are me. And I never get to see that. So thank you.

Thank you for this video. I needed to see it. I would like to share why, but I feel I lack the proper words. Let's say I'm genderfluid and overweight in a country where even LGBT scene lacks the T component, and being fat (especially if you're presenting as a woman) is the biggest social clue to be treated as not only ugly, but lazy, unattractive and generally "it's your fault you're fat". I vehemently hate that almost all that can be found about weight loss on internet is a happy go lucky narrative of success, and I receive a message that I'm not allowed to process that I hate my body, that I feel dehumanised because I can't buy fitting and pretty clothes, and as a result I dress only as my more masculine self, in jeans and nerd T-shirts, forgoing anything feminine unless I stumble upon something that fits me. Shopping makes me cry. Or triggers depressive state. You are right - picking up exercising is not enough. Being treated as a human being while you do (or don't) do something about that would be the minimal requirement. I hope you'll be able to alleviate your dysphoria in time and, unless you're against it, I will pray to my Gods for you also. Your courage inspires me.

[@matthewchabin384]

Wow, I really admire you for making this. I know you’re not asking for advice, but I did have an idea you you maybe haven’t heard yet. I lost weight and overcame some internal demons when I went to India for 5 months and did volunteer English teaching. If you can afford the plane tickets and your schedule allows.... First, practically all westerners lose weight there without even trying. You can live very cheaply, and many things like laser hair removal can be done much cheaper than back home. Moreover, the culture has an entirely different outlook towards all things corporal, and cultural imprinting is less powerful when you get some distance on it. I more or less cured my depression/anxiety over there, and had an amazing time. Please pardon me if this is just more unhelpful advice.

[@alexmars8142]

I am commenting again to let you know that I could follow your syllogism very closely and I want to thank you for the realness of the video. I've come to realize desperation may be a reasonable point of being at times. I don't know if this could be of meaning, but for the case you would like to make the effort to connect to its profoundness when things get really fucked up, I want to share a very well-known Camus quote with you, that I'm sure you are already familiar with. I've personally found myself hungrily returning to its dogma and seeing inside it a painful drive to keep at it a couple of times. "One must imagine Sisyphus happy."

[@letstalkaboutstuff]

i'd never actually heard that quote before, but i can see how it sticks with you. seems fitting for this particular sort of struggle. i'm going to be doing a followup video to this in a couple months to show how things have changed in the last year, i think you'll appreciate how that will reflect on this.

[@frwful]

Thank you for posting this

[@ForALimitedTimeOnly]

Hi Sarah, I came across your channel after watching some of ContraPoints' stuff and wanting to understand more about what it's like to be transgender. I understand what it's like to be depressed. At one point in my life, gained 40lbs during the course of a relationship that hollowed me out emotionally, then lost it after it ended. Everybody repeats the same useless advice about eating less and exercising more. This sort of useless advice usually comes from people who aren't fat and have never been fat. Nobody talks about the emotional journey of losing weight, or learning to pay attention to all of the things that are really going on inside you, overcoming emotional eating and restructuring your relationship with food, the trial and error of trying different things that don't work and the frustration when the scale doesn't budge or stays at the same number for months as you plateau after having some success. Nobody talks about how losing weight involves somehow miraculously getting your body to do the opposite of what it has evolved over hundreds of millions of years to do. I can see this video was recorded a while ago. I hope you've learned to be kinder to yourself on this journey that you've been on. I know you didn't want people spouting useless feel-good platitudes but I think as a student nurse I think I have a different way of looking at people's bodies because I see bodies that are old, frail, overweight, and sickly all the time. I've started to gain an understanding of the fascinating, complex and sophisticated systems that lay under the skin that keep human bodies alive. You're right, nobody should hate their bodies or the amazing things that they do for us. You don't have to love your body but I want you to know that I saw this and that I love you. Thank you for making this.

[@ghostfrequencies]

I feel this. thank you for your vulnerability.

[@relivevalhalla]

Thank you for this.

[@domsusefulstuff]

I've thought about making something like this video so many times; I think I've written some of your script verbatim in my head. When you took off your shirt I was transfixed because I related so strongly to what you were doing. I can't repay you for this feeling of understanding you've given me or help you much in any way but I wanted to say thank you for making it. I'm going to be thinking about it for a long, long time.

[@letstalkaboutstuff]

if you got a lot out of this then you should definitely watch my transitioning video. heed the content warnings but, it's very similar in many ways

[@domsusefulstuff]

@@letstalkaboutstuff oh I clicked the link in the description! It was amazing and I’ll be watching more than once. Thank you!

[@jessielynch5739]

Thank you so much for this.

[@ChristyAbbey]

I know this comment is a year later. But maybe had I seen it back then, I would have looked in the mirror sooner (18 years without doing so). As it is, a similar essay by eli Bosnick did it. The coming out helped, but I still wish my body was beutiful. It's just nice to know that I'm not alone. Thank you, and I hope you see this.

[@emmalines3974]

Thank you for making this video, I have a friend that I think could benefit from seeing your video, and it has helped me as well despite being a cis-gendered female. Thank you for being so courageous.

[@lyudmilapavlichenko7551]

Much love.

[@Beretta249]

I look like that but with more skin tags, liver spots and goddamn hair everywhere. And yeah, having a pelt helps. Also this is a point of respect for sex workers as I suspect what you describe as the labor of maintenance they've mastered like a jockey making sure his horse is fed and run every day because nothing less produces acceptable results. Props to that kind of discipline, I sure couldn't do it. Brave video, mate. Good work.

[@xw591]

Trans masc here-- despite coming from the opposite end, I relate to a lot of what you say. Sometimes it really sucks to be a human, especially this human. But it's very remoralizing to see you stand up and talk about this, and find yourself. You seem like such a rad individual.

[@angelalawter2663]

Hi Sara, thanks for posting this video. It was very brave of you. I guess you're right about there being a stigma against wigs, I always tell people when they ask me about my 'hair' that it's a wig and they always act a little shocked that I would just admit to it. I mean, it looks good. And nothing helps you pass better than a good wig, trust me. I got started on cheapo synthetic wigs that don't feel anything like real hair, but look pretty just the same. (last night a girl asked me if I had dyed my 'hair' again and I told her "umm, actually I have never dyed my hair in my life, this is a wig" and she couldn't believe me. (This wig cost 40 dollars.)) Anyways, I'm not saying that you need to wear wigs, they definitely have their downsides, but I didn't really start 'passing' at all until I started wearing wigs (and padded bras lol). Whatever you decide to do, I'm sure you'll do fine. ;-) Good luck with your transition girl!

[@pilferedpotatoes]

So true what you said about representation being important. If people never see other people who look like them, then they will begin to believe, even if only subconsciously, that no one else is like them and that there is something wrong with them. It's hard to believe that all bodies are good bodies if only one type is being represented.