Maddie Zahm - If It's Not God (Official Music Video)

"If It’s Not God" by Maddie Zahm from her debut EP 'You Might Not Like Her', out now via AWAL.
STREAM: maddiezahm.ffm.to/ifitsnotgod
EP PRE-ORDER: maddiezahm.ffm.to/youmightnot...
Directed by Gus Black
FOLLOW MADDIE
Homepage: www.maddiezahmmusic.com
Instagram: / maddiezahm
Tik Tok: www.tiktok.com/@maddiezahms?l...
Twitter: / maddiezahm
Facebook: / maddiezahmmusic
LYRICS
Be pretty and
Don’t make it look like you're tryin
Told to be Esther
When I felt like Goliath
When they were wrong
I could never keep quiet
I'd search for the truth
And had faith that I’d find it
Set myself on fire
let myself be the liar
All the Sunday’s I worried I’d disappoint my mom
Cause I never understood some types of love being wrong
Something inside me was always steering left
What father picks a few just to leave the rest
I heard a voice inside my head, they disagreed
So If it wasn’t God then thank God it was me
They called me a sinner
When I was a saint
Hiding in her bedroom
Praying depression away
Killin herself for eternal life
And losing her interests to be a good wife
Set myself on fire
I let them call me the liar
All the Sunday’s I worried I’d disappoint my mom
Cause I never understood a type of love being wrong
Something inside me was always steering left
What father picks a few just to leave the rest
I heard a voice inside my head, they disagreed
So If it wasn’t God if that wasn't God it was me
Thank God it was me
BRIDGE:
If it was God
Then I don’t have to worry
He’ll know why I left
Why I ran in a hurry
So either way I choose
I’m not wasting my life
Cause the voice in my head
Has always been right
All the Sunday’s I worried I’d disappoint my mom
Cause I never understood a type of love being wrong
Something inside me was always steering left
No father picks a few just to leave the rest
CREDITS
DIRECTOR: Gus Black
PRODUCERS: Kelly Norris Sarno, Ashley Whelan, Gus Black
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: Tim Toda
1ST AC: Jorge Olortegui
STEADICAM: Garet Lee Jatsek
2nd AC: Kody Newton
1ST ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: McKena Vigilant
2nd ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: Ashley Whelan
PRODUCTION MANAGER | ASSOCIATE PRODUCER: Jacob Brumfield
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: Tashia Yeates-Brumfield
GAFFER: Pat Metzler
BEST BOY: George Hysmith
KEY GRIP: Bill Zuehl
GRIP: Dan Misner
PRODUCTION DESIGNER: Nichole Stull
SET DRESSER: Coral Clark
WARDROBE: Amanda (Mariko) Hipperson
ASSISTANT WARDROBE: Amanda Fitch
KEY HAIR & MAKE UP: Carolina Ballesteros
ASSISTANT HMU: Amanda Woods
STILLS ASSISTANT: Lauren Withrow
PA’s: Toni Hagan, Dre Denise, Nate Hardy
CASTING: Lynn Pattnosh, Catrine McGregor & Madalyn VanValkenburgh
BTS: Elizabeth Findley
LABEL: AWAL
VIDEO COMMISSIONER: Bianca Bhagat
SENIOR DIRECTOR, PRODUCT MANAGEMENT: Sarah Goodman
ARTIST MANAGEMENT: Christian Stavros and Heather Kolker
CAST
PRIEST: Nick Garcia
PASTOR: Lance Thompson
TEENAGE MADDIE: Laney Olson (trauma story 1)
YOUNG MADDIE: Wynter Woods
GIRL IN PARK 1: Kennedy Williams
GIRL IN PARK 2: Holland Stull
GIRL IN PARK 3: Tatijanna Woods
TRAUMA STORY 2 - GIRL WITH PASTOR : Sarah Tucker
TRAUMA STORY 3 - GIRL WITH FAMILY : Remi Stull
EXTRA STORY 3 - MOM WITH TAPE: Hollis Welsh
EXTRA STORY 3 - CHILD WITH TAPE: Sibelle Garcia
EXTRA STORY 3 - CHILD WITH TAPE: Aude Garcia
TRAUMA STORY 4: Dami Ashaye
COUPLE KISSING: Kylie & Rochelle Williams
EXTRA IN WHEELCHAIR: Yvonne Juarez
ADDITIONAL EXTRAS IN CHURCH AISLE: Myna Zahm, Kim Davis, April Kolman, Hannah Lacy
IF IT’S NOT GOD
WRITTEN BY: Maddie Zahm, Brian Brundage
PRODUCTION: Adam Yaron, Maddie Zahm
MIX ENGINEER: Matt Huber
MASTERED BY: Joe LaPorta
MASTERED AT: Sterling Sound
RECORDING ENGINEER: Adam Yaron
KEYS: Brian Brundage
CELLO: Tiger Darrow
VIOLIN: Chase Potter
BACKING VOCALS: Bre Kennedy, Sam Backoff, Zoe Clark
#maddiezahm #ifitsnotgod

[@MaddieZahm]

what the church doesn’t realize is that when you teach a kid to sing with conviction, eventually they’ll grow up and find their own.

[@nicolea6601]

You are INCREDIBLE ❤️🔥🙌🏼

[@femininegamer0166]

Thank you for blessing me with such beautiful music! You’re so talented! I’ve never related to an artist as much as I relate to you 💗💗

[@lilysargent2085]

You are healing things deep in my soul. Oh how I wish to meet you some day. ❤️ love from a fellow bisexual ex worship leader

[@tylerreanne01]

You’re so amazing, Maddie. Thankyou for your music ❤️

You've got a pure soul, that's all that matters. ❤❤❤✨✨✨💐💐💐 Proud of you👑👑👑

[@heatherbrown4176]

This woman is speaking for an entire generation of traumatized church kids. KEEP GOING MADDIE.

