Mark Kermode reviews Noah

[@tigermunky]

Rock monsters who sound like Optimus Prime? I'm sold!

[@woodhd]

ive watched so much kermode recently, each clip feels now like having a beer after a movie with a pal

[@cymrogogogoch931]

"Anthony Hopkins being Welsh" Welcome to Anthony Hopkins, he's been doing nothing but Welsh for 30 years! Even Lecter went a bit Aberavon at times.

[@ChadPlainview_]

Noah, you slag, let us in your ark! Naaaaaaaa

[@Brickwindowss]

I quite enjoyed it. Hopefully Gilliam will do a Noah sequel where he gets crushed by a big foot from the clouds.

[@paulyousef7044]

instablaster

[@thefirm4606]

And now for something completely different

[@JD1010101110]

Is it me or would Ray Winstone's speech be that of the heroes in another film?

[@BenjWarrant]

Not many films have made me feel like I wasted every second I watched them. This was one of them.

[@rmccaw7]

I loved this movie. I didn't know what to expect, but it's bloody epic.

[@carsonpeterson758]

Dude the movie was garbage it’s an aronofsky movie where the arc is not terrific

[@b3108]

"The Ark is the size of IKEA". Nice one.

[@bennoclassico]

nice shout out to IKEA Southampton, Mark "rocky hands"

[@Derek_Smallshorts]

It looks hilarious.

[@bennoclassico]

I would've opted for Nic Cage myself but yeah it's getting a watch

[@Derek_Smallshorts]

"What's in the bag? An ARK or some-thang?"

[@comanchio1976]

velocirapta Agreed. If you do something as silly as this: you go full Nick Cage or you go home

[@juanandrade2998]

After watching it again, I realized the animals where in fact old depictions of animals as portrayed by art during the medieval ages.

[@JM-pm3ob]

Mayo is terrifying at 05:00

[@olleronn616]

I thought it did pretty well at being a visually dazzling experience coupled with an old story with some new ideas. I think it's perfectly servicable, if perhaps a tad too long.

[@thecomplexindividual]

Best review so far but then again it is kermode

[@echocheck]

"Entertainingly Bonkers" Great description. So many movies these days are the same. Harmless fun.

[@AnimeAjay]

Just got back from it. It was actually really damn good. Couple of slightly over the top moments but overall very intelligently put together. Made an effort to respect both atheist and christian views and was a very enjoyable fantasy flick as a result. Many moments that reminded me of the best parts of The Tree of Life too.

[@tomwatson9487]

"can I get on with this review or are you going to pursue the IKEA thing?"

[@dopplereffeckt675]

At least with Aronofsky, we have a director who appreciates cinema and its heritage, rather than pumping out the usual nonsense from the likes of 'visionary' directors like Zack Snyder, Bay et al. With each film we get something different, the wonderful Pi (his first) is a classic nod to Lynch, Black Swan is a homage Argento and giallo, The Fountain could easily be a lesser Kubrick and so on. To my mind this sounds to me like a Cecil B. DeMille or a Ray Harryhausen opus. And that's a good thing. Shame that people will laugh at it, but I guess this is the same audience that finds films like Movie 43, Pain and Gain, Grown Ups 2 and Jack and Jill so entertaining.........

[@Klaaarke]

Can't believe Winstone is in it. He's become the best way of compromising a story for an intelligent British audience. Him and Stephen Fry are absolutely bloody everywhere. I have to see Winstone's uber cockney face offering me betting odds every time I want to watch the soccer. I think Bill Hicks was a bit harsh with his 'no commercials' rant about musicians, but every word Winstone utters on screen is suspect "like a turd falling down my drink" and if he's shouting things which sound like "Man United are invincible" in a biblical epic film, it hardly helps. I guess they wrote the script before Moyes got the job then?

[@davescomics4824]

It might have helped if Kermode and audiences knew that Noah was based on a graphic novel by Darren Aronofsky and not The Bible or just a random throwing together of sci-fi/fantasy elements.

[@SebHindFilms]

It seems such a strange film for Aronofksy to direct - he's usually so good, directing gritty, psychological thrillers

[@52BLUE]

I quite enjoyed it. Seems to have a lot of haters but it's such a refreshing retelling of a literal ancient story.

[@Cyallaire]

I expect most of the US audience wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a Welsh accent and the rest of the accents on the British Isles.

[@verusnemeth6517]

Do not worry: Hungarian audience also not. :D Telling you the truth I personally also don't care. Specially because the probability is quite high that neither of the british accents were spoken by the real characters in question. So whining about this is completely pointless. Fussbox has been opened....

