Lies about friendship to unlearn in your twenties

[@aisling8308]

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. You blew my mind with the tip about using scissors to cut the pizza but once you put the M&Ms on top I started questioning which side of the scale you fall on.

[@olivialuvzpurplecows]

Hahah

[@dreambug8831]

I genuinely wondered if she was drunk or high 🤣 why is no one talking about the m&ms!

[@josie2956]

The worst part is they're peanut M&Ms... I can't imagine the weird textures

[@alicebethell8069]

Our uni flat used to use scissors to cut pizza all the time

[@sentienttapioca5409]

I haven't watched up to that bit yet, so thanks for the warning. Oh, nvm, there she goes...

[@SleepySheepyWhoIsWeepy]

I loved all of these. Reminds me of a few important lessons I learnt with friends whilst at uni. 1. Not all your friends have to like each other, or even know each other. It’s good to be multifaceted and have more than one safe space. 2. Life is not a 90’s Rom Com and you will not have a singular best friend who does everything with you, and it’s actually better when you don’t. And 3. Sometimes friendships just bring out the worst in both of you, and that doesn’t make either of you bad people, it just makes you not right for each other.

[@rc_3887]

I had to ss this comment because it helped me so much!!!

[@tidenly]

The sweets on the pizza was so off the wall outrageous I couldn't think about anything else for the rest of the video

[@albaruizdunbar4565]

i was paralyzed by fear

[@catchhen]

Looked yum! 🤩

[@caitiemcmillan7493]

Traumatized

[@xeniakora]

I kind of loved it 😂

[@UNBROKEN998]

I feel this!

[@rikketakera]

The sweets on the pizza was UNHINGED and I was not ready

[@dyoopiter]

the image of craig sprawled on the floor while holding the camera is sending me!

[@ojiverdeconfleco]

I grieved the end of my friendship to my highschool friend WAY MORE than my highschool boyfriend. It's weird that we don't talk more about this. In my country there's also a really strong idea that friends are "the family you choose" a therefore they should last a lifetime and like, it may be so sometimes but most times IT IS OKAY TO HAVE SEASONAL FRIENDSHIPS and also different levels of friendship with people.

[@katierose6424]

Oooh I have the same experience! High school boyfriend and I had an amicable breakup, grew apart and it was sad to leave but needed to happen and I'm okay about it now. My high school best friend and I (they were basically family for 6 years) haven't spoken in the five years since finishing HS and I think about how we let it fade away with no effort on either side to keep it going. Makes me sad we never talked about it and I always feel like reaching out to see of they'd be interested in grabbing coffee (in an ideal no covid world ahaha) but I don't know what's appropriate because there's no "universal" was to grieve and move on from a friendship. I loved them for a long time but would we fit together now? Who knows

[@annj6616]

Yes I’ve had such a hard time letting go of those long term childhood high school friendships

[@okayheykae]

I'm such a lonely little bean that the concept of having a sleepover at a friends house made me a bit emotional - thank you for filling a tiny piece of the friendship void in me!

[@lisechristensen4714]

I just always expect my friends to stay and have a sleep over when we're hanging out! But somehow it seems 'grown-up' to leave and just go home...

[@annagust6268]

@@lisechristensen4714 I think I've had more sleepovers with my friends as an adult then I did growing up!

[@VoskTheToad]

big same.

[@sharon5259]

lonely beans unite!

[@chiefpurrfect8389]

I would also add the lie: if you are a "true" friend, you'll stick with them through ANYTHING. Being there for your friends is great but after a certain point you just have to prioritize how a situation is compromising your own safety, mental health and happiness, and remove yourself from it; and if that means putting some distance between yourself and that friend or going as far as to end the friendship, so be it. At the end of the day you too are a person who deals with problems that are just as real and will at times require your full energy and attention and there's nothing selfish about that. You are their friend- not their parent- you aren't personally responsible for them (or the choices they make for that matter). You can't help a person who doesn't want to be helped and that it's not in any way a personal failure on your part.

[@kahkah1986]

Although things start to blur as people start losing their parents, either in death or just from distance. But yes, I think that is fair, 'no matter what' is such a throwaway phrase, in practice it just isn't always possible.

[@shakyshakes141]

wish I read this earlier,, thank you for making me realise this

[@AncaBoBanca]

Very true and VERY important

[@Sarah-gj3op]

Wish I knew this earlier

[@chiefpurrfect8389]

​@@mareike6832 In what way is the situation I described (compromising your own safety, mental health and happiness) simply an "inconvenience"? I'm clearly not referring to your friend requiring some more of your time and energy because they're going through a breakup or whatever, I'm talking about toxic friendships that step all over your boundaries, span years and years and when you bring the problem to their attention the friend has evidently no intention of changing, accepting help or even acknowledging that it's a problem for that matter. You don't owe it to anyone to crash and burn alongside them. So honestly, kind of presumptuous and rude of you to chime in about a person and situation you know nothing about and tell me to "just accept that I'm not a true friend" lmao. Okay Jan, it's been real riveting.