[@juanitawolfe1951]

I've never felt so understood in this specific trauma

[@chriptselstrood2229]

Fuck YES!!! this song making me ha a relapse of my life.

[@mwillis7791]

Yes!!!! Exmo and healing!

[@lizziebg16]

Can you imagine hearing this in a huge concert hall with all of singing along?

[@merbear711]

@@lizziebg16 I'd want to sing it at my old church. For my old church.

[@wannabedrewafualo]

Maddie Zahm’s lyrics alone can singlehandedly cure my religious trauma.

[@treefrog1018]

...I was searching for words to say. ^^This. That's it.

[@lilturtle2932]

Hey hope you are doing well. I hope you are able to heal and I just wanted to say you are so strong and I love you

[@lilturtle2932]

@@treefrog1018 hey how are you doing? I’m here for you if you need anything. Love you

[@mandydanidoes]

Amen to that 😅

[@willlee6095]

“No Father picks a few just to leave the rest” is a WORD! 🔥

[@dee-jane-a2512]

actually he doesn't pick a few, he died for all on that cross we just have the choice to grab hold of that sacrifice or not so we pick not him

[@emilywoodcock6959]

I really want this as a Tshirt

[@justanotherjessica]

​@@dee-jane-a2512 TOXIC AF. If your father walked up to you and called you an evil sinner who deserves to suffer and then said "if you give me a hug, I'll take it all back and love you forever," would you give them a hug? Of course not. So why are we supposed to accept a "god" that does that to people?

[@shadowmoon3526]

@@justanotherjessica not trying to start anything but God doesn’t say that we deserve suffer. The whole reason he sent Jesus is so we don’t have to suffer

[@joshbowen3874]

@@shadowmoon3526 if we didn’t deserve to suffer, then we didn’t need Jesus. What is so scary and toxic about the modern day church is there are so many people that are so deceived that they actually believe they are doing the right thing by shunning and rebuking. They truly believe that they are doing is best, and they do so blindly.

[@HyenaSister]

"If it was God then I don"t have to worry. He'll know why I left. Why I ran in a hurry. So either way I choose I'm not wasting my life, because the voice in my head has always been right." That hits me like a ton of bricks.

[@BroadwayBabe3]

Right? Full-chested sobs right then.

[@annmarie6870]

I was listening to this at work and almost had an anxiety attack her music actually got me through work and over time.

[@annmarie6870]

Didn’t Jesus seek out the truth?

[@felunasola]

Hit so hard

[@augustethompson3964]

Literally sobbing.

[@adriennebaer5837]

Had an immediate physical response to seeing the girls taped mouths while the men are free. Truly thank you for healing my spirit every few weeks this summer. You are changing lives with this work.

[@izzy2822]

Does that part symbolise anything I wasn’t sure what it meant but please don’t explain if it’s triggers

[@randylopez5080]

@@izzy2822 it means alot of things to different people. In most religions women are oppressed. They can't speak out against the church or their husband's. In the Bible it says if there are men preaching then a women must not speak. Alot of these religious men think that women are underneath men. Also Maddie being bi or lesbian feels like she can't come out or be who she is due to fear of being shamed or exiled from the church. So she feels silenced therefore the tape on her mouth at church

[@ToharaAmah]

I immediately started sobbing and couldn't stop. Hits so close to home

[@anthonyman8008]

Subservient men destroyed Christianity.

[@havenlively843]

So did I! Tears!!

[@BobKuchiKopi]

From an ex-mormon boy who took literal decades to realize I was bi... thank you. I'm crying at my desk, listening to all the feelings and thoughts I've had about this, sung so beautifully by you.

[@nishthaarora9533]

"No father picks a few just to leave the rest"

[@studio_7878]

"Cause I never understood a type of love being wrong" is such a powerful line for me as someone who is apart of the LGBTQ+ community because I grew up as the pastor's daughter and I never understood why loving who you love was wrong. This song means so much to me and so many other people. Thank you Maddie

[@yourbestfriend365]

I had the exact same experience. ❤

[@cccog10]

Who knew one song could reveal so many issues and make me feel validated for walking away from the church. Thank you for this and all your music

[@matteaston2350]

As an ex-Mormon, this song speaks to my soul. Thank you for so artistically capturing what it feels like to lose the religion we are raised in-but in the process, to find ourselves. ❤️

[@candacecooper3845]

We were told that our depression was the result of not loving God enough. Thank you for this. In 4 minutes you put into words what my sisters and I were never allowed to express ❤

[@katiemoran9163]

I was told to pray harder for my anxiety to go away. I didn't love God enough.

[@saltyshambles]

When I mean I’m SCREAMING ,”IT WAS ME!” Maddie, I wish I knew how to thank you, for everything you’ve given us, in a time that most needed you! I stayed home from work today just so I would be able to watch and process this! I haven’t seen or spoken to my mom in months and it’s been the some of the toughest days, but thanks to you I’m singing to myself how proud I am!

[@saltyshambles]

🗣 IT WAS ME

[@saltyshambles]

You’ve given power to so many girls and women in a time that we most need it!

[@melissaann6691]

and i hope you stay proud of yourself, im proud of you, you are so strong and i hear you

[@annmarie6870]

Right?

[@katiemoran9163]

As someone who grew up a pastor's daughter in peak 90's purity and conservative culture, I thank you for this. Instant tears listening to these lyrics. Cleansing tears.

[@aimeemejia766]

It was always me. I was the one who pulled myself out of depression all those times. They may have convinced me god was the magician, but I was the one who held the magic. Thank you Maddie for this healing in my ❤️. I am free.

