Mecca Nandi | Polygyny, Jealousy & Secret Marriages | BB #90

In this much anticipated episode of the Blood Brothers Podcast, Dilly Hussain speaks with the polygynous ‘Co-Wife Coach’, Mecca Nandi. #BloodBrothersPodcast #Polygyny #Polygamy
Topics of conversation include:
- Mecca’s background and how she entered a polygynous marriage.
- The ups and downs, jealousy, compromises, time and relationship management of a polygynous marriage.
- Coaching co-wives. What are the most common issues, grievances, and experiences.
- Misyar marriage, secret marriages, and the ‘No Strings Nikah’ app.
- What is the ideal 'Muslim man' for a polygynous marriage?
- Advice to Muslims who are considering and/or currently in polygynous marriages.
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[@5Pillars]

As salaamu alaykum brothers, sisters, friends and foes. Please like, share and comment on this video, as well as subscribing to the 5Pillars KZbin channel! Jazakallah khayran.

[@angelamoore28]

I’m not Muslim. But my sister wives move as one. We really love each other. You can manage the jealousy and other emotions.

[@ericpowell4350]

Keep teaching sister.

[@civildiscourse7626]

Polygyny exists and is halal and is actual noble. If you don’t want it that’s fine but it’s important to see good examples to help those in polygyny, well done sister.

[@meccathecowifecoach]

Masha’Allah wal Humdulillah. Thank you.

[@angelamoore28]

Love it. My sister wives rock. My King does as well.

[@muslimahk8026]

Polygamy is not for everyone!!!!I went through a polygamous marriage, I am still not recovered from that trauma. My husband did it to get back at me because we had some marital issues and I wanted to opt out. We never divorced but he was upset that I wanted out. When I did not get my divorce I decided to stay, he then married a younger woman for revenge. He went to the extent of using the language to make me break. I was almost in the brink of breaking down and it has really affected my health. I am not the same person after that incident. Mecca's situation is quite different from what many sisters experience because her husband opened the discussion of polygamy from the beginning of their marriage, and she learned from his family how well it worked, she was ready for it. Most sisters who are against it because the marriage is in trouble, and the man is not man enough to fight for his marriage and thinks the grass is greener on the other side, or it comes up as in surprise after the woman has settled in her marriage for so many years, the children are grown and she is looking forward to spending time with her husband, it is a shock! The sad thing since polygamy is not for everyone many women ask for divorce which causes a family breakdown. I know a woman whose husband married a 2nd wife, she went into deep depression for many years and passed away. There are strict rules for polygamy but most men do not follow it. A human being cannot be just to all women, the Prophet SAW was special, and no man can be as just as the Prophet SAW was.

[@hidayapress2020]

I’m sorry to hear that was your experience. A mans leadership is super important whether in monogamy or in polygyny. Polygyny is not for everyone but it is for everyone to be educated on. Taking another wife out of spite is not okay. More conversations need to be had and resources and education need to be spread in our communities to ensure the wellbeing and success of our people and marriages.

[@axxiii8337]

I'm sorry for your circumstance, i hope you can recover from it sooner than later. But from the looks of it you did not have a polygamy problem, you had a marriage problem and (mind i say) a cowardly husband. Wish you all the best.

[@axxiii8337]

yes the Prophet PBUH was perfect and the best of examples, hence he's there to follow him in monogamous and polygamous marriages

[@sameenshahid7457]

Polygamy is a nightmarish situation for many women and that's a basic truth most Muslim men are too selfish to understand.

[@aahavoc]

Great interview, jazak Allah khairan for organising it.

[@peacenow6618]

May Allah Accept your works, and make it a means of acceptance and Guidance for the Ummah!

[@meccathecowifecoach]

Allahumma Ameen!!

[@dreambelieveachieve22]

Such a great informative video! Thanks so much for hosting this Dilly. Would love to see more content/collaborations on this topic.

[@raheemmajid8559]

Alhamdulilah polygyny is a sunnah. I believe it is something that should be encouraged. Family units would be much stronger than they are now.

[@sisterfleur7523]

Yes sister. Men of today encouraging something that is simply mubah, not even encouraged lol. Most of them can't even make 1 woman happy (or pray their 5 daily salah). Not talking about the original poster, just in general

[@meccathecowifecoach]

Have you ever thought why the men you see, know or hear about not being able to barely treat one woman right let alone 2+? The lack of education in our communities and home on The Who’s, what’s, when’s, why’s and the how’s of quality communication, active/observational listening, connective relationships within a marriage.

