Mental Health Check! 🥴

[@ColleenVlogs]

This vlog is a weird one. I was feeling sad and decided to share...and then I fainted. lol. I'm feeling much better today though! Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I just had a wonky couple of days I guess. And a lot of you wanted me to share my watercoloring process, so I made sure to do that for ya at the end of the video. Hope you all have a beautiful weekend. :) Podcast channel - www.youtube.com/@relaxwithcolleenanderik7764 Instagram - instagram.com/colleen/ TikTok - www.tiktok.com/@colleen Main Channel - kzbin.info my PO BOX - Colleen Ballinger PO Box 55995 Sherman Oaks, CA 91413 Stuff I like From Amazon - tinyurl.com/e4e3x669 *I make a small commission from Amazon if you use this link. It doesn’t cost you extra but if you would rather use this link to see products and then purchase them somewhere else, that’s cool too! This is just the easiest way for me to link everything in one place.* Colleen Ballinger is dedicated to creating a safe, inclusive, positive space online and bullying will not be tolerated. Thank you!

[@nurseprac.nikki513]

Hey Colleen, quick question. If your kiddos were hurting and you knew a medication could fix them, wouldn’t you treat them? Then why not love yourself as much as you love your children. As a NP, I explain to my patients that your brain is like the engine of a car. It’s pumping out a bunch of chemicals to allow your body to function properly. Two of which, are called dopamine and serotonin. These chemicals allow you to respond appropriately to outside stimuli. Happy when good things happen, sad when they don’t. However, like all of the organs in our body, sometimes they can get off track. Your brain can “misfire”, and not secrete enough of the dopamine and serotonin to keep your emotions regulated. Hence, requiring a medication to balance it out. Just like people who have an under or overactive thyroid and require medication to regulate it. Or as your doctor said, a diabetic. Also, not everyone needs medication forever. Sometimes it’s just for a little while until things get situated. Thank you for sharing with all of us. It lets people know they aren’t alone in feeling this way. ❤

[@Dayna-Punky]

I am barley hanging on Colleen. I have multi joint osteoarthritis. Its in almost every joint. We are going through bankruptcy because a contractor screwed us over then sued us in arbitration and won. My 17yo daughter is suffering with horrible depression and anxiety and quit school. My husband is out of work and at 55 its so hard to find a job. Im trying so hard to get out of this depression but its worse then its ever been and i cant get out. On 3rd antidepressant in a year and still not working. We will all hang in there together!

[@sharynwoods2536]

Dear Colleen, You haven't failed. I have 4 children and suffer from Anxiety and Depression. Like you, I am a VERY emotional person. I tried for years to ' be OK ' When I found the right Anxiety and depression medication, it changed my life. I don't think there as much Stigma as there once was. You my dear, will BE OK! As a mum we have to be. You are my inspiration. I'm 52 and I find your Vlogs so therapeutic. You ARE an amazing an mom and person Colleen. We love you girl. Xxx

[@chaz12582]

Colleen! That painting is so good! You really are very talented!! It might be cool to draw the words on the glass of the frame or the frame itself. 🤷‍♀️

[@veevs1990]

Colleen, it’s okay not to be okay! Life always goes up and it also always goes down, and at the moment you’re in a down. As a neurodivergent already anxious girly, antidepressants will just allow your sunny self to shine through the darkness. It helps me shine through mine, and I actually see my antidepressants as a shield that blocks most of the negative thoughts!Sending you so much love ❤

[@ColleenVlogs]

I love this. Thank you! Excited for my shield 🛡️

[@karidanielle8838]

Colleen, you being open about your mental health is THE REASON you are my favorite person on the internet! I've gotten SO MUCH more validation for so many things from watching you, than I have been able to get from any loved one in my life. Seriously, THANK YOU for being open and honest about these things. I don't know how or where I'd be these days if it weren't for you.❤

[@valarya]

I'm not a doctor, but I wanted to throw this out there. If your periods are still regular, please ignore this comment. If your periods are all over the place and extremely irregular, then think about this. Average age of menopause in the US is 51, but it can occur between the ages of 45-55. PERIMENOPAUSE can occur 7-10 years prior to that, and if you do the math... some women start experiencing perimenopause as early as 35. A couple years ago out of nowhere I was suddenly anxious and depressed where I never had been before, my periods became wildly erratic, and I experienced a lot of other weird symptoms (vertigo, itchy ear, insomnia, heart palpitations, etc). ALL related to hormone changes. I started on HRT this year and it has saved my life. Not saying this is you, but something all women should keep in the back of their minds after we approach a certain age. Cheers.