[@jonny5779]

There are parts of Noah that reminded me of Zardoz...anyone agree?

[@stefanfun]

The gun is good! The penis is EVIL!!!

[@OfficialAndies]

Just realised the aliens from Cocoon had a cameo in this film

[@spikeep6141]

It’s Bonkers, but it’s *GLORIOUSLY* Bonkers.

[@c.m.9369]

It's a SciFi/Fantasy movie, but instead of basing it on Tolkien's work or picking deities and plotelements from Greek or Egyptian mythology (as has been done for AGES), this one picks its influences from the Abrahamic mythology. And that's how you have to watch it. Oh, and for the rock monsters: YES, they work! Of course they do! The angels falling from sky and then get engulffed in mud which then turns in stone is a great scene!

[@DeepEye1994]

I really went into this film ready to tear it into pieces... But I found it to be surprisingly enjoyable and I loved how the universe of the movie was designed. I give it a 3/5 (2,5/5 would be correct, but it gets a 3 for having surprised me)

[@petertyson2]

I had very little interest in seeing this but, now I've seen this review, I'm intrigued to see a bonkers sci-fi biblical tale that has more in common with Star Wars and Lord of the Rings... Rock Monsters that talk like Optimus Prime, count me in.

[@apcreed]

It sounds well dull.

[@Botrytis18]

Actually it was sometimes ridicilous, but because of the whole reason that it is a biblical story, which was learnt through Sunday school's mentality, and then Aronofsky comes with a really provocative and realistic psycho thrillerish movie, and we totally feel alienated from the classic story. But this whole thing doesn't mean that it is a bad movie, not at all, it's a great movie, just different perspective. Honestly, a laught when Russel came with knife in his hand saying "if it's a girl, she dies" I mean that was out of the box in the first sight, but after you think on this movie more, it just seems pretty reasonable.

[@jonny5779]

What does simon say after they play the clip? Are they doing Ray Winstone? 4:40

[@ImNotGregGraffin]

Kermode pronounces "Bowie" oddly. I picked up on it in an earlier review, too. I can't remember which film it was, though.

[@benjaminanderson7804]

Not sure if all British people pronounce the 'Bow' like 'Cow' but I used to before I left the uk.

[@circleofrage]

'beard and hair systems' - ha, brilliant!

[@christhomas9221]

*noah, let me in your ark* i love mayo hahaha

[@dudeLaurence]

so does he like it or not? hard to tell. i liked it, actually ray winstones character is one of the highlights and i almost found myself on the side of man.

[@RyanPerrella]

Come for the beards and hair systems, stay for the rock monsters and glowing snakes

[@phantomfire8228]

0:40

[@bluebellsinthewoods]

Mark is knowledgeable and wise. I trust your judgement.

[@localmo88]

Perfect Review. I thought Russell Crowe was pretty awesome as Noah.

[@ChildOfTheWilderness]

I thought it felt really long, and although it was well acted much of it wasn't very interesting. The Watchers are interesting and seemed like something out of old school Harrihausen movies which fits it with stuff like The Ten Commandments. Other than that it's pretty dumb. They really don't even deal with the whole issue of how to re-populate the human race with like 6 related people.

[@hanshotfirst1138]

Why's Mark always ragging on Hopkins? Anyway, he's right, those rock creatures looked for all the world like something out of LOTR. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but the sequence where they defend the Ark as it's attacked by Winstone's mob looked like something straight out of a Peter Jackson movie.

[@Clonedtrooper]

I thought it was dreadful

[@nicholasdickens2801]

Just saw this tonight and had a rather 'chav-y' crowd who all piped down when the film started and seemed to enjoy it. It's a bit of an 'ernest' film, but I truly enjoyed it. Jennifer Connely is great as is the score. I was expecting it to be overblown but thankfully it wasn't.

[@666deadman1988]

Lol I call him 'Darrenofsky'.

[@Vebinz]

Whioe I respect Russel Crowe's willingness to be religious in an otherwise anti-religious professional community, it seems here that he didn't have the courage of Mel Gibson to do a straight-forward religious film (if thatw as even possible here), but wanted to make in action-ey and the like.

[@DihStyle69]

russel crowe is the actor of this movie, not the director..

[@Vebinz]

DihStyle69 You're right. i was under the impression that somehow Crowe was behind the making of the film (even if not directing it), but I guess it was just an acting job nothing more.

[@DihStyle69]

Vebinz yeah but i do agree with you that this movie wasn't focused, it wanted to be something else and kinda fell flat in spots.