[@breannarg]

❤️👏🏻

[@mynamesbeans1573]

But He is the one who did that. And it's a capital G.

[@iaminevitable_]

@@mynamesbeans1573 to you, but not for everyone else.

[@annmarie6870]

@@iaminevitable_ and that’s totally okay

[@arewedeadyet6363]

YOUR WORDS❤❤❤❤😭 thank you

[@hannahsmith7040]

SO POWERFUL. I was raised in a missionary Baptist family. I am not part of the LGBTQ+ community. I'm a wife and mother. But as a young child I NEVER understood how anyone could be an abomination for being who they were. As a young mom who suffered gravely with anxiety and depression who was told to "pray about it"....I'm so glad I broke free from that. So glad.

[@lilybainbridge9234]

God loves all his children it's not the religion it's the people and how they twist it as a Christian member of the LGBTQ community I am so happy to be surrounded by amazing Christians who support me and also to be surrounded by the Lord who loves me everyday I hope one day u will see that it's not the Bible it is not god but it's the people

[@CantoErgoSum]

@@lilybainbridge9234 Demonstrate your god's existence before you start excusing your god's atrocities.

[@NoahDaDudeBroMan]

Yeah I mean some of us may not agree with your choice but we still love you. We’re not supposed to argue with you. Jesus himself said love everyone, so why hate your community?

[@avivastudios2311]

It wasn't who they were it's what they did. God doesn't actually care about your sexuality, he only cares about your actions. Same sex relationships are sinful.

[@avivastudios2311]

@@NoahDaDudeBroMan Yup, anyone can come into the church. We don't have to agree with everything you do. Just show love and respect to people.

[@psyckoda]

That shot of the family with all the girls with their mouths taped shut while the dad looks blissful and leads the way is intense. Hit me hard.

[@brandonheat4982]

As an african american male musician raised in a militant christian home... this is confirmed and inspired me to take a more musically brutal approach to further elaborate on this beautiful message you brought. But telling it from a african american historical type point of view. Thanks Maddie

[@77greenmama]

@brandonheat4982 where can we find your music? I would appreciate hearing your African-American historical viewpoint. ❤

[@ericahuerta9692]

Okay but the tape on the mouth of the women and girls hit all the ptsd and trauma for me! What a beautiful message, and thank God for you and the gifts he’s giving you because this song is gonna heal a whole generation of once good church kids who are hurting.

[@aprilsmith2822]

OMG, yes! 🥺

[@kw9158]

YES! This was really powerful when I saw that. And it's completely how it is in so many churches and religions around the world.. :(

[@anthonyman8008]

To bad only subservient men exist

[@Manda4Jolie]

Traumatized church kid here and this song hit me like a ton of bricks. I've never seen or heard anything that describes my upbringing like this and just... thank you. Thank you for this.

[@pizzalover1394]

The line “I never understood a type of love being wrong” speaks volumes. I can’t understand how people hold such deep rooted beliefs… to hate people for who they love. I can’t comprehend how people can cut relationships with family and friends over who they choose to love.

[@CantoErgoSum]

Fear of death is very powerful. Religion is designed to create this conflict.

[@hk4lyfe59]

That's a misrepresentation of the truth. The Bible teaches that homosexuality is a sin, but it doesn't teach to hate people who sin, actually the opposite.

[@CantoErgoSum]

@@hk4lyfe59 Oh I see so you think that's better? Homosexuality isn't a "sin"; sin doesn't exist, and neither does your god. Homosexuality occurs in nature across over 1500 sexually reproducing species (and if your sky man created them then he created that too! but that's a big if when you can't even prove your god is real lmao). Your superstition against homosexuality is the result of your hideous religion (which has 44k different denominations worldwide-- you all can't even agree on what you think is real) and its need to subjugate and control sexuality in order to PRODUCE MORE LITTLE BELIEVERS. That is the ONLY reason to regulate sexuality and stigmatize the kind of sex that doesn't produce MORE LITTLE BELIEVERS or maintain the supremacy of men over women. The religious NEVER think critically because they are too emotionally attached to their superstitions. You are a prime example of this. "Hate the sin love the sinner" is a despicable, dirty, delusional thing to say and wherever it is, if you actually have any decency, you stomp it out. Not you, though. You're too busy being self-righteous.

[@NoahDaDudeBroMan]

@@CantoErgoSum Ehh that’s your opinion. We can all have those

[@CantoErgoSum]

@@NoahDaDudeBroMan That would be so much more plausible if what I said was an opinion.

[@vanessas6217]

“When they were wrong I could never keep quiet” 🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯 “Something inside me was always steering left” yessss!!!

[@caressasimpson7878]

As an ex-Mormon - this hits so hard, but in a beautiful way. My husband and I (and our 2 young adult daughters) left the Mormon church about 1.5 years ago when our eldest daughter told us she’s gay. We left very soon thereafter and then discovered a LOT more information about the church (I won’t get into that here)! I’m just sorry it took my daughter being gay for us to really look at what the church teaches about certain things and walk away. And then to learn about the things it hides - eye opening! Best decision we’ve ever made.

[@maybenot9449]

This song just made me cry. I don't understand how a church a place that's supposed to be a safe place can be filled with so much judgment and hypocrisy. I grew up in church. My mom sent us every Sunday. I lost my way as a teen. I went back to the church after becoming a mom. At first I was accepted because I was in a relationship but I wasn't married. They knew I had a baby and wasn't married. Yet it wasn't until my 2nd child out of wedlock did they turn their backs on me. I was engaged at the time but we weren't careful and I got pregnant. It hurt me so bad. I even ask them how they could judge me when nobody is perfect. I thought God was about forgiveness and love. How can they treat me so horribly? I lost my faith for awhile after that. I now know God loves me as I am. He accepts me as I am. Perfectly imperfect. I don't need church to tell me that.