[@Rachel-jk4es]

Ok but why is your painting of the kids walking in the woods soooooo good?!? You seriously do have talent…I would NEVER be able to look at a photo for reference and trace it and make it look THAT good…

[@amylauren3058]

Colleen - 1) OMG you are so talented! That watercolor is amazing! I would mat and frame it and have the quote on the bottom of the mat. 2) You are a great mom that would literally do ANYTHING for her kids. I think when we are in our MOM Era - it is easy to lose a part of ourselves. I never had any anxiety until I had kids. I am one to worry and that really took over affecting my daily life. I needed help and meds worked. 3) I have been a fan since before Flynn came along. You have had a lot going on - 3 babies, moving to a new house, career changes,. It is easy to get overwhelmed. Life isn't easy! 4) I know its hard for you but I suggest somehow getting yourself more sleep (I take melatonin). That alone can alter your moods. I was happy to see you baking cookies with Maisy during the day and not at midnight lol. That stresses me out - like girl get your rest. lol I know we see only a 15 on snip it into your daily life but I encourage you to keep to a schedule just for a week to try it out - go to bed by 11pm every night just for a week. Try to wind down before bed. Flynn is gone to school during the day and it sounds like you have a sitter some days... work on "you time" like crafts during day - perhaps the twins nap. Set yourself a time limit and if you don't finish the doll house etc - say I will finish this tomorrow. Give yourself some grace. You are already a Super Mom. Sending prayers for positive vibes this week!!!!

[@paige__978]

Colleen you should try to watercolor one of Emily’s painting’s from haters back off!!!

[@AshLey-mr9vw]

I am so glad you’re sharing your journey. You’re helping so many people, myself included. We are all rooting for you and want you to be okay. It’s okay to need support through medicine if that it what is best for you. It doesn’t mean you’re not doing enough. It doesn’t mean you’re failing in any way. Just means you’re human going through a season of life where you need a little more help. We all need that sometimes. You’ve got this, we’ve got you. ❤ Sending you love! ❤ so glad you’re here!

[@samanthahill8061]

I was on antidepressants for 3 years came off of them for almost a year and had a miscarriage in June and had to go back on them. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and I felt the same as you. Frustrated with myself for having to go back on them. But it’s ok to need them and it’s ok to be upset about needing them. It makes me feel not alone when you share your feelings about your anxiety. Anxiety and depression are not the same for everyone and we have good days and generally are happy people. Give yourself some grace ❤❤❤

[@krstnadnnphy]

I love you, whenever I have an ocd attack you make me feel so much better. Nothing wrong about medication!! You make sure to do everything that will make you feel better girl❤ ily

[@anniedean8226]

Colleen, you described my day-to-day day exactly. I fake it really good, but I, too, always feel on the verge of tears. I feel like I'm in fight or flight mode all the time. Thank you for sharing your story. You've inspired me to make an important appointment. Thank you so much. I'm with you ❤

[@popmusic2008]

Your watercolor paintings are SO amazing!!!

[@bethanimoremong9535]

The typewriter! Type out those lyrics as a way to also incorporate Erik too.

[@lyndsayhammond6884]

I wish I was emotional like you. I NEVER cry and it feels completely unhealthy.

[@paige__978]

I love you Colleen!! I hope everything gets better for you, you deserve to be happy ❤

[@silnavji]

Colleen or everyone that need it send you a lot of straight and great vibes 🎉! As a person that is on anxiety and depression medication since I’m 16 (now 43) I understand the feeling of defeat when you go back to medication 💊! But think 🤔 if you have diabetes you will take the medicine 💊 cause you need it, the same as antidepressants your brain 🧠 need the medication 💊 cause your are no producing serotonin, and that why you take the medication, if you have a pain you need medication, if you have high blood pressure you need medication!! You’re not alone!! We need to normalize these topic! And I really applaud 👏 you! Cause you share it!! You’re helping a lot of people to talk about there symptoms and don’t feel like a bug!❤❤❤❤ lots of love and hugs 🤗

[@willimina362]

I think it’s great that you want to talk to your KZbin family about your feelings. A lot of us have learned about mental health from you and the comment discussion. And it would be very interesting to know how your psychiatrist manages a patient with ADHD who also has depression and anxiety because I heard that can be tricky. As for you passing out.. please get checked by your doctor to make sure there aren’t any other problems going on! Love ya and thank you for sharing your life! ❤

[@allthatsokay]

I’m watching the first part and can relate so much. It’s upsetting to feel like I HAVE to be on something- and I completely echo these feelings but I try to remind myself that I’d tell a friend to take what makes them feel better and treat myself like I’d treat them.