[@MaddieDragsbaek]

i absolutely loved this video!! so thought provoking and so many good conversation starters in here, i feel like i could listen to you talk about friendships for hours hahaha. i so deeply wish that friendship endings were seen as less, oh i hate this person now- they're awful and that's why we're no longer friends (although sometimes that's the case BUT more often than not, i feel like it's not that intense), and more like... the friendship ran its course and that can feel sad but it's okay! sometimes we're only meant to be in people's lives for a few seasons, you outgrow people, your paths diverge, and it's kind of beautiful to flow in and out of people as you grow. it's also so much healthier to let friendships go when they're just not working anymore, the same way you would with a relationship. it was fun while it lasted, i am so grateful for the time we spent together, i wish you well and onto new friendships! how exciting!

[@riddhimagupta872]

Oh god I love you so much

[@riddhimagupta872]

Oh god I love you so much

[@messywalk]

THIS.👌🏾 I was in a friendship that lasted way past it’s season, because the other person was too scared to ‘lose’ me completely and that wouldn’t have been the case, but her absolute fear of it made me feel awful for desiring the friendship to end, so it persisted. I wouldn’t have minded continuing the friendship, but in a less attached manner and that would have been so much healthier for both of us, but it didn’t go that way and because of that, we ended up ending the friendship with a lot of finality. It sucks, because I loved her as a friend, but we didn’t listen to the flow of the friendship and suffered because of it. Sometimes you need to grow apart to grow more beautifully back together, as better friends for each other.

[@BlogManiac64]

(can you guys pls consider doing a podcast episode together)

[@no1inparticular487]

lmao this comment made me cry . i always relate most to songs about relationships slowly drifting apart rather than firy break ups becuase i guess its just so much more commen. its beutiful and heartbreaking

[@vallentinac9513]

Absolutely loved this format and the advice too. I just wanted to say that oversharing can also be a sign of neurodivergence, us autistic people tend to do that a lot and it's definitely not in a manipulatory intent. :)

[@leenanorms]

That's a good point, I hadn't thought of that! 🧡

[@vallentinac9513]

@@leenanorms

[@nopethanks8316]

I think the issue isn't oversharing, especially not if it goes both ways in a relationship. The issue is more confusing knowledge for intimacy, like saying oh no i told you all this shit so now you're responsible or now you're my emotional support even though you don't have that kind of intimacy because you literally don't know or even like each other, it's unbalanced and unhealthy imo

[@katielarisa]

Im autistic I definitely have a habit of oversharing! I don't see many discrepancies between closeness in friends unless I'm told exactly, and I don't place different values on types of personal information so it all just ends up overflowing with excitement 😅

[@bethbcrafts]

I fully admit that one reason my best friend since the age of 13 and I are STILL best friends is because we realized in our twenties we could never live together.

[@sweetpeabee4983]

"Friendship is a skill: not everyone gets it right the first time" -- I love this! I needed the reminder and reassurance, thank you. I've been reading a lot of Ursula K Le Guin lately, and she's got a great quote from _The Dispossessed_ that's been haunting my brain & seems relevant here too: "The thing about working with time, instead of against it...is that it is not wasted. Even pain counts."

[@Meimoons]

I definitely support this, I never speak to my first group for friends back in highschool but by the third round of friends in this stage of my life, I've definitely learned some things.

[@dimitrav8601]

Sorry could you please elaborate on this quote?

[@katerrinah5442]

I used to have a friend and she'd always trash people behind their back. In the end I realised she was toxic af for a multitude of reasons, but one big one was that she bought out a mean, bitchy side of me that I didn't like. Being aware of that made me realise she wasn't good for me in my journey of emotional growth

[@ragdollrose2687]

Also the friend that cling to you and end up telling you about all their previous "favorite friends" that stopped talking to them for "no reason" 👀

[@gigi3843]

i'm afraid i've also been this person a few times :( im pretty socially anxious and i dont like to talk about myself (in fear ppl will think im weird) or ask other people too many questions (because it might come off as prying) so when i don't know someone very well the most comfortable way for me to connect with them is to talk about what we think of people we commonly know... idk im trying to work on it and not have it be the first topic i reach for in a panic but yea :/

[@maren8597]

“The devil doesn’t need more advocates” THIS. It’s always a red flag for me when friend’s seem to have a need to turn regular conversations into debates all the time.

[@xXNekou]

"Good friend is better than an old friend" I needed that, I recently lost one of my longest oldest friends because of huge opinion differences we had 😥

[@josepha133]

I'm going through the same thing.