[@civildiscourse7626]

@Maryam it’s not the wife’s responsibility but if she’s deliberately making it difficult that’s bad. If a man deliberately does things to make his wife’s difficulty that’s bad too. Most man can barely treat one woman right? Then it doesn’t apply to those who can- if a man can it can be encouraged, some people can barely raise one child yet she might want multiple kids regardless- it is what it is. Women who talk down on polygyny are similar to men who talk down on marrying divorcee women.

[@civildiscourse7626]

@Maryam true, but maximum effort should always be made, divorce is permissible but not a good thing

[@meccathecowifecoach]

@Maryam it is the wife’s responsibility to strive to be the best servant unto Allah. I never mentioned being responsible for polygyny. She does have to be mindful of that which Allah is placing upon her path. There are lessons in the hardships and challenges of life let alone polygyny. If it come to divorce after both parties doing their best to make it work but it’s just not working - it’s understandable.

[@sonicryu2769]

Br dilly great convo but I think you should cut it short more and let the sister speak. Sister was speaking golden words

[@meccathecowifecoach]

Al Humdulillah for the words that were share by both Br Dilly as well as myself. My the words you received be of benefit. Ameen 😊

[@meccathecowifecoach]

@@muaads_poetry Great question! I briefly brushed over a few on my channel and more coming very soon.

[@meccathecowifecoach]

@@muaads_poetry Masha’Allah wal Humdulillah, you’re welcome. To answer your question; yes, there are some woman who are opened and wanting polygyny.

[@Snailryder]

Re: secret polygyny, if you are man enough to marry multiple wives, man up and face the music when it happens. In some madhahib, openly announcing marriage is an intrinsic part of the nikah, without which it is invalid. This should show you the importance of openly announcing marriages. It is the halal act of nikah, not some dirty secret to hide.

[@ibnshariff6795]

A brother should "face the music" for the second and subsequent marriage as much as he faces for the first marriage. If he "face(s) the music" just for subsequent marriages the question perhaps should focus on what aspects of society are enabling such a misandrist (Islamically) attitude.

[@Snailryder]

@@ibnshariff6795 for the first marriage there is no 'music' to face in the sense I am talking (i.e. community looking down on you or family disapproving, etc.), thus there would be no reason to keep it hidden or secret

[@abdelhakyac7285]

A secret marriage is not marriage..... it is unislamic.... even if all the ignorants pseudo scholars with broken chain of isnad and no madhab are en encouraging it...... there is no act that implies hypocrisy, LYING and is in the same time encouraged by islam....... you either declare your marriage to all the nearest ones, and you wife being the closest...... or you live a life of hypocfisy and systematic lying and treachery and youll end up in hell for that reason

[@FF-le3ps]

*21:17 slight correction. Most western muslim land is Senegal, most eastern is just like you said Indonesia, most north is Tatarstan (which is unfortunately occupied by Russia) and as South as the northern part of mozambique

[@sisterfleur7523]

Senegal my country

[@peacenow6618]

جزاک اللہ خیرا

[@hodanabdulkadir9019]

Thank you dilly like a always I love your podcast nothing like it and today you asked question that a man who wants to to have more wife I thought he has to be strong in mind taught passive kind of alpha man that’s what I thought but the sister said no he’s has to be honest which I surprised that answer any way amazing conversations keep up the good work

[@meccathecowifecoach]

A man should a mindful and strong leader of his family. Keep in mind honesty is a form of strength

[@hodanabdulkadir9019]

Sister as a woman honestly is a good thing but I would like if my husband has multiple wives me to be his favorite to get as much his money attention and love as a wife in that situation honestly is not enough I want him all give me what I want then I will happy

[@sssppp1773]

Some women enter into misyar marriages out of desperation and loneliness. Women may temporarily waive certain rights in the hope that men will treat them with fairness and equity when love and intimacy grows. Some revert sisters over 30 in the UK are pressured into misyar marriages. They end up isolated, ostracized from female friends who tried to discourage them from entering such marriages, and without family support either to turn to. This is an abominable practice that contradicts Hadith and statements from Umar Al-Khattab RA and other companions prohibiting secret marriages.

[@mehmet20003]

In what way does misyar need to be secretiv correct me if I am wrong but isnt it just people giving up their rights to make it only physical?