[@teriesviljoen9997]

Hey Colleen! I doubt you'll see this but I just want to say you are brave and strong! My generation is fortunate that we talk about mental health and struggles thereof. We don't see depression and anxiety as failing or something thats wrong. Its normal and part of being human. My grandmother was depressed, and shy to talk about it, and when I acknowledged it and told her she's perfect and its normal, I could see the weight lifted off of her. Our parents hid mental health and never got the help they needed, and it screwed us up. You are such a wonderful mom for getting the help you need to heal. You are breaking generational stigmas. You are inspirational. Give yourself grace. Thank you for making me feel less alone ❤

[@kathleen1597]

That painting is so beautiful!

[@barbaraa2831]

Dancing always helps elevate your mood. Maybe when you feel like this it's your brain telling you it's time for a dance party! Also know for every hater out there, you have 2 people who love and support you. Sending hugs.

[@sandysutton2684]

Your painting is really good, what a great way to trace from your phone xxx love it, give your self a pat on the back sometimes for the talents you have xxxx

[@amandajovel]

The painting came out so good 😮

[@natachagorman8056]

I love how everyone is so compassionate and loving. It's so nice to read all the great positive comments. Colleen, you are so beautiful inside and out. We are in a time we're its so hard to be 100% happy even 50%. So, everyone take the small wins we all need it.

[@eloiselancsweert]

Hi Colleen! Could be cool to make a second painting (same size, orientation and same colorings) with a POV of looking up through a canopy of trees. In the center of the trees (like the open space/sky the trees open up to) you can write the lyrics ◡̈ just an idea! We love you!

[@Hellocmbxoxo]

I’m pregnant with my first baby and it’s been such a struggle trying to navigate my mental health and medications while trying to feel like a good mom who is making the right choices. So many times in life I’ve been here. I’ve felt like a failure and like I’m working backwards but Colleen this is a step TOWARD the happy person you want to be. I promise it gets better with medications. You’ve got this girlie ❤

[@vkhoro]

My mother has a drug addict son for the last 19 years. And her other son unalived himself 9 years ago around her birthday. She has been and is still going through the wringer. She has been on antidepressants for 8 years and it’s helping her not cry every single day and have panic attacks constantly. She has 5 other healthy children, 9 amazing grandchildren, she has a family that loves her so much. She is the most incredible mom, the most caring and beautiful woman. She is worth so much to us and I just want her to be okay. If she needs those meds to continue, I would rather she continues than not. ❤

[@Courtney983]

That painting with your kids is absolutely beautiful!

[@sandralee6848]

A lot has changed for you! It’s ok if you feel uncomfortable. That’s growth. You are a good person, please don’t forget that… so many folks need meds and it’s ok. It’s not a failure, but a strength to recognize that you need support. It happens to the best of us! Much love to you

[@zrea9]

For the watercolour - put a white frame around it with the lyrics ✨ love how you say it’s not good but it’s amazing!!! 😍

[@katmorgan4039]

While some people will say that sharing these emotions is silly or an act, I think sharing these emotions is brave and helpful for you & others. This will help you feel better to talk about it and help others see that what they go through can be relatable. We love you and we’re happy you’re here ❤ this depression might not last forever. Meds will probably help. I do hope you get your house cleansed soon because clearly there are spirits present and they can have big negative effects on your emotions and mental health. Be safe and we love you ❤ we think you’re so strong. Be brave ❤

[@LisamarieNHtoTx]

I’ve got nothing profound. Just that you are heard and loved and SO freaking appreciated every day. Whatever you need to do to find happiness is what is best. You’re so important to so many people. Me, thousands of others 3 beautiful kids and a man that thinks the world of you. Love you so much.

[@freelancecat]

Our brains can be our worst enemies..it can’t be smiled away, as much as we wish it could be that way.😞 I totally understand the feeling, you just want to not need it! But please do whatever helps you.🩷🩷 your kids need you, you’re their whole world! You aren’t alone, and you WILL be okay! And better than okay.💕 Edit to add that I love your painting, oh my gosh! You could take commissions. You could add the lyrics by making them into like vines? Like the words are the vines, if that makes sense.

[@purplestardreams78]

Depression and anxiety is hard, been dealing with both for 19 years, medicated. Was in a toxic relationship for most of that time, unfortunately I went through it in the worst way possible. They were the catalyst and once it ended, my life started it all over again. There is no cure for any mental issues, you just need to push through and do whatever you can. Find out what is the cause of it and get through it the best you can. Life is hard, you just have to pull yourself up and be strong. We are all human, made up with emotions. You got this girl, you have a loving husband and sweet kids. Sending you love and hugs 💜🫂

[@KristinaNina19]

Colleen.. I am so so so sorry. I see myself in you as well with going back on anti depressants. I have been on them so long and finally was able to get off them. But I’ve been struggling to have a baby for over a year and a half and it’s been so hard. Due to this I’ve been really sad and depressed again. And I struggled with going back on them. Because I felt like I was failing myself. So I completely understand where you are coming from. We are both busy so hard on ourselves. Depression is not really someone we can fully control it’s a chemical imbalance in our brains. And it’s okay to go on medication. Hang in there ❤️❤️ I love you so much. I wish I could give you the biggest hug.