[@babsehnilicka9903]

same here. these are difficult times we live in and sometime people change. But although it hurts now, I think it is also an opportunity to show us where our true values lie. Hang in there!

[@dob1997]

Leena part 2 to friendship pleaseeee esp 1. How to know who is worth investing time into and who isnt 2. How to notice and fix but not fixate on your own negative friendship traits 3. Tips on maintaining long distance friendships 4. Tips on balancing friendships and jobs - have just started an office job and i dont know how to fit in actual human conection around capitalism

[@Miss_Lexisaurus]

And the Oscar goes to Leena! I literally have a relationships manager in Notion to remind me to check in with people and I'm in the process of putting their love languages in it!

[@gazingatsaturn]

aaa i also have a relationships manager in notion! really cool to see other people use it to navigate their lives. never thought about the love languages tho :o

[@sarajoaquim8764]

How do you set it out? Is it a specific template?

[@gazingatsaturn]

@@sarajoaquim8764 i dont quite remember the formulae for it and copy-pasting might get it flagged as spam, but i believe there's an official notion template called personal CRM that does something similar! i recommend playing around with it

[@justkatierose]

i love that!!!

[@TheSlappee]

I misread the closed captions as "the devil needs more avocados" I was thoroughly perplexed, but completely ready for whatever you were about to come out with.

[@johnnymissesme7464]

No, leena, no! This was waaay too short! I need more of you talking about personal relationships. What about family Next?

[@friendlyfawn420]

As a 22 year old who lost their only 2 best friends this year in the space of 6 months for separate reasons, this video really helped me to realise that many of my behaviours were making me appear selfish and that I didn't care. I am still very much grieving, especially because I've gone from being clueless about why all of a sudden two of the most important people to me no longer wanted me in their life to slowly understanding why and how my actions have been perceived in a way I never intended. This series really helps so much and so for this I just want to thank you. X

[@ArielBissett]

I’m confused about why this isn’t just a montage video of our photos??????????? Hm.

[@leenanorms]

haha cus our friendship isn't a LIE, ariel ;)

[@skoldpa]

I never agreed to live with friends because I just KNOW it's going to go badly. I have very strict habits, I need the house to be clean and calm, I can spend days without talking, and my friends are almost always the opposite. I love spending time with them or going on vacation with them for a few days, but we wouldn't be able to deal with living together. I'd rather not ruin my friendships for a Friends-like flat situation

[@audreygilmore7408]

Make space for lossing friends. I recently had a friend move across the country. He doesn't keep up with social media and we never talked online a ton. When he left I knew I'd probably never see him again. We're both married and unless someone dies (gods forbid) there's not anymore life events that one would fly out for. We left on good terms with lots of hugs. But we knew. I've cried a lot over it, more then I have for some past relationships. I cried when I found out he was leaving, again after the last long deep chat we had on a late night walk, and of course again long and hard after we said our last goodbye. If feels like he's died, and even tho I know he's out there, hopefuly safe, he's left my life likely forever. I have to keep reminding myself, I have every right to grieve.

[@anothergreatetcetera]

Can confirm: The Bo Burnham references are NOT getting insufferable yet. More (please)!

[@leenanorms]

Good because there's another one coming on Monday ;)

[@IllustrateLucy]

It's a weird one isn't it - I think most people want friends / people who care about them. So It's amazing how hard it is to make friends and keep them.

[@erins3147]

I’m 35 and this was very insightful. I love the idea that losing a friendship is not a waste or failure.

[@ljames4347]

Along those lines it is behaviour not people sometimes , one thing my dad used to tell me as a kid is that you can do a bad thing but it doesn’t make you a bad person . You can always change and improve but sometimes your behaviour clashes with someone else’s as you stop each other being able to change

[@_chaoskai]

In regards to grieving a friendship: I'm so glad you talking about this! A friend and I grew apart and although we didn't have a falling out, I felt like I never got closure to our friendship ending, and I didn't realise at the time that I was really hurt that our friendship ened. I used to have reoccuring dreams that I would run into them and we would talk about what happened, and I would wake up so sad that the dream wasn't real Now I can look back and see that we were not good for each other and now we can grow in our own way

[@toniat.1738]

Omg I'm having dreams about ex friends too and I feel the same way when I wake up. It's been years but I still feel sad sometimes because I didn't get closure, they didn't tell me why they wanted to stop hanging out. I'm trying to spend time with new friends and cultivate beautiful friendships.