[@hydragons]

@@mehmet20003 Yes, it doesn't have to be a secret. No marriage should be a secret since you need witnesses, and people will find out. It just makes the man look bad. Better for the man to announce on his terms, or it will be on the society's terms. Misyar marriage is one in which the woman comes in as the 2nd,3rd, or 4th wife and gives up some of her rights to equal treatment, such as accommodation, maintenance, or the husband staying overnight with her. So it is not only physical. Some have maintenance that is equal but less physical. So Misyar is about giving up or reducing some of the rights. Sometimes it might be needed because a lady is the only child and takes care of elderly or disabled parents, in turn, spends less time with her husband. Some ladies are disabled and must be taken care of while their husband is away so she opt out to stay with her family. But these "no strings attached" are tricky, I don't like them. I hope it will be a stepping stone for people to do better and use it to keep each other in the halal and raise the kids in the case of the single mothers on the deen. For me, marriage is more about the establishment of strong families and a strong next generation than anything else. Thus polygyny is better than single-mother households as long as everyone is on the Deen and fears Allah and knows they will be judged for everything on the day of judgement. May Allah keep and guide us all on the straight path.

[@mehmet20003]

@@hydragons i mean yea there are opinions on a no string nikkah and how bad the consequnences could be but a marriage being a secret to the other wife for a example isnt clear cut tbh. You can still have witnesses amd a wife your first one doesnt know about.

[@MisterTtheVoice]

I had misread the title as cow wife coach. Sorry! I think she would benefit from a "-" in there to separate the co and wife.

[@meccathecowifecoach]

Thanks for that. There’s a • or - used in my name outside of my @ ‘s on social media and KZbin. Thank you for the suggestion and InshaAllah the interview was beneficial to you.

[@khushbuislam6941]

I am appalled at her courage, such is the scenario the society has created around polygyny.

[@meccathecowifecoach]

May Allah bless you and your family with nothing but the best in this life and better in the hereafter Ameen

[@ausmuslimproject]

It's only Dilly that can ask these questions without copping it back lol

[@aliriaz3654]

Solution to several women’s issue such as single mother hood, not being able find a man, honor and respect.

[@meccathecowifecoach]

Definitely one way to look at it

[@sameenshahid7457]

Better to educate her and help her get married to a single man instead of making her a part of a harem.

[@CH-eg5rd]

Non Muslim here. I'm just curious are there any national organization in the US that promote Islam or advocate for American Muslims? I'd be curious to know if there position on Polygyny. I know the Mormon faith has a "headquarters" in Utah and they reversed their official opinion on the subject several years ago

[@osmansaid4601]

There is no organization anywhere which decides what is correct or wrong. There is the quran and sunnah. In the case of marriage you don't need any organization or clergy to approve your marriage. The only requirement is the father of daughter and two witness

[@ericpowell4350]

The Holy Quran and Sunnah both support polygyny. Even the current iterations of the Protestant Christian Bible supports it. 😂

[@mohpat9989]

Mashallah

[@abz1234561]

I might have to do istekhara before sending this to my wife lol

[@meccathecowifecoach]

Tell her she can give me holler (to reach out to me to chat) InshaAllah

[@abz1234561]

@@meccathecowifecoach InshaAllah

[@Marwadear512]

How’d it go

[@androidguru8251]

​@@Marwadear512 I hope you are not @abz1234561's wife... 😂

[@HamdushMohamed1]

Brother do your shahada too😂

[@_f_]

Allah humma bariq

[@meccathecowifecoach]

Ameen!

[@BI99373]

Good topics but disappointed that the sister didn't get to speak so much and expand. She spent a lot of time listening Very different interview to Mahdi The brother, may Allah preserve him, went on long rants.

[@_f_]

9:42 Dilly´s face

[@AM-bm9rs]

If a husband is commiting zina or watching p0rn polgyny will not fix anything, he should be able to control his own nafs without the help of a wife, Isaa AS yahyaa AS yusuf AS Maryam AS all had to control their desire for an extended amount of time, 3 of them being celibate for their entire life, noone can use the fact he isn't married as an excuse for them commiting haram

[@sisterfleur7523]

This is pure logic, basic common sense. We live in crazy times, a lot of people use this as an excuse. Controlling our nafs is sooooooo important

[@meccathecowifecoach]

Polygyny is definitely not a “fixer”. Going into polygyny with unresolved issues will only bleed into that new marriage.