[@victorialisi2513]

I’m so proud of you for advocating for yourself and giving your mind and body what it needs to feel better. It’s definitely not easy, but you have the strength within yourself and support from your loved ones (including this community) behind you. Sending you lots of love 🩷🩷🩷

[@marcelata8078]

Your paintings are AMAZING!…. I want to start doing it and use your video as a tutorial!… THANKS COLLEEN!!!💙❤️💛💙❤️💛💙❤️💛

[@starry_eyes_k]

The painting is absolutely beautiful! Idea for the lyrics: Personalization Mall (online) has customizable frames you can put the lyrics on. Or maybe a frame with a metal plaque. I wouldn't add any words to the painting itself. I wouldn't say it's busy as it is because it's already perfect. I keep picturing the lyrics on the frame somehow. The song at the end is beautiful too. Hit me in the feels. Sending you hugs. It's okay to not be okay. And it's okay if you need the help of medication to feel better. It is not a failure. It's the next right step. Day by day. You can do this and we love and support you.

[@militzenbaule5096]

Ive been suffering depression and anxiety for so long and I understand you so much. It hurts and is so tired feeling sad and andry with yourself all the time. Thinking about so many stupid things and living like that is so so sad. People dont understand, they think we are overreacting. But is so overwhelmed to be sick, because it is a desease. You have no idea how I understand, love you since the beginning and love you more now. Mily💓

[@SheldonMoonsmom2019]

Hey Colleen, Mental illness, therapy, and medication are so stigmatized. We are behind on mental health care because of this and lack the understanding and acceptance that these illnesses can be genetic. You can’t always just make it go away without some help, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. You didn’t choose this, Colleen. Going to therapy is helpful, right? Medication is like that little topper that can give you that extra boost to make every day easier. I struggle with both depression and anxiety, and I have been medicated since I was 17. It took me many years to find the right meds, and I met with numerous psychiatrists. But medication has changed my life. I personally found that once my anxiety settled down a bit with my meds, so did my depression. You have been through some very horrific and traumatizing events within the last couple of years. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I’ve seen you grow so much over the years, and what I do know is that you always get through it. You’re truly my hero and one of the strongest women I know. I say try the meds and see how you feel; it doesn’t mean you always have to be on them! I love you so, so much. Hang in there.

[@kryssygrzybowski723]

I know there are so many other comments and mine won’t make of break how you feel but i came to say 2 things: 1. We come to watch your videos because they are REAL. The happy feelings, sad feelings, messy house, not wanting to cook fancy dinners, etc. it’s so refreshing to see “influencers” have the same struggles as everyone else 2. Working off how you feel about medication… yes, it sucks being told you have to go back on it. And yes, it is to help an illness. But, it can also be seen as a helping agent. When we have babies, even though that is what our bodies are meant to do, we are still given SO MUCH pain medication. It helps us get back to our “normal” before we can stop them. With everything that has happened in the last few years both personally (social media, babies, moving, etc) and in the world (inflation, politics, etc), it makes perfect sense that it takes longer for you to get back to “normal”. But we also have to remember we change every day. What was normal 10 years ago will not be normal now. Every day we takes 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Some days, we take 0 steps forward and 2 steps back. BUT, some days we may take 4 steps forward and only 1 step back. IT IS A PROCESS! I have to remind myself of this every day. Multiple tomes a day. Nobody is perfect and the idea of having a perfect life is something others expect of us. I hope that came across how i intended it to. Just remember that medication is not bad. And we are all here because of who you are! I love watching your videos. The tough parts, the fun parts, and even the “boring” parts. Do what you need to do to be the best you. Not to keep other people content. Sorry this was so incredibly long. Love you! ❤

[@ilariaorlando1539]

You could write the lyrics on a translucent sheet to put on top of the painting, not glued, maybe just fixed on the upper side. So the painting can be seen through the lyrics, but at the same time you don't write directly on the watercolors

[@popcat56]

A cute creative way you could do with that painting is maybe a small shadow box to make it almost 3d and have the words either floating through the trees or you could paint them on the frame or glass ❤ and as a fellow theater nerd I agree this was my favorite show I did in college besides little women