[@seallofapproval]

Needed to hear the one about maintaining your boundaries, and oversharing as a shortcut to emotional intimacy. Thank you Leena

[@IsabellaBoyne]

Oh my god, it's like you can read my mind - I have just been thinking about how I have found it so much harder to make friends at uni than expected and how friendship is so weird and difficult

[@chloedidathing6229]

I had a friend who lived with two people before me and both of those friendships ended. I thought it was the house mates...and then I lived with that person myself. We are no longer friends. Be careful if you do choose to live with a "best friend." It's not always magical like you think.

[@abidavies154]

I have asperger's and I find friendship and how to do it healthily or at all really hard. Hopefully more good friendships are still to come, and shout out to my best friends who accept me for how I am :)

[@pastellewitch]

Yes!! Thank you! The last one especially resonated with me as someone who had to cut out people in her life "a good friend is better than an old friend". We over value longevity of relationships over the quality. Was married to my abusive ex for 10 years, not exactly something I think of a success or romantic. Same goes with friendship, it can be easy to stay friends with less then ideal people if we are in a specific mindset.But somehow we really romanticize that? My own two cents as a 30 something: Acquaintance isn't a dirty word! So many people are quick to call others friends because they are uncomfortable with the idea that you can really like someone while also know your relationship isn't gonna progress past a certain point. The worst is when someone insist that you are "friends" because they shared more then they meant to and feel awkward an are trying to force it while also not wanting it to be more. They promise and propose things you would do for a friend but back out of them and hope you'll forget because they recognize you're not that close to them. It's okay to just be really good acquaintances, it doesn't mean you don't care about the person or wouldn't do something nice for them but you both know you won't hang out for coffees (or m&M pizza)! And yes acquaintance can absolutely become friendship.. But it's also okay if they don't is the point.

[@leenanorms]

Yes! This so much! We need another word for acquaintance maybe because in my head it's like 'oh, they're not a friend they're an acquaintance' is a way to say... I know them but I don't like them.

[@pastellewitch]

@@leenanorms English is my second language and when I first learnt it I did not grasp that people didn't like the word "acquaintance" for exactly the reason you mention. To me it was a neutral statement of "I'm familiar with this person, but I don't know them. I see them around and we exchange pleasantries sometimes". It was confusing to realize people were hurt or though I implied negativity toward someone else. You're right, a new word might just help re-frame that. I've also learned to appreciate the value of acquaintance more in my late 20s and current 30s. My building manager isn't a friend, we never talk more than 5mins at a time. But I'm always polite, kind and happy to chit chat. I get her holiday cards a few times a year but know virtually nothing of her personal life and vice versa. Still, she was very willing to be a witness and a reference for paperwork I needed. People remember you and are more willing to help out when they are familiar with you even if they don't know you deeply when you are polite and kind. I don't mean this in a calculated way as I would likely return the favor, I think it's part of community building maybe? Thank you for your thoughtful videos, they always give me something to think about!

[@KaylaKasel]

@@pastellewitch Wait, people think of "acquaintance" as negative? I too thought it was neutral. And English is my first language.

[@gingerbrh2052]

@@pastellewitch Also non native speaker here: Same, to me "acquaintance" is for someone that you've met and that appears more or less frequently in your life, but that you don't know well enough to define as a friend (one of the reasons could indeed be that you don't really like them that much, but it could also be that life hasn't given you a lot of opportunities to get closer to that person)

[@rosemarydodds7665]

I found the format of the video charmingly quirky, and connecting. I don't think I'd be up for every video being like it, but it was fun. Thank you for having us for a sleepover, (and sorry I snuck the leftover marshmallows into my bag as I left, you probably wondered what happened to them)

[@poodlekissesreborn3948]

I cannot wait for this, undergoing a likely friendship breakup and I need this to help me in the grieving process

[@thomasdiaz1317]

Sending you love as I went through a friend breakup earlier this year. It was sudden and really tough

[@morwennaforatenner604]

Man, sending love to you both. My friendship with my old best friend fizzled out about a year ago now, and I still miss them a lot from time to time. The end of the friendship was most definitely for the best, but it still sucks a tiny bit - it's always tough!

[@poodlekissesreborn3948]

@@thomasdiaz1317 sending you love as well, in case you are still grieving

[@poodlekissesreborn3948]

@@morwennaforatenner604 sending love to you too, friend. I know it’s normal to keep thinking of them but it’s still good to know I’m not alone in that

[@shanw.2948]

I definitely agree that a friendship ending is not a particular failure because more likely than not it helped one or both of you survive a moment of your life better.

[@pisto30]

I'm trying to learn that, myself. I've had a lot of friendships just end for no reason, mostly just lost contact.

[@childrenofink]

my best friend and I lived together for three years but ultimately fought so much that when she moved out we didn’t talk for four months! but now we’re friends again! I think there’s just a different sort of compatibility with roommates mostly defined by how proactive they are in taking care of communal spaces. also I feel like you’ve touched on this but I’d love to know more about maintaining friendships at distance/with time differences/seeing each other less than once annually! thank you for this video!!