[@amiraurmom]

exactly! God loves you and the church doesn’t need to tell you that for you to know. i hope you and your family are happy and healthy.

[@subhanAllah9417]

" I lost my faith for a while after that. I now know God loves me as I am he accepts me as I am perfectly imperfect I don't need a church to tell me that" yes I feel this last piece

[@maybenot9449]

@@amiraurmom I am happy. I married the father to my 2nd and 3rd child. He didn't know what faithful meant. I am remarried now to my soulmate/best friend/love of my life and father of my 4th and last child. I know God works in mysterious and beautiful ways. I am thankful.

[@maybenot9449]

@@subhanAllah9417 thats my truth. I believe God wouldn't love my 2 of my kids because they belong to lgbtqia+ community. The God i have come to know in my heart accepts everyone. He doesn't make mistakes. My kids are beautifully made and completely loved by God.

[@sarahmoorman6936]

Almost no churches teach that ‘God doesn’t love’ any group of people. Please.

[@littleclover2289]

This hit me hard. I'm not going to go into why I left the church because I don't want to risk triggering anyone, but God didn't save me. I got myself out. I saved myself. Thank you for this song, and all of your songs. You're truly helping to heal some major generational trauma in so many of us. We love you!

[@lexTS89]

I’m gay and Catholic and it’s really hard to keep going. I cry every Sunday. This song gives me hope. I love you. 🥺💗

[@lucaswb7387]

Don’t ever try to change yourself because it won’t work. Be proud of yourself!🏳️‍🌈

[@tiffanyholmes8560]

I agree with Lucas. You are who are you embrace it, owe it and never stop cause you’ll drive your self crazy pleasing the church!

[@sarahsadler2715]

Dont worry about what the church thinks, read your Bible for yourself and see who Jesus is. Pray for Him to change your heart, and make in you a new creation. Ask Him to convict you of any sin, whatever it may be. Start reading the book of Matthew in your New Testament, and encounter who Jesus is for yourself. I’m telling you, the Catholic Church does some things wrong. You cannot work your way to heaven! We will never be good enough. One sin is enough for Hell. That’s why Christ died because we deserve hell, but He provided another way. Encounter Him yourself, and spend time to do so. I’m telling you, you won’t be disappointed

[@CantoErgoSum]

Lex, you don't have to go to church. You don't have to be a Catholic. You don't have to believe at all. You don't have to fall for the "personal relationship with Jesus" propaganda that only enables the abuse of Christianity to continue. Nothing will happen to you if you decide not to be a Catholic anymore. No religion has ever been shown to be true, ever. Not Catholicism, not any form of Christianity at all, nor Judaism or Islam, nor any other religion through out history. Religions are created by humans to control and subjugate, and to call you "abnormal" or "unworthy" because people think there's a magical man in the sky who cares what you do with your genitals is just mental torture. Let them show their god to be true. You stop torturing yourself and move on. It's totally okay to be free. You deserve it.

[@callanelson329]

@@CantoErgoSum please stop with this anti religion bs, it’s not helping any.

[@calicomarker]

“On sundays I worried, I’d disappoint my mom” oh how that line killed me immediately, sent me back to 7th grade and learning about other religions, learning that I didn’t like our god and didn’t wanna worship him. I remember how scared I had been to tell my mother I didn’t wanna go to church anymore, and I remember our strained relationship for the next few months after she stopped going because there was no point if she was the only person in the house who went to church. That was the very first time I felt like I couldn’t confide in my mother, and god does it still hurt even if Christianity is no longer a sensitive topic between us. I have never cried to a song like I cried to this one

[@Freddyfingers]

She quit going cause she was the only one that went and you didn’t want to go… my mom did the SAME thing. Like why? You only went because you wanted to force me into that belief? Seems to be a way more selfish reason to go to church than for their own authentic belief. They say in church to be the example. They really didn’t act on that!

[@fildegard131]

"Praying depression away" damn.... Damn... That hit so hard

[@mattoswald800]

Maddie thank you. Your music has hit so close to home for me. I'm a queer trans man. I didn't come to terms with that reality until after I spent years working in nonaffirming churches. It wasn't until 5 years after coming out that I'd find home at a church again...a church that affirms and loves me. That let's me minister and recognizes my character. I'm so glad you were able to step away from a toxic faith environment. I hope you find peace too

[@meganhughes2902]

‘Killing herself for eternal life And losing her interest to be a good wife’ Well, that perfectly sums up a good 30 years of my life ‘in ministry’ - amazing work and a beautiful voice. Keep expressing what so many of us feel too shut down to express ourselves.

[@sarahmoorman6936]

Eternal life is way more important and way longer.

[@KateCat420]

​@sarahmoorman6936 good thing there's no such thing, then

[@totalweirdo8538]

As a queer Christian, this song is so important to me. Thank you.

[@helenajhpv]

same here 💖

[@elizabethwalden4789]

Legit feel we need some type of support group or book club for queer Christians to bond together. It’s so easy to feel alone out here.

[@nottinghambuttsticks107]

@@elizabethwalden4789 Oh yes please. We definitely do.