[@Stef.stefii]

September was such a hard month for me. My body and my mind were both playing tricks to me. It felt like I was losing both my health and my sanity. October started and I was desperate to find a way out. It costed my whole salary, but I did it. I saw every doctor I had to, I went back to therapy, started new hobbies, found a beautiful routine! It's November now and I'm fine again. I feel like myself again and like a normal person. Like I can do anything and everything is possible. Calmness is priceless

[@kimurso937]

Dear Colleen our friend, It’s okay to be you. It’s okay to take meds, it will help you. No one is perfect you are a great person,mom,wife,friend. I wanted to come threw the screen take you in my arms give you a giant hug and tell you, your not a FAILURE! ❤❤ your videos have helped me when I was down. You are amazing

[@alexholby8707]

Girly. I love you. You getting back on antidepressants just means your initial medication therapy was most likely stopped too soon. this is a good you noticed your mental health was declining again thing because it means you are listening to your brain. :) it’s like if you run and take a break because you’re out of breath. If you take a break, that doesn’t make you weak, it just means you listened to your body so you can fix it. That might sound silly or dumb but it helps me when I get upset. I hope it helps you. 💜

[@tashawells3568]

Colleen, babe, it’s ok to not be ok. I would venture to say that 75% of people, women more so than men, are currently on meds, have been on meds and need to be on meds. I wish more men would talk about mental health. I’m right there with you sister, you are allowed to cry and get it out. The simple fact that you acknowledge how you’re feeling is a HUGE WIN! One day at a time my friend, one day at a time. In my opinion, again just my opinion, I think most of us do shove the deep pain down and hope it will never surface, but I’ve tried that route, and it just made it worse. You are a wonderful Mama bear who loves and cherishes her baby cubs, and you have a wonderful hubby cub, you got this. My advice is to not look at the medicine in a negative manner. For instance, I call my meds “happy pills” and while that might sound silly, it tricks my brain into feeling better about having to take them. Everything is temporary, that’s another thing I tell myself. Sending hugs and thank you for sharing. We love you!

[@carmia11]

Colleen you have not failed ❤️ I’m 14 years old and I’m on anti depression. My depression and anxiety got really bad after my parents divorce last year November. I get you and I feel you Colleen. I just want to know what it feels like to be happy again. We will all get there again one day. PS I love you so much Colleen I’ve been watching you since I was 10 years old in 2020 and it’s my first time commenting ❤️

[@rachaellefever573]

Colleen…I don’t know if you’ll see this. Mental health is brewed in the gut. Try talking to a doctor about gut health. Maybe try probiotics and prebiotics and fiber! Also, try a magnesium glycinate at night…at least 400 mg. Make sure it’s glycinate!

[@kellydesjardins516]

We love you Colleen! I've watched your vlogs for so long now and my 6 year old daughter and we look forward to seeing your videos everyday! We feel like we are your friends 💗 my daughter wanted me to tell you she is going to make you a card for you to feel better 💗 lol thank you for being you!

[@meganclark6245]

COLLEEN!!!! THAT PAINTING IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!!!!!!!

[@crazygirl247996]

this is just one of the reasons why I watch you. I'm here with you in so many ways. you explain how I'm feeling, where I cannot. I hate that I feel this way or think this way. To be so isolated, but we are not. There is nothing you can say or someone else could say, but I think what helps and feels good is by talking about it? I was scared when I first went on my medication for ADHD, and part of me was hesitant because I thought I was just depressed. But it's been nearly 10 years and I'm still on them and it still helps. Unfortunately I had another episode which lead me to also take anxiety medication. Since then, I don't have the minor triggers that would set me off or ruin my breakfast with my parents because someone cut me off while driving there. What I am saying is that I was in your same situation when I got out of the doctors and I called my dad after they gave me the prescription. It almost verifies that something is wrong with you. And now you actually have to face ir. You don't know if these meds are going to make you a different person. How does it affect your other medication? Will they look at me differently because this is another mental health thing that I have? Long story short, I'm glad to have you with me on this journey.

[@crazygirl247996]

P.S you're an artist

[@BlondyPants]

Life can be heavy and difficult to balance. You’re doing your best especially with everything you’ve been through. I understand when you say taking medication and being sad “isn’t me”. I think the way you feel emotions and let your sensitive side show is something very beautiful about you. Not everyone can express things as raw and real as you and those are amazing qualities you have. If/when you decide to take medication again, remember it doesn’t have to be a forever thing. And when you have time, do some research on how your diet/gut health affects how you feel emotionally. I promise you if you had a more enriched healthy diet along with taking probiotics, you’d be surprised how much this boosts your mood and energy. We’re all here for you. Be more kind to yourself bb. ❤

[@ilariaorlando1539]

Many happy joyful people happen to touch the bottom of a deep sadness if not depression. Going through that and facing all those monsters lets them make any possible effort to make people happy and makes them really appreciate the joyful moments of life. You're so not alone!