[@meccathecowifecoach]

@@sisterfleur7523 yes, controlling yourself is soooooo important. We are human and flaws and faults are continuously surrounding us. We all (should) know what the bigger picture is as we live our lives. We are responsible for our actions and reactions and will have to answer for them - regardless of Polygyny, Monogamy, being Single, etc. May you be blessed with the best in this life and even better in the hereafter Ameen

[@sisterfleur7523]

@@meccathecowifecoach You too sister. May Allah reward you, make you strong and preserve you, ameen ❤

[@cooljool1]

porn is a cope and tells me something is wrong with the marriage

[@alberxenos]

Assalamu’alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ

[@hosseinturner3792]

Polygamy was not done in order to satisfy base desires. İt was done during a time when widows lacked access to social security or were unprotected, it was done to cement political alliances, etc. The prophet (SAW) never married another woman while Khadija was alive. Afterwards he did so for the above reasons as well as because of Divine Command.

[@mehmet20003]

Where did Allah make this condition? This is nowhere to be found. If you wanna have 4 wives just bc of your desires it is halal and there is nothing wrong with it

[@hosseinturner3792]

@@mehmet20003 because of your base desires only? That sort of marriage will fail. Marriage is not based on lust.

[@mehmet20003]

@@hosseinturner3792 doesnt have to fail thats a false preconcieved notion that marriage based on lust must fail. Also yes marriage is based on lust as well if we didnt lust over the opposite gender we woudnt even think about marrying anyone it is an essential part of marriage.

[@hosseinturner3792]

@@mehmet20003 i am a father of two kids and married. Yes, intimacy is important but I would never make it the main reason for marrying. I would never marry another wife just to satisfy that lower desire. The core of marriage is compassionate and respect as well as creating a family life that is God conscious.

[@mehmet20003]

@@hosseinturner3792 thats part of marriage lust is a huge part as well. If you have strong desires it can even be obligatory for you to marry.

[@ummaire8643]

Assalamualaikum any divorcee or revert sister looking for marriage

[@RayOfHope8]

❤️❤️❤️❤️🌹🌹🌹

[@e.k874]

gatta have another vid of someone whos had a negative story too

[@CH-eg5rd]

Good idea. Maybe they'll do a panel of women with negative experiences and those with positive ones.

[@e.k874]

@@CH-eg5rd would be a better idea ... because some channels only show negative some only show positive

[@CH-eg5rd]

@@e.k874 Right. I also think it will help curb the taboo surrounding the topic. Because honestly there are probably more women who would benefit from a plural arrangement than people want to admit but due to its clandestine nature (at least in the US) they typically don't get to learn about the lifestyle pros/cons/net neutrals. To get marriage should be an individuals choice (monogamy or polygamy) and neither arrangement will be without it's fair share of challenges. However, polygyny as an alternative should probably be viewed as a net benefit to women as a whole. Most of the negative experiences you see/hear on social media usually involve one or more of the following: underage persons, illegal/abuse of government programs, incest or non-consenting initial wives. I'd never advocate for that. It should always be among unrelated, consenting adults. In a world where polygamy is viewed as an equally valid, morally correct alternative to monogamy men and women would openly talk about it. No need to operate in secrecy or feel that you're being deceived. I do agree with the guest that men should refrain from telling their potential first wives they would never want polygyny if there is even the slightest chance they could change their mind. Just like how some men will tell their potential first wife they never would want kids then fast forward the women is being pressured to get pregnant after marriage and she basically has to drop her career/educational pursuits to fulfill their husband's request or face possible marital problems/divorce. Women have been doing this already and it hasn't resulted in the end of the world but we can't ignore how some women grow to resent their husbands when that is the case. And if the marriage fails the women is left in a worse state then if she finished her college degree or kept her job at the bank instead of dropping to fulfill her "womanly duties" for a guy she will probably divorce before the kids graduate highschool. It's the same thing as when a man says he's happy not having additional kids and the wife celebrates only to have the husband come back and say they changed their mind and now want 2,3,4 more kids. Polygyny would solve all of this. There are women who don't want kids but want to be wives, and it's unfortunate to see women feeling torn over the decision when they could easily become a subsequent wife of a man that would be prepared to love/support them as any monogamous man would. That's why I say women would win in a pro-polygyny world because they would be able to choice the best mate for them whether he was single or already married.

[@civildiscourse7626]

@@e.k874 I don’t think they need to simply because there appears to be a narrative that polygyny isn’t good or ends badly already, this is just showing the opposite

[@durdurdikir4021]

#PLOYGYNY Should Be Something Beautiful and Blossoming...Those Narrowed Minded Ladies...Must Committed To ALLAH Almighty and His Solutions For Us...Stop Fantasising Your little Ego and Become a Real Strong Woman❤🤲🏽

[@hodanabdulkadir9019]

I forgot to mention the no strings attached marriage how that be a possible the man in your life like husband you get have respect and emotional connection that includes with caring and providing even if you work and not needing his money he has to contribute something to the marriage that make me as women to have respect and it allowed me to have intercourse but man with nothing sorry I cannot have relationship with him he has to earn my friend there’s nothing strings attached man it doesn’t work like that I’m not a marry but that’s how universe works

[@akplayer007]

You mean Muta' with extra steps

[@Marwadear512]

Just listening to this makes me feel depressed.