[@hannahem1978]

@@elizabethwalden4789 oh absolutely

[@alisa_and_pup]

@@elizabethwalden4789 100% on board. I feel like we get so lost in the conversation. It's like, if you're gay, suddenly they're like "well you just believe in everything now right? Like fairies and ancestoral deities and all the sex all the time with everyone non stop including kids and married people? Do you want to go to a church like that?" And you think... I swear I'm not crazy.. I'm not an oddity anymore than any other Christian. I just happen to like different people than you to be married to. That doesn't mean I just "gave up" my faith cuz I understand this one issue differently from you. It's hard to feel like a believer without a community. Without a house 🥺😔

[@anthonylanci2427]

Fully crying in my bedroom at 2am. What a powerful song. Sometimes I forget I’m not the only one with religious trauma. I grew up southern Baptist, and am no longer part of the church. I’m part of the LGBTQ+ community, amongst other things my old religion frowned upon. This women is singing to a whole generation. ❤

[@partofyourworld3514]

The scene with her child sitting alone gets me. I remember sitting in church/church pews as a kid hearing out pastor condemning “homosexuality” . My mom was homophobic but she has come a long way. She has been to pride and we watch One Day at a Time together now.

[@brandiking2999]

As a woman, now recovering for the religious trauma I received as a Jehovah's Witness, this song hits sooo close. It's been 4 years since I had a conversation with, or even heard a word from my parents.... thank you for this song. ❤️‍🩹

[@LindsayLou000]

Thank heavens I grew up in a church that taught the truth that God would never leave any of us behind and that He always values us and values who we love no matter what - I don't think I'd be here otherwise 💖

[@inthelight23]

Oooooooh! This is therapeutic for me . . . The tape on the mouths of the women while walking in to the church made me howl. Thank you for that visual in this song. I have three daughters and we will only go to places of worship where they will have a voice. The end, when it is little you sitting in the pew with the sweet, innocent smile, I burst into tears of grief and anger that we were ever made to feel anything less than loved and delighted in. Thank you.

[@carolint9550]

[Verse 1] Be pretty and don't make it look like you're trying Told to be Esther, when I felt like Goliath When they were wrong, I could never keep quiet I searched for the truth, and had faith that I'd find it [Pre-Chorus] Set myself on fire Let myself be the liar [Chorus] All the Sundays, I worried I'd disappoint my mom 'Cause I never understood some types of love being wrong Something inside me was always steering left Well fathеr picks a few just to leave thе rest I heard a voice inside my head, it disagreed So if it wasn't God, well, thank God it was me Thank God it was me They called me a sinner when I was a saint Hiding in her bedroom praying depression away Killing herself for eternal life And losing her interest to be a good wife [Pre-Chorus] Set myself on fire I let them call me the liar [Chorus] All the Sundays, I worried I'd disappoint my mom 'Cause I never understood a type of love being wrong Something inside me was always steering left Well father picks a few just to leave the rest I heard a voice inside my head, they disagreed So if that wasn't God, if that wasn't God, it was me Thank God it was me [Bridge] Me Thank God it was me, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah If it was God, then I don't have to worry We'll know why I left, why I ran in a hurry So either way I choose, I'm not wasting my life 'Cause the voice in my head has always been right All the Sundays, I worried I'd disappoint my mom 'Cause I never understood a type of love being wrong Something inside me was always steering left No father picks a few just to leave the rest

[@lydiatheglimmermaid]

I've been looking for songs for deconstruction for so long. Here they are. I hope you write more for us. It's filling such a gap and it's so healing.

[@cambriaofboise]

I am from Boise, born and raised - I am so glad I found you. I never felt very seen or understood here. Now I know I wasn't alone. Thank you! So glad the world is discovering your amazing talent.

[@boogaduhboogaduh]

Boise was rough for me. I'm so thankful for those beyond it like Maddie who remind me I'm not alone, and you too 😍

[@michelles.7804]

I needed this song so badly!!! Years and years of religious trauma and this song spoke to my soul!!! Thank you

[@beyyonce1008]

I loved that last verse “No father picks a few just to leave the rest”

[@IronChuck]

Almost 30 years ago, alone and afraid and so very hurt and angry, I walked away in a time when no one dared; leaving faith and family for something better. Today I look around and see so many of you and I'm so proud to be among you. This song... this story... this anthem of liberation... I cry. Welcome to life. Welcome to love. Welcome to hope.

[@wrenfallon6609]

As a former worship leader and queer person, these songs are a pivotal part of healing my religious trauma. Thank you for being the unquivered voice for us 🤍

[@Toonybammm]

I’ve been yelling this at the mirror for the past hour, never felt so much love from a song for myself . Thank you even if you never see this , just want you to know you set something inside me free.

[@ashleycarr9014]

Same I’ve been crying and singing this to myself in the mirror. So healing 💖

[@c471]

That second verse was me...until I finally realized that I couldn't find peace through praying and reading scripture when all it did was make me want to unalive. "If that wasn't God it was me!" Realizing that I CAN change my life and that I HAD to in order to survive was the start of a new beginning. THANK YOU MADDIE. Singing to your songs is one of the ways I find healing.

[@hannahcuster2456]

The amount of emotions this song makes me feel just confirms how great of an artist she is. Absolutely beautiful. ❤️

[@TaschaMonique]

There is absolutely nothing that makes me feel the way your music makes me feel thank you so much for being the voice of all us lost kids of church. ❤️🥺

[@skelentropy]

When the church you had been a part of for almost two decades chastises you in front of the children at the church camp you were the counselor at. Tears down ever aspect of your body, your convictions, and your faith to all the kids as a warning of who not to become. I was given no warning this would happen. That was the week I lost my faith.

[@CantoErgoSum]

How horrible the church abused you so. Do you know why they did it? Because they are liars who require force to ensure the continuation of their profit margin. You meant nothing to them, and they lied to you your entire life. And they did it for money, and they still do it for money. You didn't do anything wrong. Remember the church and religion are an institution designed to control and subjugate you. Resist. Let them show you they are telling the truth, which they can't do. I send you my warmest hugs. The church is poison.

