Lovelink Podcast. Haunted by History

I was featured on this podcast by LoveLink called Haunted by History: Love after Trauma. Sorry it's just a direct replay of the hour long podcast, but I hope some of you have the time to listen to it. You can also listen to it directly on the website (www.lovelink.co) or find it on Apple Podcasts or Stitcher.

[@sumarah85]

Thank you Jacob, this is so valuable to me...listening to it once I recognized several of the dynamics within me. I feel like I'm going to listen to it over and over. Please keep doing what you're doing.

[@JacobHamPhD]

That's very touching. I really hope it helps. I'm going to post a lot of videos about my work with this great couple. As soon as I find the time and figure out the treatment for the videos.

[@LL-jx7qf]

I've been watching a bunch of your videos today, so apologies if I'm posting lots of comments at once. This is really helpful to analyze the dysfunctional dynamics between a traumatized and a secure partner. Fortunately, she has been in therapy and is aware of her possible defenses and attacks that she subconsciously employs to drive her partner away out of fear of abandonment, and her partner is so grounded that he is able to see through her tactics and understand there are deeper layers of truth, but even then, 2 months of this had been emotionally exhausting. My own problem is that my partner and I had our trauma histories, and I stupidly thought we would weave a happily ever after story. I had no idea that the full force of what he lived through would be unleashed on me - rage, gaslighting, emotional neglect, projection - the whole works, and his need to protect himself is so great that he would make me the villain of our story in revisionism, to protect himself from facing his words and deeds. There is no closure, except I need to do this unilaterally, myself. With a NPD step parent and now this, the metabolism of pain is a truly necessary exercise. I have tried Buddhism, Tolle's Power of Now, etc. I hope that in the near future, you would be so kind as to dedicate a chapter to the fading of these pain shadows and to develop resilience, I can't help thinking the pain isn't ended, and I wonder in what universe could "karma" work like this?

[@JacobHamPhD]

I wish I could respond to you but I could never do justice to your comments without actually meeting with you and spending hours and years conversing back and forth. The approximation of this conversation in a reply would be more harmful and disappointing than good, I imagine. I hope you find a great therapist or some other healing force in your life some day to help you on this journey.

[@LL-jx7qf]

Thanks for the feedback. I wonder if it is necessary to go to those depths to recalibrate oneself? I'm reluctant about therapy as I would like to resist ruminations, having had most of my questions answered. What helps with my own process is to understand that trauma inflicted on my ex partner was likely at a greater magnitude, from an earlier age. Compassion metabolizes pain, I believe this to be a Buddhist concept, then forgetting and finally, remembering and returning to one's primary drive and life's passion. If the process works, I'll surely update.:)

[@marinakuchma6898]

Thank you for what you do, for your approach for trauma and for posting this information. I love your gentle attitude to inner Hulk. This was a revelation for me that he's trying to protect me and that I am good and not a weirdo, when I'm triggered. I just finished reading a book What my bones know, loved it. And the chapters with your sessions were like a warm loving hug. Thank you❤

[@jennachoness8453]

I completely agree with your thoughts here. I also just finished "What My Bones Know" which led me to Dr. Ham's KZbin videos. Hearing the videos are so therapeutic and healing for me. It has helped me to understand myself in new ways and to truly start to make sense of my trauma story. Thank you so much, Dr. Ham!

[@carrief8180]

This interview really struck a nerve. That feeling of push and pull in my relationship is a huge energy drain in order to try to fight. Then I end up feeling numb and empty and that critical voice comes in and that urge to pull away starts again.

[@JacobHamPhD]

Yup. It's so tough. I'm really going to try to push out more of my sessions with this couple so that you can keep learning and growing along with them.

[@carrief8180]

Thanks. I’m sure it will be helpful.

[@dominikkulcsar2753]

The whole episode was incredible to listen to. But the final part about learning to become soothing towards that inner critical voice really struck the nerve with me. The voice is there for a reason, it saved my life, but that does not mean it has to control every aspect of my life going forward, because it can prevent the good parts from happening, or good people from coming into my life. Thank you again Jacob.

[@JacobHamPhD]

Bravo! Exactly! Thank you for taking the time to listen and comment to highlight such an important point.

[@pleiotropie]

Hi Dr. Ham, I resonated really hard with this part of the episode: “part of what trauma does is that it makes you put walls up, and it makes you objectify the other person as a non-person. and to see his pure subjectivity as another person in this relationship that can be hurt and has needs too, it’s both terrifying but it’s the thing that gets her to come out of her trauma rehearsed shell“ It's something I've been so frustrated about myself in my healing journey, because so many resources are for the collapsed persona, rather than the angry, aggressive, and even at times sociopathic persona. This is the first time this part of me has felt recognized. Do you have any resources or books as a footnote to this anger + objectification/dehumanization of others in the face of self protection? I want to learn more. Thank you!

[@sentb5744]

So glad I found this. Thank you

[@atamvallabh2895]

Went through the same situation 2 months back ...though he was at fault initially...i lashed at him out of immense pain...he apologized and then only realization of hurting the one i love MOST occurred ...and decided not to withdraw from the relationship next time...better face it ...and keep growing together... :) i have studied religious sciences aswell and found this tape a copy of my life...my partner is very good and patient with my.. At times electrified behavioural patterns ...that's why i am improving myself as i am aware of my past traumatic experiences ....YOUR WORK IS PRECIOUS JACOB :) HOPEFULLY YOU REACH YOUR HIGHEST POTENTIALITY ♡♡

[@anasha100]

Amazing! You are an inspiration

[@susanralph274]

heard of the 'four olds' destructon in 1966? i heard that mainlanders are going to destroy all cantonese, language first, people in general

[@Einhpets]

🥴🥴🥴😩

[@JacobHamPhD]

lol. thank you!