[@annabeinglazy5580]

"beware of people with too many enemies" - chances are, at one point you may end up being one of these enemies. If a new friend has a whole host of people who have (allegedly) wronged them, Hurt them, been cruel to them, and they all are described as former Friends of that person, that is sth that can easily swing your way too. I learned that the hard way.

[@fraxinus1877]

I’m in my early thirties and learned a lot of what you mention the hard way - but it’s really reassuring and validating to hear someone else talk about this stuff. And I’m actually going through point 2 right now and didn’t realize it. Thanks so much for this video!

[@emmacowley4701]

I just turned 24 and am about a year and a half out of university, and between that and covid I've been having a lot of mixed feelings about my friendships over the last 5-6 years. Friends from the beginning of uni when I was barely an adult are very different from those I made towards the end when I've grown and learned more, friends I thought were closest turned out to be not be the best, whereas friends I never considered close have really stepped up and turned out to be those who I could trust and rely on most. I think the biggest thing I've learned is that your early 20s are such a time of change and growing into adulthood and learning about yourself that the best I can do is accept the mistakes I've made, learn about what I value in a friendship and what different types of friendships I need, and accept that I can't hold on to every single person I've met as a friend indefinitely and that it's okay and normal for people to come and go from our lives

[@jodiesanders5692]

This made me cry, I literally have no friends at the moment because they were all toxic and now I'm lonely... thank you for being the 'friend' that I can watch when I'm feeling sad.

[@Victoria-dh9vb]

Chiming in on the housemates and the whole having a blow up and then acting like everything is fine the next day Fam, if someone you know is like that, they probably were abused. As someone who didn't have the correct behavior modeled for them on that front, it takes a long time to unlearn that. *Absolutely let people know that's not normal or okay*

[@Androgynary]

Incredible timing. I’ve literally been spending the past few days writing a letter to a friend I’ve been drifting away from. Not sure if I’ll send it or not but it has been an extremely therapeutic practice to process difficult & uncomfortable thoughts & feelings.

[@TheGirlInGeekGlasses]

Thank you for this video Leena. I'm currently going through a massive change in my life (a good one!) but I'm questioning whether some of the friendships I have are worth keeping or not. A few days ago I felt so down because I truly don't believe I have any proper friends, which really massively sucks and the loneliness is a lot to deal with sometimes. I've been questioning one friendship in particular for about 3 years because it's been strained for a very long time and can barely be considered a relationship. This video has urged me to actually make some executive decisions about the people in my life, so thank you!

[@jessica-pc1kf]

love that pride and prejudice is playing in the background at the beginning :-) love the advice, my flatmates do play these sorts of ‘games’ ESPECIALLY telling me all their trauma and shit they’ve gone through right away and then we’re instantly at best friend status. ALSO heavily implying that because they’ve shared so much so quickly with me, I should follow suite and do the same, and when I don’t they’re mad :// (does not make sense) also when I’ve questioned our friendship (because we have barely anything in common and I’ve compromised for them but they haven’t done the same for me) they’ll throw the biggest fit

[@traingirl.meghan]

Absolutely agree with your point about toxic people versus toxic situations/dynamics! It's like marshmallows and garlic. Just because they suck together does not mean they suck in general. Disclaimer - I have not actually tried that flavor combo, so maybe it's great? Another reason why it's so important not to believe or become invested in gossip about a person! One, you're only getting one side. Two, maybe those people just brought out the worst in one another, and they are very different outside of that toxic situation.

[@katielarisa]

I really appreciate videos like this. Being autistic (undiagnosed for a long time) and growing up with an extremely emotionally immature parent and sibling, I am having to unlearn so many unhealthy habits when it comes to friendship. On the flip side, it is always my first instinct to assume the best in people, and can't really tell when I'm being manipulated or when things aren't particularly fair, so some of these tips will be so helpful. Also just a reminder in general that if you do have an issue in a friendship, communicate it fairly and openly and don't expect everyone to be able to pick up on subtlety or social cues 🥰

[@ShauniVD]

My "best friend" of almost 20 years decided not to be vaccinated. She is pretty deep into conspiracy theories, and I just had to get distance. I was sooo angry when she told me. I'm not a confrontational person, but that conversation was intense! Now i don't think I wanna be associated with her anymore and that sucks. I can't understand her way of thinking, and it makes me so sad and angry. It feels like a breakup.