[@meccathecowifecoach]

Sorry you feel that way. May Allah grant you more days filled with peace and tranquillity and surrounded by a family & community that shows you love and care in the best of ways Ameen.

[@DiaryofaNomad]

Just make dua. Polygamy is the only was forward

[@Marwadear512]

@@DiaryofaNomad Why?

[@aqe7914]

@@Marwadear512 Well polygamy isnt a perscription but its a Rughsa (permission). If supply demand ratio is healthy there is no need for polygamy. However after a war like right now in Ukraine, men get killed and you have 1 men to 7-8 women ratio, at that point there is a legitimate way to repopulate demographic crisis in a sanctioned manner.

[@_f_]

😄

[@youmnaification]

Allah made Polygyny permissible and NOT HALAL. The concept of polygyny is taken out of the context where Allah mentioned it in the surat Al-Nissa. Polygyny was permitted in the context if one can't be just between the orphans he is about adopt and his own kids, then he is allowed to marry up to 4 mothers of the orphans.

[@mehmet20003]

Something being permissible is halal. Also this condition that it needs to be 4 mothers of the orphans where did you get this. In 1400 years where is this opinion?

[@youmnaification]

@@mehmet20003 what is the relationship between the orphans and marrying up to women in the same aya.

[@ryojs4286]

Forget co wife, men need an actual muslim female that wants them and not the feminist "career" women or the women that have impossible standards Gg the men are done for

[@jai6918]

All you British Muslims wanting to talk about "Hinduvta Extremism," why don't you discuss Islamic Terrorism eminenting from Pakistan, an Islamic Republic that's been sanctioned multiple times by the FINANCIAL ACTION TASK FORCE (FATF) for sponsoring terrorism and money laundering offences?

[@shadowwalker3958]

Do you know who created and funds ISIS? Instead of being a puppet of Hindutva Saffron government use your brain to study and investigate.

[@jai6918]

@Shadow walker Another madrasa reject refusing to accept the truth! You people and your blatant fondness for conspiracy theories, especially when questioned on your double standards. I guess lying is part and parcel of Jihad. No wonder the British public is weary of your problematic ilk.

[@shadowwalker3958]

Sigh! I'm the fool who tried to reason with a hindutva terrorist.

[@jai6918]

@Shadow walker I forget how useless a Madrasa education was! Cognitive thinking is a lost concept amongst your misinformed ilk. You Grooming Gang members and Jaish-e-Mohammed terrorists are denser than a cement bloc. I'd get more comprehension from a donkey!

[@abz1234561]

I wanted to ask sister about how legal part of it work in US as i heard Polygyny is not legal in US @meccathecowifecoach

[@meccathecowifecoach]

This a great question that I will address specifically in a virtual event coming up very soon InshaAllah

[@abz1234561]

@@meccathecowifecoach where can I sign up for it

[@dariusdreams8480]

I agree with most things this sister has said. But if I was to do polygamy. I’ve already told my wife that if any issues you coming to me first & me only. And we navigate it together. I don’t want my second wife to have any relationship with my current wife at all. I think women together just create drama. Each to their own. I don’t want my wife involved in any vetting process no way. My second wife will ideally be a completely different person to my first one. My choice & my choice alone. The relationships in my eyes need to be 10000% separate

[@Marwadear512]

On the one hand I agree. On the other hand, with this way all your first wife gets out of it is loss, with no gain.

[@sameenshahid7457]

Why the hell would your wife want to be in a relationship like that? Is she that desperate 😂

[@dariusdreams8480]

@@sameenshahid7457 that’s your own insecurities showing. No not desperate at all. She had many suitors, and so did my second wife. Women like you say all sorts of things and end up doing the exact opposite. If you’re of a high enough calibre of a man, a woman couldn’t care less if you are providing for multiple wives. You wouldn’t understand. Kindly stick to your own relationship

[@dariusdreams8480]

@@Marwadear512 no gain? Are you actually serious. She literally keeps her own relationship steady and my second marriage in no way shape or form has affected my time, wealth, or anything spend on and with her… the fact that a wife has to gain something becus you married a second through her picking someone for you, is just retarded and not in anyway shape or form in Islam.