[@mwillis7791]

I’ve recently found you. Please know that your music has had a profound effect on me. I was raised Mormon and have been working hard to heal and release religious trauma. Every song of yours speaks to a piece of me. Thank you for sharing your stories, talents, and life. I’m sending you my deepest respect and love.

[@natalieread789]

I have never felt so validated about my religious trauma. I am so incredibly grateful to you Maddie, your songs are so healing for me, and clearly for millions of others as well. Thank you for being brave enough, Thank you for your voice, Thank you Thank you Thank you.

[@danieltodd6703]

This is the 105th time I’ve watched this - and I still can’t hold back the last 30 years of tears. Thank you Maddie.

[@lizziebg16]

That golden cross, that was the one. In my deepest depression, I was all alone in my room, no counseling just their prayers so no one outside the family could know. Thank God I listened to myself. As a mother, so much trauma I thought was healed is coming back. Thank you for speaking this truth. We are ready to heal and protect our children from this.

[@mydnyt5179]

Maddie i can't begin to explain how badly the younger me needed your music♥️

[@bravebunnyblake]

I have been a devout Christian my entire life, some of my best friends are gay and bi, and I look at how beautiful they are and I KNOW they’re exactly who they were designed to be. Thank you Maddie for expressing what I’m feeling❤️ god is love.

[@dizzydreamer92]

Crying at work was not in my plans today, but here we are 🥹 this is hitting me in the religious trauma feels, and will be on repeat. Thank you for this, Maddie 💜💜

[@graceandgrowthdoula]

As a recently deconstructed evangelical I'm watching your videos with tears streaming down my face. Keep going Maddie. As someone else said in the comments you a few a voice for so many of us.

[@meg8602]

The tape though! My grandmother (devout Christian) was cheated on by my grandfather (also "devout" Christian) most of their marriage and she believed that it was her fault and that she needed to fix herself. I didn't know why they were divorced. I remember hearing this story for the first time as a teenager and feeling so angry because that was what our religion believed, that it was all her fault. She was shunned because he eventually filed for divorce and took everything, leaving her and their youngest son homeless. I will never forgive him for that and will always carry that story in my heart because the most devout Christian woman I have ever known was wronged in such a horrible manner by not only our religion, but some man who didn't deserve her. She still doesn't forgive herself and believes that she sinned by a man deciding to leave her and leave her homeless. The tape just brought back that horrific memory. Even though I didn't live through it, it still scarred me by showing me what the religion, and being dominated by a spouse, can do to you.

[@anonivan]

i am so convinced that there is more of a family and togetherness in us 'black sheep' and more insight and beautiful outlooks on this life in being 'heathens' than there ever was in being blind, silent followers. thank you maddie for consistently healing us in the words you sing, we love you🥺

[@Yojatram]

So much damage a church, a religion, a faith a “relationship” with a silent god can bring into an already broken, wounded searching for unconditional love human’s life. This is reverberating through my whole heart. My whole soul. My whole being. Heartbreakingly raw and beautiful.

[@JumanjiiCostco]

Just like "You Might Not Like Her", this song resonates with me on a wildly deep level that I was not expecting. This is beautiful and poignant and has me sobbing. Holy shit. Please keep doing this for as long as you feel satisfied, because you're changing lives.

[@rainegardner9924]

As a lesbian with religious trauma, this hits REAL close to home. Your songs always hit me in the feels, but this one specifically (and You Might Not like Her) is so important to me. 'I never understood a type of love being wrong'

[@kels_878]

The tape, oh my goodness. Immediate tears streaming down my face. Looks like a family portrait was done of my fam when I was a kid. I don't have the words to describe what this stirred up and what this did for me. Keep going, Maddie!! Goodness. These are anthems 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

[@bobsternvogel5550]

As powerful as these lyrics are on their own, Maddie, the setting of this video makes them even more compelling. I just discovered you a few hours ago, and you're already one of my favorite artists. Looking forward to the release of your EP in two weeks.

[@zoeybowman123]

Crying and smiling. This is so freeing. Haven’t felt this with music since I was Christian and loved worship. Thank youuuuuuu

[@nickthebrazilianguy]

wow. I really am crying on the bus on my way home from work. thank you. just, thank you, Maddie. thank you for being so honest and vulnerable and for sharing this song with us. thank you for helping me heal. I love you. ❤

[@tecklahjames9968]

came from tiktok for 🎶You Might not Like Her🎶church service and ended up staying for this sermon as well. Sing for us church kids sis!!!

[@graymyles]

my mom was raised in a heavily baptist church that had cult themes and undertones. many of her siblings have never left, but she did, and raised us non-denominational as she unlearned and healed from her religious trauma. she says one of her biggest regrets was raising us in the church, because when i came out as bisexual in high school and then 10 years later nonbinary and changed my name, i told her that i not only expected her and the rest of the family to hate me, but that it would be okay if they did, because they didn't know better, and religious trauma and guilt is not easy to leave and unlearn. when i showed her this music video she got really emotional and started crying. we've both been following your music since i showed her fat funny friend. your music isn't just healing our generation. its healing so many more hearts and lives than i think anyone could imagine. not many people can put into words what you have in this ep, and for the first time thanks to the internet, making this a topic of discussion, giving you a platform to share your story, letting thousands hear the feelings they've had finally be spoken, we now get to know we're not alone. thank you.