[@missfrizzle1717]

I think some ppl might view cutting ur best friend off over vaccines as extreme but I would feel the exact same way as u. that sucks

[@prettyliz3]

you're doing the right thing, 100% maybe not a permanent breakup, but definitely distance. Not getting vaccinated is something that can affect so many people, ultimately it just is a selfish decision on their part and I don't blame you for not wanting to hang around. I would try explaining to them as best as I can that it's a safe thing to do and a responsible one, and from then on if they want to keep being ignorant, its up to them and you at least tried !

[@SieRawr12]

I went through something similar to this last year. I realized that the age of our friendship wasn't more important than my own needs and beliefs. Having to acknowledge that our paths had long since diverged was painful but necessary. I hope whatever decision you make brings you clarity and peace of mind.

[@ampersignia]

The 'actively hanging out with my friend' style of this video was really nice, got me tearing up thinking about my high school friendships and how much we visited each other. I wish I had more IRL friends instead of solely online.

[@caitie226]

Rewatching this after getting blindsided by a huge friendship break up… found callouts for both of us here!

[@camillajefferson386]

the sleepover format of this is golden rn. I can't remember the last time I popped over to a friend's house and did all this kinda stuff, and I know the topic is important and valuable advice was given, but the whole time I was thinking "ee this is so nice!" thanks for that.

[@ShivangiBhasin]

you're the real crowd pleaser leena! what a star! Also, I have a lesson to add, one I learned the hard way: people who are good to you are not always your friends. I had a hard time distinguishing decent people from "friends", especially since decent people often go out of their way to make your life less miserable and isn't that the definition of a friend? No, and I realised this during some truly hard times when it seemed like the whole world had turned against me and I needed someone to have my back. Although these decent people didn't turn on me, they were quick to point out their disagreements and took several steps back while my true friends, who also often disagreed with me, chose, instead, to protected me.

[@kahkah1986]

Honestly, the biggest lies about friendship are the ones you find in those 'Get Rid of Toxic Friends' articles, because it encourages you to see other people as the problem, as the other, and you as perfect, neither of which is entirely true. I definitely saw the effects of that kind of thinking in my friendship group, and it wasn't pretty - a friend dumping you can be harsher than a romantic breakup, certainly. Looking back, the biggest 'adulting' leap was to realize that I -yes, I!- could be just as toxic as other people. It is very soothing to tell yourself it is the fault of other people, but it isn't necessarily so.

[@360shadowmoon]

SO MANY TRUTH BOMBS IN THIS ONE VIDEO.

[@laura__5544]

Omg yes on the roommates who come from different household dynamics. I had a roommate who would blow up, like actually screaming, over relatively small things and then would later act like nothing had happened. I'm super sensitive and a conflict avoider and I had no idea how to handle that. That roommate situation did not end well.

[@AM-rt7uu]

Great video! I would love more detailed advice on where and how make friends (things to do/places to go to meet people, how to approach people without being awkward, etc.) I have moved to a new city recently and have always struggled with relationships, and am currently at a loss in terms of figuring things out now that I have graduated college.

[@Courtney-zl4ge]

Yes! I am going through the same thing currently 😅

[@buggydust]

toxic dynamics vs. being bad people at our core is a good distinction to make. one of my closest friends (who i live with now incidentally) and i had a falling out years ago, mostly due to my abrasiveness. hating things together and rudeness for laughs had been the basis for most of my teenage friendships and i dont think i was used to that not being the norm in a majority of my relationships? or truly realizing how much my behavior at the time hurt new friends i'd made Not on the basis of mutual hate. we parted ways rough and i spent a few years reflecting and changing and we were able to reconnect with a better understanding of ourselves, what we want out of friendships, and how we hurt each other in the past.

[@MissTwilightHater]

the unmeasured shaking of coffee into the cup is pinacle chatoic Leena energy

[@tilda.watson]

such a fine friendship line between favours and manipulation

[@TheLuxVex]

I already wanted to be your friend before. Now I want a sleepover... You seem like a fantastic friend to have, I'm happy for the people who are close to you.

[@becki8000]

Such an engaging way to deliver the video, in the style of a friend's night in.

[@blueberrymuffinscottage]

I will say this: I'm politically on the right, and the majority of my friends are on the left. It makes our friendship so sweet because we don't have that fast-track kind of connection through having the same enemies or the same ideas. We have genuinely become friends by getting to know each other over time. Met most of them in that nerdy, hard-working clique in college. ❤️ Love them to bits.

[@leggyegg2890]

This video is SO helpful!! On the note of ‘not realising how bad things were’, I think a lot of people (especially us in our early twenties) aren’t the best at communicating and a lot of the time it can come as a shock to hear that a friendship is at breaking point. I’m guilty of this as well - not saying anything until you’re fed up and it’s too late. It’s something I’m really trying to look out for and encourage other people to as well! It’s okay to be honest with a friend when you think somethings off and it’s best for the friendship

[@fimacp]

as a 20 year old, it's safe to say I very much appreciate you and I'm very glad I have found this series! if you're not told often enough I can confirm the vids are suuuuper great and helpful :)

[@irissophia1994]

I always love when you get creative with filming, locations etc. So engaging to watch! Also thank you for sharing your wisdom with us 🤗

[@deenoekuekinjuhuujahaa1804]

Thank you so much for this video! Watching this mere days after seeing a friend who I struggled having a long distance friendship with and really enjoying seeing her again just really hits differently. I really appreciate your content!