[@aliensclub]

COLLEEN!! girl, if you have to take a freakin’ pill to feel better and not be depressed take it! My mother has clinical depression and my sister has bipolar. If they did not take medication neither one of them would be here. You need that and there is NO SHAME in it! I was literally yelling at my phone wishing you could hear me. This is the very meaning of self care. You have to take care of yourself to give the best to your children. Love you. ❤

[@Beccaclay23]

I love you Colleen! You have helped and connected so many people, we are all in your corner cheering you on! Thank you for sharing your life and being yourself! I feel grateful to have watched you grow and blossom over the years. I know the last couple have been difficult for you but diamonds are created under pressure and I know that you're resilient and strong and sparkly like one too! Thank you for being here, keep being brave

[@arelysballester5273]

Colleen thank you so much for sharing how you feel! I have been battling depression since I was a teenager and it comes and goes! Right now I have been down but hearing you express yourself that is exactly how I feel. Why can’t I just be my happy self. Your videos make me happy and appreciate you sharing your life with us. Btw I also wanted to say that I love watching your kids grow up. I didn’t have kids for such a long time and then after 10 years of marriage we found out I was pregnant. Watching you with your kids made me happy and hoped that I could have that one day and now I do. My beautiful daughter is 19 months now! Thank you thank you so much for sharing your life. You mean so much to so many of us. I am here for you and even tough we don’t know each other I fell like you are here for me!

[@erin723]

The thing that jumped out at me was when you said that getting off meds was the goal. That should never be the goal. Going off these meds is always an experiment to see how you feel/do without them. Going back on them simply means your brain needs them. No biggie. I have never understood/felt shame regarding meds. It hurts every time I hear this in others because that feeling of failure gets in the way of true healing. I’ve been with you for many years, well before Erik even. All this time I see you living at the surface. Like you continue to treat the symptoms and never get deep because it’s too scary. I say this because I’ve lived it. It’s like sitting on a beach ball in the water and constantly expending all your energy to keep it under the surface. You WILL drown eventually. If you allow the meds to help support your brain, to clear the surface stuff, then you can more clearly see what your true work is and get to it. Lastly, you say “that’s not who I am, I’ve always been a happy girl.” I respectfully challenge that idea because yes you hang out with you kids , do all the things you’re “supposed” to do, but the deep sadness is there. The beach ball you try to keep submerged so it won’t blow up. Life is 90% hard. That’s the human condition. Radical acceptance of what is can be so freeing. Then can stop fighting reality. And then you can get to the beach ball. Be scared and do the hard stuff anyway. ❤❤❤

[@rachelthomas4276]

I really hope she sees this wonderful comment ❤❤❤

[@sammyjsmith-]

I just want you to know you are NOT alone. I have been on back on meds for a month, just found one that has helped and it has been life changing. I have had health anxiety though so it took me awhile to get to that point.

[@djrerayaloha4112]

We all cry. Get high & go to the park and you'll find your tears are divine.

[@HowCaseySeesIt]

I was on antidepressants 10 years ago and have been “doing fine” without them but ended up getting back on them recently and I wish I had done it sooner. I was putting it off but it’s been life changing! Wishing you the best!

[@Teresaanne]

I'm currently attempting my 9th anti depressant because I've been diagnosed as "treatment resistant". Regardless of what I do, for myself or for others, I always relapse after a time on medication and have to try a new one. How I feel is EXACTLY how you have described it. It feels like a failure every time. But the deep down sadness can't always be healed by ourselves alone. And that's okay. You've been through some TRAUMA girl, before KZbin and in the 10 years I've been watching you. Look at what you have lost, what your body has gone through, and what you have overcome. Doesn't always help, but I do want you to see that he's not a failure to go back on medication. It's what your body and mind need with what you've been through. You've got this!

[@SavanaSue12]

Alsoooo we’re gonna need more of that song at the end. That was so calming!!

[@jenniferclaires]

Lyrics on the tree trunks going up, like sideways 😊 beautiful job ❤

[@hannakebbede9347]

We love you Colleen❤

[@jerryolt]

so sorry you are feeling this way, i’ve been there and still get to that point where i just break down. unfortunately for us humans, it’s hard to hold in everything for so long. we’re all here for you & are so grateful you are able to share these things with us. stay strong love! 💕 we’re all here. 🥺

[@briannarodgers4870]

You are so good at painting!!!!!!