[@mountainjuliet]

I was raised in a Christian household. I understand the church clicks and all. I was always outside. So I took a step back from all of it for a long while. But refinding him is amazing. I pray everyone here does. Once you learn to understand the bible and God for what it really is, and find a church that implements God's true love, it's a lot easier to understand. I'm about to finally be baptized. I never wanted to before because I felt I wasnt good enough. But I've learned that while all the people around me were saying that i wasnt, God was saying I was good enough, and that Jesus was thinking of me while he was on that cross. He did it for me. He did it for all of us. All we have to do is accept that gift and follow him. God is good.

[@jonathanlatham9847]

This songs speaks as to a sad truth that so many Christians judge rather than love. Christians who’s faith does not go farther than the church are not wired to see that we are meant to love everyone whether you agree or disagree with their opinions. Church’s are suppose to be places of acceptance and healing but Christians with wrongfully uprooted faith that if you don’t abide by certain rules you are a sinner are the reason people are being ran away from the church, away from God, away for Christin Faith. God is not picking a few and leaving the rest, failed Christians are the do-ers of what we see Maddie go through.

[@ashtonlanders8663]

Currently sitting at my desk at work, just about bawling my eyes out. I grew up in church, but it never felt like "home" as it did to other people. All the teachings about how to be a "true" Christian were pounded into my young head. "Something inside me was always steering left ", that line never felt truer. I've always been a think outside of the box person. I didn't fully understand how "different" I was, I just never felt right every Sunday going to church. I was 9 years old when I stopped. I never felt truly connected to God anyways, so it's not like my faith waivered. When I came out at age 20, religion and the bible were thrown in my face. But how could the fact that I was absolutely in love with someone that made me feel like home, be so bad. Why would a God "punish" me when he is supposedly the one that created my Life, and the path for my Life. God is all knowing, is He not? Would he have not known from the beginning that the person whose heart would be mine, and who I would give my heart to would be a woman? Why does the physical body matter, why should it matter? We are all just souls, so why would God HATE me for finding and falling in love with another soul. I am 32 years old, and even still, I have not stepped foot inside of a Church unless it's been for a funeral or a wedding. Church is just a building to me, if someone truly wanted to celebrate their God and his teachings, they would be doing it 7 days a week, 365 days a year, and not just every Sunday and Wednesday night in a concrete building. I don't really know what my religion is, or if I even have one at this point. If there is a God, "He'll know why I left." Thank you Maddie for this song. 💜

[@CantoErgoSum]

Well said! Let the church prove they are telling the truth. Don't presuppose the existence of this claimed deity. And you're right; it it's real, it'll know why you left. If it cares at all.

[@AveryTalksAboutStuff]

They claim they want to know why we're all leaving and then refuse to listen or take any accountability when we tell them exactly why...it's almost like they spent our whole lives praying for a revival that they weren't ready for. 🤐

[@noplacespecial]

Your music always makes me sob in the best possible way. Thank you you for putting all the jumbled feelings in my head into something beautiful that I can scream-sing to in my car.

[@caryssgwilliam2289]

don't believe in the church, believe in the god who produced the church. The church wants the gospel in you, but god wants to see you and the gospel in you. the church tells you to pray about your problems, while good tells you to seek help as well as prey. let that sink in for a moment ❣❣

[@joehager2964]

I don't think a song has ever touched my heart as much as this one. My family wouldn't ever accept me. It use to and still does hurt sometimes.

[@alexihavenoidea]

YOOOOO i’m so excited for this edit- okay this premiered while I was asleep, but it was an amazing thing to wake up to. thank you for making such beautiful music

[@SuperCrazylulu]

this song has given me what i needed, it fits so well. i grew up a jehovahs witness and the trauma i carry is hard.i needed a song like this to belt and you have given me that. thank you.

[@Shannan845]

From someone who got kicked out of a church for bringing in too many “bad kids” (ya know the ones who needed it the most) thanks for this song.

[@remxian1146]

This song touched me the same way its touched thousands, and it will touch thousands more. How can a God so full of love only accept one kind... If it was God then he'll know why i left....

[@heofshane]

"praying depression away" 😭 hits hard because I'm not even that religious and I also did that

[@lifewithaud685]

I relate to this so hard. My grandpa has been a pastor for as long as I can remember, and i remember the day I realized i stopped believing. I was sitting on the pew and then BOOM i realized i didn’t believe, that was 4 years ago. I cried and prayed every night to make me believe but i just couldn’t. The songs meant nothing, the scriptures meant nothing, and the sermons meant nothing. Since I’m a minor i still live with my god bearing family and struggle everyday not to point out all of the flaws in the religion. I know this is a bit scattered but l just wanted to say that I’m so glad I found you and I finally feel seen❤️.

[@quinterjaika2107]

I share with your feelings. I thought that there was something wrong with me .

[@Amy-bx9op]

Thank you for sharing I am so much in a similar situation surrounded by a very religious family but I realised I just don't believe in any of it. I just find it impossible to believe there is a greater being out there or even if there is that they personally care about us. I think religion was formed to fill the fear of becoming nothing when we die and to give life a purpose and set of rules to follow. I have also realised I am bisexual and am so scared of ever having to tell my family. I don't know if I even should as I know they'll never change. I am so grateful to have found this and hear others are going through this with me xx

[@clickslefttoe]

My church called my mom all sorts of horrible things when I came out. My dad lost some friends from it. I got death threats from people at school too (religious ones). Every person I used to see at services preaching for them to show kindness and compassion were the same ones calling me a faggot at school and backstabbing me. This song is honestly so great and let's out a lot of trauma I've been neglecting to face ❤️

[@CantoErgoSum]

How horrible you were so abused! And on the basis of a god they can't even prove is real. I hope you have separated yourself from such antisocial lowlifes permanently. There is nothing wrong with you.