[@hannahrobin7449]

I live with my "best friend". Through the experience I've realised that I give much more to the friendship than he does and that he's really quite selfish. So I'm the one that does the chores, I help him out but he doesn't do that back. I'm glad that I've realised this, but I'll be happy when I move out.

[@mollybernardin4278]

as soon as i saw the scissors come out for the pizza I knew this was the right video for me

[@catchhen]

I loved the style of filming you captured! It was so nice feeling like you were talking to a friend throughout it 🥰 Loved the intro and outro! Of course the advice too! Fab series! I've had 10 housemates so far and I'm 24.. Yikes 😆

[@loureysavick5736]

Dear Leena, I have started sending your videos to friends and colleagues who campaign/give speeches/educate not only for the content but for your scriptwriting and design! You do such a great job of humanizing this format and making your audience feel like they are in a dialogue-your humor never feels attention-seeking, and you have already influenced me to seek out and buy Piranesi and Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe, two books I would not have noticed or read otherwise, and LOVED. I notice that you do a very good job of prioritizing and editing your comments on an argument. Thanks for another great video, wise and kind as always.

[@albaruizdunbar4565]

Don't have anything to say, just a comment for the algorithm and a warm hug from me and dog that is lying on my belly while watching this. Also i have coffee. Coffee and leena. Bliss.

[@PopcornEmma]

I am in my early twenties and I'm Bad At Friendship overall but this video was very reassuring!

[@anastasiagreen666]

2 minutes in and i had to stop to say i feel so validated seeing someone else use scissors to cut pizza!!! i was taught by a friend when I was 17 and it's been one of the best hacks of my life ☺

[@carrieswords8151]

Friends should be like clothes, you love them in different ways and for different things. Some you love for old memories. Some you love for going out. Some you love for excitement. Some you love for sports. But none are inherently 'the best' nor are any of them useful for every single thing. Moreover, once they have ceased to bring joy and make you feel unhappy, uncomfortable, itchy, or are not useful to your life they can be gracefully given to someone else. This metaphor only goes so far, but I've always found it helpful.

[@keylocked5129]

I really needed this today. Actually just got dinner with a friend I haven't really talked to for the past few months after having lived together the previous term (college, y'know) and I'm so glad I saw this video before I did. It oscillated between super comfortable, just like it used to be, and awkward pauses. I'm keeping in mind everything you said here, and it's really stopped what would otherwise probably be a night of total anxiety and replaying everything that happened. Thank you so much!

[@christianamcclurg4669]

SO many great points in this video, including one of the last things you said, "friendship is a skill"

[@nickpov3y]

vibed with a lot of these things in here as a 27yr old person. maybe i've just had bad luck, but I now have a rule of 'don't live with anyone where you have a relationship that you'd be really hurt from losing'.

[@aliciafree4246]

Something I learnt from an old co-worker: if they're talking about everyone except you, they're talking about you when you're not there. Also when someone is gossiping do whatever you possibly can to change the subject as that person will probably tell the actual person that you agreed with that bad opinion

[@jewel8753]

Loved this! When I was going through a friendship breakup for the first time a little less than a year ago I felt like I couldn’t find enough people talking about this kind of thing. It was such a painful experience.

[@marthacampbell6188]

Those two quotes at the end were so good. I love it when actually totally obvious-when-you-think-about-it common sense epiphanies blow my tiny mind.

[@MissFiono]

Loved the sleepover format, Leena! I've moved around a lot (Scotland/England/Switzerland) and I remember taking offence at first when I dropped off the radars of friends in old places of residence when I moved, whereas now I'm ok with only keeping in touch with one or two folks (if that) from a previous place I lived. I've been to weddings where the brides have a bridesmaid representing every stage of their life and it looks exhausting maintaining that many close friendships. We're not designed for that, and I wonder if social media gives us the impression that we should always be up to speed with what the nearest 200 or so people in our network are up to? Methinks not.

[@hannahy4962]

glad you mentioned grieving a friendship. a close friend and i had a massive breakup a couple years ago...it was worse than any relationship breakup i'd had prior to that, and i spent months just emotionally wrecked, with no real language to explain why the fallout hurt me so badly. in hindsight, our relationship was a toxic one, and i'm okay with the person i've become since then. but at the time i WAS grieving and sometimes i still feel sad over how that friendship ended.

