Married to a Mostly Great Man

[@Star-dj1kw]

Here’s an important thing to do if you’re in a marriage where you’re not sure if you’re being abused: start journaling. When you write down exactly what happened in a specific episode, you will be able to process what happened. Many times after my H shreds me verbally, I am left either emotionally debilitated or wanting to escape in a panic. If I don’t write about the details of what happened soon, my mind won’t remember bc I became so anxious. The part of the brain, the Hippocampus, records memories can go offline during trauma. Also, if your H is charming for weeks at a time, you can convince yourself his terrible behavior wasn’t really that bad. If you have a journal or voice memos on your phone of him raging, that’s a wake up call 😢. Online journals can be private so he won’t find them. Hugs to everyone in this community.

[@darralansman9895]

Journaling since we married has been reliable data for me for 8 yrs. It allows me to see the truth that I might excuse if I forget what really happened and how it made me feel. Now, when I start questioning my decision to leave, I have the facts to remind me; 8 yrs of data don't lie. In the 4 mo. I've been gone, it's easy to see how he's adapted his behavior; his tactics have become more covert. Leslie's reminder that the HS will prompt him, does he heed the prompting? That's a very important way to discern character.

[@gobigandgohomeschool4882]

I needed this. My husband is a wonderful guy most of the time. But when he is mean, he is really really mean. It had been escalating and I'm done tolerating it.

[@tammyhoward777]

Great advice.! Your calmness & use of scripture brings such peace & truth to my heart.

[@brenda.p.144]

What an incredible podcast!! 🙏 Thank you!!

[@Star-dj1kw]

It’s hard to remember a single first abusive episode when you marry as a naive, inexperienced girl. My H has never been physically abusive. In the beginning years, he didn’t use profanity. The abuse began when I got pregnant, 4 years into the marriage. One of the worst abusive episodes ever was during my first pregnancy. My H was a huge asshole during the delivery of my son. During a contraction, I told him to Shut up! He had the audacity to make me apologize to him WHILE I WAS IN LABOR! I wish the midwife had kicked him out.

[@KeriEllington-y8e]

This is the video I needed to see right now. After numerous chances to stop the emotional abuse I have told him if it happens again, I’m done. I don’t want to set him up for failure but I can’t continue to go through these cycles with him. He has been in therapy and we’ve been separated for 4 months but the behavior has continued. I’ve seen some progress but then also not. It started shortly after we got married, with many episodes over 4 years, and it had continued until just a week ago. Now at the last hour when I said “no more” he swears he won’t do it again. I just don’t think he can control himself. I can’t decide if that 80% good guy is really what I think it is, but I guess I will find out very soon. I don’t deserve to called names, or lied to, manipulated or controlled and threatened. I understand this and I am very sad that I don’t think he can stop. Leslie, one thing I would like you to speak on is something that has confused me for so long about him. From the very beginning of our marriage, he has struggled with jealousy issues and I understand it stems from his insecurities, but these issues seem to be a bit delusional because there is not anyone for him to be jealous of. He has always been paranoid about me cheating or talking to other guys even though that has never happened. He uses location to track me, has gone through my phone countless times and questions me about the most ridiculous things. I’ve heard that people who are lying and cheating will project that onto their partners and accuse them of doing all the things they are actually doing. Do you think that is true? He has truly tormented me over the last 4 years with that paranoia and questioning me and these episodes where he has been emotionally abusive to me have often occurred because of his paranoia regarding cheating. Can you please speak on that for those of us that endure this kind of torment?

[@jaykay3839]

What if he's very sneaky? Mine is the class clown. He gets under my skin and then whispers to the kids about me. He did it again yesterday. This 55 year old man teases our foster cat. We live in a wider area so I don't like her to go outside alone. I just had a tooth pulled and was feeling bad and in pain so I asked him to take her outside. He did and she ran away from him. I don't know of she actually did or not. He's very bad about teasing animals and he lies about everything. He scolded her and told her he was not taking her out again. Anyway, there was another, possibly feral cat outside the window. I was upstairs and didn't know what was going on. I could hear him trying to coax her to come outside and thought that was strang considering the morning's chase and upset from him. I came down to see what was happening and he only told me there was a cat outside. I asked why he was trying to get our foster kitty to go out there and potentially fight with the other cat and he just said, I don't know. Like a little kid. I got irritated and asked why he would do that to her. He answered back but not to my question. I told him he was a pot stirrer and said he shouldn't do that to the cat. So he started whispering things and elbowing our 19 year old "mildly" autistic son. Our son was laughing and looking at me. I called my husband out for gaslighting. The things my husband does are so sneaky. How do I deal with that? Especially when the reactivate abuse starts?

[@SheriH-tf9gv]

Do you ever wonder what else he lies about? Lots of red flags

[@goldenrulebanner2896]

Excellent, thank you!