[@sneakpeeker]

I disagree with Kermode's opinion for the first time. I thought he would be more open to a different vision

[@lesmoor001]

watching it now its ok

[@DjangoPorter]

I really enjoyed Noah andni went in there thinking. How I was going to hate it because I'm bored. With bible stories at this point but. I. Loved it

[@holmbjerg]

I have to see it. It sounds like fun.

[@bennoclassico]

by the way Mark, did you see The Fountain? because this review sounds like it's from somebody who can't remember The Fountain...or any other Aronofsky film (save The Wrestler)

[@leedsfanzines5497]

I give it NOAH bags of popcorn out of five.

[@ZER0--]

When does the sequel come out ?

[@giash1]

This was the prequel to Titanic.

[@thomasharvey5624]

Sometimes I really wish Simon would shut up and let Mark get on with the review. I know it's their shtick, but every now and then he goes off topic right when it's getting interesting

[@52BLUE]

Are you kidding me? That IKEA bit and his impressions were hilarious.

[@bigbadtelf]

Seen this when some nice guy dropped a copy off at the local community centre one day...

[@lucasevamy]

Ray Winstone supports Chelsea.

[@Sighphi]

So if this was science-fiction........ what part had science in it? Cause if it's science-fiction it MUST have some science. Specially after the video that was put up here discussing whether Gravity was science-fiction or not because of the subject.

[@HeliosphanXtal]

The science in it is that wood floats on water and..erm...well thats about it.

[@98smithg]

Despite its name, science fiction does not have to include advanced technology it can cover a range of themes such as alternate timelines or post-apocalyptic situations such as the classic 'The Man in the High Castle'. I would not classify this film as fantasy because it is ultimately grounded in reality and as Kermode said it is not really historic because so much is based on myth and it doesn't even stay true to those..

[@portaccio]

98smithg it's fantasy not science fiction .

[@nifralo2752]

It dosent have to The Princess Bride is technically science fiction.

[@sonnymasson1]

He talks because somebody gave him permission to do so. Why? Permission should be restricted. An engagement between mind and mouth should be graded. Grading should start at the bottom with Mark Kemode and Claudia Winkleman against everyone.

[@scifisyko]

Why can’t he pronounce Bowie?

[@BrotherJosephus]

Glad to have listened to this after seeing the film so I could go in not knowing what all of the 'extra-Biblical' stuff would be.

[@Grifftinderpals]

Saw this on telly last night. Looked awful so I never was bothered to go to see it. What made me chuckle was, with everything being as Mark correctly says as 'bonkers'... Noah who seems to accept most of his situation in his stride, occasionally comes out with 'How is that possible!?'

[@Yorosero]

I thought the movie was quite a good bit of fun and eye-candy Emma Watson was a good bonus.

[@bobturner7112]

MMXIII Yeah, its 2014.

[@madkunt213]

worth a watch but wont be watchin it again 6/10

[@danjtitchener]

Noah feels likely a very strange, partly successful wannabe-cult film that is so large, noisy and expensive that we're forced to consider it as an epic film. It starts by introducing an admirably quirky vision of a world crippled by sin and asks a lot of interesting questions about the nature of humanity, in its first half. However, the key scene where the movie falls down is the quick death of the girl that the "Emo son" befriends and instead allowing the evil leader of the rest of humanity to hide away in the ark. It could have been an interesting way to further explore the issues raised, but instead we are given a caricature of evil. The idea of Noah being blinded by faith and driven mad by the task he thinks he has been given is effectively portrayed. Also, the scene with the people desperately clinging to the rocks is absolutely unforgettable. It lingers too long on a series of particularly dark scenes depicting Noah possibly about to destroy humanity forever, because I think the idea of Noah becoming mad has been well established by that point and it reduces the film to a family drama. It has a great score, if a little 'on-the-nose' at times, and the animals arriving two-by-two are magical. I would certainly give it 3/5, its definitely worth seeing.

[@soundslave]

I'm an atheist. I may go and watch this for a laugh.

[@relinquis]

why would being an atheist preclude you from watching it as a drama, rather than just "for a laugh". Atheists can appreciate fiction too...

[@soundslave]

relinquis It's the fact that a large number of people won't consider it fiction that scares me :D

[@djh29971]

The film is like going to church. Vague is not the word! It's not terrible, but it the sort of movie you make for the sake of it. Crowe is Crowe and Winston is Winston, they've already acted this in their sleep. $125M for this?

[@ConsciousConnor]

the size of ikea.lol

[@tatumtate]

noah ..captain jack Aubrey in a bigger boat...

[@slimithy12]

I had zero interest in watching this film prior to this review. Kermode makes it sound very interesting indeed.