[@Bananastroodle]

Hi just wanted to say that this video was super comforting and lovely! You remind me a little bit of Mr. Rogers when you address us viewers like a friend, so sweet and thoughtful

[@EyeGlassTrainofMind]

This is an awesome video, Leena! I agree that friendships don't have to be constantly 🔥. My friend Laura and I have this casual understanding with each other that each time we see each other, the first few hours or day is really just adjusting to who the new person respectively is and then we just have a great time! Laura and I met as work friends during our first years of uni and then a year later she was in Thailand teaching and I saved up to stay with her for 2 weeks. We sat in the ocean just chilling and talking one afternoon about how we both love and adventure and supporting each other and everything else can change but that's the base of our friendship(at least for the past 8 years!). Disappointment is when reality does not agree with expectation, so Laur and I just have very few expectations and every few years or so, reconnect (help each other move, see new places, or spend 12 hours talking on the phone). Not for everyone, but that's our friendship and it's one of the strongest I've ever had--can't speak for laur-- 😊

[@xcluelessbeautyx]

I’ll be 37 in a few weeks and this series has been so helpful to me. 🤗

[@celiag.1272]

I'm about to head off for my first year of college and when I tell you I NEEDED this video- thanks so much! Love that you talked about how you have to put work into friendships even after you're declared as friends, that's super important, especially if you aren't seeing each other every day because of work or school.

[@mydoggotshavedtoday]

I think living with your best friends can be good. It just depends on your at home living styles. I’ve done it successfully.

[@vifratta8197]

This is my comfort series

[@hellow0rld798]

Yay Leena!!! For love languages, I also really like asking friends about their human design to balance the friendship because HD is about how we best naturally move through life. There’s a lot of differences in myself that other people haven’t handled with care and learning about someone’s human design has really helped me be a little more in tune with their “energy cycles” and be a better friend to them and myself simultaneously. Ie. I need deep rest after a big project so if a friend who’s more consistent asks me to do something in that dip, I can acknowledge my rest period really well and pass without feeling like I “should” be more constant in my energy and getting drained, or I know some friends want to talk things out to make decisions and it doesn’t make me feel odd to not want/need that but I can hold space for them while they do that without giving advice.

[@Horsebuggy2]

there's an unhinged quality to this video that I think improves the content by about a million honestly

[@leenanorms]

Haha I appreciate that!

[@CriticalHealingMoment]

Such a timely video. I turn 29 next month and still friends with many people younger in their 20s and I’ve been noticing some of these “lies” manifest.

[@myconfusedmerriment]

I had a very similar experience in college where my friend group all went to different schools and I felt really isolated and like I was losing all my friends suddenly. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that it’s gonna be okay!! Your friendships are changing because your lives are changing! Ironically, I’m now very close with those girls again because we all ended up close to home. A distant period in a friendship isn’t necessarily the end of it and I wish I wouldn’t have gotten so stressed about it then, because it was totally a natural process and I learned a lot about myself during that time.

[@CraigSimmonds]

Fresh uploads from jsutkissmyfrog are my love language

[@rickim1061]

Wow I needed this sleepover 😊 I moved to Australia from Canada three years ago and being in lockdown for almost two of these years has made it hard to make friends. Thanks for all the good tips and the good vibes. Ill bring back your keep cup washed next weekend!

[@diaz9rox]

sometimes people only understand the impact when it is potentially relationship ending. ofc it should come from love, but if the person is otherwise a good friend i think it is worth the ultamatum sometimes!

[@georgia7967]

People who are only willing to fix things at breaking point... hit me hard. Literally grieved closing down a friendship until - well I still grieve it.

[@kittycat4378]

I've been subscribed to you for like, more than 6+ months and haven't made it around to watching a video until today but absolutely in love. I think you raise a lot of really good points. Friendship feels like a skill that I definitely don't have at times and I know for me it's something I want to work on so hearing a lot of advice is particularly helpful. I think you're right about a lot of time and resources are spent teaching us to navigate romantic relationships instead of focusing on our friendships so it's definitely something I want to invest more time and research into learning how to care for the people who are important to me.

[@jayc9345]

For the living with friends, there's also a matter of the fact you CAN have too much of a good thing. Being around someone every single day is hard, but it can also spawn jealousy when you need a break and spend time with other friends. Especially if the other friend is a mutual friend.

[@lillil8282]

I found house keeping/chores was one of the biggest sources of upsets and miscommunications when living with friends. It feels uncomfortable to drill into the details of bills/cleaning when starting to live together and theres so many unspoken expectations of what living with another person is like, often based on family experience like you said.

[@Kalaylajayla]

Definitely felt "don't live with your bestie" in my core. Lost mine this way.