[@lostepiphany]

For what it’s worth, that feeling of always having been a happy person, and not liking the idea of “needing” something.. you’ve carried babies and become a mother. Both of these things alter your brain and body chemistry. Your brain literally remapped itself, your brain matter and hormones are also different now. And your life is different as well. I guess I’m just saying, you have never been THIS Colleen before with this brain and body and duties. So please be gentle with yourself and remember that. Regardless of how you perceived yourself to be at any other given time, it sometimes helps to reflect that things beyond our control can change and it doesn’t mean you “failed” at anything. You just might need something else now. Hope this is coming out right. I would say that to anyone feeling how you feel, but even moreso to mothers.

[@kimfite2989]

I have missed your Vlogs!! You got this!! Use the meds and feel good! But I totally understand! Take care of you!!❤

[@shelleyjacobs7871]

Colleen I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling and stressed. I'm sending prayers for you that they find an antidepressant that helps you feel better. You haven't failed Colleen. We all struggle at different times and need to get the help we need to get through it. It doesn't mean we failed. When we can recognize that we are struggling and we can get help that's not failure that's success. Don't beat yourself up just take care of yourself 💖. Quit worrying about what anyone else thinks about you. You are a wonderful you!!!!!!!!!❤❤❤

[@thethoughtsofanightowl3536]

Colleen, since the pandemic I have experienced some of the worst moments of my life. Your videos gave me joy when I couldn't find that in my life. I have worked very hard to get better, and left antidepressents myself for a while now and have improved my quality of life exponentialy. Depression is a monster that creeps even when it is unexpected. We watch you because we can relate. Get those feelings out and take your time, thing will get better.

[@goingeverywherefast]

Colleen. I have been off my meds since 2022. It’s 2 years later. I still feel sad sometimes. Progress is not linear. We are human. Do what feels best and comfortable for you. Don’t force yourself to do something unless you know it will help. Sometimes our bodies and head are trying to tell us something further and an antidepressant isn’t always the solution. Sending good energy your way

[@bonjouritsizzy3405]

OMG STOP BEING HARD ON YOURSELF, I KNOW ITS HARD BUT SERIOUSSSLY YOUR ARTWORK IS AMAZING. While you were downplaying your work I was like this is awesome, I love it :D Honestly makes me want to get into watercolor painting. I do color in my adult coloring books because its soo relaxing to me, so I am sure it does the same for you. You could put lyrics around a frame, paint them around the border on the frame itself possibly :)

[@chicpapaya]

Girl you are so brave, people have quit for less and you still out here, with pain but still going. Do you even realize how strong you are? I don’t think you understand it COLLEEEEEEN. The only constant in life is change, panta rhei! Look it up for inspiration.

[@terrifendi]

I would put the lyrics on a white matte around the picture - which is sooo good ♥️

[@spao56]

I understand your frustration. I was medicated for anxiety for over a year and i got better and stopped the medication. When covid started my anxiety started to become bad again and i was crying because i felt i might need help again, and it's not because you don't like the help or the medication, but the thought of being better and going down again.. not being able to control it. Thankfully i met my husband around that time and he helped me hold myself without needing any medication, and I'm currently doing a lot better. For me it helps a lot to talk about it, with my husband or closests friends, cry and allow myself to feel and determine why i was feeling like that and the current situation, realize that what i was thinking was not the reality and bring my thoughts to a safe point. You'll get through this! Just be strong and follow what's best for you

[@mjesings]

Fellow fainter here... you likely have Vasovagal Syncope. I always faint when in extreme pain or stress

[@Priickless]

Put the lyrics going up one of the trees sideways, meaning if you turn the painting from portrait to landscape you can read the lyrics xxx I think that will look so cute xx just small and up along the side of the tree if you know what I mean xxx

[@jessicafai9815]

You havent failed, I know its hard to feel like you need something to be okay but its totally fine. Ive been on meds since 2016. I only came off during part of one pregnancy. Then straight back on. It used to be my goal to get off it, but it likely wont happen. At least not for a while.