[@sarahmoorman6936]

Sounds like you had a bad experience at church but it doesn’t mean you shd give up on God or other churches. I know God is real and loves you very much so don’t be deceived by people like the comment above who try to discourage you about God. Blessings!

[@clickslefttoe]

@@sarahmoorman6936 hi, thank you for the kind words. My mom is still religious, and I'm more than happy for her. Honestly, people are more than happy to believe what they want as long as they don't directly try to insult me for their beliefs

[@patriciawiesner84]

My heart is with everyone who has been shamed by people using God's name in vain. 😔💔

[@stxllispirit7764]

Full body chillssss so relatable

[@nottinghambuttsticks107]

This is going to heal so, so many people. Including me. Thank you Maddie

[@hannahdoesntuseyt]

amen !

[@caitlinmich]

you never fail maddie. you always bring me to tears

[@SLDoughts]

When I first saw this video, I watched it on repeat and cried for a good half an hour. The part of me that was a 12 year old girl (I'm now a 29 year old man) needed this song so badly. Thank you.

[@rachaellindsey2887]

changing the world........I knew she would. keep it going maddie

[@AJediting2006]

Her voice always leaves me with goosebumps…You know she hit you deep when you break out in chills

[@erinnaccarato2255]

You have singlehandedly acknowledged that my religious trauma is not all in my head. Being gay was the hardest realization I ever had. I didn't come out til after high school. Thanks to catholic school

[@devonbrean4002]

I love this.!! I chose to go to church every Sunday because it was my escape from an abusive home. But, I never understood how Jesus could stop loving me if I chose to love someone of the same gender as me. I now know he wouldn’t but it doesn’t take that sentiment away!

[@CantoErgoSum]

What do you say to other Christians who say he would most certainly not love you if you chose to love someone of the same gender? Which of you is correct and how can you know?

[@cindyw1077]

@Devon ...But Jesus still loves you...He never stopped.

[@raebradley105]

Thank you! Just thank you. As a queer kid who grew up in the church, this means so much. I relate to this so much, I've never had a song do that before. THANK YOU!

[@TheBespectacledHobbit]

Your songs have helped me realize my trauma is based in religion, and why i still i have so much pain 🥺 this one has helped me see that my healing is truly coming from embracing my indigenous roots and the old ways

[@kireosityslife]

Your music just speaks to my inner child. It always makes me cry so hard 😢

[@theorchestrasystem3792]

We as a D.I.D. system have one head mate who's entire existence was formed by religious trauma. People are vulnerable when opening their souls to an experience that they might not understand. It is utterly horrifying that there always has to be the "one true" (fill in the blank, be it church, god, country, philosophy). There is always and always will be more than one way. But don't take our word on it. Find your own inner enlightenment deep inside the darkness of the soul if you have the courage to look inside.

[@christinanielson8985]

I just found this song today, and I'm obsessed. I'm an exmormon lesbian who grew up very devout, the symbolism in the video, the lyrics, they're all incredible and resonate with my experience.

[@jessievandenberg9047]

i don’t know the last time i’ve watched a whole music video twice back to back. as a christian who regularly “sins” this song means so much. i’ve never understood why churches preach so much about how horrible us humans are when most of what jesus talked about was love and forgiveness. i find it better to not attend churches anymore and just find God on my own by reading the bible and praying.

[@CantoErgoSum]

"sin" is a made up disease invented to sell you the bill of goods that is "salvation." let the church show itself to be telling the truth. you are not "a sinner," you are not unworthy, you are not even required to believe in any gods. there's nothing wrong with you, and you don't have to submit to the fear that keeps you in belief, since it's an empty fear.

[@jessievandenberg9047]

@@CantoErgoSum i don’t think you understand exactly what i believe. but that’s totally ok! i just don’t think we are on the same page

[@NoahDaDudeBroMan]

Yeah that makes sense, man.

[@CantoErgoSum]

@@jessievandenberg9047 That's what most religious people say when confronted with the sheer ridiculousness of what religion requires of you. It's always "you could never understand." When the reality is that YOU don't understand that religion is marketed to you on PURPOSE as a "personal relationship" to ensure the church never has to explain a thing to you, ensure you never have a coherent narrative about what you actually DO believe, you just know you have an emotional attachment to it. So yes. I do understand very well.

[@thetimetoriseisnow]

Thank you Maddie for creating such healing songs 😭 When people ask “what if god is real, how are you going to feel?” I always say this: “There’s 3 outcomes here. #1 god isn’t real and I’ll be fine. #2 god is real but he’s not all powerful. If god apologizes and shows me genuine love and understanding, I will accept god, and I’ll be fine. Last, #3, god is real, all knowing, all powerful, and everything religion claims him to be. And I will want NOTHING to do with him. And I’ll be fine. “

[@kellysysto6672]

Or #4, God is real, all powerful, and all loving, and the people have misreprented God by their own limited self. In this scenario, God loves all, and that means you

[@alipepper2335]

As someone who works in the mental health field, and has suffered from mental illness myself. I have never accepted individuals in certain traditions telling me if you just "pray about it", it will go away. Meanwhile mental illness and mental disorders are not from God, they are from the fall. God just gave us tools to help ourselves. I live to continue to explain and tell that to people. I know this wasn't entirely what the song was saying, but my heart aches for those who the church have turned down due to how they have decided they want to live their life. "What father picks a few just to leave the rest" is a line everyone should understand, there's not one choosen individual, we all have the right to be who we want to be and follow who we want to follow, the father will love them regardless and so should we.

[@suzie99thethird60]

I’m sitting in my car at my sons football practice bawling my eyes out. Such a beautiful voice. I literally have goosebumps. WOW!!!!

[@HisMamaxo]

Thank you for another amazing song that hits home!!! 😭😭😭🙏🏼💕