[@nicholasnicou2598]

A Biblical movie based on the idea that the Nephilim 'Fallen Angels' somehow help Noah save what's left of humanity and animal-kind. What a stupid concept. The reason they fell is because they went against God and followed the 'Light Bearer' who wouldn't accept mankind. So why would they help a human?

[@heatrayzvideo3007]

Everything but Russell Crowe sounds good.

[@relinquis]

[Spoilers] i love it that the turned Noah into a radical vegan environmentalist and showed the absurdity of his hate for the rest of humanity, his misanthropy... it's a film that pits ideology against morality and explores the drama in those choices. Choices have real consequence. it's an importantly adult film in this regard. critics ignore these themes and focus instead on the tabloid controversy of biblical accuracy, or the infantile nerd culture musings over the CGI effects and non-human characters.

[@52BLUE]

Underrated comment.

[@clarewillison9379]

Man United are invincible. We take the Arsenal!!!

[@fantasiazplatkami]

didnt like the film, converted Noah into some villain as far as i remember

[@MarcusMIDI]

Ridiculous film but I bloody LOVE IT!!!! 😂😀💪👍👌

[@bodacioused1988]

Just thought this film majorly dragged was horrendously boring, the first time in quite a long time I looked at my watch hoping the film would be nearly over. Oh and don't get started on how terrible Emma Watson was, at least Ray Winstone was the only saving grace for this film.

[@johndane7570]

Funniest movie of the year

[@DwainDwight]

I enjoyed this film greatly. Very entertaining.

[@garywintle8023]

SUPERBOAT!!

[@JoeNumberwang]

I'm really getting tired of the words "silly" and "bonkers" being used as criticism. I just don't know what purpose those words serve. Just seems to be saying "Story has this tone and I don't like this tone" I just don't get it. To me it also seems to try to shame people from seriously liking stuff if it is seen as being "silly" or "bonkers"

[@esinach]

I never use bonkers in a negative way, and I'm unsure Mark is using it in a negative way here too.

[@Frellyouall]

The gospel according to Tolkien. Hated this film.

[@tubemoog]

At least it wasn’t rubbish

[@thenewpav543]

Fantasy, not science fiction, geez...

[@scottythedawg]

I think it deserves it's own genre.... Biblically Adapted Drama...or BAD for short.

[@soviet9366]

The morality of the story is pretty nasty. 'The Creator' here may be powerful, but thats not the same thing as being 'good'. Bronze age morality is not a great guide for 21st century life

[@davidhuk3170]

Mark worries too much about accents.

[@Dirkschneider]

I was surprised to learn that Aronovsky made this turd of a movie.

[@Luvie1980]

ZZZZZzzzz, not Marks review but this movie looks dull and like a religious version of 300.

[@paulhiggins105]

This is the worst film i have ever seen, you can't even be amused by how bad it is

[@glynndraper437]

Thank christ I'm not a film critic , I don't have to watch crap like this all the way through. 45 seconds, off.

[@boxingmonkey2450]

I got up and left the cinema 20 minutes into this film . . . The last time I did that was Young Einstein . . . It is absolute Rubbish

[@15heartz]

Accurate to the bible 00.01% the one is just the name Noah, that is accurate nothing else.

[@DavidRFIT]

This movie is one of the worst of the last 5 years. Embarassing.

[@nipitatum]

He makes this sound so crazy and utterly captivating but this is one of the few films I couldn't get more than twenty minutes into, so boring and daft.

[@sergioplayerboy]

worst movie ever

[@Chrisbernstein]

Totally ridiculous. Laughably bad and I'm finding it hard to think of more than 1 decent Russel Crowe film

[@caslad2861]

American Gangster ?

[@film79]

LA Conventional?

[@frogambassador]

The Nice Guys? Gladiator?

[@Oceanmachine27]

A Beautiful Mind? Master and Commander?

[@fluff975]

I hated it.

[@52BLUE]

That's fair. Can I ask why?

[@fluff975]

@@52BLUE lmao word only took u 6 years 😂 (all love 🙏 ). i remember thinking it was just rly overwrought

[@dumpwoodhere]

This review is being really nice to the steaming pile of rockturd that is Noah. It's the worst film I have ever payed good money to see. Terrible on every level. But it gets worse. The next film I saw in the pictures was Godzilla. Kermode is being a sicofant to this travesty. I never trusted him fully after this review. Obviously in the back pocket of Hollywood.

[@UnchainedDreamer-ft9bk]

I don't understand what's so funny about Ray Winston's accent... None of them would sound middle-class either, they didn't even talk the same language anyway. AND it's myth in my opinion. So why the laugh about it? Smells like self righteous classism accepted by a culture of pseudo-liberal hypocrites to me...