[@camillecapener8723]

Maybe when you frame the watercolor picture you can use a mat around it and write out the lyrics on that

[@leahbrand88]

Sending hugs to you Colleen, I’ve been where you are but my difference is the medication never worked for me. ❤also for that painting it’s so beautiful. You could put the lyrics on the frame so you don’t take away from the painting?! Love you have a great day

[@menotyou4678]

You’re not fragile, you don’t give yourself enough credit. I’ve been where you are, it feels like a never ending pit of despair but I promise there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. It took me years to get on the right combination of medications. Don’t be ashamed. Remember to be brave and stay strong. Much love from one mom to another. ❤️❤️

[@elizabethkoobs1060]

Colleen, I don't frequently comment, but, here goes. I am also a very emotional and highly sensitive person. There were some painful things that happened during my childhood. I knew how these things caused me to feel, and I truly wanted to prevent others from feeling that way. I truly think I'm an empath, as I can FEEL other people's sadness. I can remember first feeling this way at the age of 5. When I was about 15, the first thing happened that made me feel depressed. A little boy that I used to babysit for got sick from a virus and died. I didn't know how to process this sadness, and I remember thinking that I was going crazy. I managed to pull it together. Back in those days( the 70's,) mental health issues weren't discussed. I went on, being the overachiever, straight A student through high school, graduating early, and heading off to college to pursue my nursing degree. In my 20's when my marital issues seemed insurmountable, I sought counseling on my own. That's the first time I went on an antidepressant, and it really helped me. I felt like I could deal with my issues, and life was better. I only went off the meds when we were trying to conceive. These times lasted way too long, as I struggled with infertility. I could tell that I struggled with depression each time I was off my medication. I'm only bringing this up bc I had learned in my nursing studies that sometimes people have to take meds for the rest of their lives. I have accepted this and it's ok. I'm sorry to be so long-winded with this comment. It has now been over 35 years, and I know that it will be forever that I need my meds. Colleen, I and millions of others LOVE YOU! We want to see you do well and be happy. Please take the help and believe that it doesn't make you a failure. Your beautiful family wants this for you, too!💜🫂

[@soccerlovingirlie]

You are incredible. We love you and please stay strong. Love, a silent watcher ❤❤❤

[@emilygroff2039]

Hey Colleen, I was the same way as you when I went to doctor and they felt that I needed to go on medication. Whatever choice you make, it will be okay. ❤

[@jenniferclaires]

I don’t know why you’re feeling this way, but I think you need to be performing again. I hope you can soon❤ start small. I think you miss your passion. That can make you very depressed. Praying for you🙏❤️

[@Leiagr01]

That water color painting was BEAUTIFUL🥰

[@skck2009]

Your watercolor is insane! I've always known you were super talented and creative but wow. Watercolor is definitely for you. You're a professional.

[@amberleeperfetto7371]

I totally get you Colleen. I'm 40 now and was diagnosed Bipolar 1 when I was 33. I remember when I was also diagnosed with general anxiety and had to take meds, I was just as devastated as you are about the anti-depressants. I was angry and very sad about it. I've been taking medicine that helps my bipolar, anxiety and depression and have been stable since 2017. I pray you find peace with this.

[@codysmith5900]

Matte the picture in white and then write the lyrics on the white around the picture!!!!! ❤

[@tabbylouise]

Colleen, you are doing amazing even if you don’t feel you are. For getting up everyday, for wanting to go to therapy and for wanting to be better. I have been where you are where you just don’t know what to do. I still have a lot of moments where I have felt fine and just all of a sudden out of no where will feel so overwhelmed and that things will never get better and everything I just did was fake happiness and fakeness of feeling content. You’re not alone with these struggles and feelings I promise. It really reminds me of Olivia Rodrigo’s song 1 step forward and 3 steps back. That’s how I always end up feeling no matter how hard I try. But the most important thing is we keep going no matter what. It’s so upsetting and unbearable to get through but please know your doing great even if you don’t feel like you are ❤️🫶

[@daddyparker9811]

Thank you for sharing with us Colleen. I know things suck and they don't always go to plan. But I believe you can do it and I'm proud of you.

[@75miadwn]

Love that Wesley is correct Maisy on your name here😂

[@joanneaylward1431]

As someone who’s struggling with my depression over the last mnth, I’m bipolar, pls don’t stop talking about your mental health. I know you feel the stigma but you’re also helping break the stigma by talking about it. Plus you really helped me today by being so raw about it. Thank you! 🥰❤️🇨🇦

[@starryeyeschick]

I can’t watercolor that well! Wow. I love the woodsy scene you did. I think you should leave the lyrics off.

[@brittanyparks6487]

Colleen I just wanna hug you through the phone. I fight the same mental battles myself. I carry a lot of guilt and blame for my children being born with disabilities, childhood traumas related to drugs and alcohol. I’ve fought for years to not need medication to be happy. I’m 27 now and I know now that medication is made to help. It doesn’t make us weak or unworthy. You are not alone and thank you for being so open about your struggles. I’m a mother of three as well and I have horrible days where I wanna lay in bed and just cry. I love watching you and I am sending you so much love and comfort momma. You are a fighter. Keep going❤